MiSTing: "A Comment from Apparently the Most 'Annoying' Man on the BBS" [1/1]
Matthew R Blackwell
"A comment from apparently the most 'annoying' man on the BBS."
By Captain ToraZiyal'sacutie
MiSTing by Matt Blackwell
[Season 9 Opening]
[The scene opens on the Bridge of the Satellite of Love. Mike, Tom
and Crow are arrayed around the console upon which sits a map
covered with colorful cardboard counters. Mike looks up.]
Mike: Oh hi everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike
Nelson, a former temp worker who's been kidnapped by Mad
scientists and forced to watch bad movies as part of an
insidious plan to take over the world...
Tom: Mike, it's your turn.
Mike: Okay, just a sec. Right now, my robot companions are trying
to teach me how to play a game.
Crow: Mike, will you hurry up and go?
Mike: All right already. [Pause] Okay, explain this to me again.
Tom: Sigh. One more time. This game represents a hypothetical
war between the Western Allies, played by me, and the evil
Eastern Bloc, played by Crow-schev over there.
Crow: We will bury you, Imperialist scum!
Mike: And I'm playing...?
Tom: Zaire.
Crow: Yep.
Tom: We'll be hard pressed to stop your onslaught.
Mike: Right. Now, those stacks of blue pieces are Tom's?
Tom: Correct.
Mike: And Crow controls that mass of red counters?
Crow: The Soviet Horde will crush you all! Ha-ha-ha!
Mike: And I have this one green counter.
Tom: But it's a really powerful piece!
Crow: Tom and I will be giving Zaire a wide berth to avoid
incurring its wrath.
Mike: <mumbling> I get the feeling that I'm being set up for
something here. [Mike stares intently at something
on the map.] Um, is this South Vietnam over here?
Crow: Yeah. It's an old game.
Mike: So, the other guy played this then?
Tom: <chuckle> No, he'd never be caught dead playing something
like this.
Mike: Then one of you two owned it?
Crow: Nah.
Tom: It's not mine either.
Mike: <puzzled> Where'd it come from then?
Crow: It's probably one of Keith's.
Mike: Who's Keith?
Tom: He was the tenant on the SoL before Doctor F. decided to
use it for his experiments.
Mike: Tenant?
Crow: Doctor F. rented out the SoL as an apartment for some
extra pocket money.
Mike: That's a long commute.
Tom: Well, Keith's six pack had a few empties, if you get my drift.
Crow: Are we going to talk or are we going to play?
Mike: Sorry. [Mike stares at the map for a moment.] I guess that
I'll move my counter.
Tom: You can't.
Mike: Why not?
Crow: Rule 23.1.12: A unit representing a non-aligned power, that
means you Mike, can not initiate movement on an odd numbered
day of the week if the owner of the piece is wearing pants,
unless the 'domino effect' effect is underway.
Tom: Wait, didn't they errata that in S+T #32?
Crow: No, you're thinking of rule 23.1.22. That dealt with the
interaction of the Swiss Guard with the Soviet Red Band.
Tom: No, that's rule 17.18.42. 23.1.22 was the "roll on table
#43A when a US general piece enters Las Vegas hex to see
what the gambling losses were."
Crow: Hold on, does "the piece's owner" mean the person
controlling that side or does it mean Keith?
Tom: I think it means Keith. I've got his number around here
somewhere...
Mike: Guys, I'm not wearing any pants. I've got a jumpsuit,
remember?
Crow: <smacks his head> Oh that's right. You still can't move
though.
Mike: Why not?
Tom: You haven't filled out the environmental impact form yet.
Crow: It's in the rules. Rule 45.17.193: Before each piece is
moved, an environmental impact form must be filled out.
Tom: Be sure to fill it out in pen. Rule 84.7.6 says that any
form filled out in pencil is invalid.
Crow: Except the tax form you'll need to fill out during the
income tax phase. Rule 6.8.32.
Mike: Oh man. [Mike begins to fill out the form. After a moment
he looks up at his cohorts.] Guys, how long does this
take to play?
Crow: Well, there's one game that started in 1972 that's up to
turn three already.
Tom: But those wimps are playing the basic game. We're using
*all* the rules.
[Mike sighs then notices that the mads light is flashing.]
Mike: Thank goodness. [He reaches for the light.]
Crow: Hold it! Rule 35.19.123: A player must fill out the
"hitting the mads light" form before hitting the light.
Mike: Geez. Gypsy? You're not playing; can you hit the light?
Tom: Actually, there's a rule for that too...
Mike: Oh never mind. [Mike hits the light.]
Crow: Hey!
Tom: Mike, if you're going to cheat, why should we even bother
playing with you?
Mike: Hush.
[Castle Forrester]
[The Observer is alone in the room. He seems rather exasperated.]
Observer: Greetings Michael. And a good day to you also,
automatons.
[SoL]
Mike: Hey Observer. Where's Pearl and Bobo?
[Castle Forrester]
Observer: I'm afraid that they're unavailable today. Apparently
there's some sort of motion picture marathon being
shown on a cable network that they're watching. I
believe there is a bit of nostalgia involved, somehow.
[SoL]
Mike: A movie marathon? They did it! They finally, really did it!
[The bots chime in with a bored monotone.]
All: Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
[Castle Forrester]
Observer: Michael, if you're done repeating your little catch
phrases, I'll tell you about the subject today. It's
entitled " A comment from apparently the most 'annoying'
man on the BBS." It's a bit of a rant, involving, well,
I'm not quite sure what it involves, but the speaker
seems to be quite aggravated about the subject Enjoy.
[SoL]
Crow: Rule 62.18.3a: If an outside participant forces the players
to read rants posted on an "Internet" then....
Mike: Never mind that! We've got rant sign!
[Mike hits the light, and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[The trio enters and sits.]
Mike: They put in a rule for people trapped on a Satellite and
forced to watch bad movies?
Tom: It's a very comprehensive game, Mike.
>
> A comment from apparently the most "annoying" man on the BBS.HT.
> ... Captain ToraZiyal'sacutie ... [9/ 3/98 11:32]
>
> Approximately 10 hours ago,
Crow: Forces under my command entered the capital, intending to fight
the evil El Presidente. Since then, his check has cleared, and
I am proud to announce our support for our illustrious leader.
Viva El Presidente!
> I joined in a very heated debate
> concerning the questionable pricing practices implemented by
> Decipher in the EFC product offering.
Tom: That means "I whined a bit about high prices" to we English
speakers.
> Although the "argument",
> as some called it, was by far one of the most heated to ever
> exist on the BBS,
Mike: Neglecting the "Kirk/Picard" flamewar of '94.
Tom: Or the "PC/Mac" flamewar of April '96.
Crow: Or the vicious Great "nu-cle-ar/nuke-lar" flamewar of June
95.
> I must say that I am appalled at the general
> consensus of the BBS,
Tom: How can you possibly advocate wearing white shoes after Labor
Day? <mumbling> Philistines.
> upon waking up this morning.
Mike: I got out of bed, then I ran a comb across my head.
> Opening my
> e-mail account not only was I assaulted with over 25 messages
Crow: Two of them were offering me mail-order Russian Brides. Three
offers to "Make Money Fast", and the other 20 were from a Mr.
Steven B, who was just babbling about random things.
> from those inhabiting the BBS board,
Mike: Er, so electronic entities were sending him e-mails?
Tom: ToraZiyal'sacutie stars in "Neuromancer '98!"
> but I was also made aware
> that many of the posts, created by myself on the bulletin board,
> were heavily answered.
Crow: Which is kind of the point of having a bulletin board, after
all.
> Instead of discovering logical opposition
> to the points that had been expressed by myself and others
> within the environment, I was deluged in comments demanding my
> silence.
Tom: So, I instantly decided to be as loud as possible, just to annoy
you complainers.
Mike: My neighbors used to do that when I complained about their
stereo.
> Although I do not consider myself a "romantic",
Crow: ...I was a big fan of Loverboy.
> I do admit that
> I was HEAVILY fervent in my attempts to alter the opinion of
> Warren Holland and his employees.
Tom: Who?
Crow: I think that's the guy who did "Werewolves of London."
Tom: Ahh.
> To my dismay, however, polite
> responses were not offered, but, instead, questions concerning
> my maturity, work experience, age and even my intelligence were
> brought into question.
Mike: Sounds like a job interview.
> Throughout the debates I had attempted to
> remain a polite speaker,
Crow: Granted, I was tempted to hit Mr. Buckley after he started
clucking like a chicken, but I refrained from responding to
that little piece of s... Oops. Sorry.
> voicing the reservations of many who
> were not able or willing to express their views concerning the
> new EFC pricing.
Tom: Top Ten Reasons why Hitler invaded Poland: #3: He was voicing the
reservations of those not able or willing to express their views
concerning the new EFC pricing.
> I, under no circumstances, resorted to any
> immature behavior of any kind
Mike: Okay, I did finger-paint a bit, but that's a legitimate art
form!
> and, apparently my only sin being
> an excess of posts,
Tom: A slight excess of posts. Oh, all right! I tried to mail bomb
the place! But that's a matter between me and my family, Mr.
Starr!
> at no time disrespected any of the BBS
> inhabitants OR Warren Holland and his staff.
Crow: A staff? What does werewolf-boy need with a staff?
Mike: Maybe he's a prophet as well as a songwriter.
Crow: Oh, okay.
> I comprehend that
> an organization such as Decipher is complex and requires time to
> find options to the problems presented yesterday.
Tom: But come on, 24 hours is surely enough time to end hunger in the
world and fix the Y2K problem! I mean, geez, you people are just
goldbricking here!
> I also know
> that "one can catch more bees with honey than vinegar".
Mike: And you lead an aardvark to water, but you can't make it drink.
Crow: Or when life gives you lemons, make ginger ale.
Tom: Well, those who can do, those who can't don't.
> However,
> to return and find so many comments against my posts leads me to
> two conclusions:
>
Mike: Number One: I am convinced that there is a vast conspiracy
at work trying to convince me that there *is* actually
a city of Lexington, Kentucky even though every sane person
knows that this is not the case. Two: Somewhere, there is
a penguin with my name on it.
> 1. Most of those who retorted with a weak: "but i'll still buy
> them anyways",
Mike: ...should be commended for your support of our capitalist
system.
Tom: Only through your support can this nation's INDUSTRY!
continue on its prosperous course!
> should not assume to correct me on my views,
Crow: As I'm correct, of course.
> simply because through the exposition of this feeble little
> "disclaimer" you've given Decipher the green light to progress
> against customer wishes.
Tom: Flogging is just too good for you little simpletons!
> If those of you who argued, felt that
> the point was moot and that the product would be purchased,
> regardless of pricing, you should not have contacted me or any
> others, in any way, to enlist within the "cause".
>
Tom: Apparently, these people *are* trying to overthrow El Presidente.
Crow: I can attempt to convince you of things, but don't you dare
to do likewise!
> 2. Many of those who listed themselves, showed sentiment, or
> simply asked to be added, retracted their comments and some were
> even rude about any accidental(or not so accidental)
> additions.
Mike: Petition fraud. Your key to success in the political world.
> (i'm not naming any names)
Crow: How about Madeline Albright?
Tom: Meshach Taylor.
Mike: Philip Glass.
Crow: John Philips Sousa.
Tom: Nick Polatta.
Mike: Ian Trout.
Crow: Isiah Thomas.
Tom: Jan Michael-Vincent.
Mike: And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.
> If you are not serious about
> your views, you should NOT ask to be included in any petitions.
Tom: So, now will you sign my petition to stop petitions?
> By now you must realize that in my e-mail I received over a
> dozen(literally) e-mails,
Mike: Twenty five *is* more than a dozen.
> ranging from the blatantly rude to the
> sublime, some even by ppl ASKING to be added to the lists!
Crow: I'd thought that my acerbic nature would have surely driven
away any potential supporters.
> Not
> only is this outrageous but also coniving and disrespectful.
Crow: And the daimyo is demanding that you commit seppuku for your
dishonorable actions.
> If
> you e-mail someone to be added to a petition, be sure that you
> are not liable to change your mind.
Tom: Unless you're a woman, in which case it's your prerogative.
> Should you then change your
> mind, make certain that you ask the holder of the petition,
> POLITELY, to "please remove your name".
Mike: At that point, I'll then add your e-mail address to our
"confirmed customer" list, which I can sell to other bulk
e-mailers for a higher amount...
Crow: Mike, we're not doing a spam piece right now.
Mike: Sorry. Force of habit.
> Demands to be added and
> then retracted are immature, rude and give a negative view of
> the cross-section of Decipher's consumers.
Mike: Now, we don't want the people complaining to be perceived as
complainers, do we?
> If any of your names were added "against your will", such as
> many of you claimed, you have my most heartfelt apologies and
> rest-assured such a situtation will not happen again.
Tom: After all, your names are already on the petition. Why would I
need to add them to it again?
> However,
> it is important that those "wrong listed" realize that upon
> inspection of the letter, sent by myself, to Warren Holland,
Crow: There's that name again.
Mike: Who is Warren Holland?
Tom: It's probably a pseudonym for "John Gault."
> at
> no time does the phrases "anti-EFC" or "destroy,
> dismantle...etc. EFC" surface.
Tom: After all, I had the much better phrase "EFC should be burned
and its ashes scattered to the four winds" to rely upon.
Mike: Have we determined what EFC is yet?
Crow: I think it stands for "Claratin."
> This is because much like other
> BBS persona, I am NOT "anti-EFC".
Crow: Senator, I am not, nor have a ever been "anti-EFC."
> Consequently, many of those
> concerned with the letter actually never read it and
> respectfully I suggest to them:
>
Crow: I've found that "Bite me" works quite well in these situations.
> "All posts should be read and examined, THOROUGHLY,
Tom: And all information in those posts should be REPRODUCED and
DISSEMINATION of that IMPORTANT INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED.
> before any
> comments are made, derrogatory or otherwise.
Mike: Whoops.
Crow: Relax. I'm sure that the Observer read this before sending
it to us. We're covered.
> (yes Garak, I DID
> receive your apology and thank you for being one of the few
> polite "BBS'ers")
>
Mike: Polite BBS'ers. There's an oxymoron.
> Again, you can imagine my dismay when I noticed that some
> e-mails did not concern addition or retraction of a name within
> a petition but,
Tom: ...contained a tasty nougat. Yum.
> instead, were simple, hurtful insults.
Crow: You lazy people! Couldn't you have come up with some complex,
hurtful insults?
> At least
> 5 of such messages were received and although I am not aware of
> who sent them(at least 3 sources), I am appalled that Decipher's
> customers would stoop to such an immature level as "name
> calling".
Tom: Name calling is beneath you, you immature people, you.
> I was simply expressing my views, which I have a right
> to do AND mobilizing others who felt the same way.
Mike: That way, instead of just me annoying you about this, you'd have
a whole bunch of people annoying you.
> I did nothing
> wrong except maybe talk to much;).
Crow: He's ADMITTING that he's wasting bandwidth?
Mike: Bad move.
Tom: It was nice knowing you, ToraZiyal'sacutie.
Crow: The bandwidth cops will tear him to shreds.
> But then, how many of us
> can't be accused of doing that at one time or another in our
> lives.
Mike: Cambot's pretty quiet.
[The scene bobs up and down as Cambot nods.]
Crow: And Marcel Marceau.
> The final 10 messages or so dealt with comments from players who
> believe that Decipher should be placed on a pedistal.
Mike: Still others argued that Decipher was much too large to fit on a
pedestal, and should instead be placed on some sort of
foundation.
> For the
> sake of maintaining ALL of our collective(no pun intended)
> sanities, I'll skip these individuals by simply recapping the 3
> strongest opposition's comments:
>
Mike: i.e., the three arguments that I can attack most easily.
> 1. Decipher is out for $, after all it is a business.
>
Crow: They must be using a different business model than most of the
airlines are.
> I agree entirely, and as an MBA student I believe that the NI
All: Ni! Ni!
> for Decipher should be VERY important to them. However,
Mike: ...I don't work for them, so I want stuff as inexpensive as
possible.
> excessive price increases on their products will place a strain
> on their customers and yield to consumer alienation.
Tom: Or it might result in employees being able to afford those new
Beemers that they have their eyes on.
Crow: Supporting the price increase will help keep the foundering
luxury car industries of Europe and Japan afloat!
Mike: Isn't a measly price increase worth forestalling a global
economic collapse? Think about it, won't you?
> Additionally, not all companies charge the most they can get for
> their products because they realize that they can earn more
> through a lower price.
Tom: These companies are known as the unsuccessful companies.
> Examples: Publix grocery stores deales in
> bulk and, although their markup is almost non-existent, they
> sell enough to do more than allright.
Crow: Hmm. Never heard of them.
Mike: Crow, we are in space. You don't find many grocery stores up
here.
> Yet another example is
> Honda, the Japanese auto-manufacturer, who charges comparable
> prices for some of the best-made cars on the planet.
Mike: And a "my car's better than your car" flamewar is spawned.
> They also
> succeed through greater sales.
Crow: I guess that the accountant was right when he said, "So what if
we lose a few cents per sale? We'll make it up in volume!"
> Many of you say that Decipher
> should raise the price if they get away with it,
Tom: o/~ Getting away with it...o/~
> but if any of
> you have taken marketing(by the sound of the opposition, very
> FEW),
Mike: The "if you don't agree with me, you don't have all the
information" line of debate rears its head.
Crow: It's nice that he's not being insulting, isn't it?
> you'd realize that public relations, product and
> organizational image can be as important to the success of a
> product as an ad on TV!
Tom: And those of you who haven't studied marketing obviously
don't know that pleasing me is the key to any company's success.
> The fact of the matter is Decipher is
> blatant in its price goring and, consequently, will have a much
> harder time assuaging consumers(hence the hot debate).
>
Mike: Hot girls. Hot debate. Only on 1-900-555-MSNBC.
> 2. Decipher is a complex organization and cannot make changes,
Mike: They used that line a lot back at the temp agency .
Tom: That's nice.
Mike: "Can I get my paycheck more often than once every six weeks?"
I'd ask. They'd say "We're a complex organization and can't
make changes."
Crow: We don't care, Mike.
Mike: I think that they were just too lazy to cut the checks. But I
had a plan to get even with them. <mumbling> Oh yes, I did.
Crow: [To Tom] Should we?
Tom: [To Crow] Nah. Just let his fantasies run wild.
> we must adapt to the cycles and wallet of D.
Crow: Heavy D?
Tom: No. this is just normal weight D.
> Excuse me while I chuckle at the sheer preposterous implications
> of this comment.
Tom: Standard debate tactic #14: When your opponent has a point,
chuckle condescendingly.
Crow: It doesn't work too well in print, does it?
> Decipher doesn't make the rules. WE DO.
Crow: I was fairly certain that businesses do in fact make their
own rules.
Tom: Unless they're ISO 9001 compliant.
> Decipher's job is to ascertain pricing and product differentials
> that satisfy the consumer wants, while simultaneously solving
> its own fiscal problems.
Crow: Ooh. Someone opened their textbooks for this one.
> If Decipher does not conduct this
> research or analysis effectively, we are still not liable to buy
> their product.
Tom: Unless they're holding your sister at gunpoint, of course.
Mike: Oh yes, they'll pay.
Crow: Sigh. Tom? Will you do the honors?
Tom: Sure. [To Mike.] Mike? Calista Flockheart's asking for you...
[Mike bolts upright.]
Mike: Flockheart? For me? Where is she?
Crow: Oooh. She just left. Tough break Mike.
Mike: Oh well, she'll be back. She's been here four times this week
already.
Tom: Yes Mike.
> We buy what we want
Mike: Are we riffing a Pop-Tarts ad now?
Crow: No. It's still the same guy whining about who knows what.
> and if Decipher feels that we
> should cater to them, they are mistaken.
Tom: Businesses exist solely for my own convenience.
> Which brings me to the
> last, most popular(and logically FLAWED)stmt.:
>
Crow: Sleeping with a White House Intern is none of the country's
business?
Mike: Crow, ix-nay on the inton-clay eferences-ray.
> 3. If you don't like it don't buy it.
Mike: Wow. Look at the big gaping logic flaws in that statement.
> Perhaps the most ignorrant and mule-headed comment I've ever
> heard on the BBS, to date.
Crow: Except for that "Waterworld II would be great!" comment.
Mike: And remember, I'm being polite and mature about all of my
comments.
> Decipher depends on the "veteran mkt"
> for a primary portion of its earnings.
Tom: The veteran market, and loan sharking. That's where their money
comes from.
> As I've said before(but
> since everyone just talks and insults without listening,
Mike: Pot, kettle....
> noone
> prob'ly knows)it is in the best interest of Decipher(not
> ours!..THEIRS!) to maintain the market they are currently
> offending.
Crow: Me, in other words. I buy lots of your stuff, whatever it is.
Tom: I think that "ToraZiyal'sacutie" might be a pseudonym for
Al Franken.
> If we do what Decipher's little "defenders" suggest,
Mike: Still no insults, I see.
Crow: Valkyrie, Angel, and Dr. Strange ask all of you to help
Decipher in all of its endeavors.
> it will certainly spell the doom of the "big D"
Crow: Actually, Dunkelzahn is already dead.
> or, at least,
> the end of ST CCG.
Mike: Saint Theresa's Counting Crows Group?
> This is not up in question.
Crow: Is this a question?
> This is a fact.
Tom: This is not a rebel song. This is Sunday, Bloody Sunday!
> So what do you do when you have more than half your market angry
> at your pricing?
Mike: You shrug and say that someone's using hyperbole?
> a. Tell them tough. Like it or lump it?
Crow: Well, that is Microsoft's business strategy...
> (only if you're mentally
> deficient or desiring the sensation of bankruptcy)
>
Tom: Yep, I know more about your company than you stupid employees do.
> b. Attempt to LISTEN to your consumers, assess their fears,
> CHANGE and attempt to discover an alternative?(hint: RIGHT
> ANSWER)
>
Tom: Nope. No condensing tone there.
Crow: How about c. Find the person whining about this and hire some
thugs to beat him to a pulp? It may not help your sales, but
it's rather satisfying.
> I understand that much of what you coin: "Decipher-bashing"
> occurs on the net,
Crow: And probably in this post too.
> however, I also believe that an organization
> must be made aware of its mistakes in order to develop and
> progress.
Mike: You may not recognize the mistakes, as you're immature, ignorant
fools, so I'll just point them out to you.
> To do anything else would be a diservice to Decipher
> and its continued well-being. EFC's price is too high.
Tom: The price of EFC is eternal vigilance.
> Period.
Tom: Question Mark?
Mike: Comma,
Crow: Colon:
> Additionally, to all those that felt that insults, harrassment
> and generally rude behavior was necessary
Mike: You'll all have bright futures as employees of the DNC.
> (probably because
> ignorance never likes to be questioned),
[The trio begins to cough rather loudly.]
> don't worry, I've
> learned my lesson. I will no longer post on the BBS.
Crow: I might write some words, and send them electronically to the
BBS, but I won't post there.
> Although I
> had always considered myself a good customer to Decipher and,
Mike: I provided researchers countless hours of work as they
attempted to figure me out.
> therefore, a highly participative "BBS'er", I am truly
> dissappointed with the recent behavior exhibited within the
> board. I am not a glutton for punishment or fond of hypocrisy.
Crow: I'm not going to bother on this one.
> I
> do this, not to achieve a response
Tom: Sure. I write a long piece of text and post it in a public forum
expecting not to get a response all of the time.
Mike: Actually, that's fairly true in our case.
Crow: Feedback! We need feedback! Pleeeease!
> (you're not my friends, per
> se, so your opinion of my worth is irrelevant),
Mike: But my opinion or your worth is something that you should pay
close attention to.
> but to hopefully
> engender some understanding that a fundamental bias exists on
> the board and that it must be changed.
Crow: And that's why I proposed a "board studies" course. Hopefully,
study will help our society get beyond this board-o-phobia.
> One thing is for certain,
> my continued status is completely up to Decipher.
Mike: Will they put him up for free agency? Will they trade him to
the Padres to shore up their infield? Tune in tomorrow, for
more "Sports Center."
> Let's hope they make the right choices.
>
Tom: They're going to invade Indochina, I just know it.
> Thanks to all who were polite and respecful in their agreements,
> oppositions or otherwise. YOU guys mad the BBS worthwhile.
>
Tom: Mad about the BBS. Tuesdays at 8:00. Only on Must See TV.
> As for the rest of you, the disrespectful, ignorant and
> all-around hypocritical individuals
Mike: And I'm still not being insulting. Nope. Not me.
> (you know who you are and if
> you emailed or insulted), I truly hope you adopt my next piece
> of advice:
>
Crow: Get an IRA. When you retire, you'll thank me.
> GROW UP.
>
Crow: Hrmph. Still ignoring my advice. "Bite me." It's fun!
> Again, I'm not running away but instead leaving because, to be
> honest, this is just a game and it's simply not worth my time or
> effort.
>
Mike: It is worth my time and effort to write a multi-k post though.
> See you at the tourneys
>
Tom: Tourneys?
Mike: Oh, he must be referring to a jousting tournament.
Crow: He's a Ren-Fairer.
All: Huzzah!
> Respectfully,
> Captain ToraZiyal'sacutie(and she IS too)
>
Tom: Um...?
Mike: Don't ask. It's almost over.
> Decipher customer for 3 years, BBS'er for almost 2 years and
> tired of this "$#!T".
>
Crow: Talking in symbols! k001 dudez!
> laters.
Mike: Whatevers.
Tom: Time to go.
[They stand up and exit.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The control console is still covered with the game from the
opening. Crow and Tom are busily filling out forms.]
Tom: Hmm. "How many endangered animals will be dispossessed
as a result of this unit's movement?" I guess that I
better roll on the "dispossessed chart"...
Crow: Don't forget to fill out Form Q-27-Z, the "Estimated
Effect of Rolling on Table A-98" form.
Tom: Will do. [Tom writes for a moment, then stops.]
Huh. My pen's out of ink.
Crow: Mine too. It's a good thing that I bought that box
of 10,000 pens at Staples. It was only $1.39.
Tom: Wow. Good thing too, we'll need them.
[Mike enters, whistling happily.]
Crow: There you are! Mike, you need to finish filling out
your forms!
Mike: Hmm? Oh no, I'm not playing that game any more. The
forces of Zaire bow to the great Western and Eastern
Power Blocs. I forfeit.
Tom: You need to fill out the "Forfeiting the Game" form
then.
Mike: Tom, you can take that form, roll it up really tight
and cram....
[The Castle light begins to flash.]
Crow: Mike! The, uh, people in the Castle are calling...
[Softly] Or maybe it's the censors...
[Mike stares at Tom for a moment, then slowly turns and hits
the light.]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl and Bobo stand in the center stage, talking animatedly.
Observer stands behind the pair, with an annoyed look on his
face.]
Pearl: ...Huston as Lawgiver? Please. As if he could even
remotely compare to my brilliant performance in the job.
Observer: [Mumbling] Yes, he only directed "The African Queen"
while you allowed a planet to be blown up. Those two
events don't remotely compare.
Bobo: And Great Grandpa Caesar Nelson looked entirely different
than he did in real life.
Pearl: [Turning towards the camera] Hello Nelson. I see that you
survived your little brush with whatever Observer sent to
you.
[SoL]
Mike: It was a near-thing ma'am.
[Tom and Crow turn to stare at Mike.]
Mike: [Quietly] What she doesn't know won't hurt her.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [Grinning evilly] Good. One of these days, I will get
you Nelson, ohe yes. One of these days...
[Pearl is interrupted by a knock on the door. She turns to
glare at Bobo.]
Bobo: Oh! The door! I'll get it, Lawgiver!
[Bobo exits, stage right. Pearl turns to glare at Observer,
who smiles and nods. Pearl turns away and Observer rolls his
eyes.]
Bobo: [O.S.] Yes, yes. Hold your horses! [The door creaks open.]
Alan! Pete! Say, you're not still mad about me sending
Urko after you, are you? Heh-heh. Oh, I see that you've
brought Brent and Taylor along with you too! Wonderful!
Oh, Lawgiver? RUN!
Pearl: [eyes wide] Uh oh. Later Nelson! AHHHH!!!!!!!
[Pearl runs off, stage left. Bobo sprints by, moments later,
followed by four men dressed somewhat like astronauts. Observer
calmly watches the quartet jog by, then strolls forward towards
the camera.]
Observer: It took me an eternity to contact those four. Perhaps
that will teach Pearl and Bobo to monopolize the
television when I desire to watch NASCAR. [Nods]
Until next time, Michael.
\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Usenet Theater 3000:
"A comment from apparently the most 'annoying' man on the BBS."
Original Post by Captain ToraZiyal'sacutie
Misting by Matt Blackwell <mbla...@ix.netcom.com>
Starring:
Michael Nelson as Mike Nelson
Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo
Bill Corbett as Crow
Patrick "Pantleg" Brantseg as Gypsy
Mary Jo Pehl as Pearl Forrester
Kevin Murphy as Professor Bobo
Bill Corbett As The Observer
With Special Guest Stars:
Ron Harper as Alan Virdon
James Naughton as Peter Burke
James Franciscus as Brent
and
Charleton Heston as Taylor
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 1998 by Best
Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-
commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no
infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc., Decipher, Inc., Twentieth Century Fox,
ABJAC Productions or anyone else, is intended or should be
inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional except for those who aren't , and any resemblance
to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
The Apes will return in "The Electric Cool-Aid Planet of the
Apes!"
Keep circulating the posts.
Twang.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> I also know
>that "one can catch more bees with honey than vinegar".
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
sp...@hotmail.com
> Mystery Usenet Theater 3000:
> "A comment from apparently the most 'annoying' man on the BBS."
> By Captain ToraZiyal'sacutie
> MiSTing by Matt Blackwell
Matt,
Very excellent work!
Very very funny!
Well worth the bandwidth.
Your attention to detail was unbelievable.
I really liked the little clip after the credits!!
(like my short choppy sentences?)
Peace.
Joe