[MiSTied] "Beware Magic The Gathering" and "Parent Alert! Parent Alert!"
Sylvan SilverNight
Alert ... Parents Alert"
Categories: [PARA, RANT, RR - possibly CONS]
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When it comes to pain, nothing beats the ranting of a philosopher who is
so certain of an esoteric point of order, that reason can easilly be
sacrificed to dogma. Such has been the result of these twin MiSTings.
Each comes from a website inhabited by the smallest of minds and
narrowest of views. It gives me great pleasure to ease my pain in this
fashion by doing unto them as they have done unto so many others. Enjoy
and let me know what you think of my latest work ... a gift to those
with open minds and cards in their decks. :)
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(Mystery Science Theater 3000 Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)
(.....1.....)
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(.....6.....)
(Scene: SOL Interior. An instrumental version of "White Christmas" is
playing in the background as CROW and MIKE decorate a small,
Charlie-Brown-esque Christmas tree on the main console. Tinsel is hung
in garlands overhead and there's even a sprig of mistletoe hanging in
the middle of the room. TOM is looking at a large pile of wrapped gifts
stacked on the other end of the console.)
TOM: C'mon guys, when can I open one?
MIKE: (shaking his head) Just be patient Tom, Crow and I are nearly
done with the tree and then it'll be time for supper.
TOM: (impatiently) And *then* can we open our gifts?
CROW: Gee Servo, what's the rush? Christmas in July only comes once a
year! Why not make it last; enjoy the season?
MIKE: (nodding in approval) That's right Crow... Bask in the glow of
the warm feelings of togetherness and family.
(MIKE and CROW continue decorating as the music switches to "The 12 Days
of Christmas".)
TOM: That's all fine and good, but *your* family is thousands of miles
away on a planet that we know is doomed to be destroyed! By your hand, no-less...
CROW: Hmmm... He does make a pretty good argument, Mike.
(MIKE looks disheartened.)
MIKE: C'mon, Tom... Crow... Christmas in July is supposed to be
special... Magical...
CROW: ...filled with presents...!
MIKE: Well, that too...
TOM: Come on Nelson, live for the moment!
CROW: (getting into it) Yeah!
MIKE: (sighing) Ok, tell you what... While I go and get the turkey out
of the oven, you can each open one gift. One, Ok?
TOM/CROW: Okay...
(MIKE finishes hanging a ball on the tree and walks off-camera,
stage-left. CROW moves over next to TOM and looks at the pile. The two
look at each other and back at the gifts. The music continues to play
softly in the background.)
TOM: ATAAAAAAACK! (leaping forward)
CROW: Lemme at 'em!
(Both bots dive into the pile as commercial sign lights flash. Torn and
shredded wrapping paper goes flying in all directions as CROW sticks his
head out from behind the pile and hits the lights with his beak.)
CROW: We'll be right back... (He dives back in, joining TOM.) Wait for
me, Servo!
TOM: (off-camera) Ohhhh... RAM chips!
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(SOL. A layer of shredded and torn wrapping paper covers the main
console, with plates, glasses and utensils set out on top of it all.
CROW and TOM stand flanking the center as MIKE enters carrying a
classic, Norman Rockefeller-like roasted turkey.)
MIKE: Here we go guys, Merry Christmas! (after a pause) Uh, in July.
CROW: Wow!
TOM: Gee Mike, this looks great!
MIKE: Yeah, well, it's just a little something I threw together...
CROW: Don't be so modest Mike! It's perfect!
TOM: Yeah, I don't know how you'll top this at Christmas in September!
MIKE: (modestly) Well, I *did* save the best for last...
(MIKE reaches under the console and pulls up a silver platter beset with
a large fruitcake.)
CROW: Yahhh!
TOM: Oh geez Mike, fruitcake?!
MIKE: (looking a bit peeved) Yes, 'fruitcake'. You guys know that
Christmas has fruitcake involved with it! Besides, this is a really
good recipe; I got it from Julia Child's latest cookbook.
(The lights start flashing.)
TOM: Mike, I don't care if it came from Martin Yan...
CROW: Yeah, everyone knows that fruitcakes are terrible!
TOM: They're a running, Yuletide joke!
MIKE: (nodding with a knowing smile) You've never had fruitcake, have
you, guys?
CROW: (after a short pause) Well, no... Not as such...
TOM: But how can so many stand-up comedians be wrong?
(MIKE reaches over and taps the flashing lights.)
MIKE: We'll discuss this later. Titania, Oberon and Puck are calling...
(Castle Forrester interior. The castle is set up with tinsel and
Christmas decorations, there is a bowl of figs and walnuts in the
foreground on a table, next to which PEARL stands nervously. In the
background, there is a fire burning in a fireplace. Seated before it
are BOBO and an odd, white figure-in-chains.)
PEARL: (sighing) Hello, Mike. Robots.
(SOL)
CROW: Gee Pearl, what's wrong?
TOM: Yeah, you don't seem too "merry" at the moment.
MIKE: (admonishingly) C'mon guys... Can't you see Pearl is probably
suffering from sort of Seasonal Affective Disorder?
TOM/CROW: Ooooohhh!
(Castle)
PEARL: (looking peeved) No, I'm not suffering from "Seasonal Affective
Disorder", you space monkeys! (she looks over her shoulder at BOBO and
the figure in white) The problem is that my evil deeds have finally all
come home to roost. I...I'm being haunted!
FIGURE-IN-WHITE: (in the background to BOBO) Look, I *knew* TV's Frank,
I *tortured* TV's Frank, and you, sir, are no TV's Frank!
(SOL)
MIKE: Haunted?
CROW: Cool!
TOM: By what? A poltergeist? Dream-demon? An animated Chuckie doll?
(Castle. The white figure in chains is now standing just behind PEARL,
looking on, its face obscured by her head.)
PEARL: (shaking her head in response to TOM) No, worse. I'm being
haunted by my own beloved son, Clayton.
(The ghost of DR.F steps out from behind PEARL looking like he used to
but drenched in white powder and draped with thick chains.)
DR.F: Surprise, victims!
(SOL)
ALL: (wincing back from the camera) Yaaaaa!
(Castle. PEARL is trying to sneak off to one side away from the ghost
of DR.F.)
DR.F: Ahhhh... You remember me! (DR.F. holds up his hands, rattling
the chains draped over them) As you can see, my years of ill deeds and
wickedness really did catch up with me. I guess being evil isn't all
it's cracked up to be... (he shrugs) But there's still time to save my
dear, loving mother from the ravages that inflict me daily... (He looks
at PEARL with a wicked expression of sheer malice. He puts his hand
just above her shoulder.) Going somewhere, mother-dear?
PEARL: Oh, nowhere in particular. Just -uh- thought I'd take a look
around the castle; make sure ... all the windows ... are ... clean.
DR.F: (in a menacing voice) SILENCE! Your judgment is at hand!
(SOL. The guys are looking on in shock.)
MIKE: Doctor Forrester!
TOM: Alive!
CROW: Well, sort of...
TOM: (turning to MIKE) Do you think he's gonna kill his own mother?
(Castle)
DR.F: (to the camera, answering TOM's question) You wish! I'm only
here to help my mother escape the ravages of the afterlife! (he turns
to look at PEARL again with an evil smile) It's not my fault that it'll
be traumatic and oh-so painful for her...
PEARL: (scared) Clayton! How can you treat your own mother like this?!
After all the love; the support...
DR.F: You're not fooling anyone, mother...
PEARL: Well, I had to try.
DR.F: If you insist... However tonight you shall be visited by three
spirits who will guide you on a mystic journey of revelation and
soul-searching angst!
(She pauses, her nervous and scared look dissolving into one of jaded incredulity.)
PEARL: (slowly) "Three ... spirits"?
DR.F: (nodding eagerly) Yep, and in fact ...(in the distance a booming,
knocking sound can be heard from the castle door)... there's the first
one now!
(PEARL looks off in the direction of the knocking as BOBO approaches her
from behind and takes her arm.)
BOBO: (gravely) This way, Lawgiver...
PEARL: (looking back as BOBO leads her away) Clayton! Please!
I...I'll never do anything evil again! I swear it! (She continues
pleading as she's led off-camera.) Pweeease?!!
DR.F: (waving with his fingertips) I know you won't, mother... I know
you won't... (slowly, he turns to the camera) Well, now that *that's*
taken care of, it's just you and me...
(SOL)
MIKE: Uh, really Dr. F... We really liked you!
CROW: Yeah! You were much better than Pearl!
TOM: Much better!
(Castle)
DR.F: Don't waste your time, bubbies. I know the score... I'm dead,
you're not and things can't get any worse. In fact, I've been thinking
about corruption and the fires of the eternal hereafter quite a bit of
late and have decided to share a little pair of warnings with you...
(SOL)
MIKE: (breathing a sigh of relief) Oh, thank goodness...
TOM: We thought you were going to send us another movie...
(Castle)
DR.F: A movie? Heavens no!
(SOL)
MIKE: Wow, thanks, Dr. F!
TOM: Yeah, that's uncommonly kind of you!
CROW: Maybe he *has* learned his lesson by dying...
(Castle)
DR.F: (holding up a sheaf of papers) Instead, I have a few web pages
for you to view...
(SOL)
ALL: Aaaaarrrrgh...
(Castle)
DR.F: (grinning) What do you expect? Haven't I told you? I'm *evil*!
(he laughs maniacally for a moment and then takes a deep breath.) The
first one is a tiny little short by J.M. Smith from Jerry Falwell's
National Liberty Journal entitled "Parent Alert - Parent Alert". You've
probably heard all about it; it deals with protecting children from
something-or-other. Jerry's gotten a good deal of mileage out of the
whole fiasco and I'm just dying to share his wisdom with the rest of the
world! The second web page is a similarly wonderful piece of
divinely-inspired propaganda warning parents against letting their
children get too close to Magic: The Gathering... They way I see it, I
get to help educate you too and save you from mistakes that might cost
your children dearly!
(SOL. The lights are flashing.)
TOM: But we don't have children...
MIKE: (bemused) I don't believe it. Even dead, he's hurting us...
CROW: Well, dead or not, I'm contemplating murder.
TOM: I don't think we have time for that, Crow.
MIKE: Yeah, we have Internet siiiiiiign!
TOM/CROW: Yaaaaaaah!
(Running back and forth for a moment, they depart for the theater.)
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MIKE: (frustrated) This is *not* going to be fun...
> February
> 1999
>
> PARENTS ALERT . . . PARENTS ALERT
TOM: Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!
CROW: Stop the humanoid!
>
> Tinky Winky Comes Out of the Closet
CROW: As millions of gay men try not to laugh.
> The sexual preference of Tinky Winky,
MIKE: ...is about as important as the sexual orientation of Yogi Bear.
TOM: Y'know, I always *did* think Boo-boo was a tad
light-in-the-loafers, if ya know what I mean. Heh-heh.
MIKE: (pause) He wears insoles?
TOM: (shaking his head) Oh Mike, you are *so* naive...
> the largest of
> the four Teletubbies characters
CROW: Hey, maybe size *does* matter!
MIKE: Crow...!
> on the series that
> airs in America on PBS stations, has been the subject
> of debate since the series premiered in England in
> 1997.
TOM: (as William F. Buckley) Well, Ah, you see, this whole Teletubbie
phenomenon really has -uh- required the English people to explain
themselves to the world...
MIKE: Well, after introducing Bangers and Mash, it's about time!
>
> The character, whose voice is obviously that of a boy,
CROW: ...A really *stupid* boy...
> has been found carrying a red purse in many episodes
> and has become a favorite character among gay groups
> worldwide.
TOM: So if a homosexual likes something, it's automatically gay...
MIKE: That *would* explain the strategy behind the Log Cabin Republicans...
>
> Now, further evidence that the creators of the series
> intend for Tinky Winky to be a gay role model have
> surfaced.
TOM: In fact, both Mulder and Scully told me it last week.
> He is purple -- the gay-pride color;
MIKE: Uh, I thought the gay color was pink.
TOM: Yeah, and Tinky-Winky's really more of a dark-blue/purple anyway...
CROW: The Roman aristocracy's color!
MIKE: Tinky-Winky's a blue-blood?
> and his
> antenna is shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride
> symbol.
CROW: Also the alchemical symbol for water...
TOM: I didn't know that.
CROW: Well, symbols.com was low-traffic last night.
>
> Furthering Tinky's "outing" was a recent Washington
> Post editorial that cast the character's photo
> opposite that of Ellen DeGeneres in an "In/Out"
> column.
MIKE: Ah yes, the Washington Post; bastion of journalistic integrity!
TOM: I guess Mr. Smith here doesn't understand sarcasm or humor.
> This implies that Ellen is "out" as the chief
> national gay representative, while Tinky Winky is the
> trendy "in" celebrity.
TOM: Yes, gay folk everywhere identify with large, androgynous,
pastel-colored space-babies.
>
> These subtle depictions are no doubt intentional
CROW: ...in exactly the same way that a dollar bill's eye-in-the-pyramid
is the intentional symbol of the Illuminati's government influence.
> and
> parents are warned to be alert to these elements of
> the series. However, many families are allowing the
> series to entertain their children.
TOM: Which says little for their sense of taste.
> In the January 10
> Blockbuster "Hit List" of the top-ten selling videos,
> two Teletubbies titles appeared on the list.
MIKE: Thus proving that the end times are upon us.
> The itsy
> bitsy Entertainment Company
CROW: So, ya think their name refers to the amount of entertainment you
get from their productions or the age of their audience?
TOM: Well, they'll never get the bid for "Hamlet" with a name like that...
CROW: "Itsy-bitsy Entertainment presents ... Godzilla!" (chuckles)
MIKE: Hmmm... "itsy bitsy" ... "tinky winky" ... Think someone here
has an inferiority complex?
> will release interactive
> Teletubbies dolls in March.
TOM: Interactive dolls? What's next? A talking bowling pin?
CROW: Yeah! A talking...? Hey, wait a minute!
>
> South Park Invasion
TOM: June 5th, 1944.
> The creators of South Park, the juvenile animated
> series that airs on Comedy Central,
MIKE: Comedy Central? Never heard of 'em...
> have released a
> set of trading cards depicting episodes from the
> series that are now being sold in toy, hobby and
> sports card stores across the nation.
CROW: Thus filling the void created by the departure of "Beavis & Butthead".
>
> Parents should be aware that the cards feature the
> same impudent and vile language as the series.
MIKE: Which, if it didn't bother them the first time, probably won't now either.
> God's
> name is frequently taken in vain, other four-letter
> words are continually uttered,
TOM: Yahweh is a four-letter word?
> female characters are
> routinely referred to in vile terms
MIKE: Well, *that* criticism is accurate.
TOM: You can't lose 'em all, Mike.
> and human waste
> named Mr. Hankey becomes a live, speaking
> character.
CROW: Hey! Just like Rush Limbaugh!
>
> In addition, the character of Kenny is brutally
> massacred in every broadcast while the remaining
> characters respond, "Oh my God, they've killed Kenny."
ALL: You Bastards!
> Many of those killings are also depicted in the card
> series.
TOM: I wonder what Mr. Smith would think of my "Mars Attacks" trading cards?
> The trading cards are the exact size of
> traditional sports cards, making it easy for kids to
> sneak them into the home.
MIKE: Just like the Gideons' "Pocket Psalms"!
CROW: Insidious!
>
> Acclaim Entertainment recently began selling the South
> Park video game -- which also features extreme
> violence and obscene language --
CROW: ...and a guy with his head up a cow's butt.
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Hey, it's on all the commercials!
MIKE: Well, no more cable TV for you, young man.
CROW: Awwww...
> for Nintendo 64 with
> the support of a multi-million dollar marketing
> campaign.
>
> Disney's Hollow 'Promise' to Parents
MIKE: We swear we will faithfully give author's credits on our movies?
CROW: We'll admit that "the Lion King" was stolen from "Kimba: the White Lion"?
TOM: "Pocahontas" will never have a sequel?
> On January 8, the Walt Disney Company announced a
> recall of 3.4 million video copies of its animated
> film, The Rescuers, after two frames of the film were
> discovered to exhibit the figure of a nude woman.
CROW: Hey... Think Pearl could maybe get us a copy of "The Rescuers" to watch?
TOM: Yeah, Mike! Y'think?
MIKE: I doubt it, guys. Those Disney lawyers are probably more evil
than Pearl's comfortable with.
CROW/TOM: Awwwww....
> Disney had earlier refused to recall videos of the
> films The Little Mermaid and The Lion King after
> parents complained that other subliminal messages were
> hidden in scenes from those movies.
TOM: Yes, the Disney corporation has nothing better to do with it's time
than purposely insert subliminal messages into it's movies.
MIKE: It does sound more like something Dr. Forrester would have thought up.
CROW: (after a pause) I miss Clayton.
MIKE/TOM: (in a dull, monotone) No you don't...
>
> Disney said it is recalling the videos to "keep its
> promise to families that they can trust and rely on
> the Disney name to provide the finest in family
> entertainment."
TOM: Such as "The Black Hole"?
CROW: Or "The Black Cauldron"?
MIKE: "That Darn Cat"?
> If that promise is true, families
> across the nation wonder why obviously planned
> offensives persistently show up in the company's
> videos.
CROW: It's a conspiracy, I tells ya! A conspiracy!
TOM: Ohhhh... Does that mean Mel Gibson and Patrick Stewart are
somewhere in this rant?
>
> "Certainly the image in The Little Mermaid of the
> clergyman who obtains [sexual stimulation] while
> performing the wedding ceremony
ALL: What?!!
MIKE: Ok, guys; avert your eyes! (MIKE stands up in front of the
previous words, spreading his arms out as the bots complain.)
CROW/TOM: Hey!
TOM: Mike!
CROW: Gee, we're old enough to know the truth!
MIKE: Yeah, well, maybe you can't handle the truth...
> qualifies as an image
> that does not belong in a children's video," said
> Cathy Brown, director of Why Life?
TOM: Meanwhile, the people at "It Beats The Alternative" write an angry letter.
> (the youth division
> of American Life League).
CROW: A sub-division of the Please-Please-Please-Get-A-Life Foundation.
> "And having the letters
> S-E-X float across the screen in The Lion King is
> objectionable as well.
MIKE: But, of course, making Frollo in "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"
only a judge as opposed to a religious leader is acceptable artistic
license used to improve the story's image of the church.
TOM: Yowch, Mike!
(MIKE picks up TOM and starts heading out.)
MIKE: Come on guys, I think I've had enough of my welfare being watched
out for...
> Why hasn't Disney recalled
> these videos?" she asked.
CROW: Apart from the relative obscurity of the infraction...
TOM: ...and the overwhelming cost of a recall, that is...
(They leave the theater.)
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(SOL. CROW has a large sheaf of paper set up showing a diagram with
lines linking "Teletubbies", "Jerry Falwell", "the Homosexual Agenda",
"South Park", "Disney" and "Pia Zadora". It looks like a complex
conspiracy theory chart. MIKE and TOM stand to one side.)
CROW: And so you see, after much hard work and investigative journalism
-along with a short call to my close, personal friend, Matt Drudge- it
can be clearly shown that the Reverend Jerry Falwell is not only a pawn
of Matt Stone and Trey Parker, but is -himself- a homosexual. Thank you.
(MIKE applauds sparsely and steps forward.)
MIKE: Well Crow, that was very thorough and ... probably ... enlightening...
TOM: ...For someone...
MIKE: (nodding to TOM) ...For someone. (more enthusiastically) You
are -uh- sure about this then? I mean, I was with you as far as Pia
Zadora being behind the 1987 Disney World power outage, but I still
don't see how this effects "Tinky Winky" and Jerry Falwell...
CROW: (sounding hurt) Well, gee Mike. I thought I'd explained that bit.
TOM: (interrupting) Crow, allow me to be blunt.
MIKE: I don't know if that's a good idea, Tom...
TOM: (shaking violently back and forth) Your presentation sucked! It
simply bit!
CROW: Wha?
TOM: I mean, I've seen some stinky tripe before -mostly from Geraldo
Rivera and Larry King- but this takes the cake!
(CROW looks from MIKE who simply spreads his arms helplessly with an
embarrassed nod to TOM who is bouncing up and down, annoyed.)
CROW: Oh, I get it! You're jealous!
TOM: What?!
CROW: (sounding desperate) Yeah, you're jealous that I outed Jerry
Falwell and you didn't! That's it!
TOM: Why you gold-plated, arrogant...
CROW: Hey...!
(TOM lunges towards CROW only to find himself restrained by MIKE.)
MIKE: (calmly, putting his other hand on CROW's shoulder) Crow, Tom
isn't jealous; it's just that Jerry Falwell has been a rabid opponent of
gays and lesbians for decades now...
TOM: Him turning out to be gay is about as likely as Mike here to be
turning out to be straight!
CROW: Well...
MIKE: (annoyed and rolling his eyes) Tom, I'm not gay...
TOM: Sure Mike, whatever... (turning back to CROW) Look Crow, it's not
like I wouldn't like to be able to spread the rumor that the dear old
reverend is homosexual -it would serve him right to suffer from the same
kind of disinformation he spews- but the truth of the matter is that
he's not, you're wrong and "South Park" is doomed to the same death on
Comedy Central that we went through!
CROW: Well, if you put it that way...
MIKE: (sighing) Besides, Falwell didn't even write this press release!
CROW: Yeah, but he *is* the editor of the Liberty Journal. I mean, he
*has* gone out of his way to take credit for just about every *other*
opinion they've ever coughed up.
TOM: Granted... And for a man whose supposedly outraged and embarrassed
by the whole situation, he's certainly been taking full advantage of all
the free media coverage while simultaneously reveling in the
embarrassing exposure...
MIKE: Well, that all may be true, but the point remains that Jerry
Falwell, although a tempting target, is about as gay as "Tinky Winky" himself.
TOM: Exactly.
(They pause as commercial sign lights flash.)
CROW: (slowly) I suppose that you're also going to tell me that Po and
La-la aren't lesbians...
MIKE: (shaking his head emphatically) Oh no... No...!
TOM: Never.
MIKE: (nodding) I think you pegged that one, right on...
CROW: Whew! I was worried for a moment there.
TOM: Yeah, good work Crow!
MIKE: Yeah, good work...
(MIKE hits the flashing lights.)
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(Theater interior. The guys reenter from the right. The web page
slowly loads on the main screen as they watch.)
> BEWARE of MAGIC: The Gathering™
MIKE: It's like a card game ... FROM HELL!
>
> Report by David L. Brown, Th.M.
TOM: What's "Th.M."?
MIKE: I dunno; George Lucas' next sound system?
CROW: The audience is listening.
> © August 1995
> May only be reproduced in full and must include this notice. May not
> be reproduced for resale. May be carried on other non-commercial web
> sights provided the Logos web address is included --
TOM: Oh, don't worry; it will be... Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
> http://www.execpc.com/logos/
CROW: Your one-stop shop for religious dogma.
>
> -------------
>
> GenCon is the annual gaming convention, sponsored by TSR™ (Tactical
> Studies Research) of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.
TOM: Wisconsin: It's the cows.
CROW: (shuddering) Yeah, if it's from Wisconsin, you gotta know it's evil!
MIKE: Hey! *I'm* from Wisconsin!
CROW: (looking at MIKE) Or at least cheesy...
MIKE: Well, that's better... (does a double-take) Hey!
> TSR, Inc. is the originator
> of the original Fantasy Role Playing Game, Dungeons & Dragons™.
MIKE: So you gotta *know* they're bad!
CROW: Actually, I've thought of them as 'evil' ever since they
bought-out and sank S.P.I.
TOM: Yeah. Before they got bought out in 1997 by Wizards of the Coast,
they were the Microsoft of the gaming world...
> The
> GenCon Convention is the place to introduce new products to the FRP
> (Fantasy Role Playing) crowd because 15,000 to 25,000 people attend
> GenCon annually.
CROW: ...Soaked in Clearosil and wearing black T-shirts.
> In 1993, when I walked into the convention hall where
> vendors have their booths, a crowd caught my eye.
MIKE: I thanked them, retrieved it and screwed it back in place.
> There was a group of
> people sitting around a line of tables playing cards and the crowd was
> intently watching.
TOM: Would they play the red five on the black six? Or how about the
jack of clubs on the queen of diamonds? The suspense was overwhelming...
> I had never heard of or seen a "fantasy" card game
> before, so I asked about it. As it turned out,
CROW: ...this game was part of an insidious plan to bring down
role-playing games.
> Peter Adkison and his
> "basement" company, Wizards of the Coast, had driven all the way from
> Renton, Washington to introduce Magic: The Gathering™. I had no idea at
> that point that I was video taping Gaming History.
TOM: But there he was: Rodney King, playing a hand with Mark Fuhrman...
CROW: Can't we all just get along?
> At the 95 convention
> there were so many people packed around The Wizards of The Coast
> mega-booth that it was hard to get a decent picture.
MIKE: Hey guys! Look up there! Mega-booth! Your favorite actor!
CROW: (sighing like a teenager embarrassed by his mom) Geez, Mike!
It's "MegaWeapon", not "MegaBooth"...
TOM: Yeah, Mike! And anyway, MegaWeapon wouldn't be *selling* anything
at GenCon; he'd have to be the guest of honor!
CROW: Yeah!
MIKE: Gee; well, sorry...
> People were buying,
> selling and trading Magic cards. It was easy to see why "Adkison's
> basement operation...has mushroomed from 6 to 250 employees, with
> operations in Glasgow, Scotland, and Antwerp, Belgium, in addition to
> Renton, Washington." (3).
MIKE: (holding up a placard) And the Russian judge gives it a "3".
CROW/TOM: (making soft crowd cheering noises)
> A press release entitled Growing Globally
> tells of their international success.
CROW: I thought that was the title of the Dolly Parton biography...
> I was startled to read that there
> are more than 1/2 Billion Magic cards in circulation around the world
> with more to come. The company cannot keep up with the demand for the
> cards. There is such a demand for the cards that they are bought, sold,
> traded and even auctioned over the InterNet.
TOM: Ooooh! Guys! I got an idea!
MIKE/CROW: Yeah?
TOM: I'm gonna make Magic: The Gathering Beanie Babies! Think of the
market! Think of the collectible re-sale value!
CROW: ...Think of me retching violently...
MIKE: I dunno, Crow. Maybe Tom has a good idea here. Imagine a cute,
little stuffed "Sera Angel" or even a plush "Lord of the Pit".
CROW: Hmmm... Maybe...
MIKE: Just think of it! Everyone can have their own little
special-edition "Nalathni Dragons" perched on their shoulder!
CROW: Gamers and beanie-collectors will be knocking on your door day and night...
MIKE: You'll be incredibly popular...!
(TOM pauses, shuddering)
TOM: Uh, on second thought...
> Now, lest you think we are
> talking pennies, I have seen bids on cards from $50 to $100.
MIKE: That's for sure... My 1975 Topps Nolan Ryan cost me at least $75!
> I have
> heard report of cards bringing $200 and more.
TOM/CROW: (singing) Where'd ya go, Joe DiMaggio...?
MIKE: (sighing wistfully) Joltin' Joe has left and gone away...
> For $1500 you can buy the
> Unlimited Series set and for $1000 the Legends series. Need I say more?
ALL: (decisively) No.
> "Magic continues to grow and is quickly becoming recognized as one of
> the most elaborate strategy games in history."(1/5)
CROW: Hey! He said more!
TOM: Foul!
>
> -------------
>
> THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE GAME
>
> The root idea for the game came from Peter Adkison. You might say
> Adkison is a preacher's kid because his father was an Army chaplain.
TOM: (singing) He's just the son of a preacher-man...
> But
> his mind was not on the things of the Lord.
CROW: No, Mr. Adkison had a life.
MIKE: Uh, Crow... Pete Adkison was a gamer.
CROW: Well, uh, I guess I withdraw my last comment.
> "While in high school he
> developed a fascination with role-playing games, such as Dungeons and
> Dragons, and began developing his own games." (3) He organized a small
> gaming company that he ran out of his basement called Wizards of the
> Coast and he began marketing fantasy role playing games.
TOM: He called his basement "Wizards of the Coast"?
MIKE: Throw Momma from the train, a kiss, Tom...
TOM: Hunh?
>
> That's where Dr. Richard Garfield, professor of combinational math comes
> in. He too was a fantasy role-playing enthusiast.
CROW: Thus making his corruption obvious and indelible.
> He met with Peter over
> a pizza in Portland, Oregon,
TOM: (as Richard Garfield) It took me weeks to get the cheese out of my Reeboks.
> to try to get him to produce the fantasy
> role playing game, RoboRally.
CROW: (in a Marlon Brando voice) I got an offer ya can't refuse...
MIKE: Considering that RoboRally is a board game and not a Fantasy RPG,
Peter wasn't impressed with Richard's sales pitch...
> Peter was not interested but said, "he
> really saw a need for a game that could be played quickly with minimal
> equipment, a game that would go over well at conventions." (2/4)
TOM: In short: Crack for gamers...
> He
> suggested the concept for a fantasy card game and asked Garfield if he
> thought he could develop the game.
MIKE: But he just rolled around in his lasagna and punched-out Odie.
> The rest is gaming history.
CROW: (in his Peter Graves voice) I'm Peter Graves. Thanks for joining
us here on "Biography".
>
> -------------
>
> THE EVIL OF MAGIC: THE GATHERING
TOM: The new novel by Salman Rushdie.
CROW: Infidel!
>
> I see at least four major problems with this game.
CROW: 1. I didn't create it...
TOM: 2. It requires imagination and strategic thinking...
MIKE: 3. It's yet another threat to my theological insecurities...
TOM: 4. the voices in my head told me it was bane of all mankind.
> These conspicuous
> problems cause me to urge people neither to collect these cards nor play
> the game --
>
> 1) The primary focus on the occult
CROW: (in an Austin Powers voice) Yeah baby, yeah! Stay in focus! Th'
supernatural loves ya, baby!
>
> 2) The violent nature of the game
MIKE: Unlike Football, Boxing or Soccer...
>
> 3) The addictive nature of the game
CROW: Oh man... I need a fix.
TOM: Yeah, well Tommy 'ere 'as a "Benalish Hero" for ya... Tommy looks
out f'r his friends...
CROW: A...a "Benalish Hero"? C'mon, I need an "Icy Manipulator" at least!
TOM: Sorry bud, all ya can afford is a "'Hero"... Maybe a few forests.
>
> 4) The identification of the players with evil characters.
CROW: Who? Fred Phelps?
>
> -------------
>
> The Occult Focus & Violence Of The Game
MIKE: They're two -yes- *two* sins in one!
>
> The Bible makes it clear in both the Old and New Testaments that occult
> practices are an abomination to the Lord.
TOM: But I thought that "Occult" only meant "hidden" or "secret".
CROW: So secrets are an abomination unto God? Wow. Better tell us
where you've been hiding the macaroons, Mike.
TOM: Quick!
CROW: Before you get smited!
MIKE: (chuckling) Nice try fellahs. But that's one secret I'm keeping.
TOM: Darn.
CROW: (softly) I want a macaroon...
> Deuteronomy 18:10-12 There
> shall not be found among you any... that useth divination, or an
> observer of times,
MIKE: ...nor be an observer of "the Post", "Enquirer", "U.S. News &
World Report" or "the Minneapolis Star/Tribune"...
> or an enchanter, or a witch, 11 Or a charmer,
TOM: Well, that lets out Shannen Doherty, Holly Marie Combs and Alyssa Milano.
> or a
> consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer. 12 For
> all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD:
CROW: Gee, there sure are a lot of things in God's Creation that are an
abomination unto Him.
TOM: Wouldn't you think He'd have had the foresight *not* to create such
things in the first place?
MIKE: Guys, you're looking at this the wrong way. If you just think of
God as a fussy artist who's never satisfied with His work, it all makes sense...
CROW/TOM: Hmmmm...
CROW: Hey...
TOM: Yeah!
>
> Another scripture passage that points out just how seriously God views
> the occult and wizardry is Acts 13:10. The Apostle Paul indicts Elymas
> the sorcerer with these words -- O full of all subtlety (deceit) and all
> mischief (maliciousness), thou child of the devil, thou enemy of all
> righteousness, wilt thou not cease to pervert the right ways of the Lord?
CROW: Hmmm... Why does this "Elymas" sound familiar? Deceitful ...
malicious ... enemy of all righteousness.
MIKE: Well, remember Mr. Bynum from "Gay?"? He had "E" as his first initial...
CROW: (shouting) THAT'S IT!
>
> The fact is, we should not mimic things that are an abomination to the
> Lord.
TOM: But feel free to deride, mock and ridicule them!
> No one should even pretend to be a child of the devil, an enemy of
> righteousness.
CROW: Take heed and repent, Linda Blair!
> When they do, they pervert the acceptable ways of the Lord!
>
> Perhaps you are wondering, are Magic cards really occult oriented? Read
> this quote carefully --
MIKE: Whoa... Let me get my glasses here. (He bends over for a second
and then sits back up again.) Hey, I can't see anything!
TOM: (sighing) Mike, did you put on your rose-colored glasses again?
(MIKE takes a pair of glasses off of his face, examining them.)
MIKE: Uh, yeah, I guess I did.
TOM: Mike, haven't you learned anything yet? Those glasses won't let
you see anything clearly; just pleasant, nice and un-painful things...
(They all pause.)
CROW: Give 'em here! (he lunges at MIKE who holds them high)
TOM: No me! Me!
MIKE: No, no... I think I'll hang on to them if you don't mind.
TOM: (sobbing) But I want to read something nice for a change...
MIKE: Maybe later, Tom. (he puts the glasses away)
> "Unlike Dungeons and Dragons, which became an
> infamous tool for occultists, Magic has not developed an outside
> mythology.
(All break down laughing)
TOM: (sputtering) Oh, I can see it now, devotees of the occult arts
world-wide toss aside their copies of "The Golden Bough" for the
"Dungeon Master's Guide"!
CROW: (in a TV-announcer/Dianetics voice) How can I gain experience and skill?
MIKE: Player's Handbook, page 88.
CROW: (still in the same voice) How can I find my way when lost?
MIKE: D.M.G., page 128.
CROW: (still in the same voice) What kind of dragon spits acid?
MIKE: Monstrous Manual, page 65.
TOM: Read "Dungeonetics" by L.Ron Gygax. Take control of your so-called "life".
(they all laugh)
MIKE: (recovering) Claire Danes played "D & D"?
> 'This draws on the milieu, the fantasy of Dungeons and
> Dragons' says Richard Garfield, the creative impetus behind Magic..." '4
>
> The Washington Post, pulls no punches when it says unequivocally that
> Dungeons and Dragons was an "infamous tool for occultist." Why? Because
TOM: ...it sells papers.
> D&D derived its story line, symbols and characters from the occult and
> Pagan mythology.
CROW: I guess that means that Tolkien, C.S. Lewis and Hans Christian
Anderson had nothing to do with it.
> But Magic: The Gathering™ developer Adkison does not
> think his game has that problem. Why?
MIKE: Well, apart from it not really *being* a problem...
> Because he has gone to D&D for his
> story line, symbols and characters but not the "real" occult. What is he
> thinking?
TOM: (in a mother-like tone of voice) Young man, what *were* you thinking?!!
> Though he has a Ph.D. in combinational math, his reasoning is
> flawed. Since D&D is based on the occult and is a tool of occultist,
MIKE: ...if you buy that argument in the first place...
> then Magic cards will be equally a tool for occultists because they are
> based on the occult also, the second generation occult data of D&D.
CROW: Ohhh! Tom! Tom! I'll trade you my "Lesser Banishing Ritual" for
your "Pillar of Lights"!
TOM: I dunno Crow... How about you throw in the "Crowley Synopsis Of
The Qabbalah" too?
CROW: Yeah, right! You just don't want me summoning my "Lord of the
Pit" anymore...
TOM: Hey, you give some, you get some...
> After reading two books about the game, watching the game being played,
> reading numerous news articles and reading scores of Internet E-Mail
> messages on the game, there is no doubt in my mind that Magic cards
> promote the occult and violence.
MIKE: Y'know, after reading two pages by this author, watching the
actions taken by those who believe his article and reading numerous
posts from the confused and bewildered Magic players who've encountered
this rant, there is no doubt in my mind that "Beware Magic The
Gathering" promotes blind religious dogma...
> Just a word about God's view of
> violence -- GOD HATES THOSE WHO PROMOTE VIOLENCE.
TOM: (in a deep, God-like voice) They should be cast down and crushed
without mercy!
> Look at Psalms 11:5
> The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth
> violence his soul hateth. Let's look at some more of the evidence.
CROW: Let's not, and say we did, Ok?
>
> Georiga Pabst of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel writes,
MIKE: "Blue Ribbon is a refreshing, full-bodied lager..."
> "Magic: The
> Gathering takes place in the mystical multiverse of Dominia where
> players become mighty wizards and, armed with beautifully illustrated
> cards of various creatures, artifacts and lands, cast spells and
> enchantment aimed at killing off the opponent." 3 (emphasis added)
MIKE: Emphasis? Hunh?
>
> Georgia, in the above concise statement, hits the nail on the head.
CROW: She sure does!
MIKE/TOM: Hunh?
CROW: Well, the cards *are* beautifully illustrated...
MIKE/TOM: Ooooohhh!
MIKE: I don't think that's the head of the proverbial nail that Mr.
Brown is talking about, Crow.
> Every player is a wizard or sorcerer and the goal is to build up enough
> magic energy to kill your opponent.
TOM: Oh, much better than the philosophy behind "Monopoly"!
MIKE: Hunh?
TOM: (exasperated) Monopoly: build up a financial empire, gouge your
clients to the poorhouse and dance on their financial graves caused by
foreclosure and mortgages!
CROW: Better to lead a life of pointless, poverty-stricken misery than
die happy!
TOM: It's the American way...
> Here's how it works according to the
> instruction book that comes with the cards --
CROW: First, declare your undying servitude and worship to the Dark Master.
> "There are two basic types
> of cards: spells and lands. Lands are easy to spot; they say 'land' in
> between the picture and the text box.
TOM: You might also notice the large, card-dominating image of a landscape.
> Lands are the most common kind of
> card in Magic, since they usually provide the mana, or magical energy,
> for all your spells. You can lay out one land per turn, and you may use
> the land for mana as soon as it is in play." 5/5 Now, how do you kill
> your opponent?
MIKE: I dunno; force them to read this article until their eyes bleed?
CROW: Mike!
MIKE: (confused) What?
CROW: Oh, nothing. I've just always wanted to say that...
MIKE: (slowly) Oh... Okay.
> Aimee Miller of the Washington Post wrote, "The rules of
> the game are simple: Each player starts with 20 'lifepoints.' You gain
> lifepoints by casting beneficial spells from land cards. You lose
> lifepoints when attacked by nasty creatures and charms. If you run out
> of lifepoints, you're exiled, which is a polite way of saying your dead.
TOM: I thought the euphemism was "Terminated With Extreme Prejudice"?
CROW: Welcome to the nineties, Tom.
> Players stay alive by annihilating their opponents first." 4 She goes on
> to say, "Want to crush your opponent in under five minutes? Stack the
> deck with deadly and destructive black and red Magic cards". 4 (emphasis
> added)
CROW: Aimee Miller sure seems to be a master at strategy.
TOM: I'd have *never* thought of that myself!
MIKE: Come on guys, she's just a journalist who was looking for an
angle. It's not her fault she doesn't really understand the game.
CROW/TOM: (in dejected monotones) We're sorry.
MIKE: I'm more concerned about the continual "emphasis added"
statements. What emphasis?
TOM: Doctor F must've stripped those out accidentally when he shipped
this up here.
MIKE: Oh, you mean the words "stack the deck" were probably underlined
or something?
TOM: (sighing) Or something...
>
> That brings me to the Mana (magical energy) Chart explaining the
> different kinds of Magic and how they can be used.
CROW: Oh, I've seen this one! Penn & Teller did it first!
MIKE: Then just applaud politely when he's done explaining it.
>
> Black Magic is identified as the magic of death.
TOM: (in Grandpa Simpson's voice) Deeeeeaaaaath!
> Let me share with you
> two quotes from the book, Mastering Magic Cards. "The magic of death is
> often a double-edged sword, however, malevolent to its wielder as well
> as its victim.
CROW: (in a dreamy, Doug Henning-like voice) The magic of death is
mysterious and magical! With sparklies and rainbows and whiskers-on-kittens...!
> Few people summon the awesome might of the Lord of the
> Pit without being ready to sacrifice their very worldly existence to
> wield its incredible power..." 1/30
TOM: Which, when taken out of context like this, sounds pretty menacing.
> The second quote -- "A black
> necromancer wields the sacrifice, particularly the Dark Ritual Cards" 1/30
MIKE: I'll bet Ozzy Ozborne just loves this game.
>
> Blue Magic is mental in nature and taps "the elemental forces of air and
> water." Friends, lest you think this is harmless let me tell you that
> occultists believe in and seek to tap into the power of what they call
> Sylphs (elemental spirits of the air). They believe that Lucifer
> empowers air spirits.
TOM: Say, did he just call Lucifer an air-head?
CROW: (in a valley-girl accent) Lahk, Oh-mah-Gawd! Flay me with a pitchfork!
MIKE: (chuckling) I think it could be better interpreted as "Lucifer blows"...
TOM: Geez, Mike! You're behaving like *such* a child!
CROW: We're going to have to give you a "time-out" unless you behave...
> That is interesting in light of Ephesians 2:2
> Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world,
> according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now
> worketh in the children of disobedience:.
TOM: Translation: The old God of the air now lives in the hearts of
children everywhere.
CROW: Really? Cool!
> The truth is, the elemental
> spirits that occultists claim to communicate with, whether they be air,
> water, earth or fire spirits are demons from Satan's diabolical horde.
CROW: So ancient, Greek philosophers were actually Satanists for their
part in developing the four elements concept?
> I
> have personally interviewed a real witch who says she invokes earth
> spirits known as trolls (really demons) to assist her in her rituals.
MIKE: She was decked out in crystals and called herself "Elf-Song".
> (See my pamphlet The Truth About Trolls for more information). Magic
> cards is conditioning children to be receptive to paganism.
TOM: (in an ominous tone) Magic The Gathering: gateway drug for the occult.
>
> Green Magic draws energy from the forest and has vast destructive
> capabilities.
CROW: Just like the Brazilian logging industry!
> Green or Ecological magic is in fact one of the most
> popular forms of witchcraft today.
MIKE: Darn those spell-casting environmentalists! They're diabolical!
>
> Red Magic is the destructive magic of earth, fire, chaos and war.
> Chaotic magic is practiced by many today. There are Internet sights
> devoted solely to this diabolical from of magic.
TOM: (snickering) Yeah, ever since TSR came up with "Chaos Magic" in
their rule books, every kid wanting to shock their parents has taken it up.
CROW: You think the founders of "The Golden Dawn" are rolling over in
their graves right about now?
>
> White Magic is used for protection, healing injuries and chivalrous war.
> Wiccans claim to practice only this "good" kind of magic. I know that is
> not true. I have copies of curses that "good witches" have spit out
> against Christians.
CROW: So, not having had his fill of offending gamers, he now decides to
go after the Wiccans?
TOM: Well, if they can literally spit curses...
MIKE: (groaning) Don't give him ideas, Tom. He might decide to write a
treatise on the arcane properties of Wiccan saliva...
> And let me remind you that occult magic in any form
> is derived from Satan and his diabolical horde.
MIKE: Somehow, it's hard for me to picture Silver Ravenwolf, Starhawk or
Scott Cunningham hanging out with a 'diabolical horde'.
CROW: Well, if they hung out with the "700 Club"...
MIKE: I don't think that's very probable, Crow.
>
> Likely there are those who will protest, What's the big deal?
ALL: What's the big deal?!!
> It's only
> a game!
ALL: It's only a game!!
> Listen,
TOM: Uh-oh.
CROW: Sounds like he's gonna tell us off...
MIKE: Brace for impact!
> games are powerful tools for capturing the minds of
> children.
TOM: Then the Mi-Go take them and put them in jars on Pluto.
> Games point the thinking of those who play them in a definite
> direction and if that direction is not a wholesome direction, there can
> be problems.
CROW: Why, the evils of "Candyland" alone are legion!
> Listen to who is playing the game and what it is doing to
> them --
(all pause, as if waiting...)
>
> -------------
>
TOM: (singing) Listen... To the Sounds ... of Silence...
> The Addictive Nature of The Game
>
> "Magic addicts range from kindergartners to middle-aged professionals --
> the game's a favorite pastime for Microsoft employees.
MIKE: Ok, so maybe it *is* a tool of evil...
> They also include
> a substantial number of female players in addition to the 'teenage',
> white male boys" Renee Shallis of Wizards of the Coast. 4
TOM: Don't you think that the author might be shooting his own argument
in the foot here?
MIKE/CROW: Hunh?
TOM: I mean what better way to get lonely, horny teenagers to do
something than by telling them that teenage girls enjoy it too?
MIKE: Hmmm... Good point.
>
> "Originally targeted to males in their teens and early 20s, Magic now
> has younger children playing ..."
CROW: Ga-ga-goo!
TOM: Ohhhhh... Isn't that cute? It's Baby's First Starter Deck!
>
> "After the printing of Fallen Empires, there exists over 1,000 cards,
> and no one can claim to own all of them.
MIKE: (in an ominous voice) You can't eat just one.
> Many of the veteran addicts are
> familiar with each and every one and can recite their name, abilities,
> casting costs, and color with no reference to aid them;" 1/5
CROW: I guess this means that sports fans must be evil too...
MIKE: Well, at least the ones who collect Baseball cards.
TOM: No, they're just misguided.
>
> "The game has literally captured the imaginations of thousands and taken
> on a life of its own." 1/3 That is a major problem. When anyone becomes
> preoccupied with thoughts that are an abomination to the Lord God
> Almighty there is going to be trouble.
TOM: Right here in River-city!
MIKE: (sounding impressed) Nice Robert Preston, Tom...
TOM: Why, thank you!
> According to 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
> we must reject thoughts that are contrary to God's word, and bring into
> captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. If a person refuses
> to do that Romans 1:21 reveals the consequences --
MIKE: They become guests on the Jerry Springer show?
> Because that, when
> they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but
> became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
TOM: (singing as Billy Ray Cyrus) Don't break my heart; my foolish,
darkened-heart... You know I love the Lord so much...
> A darkened heart is serious business!
CROW: You bet it is! It'll let me sacrifice a forest for 3 black Mana...
>
> Let me issue a solemn warning to parents, Magic: The Gathering is
> dangerous because it conditions the minds of the players to be receptive
> to the occult and violence and those who really get into it become
> addicted.
MIKE: So don't let drugs or gangs distract you, the real danger facing
kids today is Magic: The Gathering!
> It becomes the focus of their lives.
MIKE: Unlike, say, Sports or Religion...
>
> There is one final issue I want to deal with. That is --
CROW: ...Hemorrhoids!
>
> -------------
>
> The Identification of Players With Evil Characters
TOM: Yeah, those "Samite Healers" are a corrupt and bad influence!
MIKE: I sure wouldn't want *my* children to identify with them!
>
> Many of those who play Magic cards identify mentally with the Sorcerer
> they choose to play. That is dangerous. Consider these quotes --
CROW: "Four Score and Seven Years Ago..."
MIKE: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself..."
TOM: "Read my lips..."
>
> "Part of the game's appeal comes from 'the ability to develop a
> character -- you get to be somebody else,' says Garfield...In Magic the
> deck you put together reflects your character -- your persona." 4
CROW: Hey Mike, does the author mean that I can dabble in the Occult if
it's part of my true nature?
MIKE: Well Crow, that's a pretty deep question. I suppose that depends
on what religion you are.
CROW: Well, I worship the All-Mighty Dollar!
TOM: (butting in) ...sounds plausible to me...
MIKE: (sounding confused) What kind of Occult Arts are associated with that?
CROW: (snickering) Surely you've heard of ... voodoo economics? (chuckle)
(TOM and MIKE groan)
MIKE: Tom, remind me to have Pearl send us a transcript of Ronald
Reagan's Inaugural Address, Ok?
CROW: Hey! I was only joking!
MIKE: You should have thought about that before you punned, Crow.
>
> "...Magic is closer to role playing than any other card or board game I
> know of." 2/17
TOM: With the possible exception of Gnip-Gnop.
>
> The best thing you can do, in my opinion, with Magic: The Gathering is
> to follow Acts 19:19-20 Many of them also which used curious arts
> (occult materials)
MIKE: Y'know, you'd think that if his argument were so strong, he
wouldn't have to insert clarifications into his Biblical quotes.
TOM: But Mike, how else is the non-enlightened public going to know that
"curious arts" is the same thing as "dark, evil items of the occult"?
> brought their books together, and burned them before
> all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand
> pieces of silver. 20 So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed.
CROW: So, burn your books, cards and miniatures, holding up the Bible
for justification as your parents lecture you about how much it all cost them.
MIKE: (in a fatherly tone) Junior! Why did you burn up all your Magic
cards that your Mother and I bought for you?!
TOM: (in a kid's voice) Yahweh made me do it...
>
> Ephesians 5:11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of
> darkness, but rather reprove them.
MIKE: Reprove the "unfruitful works of darkness"? Condemn "My Little Pony"?
>
> -------------
>
> Postscript -- Other fantasy card games & POGS
ALL: (incredulously) "POGS"?!!
>
> Because Magic cards "struck gold" there are now more than a dozen new
> fantasy card games that have been introduced. Many of them add another
> element you need to be warned of, that is SENSUALITY. In my opinion
> women are portrayed in pornographic or near pornographic fashion.
MIKE: Of course, to this fellow, anything shy of head-to-toe robes and a
veil would probably be 'pornographic'.
TOM: And we *all* know that women should never have sexual thoughts or ideas...
> In
> fact, as I ready this research report for the printer, I talked to a New
> York attorney, who is researching Magic cards.
MIKE: Oh, she is? Y'know, I bet that whenever her boss comes by her
desk, she's "researching" another "Friends" or "ER" web site.
> She has nearly 1000 of
> them. She told me that there are definitely cards that are sensual and
> portray women in pornographic poses. Other fantasy card games include --
> SPELLFIRE™,
TOM: The card game that revolutionized the industry!
CROW: How so?
TOM: It bankrupted TSR to the point where Wizards could buy them...
> GUARDIANS™, HIGHLANDER™,
CROW: There can be only one!
> WYVERN™, VAMPIRE™, BloodWars™,
ALL: Ewwwww!
TOM: Tremble before the might of my A-B-positive!
CROW: Uh, I tap my low blood-sugar to block!
> SHADOWFIST™, HYBORIAN GATES, RAGE COMBAT, TOWERS IN TIME™, On the
> Edge/ARCANA,
CROW: Hey! That one's not trademarked! Dibs! Dibs!
> EVERWAY™ just to name the ones that I have researched.
>
> I should say a few words about Pogs (also called milk caps).
TOM: (in a dopey, comical tone) I can never get the safety seals off my
dairy deliveries in the morning! What's with that? And how about those
child-proof caps? Don't get me started!
> I am
> concerned about pogs for the following reasons. First, many of them have
> occult symbols on them. Some of them have drawings of pagan gods and
> goddesses.
CROW: Like "Nike", for instance.
TOM: Swoosh!
> Many are death oriented, containing drawings of skulls,
> skeletons, etc. I have seen some that are sensual. Others have
> shamanistic figures on them or witches.
MIKE: Ooops! I *thought* it was too early for him to have given up on
insulting the Wiccans.
> But, there are many that have
> sports figures on them or even Hollywood stars.
TOM: Sir John Gielgud?!!
CROW: (shuddering) The horror ... the horror...
> Even if your child
> collects only the good pogs, if he trades them with others, he will be
> exposed to the bad ones.
TOM: And, heaven-forbid, you might actually have to talk to your
children about right and wrong.
> Do you want that exposure?
CROW: Great, now he's sounding like a sleazy guy hanging out in the
airport Men's room.
> Second, The QVC home
> shopping channel announcer made the following announcement attributing
> it to an organization called the Pog World Federation --
MIKE: And if it's said on QVC, it's gotta be true!
> Every stack of
> pogs has its own aura.
(All of them start laughing.)
> You concentrate on your ch'i. That is alarming
> because auras are rooted in Hindu beliefs and the ch'i is rooted in
> Taoism.
TOM: (recovering) I...Isn't it more alarming that Mr. Brown believes
that pogs have auras?
> Both have occult implications. Basically they are saying pogs
> have their own energy or life force and so do the players. To win you
> need to connect the two. That is the occult doctrine of pantheism.
CROW: And here I thought it was the Kindergarten doctrine of having a
good time...
> Finally, there is the element of gambling that concerns me. Do you want
> your child playing pogs "for keeps" as we used to say in marbles? I do
> not believe gambling glorifies God.
MIKE: (like a carnival barker) All right! I got a soul here on Red!
Soul on red! Spin the wheel Crow!
CROW: Ohhhh... Too bad; Black! You forfeit eternal salvation!
TOM: Too bad Nelson, better luck next life...
MIKE: Oh, darn it...
>
> -------------
>
> REFERENCE MATERIAL USED
CROW: Used, abused and discarded like cheap underwear.
>
> 1. Mastering Magic Cards; George H. Baxter & Larry W. Smith, Ph.D.;
> Wordware Publishing, Inc., Plano, Texas.
>
> 2. The Magic The Gathering -- Pocket Players' Guide; Wizards of the
> Coast, Renton, Washington.
TOM: Oh, I bet Wizards of the Coast is *so* proud to have been quoted in
this article right about now...
>
> 3. Success of fantasy sci-fi card game is magical; by Georgia Pabst;
MIKE: Cousin of Illinois Miller...
TOM: Niece of Tennessee Coors...
> Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, August 6, 1995.
>
> 4. Under the Spell of 'Magic' by Aimee Miller; Washington Post; 7-27-94.
>
> 5. Magic: The Gathering -- Deckmaster's Instruction book that comes with
> the cards.
CROW: Hey, Brown missed his opportunity to show the relationship between
"Deckmaster" and "Dungeon Master"!
TOM: I'm sure he'll get around to it in his next update...
>
> A notation on my footnote numbering system: When you see numbers like
> 2/17, the first number represents the reference material used and the
> second number indicates the page number.
MIKE: Well, thanks for clearing that up here at the *end* of your rant...
(MIKE picks up TOM and starts heading out.)
>
> -------------
CROW: Y'know guys, this gives me an idea...
(They leave the theater.)
(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(SOL. The bots are sitting at the console playing 'Magic: The
Gathering' atop a black tablecloth. A skull sits to one side next to a
lit candelabra. Spooky music is playing in the background with sound
effects of lightning. In the center of their card-layout, is the cube
from "Hellraiser".)
CROW: Ok, so if I read the fine-print on this "Greater Werewolf" and
place him next to my "Sun Stone", that should just about do it...
TOM: Cool, Crow! Should I use my "Zuran Orb" yet?
CROW: Naw... I think you'd better wait. Just in case we need it after
the summoning.
TOM: Okay!
(MIKE walks by in the foreground, reading the S.O.L. technical manual,
and nods to the two bots.)
MIKE: Hey guys.
CROW/TOM: Hey Mike.
(MIKE walks off-camera as CROW continues.)
CROW: Ok, here we go... Tapping "The Lord of the Pit"... (he taps a
card in front of him with his beak.)
(A huge puff of white smoke erupts between TOM and CROW just behind the
table. When it clears, PITCH the devil has appeared, wearing an apron
and chef's hat, holding a wooden spoon that's covered in beaten eggs.)
PITCH: What th'...?
CROW/TOM: It worked!
CROW: I summoned the devil!
TOM: Cool!
PITCH: Great, not again... (looking annoyed at CROW) *You* summoned me?
CROW: (becoming a bit cowed) Uh, well... Yeah.
PITCH: (sighing) Great. That's just wonderful. Do you know I was
right in the middle of making a souffle?
CROW: Well, gee... I'm sorry.
TOM: We didn't know...
PITCH: (pulling off his hat in a huff) That's what all the Magic gamers
say... "It was an honest mistake!" Well, I guess you'll have to pay
the price, just like the rest of 'em! Interrupting me while I'm cooking
has got to be worth at least, oh say, *partial* damnation...
(PITCH starts to gesture at them as MIKE comes running in.)
MIKE: (frantically) Crow! Tom! What on earth are you... (he sees
PITCH) Yaaah!
PITCH: (puts his hands on his hips) Oh great, is this joker involved too?
MIKE: What's *he* doing here?!
PITCH: (poking MIKE in the chest) Look, buddy, they summoned me up!
And now, for their insolence, they have to come with me back to the
fiery depths!
CROW: You're going to take us to Hell?!!
PITCH: (confused) No, I'm putting you to work in Pearl's kitchen...
CROW/TOM: (frantically) Save us, Mike! Save us!
MIKE: Well, uh...
PITCH: "Pitch".
MIKE: Fine. Pitch. Mr. Pitch, uh, perhaps we could work something
out... A favor or a trade or something...?
PITCH: Naw, I don't think so. Y'see, ever since those religious nuts
started telling kids how to summon the Powers of Darkness with their
Magic Decks, I've been getting all kinds of crackpot calls; really
screws up my day. So, basically, I decided that I have to start coming
down hard on these interlopers; they need to know that the powers of
evil are not to be trifled with! Well, at least when I'm busy...
(MIKE nods a bit and picks up the Hellraiser cube idly.)
MIKE: (slowly) Well, I suppose you gotta have standards...
PITCH: You know it. These kids today...! With their rock music and
their Dungeons & Dragons...
CROW: Mike! What are you doing?
TOM: Yeah, we're getting scared here, Mike...
MIKE: (turning the box over and over in his hands, nodding) Oh, don't I
know it! These two are a real handful, I can tell you! But -tell me-
what would you say if I told you I could help you get back a soul that
has already escaped you?
PITCH: (chuckling and holding up his palm) Please, talk to the hand...
I've seen "Hellraiser".
MIKE: Oh, no... I'm serious!
(PITCH pauses, stroking his chin slowly.)
PITCH: Oh? Go on...
(The red lights flash, and MIKE -with a smile to the camera- taps them.)
(Castle. The ghost of DR.F is in the foreground staring at PEARL who's
standing just behind him, telling off a tall, black-robed figure.)
PEARL: Ok, Mr. "This-is-your-future-and-it-sucks", I've just about had
it up to *here* with your high-and-mighty silent treatment! (She pokes
the robed man in the chest with one finger) Either you turn your
little, skeletal butt around and high-tail it outta here, or
Mother-Of-Pearl is gonna have t' show ya how we do things downtown!
DR.F: (aghast) Mother! Show some respect! That's the Ghost of
Christmas Future!
PEARL: Yeah? Well he's gonna be the Ghost of Intense Pain if he doesn't
back off!
(PEARL pushes the robed figure back over the arm of an over-stuffed
chair, revealing that the "Ghost of Christmas Future" is really just the
OBSERVER in a black, hooded robe.)
OBSERVER: Oh, my! Uh, Pearl; now this isn't exactly what it looks like...
PEARL: (slowly) Brain Guy...? (she looks towards DR.F.) So if he's
not really the Jerk of Christmas Future ... then...
DR.F: Well, I should really be going now, Mother. Nice to have seen you
and all... (he starts to back away from her nervously.) Time to get
back to my suffering and eternal punishment...
PEARL: (grabbing DR.F by the arm as he tries to leave) Wait one second
there, Clayton! (she licks a finger and runs it down DR.F's face,
wiping off a streak of the powder that's coating him. She tastes it and scowls.)
DR.F: (nervously) Y'know now, Mother, it seems to me that you're cured!
No chance of you becoming a disembodied wraith such as myself. I'll be
going now...
PEARL: (still scowling) This is baking flour... (she licks her finger
again) You tried to trick me with BAKING FLOUR!!!
(PEARL grabs DR.F by his ear and yanks him forward, holding him there.)
DR.F: Aaargh! Leggo!
PEARL: Ok, sonny-boy... What's the poop? And make it snappy; because
I've had a real bad day here...
OBSERVER: (getting up slowly) Uh, I'll just leave you two to squabble
in peace...
PEARL: Can it, Casper! You are *so* dead! (OBSERVER sits down
immediately; cowed)
DR.F: Well, Mother, you see... I ... I found a -well- a backdoor out of
my eternal damnation, an' me and a-hundred-and-twelve others escaped.
(he gulps) I ... I managed to reconstruct my body here and -uh- come
back to life to ... to -uh- visit with you...
PEARL: "Visit"?
DR.F: (sighing) Ok, "kill"...
PEARL: (nodding slowly) That's better. (she pauses, thinking) "Come
back to life", eh? So this whole "ghost" thing was just a way for you
to get revenge on your own Mother eh? (DR.F nods, ashamed) Even after
I carried on your experiments? Even after I subjected Mike and the bots
to crummy movies, Internet posts and Email spam? Even after I traveled
through space and time itself on your behalf, carrying out a crusade to
avenge your death?!
DR.F: But ... but it was *you* who killed me!
PEARL: Oh please! It was for your own good...
(A crash of thunder sounds in the distance and PITCH walks in from stage-right.)
PITCH: Ahhhh... Dr. Forrester. So nice to see you again!
(DR.F winces and tries to get behind PEARL.)
PEARL: Not now, Pitch. I'm busy with a very ungrateful little boy...
PITCH: Oh, this will only take a moment. Besides, why should *you* have
to dirty your hands with punishing him when others can do it for you?
PEARL: (looking perplexed) Because I like it?
DR.F: Mother, please!
PEARL: Hush, Clayton!
PITCH: Well, of course, of course... Who doesn't like a little pain and
torture? But seriously Pearl, I would be more than happy to take this
little burden off your hands and -say- throw in a few extra doomed souls
in the bargain?
DR.F: MOTHER!
PEARL: (smiling) Hmmmm... I always *could* use a few extra... Brain Guy!
(OBSERVER stands up abruptly.)
OBSERVER: Yes'm!
PEARL: Go plug yourself into Clayton's old Agony Booth; I need some time
alone with my son before he leaves...
OBSERVER: Immediately your malevolence! (he heads off-camera)
PITCH: Excellent! (he produces some papers) Just sign here for the delivery.
(PEARL scribbles on the bottom line.)
PEARL: Well, Clayton; I guess this is it then. I'll miss you in the
long-run, but for right now, I'm glad you'll be leaving.
DR.F: You can't be serious!
PEARL: Oh, pish-tush! Off with you now! And don't forget to write!
PITCH: (grabbing DR.F's ear and leading him off-camera) Come along now, Doctor...
DR.F: (as he's being led away) Noooooo! Mother, I'll get you for this
if it's the last thing I dooooooooo...!
PEARL: (muttering) In your dreams... (to the camera, in her normal
voice) Well, Mike, it seems as if we've had a Merry Christmas in July
after all. Clayton got his revenge, I got mine and Brain Guy's about to
get his! I guess good things *do* happen to rotten people! Knowing
that makes it all worthwhile in the end... Well, until next time
fellahs. Toodle-oo!
-----x-----
CREDITS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.
This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.
Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo,
TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy,
Cambot, Magic Voice, Pitch, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and other
specific contents are copyright (c) 1999 (currently) of Best Brains,
Incorporated and is used without permission as an act of parody. All
rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc., Teletubbies, Logos Inc., TSR or Wizards of
the Coast is intended or should be inferred.
(Keep Circulating The Tapes)
> These subtle depictions are no doubt intentional and
> parents are warned to be alert to these elements of
> the series.
Zocrith Dracon
Clam-I-Am soufle, andslowly rises to his feet::
That was Great! I'm supprised that no one's done that to some of our recent
troll posts! too bad mst3k is going off the air.
--
It is by caffiene alone I set my mind in motion
it is by the can of coke the thoughts aquire speed
the hands aquire shaking
It is by caffiene alone I set my mind in motion
Viashino cola ritual\\ Viashino battle preparation
Zocrith Dracon
Sylvan SilverNight wrote in message <36FB9D19...@visi.com>...