MiSTed: Fun With Music
Robert Mobbs
extreme pity on me if you think it sucks. I just figured it was time to
put up or shut up. This article was kindly reposted by some anonymous chick
whom I will always respect, and I lost the header. But the drek of the body
was thankfully saved.
Enjoy. I beg of you.
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[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
(The SOL. Joel is standing center-frame, his arms stacked
full of waffles. Crow is wearing a leather biker jacket and a
studded leather cap, a Winston dangling out of his beak. Tom is
half-wrapped in aluminum foil and has two slinkys taped to his head.
The three stare at the camera for a second, not saying anything.)
[Joel] Um, you guys, I think this post is a little too short
for all this fanfare.
[Crow] (whining) But Jooooel, you said I could do my Marlon Brando
impersonation!
[Tom] Yeah, and you said you were gonna give me real arms today!
[Gypsy] (dressed up like Dorothy) And what about Scarecrow's brain?
[Joel] Ah, you kids. You just have to learn that adults lie all the
time. They love it! In fact, it's the number one adult past
time, except of course, eating nummy, nutritious....WAFFLES!!
[Light begins to blink]
[All] Ahhh!! We got USENET sign!!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
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(article copied and reposted specifically in the alt.fan.mst3k group)
[Crow] You just had to get your stupid waffle plug in, didn't you.
[Joel] (grave voice) Crow, waffles are not stupid.
[Crow] But darnit, Joel...I coulda been a contenda!
[Joel] (Ralph Kramden voice) CROW!!
[Tom] What in the hell is a "contenda"?
> Absolutely FREE MUSIC LESSONS
[Crow] By selling GRIT!
> Electronic Keyboards Organs Pianos
[Tom] Yuck...exactly what "organ" is this guy talking about?
> May even lend an instrument to begin to learn on
[Crow] Hehehehehe...
[Joel] Don't even say it, Crow
[Crow] Say what?
> Offered to all Independent-Motivated Students
[Tom] Hereafter referred to as "the unemployed."
[Joel] Hmm...I thought those were "Communications Majors?"
> Can be total beginner to music or someone who plays another instrument
[Crow] What if you're both?
[Joel] I _think_ that means you're a member of Nirvana.
> At your home through Email Computering and/or Telephone Conversations
[Tom] Hell, either one's a shot.
> Would prefer for first lesson you come to my home for DIRECT experience
> of seeing and hearing what is possible
[Tom] And that you bring loose-fitting clothes.
[Crow] Yeah, we'll go into the "Special Room."
[Joel] And if you tell your parents...I'LL KILL THEM.
[Crow] Talk about your upright organ...
> ... but I am willing to play for you over the telephone ...
[Tom] In fact, I prefer it. That way you can't identify me in a
lineup.
> To arrange time, either Email contact me preferably or call my home
> (813)867-3540 during the day while I am at work leaving a message so
> that I might call you back at my comfort ...
[Crow] Oh, I see...he saves all the punctuation until the END of the
sentence.
[Joel] Yeah. I think that's called German punctuation.
[Tom] Wow, it's MC Grammar
[Joel] No, it's just "Grammar" now.
[Crow] Yeah. He wanted to be "more accessible."
> providing you are a local call from St. Petersburg.
[Joel] Or at least willing to join my "Friends and Family" list.
> I like to communicate with others
[All together] "I'm a people person!"
> when I am best in the focus and mood for it ... therefore letting me choose
> when I want to share is best ...
[Crow] Those are MY blocks!!
> and you of course can let me know when it is a good time to contact you
> as well ...
[Tom] So I can show up at all the wrong times with my smelly brother Al,
drink all your beer, and leave my filthy underwear and toenail
clippings all over your house!
> LIFE has shown me a truly miraculously, enjoyable, simplified method
> of playing keyboarded instruments ...
[Tom] Damn. No wonder Mikey likes it.
> and I am willing and
> interested in sharing this with appropriate others that we may
> together know more special music joy ... simple, melodic, joyful
> music ...
[Crow] The type of music two human beings can make when the lights
are dim and the stronger of the two has been injected with
10 CC's of Sodium Pentathol and securely bound to a sawhorse.
[Joel] You just saw Pulp Fiction, didn't you?
[Crow] *whistles innocently*
> [NOT ROCK thank you!]
[Joel] Go to bed, old man!
> ... where the beauty and pleasure of it ... frankly ... sends shivers
> down the spine at times!
[Crow] That's just the "windowpane", pops.
> Above all my goal is for individuals to know this beauty playing for
> themselves alone ...
[Joel] Oh, wow.
> as I sit and play daily so happily for hours at
> times ...
[Crow] Tripped up on bennies, goofballs, and crystal meth!
> It is here for the taking ... but ... though I have offered this for
> years now ...
[Tom] ...the concept of the ellipsus still fascinates me.
> I continue to be amazed how very few people even
> inquire! ... and of those ... how few show up for even a first
> lesson even when I bend over backwards to make it totally convenient
> to them!
[Joel] And of those, how many knock me down and steal my furniture!
> I am thinking of charging a fee ... but only for MISSED
> lessons!
[Joel, Tom, and Crow] Doh!
> My wife
[Crow] Whom I will most willingly swap...
> and I also invite others who either enjoy singing or playing
> other instruments to join with us as well to share and explore new
> beautiful music ...
[Tom] Why do I get the feeling these types of evening involve
sitting cross-legged in a circle and listening to Yanni?
> I care to have us know ever enlarging realms of more music ...
[Joel] Until our brains EXPLODE.
> NOT to rehash the Oldies but Goodies ... of which I am frankly bored!
[Tom] Is that "Freedom Rock", man?? Turn it up!
> I've heard all the Row Row Row Your Boats I want for this lifetime!
[Joel] Wow...his parents still make him go to summer camp?
[Tom] Wouldn't you?
> I want to treat and be treated to ... NEW discoveries of more beautiful
> music ...
[Crow] Especially the "be treated to" part.
> I am very willing to share
[Joel] As long as that doesn't require giving you anything of mine.
> from my extensive music collection gathered from travels about the
> earth ...
[Crow] Most of it from the discount bin at Musicland.
> and will delight in having others share their enjoyed music ...
> which fits the quality and style that I seek.
[Tom] (German voice) No, I'm sorry, your music is not pretty enough.
I shall have to shoot you.
> Journeys of a thousand miles begin with a first step
[Joel] Whoah...deep.
> ... If you have been feeling the strong desire to have music playing in
> your life,
[Crow] Try dropping a radio in your cereal.
> I welcome your inquiry.
[Tom] Nobody expects zee Spanish Inquisition!!
> Cordially ...
[Joel] You mean, like the cherries?
> Cal Rosenberg
(the three get up to leave)
[Tom] Of the famous Bronx Rosenbergs?
[Joel] No, I think it's of the famous Manson-following hippie drug
murder squad Rosenbergs.
[Crow] You mean like that guy that killed that woman with the tuba?
[Joel] Yep.
[Crow and Tom] Wowwww....
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[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
(main room of the SOL. Joel is the only one onscreen, and he's got
a hand-held microphone)
[Joel] I'm Doug Louellen, and this is the People's Court. The
respective parties are now leaving the court room, and
we'll try and get a few words from them...Mr. Crow! Mr.
Crow!
[Crow] (wearing a tie) Yeah, whaddaya want?
[Joel] Well, we'd just like to hear your opinion of the trial, Mr.
Crow. Do you feel it is fair that you lost in complete and
utter disgrace, shaming yourself in front of millions of fat
housewives and unemployed men named Joe?
[Crow] Ah, well Doug, I must say I'm bitter.
[Joel] Oh. Okay.
(They kind of stand there, looking around)
[Crow] Gypsy...it's your cue.
(Nothing happens)
[Joel and Crow together] GYPSY!!!
(Gypsy bouces into the frame, sending Crow flying)
[Gypsy] Guilty!
[Joel] No, no, no, no....
[Gypsy] Don't you tell ME how to judge! That's canned ham of court!
(Joel shakes his head. Crow slowly weaves his way back into the frame,
being supported by Tom)
[Crow] It was big and scary...kinda like Mom.
[Joel} Whaddaya think, sirs?
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(On Deep 13, Dr. F and Frank are both holding phone receivers)
[Frank] Yeah, Cal, I know what you mean. I mean, "rock"??? What in the
hell were those kids thinking?
[Dr. F] Ahh...Yanni.
[Frank] Well, no, Cal. Even as a staunch supporter of musak as an art
form and productivity increasing device in the workplace, I cannot
claim to like Kenny G.
[Dr. F] Frank, my soul brother, would you push the groovy button?
[Frank] Certainly, my man.
(The button is pushed.)
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Hope you liked it,
Robert Mobbs
mo...@cyberspace.com