[MiSTied] John Birch Explained
Keith Williams
beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just stay away from alt.conspiracy
entirely.
These guys give me the creeps.
Enjoy.
-K
--
"Maybe all I need / besides my pills / and surgery / is a new metaphor
for reality."
- Queensryche -- "Disconnected" -- Promised Land
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[] Kurris (aka Keith Williams) will...@aix.wingra.com []
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> Article: 64736 of alt.conspiracy
> Path: news.cic.net!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!zip.eecs.umich.edu!
> yeshua.marcam.com!usc!math.ohio-state.edu!jussieu.fr!oleane!pipex!uunet!
> newstf01.cr1.aol.com!newsbf01.news.aol.com!not-for-mail
> From: jonp...@aol.com (Jon Paine)
CROW: That one's too easy, eh?
MIKE: It sure is.
> Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy
> Subject: John Birch Explained
SERVO: Just why *is* he still alive today?
> Date: 15 Oct 1994 01:45:09 -0400
> Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
> Lines: 175
> Sender: ne...@newsbf01.news.aol.com
> Message-ID: <37nq95$g...@newsbf01.news.aol.com>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf01.news.aol.com
>
> This post is an attempt to
CROW: Confuse you about who your real parents are.
> inform and familiarize those
> who have inquired regarding the John Birch Society,
SERVO: [as operator] I'm sorry, that number has been disconnected.
> and not
> the least, clear up some of the disinformation I have
CROW: Been spreading behind my own back!
> seen
> here, so blatant that at times I can regard it as nothing
> less than intentional and mean spirited.
SERVO: Ooh, stop it or I'll give you *such* a pinch!
> At first
MIKE: I thought I had a point to make, but it turned out that I was wrong.
> let me say for any wondering, I am a leader of
CROW: A girlscout troop, but that doesn't make me a pansy.
> a local chapter, meaning only to convey to you my biases,
SERVO: Sexual and otherwise.
> as
> well as let you know I know
MIKE: Where you live.
> of whence I speak!<grin>
SERVO: Out of his butt, is my guess.
> The John Birch Society was named after
MIKE: Jordan Fitch, hence the irony.
> an American
> Patriot, WWII Chinese Theater Asset,
CROW: [in thick accent] Hey! *Niice* asset!
> Missionary, and Poet,
SERVO: Not to mention Dreamer and All-Around-Great-Guy.
> John Birch. It is our belief that John Birch was the first
CROW: To openly admit his feelings for another man.
> casualty of the "Cold War," at least the first known
> casualty,
MIKE: To *me*, anyway, and I should know, 'cause I know of whence I speak,
remember?
> and at any rate, became for us symbolic of all
CROW: Smurfs everywhere.
> deaths to follow in the "Cold War" period, which, in our
> reality,
SERVO: *Our* reality is *way* better than *your* reality!!
> were nothing more than a series of calculated
> military adventures and political upheavals masterminded to
CROW: Sell IBM stock.
> culminate in a New World Order.
MIKE: I *rage* for order!
CROW: Stretching it a bit, aren't we, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah, but how often does a chance like that come along?
SERVO: If this keeps up I'll be screaming in digital.
> The Society was founded by Robert Welch and began
SERVO: Conning old ladies out of their social security checks almost
immediately.
> in
> it's nascent stages in 1958 as a series of articles entitled,
CROW: "Mind Your Own ******* Business!!"
> "One Man's Opinion," which were collected and printed in book
> form,
SERVO: Only later to be transmogrified into little baby tigers.
> eventually leading to the formation of a patriotic
> nationwide movement
MIKE: My doctor said "Mylanta."
CROW: And I shot him for it.
> of small groups in a concerted effort to
> educate the public.
SERVO: Since those panty-waste public schools weren't doing it right!
> As mentioned by one other here,
CROW: Who shall remain nameless...Oh, all right, it was Frank! He said it
first, blame him, not me, I'm just a stooge in this, a patsy.
[starting to sob] I didn't know what I was doin', honest! You can't
kill me, man, not for stealing a man's boots!! He was *dead*
already!!
SERVO: He's *way* off script here, isn't he?
MIKE: Don't ask me, I'm in awe.
> the founding texts of
> the organizational founding speech
SERVO: Can be found in the lost and found.
> is contained in the "Blue
> Book of the John Birch Society."
MIKE: Which has a red cover, just to confuse our enemies.
> When first formed, it was
> Robert Welches,
CROW: Who suggested we adopt the lemur as our society mascot.
> and to be fair, many other patriotic
> American's opinion that the conspiracy was communistic, and
> that these communists had "infiltrated" many "fine" trusts
SERVO: Taking into account this guy's use of emphasis, indicated by the
quotation marks around the words "infiltrated" and "fine," we learn
what? That trusts *weren't*, in fact, infiltrated, and that they
weren't *fine* to begin with?
CROW: That's how I would read it.
MIKE: Which means that he's successfully negated his entire point.
SERVO: Clever.
CROW: Or stupid. You decide.
> such as the Rockefeller, Ford, Carnegie, et.al., foundations,
> and, not least, high offices in our government, including
> domination of our state department.
SERVO: Whoa! Do you see what almost slipped past us?
MIKE: You bet I do!
CROW: What? What??
MIKE: Tom, if you will.
SERVO: That has *got* to be the granddaddy of *all* run-on sentences.
CROW: That was all one sentence?
MIKE: It sure was.
CROW: Wow, this guy really *is* a master, isn't he.
> Through study, the John
> Birch Society came to understand that
SERVO: Every sentence should be a paragraph.
MIKE: And every paragraph should be a sentence.
> it was our mega-
> capitalists who funded and controlled the rise of global
> communism,
CROW: Now, how's *that* for a diabolical scheme?
> and that their associated tax-exempt "trusts" were
> actually BREEDING GROUNDS for
SERVO: Neo-savant-demagoguery.
MIKE: Tom, don't use terms the author doesn't understand.
SERVO: But then I wouldn't be able to say *anything*.
> socialists, therefore were
> never infiltrated, but rather PROMOTED such thinking.
MIKE: That's right, you go to the head of the class.
> Even
> so, we are not ashamed of the limited understanding that
CROW: We posses, we can get by on our looks.
> existed at the time of the creation of the JBS
SERVO: Just Be Stupid?
MIKE: Jim's Bald Spot?
CROW: Jump Before Standing?
> (John Birch
> Society),
ALL: Oh.
> and therefore, still recommend the "Blue Book,"
> blemishes and all:
CROW: Here, a little hydrochloric acid will clear that right up.
> We are not ashamed of our past, and
> encourage new members to
MIKE: Follow in our footstep by dating their sisters.
> understand how we have grown over
> the years to a greater understanding of the mechanizations of
> the Satanic Conspiracy,
SERVO: Hello? Satanic Conspiracy? Where'd *that* come from?
CROW: I thought we were talking communism just a second ago?
MIKE: Don't you see? It's all the same. Communism is just a regional
manager for Satan.
> so that they, too, may continue to
> grow in understanding.
CROW: While the rest of us grow nauseous.
> For clarity to those new to the world of conspiracy,
SERVO: Let's start with our mantra: Trust no one, sleep lightly, buy your
guns wholesale.
> let
> me point out presently
CROW: Meaning that he'll get to it eventually?
> that the Ford Foundation was NOT
> conspiratorially minded at it's creation by the populist
> minded Henry Ford,
MIKE: I'm half minded to kick this guy in his rambling minded hind quarters.
> but was soon infiltrated by directors from
> other American Trusts.
SERVO: See how the worker directors infiltrate the American Trusts, stinging
them to death.
> The John Birch Society is over 35 years old, and, truth
> be told, we ain't what we used to be in strength.
CROW: Now *there's* a marvel of literary contempt!
SERVO: [singing] Old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be.
> There was
> a time, though now hard for me, a mere 29 years old, to
> believe, when
CROW: People was *taught* English in school! Imagine that!! A'course, I
might'a learned that, if I'd stayed past the first grade.
> our country was jam-packed with patriots, or,
> in the words of Thomas Paine,
MIKE: ...My grandpappy...
> it would appear that they were
> "sunshine patriots," for as soon as the heat was turned up
> against the many then existing patriot groups, most fell.
SERVO: I could be wrong, but I highly doubt that Thomas Paine *ever* said
anything quite so incoherent.
MIKE: I think the author is confused.
CROW: To say the least.
MIKE: I think he's actually talking about the guy who invented "Thomas'
English Muffins."
SERVO: With all the nooks and cranny's to hide the logic.
> Too many Americans embraced the easy path to acceptance by
> our country's elite intelligentsia.
CROW: I hate *anyone* who's smarter'en me. That's why I shot my dog.
> Therefore, they became
> fashionably anti-anti-communists!
MIKE: They *are* a trendy bunch, aren't they?
> Since most groups dedicated to the study of conspiracy
CROW: Cancel each other out.
> present a fairly similar picture of what has happened to
> America since the early 60's, I'll forego a detailed account
SERVO: Sticking, rather, to an account of my own madness.
> of the ensuing trials and tribulations of the JBS, answering
> in detail should I be queried specifically regarding any
> particular period/incidence in that era, just address
> correspondence to ---> jonp...@aol.com
CROW: Wow.
MIKE: It really *is* awe inspiring to see thought rendered into word with
such fluidity.
SERVO: I weep for the future.
>
> What the John Birch Society IS, and is NOT.
SERVO: A rhetorical essay by Jon "I Am Not A" Paine.
> The John Birch Society is NOT partisan.
CROW: I don't care *what* my mother told you!
> In the North we
> tend to vote more Republican,
MIKE: Tastes like chicken.
> as individuals, but are not
> beholden to the party.
CROW: I'd rather be holdin' a golden.
> In fact, our beloved onetime JBS
SERVO: On this stage, for one time only...
> leader was a Democrat from the South named Larry MacDonald,
CROW: You may know of him, he owned a farm.
> who, unfortunately, was killed onboard KAL007 by communists
> pilots from the USSR. This, understandably,
MIKE: Put quite a crimp in his weekend plans.
> was quite a
> blow to the morale of many Birchers,
SERVO: [singing] I'm a Bircher, he's a Bircher. Wouldn't you like to be
a Bircher too?
> including the
> establishment media's incessant refusal to tell the American
> people Larry's name, let alone his position in the John Birch
> Society, saying only "A congressman was aboard the plane,"
> and ignoring it ever since.
MIKE: Nope, sorry, it never happened.
> The John Birch Society does NOT run political
> candidates,
SERVO: Sure, we *own* a few, but we don't run them.
> nor do we intend to. We feel it is our mission
CROW: To deny all of these allegations.
> to educate the American People the constitutional limits that
> should be enforced against our federal government, or, as
SERVO: Oh, come on, this is *really* going to far. Can't someone *please*
give this guy a grammar checker?
> Thomas Jefferson said, "bind them to the chains of the
> Constitution."!!!! We feel money spent on a political
> campaign is money
MIKE: Better spent on beer and party favours.
> wasted after the election is over.
CROW: At least it never occurred to them that their candidate might
actually *win*.
> However, money spent educating the populace regarding our
> wonderfully inspired Constitution is money well spent, and
> the effects last longer.
SERVO: Much more buzz for the buck, I guess.
> That is to say,
MIKE: Noodles sing, but cats can't dance.
> influence the
> electorate, that they may keep their representatives
CROW: We didn't want them anyway...
> honest.
> We believe that the conspirators can seduce even the best men
> and women with offers of
MIKE: Chocolate.
> money and power, so count on NO
> political saviors, but rather, count on ourselves to keep
> them clean and constitutional!
CROW: Eewgh! I'm not washing *that*.
> The John Birch Society is FOR
SERVO: People with very limited IQ's.
> very strictly limited
> federal government, as planned for my our founding fathers.
> We feel that to obfuscate
CROW: Ooh, bet he lost a few brain cells trying to come up with *that* one.
> our intentions would only make us
> as bad as the conspirators, so secrecy, even in the name of
> victory, makes winning hollow.
MIKE: So does whining, so shut up.
> We are not a secret society,
> it's just that
SERVO: We don't like strangers nosin' around our property.
> we've done such a poor job getting out the
> word that it seems that way,
CROW: We're just a bunch of morons, I guess.
> and are so under-manned that
> contact by regional coordinators takes longer than we would
> hope or wish!
SERVO: Time to crank up another membership drive, I guess.
> Also, as witnessed in this newsgroup,
CROW: Right before your very eyes!!
> we have
> done a very poor job of taking advantage of the "information
> super-highway."
MIKE: Technology frightens us, really.
> That will be to our detriment should it
> continue.
SERVO: Which is my secret dream.
> Much of our membership is older, not technically
> proficient, and
CROW: Just plain stupid.
> too many are content to sit around and talk
> about our "glory days,"
MIKE: With Springstein and the E-Street band.
> doing little to rectify the
> situation. That is not a ringing endorsement, I admit, but
> that is the truth of the matter.
SERVO: So sue me.
> The John Birch Society IS an educational outlet.
MIKE: The education just drains right out of you when you're one of us.
> We
> print many books that might not otherwise be printed,
CROW: Like "Mutants Without Faces," and other classics.
> and
> reprint "censored" classics. If you ever read a Western
> Island published book, that was from us.
SERVO: Surprised? Don't be, we get that all the time.
> Our American
> Opinion Bookstores carry Western Island books,
CROW: And Thousand Island dressing.
> among with
> other recommended books from other publishers.
SERVO: Ah...
MIKE: Just let it go. I think we've adequately established that this guy
is *not* a Nobel Prize laureate.
> The John Birch Society is not racist,
CROW: No way, not *us* (ignore that man in the white sheets).
> nor anti-
> "semetic." Jews were among the founding members of the John
SERVO: Yeah, you can find their bodies in *all* our foundations.
MIKE: Whoa! *That* comment is going a little too far, Mr. Servo.
SERVO: It was just a joke.
MIKE: Remember, you're dealing with inferior minds who probably have their
lawyer's numbers in speed dial.
CROW: Mainly because they wouldn't be able to remember all seven digits
otherwise.
MIKE: True, but, try to be a little nicer.
SERVO: I'll try, but it hurts.
> Birch Society, and we have black chapters.
CROW: Completely segregated from our white chapters.
MIKE: There's just no winning here, is there?
SERVO: Nope, just sit back and enjoy.
> We correctly call
> Mandella a communist puppet of John Salvos,
CROW: John Stamos is a communist?!!? I *thought* so!
SERVO: Uh, Crow, that was John *Salvos*.
CROW: Oh.
> and instead
> support Zulu Inkatha Freedom Party head, Mongesuto Bhutelezi
MIKE: Gehzunght.
> (sp.). The Establishment press would have all believe that
SERVO: Oh brother, for *this* he cites spelling?? What about the three
thousand *other* spelling errors?
> if you don't like the black Mandela,
CROW: He now comes in a dozen designer colours!
> you hate blacks.... even
> if you like the black Bhutelezi! We refuse to say that any
MIKE: Of the things I've said make any sense.
> one race is responsible for this conspiracy, giving all
> proper and due blame to Satan,
SERVO: *Finally* Satan gets his due.
> of whom men, regardless of
> race, are mere agents for evil.
CROW: *I* am an agent of evil. And I take American Express.
> The Mottos of the John Birch Society are:
MIKE: Do unto others before they do unto you.
SERVO: Big girls don't cry.
CROW: Zomething Different.
> "Less Government, more responsibility, and, with God's help,
> a better world." and
> "Education is the key, and truth is the only weapon."
> and,
> "Get US OUT! of the United Nations."
SERVO: I'm speechless.
MIKE: I'm in awe.
CROW: This guy's my newest hero!
>
> The John Birch Society DOES: want your
SERVO: Firstborn child.
> help, if you are
> willing to pick up the cudgel of liberty.
CROW: And bludgeon yourself about the head and body with it.
> We have many
> activities, a bi-
CROW: Sexual.
MIKE: Crow!
> weekly national publication called "The New
> American," as well as videos, books, and a plan of action.
SERVO: Ooh, look who's got a plan of action *now*.
> If you are interested, please drop me a note.
ALL: MAIL BOMB!!!!
> The John Birch Society plan of action:
MIKE: Steal until you get caught, then blame Satan.
> We believe that
> an educated electorate is the key.
SERVO: To happy days again.
> Since the House of
> Representatives is given the Constitutional authority to
CROW: Banish evildoers to the Phantom Zone.
> control the purse strings, we focus primarily upon publishing
> and distributing (through Tax Reform IMmediately,TRIM)
MIKE: Hey, I lost thirty pounds on the TRIM program.
> the
> spending records of congressmen, especially considering that
> they must run EVERY TWO YEARS,
SERVO: Did I EMPHASIZE THAT enough FOR you?
> making them most vulnerable to
CROW: Personal attacks.
> this form of pressure to vote constitutionally.
> The John Birch Society focuses primarily upon the
MIKE: The need for high quality adult diapers.
> Council on Foreign Relations, the Trilateral Commission, the
> U.N., and tax-exempt trust fund foundations. Yes, we know of
> the Bilderbergers,
SERVO: They're a saucy bunch who keep us entertained for hours.
> et.al., but since they are so secret and
MIKE: Won't return our phone calls.
> never publish anything, it leads to too much speculation on
> our part, something we'd rather avoid.
CROW: Duh, since that might require thinking.
> You may or may not
> agree with this particular tactic, but,
SERVO: We don't care.
> for credibility,
> which we have precious little of thanks
CROW: To blowhards like me.
> to a country full of
> force-fed sheep, we prefer a written record.
MIKE: Although they don't play very well on our turntables.
> All this having been said, I am already
CROW: Wondering what my point was.
> remiss at what I
> know I will later wish I had included in this "brief"
SERVO: I'll say, "brief" like the 100 Years War was brief.
> introduction to the John Birch Society, though hopefully,
> I'll be able to address these at the appropriate time. I
CROW: Would now like to perform a set of show tunes.
> will leave with this final thought to those involved in some
> of the other organizations:
MIKE: If a tree falls on me in the forest, would you care?
> We may disagree, my fellow patriots, in style, and in
> substance, but
SERVO: Once the pills kick in, we'll be on an even playing field.
> the fight is not between you and I, but rather
> us and the conspiracy. If we fail, and the New World Order
> gets closer to fruition,
CROW: We'll have some *delicious* preserves, come spring.
> we will see who was closer to the
> Truth, and I'll not gloat should it turn out to be me. I
MIKE: Probably wouldn't understand, anyway.
> trust that when they begin trampling our liberties blatantly
> in front of our faces,
SERVO: You'll stand up and say: "Hey! Down in front!"
> and without regard for discretion (for
> they do so discretely now!), we will both likely be in the
> same trench, covering each other's
ALL: HEY!!!!
> backsides, awaiting our
> glorious appointment with God's pre-ordained Plan.
MIKE: Next.
> Jon Paine
> "Let none but Americans stand guard tonight!" Geo. Washington
CROW: I don't trust those foreign bastards.
SERVO: Let's get the heck-ramsey OUT OF HERE!
[ ...6...5...4...3...2...1...<> ]
[ Mike is wandering around, bumping into walls. Crow is trying to pull his
head off of his body, all the time muttering to himself. Tom is shaking ]
[ Deep 13 ]
DR. F: Heh-heh. Look, Frank, I think we finally got to them. Frank?
[ Frank is wandering around in the background, bumping into things ]
DR. F: Ah, I see that I've done my job too well. The rigors we endure in
the name of science.
\ | /
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/ | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
The original article is, I guess, (c) 1994 by its author, Jon Paine. My
comments should not be construed as an attack on the John Birch Society, of
which I have no knowledge.
> At first let me say for any wondering, I am a leader of
> a local chapter, meaning only to convey to you my biases, as