MiSTed: "Aborted Abduction?"
mwa...@uoft02.utoledo.edu
it.
<Opening. SOL.>
MIKE: Hello, people, and welcome to the Satellite of LUUUUuuvvvve!
TOM: Uh, Mike, I thought we agreed you weren't going to do that "Satellite of
LUUUUuuvvvve!" thing.
MIKE: But I think it adds character.
CROW: It's stupid!
MIKE: Oh, alright. Well, these are my antagonistic friends Tom Servo and
Crow T. Robot.
TOM: I'm the tall one.
CROW: No you're not.
TOM: Yes I am, you collection of used toaster parts.
CROW: WHAT? You don't know what you're talking about, you worn-out heap of
C-64 motherboards!
<Crow and Tom continue fighting in background>
MIKE: Well, they're usually not like this, but y'see, there were these weird
lights in the sky last night, and they've been a little wacky ever
since.
<In background, Tom and Crow are still fighting>
TOM: Ow! Hey! Knock it off!
CROW: Aw, just put 'em up and fight like a ma--...um, a robot!
TOM: But I *can't*, you overgrown thermostat!
<Foreground>
MIKE: ...Heh, heh, I have to apologize for their behavior. They've already
had their ramchips taken away, and--
<Mads' light flashes>
MIKE: Oh, great. Hey, guys! Zippy and Earnest are calling! <He hits the
button>
<Interior of Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is there, looking slightly worried.>
DR. F: We've got a rather short one for you today, Fox Mulder. A nifty little
post we lifted from alt.paranet.abduct, a group devoted to what happens
when people from other worlds decide to visit Earth, and for no reason
at all <looking around> abduct total losers, usually from the middle of
some obscure desert.
<SOL>
MIKE: Hmm. By the way, Doc, where's Frank?
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Oh, he's, ah, not here. I don't know where he is. Somewhere else. I
think it has something to do with those lights that appeared in the sky
a half hour ago. But don't think this means you're getting out of your
dose of evil alien abduc--
<Frank wanders in, holding a soda can.>
FRANK: Hi, Steve, what's up? <Takes a swig>
DR. F: And just where have you been? Do you know how worried I've been?
FRANK: What? I just went to the refrigerator for a can of Yoo-Hoo. I was
only gone half a minute!
DR. F (to Mike): Well, Hynek, while I figure all of this out, you get to enjoy
this unearthly transmission! Send them the post, Frank!
FRANK: <Shrugs> Okay.
<Lights, sirens, whistles...>
ALL: AAAAAAHHHH!!! The-- <pause>
MIKE: The Evil Alien Abduction sign?
ALL: AAAAAAHHHH!!!
<6.....5.....4.....3.....2.....1>
> From: Michael...@p0.f428.n104.z1.FIDONET.ORG (Michael Corbin)
ALL: Woof! Woof!
> Subject:Aborted Abduction?
CROW: Why am I thinking of Joycelyn Elders?
> Date: 26 Mar 94 01:08:04 GMT
MIKE: GMT?
CROW: Great Mounds o' Trash!
TOM: Greasy, Moldy Turnips!
CROW: Goosing Miss Texas!
> Message-ID:<1169.2...@paranet.FIDONET.ORG>
TOM: Hey, Mike, how do you catch a UFO nut?
MIKE: Uh, I don't know.
TOM: With a Paranet!
> * Forwarded from "Alt.Alien.Visitors"
CROW: That one was really bad, Servo.
> * Originally by Peter E. Farley
> * Originally to All
TOM: Well, wasn't that considerate?
ALL: <Looking warily about> *Too* considerate...
> * Originally dated 17 Mar 1994, 14:31
TOM: * NOW in six million homes!
MIKE: * NOW fortified with ten essential vitamins!
CROW: * NOW with even greater sex appeal!
> From: p...@alert.com (Peter E. Farley)
> Date: 16 Mar 94 22:39:58 GMT
MIKE: The...uh...Gaping...Mouth of...um...TORGO!
TOM: Better luck next time, Nelson.
> Organization: Alert Centre, Inc.
TOM: <British accent> Here at the Alert Centre, we're ALWAYS YELLING!!!
ALL: AAAAAAHH!!!
> Message-ID: <CMs4A...@alert.com>
> Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
> six years ago in a remote northern New Mexico location. Replies, comments or
> questions are welcome.
>
MIKE: You might want to make your next posts a little longer and more
informative.
TOM: I don't think he's done yet, Mike.
MIKE: Oh.
> Background:
CROW: ...A midnight blue field of stars...Soon, a small Rebel ship passes by,
followed by a huge Imperial battle cruiser...
> Location: Questa, NM
CROW: <Singing operatically> Ques-TAAAAH!
TOM: Where millions travel each year to "find themselves".
> Date: About 1988 - Winter
> Time: About 2AM (Friday or Saturday)
MIKE: Take your pick.
> Person: Female - Age 32
CROW: What kind of a parent would name a kid "Female"?
TOM: That joke was way dumber than "Paranet".
> The house where my sister lived is on a dirt road on the side of a mountain
> (alt ~9000 ft)
TOM: ^BQUISNJDFM!!!
MIKE: How'd you do *that*, Tom??
TOM: I just pressed "alt~9000 ft".
MIKE: Here, let me try... ^BQUISNJDFM!!! Aaaah!
> outside of a very small NM town called Questa. She has two
> children, both girls, born 1980 and 1986. Her husband was gone
MIKE: As every good father should be at two in the morning.
> and everybody
> was sleeping since it was 2AM or so.
TOM: I think you might have mentioned that already.
> The house was on an eight acre lot and
> was built of adobe (six rooms).
> Anyway, my sister was awakened at 2AM by a very loud and strange noise
MIKE: Heh, heh...happens to me when I eat too much taco pizza.
> whose
> source seemed to be above the house.
TOM: Actually, it was only Barney on the roof with a bullhorn.
> The noise was described as a combination
> vacuum cleaner and electronic.
CROW: <long pause> ...Electronic *what*??? What is this, a noun shortage?
> She immediately got up from bed
CROW: Tripped on a roller skate in the dark, hit her head, and was knocked
unconscious. Upon waking, her first words were, "Gee, *I'll* help you
find a heart, Tin Man."
> and went
> down to the front door and noticed that the entire house was circled by a blue
> beam which stretched from the house walls to about 20ft out.
MIKE: So is that twenty feet from the house itself, or twenty feet from the
center of the light?
TOM: No, no. Here at the Alert Centre, we spell it "R-E".
CROW: Oh, this is easy! Someone gave Barney a big flashlight!
> My sister and
> her family owned four dogs, three of which were large St. Bernards
TOM: The fourth was a yappy little terrier which was sucked up into the
bowels of the spacecraft for further study.
CROW: I think "bowels" is a neat word. Bowels, bowels, bowels.
> (one of
> which weighed 200 lbs). Whenever, anything
MIKE: I don't know, do you suppose he means *anything*?
> - and I mean anything -
ALL: <Jump in seats>
> disturbed
> the dogs such as
TOM: Seeing Larry "Bud" Melman in a dress.
MIKE: Sucking up ants.
CROW: Getting neutered.
> an animal or person, the dogs would immediately run off in
> the direction of the
CROW: Nearest tree and urinate on it.
> disturbance and bark. However, at that moment, the dogs
> which were clearly in the blue beam of light, where motionless and staring up
> in the sky!
MIKE: Gadzooks!
> My sister was of course confused and frighted and went for a pistol kept in
> house for protection.
CROW: Heh, heh. *Most* folks use condoms!
MIKE: Careful, Crow.
> The noise, blue beam and paralized dogs where in that
> state
TOM: New Mexico?
> for at least 30 minutes while my sister locked herself in the downstairs
> bathroom.
CROW: Where she vomited until her gut was wrenched in knots!
MIKE: Oh, that's just sick, Crow.
TOM: Wait a minute. It took her half an hour to lock herself in the
bathroom?
MIKE: <Minnesota old lady voice> Oh, these newfangled locks are just so hard
to work, don'tcha know.
> After 30 minutes after the start of the incident,
TOM: The Dept. of Redundancy Dept. Task Force for Completing Tasks broke down
the door and took the whole family prisoner.
CROW: In a prison.
MIKE: Don't you think that was a little excessive, guys?
> her husband was making
CROW: Love with his hot European lover.
MIKE: Crow!
> his
> way up the dirt road after a night of drum playing (he is a musician).
MIKE: Oh, thank you, I was wondering. <Rolls eyes>
> I
> should mention that the distance from the main road to the house is about 2.5
> miles.
TOM: Or 4.03 kilometres, here at the Alert Centre!
CROW: Oh, give it a rest already, Servo! We're sick of hearing about your
stupid Alert Centre!
TOM: (snif) But *I* thought it was funny! <begins to cry softly>
MIKE: There. See what you did, Crow?
CROW: <Looking at floor> Sorry.
> The husband happened to look up towards the house and briefly saw a wide blue
> beam of light at the location of his house terminating at a point above the
> house, with the source surrounded by haze or cloud.
CROW: ...Of the type found in this poster's head.
> While staring at this
> strange light,
MIKE: His retinas burned out, and he was blinded. No more music career!
ALL: YAY!!!
> the light suddenly switched off - from the ground up!
CROW: What the heck is *that* supposed to mean?
> The cessation of the blue beam and noise corresponded with what my brother in
> law witnessed.
MIKE: <Dragnet voice> Unfortunately, he didn't have his hand on the Bible
when they swore him in, so he couldn't testify.
>
> --
> Peter Farley
> p...@alert.com/(303)488-7858
>
> --
CROW: What, that's it?!?
MIKE: Yeah, I think so. Come on, guys, let's get out of here.
> Michael Corbin - via ParaNet node 1:104/422
> UUCP: !scicom!paranet!User_Name
> INTERNET: Michael...@p0.f428.n104.z1.FIDONET.ORG
> ======================================================================
> Inquiries regarding ParaNet, or mail directed to Michael Corbin, should
> be sent to: mco...@paranet.org. Or you can phone voice at 303-429-2654/
> Michael Corbin
> Director
> ParaNet Information Services
<1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6>
CROW: So the only thing that happened was that this woman heard a loud noise,
saw a bright light over the house, and locked herself in the bathroom
with a gun?
MIKE: Yup. Don't forget, her musical husband saw the *exact* *same* *thing*
on his way home from whatever smoke-filled booze hall he was playing at.
CROW: Yeah, but my point is, SO WHAT???
MIKE: Well, Crow, I think the best answer to that is: I don't know.
TOM: *I* say it was a helicopter.
MIKE: Yes, Tom, but you also don't believe in the tooth fairy, either, do you?
TOM: I don't have *teeth*!
MIKE: Oh, yeah. Well, anyway, what do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13. Dr. F. and Frank are staring upwards at a bright blue light.>
DR. F: Well...that...wasn't...too bad...now...was it...Nelson?
FRANK: Must...watch...light...
<SOL>
MIKE: Aw, look at the poor shmucks. They're oblivious.
TOM: Wow.
CROW: Check this out, guys...Hey, Forrester! Bite me!
<No reaction from Dr. F or Frank>
CROW: Ha, ha!
MIKE: So, uh, Dr. Forrester, does this mean you're letting us go?
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Whatever...you say...Nelson...I'll...let you...what? What did you say?
There's no *way* I'm letting you go. Nice try, Chuckletrousers! Push
the button, Frank!
FRANK: Must...watch...light...Ow! Hey! <Dr. F slaps Frank several times
across the face.> Okay! You don't have to be so rough!
<Frank hits the button.>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Aaagh! I've been skewered by a hyphen!
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and such are the
property of Best Brains, Inc. and any use of them (the characters) is not
meant to rip them off in any way. This parody is intended completely in jest,
and is not meant to belittle the views of the original poster, except to the
extent that it was obviously a helicopter. Thank you, and have a good day.
Michael Warner
("Mac")
mwa...@uoft02.utoledo.edu
> However, at that moment, the dogs which were clearly in the blue beam of
> light, where motionless and staring up in the sky!
Clay Breshears
writes:
|> Okay, everybody. This is my first try at this, so I hope you have fun with
|> it.
[MiSTing deleted]
Very nicely done, Michael ("Mac"). However, for a more contemporary spin
on things, you should have ended like this...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Aaagh! I've been skewered by a hyphen!
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and such are the
PENN: Next on alt.tv.mst3k, more RAGING controversy on the TOP FIVE
property of Best Brains, Inc. and any use of them (the characters) is not
best MST3K episodes of ALL time, debates on the fate of Kurt Cobain
meant to rip them off in any way. This parody is intended completely in jest,
references and DOZENS of homicidal WHINERS that can't stand these voiceover
and is not meant to belittle the views of the original poster, except to the
announcements. Stay tuned to alt.tv.mst3k. Don't you DARE miss it!
extent that it was obviously a helicopter. Thank you, and have a good day.
Michael Warner
("Mac")
mwa...@uoft02.utoledo.edu
> However, at that moment, the dogs which were clearly in the blue beam of
> light, where motionless and staring up in the sky!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
clay
--
Clay P. Breshears | It's my .signature and I'll cry if I want to,
University of Tennessee | Cry if I want to, cry if I want to,
e-mail: cl...@cs.utk.edu | You would cry, too, if I sent it to you.
mwa...@uoft02.utoledo.edu
PENN: And DON'T MISS our BRAND-NEW, HILARIOUS interview with none
other than the great Ludwig Plutonium himself!!! See what he thinks
about alt.tv.mst3k! Listen to his FIVE FAVORITE MST3K episodes! Hear
his tips on dealing with dishpan hands! So don't miss it, here on
alt.tv.mst3k!!!
Hey! Get him outta here!
-Michael
(Formerly "Mac", now under new management.)