[MiSTed] "Double Vision" (2/4)

[Mike Barklage]

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... *...

[Mike and bots enter the theater]

CROW: Stupid Magic cards...

> From: imast...@aol.com (ImAStinker)

TOM: <Bugs Bunny voice> Ain't I a stinkah?

> Date: 11 Oct 1994 09:06:06 -0400
> Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
> Subject: Double Vision #3

MIKE: Double Vision, three times... by my calculations, that's six visions.

>
> "I was in an accident?" he asked in surprise.

CROW: He doesn't remember the first two parts of this fanfic?
TOM: I've pretty much blocked them out, too.

>
> "You mean...you don't remember?" she questioned, knitting her brows with
> concern.

MIKE: When she's finished, her brows will be a really nice sweater.
CROW: <Minnesota voice> Oh, ya, really lovely.

>
> "No......I......

TOM: GEEZ! ENOUGH WITH THE ELLIPSES ALREADY!
MIKE: There IS such a thing as overkill.

> The last thing I remember is joking with you about the
> "Spooky Patrol."

CROW: Oh, those were the days!

> He stared down at the IV in his right arm and the cast
> on his left, met her eyes, then guiltily averted his as he spoke with a
> resigned sigh. "I've done it again, haven't I?"

TOM: Yup, Kooky, you've done it again! <clown laugh>

>
> "Yes, I'd say that once again youv'e managed to validate the existence of
> modern medical technology," she remarked wryly.

CROW: I don't get it.
MIKE: That's okay, Crow. I don't think anyone got it.

>
> She'd noticed that since he'd awakened, he'd been looking at her oddly,
> squinting his eyes, and occasionally tilting his head as if to see if the
> view of her altered from a different angle.

TOM: Mulder gets hit on the head, and now he thinks he's a pigeon.

> He'd just done it again and
> she raised one eyebrow questioningly in response. "What?" she asked.

MIKE: <as Scully> You're, like, creepin' me out, dude.

>
> "I think something must be wrong with my eyes," he ventured in response,
> "or hospitals have started using black lights or something."

CROW: Oh, wow, man. Groovy.

>
> Walking around the bed, she grabbed an instrument off a tray and expertly
> shone the light in each eye, testing his responses.

TOM: 'Expertly'? How tough is it to shine a light in someone's eyes?

>
> "Everything appears to be normal," she stated factually.

MIKE: 'Cause it was. A fact, that is.

> "Blurred vision
> is not uncommon in cases of head injury...even if the injury is not
> serious."
>
> "But it's not blurry...it's as if you're....."outlined"....

CROW: <Shatner voice> Must... get... to... Engineering...
TOM: <ditto> Spaahhhck!

> like when you
> turn off the TV and you can still see the image on the screen even though
> the picture is gone. It's not around everything." He looked at the
> doctor standing in the hallway..".just "living" things.

TOM: <Groucho voice> Either this man's dead, or his aura's stopped!

> There's a blue
> ring around your whole body,

MIKE: I've heard of ring-around-the-collar. But ring-around-the-body?

> except for your elbow....it's kinda
> red....How did you hurt it?"

CROW: Well, we thought you were dead, and so there was this party, and I
was trying to open a bottle of champagne...

>
> Her mouth dropped open in astonishment. "I twisted it when we were trying
> to move you into the ambulance. How did you know that?"

TOM: I'm Criswell!

>
> His face took on a perplexed expression as he attempted to figure out

MIKE: --how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a
Tootsie Pop.

> exactly how he *did* know that. "I don't know.....I mean, I'm not really
> sure.

CROW: It's, like, stupid, or some junk.

> I just *felt* brief impressions of pain...the "red" felt like
> pain."

TOM: Oh! So it's like a Doans commercial!
MIKE: Yeah, next he'll be seeing little lightning bolts attacking someone's
neck.

> He reached up and rubbed the area between his eyes with his thumb
> and forefinger and shook his head slowly. "Got an aspirin, Scully?

CROW: Or better yet, got any goofballs?

> This
> is giving me a major headache....please tell me it's only temporary."

ALL: It's only temporary.

>
> She squeezed his shoulder gently in sympathy

CROW: OW! My broken collarbone!

> and whispered soothingly, "I
> don't know what it could be so just close your eyes and try to relax and
> I'll get Dr. Weston to order some more tests if it doesn't improve in the
> next hour or so. OK?"

TOM: Oh, okay --
ALL: HUH??
MIKE: See that key to the right of the 'm'? It's a comma. Use it.

>
> "Yeah, sure...." He closed his eyes and drifted into a fitful sleep,
> dreaming dreams he knew he would not remember of a ghost that he was not
> sure existed.

CROW: So he isn't sure he dreamed of a ghost he doesn't remember?
TOM: Now *I'm* getting a headache.

> What was reality anyway, his mind voice asked in this limbo
> state of consciousness?

MIKE: Skittles!

> He did not feel alone in here...he was not
> possessed, but he was sure he was not "alone" either.

CROW: Do the quotation marks give "alone" some special meaning?

> The presence he
> felt was not Evil, or harmful...in fact it was almost.... loving,
> nurturing..

[Crow and Tom rest their heads on Mike]

> in a way, even protective.

[Mike puts his arms around the bots.]

> He heard a familiar voice calling
> him and he fought his way back through the layers of his dreams

[Everyone falls asleep and starts snoring.]

> and
> thoughts to cling to that voice and to draw strength from it's insistence
> that he return. He felt a sting to his face and the pain registered in
> his brain.
>
> "Mulder! Mulder wake up!"

ALL: <waking up> YAH!
CROW: Football practice!

> she yelled in his face and drew back her hand
> to slap him again.

TOM: <as Scully> I've been wanting to do this for over a season now!

>
> His eyelids fluttered and he slowly opened his eyes to see his partner
> getting ready to smack him in the face.

ALL: Yeah! Hit him harder!

> Startled, he asked, "Jesus, what
> did I do?"

CROW: There's that Scully-as-Jesus thing again.

>
> Clearly shaken, she took a deep breath. "You were slipping into a coma
> again...Mulder, every test we've given you says you're the picture of
> health,

TOM: Like Sylvester Stallone on the cover of People?

> yet two minutes ago your brain nearly put up a sign that said
> 'closed for business'."

MIKE: Oh, it did that a *long* time ago.

>
> "I feel fine now," he stated with conviction.

TOM: Fifteen years, without parole.
CROW: Hey! No Craig Charles jokes, okay?

> "I only see the "rings"

MIKE: -- of Terror.

> once in a while and only when I'm thinking about it
> and the headache is gone. Can I get out of here?"

TOM: He just slipped into a coma, and he wants to *leave*?

>
> "My first inclination would be to say *no," but medically, I can't find
> any reason to keep you here.

CROW: Hey... who's talking?

> So I guess you're gonna have to put up with
> me as your second shadow, cause I'm not leaving you alone with a brain
> that may or may not need a jump start if you fall asleep."

MIKE: <as Scully> Where do I hook up the jumper cables?
TOM: Yeah, she just might, too. After all, she's the one who, when Mulder
dropped into a coma, used the highly professional technique of
'slap your patient around for a while.'

>
> "Dana, that's not very practical. You can't be with me 24 hours a day,
> seven days a week and even though I don't get very much of it,

ALL: <clear throat>

> everybody
> has to fall asleep sometime.

ALL: Oh...

> Besides, it's probably just some temporary
> thing that will lessen in time and other than being a little stiff,

MIKE: <gestures towards both bots> Not a word.

> I really *do* feel quite good."

CROW: Except for my broken arm, mild concussion, and my annoying habit
of slipping in and out of comas!

>
> "For Christ sake, Mulder, You just got run over by car, and the hit and
> run driver killed the woman you were trying to save. You can't tell me
> that you feel *good* because I know something about what goes on up here,"
> she poked his forehead with her finger,

TOM: Ow! Stop poking my head wound!

> "and the Mulder I know would be
> blaming himself for everything from not being fast enough to

MIKE: --the JFK assassination.

> not yelling
> loud enough, even though there was nothing that he could have done about
> any of it."

CROW: Well, he *could* have been a little faster, I guess...
TOM: After all, he was close enough to get hit by the car himself.

>
> "I'm really *that* bad, huh?"
>
> "Yes, you really are."

MIKE: I hate the way you sacrifice yourself to save others!

>
> "Maybe you'd be right, if I remembered any of it....I don't.

CROW: <Ronald Reagan voice> Well, I don't recall...

> I'm taking
> your word for it because I trust you and you wouldn't lie to me

TOM: Just keep telling yourself that, Fox.

> but I
> honestly don't know what happened. I will admit to maybe needing a
> couple of aspirin, though."

MIKE: I can't imagine why...

> He arose stiffly from his semi - sitting
> position and swung his long legs carefully over the edge of the bed until
> his feet touched the floor as he impulsively tried to grasped the back of
> the gown with his right hand.

CROW: Geez, I hate those yoga positions. They're just too complicated!

> Well shit,

TOM: That's what you get when some drunken farmer mistakes his water well
for an outhouse.
MIKE: No, no! It's a reference to Welsh toilets!

> why all this sudden concern for
> modesty, he thought oddly.

CROW: Which is, really, the only way Mulder *can* think.

> Dana was the only other person in the room and
> she probably knew his body better than he did.

MIKE: Um... am I missing something here? I thought they never...
CROW: I'm pretty sure they aren't...
TOM: Why does the author think they...

> Some things just didn't
> seem to fit exactly they way they were supposed to....

CROW: You're telling us!

> like a jigsaw puzzle
> when you try to cheat and make the pieces fit. Part of him felt that
> everything was the way it should be and part of him was convinced that he
> should be somewhere else doing something different.

MIKE: Get me OUT of this fanfic!

> Maybe things would
> become less muddled with time...

TOM: Doubtful.

> maybe the fog would leave him and his
> inner vision would clear

CROW: Maybe he needs to put contact lenses on the inside of his eyeball.

> and everything would be hunky dory. Where in the
> hell did that expression come from, he pondered,

MIKE: You just said, er... thought it, remember?
TOM: <singing> 'Cause he's Mr. Short-Term Memoreeee!

> mildly alarmed, for he
> knew it wasn't one of his. "Hunky dory?" he repeated out loud.
>
> "What did you say?"

ALL: Hunky dory!

>
> "Ah....nothing." He wasn't gonna tell her anything until he figured out
> what the hell was going on.

MIKE: How about telling *us* something so *we* can figure out what the
hell is going on!

> Then again, maybe she could help.....but on
> the other hand,

TOM: On the third hand...

> she might figure that he'd finally flipped and call ahead
> for a rubber room reservation and a straight jacket with his name on it.

CROW: You know, on the show he admitted that he thought his sister was
abducted by aliens, plus a whole bunch of other weird stuff.
MIKE: Yeah, if Scully was going to have him committed, she would have
done it, oh, fifteen minutes into the pilot episode.

> "Do I have any clothes here that aren't screwed up beyond recognition?"

TOM: That depends. Were you into the grunge look when you came in?

>
> "I thought you might be needing them if and when you decided to wake up so
> I had someone stop by the office and pick up the extra set you kept
> there."

CROW: He keeps extra clothes at his office?

>
> From: imast...@aol.com (ImAStinker)

MIKE: There's only so many things you can say about that...

> Date: 11 Oct 1994 09:09:02 -0400
> Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
> Subject: Double Vision #4

TOM: We're up to eight visions!

>
> "I'm so lucky that you're so efficient," he replied with a lopsided grin.

CROW: His grin promptly fell off his face and shattered on the floor.

> "Can you take this thing out of my arm?" he asked, raising his arm with IV
> dangling.

MIKE: Eww, he's got ivy growing out of his arm?

>
> "I can't," she said regretfully. " The attending physician has to order it
> and I'm *not* the attending physician."

TOM: But I play one on TV.

>
> "Fine, Guess I'll have to do it myself."

CROW: If you want something *stupid* done right, ya gotta do it yourself.

> He reached over and yanked on
> the tube, pulling it free and sending a small trickle of blood down his
> arm. Seeing his own blood suddenly made him nauseous.

MIKE: "Better than average" IQ, huh?

> Oh, you're a real
> macho kinda guy aren't you, Mulder, he though briefly before he threw up
> on the floor.

TOM: This guy makes Beavis and Butthead look like Rhodes Scholars.
CROW: Tom Rhodes, the Fall Guy?
TOM: Um, no.

> Pale-faced and slightly shaken he glanced at Scully from
> beneath his thick lashes

MIKE: He's been using Revlon.

> and panting, asked, "Can you at least give me a
> band aide?"

CROW: It's going to take more than a Band-Aid to clean *that* up!

>
> "I suppose I could do *that,*" she replied with a smirk. She took a small
> gauze pad, placed it on his arm, and taped it down.

TOM: We'll just let a lowly intern clean up that puke.

>
> "Thanks Doc, Now, could you please spring me from this joint, huh
> copper?"

MIKE: You'll never take me alive, coppahs!

>
> "I'll see what I can do."
>
> Dana paid the taxi driver and helped Mulder out of the car. Personally,
> she thought he should've stayed in the hospital...

CROW: But nobody would have paid attention to her, she being a *doctor*
and all.

> at least overnight but
> his stubborn pigheadedness won out

TOM: What stubborn pigheadedness? She never put up a fight!

> and here she was Mulder-sitting,

MIKE: <as Scully> And only $4 an hour! What a gyp!

> not
> that she minded...it was just that for once, she wished that he'd stop
> swimming upstream and do what was in his best interest. So much for pipe
> dreams.

[Mike clamps Crow's mouth shut, then lets go.]

>
> "Well that's a whole potentially fabulous day all shot to hell,"

CROW: Dammit, I hate it when I get hit by a car and slip into a coma! It
really bugs me!

> he
> scowled regretfully, as they walked through the now emptying parking
> garage. "No Reticulans or slimy mutants today, damn."

TOM: Reticulans?
MIKE: Republicans?
CROW: Romulans?

>
> "Relax, I 'm sure there'll still be some hanging around tomorrow...."

CROW: Sure! Just go to a session of Congress!
TOM: D'oh!

>
> "Nah, it won't be the same...besides, tomorrow is reserved for annoying
> the MIB and the Bureau Assistant Director..."

MIKE: My, Mulder, what a full life you must lead.

>
> "I didn't know you had to reserve a time for that...seems to me like you
> achieve that goal on a fairly regular basis."

TOM: Fairly Regular -- a gentle laxative.

> One corner of her mouth
> crooked up in a crafty smile.

CROW: Oh, you are *so* sly...

>
> "Well, at least I'm consistent."

MIKE: Like oatmeal.

>
> They arrived at their car just in time to see Henderson

TOM: ...trying to hide Bigfoot in her car!
CROW: No! No "Harry and the Hendersons" jokes!

> fumbling with a
> stack of files, trying to get her car key into the door lock.

MIKE: Ah, the plight of the minor character.

>
> "Hey Henderson, ever think about applying to Ringling Brothers for a
> juggler position? I hear they'd don't pay all that well, but the perks are
> good." He winked at her and smiled.

TOM: <falsetto laugh, then under his breath> Dickweed.

>
> "Shut up, Mulder....unless you want a cast on the other arm too.

ALL: <cheer>

> By the
> way, how are you feeling? Heard you took quite a tumble today..."

CROW: Yeah, the car won two out of three falls.

>
> "Feelin' good enough to hassle you....allow me."

MIKE: ...to hassle her?
TOM: It seems to be what he does best.

> He took the key from her
> hand, inserted it into the lock and immediately felt as though he'd been
> electrocuted.

CROW: Wow! That's some burglar alarm!

> Stumbling backward into the Taurus that was parked
> alongside,

TOM: Like from "Dr. Who"?
MIKE: No, no, that's a Tardis.

> he gasped for air as a sharp pain singed his brain and unbidden
> images flashed through his mind.

CROW: That's what happens when *I* watch MTV, also.

> Images of blood, twisted wreckage, an
> Henderson....unmoving and staring lifelessly back at him.

TOM: Oh, his dental work is picking up the local news.

> He had the
> impression of sliding helplessly and being unable to stop

MIKE: Jane! Stop this crazy thing!

> as a loud
> explosion and flash of light engulfed him. Then it was over and he leaned
> trembling and pallid against the car.

CROW: What a rush! Those were the best shrooms I've ever had!

>
> "Mulder! What happened? Are you all right?" Scully grabbed his arm as his
> knees buckled and he slid down the car to the pavement. "I knew I should
> have left you in the hospital," she grumbled,

TOM: THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU?!

> chastising herself

MIKE: <as Scully> I'm a baaaaad girl.
CROW: Oh, yes...

> as she
> took his vitals

TOM: His vital organs?
MIKE: No, Scully, you can only do that *after* he's dead!

> and gently pulled up his eyelids to check his pupils.

CROW: There was a substitute teacher, so they were pretty rowdy.

>
> "Is he OK?" Henderson asked worriedly.
>
> "I think so, but he's going back to the hospital...this is *not* normal

TOM: Is that your "expert" medical opinion?

> and this time they better find out what it is," she said with
> determination.
>
> "No," he garbled defiantly.

MIKE: How do you garble defiantly?

> "It's not that...Henderson, don't drive that
> car. There's something wrong with the car,....get it checked.

CROW: <garbling> Change... the oil.

> Don't ask
> me how I know, I just do.

TOM: I'm Criswell!

> Take a cab, have Dana drive you, but don't get
> in *that* car."

MIKE: Hmm... does this remind anyone else of Stephen King's _The Dead Zone_?
CROW: Shame on you, Stinky Girl!

> He grabbed the door handle and

TOM: --it shocked him again! Mulder never learns!

> stood up shakily as the
> color began to return to his face. Henderson made an attempt to take the
> key from his hand

CROW: Gimme back my car key, you freak!

> so he hauled back and threw the damn thing as far as he
> could, which was pretty damn far....

TOM: Damn it.

> there were some advantages to playing
> right field after all, he thought with some satisfaction.

MIKE: Like never having the ball hit to you.
CROW: <Adam Sandler voice> Oh, please, don't let them hit it to me!

>
> Dana drove Henderson home and called for the motor pool

TOM: ...where the cars were soaking in the water, relaxing.

> to inspect the car
> as Mulder had insisted and then drove him to his apartment.

MIKE: Scully's Taxi Service!

> She followed
> him inside with an air of determination for he was hiding something from
> her.

CROW: All right, dammit, were did you hide the fudgesicles?

> She was sure of it and that bothered her to no end since she felt
> closer to him than any other human being on earth, with maybe, the
> exception of her mother.

TOM: Um... is this a whole weird area?
MIKE: It's been a weird area since this fanfic began.

> She took consolation in the fact that Fox Mulder
> was perhaps the most inept liar in the entire universe

CROW: ...with the exception of Bill Clinton.

> and at least she
> could tell when he'd been less than truthful. In this case however, he'd
> not actually lied to her about anything but he had kept something from her
> which in her book was equally annoying.

MIKE: So, Mulder's just annoying the hell out of everyone in this story?
CROW: Yup, including us.

> I t hurt her feelings to think
> that he might not trust her and it was time for a confrontation, she
> reasoned.

TOM: <Scully> Mulder, we are here to talk to you about your drinking
problem...

> She was ready to back him into a corner because she knew that
> if she pressured him for answers, he'd eventually spill his guts...

CROW: He already did that all over the hospital floor.

> he
> always did. They both knew it...sometimes the whole procedure seemed
> almost like a ritual.

MIKE: What with the animal sacrifices and all.

> He just had this aggravating habit

TOM: Annoying, aggravating... he's doing it all!

> of trying to
> figure out everything for himself first before letting her in on whatever
> was going on at the time.

CROW: It's called "thinking." Try it sometime.

> Perhaps he still felt the need to be able to
> prove things to her....

MIKE: <kid's voice> Look, Dana, no hands!

> whatever the reason he was going to tell her what
> was going on with him and he was going to tell her *now*.
>
> She slammed the door to the room with a bang and stood with her hands
> planted firmly on her hips.

TOM: <sternly> Where have you been, young man?

>
> He took one look at the stance and the expression on her face and knew he
> was in deep shit and wasn't gonna walk away from this one without drawing
> some flies in the process.

CROW: My, what a charming metaphor.
MIKE: Now this swearing is just getting gratuitous.

> So what could he really tell her? What did he
> really know?

TOM: Does John really love Marsha?
CROW: And what of Ken's long lost son, Really?

> He didn't know much, that's for sure

MIKE: Heh.

> but he had the
> overwhelming feeling that he was going to have to tell her what he did
> know even though it sounded bizarre even to him.

TOM: Come on, admit it. You like to wear angora sweaters.

>
> "So?" she inquired in a demanding tone.
>
> "So...what?" He replied rather non committally.

CROW: These two are terrific conversationalists!

>
> "What's going on with you, Mulder? You nearly collapsed in the parking
> garage and started babbling

MIKE: -- like Abian on a roll.

> about something being wrong with the car and
> to top it off you sent Henderson's key on a one way trip to oblivion.

TOM: Come on, he threw it maybe ten feet.

> Now, I may concede that you might not know exactly what's happening but
> you could at least let me in on what you *do* know."
>
> He stood for several minutes, indecisive,

MIKE: "Several minutes"?! What, did they just stand there looking at each
other for a while?

> weighing the believability
> quotient against what he thought she might except

MIKE: I take exception to that!

> and concluded that

TOM: E=MCHammer.

> if he
> were Scully, he'd have a difficult time believing him.

CROW: And so he decided to quit the Debate Team right there.

> Maybe his brain
> finally* had* turned to sawdust and he needed to make an appointment with
> the Wizard to ask for a new one. Something clicked in his
> head...

MIKE: He was playing Russian Roulette.

> something to do with the Wizard of OZ....There's no place like
> home, he thought....a woman had told him that...

TOM: Judy Garland?

> ....

CROW: *Again* with the ellipses!

> the woman in the
> crowd.....she was....killed, his fault...he was too slow.

MIKE: This whole fanfic reminds me of a Kirk monologue.

> But he'd never
> spoken to her so how could she have told him that? ....You can not
> come.....it's not your time......don't leave me here alone....I will be
> with you...

TOM: ...always.
MIKE: <Luke voice> Ben? Ben Kenobi?

> Oh my God,

CROW: Mulder...

> Jesus Christ,

CROW: ...and Scully! Ha ha!

> he remembered, he remembered it all.
> She'd died and he'd been vulnerable, his mind open and receptive. She
> said she was physic.

MIKE: I hate Physics majors!

> Could what he'd been experiencing have been her
> visions, her abilities...or could they have been something that had lain
> dormant within himself?

TOM: Read the book!

>
> Dana watched anxiously as her partner's composure and perhaps even his
> sanity appeared to unravel before her eyes. His facial expression went
> from one of indecision, to puzzlement, to recognition,

CROW: ...to nauseous...
MIKE: ...to intensely concentrated...
TOM: ...to relaxed!
ALL: Ewwwwwww!

> and finally to one
> of near panic in a matter of minutes.

CROW: And she just stood there the whole time.

> He finally collapsed onto the couch

MIKE: Ohhhh... was it good for you, too?

> and bent over with his face in his hands. She crossed the room quietly,
> sat down beside him and noticing the tears that dripped silently to the
> floor, took him gently in her arms and held him until he was ready to talk
> to her.

TOM: Wow! She did about five things in that sentence alone!

>
> He brought his head up slowly and wiped his eyes with the back of his
> hand. "I remember, Dana...I remember it all."

CROW: You... me... that whole stupid conversation we had at the beginning
of the fanfic...

>
> "It wasn't your fault," she said with compassion.

MIKE: ...and a side of fries.

>
> "No, you don't understand," he stammered with a look that said he dreaded
> what he was going to say and knowing that he was compelled to tell her
> anyway.

TOM: Wow, all that with one look?
CROW: <Minn. voice> Oh, ya, that David Duchovny is such a good actor.
TOM: <ditto> Oh, ya.

>
> He told her everything that he remembered

MIKE: I hope this doesn't mean we have to sit through the first part of
this fanfic again.
TOM&CROW: NOOOO!!!

> as well as what he saw in the
> episodes

CROW: Double Vision, parts 1 thru 3.

> containing the impressions and visions and although she listened
> intently, he was not entirely certain that she didn't think he'd lost it
> completely.

TOM: <as Scully> Geez, you get hit on the head, and suddenly you believe
in *ghosts* and *psychic powers*! Why can't you just
stick with something normal, like tracking down aliens?

>
> "Dana, I've never been precognitive or telepathic or any of those
> things...at least I've never admitted to any of them.

CROW: So... you're saying you *are* telepathic?

> Maybe I've been
> intuitive upon occasion but as far as I know, I've never had visions
> before.

MIKE: Unless you count the one with Kathy Ireland, a huge tub of vanilla
pudding, and a llama.

> What other explanation is there? Please, I want to hear one...I
> need to hear one. I have this feeling that there's something I'm supposed
> to do and I just can't seem to figure out what it is, except that it's
> important."
>

TOM: Well, I know what *we're* supposed to do. Let's get out of here, guys.

[Mike picks up Tom and they leave.]

*... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...

[Crow is the only one on the bridge of the SOL. He is ironing his sensible
brown pants.]

CROW: <singing/humming> Hum dum da de de... hua hua! Hum dum da de de...
hua hua!

[From off-screen, there is an engine rumbling getting louder and louder.
Suddenly, Tom, driving his little race car, comes speeding in. He hits
Crow head on and comes to a screeching halt.]

CROW: <scream> AAAIIIIGH!

[Crow flys off of Tom's car bumper and sails off-screen. A huge crash is
heard. Tom turns off his car.]

TOM: Oops, sorry, Crow! Didn't see you there! <pause> Crow?
MIKE: <from offscreen> Oh, no! Crow!

[Mike comes in carrying a limp Crow. He sets the robot on the table.]

MIKE: Tom! Do you know what happened to Crow?
TOM: <clears throat> Um... nope, not a clue.
MIKE: We gotta revive him somehow! What do I do?
TOM: Gee, Mike, I don't know. Um... try slapping him around a little.
MIKE: Well, okay.

[Mike hauls off and gives Crow a few good smacks to the beak.]

MIKE: Come on, Crow! Wake up!
TOM: You've never given up on anything else before! Well, maybe once in a
while. But this time, LIVE, DAMMIT, LIVE!!!

[Crow finally wakes up, and Mike stops slapping him. Crow coughs weakly
and looks around.]

CROW: Wha happa?
MIKE: I don't know! I just found you in a coma like that!
CROW: Oh. Well, I'm fine now. Could you help me off the table?

[Mike grabs Crow's hand to help him off the table. Suddenly, they both
recoil as if they've been electrocuted. They just stand there, holding
each other's hands, frozen.]

CROW: <Christopher Walken voice> Don't go to hockey practice. You will
fall through the ice and die.

[Mike lets go of Crow's hand.]

MIKE: What? I don't have hockey practice. What was that all about?
TOM: Here, let me try.

[Tom "reaches" over and touches Crow. They also recoil and are frozen.]

CROW: <C.W. voice> You will be elected president. You will go insane and
start a nuclear war.
TOM: Hey, that's pretty cool.
MIKE: Crow, you're scaring me. What's going on?

[Crow turns to face Cambot.]

CROW: I... don't know!

[Movie sign buzzers and lights go off. The guys jump around and stuff.]

ALL: AH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!

[They exit the bridge.]