REPOST - MiSTied: "The Evil of the Woodlthrobs" by Ben Goudie (pt. 2)
Pye
(b...@agoudie.epulse.net)
MiSTed by: M.L. Stone (pyew...@my-deja.com)
Here is part two of a newly apostrophed "The Evil of the Woodlthrobs".
Still, no offense is meant to Ben Goudie. If anyone would like to
comment on Ben's original work, please write to him at:
b...@agoudie.epulse.net (Notes from Ben Goudie, may be found at the end
of the MiSTing.)
And yes, constructive criticisms, comments, smart ass remarks and Meta-
MiSTings are welcomed.
The MiSTing is still:
Rating PG (innuendo)
Era sometime in Season 5
Copyright information:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1999 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
(By the way, Doctor Who and its related characters and situations belong
to the BBC. Use is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement is
intended or should be inferred.)
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Several varieties of fruit line the console. Joel and the 'Bots
are looking through them. Gypsy has joined them.]
JOEL: So, which one of these haven't we covered yet?
CROW: (in an English accent) We done the passion fruit.
JOEL: What?
SERVO: (in a Welsh accent) We done the passion fruit.
CROW: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
GYPSY: Whole and segments.
CROW: Pomegranates, greengages...
JOEL: (frowning) What's a greengage?
SERVO: (continuing the riff) Grapes, passion fruit...
JOEL: This seems really familiar...
[Commercial sign.]
CROW: Lemons...
GYPSY: Plums...
JOEL: Uh, guys, hold that thought.
[Joel hits the button.]
[-commercial- You're watching Comedy Central, where we're not at all
tired of showing Corey Haim's and Corey Feldman's greatest hits...stay
tuned for Comedy Central's First Annual Corey-Rama! We've got more
Coreys than you can shake a stick at! -commercial-]
[SOL. Joel and the 'Bots are still riffing about the fruit.]
JOEL: Hi again. We're still figuring out which fruits we haven't
covered yet in our Doctor Who Companion Taste Alike Contest.
CROW: Mangoes in syrup...
JOEL: How about cherries?
THE 'BOTS: We did them.
JOEL: Don *and* Nenah?
THE 'BOTS: Yes!
JOEL: All right, loganberries.
[The 'Bots sigh.]
JOEL: Right. [picks up a loganberry] What about this, then?
GYPSY: Detective Mike?
JOEL: Wrong series, Gypsy, but that was a good try.
CROW: That's Nyssa.
SERVO: Aw, c'mon...
CROW: No, really, she tastes like a loganberry!
SERVO: [hovers over toward a kiwi fruit] Hey, Joel, a little help
please?
JOEL: Sure. [holds the kiwi up for Tom]
SERVO: Behold, the kiwi. Oh, soft, tart oval...oh, tantalizing,
saccharine ellipse...who do you think tastes like this?
CROW: Easy. Tegan.
JOEL: That was a gimme. [picks up a pear] Who does the pear
taste like?
GYSPY: Richard Basehart!
CROW: Uh, Gypsy, Richard Basehart wasn't on "Doctor Who".
GYPSY: Oh.
SERVO: Try again, Gypsy.
GYPSY: Uh... [sways back and forth] Richard Basehart!
JOEL: But, Gypsy -
GYPSY: (yelling and hopping) RICHARD BASEHART!
[Joel and the 'Bots back away from Gypsy. Slowly.]
JOEL: [holding his hands up, still clutching the pear] Okay,
Gypsy, all right, Richard Basehart it is.
GYPSY: Yeah! Richard Basehart!
CROW: (muttering) I thought she was over that.
JOEL: (softly) I guess the intervention didn't work. [shakes his
head, exchanges the pear for a ruby red grapefruit] What about this
one?
CROW: I told you, we done grapefuit!
JOEL: But not the *ruby red* grapefruit! A-hah!
[They consider the ruby red grapefruit.]
CROW: Well, it's red.
SERVO: And sour.
JOEL: If it squirts you in the eye it burns.
SERVO: Yeah, that is irritating.
CROW: That's it! It's Mel!
JOEL: Crow!
SERVO: Well, it's true!
[Joel puts the grapefruit down and selects a banana.]
JOEL: Which companion do you think would taste like this?
SERVO: Hmm, bananas...um...ah...well, you know, Joel, sometimes a
banana is just a banana.
CROW: I say it's Adric!
ALL: Crow!
CROW: What, what'd I say?
[The light begins to flash.]
JOEL: (annoyed) I'll deal with you later, Mister Man. Right now
we've got fanfic sign!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... As they take their seats...]
CROW: (innocently) No, really, did I say something wrong?
JOEL: (in a stern voice) Later, Crow.
> CHAPTER 2: -
ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
JOEL: Hey, guys, do you think we should retire that one?
THE 'BOTS: No.
> The 2 Woodlthrobs cast Peri to the ground.
SERVO: Surprisingly, there was no couch involved in the casting
process.
> "I am Plinerene, and he is Snenerene"
JOEL: (singing) ...and we are all to-get-eth-her.
> "Don't patronise me" shouted Snenerene, annoyed hat
SERVO: How does one annoy a hat?
CROW: Read this story to it.
JOEL: Ba-dum-bump!
> he couldn't have the first
> line in the chapter.
> "Why are you here?"
JOEL: I was kidnapped by a couple of mad scientists a few years
back. And you?
> "Are you a drug-smuggler!
SERVO: He exclaimed interrogatively!
> "No" protested Peri, pathetically
JOEL: Thusly revealing her entire acting repertoire.
CROW: Hey!
> "Why not?" queried Snenerene
CROW: Yeah!
SERVO: Hold on, this guy's encouraging her to be a drug mule?
> "She is evidently an Evil rebel." Said Plinerene, quite enjoying his
> moments of high melodrama.
SERVO: As well as those moments of inconsistent punctuation and
capitalization.
> "She shall be taken to Drachir, and he shall decide her fate!"
CROW: (in a deep, evil voice) She will be paired up with Kim
Catrall, who tastes of the sweetest, creamiest peanut butter...
SERVO: (worriedly) Uh, Crow?
JOEL: (also in a deep, evil voice) ...mmm, and Kathy Ireland, who
is the softest, finest white bread...
SERVO: Joel? Crow? Guys?
> "Oh leave me alone" screamed Peri,
ALL: Us too!
> feeling that her lines were not very
> original.
SERVO: There is nothing as painful as that moment of self-
realization, is there?
> "Do not be insolent to the mighty Woodlthrobs"
> "She should be killed! What is one persons blood worth?"
CROW: (commercial voice) New and improved! Mrs. Bloodworth's
Bewaffle Syrup! Now in Peri flavor!
> said Snenerene, enjoying the shouting, and the in-joke.
JOEL: (sighing) I wish someone would let *us* in on the joke.
> "Be silent Snenerene" jutted Plinerene.
ALL: Yeah!
CROW: How in the hell do you "jut"?
SERVO: You "jut" do it.
JOEL & CROW: Boo!
> "You are foolish and fat!
JOEL: Hey, Colin Baker's not even in this scene.
SERVO: Joel! That's not nice. Bad enough he had JNT and all of
fandom on his case.
CROW: Oh, that's why he was so heavy!
SERVO: Crow!
> We shall interrogate her further"
> With that, the even semi-plausible lines were exhausted, and the
> Doctor managed to burst
JOEL: Through his rather tight waist coat.
SERVO: (shocked) Joel, what has gotten into you?
> his way through some thick and slightly prickly undergrowth.
CROW: Thankfully, the author chose not to tell us where it was
prickly.
> "Hello", he shouted, as he grabbed Peri by the hand, and pulled her
> away through the trees. The two Woodlthrobs ran after them, in a
> pantomimesque chase scene worthy of the Keystone Kops.
SERVO: But the Keystone Kops still turned it down as it was just
too over the top for them.
> They ran
JOEL: (singing) They ran so far away...
SERVO: (chuckling) I wish they would.
> around a few mulberry bushes,
SERVO: Who was the monkey and who was the weasel?
CROW: Is that a weasel in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
JOEL: Now *that* was just plain gratuitous and an obvious
Sylvester McCoy reference.
CROW: Joel, I'm going to have to hurt you now.
> until, suddenly, a menacing form loomed over
> them. Drachir had arrived. He raised his gun, and fired. The Doctor
> and Peri fell to the ground.
ALL: Yea!!!!
SERVO: I think I like this Drachir guy.
> END OF PART ONE
ALL: YEA!!!!
CROW: Yippee, all right, we are done...
[They start to exit the Theatre.]
> EPISODE 2: -
SERVO: Aw, man!
CROW: The Wrath of the Woodlthrobs!
> CHAPTER 3: -
CROW: This bites.
JOEL: That was evil, even for Dr. Forrester.
DR. F: (v.o.) Why, thank you, Joel Grey. Now, get back to it!
> Drachir drew out a large gun,
SERVO: That Drachir was always speedy with a pencil and paper.
> and shot. The Doctor and Peri fell to the
> ground.
JOEL: Again. They were both terrible klutzes.
> "My dear Doctor, you have been naďve. But, I have returned. Yes,
> Doctor, it is I, your oldest and most deadliest of enemies (I'm 73).
JOEL: He doesn't look a day over 72.
> I, am Drachir!" announced Drachir, as he struck
> an aesthetic pose, tragically undermined b the fact that he was
> wearing a stupid purple cape
SERVO: Exactly what shade of purple is stupid purple?
CROW: It's the one between ridiculous purple and thick purple.
> and pointy-armoured shoulder-pads, and a large
> crest with the words 'Stulte esse aude', meaning 'dare to be stupid'
> engraved on it.
JOEL: Drachir is a Weird Al fan?
SERVO: That explains a great deal.
CROW: You know, Drachir doesn't dare to be stupid. He tries
really, really hard.
> The Doctor glanced up, in pain, with anger in his eyes.
JOEL: I *so* know that feeling.
SERVO: We're right there with you, Doc.
> Peri whimpered, and silently
> hoped that Drachir was not one of those megalomaniacs, who, for
> reasons best known to JNT, constantly wanted to marry her.
CROW: *I* want to marry her! And all of her strawberry sweetness!
> Time passed,
JOEL: Much like a kidney stone...
> and Drachir realised that he was gaining little or no
> applause.
CROW: Get the hint?
> "I am Drachir,
SERVO: Like, duh, we know that already.
CROW: The author really seems to dig the use of these funky
anagrams.
JOEL: I'm hoping that Drachir's last name is Muinarc.
GYPSY: [entering from stage left] It's Basehart!
JOEL: Aw, geez, Gypsy! You scared the stuffing out of me!
CROW: Sheesh, what's she doing in here?
> Leader of
> the Woodlthrobs, Emperor of Fimo, chief of the chiefs of Suzuki, and
> fourth-time-running intergalactic cheese-grating champion."
> A pause
SERVO: I hope it's not a pregnant one.
ALL: Eeugh.
> "I also sell candy in a variety of flavours,
JOEL: (singing) ...we're out of mints, so pass the Life savers!
CROW: Ugh, they suck.
SERVO: They're supposed to suck. You suck on them, after all.
> including, raspberry,
CROW: (John Cleese) If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry,
just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.
GYPSY: (Michael Palin) Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?
CROW: (Cleese) Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
> vanilla, pineapple,
SERVO: (Terry Jones) A pineapple?
CROW: (Cleese) Where? Where?
SERVO: (Jones) No, I just said: a pineapple.
CROW: (Cleese) Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
SERVO: (Jones) What, on the pineapple?
CROW: (Cleese) Where? Where?
SERVO: (Jones) No, I was just repeating it.
> and new
> pink blurmange flavour.
CROW: Uh, doesn't he mean "blancmange"?
JOEL: Guys, we've been going major heavy on the Python references.
I think we should cool it for a while.
> I intend to destroy the universe, for no very
> good reason, and then nobody shall disagree with me."
SERVO: Even Spock couldn't challenge that logic.
JOEL: No crossing over, Tom.
> At this, Drachir burst into a fit of evil laughter, which fast became
> a coughing fit, as he choked on his
ALL: (chanting) Choke, choke, choke, choke, choke...!
> alleged mirth.
SERVO: I never did believe he was Mork and Mindy's kid.
> "He's gone all blue!" shouted Snenere
CROW: (as Snenerene) Quick! Get the Oompa Loompas and have them
squeeze the blueberry juice out of him!
JOEL: Isn't his name supposed to be "Snenerene"?
SERVO: Does anyone *really* care?
> "That's his natural colour" replied Plinerene
> Peri turned to the Doctor, seemingly terrified by the megalomaniac's
> evil plans to destroy the universe.
> "That's terrible!"
SERVO: Again with the self-realization! I think she's coming
around!
> "It's a stage people go through, Peri" said the Doctor, hiding his
> fear beneath a foppish exterior.
JOEL: The sixth Doctor wasn't foppish. That's more in line with
the fourth Doctor or the eighth Doctor.
SERVO & CROW: Sadfanboy!
> Drachir recovered himself,
CROW: Luckily, he had backed himself up on disk.
> and resumed his angular posture. "When I have
> conquered the universe", he continued, "You" he said,
SERVO: I'm not even going to get into the wonky sentence structure
of that one.
> as he pointed camply
SERVO: (laughing) How do you camply point at anything?
CROW: (as the Criminologist, an expert) You do it but making a
jump to the left...
> at the Doctor, "Will
> need a doctor."
ALL: Boo, hiss!
CROW: Joel, would you?
[Joel rips off one of Crow's arms and throws it at the screen. It
bounces off of Drachir's stupid purple cape.]
JOEL: Feeling any better?
CROW: (sighs) Ah, yes, a little, thanks.
> At this, Snenerene and Plinerene fell about in hysterics, and Peri
> showed her disapproval to the atrocious joke.
CROW: I wish she'd show *me* her disapproval!
> Drachir revelled in the humour, before noticing that The
> Doctor and Peri didn't find him funny.
SERVO: Neither do we.
CROW: How does this guy keep losing himself? It's a good thing
he's easy to find.
[Gypsy exits the Theatre.]
> "Why do you not laugh Doctor?
CROW: (as Yoda) It is that talk I Yoda like, no?
> Could it be that I am not greatly funny? Am I
> not indeed a comic?"
> Evidently not.
JOEL: (amazed) Did the author just criticize himself?
SERVO: Zoinks!
CROW: Did you just say "zoinks"?
> "Laugh Doctor!
CROW: (announcer voice) When your jokes fall flat from lack of
humor, call the Laugh Doctor! His Hippocratic hi-jinks will leave you
in stitches!
SERVO: Crow, that was almost as bad as Drachir's dialogue.
CROW: (proudly) Why, thank you.
> Laugh your last!"
> "Oh ha-di-ha", replied the Doctor in a calm yet sarcastic tone. "Now
> if you 've had enough fun with your little joke, perhaps..."
SERVO: ...you'd lose yourself again so we can all go home?
> "SILENCE!" bellowed Drachir.
JOEL: (shouting) ...IS GOLDEN!
CROW: Robinson, no call backs!
JOEL: All right, I'm sorry!
> "Guards! Guard them properly this time. I have
> a universe to destroy!"
> With that, he operated a button, which brought a cage door down,
> locking the Doctor and Peri in the alcove of the Cliffside where they
> currently resided
ALL: ...the hell?
SERVO: Did we skip a paragraph?
CROW: I don't think so.
JOEL: Um, let's see...bellowing silence...proper
guarding...destroying universe...button, cage door, cliffs...nope,
that's exactly how it reads.
> "Now what?" asked Peri, worriedly
> "I'm afraid there may be nothing we can do, Peri"
JOEL: There is something that *we* can do.
SERVO: You mean make like a tree...?
JOEL: And leave!
CROW: Oh, puh-leeze, that's a weak one, guys.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Joel and Crow are making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Servo hovers into the frame.]
SERVO: What are you guys up to?
CROW: (muttering) Building a boat, dillweed.
SERVO: What?
JOEL: [nudges Crow] We're making peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches into the shapes of different actresses. See, this one [holds
up a sandwich that is in the vague shape of a female] is Kelly Preston.
CROW: Joel, if you would? [He obliges and holds up a sandwich in the
shape of a sandwich.] That one is Peri Brown.
SERVO: Crow, it looks like a sandwich.
CROW: (defensively) What do you want, Servo? I've got one arm
left and it's not like either of my arms worked anyway! Like you could
do better?
SERVO: Of course I can! [settles in front of the spread] Just
wait until you see my masterpiece!
GYPSY: (from off screen) Can I watch?
JOEL: Sure, Gypsy, come on over.
[Gypsy enters the frame and steps in front of Cambot. She blocks our
view of the console.]
SERVO: (v.o.) You see, you just take the bread like this...
CROW: (v.o.) Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah...
SERVO: (v.o.) And then the knife goes in like this...
JOEL: (v.o.) Right...
SERVO: (v.o.) The peanut butter and the jelly must be applied in a
ratio of 3:2 in order to get the mass that you need to make the
sculpture withstand relative gravity.
GYPSY: (we see her nodding her head) Oh, that makes sense!
SERVO: (v.o.) Also, one must ensure that the bread is of the
freshest possible quality. This is the only way to ensure a good stiff
sculpture.
CROW: (v.o.) You got that right!
SERVO: (v.o.) And so you move the knife thisly and thusly
and...viola! There you have it!
[Gypsy moves to the side, enough for us to see that Servo has carved out
a stunning sandwich likeness of Kim Catrall. A knife is taped to his
arm.]
SERVO: Huzzah!
[Joel is clapping and the other 'Bots are cheering.]
JOEL: Bravo!
CROW: That's amazing, Tommy Boy! I take back all the nasty things
I said about you!
SERVO: Why, thanks - huh?
GYPSY: That's cool, Servo! Can you make me one of Richard
Basehart?
SERVO: Well, I don't know, Gypsy, I can try...
[The light starts a-spinnin' on the console. Joel hits the button.]
JOEL: Jinkies! We've got fanfic sign, kids!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
> CHAPTER 4: -
CROW: Freddy's Dead. No, really, we mean it this time!
> Snenerene and Plinerene sat, guarding the pair,
CROW: I'd like to guard that pair!
SERVO: Geez, Crow...
> who currently sat inside the small locked
> cage,
CROW: SET THE PAIR FREE!
JOEL: I'm thinking that your pair and the author's pair are two
different pair.
SERVO: I care not to think of the author's pair, Joel. It's rude.
> built into the cliff.
> Peri looked distraught, but the Doctor seemed to have a plan. He
> searched through his capacious pockets, removing several items
> including and
JOEL: As well as in addition to...
SERVO: With plus also...
CROW: Moreover furthermore along with...
> apple core, a newly created sonic-screwdriver,
JOEL: I have to interject here. I believe that's totally
inaccurate as the NAs, if I remember correctly, established that the
seventh Doctor rebuilt the sonic screwdriver, not the sixth.
SERVO: Joel, I really hope you're making that up because you are
scaring the diodes out of me.
CROW: (shaking his head) What a *sad* fan.
> a Dapol Dalek,
SERVO: Aah, the Doctor is a bigger sad fan than Joel!
> a little
> round thing which said 'beep', and a packet of Jelly babies.
> "What are we going to do" asked Peri, in the foolish belief that she
> might be clever enough
JOEL: Meooooooow!
SERVO: What a dis!
CROW: How dare he insult my jelly bride in such a manner!
> to
> play an active part
JOEL: ...in a series that's currently on the air.
> in stopping Drachir.
> "I have a plan,
SERVO: A plan where all men are created equal...
CROW: Oh, stop trying to drag Roddenberry into it, would you?
> to get out of here, and stop Drachir."
> "Well?"
JOEL: No, I'm feeling a bit queasy at the moment.
> Without an explanation, the Doctor picked the packet of Jelly babies
> from the ground, and threw it into the middle of a large and prickly
> bush.
CROW: A good depilatory could fix that.
JOEL: Crow, that was gross and uncalled for. You're getting a
time out, mister.
> The incompetent Woodlthrob guards ran over, and began to fight over
> the packet. The Doctor raised the sonic screwdriver to the lock, and
> reversed the polarity of its neutron flow.
ALL: AAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Sadfanwank reference!
> Click
> "It's open" said Peri, stating the obvious.
SERVO: I find that highly unusual for a Doctor Who companion.
> "We've got to stop Drachir", said the Doctor, unable to think of a
> bad pun to suit the occasion.
JOEL: Was it really the Doctor who -
SERVO & CROW: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
JOEL: (in a louder voice) - who couldn't think of a bad pun or was
it just the author?
> High up, on the top of a hill, Drachir sat.
CROW: And sat and sat and sat. Then he sat some more.
JOEL: Would this make him the fool on the hill?
SERVO: (singing) Day after day, alone on a hill...
> He was seated under a small, corrugated
> cardboard shelter, to keep most of the rain off.
SERVO: 'Cause he heard it was all the rage in downtown Manhattan.
> He was surrounded with evil-looking computer-
> hardware, most of which was just for effect.
> Drachir was on the phone. He was talking to his special friend,
> Tarquin.
CROW: Special friend? What the hell does that mean? Joel?
JOEL: You're too young for that.
CROW: You just don't want to tell me.
JOEL: Yeah, that too.
> "Oh hi, Tarquin, pencil me in, to do lunch. I'm just about to destroy > the universe... Yes... OK, chow."
SERVO: Okay, beagle.
CROW: Okay, greyhound.
JOEL: Did you know that Greyhound One was Brigadier Lethbridge-
Stewart's call sign?
CROW: Servo, I'll tackle his legs while you pummel his head, okay?
SERVO: Deal.
> He
> said, trying to be modern,
JOEL: He's no Millie.
CROW: Well, she was thoroughly modern, after all.
SERVO: And simply delish.
> but failing quite badly.
> Suddenly, the Doctor and Peri appeared from behind the shelter.
> However, Drachir held a small hand-pistol, set to kill.
SERVO: (as Shatner) We come in peace, shoot to kill.
JOEL: Tom, no more Trek, okay?
> "No Doctor, you will not stop me this time. I have planned this
> moment for days, weeks, years, months even.
SERVO: Got a little dyslexic on his timing, didn't he?
> Soon the universe shall pay for its many, many, many, many, many,
> many, many, many, many crimes."
JOEL: Which primarily consists of any fanfic by Ratliff, Mosley or
Gonterman.
SERVO: Don't forget all of Abian's plans for planetary realignment.
> "Drachir, don't you realise that if you destroy the universe, you'll
> destroy yourself!"
> "Oh Bugger"
SERVO: (McCoy) You and your damn Vulcan logic!
JOEL: What did I tell you about the Trek references?
SERVO: But you mentioned Ratliff!
JOEL: That doesn't count and you know it.
> "At least this way, you can go and sign up for your pension"
> suggested Peri, once again trying to be amusing.
CROW: She's much better at being strawberry jelly than she is at
being amusing.
> "No. You are right. What is my life worth now?"
JOEL: (Minnewegan) Oh, well, now, about $4.25 over at the thrifty
mart down the road there.
> Slowly he raised his gun to his head, and fired. His body slumped to
> the ground. Peri turned to the Doctor, and cried on his shoulder.
JOEL: The multicolored fabric worked very well to hide her snuffle
stains.
SERVO & CROW: JOEL!
JOEL: What? That wasn't bad.
SERVO: No, but it was gross.
CROW: Do you think my sweet Peri has strawberry flavored -
SERVO & JOEL: Crow!
CROW: Tears! I was going to say tears!
> He looked on, unemotionally. Eventually, he led her away.
> "There should have been another way"
SERVO: (mutter) Ain't that the truth.
> The Doctor and Peri walked away saddened by the day's events, but
> relieved that Drachir's menace was finally gone.
SERVO: (as Peri) Oh, Doctor, aren't you relieved that your oldest
and most deadliest of enemies is finally gone?
CROW: (as the Doctor) Yes, but I shall miss his cheese grating
skills. Came in ever so handy when I made Caesar salad.
> Or was it.
SERVO: I love the way this question is declared. It makes such a
statement.
> Drachir's pale body twitched,
SERVO: I guess he was a pale blue.
JOEL: Would that make him periwinkle?
CROW: Can I show Peri my winkle?
JOEL & SERVO: CROW!
SERVO: I think we just lost our PG rating.
CROW: Like *I* can read Jack Valenti's mind?
> and eventually rose up
JOEL: [holding onto Crow's mouth. Crow hops up and down as his
comment is muffled] The brewer's yeast and leaving him in a cool, dark
place helped. [releases Crow, who makes coughing noises]
> "Doctor. We shall meet
> again, and next time, I shall be prepared."
CROW: (as Drachir) Yes, Doctor, I will get the Cliff's Notes and
I will cram like I've never crammed before!
> Suddenly, Nikhos limped up, intent on revenge,
> hate for Drachir being the only one thing keeping him alive.
CROW: Well, there's that and then there's the fact that he WASN'T
REALLY HURT BY ANYTHING!
> "I'm not dead yet, Drachir, and now, I'm going to have my long-
> awaited revenge"
SERVO: (as Nikhos) Yes, I have waited four long chapters for this.
> "It is the end,
SERVO: (singing) My only friend, the end...
> Nikhos, but the moment has been prepared for"
CROW: (as Drachir) I've been marinating the chicken for about
three hours in a tarragon and white wine marinade. What do you think?
> Drachir stood, and got out his pistol. He slowly raised it, towards
> his own head, but finally turned it to Nikhos, and shot.
JOEL: (as Drachir) PSYCHE!
> As Nikhos died, and Drachir laughed,
JOEL: (as Drachir) I am laughing because I am evil, do you
understand, I'm evil - oh, you're dead, aren't you?
> the familiar wheezing and groaning of the
> TARDIS could be heard over the barren landscape.
CROW: Just how barren was it with all those trees, bushes and that
prickly stuff?
> THE END
ALL: WOO-HOO!!!!!!
> DRACHIR SHALL RETURN
ALL: BOO!!!!
CROW: Bite me!
> This was originally written as a short sketch by myself and Seth
> Ewin, for a school drams festival,
SERVO: For every year we celebrate that most disrespected of liquid
measures, the dram.
JOEL: I think that's a colloquialism for "drama".
SERVO: Joel, don't ruin my jokes.
> and included many more clichés and terrible puns/jokes,
CROW: Oh, thank you for giving us the slimmed down version.
> a new Doctor, and his
> transsexual companion Bob (From the 70s).
SERVO: (singing) He was a sweet transsexual...from
transcendental...nineteen-seven-tah-ay-ay-ay....!
> As a short story, it is the first I have ever
> written,
JOEL: No!
> and is
> understandably
> not very good. Please tell me what you think, so I can modify my
> style
JOEL: Well, it wasn't bad...
CROW: But it wasn't *very* good, either.
SERVO: Oh, heavens no, it's wasn't *very* good.
JOEL: Nope. Sure wasn't.
CROW: But it wasn't bad, like a Marrissa lemon bad.
SERVO: Ouch!
> (P.S. as it was not written
> for 6th/Peri, the second episode in particular is out of character
> reactions please)
JOEL: I couldn't tell that it wasn't written for the sixth Doctor.
SERVO: Yeah, right.
CROW: Too late, fanboy, your cover's been blown.
SERVO: So that's it, then?
JOEL: Yes, I think so.
CROW: Hot damn! Let's go!
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Joel and the 'Bots are discussing the fanfic.]
CROW: I still don't get it. That lame-o battle cry sucked the
breath out of Nikhos?
SERVO: Yeah, Joel, and all of that "evil-looking" computer
equipment that was just for show, that hunk of junk forced a powerful
piece of highly advanced time technology to land on Mortis? Seriously,
how credible is that?
CROW: What I want to know is, how was Drachir going to destroy the
universe? By giving it a terminal sugar high? Gum disease? Annoying
it to death?
JOEL: Well, Crow, I get the feeling that Drachir was a highly
conflicted soul. I don't think he really wanted to take over or destroy
anything. He was just deeply hurt. After all, he vacillated between
wanting to take over the universe to destroying it. We should keep in
mind that he only really wanted to destroy the universe after Peri
rejected his love.
SERVO: (confused) Uh...she rejected his love?
JOEL: She evidenced distaste at his humor and she disapproved of
his plan for universal domination. Hey, that's got to hurt.
CROW: Just reading about it hurt me. I lost an arm.
JOEL: That reminds me, I have to go back to the theatre to get
it...
SERVO: There's one thing that's still bothering me, though.
JOEL: What's that, Tommy?
SERVO: If, when Drachir shot himself in the head, the pistol was
set to kill, how did he survive?
CROW: Yeah, what kind of plot contrivance would get him out of
that?
JOEL: Uh...um...well...you see, it's like...ah, the Mads are
calling. [hits the button]
CROW: No, they're not.
JOEL: [ignores Crow. Points a finger at Cambot] You thought you
could beat us, man, but we're solid! [makes a fist and shakes it]
SERVO: [picking up Joel's lead] Yeah! Righteous!
CROW: You're gonna have to throw more at us than that, dillweeds!
[Deep 13. TV's Frank is in the background, eating a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich. Dr. Forrester is holding a cantaloupe in one hand,
staring at it. A look of intense concentration is on his face.]
DR. F: (in a distracted voice) Wha...what was that, Joel Dreyfuss?
I'm not paying attention to you...I'm concentrating here...
[cut to SOL. Joel and the 'Bots are staring into Cambot.]
JOEL: (incredulously) Dr. Forrester, you've challenged a
cantaloupe to a staring contest?
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: (voice starting to shake) He dared me! The rotten little
foodstuffs...I'll get his, don't you - [Forrester blinks]
AAAAAAIIIIGGGHHHHH!!!!! He cheated! The little son of a honeydew
cheated! AARRGGHHHH!!!!! [Forrester takes the cantaloupe and slams it
to the ground. He begins to jump up and down on it] I am the evil
genius, do you hear me?!?!? I REIGN SUPREME!!!! Who's your daddy,
who's - your - daddy?!?!?!?!?!
[cut back to SOL. Gypsy has joined them and all are staring in shock.]
SERVO: [rocking back and forth] The horror, Joel...the horror...
JOEL: (stunned) That is more disturbing than Adric being the
banana.
CROW: And that's pretty damn disturbing. Poor little cantaloupe.
GYPSY: I bet it tasted like Zoe.
JOEL: [looking as if he's going to be sick] I stand corrected. *
That* is way more disturbing than the banana thing.
SERVO: Gypsy, sweetie, maybe you'd better lie down for a while.
[Deep 13. Forrester is still dancing on the cantaloupe and Frank is
trying to calm him. Frank has finished his sandwich, but it sounds as
if he used too much peanut butter.]
FRANK: Clhaytonh, c'mon, he dihdn't meanh anyhthing bhye ith.
DR. F: He'll pay, he'll pay! I'll make him rue the day he was
produced!
FRANK: Shteveh, you're shcaring theh testh subjecths...
[SOL. Everyone violently nods in agreement.]
[back to Deep 13. Forrester is still jumping and flailing about. He
looks like he's moshing by himself.]
FRANK: [trying to get a hold of Forrester] Lishten, Shteveh, you
nheed to -
[Forrester pogos into Frank, knocking him to the ground.]
FRANK: OOF!
DR. F: [still jumping] PUSH THE BUTTON, FRANK!
[Frank grabs onto the console and pulls himself up from the floor. He
reaches up and hits the button.]
-- pop! --
DR. F: (v.o.) Who's...your...daddy...?!?!?!?!?
[Cue the Love Theme. Roll credits]
Thanks to American schoolteachers and the authors of the first
amendment. Keep circulating the tapes.
Follwing are some notes from the author, Ben Goudie:
"1) It's not intentionally bad
2) A Tarquin is a large monster keen on eating people.
3) The KNIP sound has no silent letters, and yet remains monosyllabic
4) The KNIP sound can kill/stun
5) Drachir was very cunning
6) The strawberry taste was NOT blood. It did not eminate in any way
from Miss Perpaguilliam "Peri" Brown.
7) The in-joke is that, as this was done in a school drama festival,
Several key features were semi-satirical. The school headmaster was one
Richard Bloodworth (PhD. etc.), which is an anagram of drachiR
woodlthroB.
8) Several key points picked up on derive from my inability to type and
satisfactorarily spell-check at the same time."
[]
"Oh hi, Tarquin, pencil me in, to do lunch. I'm just about to destroy
the universe... Yes... OK, chow."
[]
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