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Misted:Karen McCoy-A Letter (1/6)

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Cory Mccasland

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Feb 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM2/1/98
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MYSTERY USENET THEATRE 3000
"An Open Letter To The Fans- By Karen McCoy"
Misting by Cory McCasland
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
The short of it is-Karen McCoy is a woman who apparently has
some team working on a Doctor Who animated series. She made
a lot of claims (Harlan Ellison being intrested, for example), which
were debunked by several fans, chief among them the fan she calls
"web terrorist". The following is her very rambling letter accusing web
terrorist of everything from harrassing and stalking her to creating
some grand conspiracy to stop her from her life long goal. I also
tried something different with this Misting, so please tell me if it
worked or fell flat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------

(theme, door sequence)

(Deep 13. The lights are down, and Pearl is asleep on the couch,
occasionally mumbling in her sleep. Dr. Forrester is nowhere to
be seen. A loud groaning and wheezing sound begins to fill the
room. Slowly, a blue Police Box fades into existence. After a few
seconds, the door opens and a long haired, strikingly handsome
man in a fancy jacket steps out. After locking the door, he takes
time to examine his surroundings)

Doctor: Where am I now? Shouldn't have taken that left turn at
Albequerque. (sniffs the air, crinkles his nose) Ugh, smells like
Adric's room.

(The Doctor notices Pearl on the couch. Walking over, he leans over
to take a closer look.)

Doctor: Roseanne?

(Suddenly, Pearl's arm shoots out and grabs the Doctor in a choke
hold, squeezing him to her chest)

Pearl (mumbling, stroking the Doctor's hair with her free hand): Oh,
Fabio! I knew we were meant for each other! Your hair is so soft,
your nose is so...big? (Pearl wakes up, and seeing the Doctor,
screams) Intruder!!!

Doctor (squeezing out of Pearl's grip): Zodin?

(Pearl, in a light blue nightie, jumps up and slugs the Doctor)

Doctor (falling to the ground, knocked unconscious): Grace...?

Pearl: CLAYTON! Get in here this minute!

(Dr. Forrester runs in, in green jammies)

Dr. F: Mother, what happened?

Pearl (pointing to the Doctor's unconscious body): That's what
happened! This animal had his hands all over me!

(Dr. F leans down and takes a closer look at the Doctor)

Dr. F: Well, he doesn't look like he would harm a fly. In fact,
he reminds me of...

(Dr. F's eyes bug out, and he quickly jumps up and runs off
screen. When he comes back, he's holding a poster of the
Doctor standing in front of his TARDIS. Looking down at the
Doctor, he does another double take, then looks around and
spots the TARDIS. Running over to it, he does yet another
double take, and then starts dancing one of his weird jigs)

Pearl: What are you so happy about? This man attacked me!

Dr. F (runs back over and points to the Doctor's still inert body):
Don't you know who that is, Mom? This is the Doctor, and that
(pointing to the Police Box) is the TARDIS! Do you know what
this means?

Pearl: That those rec.arts.drwho posts are finally getting to you?

Dr. F: No! With that machine, I can get rid of those spineless
wimps up there and take over the world!

Pearl: Sounds good, but only if we go back and save Frank.

Dr. F: But mother...

Pearl: CLAYTON!

Dr. F (defeatedly): I suppose. But, (pointing to the Doctor) we
need to do something about *him*. Wait, I know...

(cut to SOL-room is darkened and quiet, when sirens start blaring.
Mike, in bathrobe, comes running in, while Tom and Crow come
running from opposite directions and smack into each other)

Mike (looking around): What in Lenin's ghost is happening!

Servo (whisking up from the floor): I think Chris and Roz are
calling.

Crow (finally getting up off the floor): Isn't she dead?

(Mike hits the button)

(Deep 13-Dr. F, now in his lab-coat, is smiling triumphantly)

Dr. F: Did I disturb your sleep? Well, too bad, because that's the
last good sleep you'll ever get!

(SOL)

Mike (confused): *What* are you talking about?!

(Deep 13-Dr. F points over to TARDIS)

Dr. F: That is my ticket to world domination! So, I don't need
you proles anymore! Mother, throw the Time Loser into the
Umbilicus!

Pearl (off screen): Away you go, pretty boy!

(SOL)

Mike: What the...Time Loser?

Crow (whispering to Servo behind Mike's back): You know,
that box looked awfully familiar.

Servo (whispering back): Yeah, for some reason I keep thinking
of scantily clad screaming women.

(They are interupted when the Doctor is shot out from the Umbilicus,
crumbling to the floor, mumbling)

Crow: Whoah! Is that who I think it is?

Servo: Couldn't be! (both disappear behind counter)

Mike: Hey guys, what's all this about? (follows the bots down, as
Cambot adjusts and zooms in on the three examining the Doctor)

Crow: Big nose, long hair...

Servo: Fancy clothes ripped off from a locker...

Mike: What are you guys talking about?

Crow: Mike, you should really watch something besides Star Trek.
Listen to his hearts!

(Mike puts his ear to the Doctor's chest, and lets out a gasp of
surprise)

Mike (lifting his head): No, it couldn't be!

(The Doctor starts coming to. He looks at Mike, Crow, and Servo)

Doctor: Turlogh? K-9? Kamelion?

Servo: You must be K-9, Crow.

Crow: Yeah, well at least he didn't mistake me for a cheap hatstand!

(Doctor pulls himself up to his feet, takes a look around)

Doctor: Where am I? Who...

Servo (floating up, interupting): If the next word's out of you mouth
are "am I?!", I'll shoot you back down the umbilicus!

Doctor: I know who I am, I just want to know who the hell all
of you are!

Crow: Tsk, tsk! First he kisses a woman, now he's cussing! What
would your mother say?

Doctor: My mother was a gentic Loom.

Servo: I thought she was human?

Mike: Let's not start that again. I'm Mike Nelson, this is Tom Servo,
and the gold one is Crow.

Servo: Hey, where's Gypsy?

(Gypsy enters)

Gypsy: Hey guys, what was that ruckus? (sees the Doctor) Oh, my...
(faints)

Doctor: What was that about?

Crow: I think she has a crush on you. She has tons of posters of
you in her room.

Doctor: Where could she have found posters of me?

Servo: From your show, where else?

Doctor (confused look): I have a show?

(light starts flashing)

Mike: We'll explain in a second. Davros and the Rani are calling.

Doctor: Really?

Crow: And this is the guy who saves the universe everyday?

(Deep 13-Dr. F is trying to jimmy open the TARDIS doors with a coat
hanger, while Pearl looks on with an exasperated look)

Pearl: Clayton, why didn't you just steal the key from him?

Dr. F: Because Mother, whenever I rifled through his pockets I only
found apple cores and...(notices monitor) Oh, right. Well, I suppose
I'll have to keep you four busy while I carry out my plan.

(SOL)

Doctor: You can't go gallavanting through time and space! Do you
know what kind of damage you could do?

(Deep 13-Dr. F comes closer to the screen)

Dr. F: I don't care! I'm *evil*! Now, since this will be your last
experiment
before I reshape time and space in my image, and as you have an
out-of-work celebrity on board, I'll send you a little piece of
insanity
from one Karen McCoy, "An Open Letter to the Fans". Enjoy! (runs
back to the TARDIS and starts ramming the door with his shoulder)

(light's begin flashing)

Doctor: What do I do?

Mike: Go into the theatre! I'll figure something out!

Servo and Crow: WE GOT RANT SIGN!!!

(MIke pushes button and shoves Doctor in direction of theatre)

(6...5...4...3...2...*)

(Doctor walks in, carrying Servo, while Crow explains what they do
and how Gypsy has posters of the Doctor)

Doctor: So my series was cancelled? And then Fox did a movie?
Crow: Pretty much. But I wouldn't recommend talking to your fans.
Servo: You'll see why in a second.

>>An Open Letter To The Fans

Crow: Also open to flames.

>> - By Karen McCoy

Servo: No relation to Sylvester, thankfully.

>>------------------------------------------------------------------------


Doctor: What does that mean?
Servo: You know, for a Time Lord, you really don't know that much
about computers.
Doctor: Well, I have better things to do than argue if there can be
black Vulcans.

>>Dear Fans,

Crow: I am not insane! I just need my medication.

>>We have a web terrorist in our midst.

Servo: His name is John _-_ Winston.

>> Now, the reason
I can't
>> say this
>>terrorist's name is because

Doctor: I base all my rants on a flimsy ideal of reality.

>> the web terrorist has just
issued a
>> threat
>>against the proprietor of Visions '97

Crow: If you let her into the convention, I'll sic a Drashig on you!

>> that will get him
in trouble
>> if I
>>mention web terrorist by name. But we all know who it is, don't
>> we?

Doctor: The Master!
Servo: Davros!
Crow: Mary Whitehouse!
(Doctor let's out a violent scream)

>>Web terrorist, whom I shall refer to in this document as "web
>>terrorist",

Crow: So she shall refer to the person as Web Terrorist?
Servo: No, "web terrorist".
Doctor: A "web terrorist" must be a Zarbi on a bad day.

>> sent a communiqué

Servo (snotty British voice): Just got this communique from
McCoy, sir.
Crow (similar voice): Tell her to bugger off!

>> to Bob McLaughlin, the
>> proprietor of
>>Visions '97 on 19 November 1997,

Servo: Oooh, she's using *British* dating!

>> warning him that
web
>> terrorist has
>>placed a court injunction

Doctor: I doubt an injunction from Judge Judy counts.

>> against him "preventing Karen
McCoy
>> from
>>speaking at Visions '97" and threatening him with arrest "if Karen
>> McCoy
>>mentions my name."

Crow: Or that I'm a member of the Paul McGann Estrogen Brigade.
Servo: Notice how she selectivly quotes?

>> So now Bob is scared to death.

Servo: Because I have his number and I know where he lives.

>>
His
>> convention
>>has been threatened.

Doctor: His manhood has been threatened.

>> The fans and their enjoyment have been
threatened.

Crow: The chance to see me show my storyboards that make Hanna
Barbara look like Disney has been threatened.

>>

>> The
>>way for fans to hear the facts about their favorite show has been
>>threatened.

Doctor: The chance for fans to throw annoraks at me has been
threatened.

>> And not by Karen McCoy, that sinister, evil, harassing

>>stalker you've all heard about. No way.

Crow (Bob Dole): Karen McCoy is not a stalker.

>>This threat was issued by web terrorist.

Servo: Not the Web, not the WB, but web terrorist.

>>You can't place an injunction against somebody's appearance or
>> prevent
>>them from saying anything.

Crow: Unless they're *cukoo*!

>> The First Amendment of the
>> Constitution of
>>the United States was designed to protect us from that kind of thing,

Doctor: Actually, Ben Franklin got drunk one night and he
admitted it was a little joke between him and Jefferson.

>>and there it stands, protecting our freedoms

Servo:Yep, there it stands.
Crow: Just standing.
Doctor: And protecting.

>> --
particularly the one
>>about freedom of speech . So here we have a lone web terrorist

Servo: The Lone Web Terrorist! (starts doing the William Tell overture)
Crow: One good thing about all of this is that it's stopped the
arguements over whether the CD-ROM game is canon.

>>

>> who wants
>>to

Crow: Rub her butt in a giant pile of pudding! Whoo-hoo!

>> suppress something. Web terrorist has written letters to
>>ain't-it-cool news

Servo: Thus detracting from the usual reports on how much Superman
Lives is going to suck.

>> and to lots of other people and spent a lot
of time
>>"dissing" Karen McCoy,

Doctor (bad homey voice): Don' be dissin' my homegirl, dog!
Servo: I hope the TARDIS never takes you to South Central. You'll
be dead quicker than you were in San Francisco!

>> and seems hell-bent on making
enough
>> noise to
>>cover up something.

Crow: Instead of the usual weather balloon explanation.
Doctor: Actually, two Sontarans tried God's yellow dip.

>> To do this, web terrorist wants to paint
Karen
>> McCoy
>>as some kind of psycho.

Crow (snobby art voice): Hmmmm, which goes better with a psycho?
Bloody red, or pink polka-dots?.

>>Well, you know? I am a psycho. I am a stalker, I am a sociopath,

Servo: I'm a cheating liar, I am naked terror, I hurt, I wound, I'm a
fatal
error!

>>

>> I am
>>the BIGGEST LIAR WHO HAS EVER WALKED THE EARTH

Doctor: Agh! I'm blind!
Crow: You'll get used to it.

>>

>> , and despite obviously
>>knowing enough people in L.A.

Servo: I don't think Tom Cruise's maid counts.

>> to get into studios web
terrorist will
>>never walk through the gates of,

Crow: Oh come on! There's always the Universal Studio's tour!

>> I, Karen McCoy,

Doctor: Do solemnly swear that I am in control of all my faculties.

>>
am fatally
>>obsessed
>>with one lone person and am out to destroy this person's life,

Crow: Janet Fielding for not returning my calls!

>>
have
>>taken time out to telephone JUST THEM, harass JUST THEM,

Crow: Depants JUST THEM.
Servo: Snicker-snag JUST THEM.
Doctor: Embarass at work JUST THEM.

>>
and
>> stalk and
>>defame JUST THEM. I am just SOOOOO OBSESSED with this
>> person.

Servo: You said it, not us.

>>I'm in love with them

Crow: Ahhh, I'm sure web terrorist is touched.

>> and they have something I obviously want,

Servo: Missing scenes to The Daemons showing the Master
kissing the Brigadier full on the lips.

>>

>> since I have
>>spent so much time trying to reach them, trying to phone them,
>> and
>>trying to get them fired.

Crow: And only succeeding in making Francis Farmer look like the
poster child for sanity compared to you.

>> Poor, poor web terrorist.

Doctor: Poor, poor us.

>>
Karen McCoy
>> is Satan
>>Himself, isn't she?

Crow: Oh, so now you're confused about your gender?

>> Why won't she just leave this poor fan
alone?

Doctor: Why won't you leave us all alone!
Crow (whispering to Servo): Think he's cracking?
Servo (whispering back): He can handle Daleks, I'm sure he'll
survive a ranting maniac.
Crow (still whispering): Two ram chips say he he can't.
Servo (whispering again): You're on!

>>Meanwhile, back in reality,

Doctor: Obviously something you'll never know about.

>> however, neither I nor any of
my team

Servo: Little Billy, Aunt Petunia, my dog Sparky...

>>

>> care
>>enough about this person to have planned to mention them at the
>>convention anyway.

Crow: We prefer instead to focus on my script, "The Terrorifing Beast
of Wakka-ja-Wakka Square".

>> More than anything else, Karen McCoy is
the
>> woman who
>>resigned from Area 9

(all break out in uncontrolable laughter)
Doctor: Does this mean I can say I *resigned* from the Time Lords?

>> because they gave personal information
about
>> her to
>>web terrorist,

Crow: I bet she had a hard time explaining where those nude JPEG's of
Matt Damon came from.

>> who was pretending to be a media journalist,

Servo: When she said her name was Trish Tilby is when it fell apart.

>>
and
>> Karen is
>>a person who really just wishes web terrorist would get obsessed with
>>somebody else

Crow: Hey, I bet Vanilla Ice would appreciate the attention!
(Doctor starts hyperventilating)

>> and simply leave her alone.

Doctor: LEAVE *US* ALONE! (screams and runs out of theater)
Crow: That's two ramchips. Fork 'em over.
Servo: I would, if my arms worked! Let's go check on the Time Baby.

(*...2...3...4...5...6...)

(Tom and Crow enter room)

Crow: Hey, Doc, where are you?

(They stop and hear someone sobbing silently. They look over in the
corner beneath the hexfield, and see the Doctor curled in a fetal
posistion, sucking on his thumb)

Servo: Oh, come on, Doctor! It's not that bad!

Crow: Yeah, we've seen much worse!

Doctor: You don't understand! It's everything! I find myself in a hole
in the ground, I nearly get strangled, then I'm decked by a woman
who would make a Yeti run in terror, and then a guy who looks
like a tall skunk shoots me up here and takes my TARDIS!

Servo: Well, when you put it that way...

Crow: But those are small, compared to what you deal with everyday!
I mean, when the Time Lords banished you to Earth, did you crawl
into the TARDIS and die?

Doctor: No, but it took the Brigadier and Liz a few days to sober me
up after I drowned my sorrows in Romulan Ale.

Servo: Don't worry about anything. Mike will save your TARDIS and
then everything will be all right.

Doctor (gets to his feet): Well, I guess I'll have deal with it. (picks
up
letter off counter) What's this?

Servo (leans over, reading): Dear Doctor and Bots, Am trying to get
back the TARDIS from Dr. and Mother Forrester, Will call when I've
succeeded. Love, Mike.

Doctor: Well, that makes me feel a little better!

Crow: Yeah, but that "Love, Mike" makes me queasy.

(sirens)

Servo & Crow: TALENTLESS KOOK SIGN!!!

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