MiSTed: The Grays' Involvement In National Security
Steve Brinich
Theater 3000, already in progress:>
<SOL -- Mike and the bots are standing next to a device with a large
hopper which started life as a paper recycling bin at one end and a
newspaper-vending box at the other.
Mike: You remember the Crichtonograph I invented a few weeks ago?
Dr F: Yes, yes, that contraption for writing books -- a ream of paper
goes in one end, a novel comes out the other.
Mike: Well, this invention is a variation on that principle, for
newspapers.
The problem with following the news is that there's so much of
it that it's difficult to keep track of what's important and what's
not. My Prioritizing Publisher takes care of that by reshuffling
the contents of the newspapers dumped in here <indicates the recycling
bin end> and producing logically ordered and relevant news here
<indicates the vending box end>.
Tom: We'll demonstrate with a selection of newspapers from the past
week. Observe!
<Mike dumps the newspapers into the bin. Sounds of paper shredding,
splindling, folding, mutilating, etc are heard, after which a
newspaper appears in the vending box. Mike opens the box and
holds up the newspaper.>
Mike: Put the front page on still store, Cambot. There -- as you
can see, the front page of this edition has stories about the
President's trip to Russia, the decision by Ukraine to dismantle
its nuclear arsenal, etc.
Crow: What about the Lorena Bobbitt trial?
Mike: That's... that's... <leafing through paper> on page 59.
Crow: Where? I don't see... Oh, there in the lower right corner.
Mike: Now there's something the world needs, right?
<DEEP 13>
Dr F: Yes, the world needs that -- just like it needs another local
community access cable channel with an audience of five, counting
household pets! Now _my_ invention is something with mass market
appeal!
Frank: What's that, Steve?
Dr F: Oddly enough, my invention also cuts up newspapers and puts the
pieces back together. But it doesn't use some goody-two-shoes standard
of what's "important" in the world. No, what _my_ invention does
is tie together news stories to produce interesting combinations.
Frank, show these poor sods the real value of newsprint shuffling.
<Frank wheels out a device that looks similar to Mike's, except that this
one has recycling bins at both ends. He dumps a pile of newspapers
into one bin and starts the machine. After a moment, a newspaper drops
into the other bin. Dr Forrester picks up this paper.>
Dr F: See this headline?
Mike: "UKRANIAN NUKES STOLEN BY SPACE ALIENS"?
Dr F: Yes, that one. The Free-Associatron combined that bone-dry story
about Ukranian nuclear disarmament with a minor human-interest piece
about a UFO sighting near Kiev, and put two and two together.
Tom: And got seven.
Crow: Automated yellow journalism. What a great scientific advance.
Dr F: Say what you like. I'm in too good a mood to be offended; after
all, I'm going to get rich from the supermarket tabloid royalties
alone!
Mike: Then you're retiring?
Dr F: Don't get your hopes up, boobie. Just to keep my day job going
until the Weekly World News signs that check, I have your experiment
all lined up. Frank!
<Frank pushes the transmission button. On the SOL, the theater light and
alarm go off.>
Mike: We got posting sign!
G....6....5....4....3....2....G
>In article <2i2gb6$m...@donal.dorsai.org> rema...@dorsai.dorsai.org
>(Richard Mallinson) writes:
Crow: On a napkin, in orange crayon.
>One thing that the NSA will not reveal
Mike: Is what "NSA" stands for.
Tom: Oh, come on! Everybody knows it stands for "No Such Agency!"
> is the magnitude of their
>advancement in theoretical mathematics and cryptography.
Tom: Huh?
Mike: "Theoretical mathematics" means number problems so hard that
nobody knows how to solve them. "Cryptography" means scrambling
information so that nobody else can read it.
Crow: These guys must have designed the 1040 form!
> It is
>estimated that the NSA is about 200 years ahead of the rest of the
>world
Tom: Naah, the reason the calendars at the NSA say "2194" is because
they're in code, too.
> in mathematical theory. This not only allows them to break any
>code devised outside of the NSA,
Crow: By the use of RADAR!
> but to devise codes which cannot be
>broken.
Mike: Enemy spies will just have to do it the hard way, and seduce
embassy guards.
>A tiny part of this advancement is due to an intensive mathematics
>research program commenced in the 1960s.
Tom: The "new math".
> Fermat's Last Theorem was
>proven conclusively in 1964, but only those in the NSA know of it.
Tom: And, boy, are they going to be _mad_ now that he's gone and
told everybody else!
Crow: Yeah, but who told _him_?
>Some 2,000 theorems and lemmas,
Mike: Our tax money is going to fund lemons?!
Tom: Relax, Mike, he said _lemmas_, not _lemons_.
Mike: What's that?
<Mike and the bots exchange bemused glances>
> all numbered and classified, have
>arisen. At least a dozen branches of theoretical mathematics such as
>flag theory,
Tom: We need some fancy mathematical theory for the _flag_?
Mike: That's why the NSA is 200 years ahead of everybody else;
they've been working on this stuff ever since Betsy Ross.
> superspace theory, interstice theory, match theory
Crow: Match theory?? You rub it against the black stripe, it lights.
What more do you need to know?
> and
>quantum logic have been developed,
Mike: How about quantum ILlogic?
Tom: What do you call this stuff?
> and yet not only has the outside
>world never heard of them,
Tom: Except for one looney toon on Usenet.
> but the NSA has been deliberately inserting
>disinformation into textbooks, research papers, et cetera to keep
>everybody else off the trail.
Mike: _That_ must be why my math textbooks never made any sense! It's
all government disinformation designed to confuse people!
Crow: Well, we already know from the last post that trigonometry is
a tool of Satan....
>Most of this advancement has been achieved with outside help.
Tom: Oh, so they couldn't even deceive the American people honestly.
They had to cheat by using outside help!
> In 1973,
>during the Nixon Administration,
Crow: Watergate was the very least of their crimes....
> the NSA hooked up fith the Jason
>Society,
Mike: There's a whole _society_ of them??
Tom: Of course. One dies at the end of the movie; the next one
picks up the hockey mask and chainsaw for the sequel.
> the top-secret body that liaises with the extraterrestrial
>beings known as the Grays.
Crow: Why do I get the feeling that what we've read so far is going
to turn out to be the _sane and rational_ part?
> This gave them an immediate infusion of
Tom: Alien spores.
Mike: <dreamy voice> I understand now.... Everything the government
does is for my own good.
>mathematical theory, as the grays have developed mathematics to a
>level which we cannot completely comprehend.
Crow: This post sounds like something we cannot completely comprehend.
Tom: Well, that proves it!
> In return, the grays were
>given two more bases in New Mexico
Mike: Geez, what a raw deal. I would have held out for someplace
like Hawaii.
> and a 15% increase in the number of
Crow: First-round NFL draft picks.
>people that they may abduct per year for analysis
Tom: The guy who wrote this stuff could use some analysis.
> and extraction of
Crow: Their precious bodily fluids!
>vital fluids.
All: HEY!
>The Grays have renegged on their abduction quota agreement,
Mike: These Grays can't be trusted to keep their end of a corrupt
secret deal. It's enough to ruin your faith in human nature.
Tom: Ahhh, this isn't exactly _human_ nature we're talking about....
> and are
>abducting many more people than before.
Crow: The aliens got greedy, just like everybody else in the 1980s.
Tom: <imitating Bill Clinton> Alien abductions increased to an
all-time high during the Reagan-Bush years.
> Most of these are returned,
Crow: Oh, well, it's OK then.
>after being implanted with a device which allows the grays to have
>total control over their thoughts and actions.
Mike: A portable radio that only picks up Rush Limbaugh.
> Approximately 40% of
>Americans now carry one of these devices,
Tom: According to the latest Gallup Poll.
> which are impossible to
>remove without killing the host.
>Richard E. Mallinson
Crow: Richard E. Mallinson is the host?
Tom: So, it's not his fault he wrote this tripe -- it's the fault of
the implanted mind-control device.
Crow: Which must be defective!
<They wait a moment, then realize that it's the end of the post>
Mike: Well, that's it.
G....6....5....4....3....2....G
<SOL -- Mike and the bots are standing around the load pan bay>
Crow: Gee, that post sounded like a story that would come out of
the Mads' latest gadget.
Mike: Hmmm.... I wonder how that all worked out.
Magic Voice: I have a signal from Deep 13. They are preparing another
test.
Mike: OK, let's watch.
<DEEP 13 -- TV's Frank is loading miscellaneous papers: newspapers,
looseleaf sheets, typewritten pages, a few books, etc. into the
Free-Associatron. He starts it up, and it begins to grind away.>
<Dr. Forrester enters from stage left>
Dr. F: Frank! Have you seen the notes for my autobiography?
Frank: Where's the last place you saw them?
Dr F: They were right over there on that shelf <points>.
<Frank looks at where Dr. F is pointing. A sudden look of dismay mixed
with fear crosses his face, unseen by Dr. F>
Dr F: Ah, well, they'll turn up.
<A stack of newspapers pops into the output bin of the Free-Associatron>
Dr F: I see that Test Two of the Associatron is complete. Frank,
read the front-page headline on this one. <hands Frank the top
paper of the output stack>
<Frank glances at the paper, and gasps>
Dr F: What's wrong with you?? <Grabs paper from Frank> Let's see
here:
"IRAN-CONTRA REPORT IMPLICATES GIZOMONIC INSTITUTE"
"FORRESTER WEATHER-CONTROL INVENTION FAILS, CAUSES BLIZZARD"
"DEFICIT, S&L SCANDAL TRACED TO 'MAD SCIENTIST OF WALL STREET'"
Dr F: WHAT?!?
Frank: Well... I must've... I dumped your autobiography notes in with the
other stuff I fed to the Free-Associatron....
Dr F: Do you realize what this MEANS!? There's so much about me in the
guts of the Free-Associatron that every scandalous story it puts
together from now on will embarrass ME!! I'll never be able to make
a nickel from this!
Frank: I suppose this means you're going to want to strangle me?
Dr F: Of course not.
Frank: That's good....
Dr F: It means I am _going_ to strangle you! Right after you push
the button....
<A forlorn-looking Frank pushes the button>
Frank: <voiceover> AAAGGGGgggg....
MiSTing by Steve Brinich
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