MiSTing: Katira's Tale, part 8.
Amanda Van Rhyn
Hmm, neglected to mention this at the beginning... guess I'll do it now.
C&C on this is highly welcome; just e-mail me.
> Anticlus gently stroked her cheek like he had so long ago. This time,
> however, Katira did not respond lovingly. Instead, she cringed at his
> touch, trying vainly to break away, but Anticlus’s grip was as solid as a
> boulder,
TOM: That explains why he keeps losing girlfriends... he maims them.
> and Katira had no way to free herself. Hercules rushed over and tried to
> help Katira, but the moment he got there, Anticlus poofed
MIKE: Ewwwwww.
> to a different spot in the garden, still holding onto Katira.
> “How’d you do that?” demanded Hercules, drawing his sword.
CROW: <Hercules> I summon the power of Greyskull!
> Anticlus grinned.
> “I’m new and improved.
TOM: <Anticlus> I’m now lemony-fresh!
> I won a little bet with the immortals,
MIKE: <Anticlus> When I figured out that Zeus was using marked cards,
the gods had no choice but to give up.
> and was given amazing powers.
CROW: <Anticlus> I now possess the powers of the sacred
Deus ex Machina!
> Now, you, my darling, you can share them with me! Imagine, the loveliest
> maiden in Greece on the arm of the most powerful man! It’s too perfect!”
> gloated Anticlus.
MIKE: Don’t do it, Katira! Blofeld does baaaaad things to his
girlfriends!
> Katira struggled harder than ever.
> “I’m not your darling! I’ll never, never marry you!” she spat,
TOM: Incredible variety of loogie noises there.
> reaching toward her friends. Then, Anticlus poofed out of the garden,
> and into a grand, but gloomy, palace,
CROW: That will probably never be described again.
> leaving Meg and Herc alone, and scared for Katira’s safety. Herc
> whistled for Peg, and the winged horse arrived in seconds. Meg and Herc
> mounted him,
MIKE: That’s just disgusting!
CROW: Mike...
> and they took to the air, with acrophobic Meg clinging to Herc.
TOM: And the plot... goes sour!
CROW: Let’s go.
MIKE: Sounds good to me.
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[6]
[SoL. Crow and Tom are in drag, with Crow in a dark wig and Tom in a
red one. Gypsy is dressed as Hercules. Mike is in his normal jumpsuit,
standing in the center.]
MIKE: <soothing Masterpiece Theater-type voice> Hello, and welcome to
the Satellite of Love Repertory’s production of the thrilling
“Choosing Scene” from _Katira’s Tale_. This production stars
Crow T. Robot as the spunky ‘n’ sassy Katira, Thomas Servo as the
dashing and glamorous Megara, and Gypsy as Hercules. With a special
guest cameo from Jerry Mathers as the Beaver. Technical and credit
assistance from Cambot. Enjoy the show, ladies, gentlemen, and
gentlebots.
[We see ‘Day 1’ flashed on the screen.]
GYPSY: <trying to do a buff voice and failing> Oh no! I am beset with
two beautiful women asking for my hand! Who shall I ever choose?
TOM: <in cheesy falsetto> Oh, fair strong Hercules, pick me! I was a
gutter child in Corinth, but I grew up to be a beautiful and sassy
maiden with highly unusual hair! And I was first here!
CROW: <another bad falsetto> Oh, no, you simply must pick me! I was
her best friend all through our gutter-punk childhoods, but I am
indeed part god, though I’m not sure how I know this! I can do
anything you’d ever like, and besides, we were fated! The old woman
said so!
GYPSY: <same voice> Hmm. This will most definitely be a hard decision.
Give me time to think.
[‘Day 2’ is flashed]
CROW: <same voice> So? Who will it be?
GYPSY: <same Hercules voice> Give me time to think some more. You two
are so much... the same...
[‘Day 3’ is flashed]
GYPSY: <same Hercules voice> You know, you two, you are both very
hard to tell apart. So, I’ve decided to leave you both for...
Richard Baseheart’s sister! (Gypsy leaves)
CROW: <same falsetto> Grrrr! That makes me SOOO mad, that you’d be so
petty as to make him leave both of us... for a Baseheart, even!
TOM: <same falsetto> *Me*? *Petty*? Say that again, you hypocritical
man-stealer! Arrrgh!
[A catfight breaks out between ‘Megara’ and ‘Katira’. They both knock
each other to the floor, where the fight continues.]
MIKE: <Masterpiece Theater voice> Thank you for attending this
Satellite Rep performance. Refreshments will be served in the lobby.
Cast members are kindly requested to obey the movie sign and leave
for the theater.
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[5]
[4]
[3]
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[1]
[The Theater.]
> Katira was in chains. They weren’t particularly heavy or big, in
> fact, simply delicate golden ones. Still, the links were tightly clasped,
> and the fetters were as well woven as the words of a good poem.
TOM: Good. If they were as well woven as the words of this fanfic,
one stray butterfly could shatter them all.
> Katira had tested every tiny link, and hadn’t found a single weak spot.
> It annoyed her that such delicate, fragile-looking chains were so solid
> that she couldn’t break them.
MIKE: Of course you can, Katira! You’re the author avatar, remember?
> Anticlus watched Katira.
> “Come here, my sweet Katira,” he called. Kat rolled her eyes with
> disgust, and reluctantly obeyed.
> “What do you want?” she asked, her voice permeated with exasperation
> and annoyance. Anticlus grinned,
CROW: <Anticlus> Daddy wants some sugar, baby!
> and put his fingers under her supple chin. Katira pulled her head out of
> reach.
> “Why, I only want you” he answered innocently, yanking on Katira’s
> chains, pulling her close. He leaned forward to kiss her, but Kat ducked
> from him, and slapped him.
> “Hey pal, I’m off limits,” she reprimanded, turning her back to his
> face. Anticlus started playing with her silky curls. Katira burned.
TOM: Spontaneous Fanfic Combustion!
CROW: <ala _Apocalypse Now_> I love the smell of burning avatar in
the morning... smells like victory.
> She didn’t like him doing it, and she remembered many things at once:
> the days when she had once loved Anticlus, her times with Hercules, and
> the way Herc had so casually toyed with her long locks of chocolaty bronze.
MIKE: Sadly, the use of confection alloys for wigs just didn’t work
out for anyone involved.
> Sharply, Katira pulled all her hair over her shoulder, where Anticlus
> couldn’t mess with her long, magnificent mane.
TOM: And now we’re in _The Lion King_? Stop the insanity!
> “Come on, Kat. You can’t get away from me. You know you can’t,” he
> reminded her, turning her around so that she had to face him. Kat
> strained her head, turning her face as far away from him as she could.
> She uttered a small shriek
CROW: <Katira> Um, yelp? I’d shriek better, but I just can’t work up
the energy. What *is* this character’s motivation anyway?
> as Anticlus yanked on her chains again, this time so far and fast that
> Katira soon found herself sprawled out on his lap. She collected herself,
> and sat as tightly drawn together as she could be.
MIKE: I feel your pain, Katira. This fanfic makes me want to cower in
the fetal position too.
> He wouldn’t let her get off of his knee, and Katira squirmed with
> discomfort. Oh, why wasn’t Hercules here? Herc would be able to rescue
> her, wouldn’t he?
CROW: <automated voice> Hello, valued rescue customer. Unfortunately,
the Hercules Rescue System has all operators busy right now. However,
please stay on the line - your call is important to us.
> Until then, Kat just sat miserably with Anticlus. Suddenly, Anticlus
> pushed Katira off, and left the room. Katira didn’t know what to do.
> She waited, frightened and anxious. Soon, he returned. He smiled slyly
> at Kat.
> “What is it?” she asked, her voice quavering.
MIKE: <Katira, sqeaky falsetto> I cannot read the fiery letters!
CROW: <Anticlus, basso> No, but I can.
> Anticlus just smirked. He took his hand out from behind his back, and in
> it was a beautiful necklace. It was golden and jeweled, the strands of
> metal twisting and writhing to make a marvelous choker.
TOM: And a smoker, and a midnight toker.
> Anticlus fastened it around Katira’s throat, and Katira swallowed
> nervously.
> “I bring you the Brisings’ necklace, the loveliest neckring
MIKE: ... And elegant variation strikes again!
> in the world. The loveliest necklace for the loveliest lady,” he said,
> kissing Katira’s hand. Kat loved the necklace, but she did not love the
> giver. She was delighted with the choker, but repulsed by Anticlus.
> Katira trembled. She felt his soft, warm breath, as Anticlus fastened the
> Necklace of the Brisings around her supple white throat. She wished with
> all her might that Hercules would come to her rescue. She had rescued
> him, twice, and now it was her turn to be saved.
CROW: <same automated voice> I’m sorry, ma’am, but before the
Hercules Rescue System can save you, we need the name of your
insurance provider.
> He did not come, and so Katira waited. Three days she waited. In those
> three days, she fervently prayed to her mother Erato, her grandmother
> Aphrodite, mighty Zeus, wise Athena,
TOM: The Professor and Mary Ann...
> queenly Hera, handsome Apollo,
MIKE: Shab-Niggurath, the Black Goat in the Woods with a
Thousand Young...
> powerful Ares, beautiful Artemis,
CROW: Offler the Crocodile God...
> and all the gods and goddesses she could think of, so that help would
> soon come to her aid. Also, in those three days, Anticlus had adorned
> Katira with the greatest gifts imaginable. Her fingers glittered with
> rings,
MIKE: Hey! Give Nenya back!
> the finest earrings sparkled in her ears, her arms were covered with
> bands,
TOM: The Katira’s Arm Benefit Concert! Now with REM, Green Day, and
Limp Bizkit! KoRn, the Bloodhound Gang, and Menudo for one night only!
> her hair bore golden ribbons and tiaras, her ankles wore delicate hoops
> of gold and jewels, her dress glistened with belts
CROW: She’s adopted the X-Man fashion trend, eh?
> and brooches, and round her neck hung spectacular chains and necklaces,
> including the Brisings’ choker, lovely sandals that were almost like
> slippers worthy of the highest princess,
MIKE: This passage brought to you by Sears Roebuck and Company.
> yet she still bore captive chains during that time. And in those three
> days, she wept.
ALL: <singing> Tears of a dork... when there’s noone around...
> Pegasus flew
ALL: <singing to the tune of the PumaMan Theme>
Pegasus / He flies like a moron!
> with the speed of a thousand chariots, carrying
TOM: Ben-Hur?
CROW: OK, whatever you say...
TOM: Y’know, to fit in with the chariots thing...
> his passengers Megara and Hercules. In the distance loomed a menacingly
> dark shape. As they flew closer, it began to look like a fine palace,
> and instinctively they knew that it was where Katira was captive. In
> minutes, they landed outside the gate, and snuck silently inside,
MIKE: Yeah, sure was a shame about the security cameras and all.
> except Peg. Meg and Herc followed a few small passageways, and soon
> found themselves in a dark corner of a great hall.
CROW: In this fanfic, probably more like a mediocre hall.
> Only one other person was in the hall. It was a young woman, probably a
> princess, quietly praying.
TOM: <Marlin Perkins> Watch as the feral princess sneaks up on its
prey in the wild...
MIKE: Other pray, Tom.
TOM: Oh.
> She seemed to wear a golden dress, and she appeared to have hair made of
> pure gold.
CROW: Hey, it’s Sparrow! Long time no see, babe! Free for a nice
evening on the town sometime?
TOM: Who’s Sparrow?
CROW: Well, remember that Gyen chick you had a thing with for a while?
TOM: Yeah...
CROW: Sparrow’s her roomy, and MAN, is she *hot*!
MIKE: Guys, can we keep the bot dating tips down?
> She also seemed very sad.
CROW: Ah, the Erato school of description. Go straight for the
jugular with an adjective!
> She looked up, and noticed the two in the corner. Since she had seen
> them, and seemed to be in distress, Meg and Herc came out of their corner
> to meet the princess. Herc went up to introduce himself, and the golden
> lady looked at him with very familiar grey-blue eyes. Her face melted
> into a smile of recognition, and she smoothed a few dark bangs off her
> forehead.
TOM: But in the last paragraph she had golden hair! I didn’t know you
could do dye jobs that quickly...
> “Katira?” asked Herc, utterly surprised at the transformed Kat. Now
> that he was up close, he could see some of her dark hair, and a few
> miniscule patches of the red velvet dress showed through the golden
> ornamentation, including her chains.
> “Yes, and thank Zeus you’re here!” she answered in an excited whisper.
MIKE: I’ve seen a lot of odd adjective-noun combinations before, but
‘excited whisper’ is new to me.
> She quickly glanced around the room, and let out a breath of relief.
> “Kat? Is that you in there?” asked Meg,
TOM: <Katira> No, dummy, I’m right in front of you!
> joining Herc’s side.
CROW: Ah, the bond between elective Siamese twins.
> Katira nodded, and shrugged one of her shoulders. It was Katira all
> right, just covered in mounds of gold and other finery.
> “Are you okay?” asked Herc. Katira shrugged one shoulder.
> “Well, I can definitely say that Circe was right. Men are pigs!” she
> said,
MIKE: Oh, come on! Tom’s puns are better that that!
TOM: Hey! Ohhh...
> more to herself than her friends.
> “Circe?” asked Herc, thinking he’d heard that name before.
> “Yeah. Distant cousin of mine. I never understood her obsession
> with animals,
CROW: No comment.
> but when she made a point,
TOM: It was right on the top of her head?
MIKE: No, that’s if she *had* a point. See the difference?
> it was usually a good one,” replied Katira, rolling her eyes.
> “You got that right,” agreed Meg. Suddenly, Kat’s gold- and
> jewel-laden head turned toward a nearby corridor, and she became ashen in
> color.
CROW: <Narrator> The animator suffered a fatal heart attack, ending
the fanfic peril.
> “Hurry! Hide before he comes back! He’s coming! Quickly!”
> exclaimed a frightened Katira. Her friends obeyed, hiding in the some of
> the many shadowy nooks and crannies,
MIKE: And we all know how many shadowy nooks and crannies well-lit
great halls have, don’t we, class?
> and they watched Katira. Anticlus came in, and Katira cringed slightly.
> “Ah, my princess awaits,” he said with a beaming face. Katira forced
> a nervous, tight-lipped smile, and took a few steps away from him.
> “Anticlus. You came back,” she said in a quavering voice,
MIKE: <Katira, squeaky falsetto> For I *still* cannot read the fiery
letters...
TOM: That joke was debatable the first time you did it.
> trying to sound glad. Anticlus walked over to her, and yanked on her
> chains, pulling her very close to him. He slipped his arms around
> shivering Katira,
TOM: Shiver Me Katira - from Hasbro!
> and he tried to kiss her. Katira pulled her head out of his reach, but
> he jerked on her fetters again, and she was forced into his kiss. Kat
> struggled against him, but he forcefully kept her from pulling away. As
> far as he saw things, Katira should only stop when he stopped, and she
> should do whatever he did, or more. Kat didn’t want to be anywhere near
> him.
CROW: Remember the Erato School of Writing: Tell, don’t show! And
your audience is a bunch of 3-year-olds, so repeat, repeat, repeat!
> She kept squirming, and in desperation, Katira bit Anticlus hard.
MIKE: Erato, what have you done now? Think of the children!
> Warm blood flowed, but yet he seemed not to notice what she had done.
> Finally, he let her go. Katira turned her head, and spat out a mouthful
> of his blood.
TOM: <Dracula> Be careful with that stuff, lady. That’s my meal ticket.
> When she looked at him again, there was no wound on his mouth, nor even
> bloodstains on his skin and lips. It was as if Kat had never bitten him
> at all.
MIKE: Good. Let’s all just pretend as if that never happened.
> He simply smiled, and stroked her gold-plated hair. When he began to move
> his hands over her chest,
CROW: Code Red! Under the theater seats, gentlemen!
(M&TB all climb under their seats.)
CROW: OK, we planned for this. Servo, you’re sentry. Tell us when the
scene ends.
> Katira jumped away, and slapped him across the face with all her rings
> touching the skin, especially what stones she could make contact with.
> Katira had been forced at his mercy to endure his multiple advances on her
> for the past days, including his kisses and caresses. She feared worse,
> though. At least she was still a virgin, thank goodness.
TOM: <to himself> Day 1 of the Scene. I am rooted in for a long haul,
and the conditions seem atrocious.
> However, Katira knew Anticlus, what he could do, and what he was aiming
> to do to her. If Hercules hadn’t arrived that day, she might lose it
> soon, and the thought made her shudder.
TOM: <to himself> Day 1.5. To my surprise, the main character concurs
with my feeling on the scene.
> At this rate, she would wind up with his child, and Katira knew he wasn’t
> going to wait for their supposed wedding night to try it either.
TOM: <to himself> Day 2. Has this scene finally reached its zenith of
pure suck? Time will tell.
> She was terribly frightened, never sure what Anticlus was going to do to
> her next. Katira would endure everything, just as long as she didn’t
> have to give him her body, which she knew he wanted.
TOM: Day 2.5. The scene’s obvious goal to drive me insane is slowly
working. There is little hope... tell Gyen hi... oh, the pain.
(Tom begins sobbing quietly.)
> Katira had resolved not to let him do anything to her without a fight.
> As for Katira’s friends, still hiding, they were outraged at this
> exploitation of poor Katira. Meg was livid with anger at Anticlus.
> How dare he do this to Katira! Herc tensed with fury. Katira did not
> belong to Anticlus!
TOM: Day 3. Through my haze of suffering, I can vaguely sense that
the fanfic is trying for a moral. There is no succor in this. Kill me
now.
> Kat herself was fuming.
TOM: Day 3.5. Hope yet! One character’s head seems ready to explode.
> She was a human being, not
MIKE: <from under seat> ... an elephant?
TOM: Day 4. I hear from a comrade. You guys are still there?
CROW: <under seat> (snickers) Yeah, Tommy. Sorry about the mental
anguish and all that, but watching you pretend to be a war
correspondent is actually pretty darn funny.
TOM: Oh, I see, my cruel cruel ‘friends’. Enjoy playing with my
fragile mind? Then *you* can come out and riff the rest of the scene!
MIKE: <under seat> Aww... I guess so.
(Mike and Crow return to their regular seats.)
> merely an object to be played with! Anticlus didn’t pick up on the aura
> of rage in the hall. He only thought Katira was playing hard to get.
> After all, ‘no’ meant ‘yes’ and ‘get lost’ meant ‘take me, I’m yours!’
> didn’t it?
CROW: And there’s that pesky moralizing that Tom was talking about.
> Anticlus chuckled at Katira, and tried again to make an overture on
> Katira,
MIKE: Katira is good sheet music?
> who was ready to resist him again. Unable to continue watching, Herc and
> Meg leapt from their hiding places to Katira’s rescue.
> “Leave her alone!” ordered Hercules, one hand ready to draw his sword. Anticlus left a relieved Katira, and > looked at him, smirking.
> “Look who came in time for the wedding!” said Anticlus, mocking Kat’s
> friends.
ALL: <singing> We’re gonna mock this town, mock it inside out!