MST3Kd: "Women In Ufology"
David G White
Mike: Hi. I'm Mike Nelson, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Today
me and the boys are...(the button starts flashing) Oops, looks like
the Von Trapps are calling.
[Inside Deep 13]
Dr F: Good morning, Nelson. Today...
[Back to the S.O.L.]
Mike: (holding what looks like a giant egg beater) Well, sirs, today my
invention exchange is...
[Back to Deep 13]
Dr F: No time for that today, Mork. No, it's right down to business.
[The S.O.L.]
Mike: You mean I'm not going to get a chance to show you the Astounding
Disk Whisker?
[Deep 13]
Dr F: Err...no. Today we're going to skip the pleasantries and move right
to the hostilities. We've got a little short for you from one
John_-_Winston, a fellow I've been waiting to sic on you for quite
a while.
Frank:It's all about UFO abduction, and boy, is it a weird one.
Dr F: Be a good boy and send it up to them, will you, Frank?
Frank:(pressing the button) Say, how do you pronounce _-_, anyway?
[Back to the S.O.L.]
Tom: Don't worry, Mike, there will be other invention exchanges.
Mike: But none of them will be as good as the Disk Whisker!
Crow: To be honest, it really sucks, Mike.
Tom: CROW!
Crow: Sorry...aah! We've got movie sign!
G...6...5...4...3...2...1
> John Winston <John_-_...@cup.portal.com> writes:
>
> Subject: Women Of UFOLOGY.
Crow: Say, wasn't that an article in Playboy last month?
Mike: How did you know that?
Crow: (Nervously) Um, lucky guess?
> It seems that we have quite a few women who are helping out the the
> investigation of UFOs.
Tom: Fetching coffee, typing letters, answering the phone... You know,
womanly things.
> The one we'll discuss today is;.............
Mike: What an interesting name.
Tom: I hear it's an old family name.
Crow: Say, how do you pronounce that anyhow?
Mike: Probably the same way you pronounce _-_.
> EDITH
Tom: Wharton?
> FIORE
Tom: Oh. Well, she's okay too, I guess.
>
> Certainly one of the forerunners of "anomalous phenomena,"
Mike: I wonder if that means she studies them or creates them?
> Edith
> Fiore, a practicing psychologist and writer has taken on such tough
> subjects as past lives, You Have Been Here Before, spirit possession,
Tom: Did you know it's still illegal for someone under 21 to be in
possession of spirits?
Crow: Cut that out!
> The Unquiet Dead,
Crow: The Living Dead, and the Grateful Dead.
> and most recently UFO abductiions and contactee cases,
> Encounters.
Mike: I thought that was a game show like "Love Connection."
Tom: Me too.
> Encounters chronicles 14 different accounts of people who, under
> hypnosis, reveal widely divergent experiences with extraterrestrial
> beings. We have the predictable "Gray" abduction scenario most of us
> have come to expect, complete with physical exams
Tom: Now turn your head and cough.
> and egg/sperm
> extraction.
Tom: Whoa!
Mike: I think we should let that one slide.
Tom: Yeah.
> Much more riveting are some of the accounts with other
> beings, such as the tall benevolent ones with high-back collars
Mike: Hmm...sounds like Elvis to me.
Crow: Really? It sounds more like a delusional fantasy to me.
> who are
> doing healing work on thousands around the planet. "Dan" remembers,
> under hypnosis, being a commander in a human Star Fleet
Crow: It was so weird! I was all old and bald and I spoke with a weird
accent and everything!
> and has now
> chosen to take over the body of a five-year old child on earth as part
> of his "earned retirement" program.
Tom: Doesn't it sort of defeat the point of retirement if they wipe his
memory so he can't enjoy it?
Mike: Wait a minute, what was a five-year old child going to a
psychiatrist for anyhow?
Crow: Maybe the pressure of kindergarten was just too much for him.
> "Diane," a psychic, began having
> telepathic contacts with extraterrestrials at 13,
Mike: Those weren't extraterrestrials! Those were just juvenile
delinquents!
> accurately
> predicting so many things that her school and her family ordered her to
> stop, for fear of "witch recrimination."
All: Burn her! BURN HER! BURN HER!!!
> "James," a doctor in his
> midthirties, is developing healing technologies shown to him on-board a
> spacecraft.
Tom: I thought those were meant to work on aliens, not humans...
> In addition, Edith Fiore includeds a checklist of the ten most common
> indicators of a CEIV (Close Encounter of the 4th kind). A condensed
> listing follows:
> 1. Missing Time
> 2. Nightmares or dreams of UFOs or
> Aliens
Crow: Oh, that's not so unusual. I had nightmares about Aliens months
I saw it!
> 3. Sleep Disorders
> 4. Waking up with unusual body sensations
Mike: Are you sure that's not just pins and needles?
> 5. Unexplained marks on the body
Tom: I'm sure that freckle wasn't there yesterday!
> 6. Feeling monitored, watched and/or communicated with
> 7. Repeated UFO sightings
> 8. Vague recollection of close encounters
Crow: You know, most people would think remembering a close encounter
would tip you right off that you'd had one, but it's really quite
surprising...
Mike: Quiet, honey.
> 9. Unexplained healing
Tom: Hey, wait a minute...I don't remember getting a tonsilectomy! And
where did this Band-Aid come from?
> 10. Fear of or anxiety about UFO and/or ETs.
Mike: Hmm...maybe I've had a CEIV. John Tesh and Mary Hart have always
scared me.
> She includes suggestions for determining how the subconscious can
> validate suspicions of such interactions. She warns that while many
> people may experience these trama-producing symptoms, emotionally out of
> balance people may also falsely delude themselves into fabricating such
> stories.
Tom: Wow, really? I never would have guessed!
> It is important to get professional help if you believe this is
> happening to you.
Crow: It is important to get professional help if you believe in this
stuff in the first place.
> JW Well she sounds like she is not kidding.
>
> Part 1.
Mike: Coming soon: Women of UFOlogy Part Two: Electric Bugaloo.
> Source Of Information: International UFO Library Magazine. Dec/Jan.
> 1993.
Crow: Well, it't nice to know he's got such reliable sources.
> John Winston
Tom: Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
1...2...3...4...5...6...G
[Scene: The S.O.L. The lighting is moody. Tom stands in the foreground,
dramatically lit. Mike and Crow stand in the background]
Crow: Get over it, Servo!
Mike: I'm telling you, you were _not_ abducted by aliens!
Tom: You may say so, Mike, but I know better! I've got all the symptoms!
Crow: The symptoms of chronic stupidity is more like it.
Mike: Now, honey...
Tom: Symptom one: missing time. Why is it I can't remember anything that
happened before 1987?
Crow: Because we weren't around before 1987, that's why!
Tom: Symptom two: nightmares about UFOs or aliens. I've had those!
Mike: What nightmares? You don't sleep!
Tom: Symptom three: sleep disorders. I've got chronic insomnia!
Mike: Insomnia? Tom, you don't need to sleep!
Tom:nusual body sensations. Ditto!
Mike: Tom, for the last time, YOU DON'T SLEEP!
Tom: Symptom five: unexplained marks on the body. Like this big red spot
right here!
Crow: Your whole body is a big red spot, Servo you doof!
Tom: Symptom six: feeling monitored or watched. I've always felt that
way!
Mike: Oh, honey, that's just the mad scientists monitoring our minds and
selling the results to cable T.V.!
Tom: Symptom seven: repeated UFO sightings. I've had plenty!
Crow: Tom, we've encountered dozens of UFOs! That doesn't mean you've been
abducted!
Tom: Symptom eight: vague recollection of close encounters. Like that
time those women from the planet opposite the sun from Earth shaved
my head and were going to eat my brain!
Crow: That wasn't you, it was those little dorks from "Gamera vs. Guiron!"
Tom: Symptom nine: unexplained healing. Like that time the pain in the
diodes down my left side just vanished...
Mike: That's because I shut you down, replaced the diodes, and turned you
back on!
Tom: Symptom ten: fear or anxiety about...
Crow: Give it up, man! You haven't been abducted and you know it!
Tom: So you say, skeptic! But I know that somewhere out there, there's a
planet of aliens looking for me!
Mike: Servo, you are one weird mammer jammer. (Hits the button.) What
do you think, sirs!
[Back to Deep 13. Dr. F. and Frank are poring through dictionaries]
Frank:Well, it's official. _-_ isn't in any dictionary!
Dr F: Maybe we're barking up the wrong tree. Perhaps we should try
sounding it out syllable by syllable. (Frank can be seen silently
moving his lips) Until next time, boobie! (presses the button)
[Roll credits]
------
Credits:
MSTified by David White
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of BBI, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.
------
John_-_...@cup.portal.com:
> It is important to get professional help if you believe this is
> happening to you.
------
DAVID WHITE, dw...@andrew.cmu.edu
"Those who induce these stressors on you, were individually not your
friends in the first place, for they wish through these stressors to
either brainwash you, transvalue your sex, or even kill you with
alphabet soup."
--Owen W. Gustafson
Petrea Mitchell
>Frank:(pressing the button) Say, how do you pronounce _-_, anyway?
[lots of neat stuff deleted]
>Frank:Well, it's official. _-_ isn't in any dictionary!
>Dr F: Maybe we're barking up the wrong tree. Perhaps we should try
> sounding it out syllable by syllable.
Maybe Victor Borge would know-- anyone got his address?
--
/ <|> <|>
Petrea Mitchell <pravn@mvp/agora.rain.com>
"What sort of man takes the `frau' out of Jungfrau, Lewis?"
"The sort who gets strangled for his jokes, sir?" ---Mystery!