[MSTed] WHY IS LIFE SO FULL OF PROBLEMS? HAS RELIGION FAILED US?
Roger M. Wilcox
PROBLEMS? HAS RELIGION FAILED US?", and rest assured it will answer
*all* of your deepest philosophical questions. [giggles] Enjoy!
[BZZZZT! BZZZZT! BZZZZT! BZZZZT!]
MIKE: OH NO! WE'VE GOT DRIVEL SIGN!!!
6
...
5
...
4
...
3
...
2
...
vault door
...
>From: James Brinker (o...@ix.netcom.com)
>Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk,alt.christnet.philosophy,alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,alt.mythology,alt.religion.christian,
CROW: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk?
TOM: Well, some guys have interesting fetishes, what can I say?
>Subject: WHY IS LIFE SO FULL OF PROBLEMS? HAS RELIGION FAILED US?
>Followup-To: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk,alt.christnet.philosophy,alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,alt.mythology,alt.religion.christian,
TOM: Oh, I'm SO glad the follow-up list is so much SMALLER a than the
newsgroups list!
>Date: 3 May 1995 00:28:45 GMT
>Organization: Concentric Research Corporation
MIKE: Did they make the CRC handbook of chemistry and physics?
TOM: No, they delved into the secret lives of circles that have the
same center point. They're trying really really hard to verify
Euclidean geometry.
>Lines: 172
MIKE: \
TOM: > Groooooooan....
CROW: /
>Distribution: world
>NNTP-Posting-Host: viking-fddi.cris.com
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
>
> WHY IS LIFE SO FULL OF PROBLEMS?
CROW: Because of James Brinkner?
>
> Is a Trouble-Free Paradise Possible?
MIKE: \
TOM: > Tell us! Tell us!
CROW: /
>
> SERIOUS PROBLEMS GROW WORSE—WHY?
TOM: Alcoholism just won't go away on its own ...
>
> People have always had problems. Although many thought modern
> technology could solve them, serious problems are worsening.
MIKE: That's 'cause now our problems have to do with programming our
VCRs and punching the right buttons for Voice Mail.
>
> Crime: Few feel safe walking on the streets or even sitting in
> their own homes. In one European country, nearly 1 person out of 3
> was a victim of a crime in a recent year.
CROW: We don't know about the other 699,999,997 Europeans -- but of THOSE
THREE, one was a victim of a crime!
>
> Environment: Air, land, and water pollution is more and more
> widespread. In developing nations, one fourth of the people do not
> have access to clean water.
TOM: Oh, yeah, THAT situation's really gotten worse than it was in the
MIDDLE AGES!
>
> Poverty: There are more poor and hungry people than ever.
MIKE: Uh, there are more people than ever period, Mister Brink-person.
> Over 90
> Percent of the people in some lands live in poverty;
CROW: Meaning they don't have stereo TV sets.
> 30 percent of the
> worlds labor force, about 800 million, are unemployed or
> underemployed—and the numbers grow.
MIKE: Remember, being employed is more important than life itself!
>
> Hunger: Even if you yourself have enough to eat, increasing
> millions do not. In underdeveloped countries, each year at least 13
> million people, mostly children, die from the effects of hunger.
TOM: Eat your peas, there are children starving in underdeveloped countries.
>
> War: Hundreds of thousands have been killed in recent ethnic
> violence. And in the 20th century, wars have killed well over a hundred
> million people.
>
> Other Problems: To the above, add worsening family breakdown,
TOM: Darned no-fault divorce laws, it's all their fault.
> more
> unwed mothers,
CROW: And all those shameful animal species prancing around having babies
without getting legally married! What's this world coming to?
> increasing homelessness, widespread drug abuse, rampant
> immorality.
TOM: Stop touching yourself! You're contributing to the rampant immorality.
> Rightly, a former U.S. cabinet member said:
> “There are just too many signs of . . . civilization gone rotten.” In
> a recent 30-year period, the U.S. population grew 41 percent, but
> violent crime shot up 560 percent, illegitimate births 400 percent,
CROW: Darned people deciding not to follow outdated marriage laws, I say
we string 'em up!
> divorces 300 percent,
CROW: Darned no-fault divorce laws, I say we --
MIKE: Uh, we get the picture, Crow.
> the teen suicide rate over 200 percent. The
> situation is similar in other nations.
>
> Why Have Problems Grown Worse?
MIKE: \
TOM: > Tell us! Tell us!
CROW: /
>
> Our Creator provides the answer.
TOM: ... Uh oh.
CROW: I have a bad feeling about this...
> His Word calls these
> problem-filled times “the last days,” a period
> when “critical times hard to deal with” would be here. (2 Timothy 3:1)
MIKE: Yeah, those days of ancient Vandals and Visigoths weren't hard times
to deal with at all.
> The last days of what? Well, the Bible speaks of “the end of the
> world.”—Matthew 24:3, King James Version.
CROW: Of course, that's only the King James Translation. Modern biblical
scholars now feel that Matthew 24:3 is best translated as predicting
the end of the Weinerschnitzel.
>
> Today’s growing problems are clear evidence that the end of this
> system of things is near, including the end of wickedness and those
> responsible for it.
MIKE: The end of Wickerness?
TOM: Oh no!
CROW: But that's most of my *furniture*! What'll I sit on after the
End of Wicker?
> (Matthew 24:3-14; 2 Timothy 3:1-5; Revelation 12:7-
> 12) Soon God will intervene and see to it that all of today’s problems
> are completely solved.
TOM: Except for that one last bug in Windows 95.
> —Jeremiah 25:31-33; Revelation 19:11-21.
>
>
> THIS WORLD’S RELIGIONS HAVE FAILED
CROW: They will have to repeat the class.
>
>
> Instead of helping to solve today’s problems, this word’s religious
> system add to them. During wars, Catholics kill Catholics, Protestants
> kill Protestants—by the millions. Not long ago in Rwanda, where
> most are Catholic, people killed one another by the hundreds of
> thousands! (look at pictures in TIME)
CROW: Huh? Now he's giving us stage directions?
TOM: But millions didn't look at the pictures in TIME, for they were too
late. Get it? In time? Uh, heh heh, uh ...
[MIKE pats TOM onna head.]
>
> Would Jesus go to war with a rifle
CROW: Uh, Mike, had rifles been invented in ancient Palestine?
> or a machete and kill his
> disciples because their nationality was different from his?
MIKE: [Sally Struthers] Sure, we all do!
> Surely
> not!
TOM: And stop calling me Surely.
CROW: Too easy, Tom.
> ‘The one who loves God,” the Bible says, “should be loving his
> brother also.
CROW: Uh, we're gettin' into a whole weird area here.
> (1 John 4:20,21) This world’s religions have failed to do that. “They
> publicly declare they know God, but they disown him by their
> works.”—Titus 1:16
CROW: Wow, she's sure got nice Titus.
MIKE: Cut it out, Crow!
TOM: Didn't he invent the Titus-Bode law?
MIKE: No, you're thinkin' of his brother, Sam Titus.
>
> Further, by not really upholding Bible standards of morality, the
> world’s religions contribute to the shocking moral breakdown earth
> wide.
MIKE: But they all SAY they're upholding the Bible's standards of morality...
CROW: I blame the morality for the shocking moral breakdown, myself.
>
> Jesus said that you could tell false religion from true religion
> ‘by its fruits
MIKE: \
TOM: > Homophobe!
CROW: /
> ‘ ’—by what its members do.
MIKE: \
TOM: > Oh.
CROW: /
> ‘ ’— He also said: “Every tree not
> producing fine fruit gets cut down and thrown into the fire.” (Matthew
> 7:15-20)
CROW: Then what do they build furniture out of?
> Gods Word urges us to flee from religion that bears bad fruit and thus
> faces destruction.—Revelation 18:4.
TOM: So, do you think the Crusades counts as bad fruit?
>
>
> True Religion Has Not Failed
>
> True religion “produces fine fruit,” especially love. (Matthew
> 7:17; John 13:34,35)
TOM: Ooh, we're goona have some sweet lovin' tonight!
CROW: Matthew and John, sittin' in a tree ...
> What united international brotherhood of
> Christians practices such love? Who refuse to kill those of their own
> religion or anyone else? -- 1 John 3:10-12.
MIKE: Uh, sorry, I don't qualify, I accidentally stepped on a
Moslem ant last week.
>
> Jehovah’s Witnesses have the reputation of bearing that “fine
> fruit.
TOM: Jehovah's ... ?
MIKE: ... Witnesses?
> ” All over the globe, in more than 230 lands, ‘they have beaten
> their swords into plowshares.
CROW: You can beat my sword any time, baby!
MIKE: Cro-ow!
TOM: I owned some plowshares once, but the dividends were sporadic.
CROW: Yeah, and then the company got *plowed under*! Get it?
> (Isaiah 2:4) Their love for people is
> also shown by
TOM: Handing out candy canes?
MIKE: Organizing support groups?
CROW: Not running over pedestrians much?
> their obedience to Christ’s command to preach the “good news” of God’s
> Kingdom worldwide. (Matthew 24:14)
MIKE: So, what's the good news, again?
TOM: Something about "my kindgom can beat up your kingdom"?
> The also practice and advocate the
> high morals taught in the Bible. -- 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
MIKE: [Ricardo Montalban] My rich Corinthian leather!
>
> True Religion has not failed. It directs people to the only One
> capable of solving mankind’s problems.
TOM: Mike, does this guy use invisible apostrophes or something?!
> Soon that One will bring about
> an entirely new world. Who is that One?
CROW: Bill Gates?
MIKE: David Koresh?
TOM: The Risen Ghost of Jimmy Hoffa?
>
>
> A TROUBLE -FREE PARADISE IS A CERTAINTY
TOM: And it can be yours for only $700 down and $129.95 a month!
>
> If you could, wouldn’t you solve all the problems that affect
> mankind? Of course you would!
CROW: I'd start with the kooks-on-the-Usenet problem...
>
> Should we think that our loving Creator, who alone has the power
> and the wisdom to solve mankind’s problems, will do any less?
MIKE: Well, what's this Creator person done for me lately?
>
> The Bible reveals that God will intervene in human affairs by means
> of his heavenly government in the hands of Jesus Christ.
TOM: Heavenly government!
CROW: Jumbo shrimp!
MIKE: Military intelligence!
TOM: Good fanfiction!
> It will
> “crush” corrupt governments on earth. (Daniel 2:44; Matthew 6:9, 10)
CROW: It'll crush every government on Earth, then?
TOM: And all the people that work for those governments?
MIKE: Sheesh, do you thing God might've been responsible for the Oklahoma
City bombing?
CROW: If He was, just remember, I didn't vote for Him.
> And why? Addressing God, the psalmist answers: “That people may know
> that you, whose name is Jehovah, you alone are the Most High over all
> the earth.”—Psalm 83:18.
TOM: Jehovah Jehovah Jehovah!
MIKE: You are not to stone anyone here, even if that person says Jehovah!
>
> When this world ends, will there be survivors? “The world is
> passing away, “ The Bible says, “ But he that does the will of God
> remains forever.” (1 John 2:17)
TOM: So the subservient basically get to sit around and rot for all
eternity, then?
> Where will these survivors live
> forever?
CROW: Hoboken?
TOM: Aamsterdam?
MIKE: Three Rivers?
CROW and TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Well, my mom lives there.
> “The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and the will
> reside forever upon it,” The Bible answers.—
TOM: Yes, "the" will reside forever upon the Earth.
MIKE: It's the Definite-article of Durability!
CROW: It's the Adjective of Adamant!
> Psalm 37:9-11, 29; Proverbs 2:21, 22.
CROW: Hey, he's quoting us *chapter and verse*! Get it?
MIKE: Uh, I think that's where the phrase originally comes from.
> In God’s new world, “death will be no more,
TOM: But the birth rate won't throttle back one tiny notch, so the world's
gonna get REAL crowded REAL fast!
> neither will mourning nor
> outcry nor pain be anymore.” (Revelation 21:4) No more crime, poverty,
> hunger, sickness, sorrow, or death! Why, even
> dead ones will live again! “There is going to be a resurrection.”
> (Acts 24:15) And the earth itself will be transformed into a literal
> paradise.—Isaiah 35:1, 2; Luke 23:43.
CROW: And the price of cheese will zoom to $5 per pound!
MIKE: And there will be two cars in every garage, and two chickens in
every pot!
TOM: And the Cubs will win a World Series!
MIKE: Now, come on, Tom, let's not go OVERboard!
>
> What must we do to enjoy life in God’s new world?
CROW: Just sit back and suck it up?
> Jesus said:
> “This means everlasting life, their taking in knowledge of you, the
> only true God, and of the one whom you sent forth, Jesus Christ.” (John
> 17:3)
MIKE: And Jesus refers to himself in the third person again.
CROW: Crow would like a cookie.
TOM: Tom longs for the end of this post.
> Millions of honesthearted people all over the world are taking in
> that knowledge. This enables them to cope with many of their personal
> problems now but more important,
TOM: LY! More importantLY!
MIKE: Now, remember what I said about grammar flames, Tom.
TOM: Yeah, yeah, all right, a preposition isn't something you should end
a sentence with.
CROW: That's the kind of grammar, up with which I shall not put.
> it gives them full confidence that
> problems beyond their ability to solve will be fully remedied in
> God’s new world.
CROW: God s new world! It fixes EVERYTHING!
TOM: It slices!
MIKE: It dices!
CROW: It sings to the baby!
TOM: And you also get this set of six steak knives!
MIKE: \
TOM: > Now how much would you pay?!
CROW: /
>
>
> 1995 Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania. All rights
> reserved.
CROW: She's got HUUUUUUUGE ... tracts of land!
>
>
> For Further information or a free home Bible study, please write Watch
> Tower, using the appropriate address below.
>
>
> ALASKA 99507: 2252 East 48th. Ave., Anchorage. BAHAMAS: Box N-1247,
> Nassau, N.P. BARBADOS: Fontabelle Rd., Bridgetown. CANADA: Box
> 4100, Halton Hills (Georgetown), Ontario L7G 4Y4. ENGLAND: The
TOM: Okay, got it.
> Ridgeway, London NW7 1RP. FRANCE: B.P. 63, F-92105 Boulogne-
> Billancourt Cedex. GERMANY: Niederselters, Am Steinfels, D-65618
> Selters. GHANA: Box 760, Accra. HAWAII 96819: 2055 Kam IV Rd.,
CROW: All right, thank you very much, that's enough.
> Honolulu. JAMAICA: Box 180, Kingston 10. KENYA:
> Box 47788, Nairobi. LEEWARD ISLANDS: Box 119, St. Johns, Antigua.
> NETHERLANDS: Noordbargerstraat 77, NL-7812 AA Emmen. NETHERLANDS
TOM: We get the message already!
> ANTILLES: P.O. Box 4708, Willemstad, Curacao. NIGERIA: P.M.B. 1090
> Benin City, Edo State. PUERTO RICO 00970: P.O.
> Box 3980, Guaynabo. TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO, REP. OF: Lower Rapsey Street
CROW and TOM: THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! MAKE IT STO-O-OP!!
> & Laxmi Lane, Curepe. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: 25 Columbia Heights,
> Brooklyn, NY 11201-2483.
>
CROW: Whew! It's finally over.
TOM: Come on, Mike, let's get out of here before he starts another
geography lesson.
>
>
>
...
vault door
...
2
...
3
...
4
...
5
...
6
...
[S of L]
CROW: Mike, was he talking about the same Jehovah's Witnesses that come
around to your door saying all sorts of annoying things about
fossil records?
MIKE: Well, it's hard to say for sure. He may have been talking about some
other, lesser known, more "true" sect of Jehovah's Witnesses --
TOM: -- That say all sorts of annoying things on Usenet instead?
CROW: Well, I've always thought it might be nice to paint a pentagram on
the floor of my foyer, anc cover it up with a bathmat or something.
Then, any time Witnesses come around, I can move the bathmat off,
and try to lead those poor lost sheep into the Heavenly Kingdom
of Satan.
TOM: You're sick, Crow.
MIKE: Whadaya think, sir?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: [smugly] I'll be sending up some Jehovah's Witnesses to your door
real soon, then, Nelson -- and they'll be carrying cans of
pentagram repellant! Wahahahahahaha!!! Er, push the button,
Frank.
[silence]
DR. F: All right, *I'll* push the button then! Sheish!
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
V V
V V
------------------------->> (*) <<---------------------------
^ ^
^ ^
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
POHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
HEAD WRITER: rog...@cisco.com
HEAD WRITER'S OTHER ADDRESS: tra...@netcom.com
BASED ON MATERIAL PRODUCED BY: o...@ix.netcom.com (used without permission)
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 BY: Best Brains, Inc.
THE THEME FROM "ROCKY" BY: Bill Conti
COPYRIGHT (C) 1995 BY SOMEONE WITH WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS.
WRITTEN IN SHADOWRAMA.
KEEP CIRCULATING THE FTP SITES.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1995 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc., or by the artist formerly known as Joel Hodgson
but whose name is now a trademark too, is intended or should be inferred.
> Would Jesus go to war with a rifle or a machete and kill his
> disciples because their nationality was different from his?
--
Roger M. Wilcox rog...@cisco.com (a.k.a. tra...@netcom.com (Jeff Boeing))
------------------- I'm not flying fast, just orbiting low. -----------------
MSTie #38188 | Dvorak keyboard - Esperanto - Ross Perot - ProLog - Amiga 2000
| Do I follow lost causes, or what?