MSTed: "Are You A Dreamer?"
Joe McMahon
over his shoulder.]
Crow: I can't understand it. There's no problem here...
Tom: Yeah, but the mail isn't going out.
[Mike walks in]
Mike: What are you guys doing?
Crow: Oh, we've just been doing a little net-surfing...
Tom: Yeah, but our outgoing mail is piling up like medical waste on a
Jersey beach.
Crow: Well, if you'd stop sending mash notes to all the Crays you can
find, we wouldn't *have* so much outgoing mail.
Tom: Oh yeah, like Mr. Double-Entendres-about-Connection-Machines can talk...
[light flashes]
Mike: Hey, guys, quit bickering. Eckert and Mauchly are calling...
[Deep 13 - Frank is wearing a virtual reality helmet and data gloves, and
is carrying a large shovel, which he seems to be waving at random.]
Dr F.: Hello, bubbelah. Frank's testing my newest application of virtual
reality, the direct-manipulation news spool cleanup utility.
Frank: What's all this goop over here in the corner?
[Dr. Forrester looks at a monitor, and sees a huge towering pile of glop in
Frank's field of vision.]
Dr. F: How did you get there, Frank?
Frank: I took a left right after news.answers and there it was. Wow, there
sure is a lot of it, huh, Steve.
Dr. F: Let me check...
[looks at another screen just below the field of view]
Dr F: Whatever you do, Frank, don't touch it! That's talk.bizarre.
[We see Frank bend over a put a finger out to poke at something only he can
see]
Frank: What's this cute little hamster doing down here with this duct tape
stuck to him?
Dr. F: No, Frank! DON'T!
[We see the pile of glop falling like a wave on the Frank's POV moniter
and see the helmet go up in an explosion. Frank lies smouldering on the
floor]
Dr. F: Frank! Now I'll have to completely redo my kill file!
[Waving smoke away from this face]
Dr. F: Just because I feel like it, I'm sending you a little goodie I like to
think of as the "Monster-a-Go-go" of get-rich-quick schemes. Its
lack of length in no way decreases the pain.
[apprehensive murmuring from Mike and the bots]
Dr. F: Enjoy. Push the button, Frank. Frank? Oh, never mind.
[Cut to S. O. L.]
All: Aaaagh! We've got Usenet sign!!
6...5...4...3...2...1
>From er...@alaska.net Thu Jun 30 23:40:29 EDT 1994
>Article: 42003 of junk
Tom: Oh man, this one's *definitely* a stinkburger...
Crow: Yeah, it's not like the real newsgroups aren't bad enough.
>Path: news.gsfc.nasa.gov!newsfeed.gsfc.nasa.gov!cs.umd.edu!news.umbc.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!sdd.hp.com!col.hp.com!csn!jabba.cybernetics.net!eric.alaska.net!user
>From: er...@alaska.net (Eric)
>Newsgroups: junk,alt.binaries.pictures.misc
>Subject: Are You A Dreamer?
Crow: Yeah, and I'm stuck in this nightmare post of yours.
>Followup-To: junk
All: <applause>
Mike: At least the followups are set right.
>Date: 30 Jun 1994 19:25:43 GMT
>Organization: Love, Peace, and Truth Inc.
Mike: Wow, like harmony and stuff...
>Lines: 34
Tom: Well, it can't be that bad.
Crow: "Mr. B Natural"?
Tom: Never mind.
Mike: What?
Tom: We'll tell you later.
>Message-ID: <eric-300...@eric.alaska.net>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 204.17.140.108
>Xref: news.gsfc.nasa.gov junk:42003 alt.binaries.pictures.misc:46051
>Status: RO
>
>Hi,
All: (dully) Hi.
> Disclaimer: This is not a "Get Rich Quick" message. This business
> opportunity will take a little time, and it will grow
> as large as you want it to. It just depends on how much
> effort you're willing to put into it.
Tom: It's a "Get Rich Quick" message.
Mike: Pay no attention to what your mind is telling you.
Crow: If I say it's not fraudulent then it isn't, right?
>
> Do you have a dream?
Mike: Yeah, that the Mads will find something better to do than send us
drivel like this.
Crow: Well, my dream has to do with Kathy Ireland, a large quantity of Jell-O,
and ...
<Mike reaches over and clamps Crow's mouth shut>.
Mike: Hush. You're making me homesick.
> I do. My dream is to become debt free, and have
>enough money to go down to the store and purchase what I will, without
>having to worry about writing a bad check.
Mike: Yeah, the collection agency's pounding on my door even as I type this.
Tom: I'm going to take business advice from someone who practically
*admits* he's been kiting checks to stay afloat??
>That is my dream. What's
>yours?
Tom: Sophisticated software which will allow me to empty the load pan bay
directly onto the location from which you're posting.
>A new car? A new computer? A little extra cash in your savings account?
Crow: Lawyers to defend me in the upcoming wire and mail-fraud trials?
> Well, let me say, I'm on my way to reaching my dream.
Mike: (doper voice) Yeah, man, I found like a whole *quarter* yesterday.
>Slowly, a little
>at a time, but my business is growing,
Tom: Like a cancer.
>and hopefully, if you would like
>more information, and care to create your own business, your dream will
>come true as well.
Tom: (sings) Dreams...will come true...it could happen to you...
All: Naaaah!
> Your business doesn't take a huge start-up fee, to begin with, it
>probably won't take up a lot of your time.
Tom: Yes, armed robbery requires as little as a ski mask and a Saturday Night
Special.
>But, as it grows, and you start
>to see some real earnings, then you won't have to worry about your "real"
>job.
Mike: No, you'll be in prison, and worrying about the 300-pound bald guy
who keeps calling you "Missy".
>You can spend your time building ->your<- business, as well as having more
>time for the activities you enjoy doing.
Crow: License plates.
Tom: Hey, if Mike Tyson can buy lamborhinis from his cell over a pay phone,
who knows?
> If you're interested in reaching your dream, please mail me at
>er...@alaska.net.
>
> Thanks for your time,
>
> -eric
Crow: That's IT???
Tom: There was ... no point.
>--
>er...@alaska.net
Tom: Seen it.
Crow: Hated it.
Mike: Let's get out of here, guys...
1...2...3...4...5...6
Tom: What was the *point* of sending that message? Anyone with half a working
neuron can tell that this is another "get-rich-quick" scheme.
Mike: Right, but by not announcing any of the details, he can suck in the
really stupid people and fleece them at his leisure!
Crow: You think this could just be another front to the Mads?
Mike: No, I don't think even they could sink that low...
[Deep 13]
Frank (clothes still smoking in places): 313 new mail items have arrived.
Dr F: Yes, there'll be no struggling for grants from now on!
[noticing the monitor is on]
Push the button, Frank.
[As Frank reaches]
No, take the dataglove off! Take the dataglove off!
[BZZZT CRACKLE]
\ /
--- + ---
/ \
>My dream is to become debt free, and have
>enough money to go down to the store and purchase what I will, without
>having to worry about writing a bad check.
--- Joe M.