MSTing: "THE ILLUMINATI"
Joshua Lang
"THE ILLUMINATI", by Unknown
This MSTing is by Joshua Lang (tor...@cafes.net)
This is my first MSTing. Any comments or criticism will be appreciated.
This MSTing is:
CONS - because of whacked out "truths"
And ERA is:
HOME
In the not too distant future
Five minutes from right now
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Live in Wisconsin now
Escaped from a woman whose name is Pearl
Who failed trying to takeover the world
But unbeknownst to Mike and the bots
A certain star baby wants his revenge!
(I am back!!!!)
Now they read cheesy posts
Beamed in by omnipotence
La-La-Laa
They have go and read them all
If they want to live
La-La-Laa
Now keep in mind they're still on Earth
Trapped in that apartment
La-La-Laa
He riffs crappy posts to no end
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
Cambot: Give me lines!
Gypsy: I'm rich!
Tom Servo: You callin' me short!?
Crooooow: Packers!
If you're wondering how he pays the rent
and other mundane facts
La-La-Laa
Just repeat to yourself
It's just a post
And you should really get a life!
For Mystery Wisconsin Theater 3000!
[guitar twang]
(no door sequence; instead fade in on couch/TV from 1013)
(Mike is sitting on couch, watching the TV)
TV: Every journey has a last step
Every saga has a climax
MIKE: Huh?
TV: Every TV show
Gets canceled
MIKE: (looks confused) Well... what the...?
TV: MST3K - The Final Episode. Next, on the Sci-Fi Channel.
MIKE: (now *really* confused) Hey, guys, come in here!
(Tom and Crow come in & sit on couch)
TOM: Hey, whatcha doing Mike?
CROW: Watchin' some TV?
(you can hear the Season 10 theme song coming from the TV)
MIKE: The... the... TV... (points at TV)
TOM: So?
CROW: (looks nervous) Um... Nothing unusual, nothing to see.
(Mike and Tom look suspiciously at Crow)
CROW: OKAY! I admit it! I'm pirating cable from the guy next door!
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Um, never mind...
MIKE: Okay... (looks back at TV) Does anything seem a little, I don't
know,
*ODD* about what's on right now?
TOM: No.
CROW: Is that a trick question?
TOM: It's just a taping of our last experiment.
CROW: Yeah, didn't you know the mads have been selling tapes of our
experiments for the past ten years?
MIKE: No. *Why didn't you tell me about this?*
TOM: We thought you knew.
MIKE: Well, I didn't. Oh, never mind. (turns off TV) We'll be, er, I
mean,
I'll be right back.
(Mike leaves)
TOM: What's eating him?
[commercials]
CROW: AAAHHHH!
TOM: What the heck just happened?
CROW: The commercials are back! The commercials are back! Game over
man,
Game Over!
TOM: But... we aren't... on... TV... anymore...
(Mike walks in)
MIKE: Nice Shatner impression, Tom. Any ways, I - Wait a minute. Why
is
Cambot here?
(All turn, facing Cambot)
(Cambot zooms out, and there are three colored buttons on top of the TV)
CROW: Guys, this is really weird -
(the red light starts flashing)
TOM: AAAHHHH!!! (Tom's dome explodes)
MIKE: (scared) I have a very bad feeling about this.
(the screen? switches to Deep 13. Slowly, it lights up, and is dusty
and strewn with cobwebs. No one is there - and then suddenly, the air
starts to shimmer, and figure begins to coalesce. The shimmering clears
up. It's Dr. F!)
Dr. F: Greetings from beyond the dead, Mikeroni and Cheeseheads.
[apartment]
ALL: Dr. F ? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(the rest of Tom's head explodes, Crow shakes apart like in Mitchell,
and Mike faints)
[Deep 13]
(now there is an old man Dr. F [think of the movie 2010])
Dr. F: And, I believe you have met my new partner.
(brain noise plays, and Observer appears!)
OBS.: Hello there, pigmented ones. I finally found a job that pays
better than being an all-knowing consciousness. You see, I -
Dr. F: Shut up, you lobotomized albino. Any ways, for this week's
experiment-
[apartment]
MIKE: Experiment?! I'M OUTTA HERE!!
(Mike leaps up, and runs toward the door)
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I'm afraid that won't work. I had brain boy here seal all the
exits
to your apartment. I'm sending you a short post I found on
alt.conspiracy. Enjoy, or more preferably don't. Send them the
post, snow ball.
(brain noise)
[apartment]
(a Tom, without a head, a messed-up looking Crow and Mike stare in
disbelief)
MIKE: WE'VE GOT POST SI - wait a minute. No siren?
(movie sign siren)
MIKE: That's better. WE'VE GOT POST SIGN!!!
(no door sequence. Cambot swings around behind couch, and the view
melts
into a shadowrama)
>Subject: THE ILLUMINATI
CROW: Bringing you quality light bulbs since 1927
>Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 15:34:05 +0100
>From: William <Jus...@jiwalu.demon.co.uk>
MIKE: All hail Jiwalu!
ALL: (chanting) Jiwalu, Jiwalu, Jiwalu...
>Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy
>
>BY AN UNKNOWN AUTHOR.
TOM: (author) Even though I put my name in three lines ago.
>The Illuminati
>Over 200 years ago, in 1797, one of the most respected scientists in
>the world wrote a book entitled
CROW: Why I'm An Idiot
> Proofs of a Conspiracy (London: Creech,
TOM: *Huh* I didn't know Cheech Marin was a "respected" scientist.
CROW: He had a degree in bongology.
MIKE: That's *Creech*, not Cheech.
>Cadell, Davies Publ., 1797). He was John T. Robison,
TOM: Professional buffalo thief.
> secretary general
>to Scotland's prestigious Royal Society and professor of natural
>philosophy at the University of Edinburgh.
>What he detected while on sabbatical in Europe was a new element
CROW: Conspiracyum.
> in the
>Grand Orient Masonic Lodges.
MIKE: You know, the word "Orient" doesn't really fit, considering they
were in Europe.
TOM: They just wanted to sound "kewl."
CROW: Yeah.
> He was approached by Adam Weishaupt, the
>founder of this new elite, inviting him to join an inner circle known
as
>Illuminism.
TOM: A group dedicated to installing track lighting for the poor.
>For more information:
CROW: (as author) Take a LSD trip. That's where I got all this info!
>A Chronological History of the New World Order
MIKE: Was that a hypertext link?
TOM: (as announcer) The NWO: The wrestlers, past and present. With
guest
"Hollywood" Hulk Hogan.
>Endtime Deception Homepage - Exposing the Satanic conspiracy of
CROW: Stupid alt.conspiracy posts.
> the
>Illuminati's New World Order
>
>Conspiracy or Coincidence?
CROW: Conspiracy. No, Coincidence. Wait, let me change my answer!
>The Cutting Edge
MIKE: Starring D.B. Sweeney
(bots turn to look at Mike)
TOM: How did you know that, and why?
MIKE: Um...
>Patriot Knowledge Base -
TOM: Home to the largest New England Patriots player stats database on
the web.
> Internet Home of Traditional American
>Philosophy vs. the New World Order Conspiracy
CROW: Actually, judging from all these "Illuminati" posts that get
written, the American philosophy is to make up conspiracy
theories.
TOM: But this guy is in British. Americans couldn't possibly write this
crud.
MIKE: Tom, don't you remember McElwaine?
BOTS: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
>
>The Illuminati and the Counsel on Foreign Relations
>A Satanic Plot for a One World Government
CROW: As opposed to a Two World Government.
TOM: So, why is it satanic to want world unity and peace?
MIKE: Well, Tom, people label things they don't like "satanic" to try to
persuade people to believe they're way.
CROW: Or maybe because they don't want to share with those loser half-
acre Euro countries.
MIKE: Crow!
>Yes! It's
TOM: Fake!
> real! Trilateral Commission Overview with Biographies
TOM: Who here thinks that someone just wanted a vague page title to get
more web hits?
ALL: I do.
>
> Adam Weishaupt was a professor of canon law
CROW: Also known as a security guard at a camera factory.
> at the University of
>Ingolstadt.
CROW: Gesundheit.
> He started the Order of the Illuminati on May 1, 1776,
>originally calling it the Order of Perfectibilists.
MIKE: (chuckling) Who where in league with the American Institute of
Psychical Researchiculating!
> His plan was to use
>the Grand Orient Lodges of Europe as a filtering mechanism
CROW: For a giant Mr. Coffee.
> through
which
>to screen out talent and build a hierarchy of inner circles.
TOM: So, Mike, this guy sets up an elaborate system of filtering out
people, and then goes up to this Robison guy asking "You want to
be in my new club?"
MIKE: Looks that way.
> Like the
>Mafia of today, only the inner circle could be trusted with the true
>purpose of the Order.
CROW: Sheesh, next this guy's gonna tell us that the Mafia and the
"Illuminati" are the same thing!
TOM: Crow, don't give him ideas!
>The true purpose of the Illuminati, according to Profesor Robison, was
>world hegomony: a world
MIKE: Where hedgehogs evolved from men?
> order ruled by an elite pretending to represent
>the common man,
TOM: So, the Illuminati is Republican?
> an elite who had penetrated every as-
CROW: Saaayyyy...
MIKE: CROW!!
> -pect of society
CROW: Oh.
>
from
>the arts to politics and law while shaping public opinion with more
>subtletly than the average citizen was able to detect.
TOM: If he's talking about subliminal messages, my head's gonna blow up.
MIKE: Your head already blew up. Besides, you don't have any more spare
heads.
TOM: Darn. I *knew* I shouldn't have blown up all those extra me-s.
>
>The Illuminati was presumed to have been dispersed by the end of the
>century but
TOM: They were really killed by Comma-Stealing Man!
MIKE: Actually, I think he had that right.
TOM: Well, I had to get a grammer flame in at *some* point.
> some believe that Illuminati members chose instead to
>conceal themselves and their plans within the cloak of Freemasonry,
CROW: So this is really just a rehash of all the other "Illuminati"
posts.
MIKE: Pretty much.
>under which auspices they continue to thrive. They have maintained a
>stranglehold on the political, financial and social administration
CROW: Yet let every net.loon know of their existence and post it all
over the internet.
> of
>the United States
MIKE: I thought the Illuminati were in Europe.
> and have significant influence in the global business
>of nations.
TOM: I KNEW IT! Bill Gates is in the Illuminati!
CROW: Microsoft - you'll go where *I* want to today.
>
>The Illuminist plan was to unseat the present powers of hereditary
>aristocracy and replace them with an intellectual aristocracy, using a
>staged revolt of the masses.
MIKE: So Lenin was really an Illuminati member?
> This, indeed, was exactly what the French
>Revolution appeared to be - key people catalyzing great numbers of
>people.
TOM: But didn't the French Revolution end up putting Napoleon on the
throne?
> The French Revolution was not a historical accident happening
>by whim, but was manipulated by geniuses who
TOM: Failed miserably and put Napoleon on the throne!
> had their own agenda.
>
>In more recent years the Illuminati has allegedly been involved in the
>assassination of John F. Kennedy
CROW: Oh great, now it's a JFK conspiracy!
> and has been at the forefront of
>indoctrinating the American public into their socialist one-world
>agenda.
MIKE: Yes, America - a completely socialistic society that hates
capitalism!
>
>--
>William
TOM: Once again, by an "UNKNOWN AUTHOR."
(shadowrama melts away, and Cambot returns to in front of the couch)
(bots are still damaged)
MIKE: Well, that wasn't so bad.
CROW: Yeah, no spelling mistakes for Tom to freak out about.
MIKE: The only thing wrong with is was the fact that "Illuminati" don't
really exist.
TOM: But what was with the "UNKNOWN AUTHOR" thing?
MIKE: Probably one of the "William"'s friends.
CROW: Yeah, the real author was probably afraid the CIA would use the
computer monitor to beam thoughts into his head.
TOM: Since there was plenty of empty space in there anyways.
MIKE: Any ways, what I want to know is what's with those commercials?
BOTS: Yeah!
(mad's light)
MIKE: Yes, omnipotences?
[Deep 13]
(Observer is sweeping in the background. Dr. F is standing in front of
the camera, with a smug look on his face.)
Dr. F: I just got off the phone with UPN. They're going to pick up the
show. Which means... DEEP HURTING for you all! Who's the god?
I'M THE GOD!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Push the button, Fr- I mean,
Brain Guy.
[FWOOSH]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations and trademarks
are (C) Copyright 1999 of Best Brains, Inc. UPN is (C) Copyright of UPN
This document is intended solely for entertainment purposes only. Any
and all infringement, of copyrights held or owned by Best Brains, Inc.,
or its
employees past or present, Comedy Central/Sci Fi or its employees past
or
present, or Joel Hodgson, is not intended and should not be inferred.
This
document is free to distribute, as long as this notice is included in
its
entirety. No offense was meant if any conspiracy theorist reads this and
is offended.
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> He started the Order of the Illuminati on May 1, 1776,
>originally calling it the Order of Perfectibilists.
Info Club #93048