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MST3Kd: MAKE.MONEY.FAST

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Robert Everett Brunskill

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Oct 15, 1993, 1:04:41 AM10/15/93

This is a _new_ mystification of a chain letter that was circulated
through the net over the summer. It was split into two parts because of
the length. Enjoy! --Rob

Gypsy: Pebj, V jnag lbh gb glcr n zrffntr sbe zr.
Crow: Gypsy, I really have no idea what you're saying?
Gypsy: V jnag gb fraq n zrffntr gb Evpuneq Onfrneg, V urneq ur whfg tbg
npprff gb gur argjbex.
Crow: I'm not understanding a word you say!
Gypsy: Pebj? Jul ner lbh orvat fb fghcvq?
Crow: Forget it, this is weird, I'm getting Joel. Joel!

Joel: What's wrong Crow?
Crow: Am I going mad? Or is Gypsy really unintelligible again?
Gypsy: Lbh haqrefgnaq zr, qba'g lbh Wbry?
Crow: See?
Joel: Oh, I know what happened. I was messing around with an 'ROT 13'
translator in a mail reader, and must have accidently crossed part of
the code to something else in the computer. I'll fix it soon.
Magic Voice: Pbzzrepvny fvta va gra frppbaqf...
Joel: I'll fix it now. Tom? Could you help me for a moment?

Tom: Url thlf! Jung'f hc?
Gypsy: Uv Gbz.
Joel: Nevermind.
Magic Voice: Pbzzrepvny fvta abj.
Crow: Well then, fix it to save yourself. I was infected with the
Babel Virus, and now you are too.

Joel: That should do it.
Gypsy: My, my, my.
Tom: Oh, it's nice to be able to talk again, to laugh again, to love again.
Magic Voice: Oh, please Tom.
Joel: There. No more bug. And out of curiosity, I typed in everyone's
name and encrypted it: I'm 'Wbry', Gypsy is 'Tlcfl', Cambot comes out
'Pnzobg', Magic Voice is 'Zntvp Ibvpr', Tom is 'Gbz', and Crow you're
'Pebj'. Look sharp, Qbpgbe Sbeerfgre is calling.
Tom: Hey, how does Frank's name come out?
Joel: Let's see, TV's Frank becomes... 'TV's Frank'??
Crow: Ner lbh npghnyyl qrpelcgvat guvf gb frr jung vf fnlf?

Dr.F: Oh, hello Joel, how are you today? ROTten, I hope. Well, the
truth is my doctor, actually me, since I'm my own doctor, told me I
needed some rest. He, uh, I, told myself to take a long vacation.
Unfortunately, I can't afford one, so I decided to just kick back a
while and let Frank run things here in Deep 13 for a while. Frank?

Frank: Hi there, if you're always on the go like I am, you need a
computer that you can carry around. Well, that exists already, so I
wasn't able to use that as an invention this week. Instead I took the
concept of the computer network, and made it portable. I call it 'TV's
Frank's Portable Internet, (as seen on TV)'. What I've done is taken
about twenty portable computers, plugged them all together, and set up a
unix host and/or server system running on each one. Now you can take
the information, education, and entertainment of a world-wide network
with you where ever you go!
Dr.F: Frank! Twenty computers? Who's going to carry that much weight?
Besides, how could twenty computers even match the size of something
like the Internet?
Frank: Well, obviously twenty computers can't dum, dum. That's why I
include the reel of over 1000 feet of cable to link to the nearest
network outlet. This invention is my ticket home! Big time, here I
come!
Dr.F: FRANK! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? That's the lamest idea I have
ever heard! I trying to relax all week! But with you around there's
always something!
Frank: Dr.F, your stress count is high! Maybe you should count to ten
while Joel shows his invention?
Dr.F: I'll try that! Up to you Joel!

Joel: Well sirs, I don't really have anything solid to show yet, but
I've been toying around with the ROT 13 code in most mail readers. I
just wanted to see if I could write an unbeatable encryption system. So
far I've worked out the algorithms for coding based on special keys set
by the sender and special decoding triggered automatically by the
receiver, and only the designated receiver. It uses a variety of
methods, such as invisible characters, and adding nonsense words to help
increase security. Well, if I went into to much detail about it, it
might ruin the security about it. Anyway, I have most of the actual
coding worked out, my only sticking point now is the moral and social
implications of having such a encryption scheme. I have also been
working out the possible impacts on the economy, technological
development, and espionage. I guess I really don't intend to release
this system to the public. I just wanted something to do.
Bots: Wow.

Dr.F: Ten! Ten Frank! Ten fingers around your neck! Oh! Joel! Uh,
yes, uhm, very good. I was just pointing out to Frank some flaws in his
invention. <Frank collapses from the weight of the computers.> As for
your post this week, it's a little something for making money, something
all of us could use more of. It's a chain letter, and not a very good
one. It circled the netnews boards a little while ago, and even cost
the poster his account. I'll forward it up to you now. Hmm. Maybe I
could invent some viable money-making scheme some time....

Crow: Good to be able to talk normally again. Be little more careful,
OK Joel?

Joel: Nu! Jr'ir tbg zrffntr fvta!

G...6...5...4...3...2...1...

In article <1993Jun8.1...@bmerh85.bnr.ca> rod...@bnr.ca (Roderick
Macdonald)

Crow: Had a farm.

writes:
>
>For those interested in making money

Joel: Sure! We all do!

> by managing a mailing list service:
>
>
>Dear Friend,

Tom: Anyone's friend in particular? Or just generally well disposed?

>
> My name is Dave Rhodes.

All: Hello Dave.

> In September 1988 my car was repossessed

Crow: Sorry Dave.

>and the bill collectors were hounding me like you wouldn't believe.

<Crow and Tom make barking noises.>
Joel: Big dogs. Jumping on my head.

> I was
>laid off and my unemployment cheques had run out.

Tom: They made some comment about not spelling something right on the
form, I don't know.
Joel: No, I think he's from England.
Crow: Oh? Well lookie what we have here boys! We got ourselves an alien!

> The only escape I had

Tom: Was through a small trap door, and into the ventilation system.
That night I was to board a boat just off the coast.

>from the pressure of failure was my Apple computer and my modem. I longed

Joel: For an IBM?

>to turn my advocation into my vocation.

Crow: What? Writing poor fiction? Sorry pal, Wood's dead.

>
> This January 1989

Tom: As opposed to how many other January 1989's?
Joel: January 1989 BC?
Crow: Well, he did mention that he had an Apple computer...

> my family and I went on a ten day cruise to the
>tropics.

Tom: And with some quick action the IRS was able to apprehend them
before they arrived at their first port of call.

> I bought a Lincoln Town Car for CASH

Joel: What a deal! Some guy named Vinny was in a parking lot selling it
for $50!

> in February 1989. I am
>currently building a home on the West Coast of Florida,

Tom: Because the bank foreclosed on my previous home.

> with a private
>pool,

Crow: That's not a pool! That's a puddle in the street out front!

> boat slip,

Joel: And that's an old, collapsed dock!

> and a beautiful view of the bay

Tom: Out all four sides of the box!

> from my breakfast room
>table and patio. I will never have to work again.

Tom: Because now _I_ eat the government cheese!

> Today I am rich! I
>have earned over $400,000.00 (Four Hundred Thousand Dollars)

Crow: Oh really? You're European, so I thought it might be just four hundred.
Joel: How much is that in pounds?
Tom: It depends on what denominations you use.
Crow: Oh.
Joel and Crow: Huh?!

> to date and
>will become a millionaire within 4 or 5 months.

Tom: And within one more month after that, I'll be in jail!

> Anyone can do the same.

Joel: Except for you in the cardboard box. Get out of here!

>This money making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I
>have NEVER failed to earn $50,000.00

Crow: How much is this? I need you to spell it out for me!

> or more whenever I wanted.

Tom: And the Government has never failed to put me back in the dog house
where I belong.

> Best of
>all you never have to leave

Crow: Your cell?

> home except to go to your mailbox or post
>office.

Joel: Well, I think I might consider going to the bank or store once in
a while.

>
> In October 1988,

Tom: This October 1988?
Crow: No, next October 1988.

> I received a letter in the mail telling me how I
>could earn $50,000 dollars

Crow: Okay, now we know what the currency is, but what's the numerical
amount???

> or more whenever I wanted.

Crow: I have to wear what?! I have to do what?! No way ya perv!

> I was naturally
>very skeptical and threw the letter

Tom: Into the flames of hell.

> on the desk next to my computer.

Joel: Close enough.

> It's
>funny though,

Crow: No, it isn't. Believe me. It isn't funny.

> when you are desperate, backed into a corner,

Tom: High on drugs, running from the law, suffering from malnutrition,
being forced to read McElwaine in your spare time, and trying to find
out the true question to life, the universe, and everything...

> your mind does
>crazy things. I spent a frustrating day looking through the want ads for
>a job with a future.

Crow: That proves it, this guy is _really_ out of touch with reality.

> The pickings were sparse at best.

Crow: Go figure! They all wanted at least a high school diploma!

> That night I
>tried to

Crow: Get a clue?

> unwind by booting up my Apple computer and calling several
>bulletin boards.

Joel: Asking if their computer was running, and then hanging up again.

> I read several of the message posts and than glanced at
>the letter next to the computer.

Tom: Uh oh...

> All at once it came to me,

Crow: Oh man, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Don't do it! Don't
you do it!

> I now had the
>key to my dreams.

Joel: And our nightmares!

>
> I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and
>enhance this money making formula into the most unbelievable cash flow
>generator that has ever been created. I substituted the computer bulletin
>boards in place of the post office and

Tom: Tried to put stamps on my screen.

> electronically did by computer what
>others were doing 100% by mail.

Crow: From jail.

> Now only a few letters are mailed
>manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin
>boards throughout the world.

Joel: Oh, _that's_ going to help foreign relations. Chain mail to Russia.

> If you believe that someday you deserve that
>lucky break that you have waited for all your life,

Crow: I think he means to say *I deserve* instead of *you deserve*.

> simply follow the
>easy instructions below.

Tom: Step one, mail money to me. Step two, mail more money to me. Step
three, repeat steps one and two.

> Your dreams will come true.

Joel: Oh, I doubt that.

>
> Sincerely yours,
>
> Dave Rhodes
>
>
>
> INSTRUCTIONS
>
>Follow these instructions EXACTLY,

Tom: UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT
Information is ENCOURAGED.

> and in 20 to 60 days

Crow: Can we get any less specific?

> you will have

Joel: I guarantee! A law suit as perfect as law suits can be!

>received well over $50,000.00 in

Tom: Fines.
Crow: He still hasn't stated how much that is.

> cash, all yours.

Crow: It's _my_ money! I swindled it fair and square!

> This program has
>remained successful because of the honesty and integrity of the
>participants.

<All burst out laughing.>
Tom: Oh, wow, Joel, this guy really can be funny!

> Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the
>instructions.

Tom: UN-altered REPRODUCTION and...
<Joel puts his hand on Tom>
Joel: That's enough of that.

>
>Welcome to the world of Mail Order!

Crow: Wait! A couple carriage returns and suddenly we're in a different
letter!

> This little business is a little

Tom: Lie?

>different than most mail order houses.

Crow: Yeah, those other guys are honest. Can you believe that?

> Your product is not solid and
>tangible, but rather a service.

Joel: And on top of that it's an intagible service as well.

> You are in the business of developing
>Mailing lists.

Crow: Oh, so I guess the phonebook isn't good enough for you?

> Many large corporations are happy to pay big bucks for
>quality lists.

Tom: Of suckers like me!

> (The money made from the mailing lists are secondary to the income
> which is make from people like yourself

All: We resent that!

> requesting that they be
> included in that list).
>

Crow: Wait a minute, if people spend so much time and effort trying to
get their names off of mailing lists, why are they going to _pay_ to get
on a new one?

>
>1) Immediately mail $1.00

Crow: Oh great, yet another monetary value to concern ourselves with!

> to the first 5 names listed below starting at
> number 1 through number 5. Send cash only please

Tom: In small, untraceable bills.

> (total
> investment is $5.00).

Crow: Total stupidity, is overwhelming.

> Enclose a note with each letter stating :

Tom: "Here is my money. Take it. I am stupid."

> "Please add my name to your mailing list."
> (This is a legitimate service that you are requesting and
> you are paying $1.00 for this service).
>
>2) Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list.

Joel: How about we remove the address too?
Crow: Better yet, the person.

> Move the other 9 names up one position.

Tom: Well I _really_ don't understand what he means by this???

> (Number 2 will become
> number 1 and number 3 will become number 2, etc...).

Tom: So _that's_ how it works! I think I understand now!

> Place your name, address and zip code (or postal code if Canadian)

Crow: Or credit card number if stupid.

> in the number 10 position.
>
>3) Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into
> 10 (Ten) separate bulletin boards

Joel: I see, standard McElwaine distribution.

> in the message base or to the
> file section, calling the file, MAKE.MONEY.FAST.

Tom: KICKED.OFF.THE.NET.EVEN.FASTER.

>
>4) Within 60 days you will receive over $50,000.00 in CASH.

Crow: Within sixty minutes you will no longer have a net address.

> Keep a
> copy of this file for yourself so that

Joel: The police will have proof.

> you can use it again and
> again whenever you need money. As soon as you mail out these
> letters you are automatically

Tom: Breaking numerous local server policies, and committing an enormous
breach f nettiquite.

> in the mail

Crow: Fraud?
> order business and

Joel: The government is breathing down your neck.

> people are sending you $1.00 to be placed on your mailing

Crow: Fraud.

> list.
> This list can then be rented to a list broker that can be found in

Tom: The bad part of town.

> the Yellow Pages for additional income on a regular basis. This
> list will become more valuable as it grows in size. This is a
> service. This is perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer
> to Title 18, Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the postal lottery laws.

Joel: Postal lottery? But I thought this was fraud?
Tom: It's only fraud it you promise them something.
Crow: Somehow I think postal bribery would work better. "Send me a
dollar or I'll put you on my mailing list."

>
> NOTE: Make sure you retain EVERY Name and Address sent to you,
> either on computer or hard copy, but do not discard the
> names and notes they send you.

Joel: Well, you _are_ supposed to be putting together a mailing list!

> This is PROOF that you are
> truly providing a service

Crow: Albeit a service that doesn't serve anyone.

> and should the IRS or some other
> Government Agency question you, you can provide them with
> this proof!

Tom: And they'll believe it no matter how flimsy it is.

>
>Remember as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
>followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation as a
>List Developer with one dollar each. Your name will move up the list
>geometrically so that when your name reaches the number 5 position you
>will be receiving thousands of dollars in cash.

Crow: Well, I don't quite see how that's supposed to work.

>
>
>1. Hector Diaz 95-10 Waltham St.

Joel: Ninety-five through ten? That guy owns the whole street! Maybe
this really does work!
Crow: Not!

> New York, N.Y., USA
> 11435
>
>2. Mark Durante 416 Doane Ave.
> Staten Island, N.Y., USA
> 10308
>
>3. Fredric Claude

Crow: Van Damme

> 23 Rue Berckmans

Tom: I rue the day I read this post.

> 1060 Brussels Belgium
>

All: Belgium, man! Belgium!

>4. Patrick Toohey 63-46 Pleasantview St.
> Middle Village, N.Y., USA
> 11379

Joel: 63 through 46, another full block.
>
>5. Matt Rings

Crow: Onion rings.
Tom: Diamond rings.
Joel: Ear rings.

4601 Pacific St.
> Omaha, NE, USA

Joel: Mutual of Omaha presents...

> 68106-2027
>
>6. Michael Miller 226 16 Ave.
> Council Bluffs, IA, USA
> 51503

Crow: Yeah? Well, this writer bluffs.

>
>7. Ed Stastny PO Box 241113
> Omaha, NE, USA
> 68124-1113
>
>8. Manof McBrown 18 Knightsbridge Rd., Apt.#701
> Bramalea, Ontario, Canada
> L6T 3X5

Joel: The Great White North, eh?
Crow: More like the great white lie.

>
>9. Nick Ali

Crow: I'm the greatest mailer of all time!

> 36 Alexandra Ave.,
> Waterloo, Ontario, Canada
> N2L 1L3

Tom: Why did he give his licence plate number?
Joel: Maybe he lives in his car.

>
>10. Rod MacDonald

Joel: Ronald McDonald!? No!

> 20 DeerField Dr., Apt. #209
> Nepean, Ontario, Canada
> K2G 4L2

Tom: Another licence plate.

>
>NOTE: Always double-check

Joel: Yeah, it's always a good idea to send two checks, in case one
doesn't make it there.

> the address you've written on the envelopes to
> make sure they match the list. Small errors could lead to
> improper delivery.
>

Crow: Yeah, you wouldn't want your letter going to someone who might
cheat you.
Joel: Come on guys, let's get out of here.

1...2...3...4...5...6...G...

Tom: This is the story of one man. The story of a man who worked
against the odds to find his way to wealth and happiness.
Crow: Hi there! I'm Don Dickweed Corleone.
Tom: Little did Don know that on this particular day, fate would come
knocking on his door.
Crow: I think I hear someone at the door! Come in!
Joel: Hi, I'm from First Fate National Bank. I'm here to collect on
your bills.
Crow: But I have no job! I was fired for incompetance!
Joel: Well, now you have no house either. Have a nice day.
Crow: What can I do?
Tom: With that, Don went up to his room to relax at his computer.
Crow: Oh, no! I am not about to use this Macintoy!
Tom: Stick with the script!
Crow: No! This is where I draw the line! Forget it!
Tom: Oh, so you wouldn't be in this mess if you had an IBM?
Crow: You bet Macabuser!
Tom: Well maybe you need a Newton to keep your scedule straight!
Crow: Well maybe you'd like an OS that doesn't crash, or mysteriously
absorb memory?
Tom: Why don't you go give more money to Microsoft?
Crow: Why don't you go rebuild your desktop?
Joel: Guys! Stop it! Now you ruined a perfectly good skit!
Crow: It would have been better if Tom had kept his rotten computer out
of this!
Tom: Oh yeah? Maybe I like to just read my mail, and not have to
program it everytime?
Joel: We'll be right back.

<Fade out. Commercial.>
---
Rob Brunskill
---
When pressed, the tailor, a material witness in the suit, came apart
at the seams. His altered testimony completely unraveled. The tale he
had woven had been a complete fabrication.
---
President of CMU's Vermillion Sci-Fi/Anime Club, and looking for Dougram...

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