MST3Kd: "STAR TREK TNG MEETS RED DWARF"
David G White
Tom: Will you cut that out, Crow?
Crow: Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam...
Joel: (walking in) Hey, guys, what's going on?
Tom: Crow is stuck in British humor mode and now he won't stop!
Crow: Nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean?
Joel: That's terrible! I'll start working on it right away. (starts
fiddling with Crow's head.)
Tom: Thank you!
Crow: I know it's bad to speak of the dead and everything, but you're
still a smeghead.
Tom: I'm not dead!
Crow: Oh, right.
Joel: Looks like the Mads are calling. (slaps the button)
Tom: The Mads?
Crow: No, just some mads. Haven't you heard? They come in six-packs now.
(cut to the inside of Deep 13 Laboratory)
Dr. F: Good morning, Papadapolus. We've got such a hot invention this week
that I think we'll go first. Frank?
Frank: Thanks, Doc. (turns to face the camera) Well, Joel, as you know,
people are always rushing to and fro. Never a calm moment. Heading
up, up, up the ziggurat.
Dr. F: Get on with it, monkey breath.
Frank: Right. Sorry. Anyhow, after watching back episodes of Star Trek:
The Next Generation, we came up with a little communicator badge
similar to the ones used by the Enterprise crew. Anyhow, instead of
playing the messages instantly, it records them as text and prints
them out later. That way, you don't have to recieve annoying calls on
the car phone or go home to hear your answering machine. Plus, since
they're text files and not waveforms, they're much smaller and you can
hold more of them.
(cut back to me S.O.L. Joel is standing there, holding Crow's head)
Joel: But that doesn't sound so unusual.
Crow: Yeah, where's the catch?
(back to Deep 13)
Dr. F: Well, this is the good part. The voice recognition software this
baby uses is based on the handwriting recognition sofware from the
Apple Newton! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Frank: Oh, I love this man.
Dr. F: I bet we can trick a couple thousand unsuspecting MacAbusers and
some downright sadists into buying it. Well, what have you come up
with this week?
(cut back to the S.O.L. Crow's head has been screwed back on)
Joel: Well, our invention is also based on a piece of Star Trek: The Next
Generation technology. It's a transporter beam. (takes out a small
hexagonal pad connected to a control box)
Tom: That's right, a transporter beam. Go anwywhere you want, anytime you
want, with your new transporter beam! Faster than the bus, and
environmentally friendly!
(cut back to Deep 13)
Dr. F: Wait, if you built a working transporter beam, why didn't you use
it to get off the Satellite of Love?
Frank: Yeah! And what about Scarecrow's brain?
(back to the S.O.L.)
Crow: It's only a model.
Tom: Yeah, did you really think we could warp the laws of physics and make
something like this? Boy, are you gullible!
Joel: I think we got them, boys!
(Deep 13 again)
Frank: I think...you're going to die, Joel!
Dr. F: That's my line, stupid! Just for that, you deserve this one, Joel.
It's another Star Trek crossover. But it's not Star Trek and Dr. Who
this time. It's "STAR TREK TNG MEETS RED DWARF," and it's an insipid
little number. I hope you don't enjoy it. (presses the button)
(S.O.L. again)
Joel: Aaaah! We've got message sign!
G...1...2...3...4...5...6
Joel: Are you feeling O.K., buddy?
Crow: I feel fine.
Tom: No more British humor?
Crow: Nope.
> a...@vaxi.bton.ac.uk writes:
> I have been informed that I am the third subscriber to this facility who
> has come up with this idea
Tom: But that's okay, my lack of originality has never bothered me.
> and based on this I am going to post a pilot
> script (Part One) and I would really appreciate it if anyone who reads
> it would place a comment after it
Crow: How about during?
> to describe what you really think,
> even if it is to say it's a load of crap
All: It's a load of crap!
> Here goes:-
Tom: What an unusual emoticon. What do you think it is, Joel?
Joel: It's probably a man without a lower jaw, so he can't smile.
Tom: Aaaaah!
Crow: That's scary.
> PART 1
> ------
> LOCATION - BRIDGE OF ENTERPRISE
> CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD IS ADDRESSING WESLEY CRUSHER
Joel: Nooo! He's back!
Crow: (speaking slowly) Bring me my gun.
> "Ensign, Increase speed to warp factor three"
> "Yes sir"
>
> PICARD TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO DATA
Tom: Data on what?
Crow: I think he means the android, Data.
Joel: But why should he pay attention to the android data? Since when was
Picard interested in robotics?
Crow: How should I know? Maybe he's wondering how Data gets his skin so
nice and shiny.
> "Mr Data, How long before we reach Starbase One?"
> "At our present speed I estimate three hours, six minutes and twenty
> four seconds Captain"
Crow: But depending on what happens on the way, it will seem more like
forty-five minutes.
> PICARD STARTS TO SIT DOWN IN HIS CHAIR WHEN DATA SPEAKS AGAIN
>
> "Captain, sensors have picked up an unidentified space vessel
Joel: All right, sensors getting some action!
All: Whooo! Yeah!
> headed on
> what appears to be an interception course"
Crow: To intercept what?
> PICARD - "How long before it reaches us?"
Tom: Who says it's intercepting you? Talk about self-importance.
> DATA - "At our respective speeds we will encounter each other in one
> hour, twenty minutes and ..."
Joel: Two scenes.
> PICARD (Hastily Speaking) - "Thank you Data"
> CRUSHER - "Sir, the vessel has changed course again and is now ...
> Captain it appears to have taken on a rather erratic flight pattern"
> WORF - "Confirmed Sir, and it has just begun to send out a distress
> signal"
Joel: It says, "Help! We're stuck in a crappy fanfic!"
> PICARD - "Ensign, increase to maximum warp and keep us on an intercept
> course"
Crow: Would that be an intercept course with Starbase One or with the
unidentified vessel?
Tom: Who cares?
> CRUSHER - "Yes Captain"
>
> *** BLACKOUT ***
Tom: Are we supposed to assume that this means we see a cinematic black-
out, or that the author is having a blackout?
Joel: Either way, I reccommend a psychological evaluation, and quick.
> SCENE SWITCHES TO COCKPIT OF RED DWARF
> RIMMER IS DISPLAYING A COMPLETE LACK OF UNDERSTANDING TO WHAT HAS JUST
> BEEN SAID, HE TURNS TO KRYTEN
> "Kryten, what exactly do you mean by `warp speed' ?"
Joel: It's very simple. All you have to do is warp all the laws of physics
and then you can travel that fast.
> KRYTEN - "What I say sir, the ship in question is approaching us at a
> speed far beyond Red Dwarf's limit"
Tom: Perhaps we should write them a ticket?
> LISTER - "Listen Kryten, is there any way of finding out if these guys
> are friendly or not?"
Crow: I can think of several, but they're all pretty disgusting if the
crew of the other ship isn't female.
Joel: Crow!
> CAT - "Who cares? I'm just worried about what that sudden change of
> direction did to my hair"
> RIMMER - "Cat, we are about to have our first alien encounter for over
> six months, our guidance system is wrecked forcing Holly to go round in
> complete circles
Tom: Is there such a thing as an incomplete circle?
> and all you worry about is your hair?"
> CAT - "That's right buddy, when the Aliens get here
Crow: Aliens? Don't tell me this is going to be a three-way crossover!
> I have to make sure
> I look good"
Tom: Because when you're about to be made into a messy meal, appearance is
always important.
> KRYTEN - "In answer to your question Mr Lister, the answer is `no'.
> Although I hope they are friendly as they will be here in approximately
> twenty minutes and they are coming very fast"
Crow: Well, perhaps they're just responding prematurely!
Joel: Crow!!!
> LISTER - "Did it look like they were answering our distress signal?"
> KRYTEN - "Unknown Sir, although they did increase speed moments after we
> sent it out"
Joel: Of course, those two events are probably not related.
> LISTER - "I guess we'll have to sit and wait for them"
>
> *** BLACKOUT - 15 MINS PASSES ***
Tom: Dum de dum de dum...this is boring
Crow: They're getting longer, Joel.
Joel: Is there a doctor in the house? The author is in need of psychiatric
attention!
> BACK ON BOARD THE ENTERPRISE
> PICARD IS IN HIS
Crow: Otis
> READY ROOM
> DATA'S VOICE COMES THROUGH THE INTERCOM
Tom: As opposed to around, over, or betwixt the intercom.
> "Sir, we have reached the other vessel and they are now hailing us"
> PICARD - "I'll be right there"
> PICARD ENTERS ONTO THE BRIDGE
Joel: Wow, he really wasn't kidding when he said he'd be right there.
> PICARD - "On Screen"
> VISUAL DISPLAY OF RED DWARF COCKPIT APPEARS
> ALL OF RED DWARF CREW ARE VISIBLE
Tom: Because, of course, the personal cloaking device hasn't been
developed yet.
Joel: Wait, didn't they have one in "Once a Borg?"
Crow & Tom: (shuddering) Ewwwww!
> PICARD - "What was the reason for your distress call?"
Joel: Oh, nothing. We just wanted to see if it was still working. WHAT DO
YOU THINK?!? WE'RE HAVING AN EMERGENCY! AN EMERGENCY!
> LISTER - "Our guidance system is wrecked and our ship's computer can
> only take us round in circles"
Crow: Have you tried ellipses? No? How about rectangles?
> PICARD - "We'll be back to you shortly"
> - SPEAKING TO DATA "Close Channel"
> CHANNEL CLOSES AND SCREEN RETURNS TO SHOWING IMAGE OF SPACE/RED DWARF
Joel: Is it the Space Dwarf or the Red Dwarf? Make up your mind!
> WORF - "Sir, sensors indicated basic arsenal only and they have no
> shields"
> PICARD - "Thank you Mr Worf, Counsellor what did you make of them?"
> TROY - "Only two of the four emitted any emotions at all
Tom: Oh, that's just poor acting. Ignore it.
> and there was
> no hostility within them"
> PICARD - "And the other two?"
> DATA - "May I interject Sir, one of the two non-humanoids was
> definitely an android and the other had a symbol `H' on his forehead
> which I believe was an emblem of a hologram"
Joel: Wait, how does data know all this stuff?
Crow: Perhaps he has a copy of "The Junior Encyclopedia of Space" too?
> PICARD - "Such as what are to be found on the holodeck?"
> DATA - "Not really Captain, Holodeck Images are made up of computer
> generated graphics influenced by the given user and the hologram on the
> other ship is a direct reproduction of what the man was when he died,
> even with the same personality"
Crow: He's still a smeghead, though.
Joel: How does he know this stuff? How?
> PICARD DELIBERATES FOR A MOMENT AND MAKES HIS DECISION
> HE LINKS UP WITH THE ENGINE ROOM ON THE INTERCOM
Tom: That's a mighty big intercom.
> "Mr La Forge, report to Transporter Room One, Mr Worf will meet you
> there"
> "Yes Captain"
> PICARD TURNS TO WHERE WORF WAS ONLY TO HEAR THE TURBO-LIFT DOOR SHUT
> MR WORF IS ON HIS WAY
Tom: Secret agent double-o-Worf!
Crow: (Sean Connery voice) Worf. James Worf.
> SCENE SWITCHES TO RED DWARF
> LAFORGE AND WORF ARE MATERIALISING IN RED DWARF
> MEMBERS OF RED DWARF ARE WATCHING IN AMAZEMENT
>
> CAT - "How did you do that?"
Joel: Oh, we always try to do six impossible things before breakfast.
> LISTER - "Holly, can you tell us where they came from?"
> HOLLY - "They came from the other ship"
> LISTER - "I know that, I meant ..."
> LAFORGE SPEAKS
Tom: Oh, good. I've been awaiting his new autobiography.
> UP
Crow: Your butt with a cocoanut.
Joel: Watch it, Crow!
> "Sorry to interrupt, but I believe you asked for help"
> RIMMER - "Yes we did, but who exactly are you?"
> LAFORGE - "Chief Engineer Geordi LaForge at your service and this is
> Worf, our Head of Security,
Crow: Don't mention his forehead, he's really sensitive about it.
> we're both from the Starship Enterprise"
> LISTER - "The guidance system is just over here"
> LAFORGE - "Thanks, and your name is ...?"
> LISTER - "Dave Lister, and this is Cat,Kryten and Rimmer"
Tom: Are you sure it's not CatKryten and Rimmer?
Joel: How about Dave, Lister, Cat Kryten and Rimmer?
Tom: Perhaps Dave, Listercat, Kryten and Rimmer?
Joel: Or even Dave "Listercat" Kryten and Rimmer?
Crow: Let''s not get into this again.
> LAFORGE - "Fine, call me Geordi"
Tom: (singing) They call him Mr. Pitiful...
> END OF PART 1
> SO WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK,
Joel: (making the O.K. sign) It stinks!
> WANT TO READ PART 2?
All: NO!
> PLEASE COMMENT BELOW
Crow: Well, as above, so below.
Joel: Or is that the other way around?
Crow: Who cares? Let's get out of here.
Tom: Wait, there's more.
Crow: More? Oh no!
> Just for the attention of anyone that's interested
Joel: Someone was actually interested?
> I know there is probably going to be a number of people who will hate
> me for this
Crow: There are a couple of people who hate you for it already!
> but I will not be posting any more editions
All: Yaaaay!
> until
>
> A - I've completed the entire story to my satisfaction
Tom: Great! At that rate, we'll never see it!
> B - I've got some work done, unfortunately a higher priority
>
> Sorry about this, just to keep you entertained though
>
> You might be interested to know that I intend killing off
All: Not one, not two, BUT THREE CHARACTERS!
> Not 1
> Not 2
>
> ** DRUM ROLL PLEASE **
>
> But 3 of the characters
Crow: Hey!
> in my story, perhaps more
Tom: Kill fast, kill often.
> Mail me if you like but (sadist that I am) I won't give anything away
Joel: Perhaps we can convince him not to give the remaining parts away...
> Adam
Crow: Can we go?
Tom: Yeah, let's get out of here.
6...5...4...3...2...1...G
(the inside of the S.O.L. again)
Crow: Geez, Joel, that one was so bad!
Tom: Yeah! Why is it that all these fanfics are so bad?
Joel: Well, my little friends, it's because the authors of the fanfics
try and capture the stereotypical essence of the characters instead
of capturing the actual essence.
Crow: I don't get your point.
Joel: Look at it this way: Whenever Captain Picard is used, he is old and
cantankerous, speaks with a broad European accent, has a beautiful
woman fall in love with him, ends every order with the phrase "Make
It So," violates the Prime Directive, and has Borg flashbacks. But
never once does he have the actual Picard angst that makes him such
a three-dimensional character. Never once does he ponder deep and
philosophical matters of life, find alien civilizations "strange and
wondrous," or worry about the fact that he's as bald as a cueball.
Tom: I think I see what you're getting at. So, if a fanfic author were
to use Commander Riker, he would be referred to as "Number One," and
a beautiful woman would fall in love with him, and he would play
poker and smile broadly and lead the away team. But we'd never see
the sensitive side of him that writes poetry or feels frilly and
dresses up in women's clothing.
Joel: By George, I think he's got it.
Crow: And if they use Worf, they'll mention his tortured family history,
the discomfort he feels because he's the only Klingon in Starfleet,
and his confrontational attitude, but forget to mention his
embarassment of his human parents or the awkwardness he feels because
he has those large bumps on his head.
Joel: Sort of, but...
Tom: Or if they used Troi, they'll be sure to mention her large breasts,
tight lycra outfits, and ability to read other people's emotions but
neglect to mention that's she's actually chunking up quite a bit
from eating too much chocolate.
Joel: Not really...
Crow: Or if Data appears, he'll be emotionless and as strong as ten men
but they'll forget to mention his oddly glowing skin and the fact
that he's a tactless schmuck.
Joel: Well...
Tom: Or Doctor Crusher! They'll mention that she's a doctor and has these
deep ethical crises and that she has this platonic love thing going on
with Jean-Luc but won't mention at all that she's really wearing a
wig!
Joel: Bu...
Crow: And Wesley!
Tom: Oh, get off it, Crow, when was the last time a fanfic author used
Wesley in a serious role.
Crow: Haven't you read "The Talent Show Cycle" part two?
Joel: Hey, Crow, we don't mention that kind of stuff here. This is just
getting way out of hand. (a light starts flashing) What do you think,
sirs?
(cut back to Deep 13. Frank is there, wearing his communicator badge. It
beeps loudly and he slaps it once.)
Frank: (reading the piece of paper that comes out: "Flank, punch the
bellboy." I wonder what that means. (the communicator beeps again and
Frank removes a second piece of paper) "Plush the butthead." That's
odd. (the communicator beeps a third time and Frank removes another
piece of paper) "Flush the bunker." Hunh? (you get the idea) "Lunch
the muffin?"
Dr. F: (walking in) If you want something done right, you've got to do it
yourself. (presses the button)
(roll credits)
Frank: (voice-over) Oh! "Push the button!" (there is a loud snapping
noise) Owie owie owie owie....
------
Credits:
MSTified by David White
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of BBI, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.
------
> CRUSHER - "Sir, the vessel has changed course again and is now ...
> Captain it appears to have taken on a rather erratic flight pattern"
> WORF - "Confirmed Sir, and it has just begun to send out a distress
> signal"
------
DAVID WHITE, dw...@andrew.cmu.edu
"I'm an anorexic codependent bingo addict stripper born without a chin.
And I'm only comfortable talking about it when the whole wide world
is listening in." --Weird Al Yankovic, "Talk Soup"