MiSTed: Heaven's Shroud Part 1
TICK
Hi there, Tick here. This is being posted on behalf of my lovely
co-host, the Badger. Make him happy, everybody!
************************************************************************
[Scene opens: Joel and the Bots are standing around on the SOL]
JOEL: You guys have anything funny to say?
CROW: Not really.
TOM: Nope...me neither.
JOEL: Gypsy, you got anything funny?
GYPSY: Does Richard Baseheart count?
JOEL: Naah...Fraid not.
[Lights begin to flash]
JOEL: Looks like Wanda and Pietro are calling.
[Scene: Deep 13. Dr. Forrester has FRANK in a black cloak.]
DR. F: Hello, Jerry and the Kids! Are you ready for the invention
exchange?
[SOL]
JOEL: I suppose so.
[DEEP 13]
FRANK: Gee, You sound sad. What's wrong?
[SOL]
JOEL: There's nothing fun to do anymore. I'm bored.
CROW: Not to fear, Joel, we're going to have some fun!
TOM: KID-STYLE!
JOEL: You mean...
CROW: That's right, Tom and I have handled the Invention Exchange
this week. You just sit back and enjoy!
GYPSY: YOU WILL ALL DIE AT MY HANDS!
CROW: No, not yet, get back in the hole!
JOEL: Huh? How's this supposed to be fun?
TOM: NEVER QUESTION US! YOUR PLACE IS TO OBEY! Get the goat out
here!
CROW: Y'see, crazy mad scientist guys, Tom and I were so bored that
we accidentally got into Joel's BLACK SABBATH record collection.
Todays invention exchange is a HOME DEMONIC PACT/LIVING WILL, as
seen on those commercials that Peter Tork usually shucks for.
TOM: No longer do you need to actually SUMMON the demon, DICKER
with the demon, and all that! Now you just have to dress like Ozzy
Osbourne, murder a goat and drink it's blood, and sacrifice an
unwilling red-jumpsuit wearing victim.
JOEL: Oh, I don't know...
GYPSY: Soon I'll be Mrs. Richard Baseheart.
TOM: And I'll have functional arms! What are you going to trade in
your soul for, Crow!
CROW: Let's just say that Bruce Willis' days as Mr. Demi Moore are
NUMBERED...MOHAHAHAHAHA!
JOEL: Guys, there's just one problem...you don't HAVE souls.
GYPSY: Oh.
CROW: 'Let's sacrifice Joel to the devil!' Great plan, Servo.
TOM: Hey, YOU were the one who said he was bored! I was plenty
happy working on my explosive space modulator!
JOEL: Well, over to you, sirs...
[DEEP 13. Frank and Dr. F have crazed glee on their faces]
DR. F: Frank, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
FRANK: I think so, but how are we going to shave a whale?
DR. F: Never mind...Frank, get the device! [Frank goes off
screen...crashing sounds!] I'm glad to see that I'm having such an
influence on those mechanical contrivances of yours, Joelarama. OUR
invention exchange is based on a simple theory of Quantum
Physics...that Dan Gannon and Sangar Argat and their ilk are, in
fact, just mindless automatons! This is our 'Hateometric
Distortonometer', just feed it in a horrible tragedy, and it denies
that it ever happened!
FRANK [Walks on screen with a 2xL wearing a white hood and a black
armband.] We've selected 'American Slavery between 1600-1865' as
our tragedy...Let's kick this bot over!
HDBOT: 'There are no witnesses to this 'supposed' slavery...all of
these so-called 'slaves' were in fact paid workers...There is
anecdoatal evidence to support my claims...I
hhave...footnotes...[Bot Explodes.]
DR. F: Design flaw.
[SOL: Joel is currently tied to a stake. Crow and Tom are dressed
up as Puritans.]
CROW: For the heinous crime of BAD HAIR, we sentance you to be
burned at the stake, after which you will be whipped to death,
hung, and then driven out of town.
JOEL: C'mon, Guys, Fun is fun and all, but this is taking 'Acting
out' a little too far!
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Speaking of taking things too far, today's post is
especially an example of that. It's entitled 'HEAVEN'S SHROUD' and
while it's not written by Ratliff, if you listen you can almost
hear him whispering his approval. And wait until you get to the
end...MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! PUSH THE BUTTON, FRANK!
[Frank, wearing a white hood, walks over to the button]
FRANK: There...never...was...a...Ratliff. The people who read his
stories LIKED them.
DR. F: Oh, Never Mind. (Pushes Button)
[SOL]
ALL: We've got FANFIC SIGN!!!
7...6...5...4...3...2...
> alt.startrek.creative archive
TOM: Where the Flavor is.
>This is an automated reposting of fiction from the
>alt.startrek.creative
>archives.
TOM: You have been warned. Escape is impossible.
CROW: I have a bad feeling about this...
JOEL: C'mon, how bad can it be?
>This is archive file:
>story/tng/cr...@applelink.apple.com/HeavensShroud.zip
JOEL: This sounds kind of fattening!
TOM: Remember when we were in Paris?
>Any comments, questions, etc. about the archives may be
>addressed to j...@cis.ksu.edu.
>=====================================CUT
>HERE===================================
CROW: I'M BLEEDING! SHE CUT IT OFF! LORENA, WHY!!!??
JOEL: Oh, now that was in bad taste!
TOM: This is going to get awfully bloody...
> Exploding: HeavensShroud
CROW: I feel a disturbance in the force...as if a billion souls
cried out, and then were stilled...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>-------------------------------
JOEL: Hmmm...according to these Heiroglyphics, there's a curse on
this Fanfic...
>A story for Geordi fans. Just a typical day in Engineering.
TOM: So nothing really happens. You can go!
CROW: Ach, Ah LUUV does foine Geordie lads...
JOEL: No, not Geordies, like Sting, Geordie, like Kunta Kinte with
a barette over his face.
>The story tries to explore some of the central questions
>associated
>with Geordi's character, like:
TOM: Does he REALLY love Lisa Marie?
CROW: Why does he wear an air filter over his face?
JOEL: Does READING RAINBOW really contain sublimial messages
telling kids to worship him?
> How did he go from navigator to
>Chief Engineer so fast? Why does he keep the VISOR and remain
>blind
>instead of risk the eye implant operation if his heart's desire
>is
>normal sight? Why is he so dorky most of the time?
CROW: Like YOU should talk, pal. At least Geordi doesn't write bad
fanfic about YOU.
>Plus: an explanation of why the old Enterprise always had so much
>trouble exiting the galaxy, Ensign Lefler's baptism of fire, and
>plenty of pseudoscientific technobabble in the best Trek
>tradition.
JOEL: Ooh, Boy, more pseudoscientific technobabble!
CROW: I know that's why I read it!
JOEL: "The dylithium chamber on my antimatter containment unit is
experiencing negative capacity downloading!"
TOM: You're TOO good at that...
>Respond to cr...@applelink.apple.com
TOM: I do, with shame and disgust.
>Please disseminate as widely as you'd like. Just keep this header
>on so responses can get back to me.
CROW: "I'm going to find you, so help me, and make you pay, Cream.
You can make book on that."
TOM: I don't think he really WANTS the responses to get back to
him.
JOEL: Keep your header on, I'm PLAYIN!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>-------------------------------
JOEL: I think it says "He who disturbs my rest shall suffer the
curse of King Ratliff."
TOM: STOP SAYING HIS NAME!
CROW: Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman...
>STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
>HEAVEN'S SHROUD
CROW: Space, the final dumping place for fanfics...
TOM: When we're done reading this, they'll BURY us in this shroud.
>Chief Engineer's Log, Stardate 45030.7: Today is the report date
>for Ensigns Lefler, Shipley, and Fletcher, posted directly from
>Starfleet Academy.
JOEL: Therefore, I thought I'd waste time and toilet paper their
rooms.
> "Alright, new recruits- welcome on board the Enterprise. I'll
>keep my welcoming remarks brief, since you wouldn't be here if you
>didn't know what you were doing.
TOM: What ARE they doing?
CROW: Dracul is loose...and he has young miss Lucy. She has the
blood of three strong ensigns in her, yet it is not enough...
JOEL: Whenever someone says they'll keep their remarks brief, I
begin to get all clammy inside.
> "There are some rules of thumb I've picked up in my time here
>that I like to share with new arrivals. First: always, ALWAYS
>doublecheck the purity of your isolinear optical cleaning fluids.
TOM: Well, that goes without saying, really.
CROW: What, does he think we'd forget something like THAT!?
>You'll be doing a lot of diagnostic work in your first few months
>here, and I can't tell you how many all-nighters I've pulled
>trying
JOEL: To get an exhausted Ensign off of the lights after drinking
that stuff, mistaking it for hot cocoa.
>to figure out why a Level One failed only to have it turn out to
>be a random scintillant that got through the filters.
CROW: We here at the country club don't allow THEIR kind in here.
We have a filtering commitee for that.
> "Second: take the time to eat right and chew your food
>slowly...
JOEL: Or I'll put you RIGHT BACK on formula!
CROW: What is this, Starfleet or Day Care?
> not only can the schedule here easily induce indigestion,
TOM: But there are the occasional bits of broken glass and rocks
to look out for.
>but we've spotted more than one ship-threatening problem in time
>only because somebody noticed something wrong with the food
>replicators.
JOEL: This burrito tastes awful..STOP THE SHIP!
CROW: They should call this THE ADVENTURES OF CHEF GEORDI.
> "Three: don't be afraid of the Klingon. He hasn't killed any
>ensigns yet; and he's smarter than any of you.
CROW: AND he's got such beautiful hands!
TOM: Chew your food? Don't be afraid of the Klingon? What, now he's
their mommy?
JOEL: He hasn't killed any ensigns yet, but we may just get lucky!
> "Four: pay extra attention to your uniform and personal
>appearance to make sure you're within regulations, because to be
>perfectly honest, I can't tell if you are or not.
TOM: DRESS WARMLY! HE MOVED ON TO DRESS WARMLY!
JOEL: I guess he IS their mommy.
CROW: Maybe the Klingon will kill HIM.
> "And finally, make sure to keep up with your Saku Mandala
>meditations. The Enterprise is the most complex ship ever built,
>and the most rigorously designed along the Mandala's guidelines.
>You'll never need your visualization skills more than here."
CROW: Become ONE with the mud...Become one with the MUD...
TOM: He's Ram Dass, he's their Mother, is there anything Geordi
CAN'T do?
CROW: You mean besides see?
> "Thank you, Commander," says Lt. Duffy. "We'll see the three
>of you here in Engineering first thing tomorrow at the top of
>Alpha Shift. Dismissed."
CROW: YOU GOLDBRICKING DOGFACES! WE'RE GONNA TAKE THAT HILL!
TOM: So, in the future, the military's main duty is to make sure
you get enough to eat, that you wear clean clothes, that you don't
drink the cleaning fluids, that you make friends with Klingons, and
that you meditate?
JOEL: It seems to be the case.
TOM: I think I prefer the Borg.
> "Wow," says Ensign Shipley in the corridor, "Commander LaForge
>doesn't waste any time, does he?"
CROW: Why, I've only known him for five minutes, and he's already
paid me for sexual favors!
JOEL: Crow, you're skating on the edge here...
CROW: THE EDGE IS WHAT I HAVE!
> "You're telling me! Five minutes on the Enterprise and I
>already have Laws 92 through 96."
TOM: I believe those are the statutes regarding Criminal
Negligance...Y'know, letting blind guys steer the ship, letting
blind guys handle HIGHLY VOLATILE ENGINES, things like that...
>Chief Engineer's Log, Stardate 45031.0: Mark start of Alpha Shift.
>First order of the day: staff briefing at the center console
>table.
TOM: I heard the voices again last night...they told me that
everyone is plotting against me...
> "Good morning, Alpha Shift. I trust you slept well."
> No, I didn't. Not a wink.
CROW: FINE, be that way! SEE IF I CARE!
JOEL: I say UP, you say DOWN...
> "The newest crewmembers are in luck. We've gotten new orders
>that are going to require extra manpower, so we're pulling you off
>the diagnostics rotation. Instead, you'll be participating
>directly in the mission.
JOEL: Be sure to wear your red shirts and stand directly in front
of the Captain.
> Lt. Duffy, why don't you give us a rundown of the
>
>mission specs."
TOM: Be as
Consise as you can. Don't
Stop at odd moments.
> "Enterprise has been assigned to do the initial site survey work
>for the Extra-Galaxy Subspace Telescopy Project. As you know, the
>galaxy is enveloped in a cloud of ionized non-accreted particulate
>matter..."
JOEL: Again, EVERYBODY knows that.
>Otherwise known as dust.
CROW: So they're going DUSTING!? That's the whole MISSION!?
JOEL: This is possibly the most boring plot I've ever heard of.
TOM(In Data Voice): Sir, it appears that we are under attack from
Gigantic Ionized non-accreted Paticulate Matter Bunnies.
Or Cosmic Dustbunnies, if you prefer the technical term.
> "...left over from its formation. Althought the cloud
>consists of only a few particles per cubic kilometer,
JOEL: The Dust Devil wet/dry vac STILL can't get it off the rug.
> the total
>electrostatic fields in combination with the gravitational
>distortion make subspace observation of other galaxies very
>difficult- the same phenomena that make subspace sensors useless
>inside a nebula."
TOM: Somewhere out there, Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking are
laughing and saying "You forgot the secondary acclusion law,
you FOOLS!!"
JOEL: I can't believe this...you need a bachelor's degree in
physics to READ this, but someone who failed Expo Writing WROTE it.
> "Not to mention warp engines," says Shipley.
CROW: SHH! They get very testy when you talk about them behind
their backs!
> "Right. That's why starships spend so much time mapping
>interstellar gas anomalies. Run into one of those at high warp and
TOM: You'll be using air freshener all week!
CROW(In Data Voice): Sir, I believe the Klingon just released
another of his Gas Anomalies...
>the field stress tears the ship apart: thus we have the so-called
>Great Barrier keeping us inside the bounds of the galaxy. Our
JOEL: We never get to have any fun!
CROW: "Dear Mr. Kotter, Please let the Enterprise outside the
bounds of the galaxy, signed Epstein's Mother."
>mission is to skirt the edges of the Barrier and map density
>variations in the cloud, with the hope of finding thin patches
>where we can penetrate more deeply.
TOM: And then, with well-lubricated thrusts...
JOEL: Et tu, Servo?
CROW: Tom, you KNOW that filth is my department.
> The Federation ultimately
>hopes to place a remote subspace telescope as far out as can be
>reached to get the best possible picture of the large scale
>structure of the universe."
JOEL: We are confident that, once this has been achieved, we will
finally understand the popularity of MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS.
CROW: THUNDERZORD POWER!
> "What this means," continues LaForge, "is that during this
>mission we're going to be pushing as close to the Barrier as we
>can,
CROW: Giving Tim Allen advice from behind it, kind of a cosmic
Wilson if you will.
> driving the warp engines right to the edge of what they can
>handle.
TOM: AND THAT'S WHY THEY CALLED HIM THE LEADER OF THE PACK!
JOEL: Check out that crazy hot-rod!
CROW: And after that, we'll be heading to the malt shop to scope
out some foxes!
>I'm going to have people personally monitoring the forward
>sensor arrays and the warp shear monitors around the clock.
JOEL: When the clock strikes two, three and four, we're gonna rock
around the clock some more...
ALL: We're gonna rock rock rock till broad daylight, we're gonna
rock around the clock tonight, we're gonna rock all around the
clock tonight...
> It'll be tedious work, but vital. Any sudden increase in particle
>density could mean disaster if it catches us by surprise.
CROW: BOO!
JOEL: AAHH! Oh, it's just you, Particle Density.
> "Oh, and to put a topper on things,
TOM: It's the Ghost and Mrs. Muir!
> the chief scientists of the
>Extra-Galaxy Telescopy team are on board to keep tabs on our
>progress; and undoubtedly they'll be poking around down here
>making
CROW: Our lives a living hell.
>sure things are done to their liking. I'm under orders from
>Captain Picard to remain cheerful and cooperative,
JOEL(In Capt. Picard voice): Your name's Toby now.
> and all of you
>are going to do the same."
TOM: Or there'll be some bodies littering engineering
CROW: Remain cheerful. Nothing to see here.
>Dear Wynonna,
TOM: Wynonna. Brooks & Dunn. Garth Brooks. WYNONNA.
TURN YOUR CRANK TO FRANK!
JOEL: Look out for that Depp guy, he's nuttin but trouble!
TOM: Brooks & Dunn.
CROW: DAVE PIRNER IS EVIL!
TOM: Brooks & Dunn.
JOEL: Okay, enough, Tom.
TOM: Brooks & Dunn.
> Well, I promised to write you a letter after my first full day
>on the Enterprise, so here it is!
TOM: GET OFF MY BACK!
> Maybe now that I'm here Dad will
>let up on his cheerleading for Starfleet and let you concentrate
>on your music.
JOEL: You write the songs that make the whole world sing...
TOM: RAH! RAH! GOOOOOOOO STARFLEET!
CROW: Now dear, don't nudge...
>One of us making it in ought to be enough for him.
>If you're lucky he might even let you forget he named you after
>James Kirk's mother...Gag!
CROW: And his father, Muzzle!
TOM: James Kirk's whole family was named after various
onomatoepoeiaic sounds for purging, ya know.
> Wow, where do I even begin? Me and the other new transfers have
>been thrown right in the middle of things with no ramp time.
JOEL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!
CROW: No damn ramp time. That's inhuman!
>Imagine- after four years at the Academy staring across lab
>benches at Eric Fletcher's bony face, I'm back in the same
>predicament, but this time it's across conduit configuration
>panels on the lowest,
TOM: I'm sensing romance between these two whacky kids.
CROW: Imagine all the people, it's not hard to do...
>darkest engineering deck. Oh well, you know Law 14: the more
>things change, the more they stay the same.
JOEL: Y'know...I don't think she came up with that one herself.
TOM: She's forgotten Law 72: "Always hide your sources."
CROW: Law 57: "No spill blood! No kill!"
> The worst part is that Eric's
>"hero," Prof. Heinrich Engel, is on board leading a special
>research mission.
JOEL: Heinrich Engel _is_ The Last Action Hero.
>So today I had to endure a continuous monologue
>on what a great humanitarian he is, not to mention a revolutionary
>scientist, and reviews of all his books to boot.
TOM: Crummy scientist...the Visitors are our _friends_!
> My new commanding officer is a Lt. Cmdr LaForge.
CROW: Just _a_ Lt. Cmdr LaForge...didn't you hear he comes in six
packs?
>He's very good
JOEL: at messing up.
>of course, but hard to read.
TOM: Of course he has a hard time reading, he's blind.
>He's kind of stiff and uptight...
CROW: Ohhhh no. That way madness lies.
JOEL: Very good, Crow.
>that probably has something to do with the fact that he's blind.
TOM: Jeez, deprive a man of his sight and he gets all uppity...
>He uses one of those VISOR things, I don't know if you've ever
>seen one.
JOEL: Only on blackjack dealers.
>They're supposed to hurt to use, so you don't see them very much.
CROW: But Geordi LIKES the pain.
>But according to Lt. Duffy (a mission specialist here-
>good-looking but kind of a jerk),
TOM: He's a pledge at Gamma Tri Epsilon.
> the fact that he's blind has allowed him to
>become an absolute wizard at the Saku Mandala- no outside
CROW: Tommy, can you hear me?
TOM: Yeah, I can hear you fine.
JOEL: I think that was a WHO reference, Tom.
TOM: I don't know who it was a reference to.
>distractions, after all. Duffy said that back when he was just a
>navigator he would get a few synthehols in him and lead
JOEL(Drunk Voice): Whaddaya MEAN I can't pilot the ship? GIMME THE
KEYS!
CROW: If your friends are driving starships drunk, do whatever it
takes to stop them.
>expeditions through the Jefferies tubes so people could watch the
>plasma discharges. ("Always know something embarrassing about your
>boss."
TOM: Like the fact that he wears Satin Teddies...
>Is that good enough to be a law? I'll have to think about it.) His
CROW: IT'S THE LAW!
TOM: Judge Dredd IS the Law.
>internal visualization was so good that he could predict exactly
>which tube the next discharge would appear in. That's pretty
>amazing. I know I'll be able to learn a lot from him.
JOEL: Boy, sir, do you mind if I kiss up to you?
> How's Mom? You know things between her and me have not always
>been the greatest, but I still wish I could be there during her
>convalescence.
TOM: Is she still wearing the Scarlet Letter?
>She looked so good at the Academy graduation. It's
>amazing the things they can cure these days.
CROW: Why, you'd never know her head had been cut off.
JOEL: It's time to go, guys.
TOM: Remind me to feel bad about that...
0...1...2...3...4...5...6...7
TO BE CONTINUED (Oh yes, there's PLENTY more where this came
from....Not to mention ESSAYS! THERE ARE PHILOSOPHICAL TRACTS TO
COME!)
BADGER
(Posted by Tick)
***************************************************************************
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