[MSTing] Voyager: S-Space - Part 1
Freezer
Voyager Lemon here, but I do know it's a BAAAAAAAD one! And written by
a woman, no less. It originally had three parts, but part 1 was nearly
as long as the other two put together. (If you want to see the whole
thing in all its "Glory" here's the url:
ftp.furry.org/pub/furry/stories/downloads/Voyager/Voyager1(parts1- 3) )
So parts 2 and 3 will have to wait till later. (Awww...) I actually
took the time to proofread this time, so things may be a bit more
consistent. As always, C&C, suggestions, targets, flames, etc. are
welcome. Contact me at freezer88@hotmail.}
{And on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the
property of Best Brains, Inc. Voyager and all related characters are
the property of Paramount. The story itself is the sole property of
Pussy Willow, and she is welcome to it! The opening rant is the
property of "Rudy Ciello"...if that's his real name. }
<Season 3 theme song. Sing along! You know the words!>
[We open with a shot of Joel, Crow, and Tom Servo just standing around.]
All:...
[Awkward pause]
Joel: Oh, uh...Hi, everybody and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm
Joel Robinson - Just your average janitorial type. Ticked off my
bosses, got shot into space, forced to read crappy web postings. These
are my little robot buddies: Tom Servo...
Tom: Yello!
Joel: And Crow.
Crow: [Happily] Bite me!
Joel: And over there is Gypsy.
Gypsy:[Popping into view] Hi. [Leaves]
Joel: And the guys you can't see are Magic Voice...
Magic Voice: Salutations!
Joel: And Cambot
[Scene goes up and down as Cambot nods in acknowledgement]
Joel: And that's about it really.
[Pause]
Tom: Yep. All there is really.
[ANOTHER pause]
Crow: OH WHO ARE WE KIDDING?!? Folks, the reason that we're not doing
the crazy, kooky little skits that you're used to seeing us do to open
the show is...We couldn't think of one.
Joel: It's true.
Tom: Yep! We're tapped!
Crow: We got NOTHING! We were kinda hoping inspiration would strike,
but nothing doing.
Joel: The wacky meter is on zero.
Tom: So if you guys are willing were just gonna go to commercial sign,
come back and pretend this crap never happened. Okay!
All [Except Cambot, who nods] OKAY! [Joel hits commercial sign]
<<The T.R.U.T.H (.com)? Your commercials make me WANT to smoke!>>
[Back from commercials, Joel and the bots seem to be engaged in idle
chitchat]
Tom: Look guys; all I’m saying is that Bizarro and Sinestro were as –
if not more – powerful than the most powerful Superfriends, and yet Lex
Luthor never included them in any of his plans!
Crow: But Tommy, they’re The Superfriends! What difference would two
extra guys make.
Joel: Crow, I have to agree with Tom here. I mean with all the
trouble clowns like Black Manta and The Riddler caused them, what kind
of mayhem could they cause with some with actual superpowers on their
side?
Tom: I still say it makes no difference! The Justice League beat them
in the comics, they could still beat ‘em on TV.
Crow: But in the comics, The Justice League never had Wendy, Marvin, or
the Wonder Twins.
Tom: Touché!
Joel: This debate may have to wait till later guys, Braniac and Toyman
are calling! [Hits Mads Light]
[Deep 13: Just a close-up of Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank through a
Fish-Eye lens.]
Dr.F: Greetings, my little boy toys! Pardon the peculiar angle, but
Frank and I were practicing for the Mad Scientists Rap Video contest.
Frank: First prize is a 2001 Luxury Agonizer!
Dr.F: Right! So Frank and I have been taking test shots in our costumes…
[Pan back to reveal Frank and Dr.F in those plastic suit things from
Missy Elliot’s “The Rain”]
Dr.F: But that hasn’t stopped us from doing our evil duty towards you
and the bots, so towards that end we’ll kick off today’s invention
exchange. Frank?
[Frank is standing next to what looks like an ordinary TV with a
satellite antenna. There appears to be jumper cables attached to the
antennae. The jumper cable are attached to what looks like an iMac.]
Frank: Thanks, Steve! We were all surprised when Dennis Miller was
picked to be the third member of the Monday Night Football broadcast
crew. His pedantic rants and obscure pop references don’t seem to fit
in to any sort of sporting broadcast. In fact, quite a few people find
the man quite annoying.
Dr.F: So it got us to thinking: How can we take this minor annoyance
and make it downright evil? And we came up with this Dennis Miller
Closed Caption broadcaster.
Frank: It works like this: We take the closed captioning signal from a
given show – say…Days of Our Lives – and while John and Marlena are
lamenting Stefano’s latest scheme…
Dr.F: The DMCCB will scroll something like this…
[Turns on TV to said show.]
CC Print: This is dragging on Like Le Miserabes in real time! And
don’t even get me started on the far fetchedness of the whole thing!
Stefano’s been dead more time than John Travolta’s movie career…
Dr. F: And it goes on like that! And you can’t turn it off!
Frank: We’re currently working on a version that does the same to the
SAP signal.
Dr. F: Imagine! Dennis Miller – In Spanish!
Frank: Beat that, punks!
[SOL]
Crow: Now that’s just disturbing!
Tom: Gotta admit. That’s evil.
[D13]
Mads: Thanks!
[SOL]
Joel: Well, sirs; Our invention – while not as inherently wrong as
yours – does serve to handle an age-old problem: finding the right
radio station during a long car trip.
Tom: We know there are car stereos out there set to look up a certain
format like classic rock, talk radio, or R&B. But what if you’re
looking for a certain type on talk or a certain song?
Crow: That’s why we came up with The Subject Scanner! [scan over to an
ordinary looking factory model car stereo, with a small keyboard
attached]
Joel: Right. Just type in the parameters you want – for instance, you
want nothing but political rantings…just type in “Politics”
plus “ranting”
Tom: And you can specify anti-liberal or anti-conservative.
Joel: Right! Plug those parameters in, hit search and voila! You’ve
got hours and hours complaining about the government.
Crow: If you’re into that sort of thing.
Joel: Right! Pretty cool huh?
[D-13]
Dr.F: Not bad, Booby! With a little tweaking, I could adapt that to be
truly evil! But that’s for another time. As for now, you’ve got a
date with the crew of the starship Voyager. It’s a horribly Out Of
Character sour lemon type fic called “S-Space”.
Frank: Served up with a side of “I Hate Anime” rant. Eat up!
Dr.F: And choke on it! Send ‘em the fic, Frank!
[SOL]
All: WE’VE GOT RANT SIGN!! [Much scampering]
[1]…[2]…[3]…[4]…[5]…[6]…[*]
[Crow walks in and takes his seat, followed by Joel, carrying Tom
Servo.]
Crow: A Voyager Lemon? This could be fun!
Tom: Don’t get your hopes up!
>From: Rudy Ciello
Crow: Curmudgeon at large
>Subject: A secular condemnation of anime
Tom: And this means...?
>Date: 24 Jun 2000 00:00:00
>GMT Message-ID: <0f679cb4.4284fccb@usw-ex0104-
>032.remarq.com
>Bytes: 3170
>X-Originating-Host: 24.4.252.96
>X-Complaints-To: >wren...@remarq.com
Joel: X-Men: The blockbuster hit of the summer!
Crow: Subject: You bunch of wieners...
>X-Trace: WReNphoon3 961867885 10.0.2.32 (Sat, 24 Jun 2000 10:31:25 PDT)
>Organization: http://www.remarq.com: The World's Usenet/Discussions
Start Here
Tom: The arguments and fist fights start elsewhere.
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 10:31:25
>PDT Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.misc
>X-Wren-Trace:
>eNbz29rDhM6Fl9bW1p/Ey9DK0tLf3o/g29XN2N7Lw9ja35uXisKNjJSFh4GWz5M=
>
>Many of you were distraught with the Christian animosity to anime;
Joel: As opposed to Christian animosity to nearly everything else?
>indeed many of you seem to think Christians are your worst enemies.
Tom: And I suppose you're going to tell how wrong and stupid we are.
>Well, you're wrong.
Crow: Nice call, Tommy!
Tom: Ah, that was a softball!
>Because I'm an secular atheist and president of the Anti-superstition
>society.
Tom: "AN" secular atheist?
Joel: The Grammar Gods do not approve!
Crow: And it’s not just any Anti-Superstition society, but *THE* Anti-
superstition society
Tom: [Writer] And we are not just me and my cousin Timmy and some Goth
kid from down the block! And we do not meet in our parent's basement!
>And we hate anime.
Joel: So then the point of this rant is "Hey anime fans; the
Christians aren't out to get you! We are!"
Tom: I don't think coherence is what this guy was going for.
>Why? For one, it is a religion.
Joel: Nah! That's just the Moonies!
Crow: WE ARE NOT!!! I... mean... THEY are not!
Tom: Sure! Oh, by the way, have you updated your Sailor Mars Shrine
lately.
Crow: Oh, yeah! I scanned some cool pics from... SHUT UP!
>Whether Judeo-Christian or pagan, which anime is,
Joel: Judeo-Christian or pagan?
Crow: [Stoner voice] It's all the same, man! It's all a plot by them!
Tom: And "them" would be?
Crow: [Stoner voice] You...You know! *Them!*
>all religions are bad.
Tom: [Monster voice] RELIGION BAD! GNARR!!!
>It promotes blindness, empty passions, intolerance, compulsive and
>obsessive behavior, and groupthink.
Joel: You just described the Internet.
>And this is what we find in this ng.
Crow: I'll take "Groundless, Blanket Generalizations" for $1000, Alex!
>The constant religious wars between Sailor Moon worshippers and
>Dragonball Zzzz worshippers.
Crow: Oh, yeah! I'll never forget those bloody "Kamehameha or "Silver
Crystal" flame wars!
Joel: [ala Mel Gibson in Bravehart] Stand with me, My Moonies! And we
shall drive the Godless Dragonballers from our net! They may take away
our lives, but they'll never take away...OUR AMI!!!
Tom: [Stereotypical Southern Preacher] And we shall smite the heathen
Moonies through the power of our Saiyan Lords! Kama-hame-ha! And Amen!
>The endless collecting of anime products deemed by fans as sacred
>objects. This is clearly a form of idolatry
Tom: I don't doubt that there are people like that around. But I'm
pretty sure they're all too busy in chat rooms with the other pasty
skinned freaks to bother the normal people.
>and all gods are false, my friends.
Crow: Both of you.
Joel: Bow before my superior Atheist intellect, peons!
>I've been to several conventions
Tom: Translation: two.
>and witnessed braindead kids dole out hundreds of dollars to buy
>worthless cels which are valued like religions icons.
Joel: Wasn't that a Simpsons episode?
>Cds often go for 200 dollars.
Tom: Canadian, I hope!
>Worse is the violence and hatred which is so much a part of culture of
>otakudom.
Crow: What? Does he think we run around in feudal armor, lopping
people's heads off because they think Robotech sucks?
Tom: "We?"
Crow: Shut Up!!!
>I've attended several conventions where I gave anti-anime speeches and
>halfway thru the lecture many vile and lowdown infantile kids started
>screaming and tossing objects my way.
Joel: I'm sure that the fact that I kept calling them idiots had
nothing to do with it!
>In every case, I had to be escorted out by hotel security.
Tom: And we don't see a pattern here?
>In the worst incident, three guards were wounded, I suffered a broken
>jaw, and 50 otakus had to be arrested.
Crow: And this had nothing to do with the fact that they were all
trying to kill me!
>Go to any anime website and it's called a worship center. A church. A
>temple.
Crow: Any website?
Joel: Well, let's see...[Pulls out a laptop] Hmm...Anipike...No
mentions of temples, shrines or churches. Anime Craze? Bigfire?
Umm...whoa!
Crow: Yeah, it's one of my favorites, too!
>Now, how can any sane person worship some silly anime character with
>oversized eyes?
Crow: Simple: the sane ones don't!
>The values that we need in order prosper as a democracy are freedom,
>individuality, equality between the sexes, and healthy respect for
>higher culture.
Tom: Now do what I tell you to!
>But anime is antifreedom.
Crow: Ohh...Kay...
Joel: This I gotta hear!
>It's often authoritarian and about aggression and domination--too
>often sexually.
Crow: And what's wrong with that?
Tom: Easy, Crow!
>It is not about individuality but about worshipping those in power
>whether thru firepower or muscle power.
Joel: "Firepower or Muscle Power", hmm? I guess that explains all
those Madoka and Kyoko shrines.
>It mocks women as nothing but a pretty face and nice body. And it goes
>for the lowest common denomiator.
Crow: You just described every Farelly Brothers movie.
>It is for the unwashed masses. I ask all of you to join us in our
>fight against christian, jewish, islamic, and new age intolerance.
Tom: [Author] Join us in our all-encompassing Godless intolerance!
What are you waiting for, you brainwashed idiots! Can't you see I'm
right?
>But in order to do so, you must reject the god of anime.
Joel: Tezuka?
Tom: Takahashi?
Crow: Shirow?
Joel: Chief?
Crow: McCloud!
>People don't watch anime, they invest their whole lives and energies
>into it.
Joel: Yeah, I've seen pictures of Gundam addicts on TV. Sad really.
Crow: The real shame is those poor babies addicted to Evangelion!
Tom: Real shame!
>People don't consume anime,
Tom: They prefer to mainline it!
>anime consumes people. Just look at the Pokemon craze.
Tom: Which differs how from the Ninja Turtle or Power Ranger craze?
Crow: Weren't you paying attention? Anime = Satan spawn.
Joel: Or in this guys case, Anime = flamebait rant.
>Young children worshipping a rabbit named chickapoo
Crow: Ok: Lame attempt at a joke or he really doesn't know!
Tom: I'd say joke. This guy seems to know just enough about anime to
have a real handle on the stereotypes.
>and spending all their dimes and nickels in piggy banks on $5 anime
>cards. Now, is this just capitalism?
All: Yes?
>No, it's the evil of religion.
Joel: Right. Hide the kids, guys! It's The Cult of Pokemon!
Tom: [singing] Pie Iesu domine
Joel and Crow: Dona eis Pikachu
>Religion need not be an established religion.
Crow: Religion need not be a ...wha...
Tom: I think at this point, he was just punching in whatever was on
his mind.
>Rather it is a state of mind.
Joel: My state of mind is that I'm an egotistical, atheist, trolling
wanker.
>Communism was a religion in practice and in the mindset it instilled
>amongst the faithful.
Crow: Umm...No it wasn't.
>Elvis has become a religions icon.
Joel: Hey! You leave the King out of this!
>Beatlemania was fanatical madness.
Tom: Sure. If you were fifteen, female, and lived in the 60s.
>We must fight against this mindset that promotes extremes of emotion,
>of devotion, of blindness and hate.
Joel: You think this would a good spot to bring up the old "Atheism IS
a religion" argument.
Tom: What? And get him talking again?
>Thank for reading my post and I hope you join our society.
Crow: Not even if you sent a space shuttle to pick me up
>In order to become a member, please email me.
Joel: Please? I promise not to call you an idiot too many times?
Tom: Let's roll fellas!
[All Leave]
[6]…[5]…[4]…[3]…[2]…[1]…[ * ]
Crow: Joel?
Joel: Yes Crow?
Crow: Why does it seem like anytime an atheist posts anything on a
newsgroup it’s either a blatant troll attempt or pathetic “I’m an
atheist, therefore better than you” flamebait?
Tom: Yeah, Joel! You have to admit that a lot of those post seem to
have this idea that a firm belief that there is no God tends to give
these guys some sore of morally superior air.
Joel: You guys! It’s not always like that. You’re going to find smug
little crackpots in every walk of life.
Tom: That’s true. It’s not like jokers like Rudy Ciello speak for all
atheists everywhere.
Joel: Just remember; the Mads hand pick most of the stuff we read , so
we’re going to get a large dose of the stupids.
Crow: True. But it doesn’t make me feel any better.
[D-13]
Dr.F: Nor should it, Beak boy! And speaking of pain, back to the
theatre with you! It’s time for the main event! And yes, it will make
you feel even worse!
Crow: Leave it to Dr. F to pour salt in the wounds!
Tom: It is what he does.
Joel: Never mind all that! WE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!
[1]…[2]…[3]…[4]…[5]…[6]…[*]
>From: an19...@anon.penet.fi (Pussy Willow) Reply-To:
>an19...@anon.penet.fi
Crow: [Pepe LePew] Ah, mah anon penet fi!
>Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 09:15:48 UTC
Tom: A day that will live in almanacs!
>Subject: REPOST:
Joel: Because not enough people were sickened the first time!
> Voyager Story: S-Space Part 1 (mast, F, FF, Fm)
Tom: "F, FF, Fm?"
Crow: Fi, FiFo, Fum?
>I'm reposting these because the others seemed to vanish without a
>trace... - Pussy Willow
Crow: I haven't read this yet, but that sounded like a good plan!
Joel: C'mon, Crow! Give it a chance!
Tom: Yeah, I thought you'd be all over a chance to see a slutty Seven
of Nine.
Crow: Hmm...There is that...
>Don't read this if you don't like sex.
Crow: Rats! Still in!
>Don't read this if you're under 18.
Joel: Sit down, guys!
Bots: [Already getting up] Aw, man!
>Don't read this if you don't like something that you think
>is 'demeaning to women'
Tom: [Author] The women in my story are utter sluts. Deal with it.
>and don't read this if womem on women disgust you.
Joel: That depends - What's a "womem"?
Tom: I don't even want to think about that!
>The rest is up to you. I happen to be a woman
Joel: With a name like "Pussy Willow" , you're either a woman or as
gay as Dick's hatband.
Tom: I've always wondered about that saying. Who's Dick? And what did
this guys' hatband look like to say that about him.
Crow: Tommy! It's just a saying!
Joel: You should really just relax.
>and don't think sex is demeaning to us in any way.
Crow: Translation...
Bots: LESBIAN!!!
>The choice to read is up to you.
Tom: Then I choose not to.
[Bots get up]
Joel: Guys...
Bots: Awww...! [Sits back down]
>I would appreciate any comments or story ideas for later stories.
Joel: Let us read it first, will you!
>Feel free to contact me through the anon service. I would escpecially
>like to hear what women think of the story and ask their story ideas
>for further adventures.
Tom: I'm thinking the typical female reaction will be along the lines
of "EEEWWW!"
>Pussy Willow //////////////////////////////////////
Joel: Why am I suddenly hearing the Benny Hill theme?
>Voyager: Mommy?
All: Uh-oh.
Tom: Heads up, guys! Incoming wrongness!
>Part 1:
Crow: The sequel.
>Janeway stared out of the portal in her ready room. Its been weeks
>since she saw her husband and she missed him.
Crow: Umm...I'm not the biggest Trekie...
Joel: "Trekker"
Crow: ..."Trekker" around, but since when is Janeway married?
Tom: Alternate universe?
>She thought of how he used to touch her, how he used to cry out in
>pain when she sent the whip cracking across his hot little ass.
All: O_o
Tom: Whoa! Warp 9 to the Out of Character system!
Crow: I always suspected she was into the kinky stuff!
>She remembered the lines the ropes would make when it intersected with
> his pale skin.
Joel: So suddenly she's the Captain of the USS Dominatrix?
>She raised a hand up to touch a breast through her uniform.
Crow: She suddenly panicked when she realized that the breast wasn't
hers.
Tom: Got to hand it to Ms. Willow; none of this set up or exposition
for her.
Joel: Nope! Straight to the OOC sex scenes.
>The nipple was already hard and her touch sent shivers through her
>body.
Joel: And straight into the cliches.
>Now all the men she had sex with ran through her mind as she got even
>more heated up.
Tom: "All the men?"
Joel: Guys, I think this is Janeway's alternate universe twin: Horny
Janeway.
>The admiral she had sex with for a week to get the captaincy popped
>into her head
Crow: Causing her head to explode.
Tom: I'm going with Joel's "Hornyverse" theory. It's a lot easier on
the brain that way.
>as she unbuttoned her uniform and let it fall to the floor. Her
>breasts jutted proudly forward
Joel: [Janeway's breasts] We're real, and we're fabulous!
>and she traced a nipple with her left hand.
Tom: She's going a little far with the tracing! I mean just because
she couldn't draw Timmy the Turtle!
>She moaned low as the sensations came in through the memories.
All: [singing] Moan low! Sweet OOC!
>She sucked on a finger of her right hand, pretending it was a cock
Joel: Must be some imagination!
Crow: Or Janeway isn't that choosy!
Tom: Ouch!
>as she pinched the nipple with her left. She moaned more, louder, and
> arched her back.
Crow: All that from just fingering her nipples?
Joel: Lemon cliché #2: All women have incredibly large and/or sensitive
breasts.
>She ripped off her bra and the rest of her clothes and left them in a
>pile on the floor.
Tom: She did all that and she wasn't even naked yet? How long as she
been without?
Crow: In times like this, I'm willing to volunteer my service to
Janeway!
Joel: Don't you mean "services"?
[Crow just looks at Joel]
Joel: Oh. Right.
[End part 1]
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