MiSTed - Ratliff-a-Go-Go (2/3)

[Bill Livingston]

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... O... ]

[The trio enters]
MIKE: "Ratliffology"?!? What were you thinking?
TOM: I thought they'd fall for it.
CROW: C'mon, Tom. Not even Ratliff fans are stupid enough to fall for
*that*! A science fiction author *and* a religious leader. Sheesh!

>Subject: Its been a while ...

TOM: What does he mean? We just read one of his stories!
MIKE: Yes, but if we go by the book, minutes seem like days.
CROW: Is it too early to shout "Fanboy" yet?
MIKE: Wait a few minutes.

>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)

TOM: Sure, rub it in!

>Date: 1997/08/18
>Message-Id: <5ta9ir$t...@newslink.runet.edu>
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc

CROW: And they are...?
MIKE: Recording Artist Transvestites with Mobile System Transports in a
range of three kilometers with miscible feature?
CROW: Yeah, you're probably right.

>
>It has been a while since I last posted here. I was going to follow-up
>to the group MSTing of "Premier Maquis,"

MIKE: Marqui!
TOM: Marquis!
CROW: Macaroons!

> but I had to go to my cousin
>Kara's wedding at the time.

CROW: [quietly] Um, you don't think that Ratliff's cousin is blonde and
hails from Argo City, do you?
TOM: YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME, SON OF RATLIFF!

> Well I finally got around to reading it
>all, and I must compliment you all on your resourcefullness.

CROW: Well, y'know - a drinking straw, a used Kleenex, some stale
Diet Rite, a few McGuyver reruns, and anyone can make their
own soap at home!

> I don't
>think you missed one opportunity in the whole work. The Host scenes
>were well written as well.

TOM: Host scenes? There was a party and we weren't invited?!?
CROW: We never get to go anywhere fun!

>
>Now that I've patted the MSTers on the back,

MIKE: MSTer Bojangles?
TOM: MSTer Belvedere?
CROW: Personally, I'd rather pat the MSTresses on the...
MIKE: That's a good way to lose an arm!
CROW: Hey, none better!

> I'll recommend both
>versions to everyone.

MIKE: Regular and new extra-deadly!

> My personall choice of the two is the shorter
>one, but you all knew that.

ALL: We knew that!

>
>Now for the usual announcements of evil :)

MIKE: The remaining evil will go on sale for 75 cents a slice
TOM: And with each evil purchased, you get a free :)

> The revision of Battle For
>Bajor has begun it's posting to ASC.

CROW: I wonder if they print in ASC-II?
TOM: Or if they paid their musical fees to ASC-AP!
CROW: [giggling] I bet they all wear tastefully knotted ASC-ots!
TOM: [snickering] Yeah, but they're all worn ASC-ance!
MIKE: All right, now, that's enough of that!
TOM: Sorry, Mike - but they were just ASCing for it!! BWAHAHAHAH!!!
MIKE: [Puts head in hands] I knew I shoulda stood in bed this morning!

> Less than 5% remains from the
>original "A Gul's Revenge"

CROW: Marrissa by-products?

> and I will welcome anyone to try MSTing it.

TOM: Does this mean we have to sit through it *again*?!?
MIKE: It's starting to look that way, yeah.
CROW: So Mike, why *does* the universe hate us?
MIKE: I don't know.

>Not that I'm asking for it,

TOM: Even though he just kinda did.

> but you all seem to do it anyway

CROW: Of course we do them anyway! Forrester keeps sending them to us!
WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER!
MIKE: Calm down, Crow, it could be worse.
CROW: How?!? How could it possibly be any worse?!?
MIKE: Coleman Francis could have made a *fourth* movie.

>and the previous version's MSTing was insturmental in this revision.

TOM: It was indrangmental in the revision too.

>
>A new Marrissa Story will be coming this fall.

MIKE: To NBC's new "Must-She" Monday night line-up!

> I just finished "All the
>King's Horses"

TOM: They were delicious!

> At this time the dibs for that story is open.
>(Eventhough the first part doesn't hit the net for another two months)

CROW: "Eventhough"? Ratliff's starting to talk like Shatner.
TOM: Wasn't "Eventhough" a song on "Ten"?

>I ask who ever gets dibs on it to e-mail me for an advance copy. I
>don't bite.

TOM: Aw, you're no fun anymore!

>
>Now for a little fun.

CROW: We're going to take the cast of "Real Life" and strand them on a
desert island along with the Spice Girls. Watch the fun and guess
who'll snap first.

> A while back someone brought up crossover
>attempts with anime in a post with my name in it.

TOM: I believe the exact reference was "Gee, doesn't it seem like pre-teen
girls are all-powerful in most anime?" "Oh, just like in a Ratliff
story."

> This inspired several
>days of comments and a drawing on the web titled "Sailor Marrissa"

CROW: Um...
MIKE: It's the internet, Crow. The drawing's probably on the same webpage
as those "Life of Christ as told through Legos" pictures.

>That drawing inspired the following short.
>

MIKE: Thanks, whoever you are.

>The challenge I'm offering is, I'm posting this to ratmm only.

CROW: If we received it, then wasn't it posted to the internet?
TOM: Gee, we should thank those people at Ratmm for forwarding it to us.
MIKE: Who are these Ratmm people, and why does Ratliff keep
mentioning them?

> I have no
>place for this in my Marrissa Stories at the moment and I am not likely
>to.

MIKE: So, Mr. "I've got a twelve year old saving the Federation from
certain destruction" has found something that even he can't accept?

> Your job

MIKE: Mister Phelps,

> is to MST this short in follow-ups to this article.

TOM: If you fail in your mission, The Best Brains will disavow any
knowledge of your existence.
CROW: "Puppet show? We've never done a puppet show. All we've done is
that Bloodhook movie."

>Should you chose to accept this challenge, you will receive some mention
>on the web somewhere.

CROW: Probably the "Wired/Tired" list.

> You also get the pleasure of downing 2 series at
>once.

TOM: [game show announcer] You also get this handsome set of Samsonite
luggage; a complete set of the Encyclopedia Americana; and a year's
supply of Turtlewax for your starship, shuttlecraft, or runabout!
CROW: Which will promptly be blown up on the next episode of Voyager
MIKE: Those are shuttlecraft, not runabouts.
CROW: Well, they'd blow them up too, if they had them.

> Now on with the show ...
>
>Marrissa as Sailor Moon in:
>Moondusted

TOM: [singing] Some walk by ni-i-i-ight, soo-o-ome fly by day...

>
> Three girls were seated at an outdoor restaurant in downtown
>Tokyo.

CROW: One left heading east at 40 mph, one went south at 50 mph, and
one traveled northwest at 60 mph. Which one will escape from
this fanfic first?

> One, a short black, almost blue haired girl, was leafing through
>a text book.

TOM: "Nope. You're not in this one either, M."

> Another, a long black haired girl, was staring at the
>third, who was downing her second hamburger.

TOM: Sailor James Garner!

> "Serena, I don't know
>how you are able to consume so much," the girl said to the blond with
>twin pony tails.

TOM: There are two steps, honey. Bingeing *and* purging.

> "Either here or on the Enterprise. You are going to get fat."
> "I'm a growing girl, Rea," Serena responded.
> "Which way, up or out?" Rea returned.

CROW: Meow. Hiss. Hiss.
TOM: Mike, did Ratliff just make a sexual reference?
MIKE: Yeah, yeah he did.
TOM: Oh.
[Short pause]
ALL: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
CROW: Ratliff's been possessed by Russ Myer! RUN!!!

> "Excuse me, Serena," the short haired girl interrupted.

TOM: Your cousin Samantha is here - she wants to know if you turned
her husband Durwood into a woodchuck.

> "Is it
>normal for large numbers of people to suddenly collapse outside shopping
>malls?"

CROW: Sure. Haven't you ever heard of "shop till you drop?"

> "Where Ami?"

MIKE: You're in a bad piece of fanfiction. Our condolences.

> a black cat with a crescent moon on her forehead
>asked.
> "Over there, Luna," Ami returned. A large number of adults had
>collapsed with the hair of a strange maiden attached to their heads.

CROW: Boy, that's *really* hard to manage hair!
TOM: So, Ratliff's latest creation to allow youth to shine is hair that
strangles only adults?
MIKE: And we thought the Ratliff gas was silly.

> "Scouts, it's time to transform," Luna ordered.

CROW: [singing] More than meets the eye...

> "Right," Rea said holding up her transformation wand. "Mars
>Power Makeup."

TOM: Mars power! That's the cry of the Mrrrs Grrrls.

> Rea goes though the typical transformation sequence,
>turning into Sailor Mars.
> "Mercury Power Makeup," Ami said, raising her wand

TOM: Whoops. Wrong gender for THAT sexual imagery, Steve.

>beginning the transformation into Sailor Mercury.

TOM: Actually, she turns into Sailor Mercury Premier Grand Ma(r)qui(s)
CROW: Geez, Tommy, you're gonna sprain something if you're not careful!

> Lastly, Serena raised her wand and shouted, "Moon Power Makeup."
>She also began her transformation to Sailor Moon.

MIKE: And the crowd goes wild.
ALL: [dully] Ya-a-a-ay.

> The sequences finished, they began to run toward the scene of
>the attack. Suddenly a voice interrupted them, "Red Alert,

MIKE: Damned Soviet tank rush. Grr.....

>all hands to battle stations. Lieutenant Picard, report to the bridge."
>It was Commander Riker.

CROW: ...who slew the evil Yogo Junzo, and soon became the Emperor of
Rokugan.

> "Computer save program and exit," Serena, also known as
>Lieutenant Marrissa Picard ordered. "We better get to stations, Clara.
>T'Luv, I hope we'll be able to continue later."

MIKE: T'Luv? Who's T'Luv?
TOM: Hey, what's *not* T'Luv? BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
CROW: Mike - let's kill him
MIKE: Uh-uh - that may be just what he wants

> "I will be here,"

MIKE: [singing] Yah Mo Be There.
BOTS: [singing] Up and over...

> Ami responded as Marrissa and Clara rushed out
>of the holodeck, still in their sailor scout customs.

CROW: And we must respect their customs and traditions.

>
> Marrissa rushed on to the bridge, still attired in her sailor
>scout outfit.

TOM: Groowwwl.
MIKE: Tom, that's *Marrissa* that you're talking about.
TOM: AAAIIIIIEEE! [Tom's head begins to smoke.]

> She took over Tactical

MIKE: ...as the first step in her plan to RULE THE UNIVERSE!!!

>and quickly read the status display. Two Romulan Warbirds had
>decloaked in front of the Enterprise-E

MIKE: So, even in the 24th century, they still can't stop flashers?

>and had weapons charged.

TOM: At nine and a quarter percent, not counting late fees.

> Her father asked, "Open hailing frequencies, Lieutenant."

MIKE: And what was the answer?
CROW: "Who are you?" he plainly stated.

>A Romulan Admiral appeared on screen. "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard
>of the Starship Enterprise. What brings you to Federation space, Admiral
>Parvick?"

CROW: [Parvick] This big honking ship, you idiot! I demand you hand over
all of that refreshing beverage known as Surge!

> "I'm in Federation Space, I didn't know," the Romulan smiled.

TOM: He must not have noticed the aura of goodness surrounding the
Federation.
CROW: Or the "Speed Limit: Warp 5" signs.

> "Do you need assistance?" Picard asked.

TOM: [Picard] Take my daughter - please!

> "No thank you Captain. I can find my way home," the Romulan
>said. "I see Star Fleet has changed uniforms for it's females again."

MIKE: Must be time for another movie.

> All eyes turned to the only female on the bridge at the moment,
>Marrissa.

ALL: D'OH!
TOM: Jeez. The stooges wouldn't have even fallen for that one.

> Marrissa however, had her eyes on her display. She caught
>signs of the warbird's impeding phaser discharge,

MIKE: Oops! Well, that kind of blockage happens to Romulan ships unless
they get lots of roughage.

> and muted the channel,
>calling out, "They're opening fire."

CROW:... said Marrissa, stealing a line, and negating Sister State-the-
Obvious' only reason for being in the story.

>Moments later the channel closed
>and the Enterprise rocked under the phaser impact.

TOM: Enterprise - the rockinest' ship in the quadrant!

> "Evasive maneuvers, CONN,"

TOM: CCCOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! Heh. That one never gets old.

>Picard ordered. "Tactical, fire phasers, ready photons."

MIKE: "Okay. Photons, ready phasers, fire tactical. [beat] D'oh!"
TOM: Wait a minute! The Enterprise-E fires *Quantum* torpedoes.
CROW: Fan boy.
TOM: Take that back!
CROW: Make me.
MIKE: Keep it up and you'll be out there listening to "Ode to Ratliff."
BOTS: We'll be good.

> Phasers lanced out from the Enterprise-E. The Romulan warbird
>took them straight on and returned fire. Another round came from the
>Enterprise, coupled with quantum torpedoes.

CROW: Boy, Ratliff's pouring a lot of sexual imagery into this one.
TOM: [Hrumph] And quantum torpedoes aren't even the Enterprise's type.

>The phasers hit the warbird in the front, while the torpedoes impacted on
>each side.
> "Romulan shields down," Marrissa reported. "They are asking for
>a conditional surrender."

MIKE: [Churchillian] Never! We shall fight Romulans on the beaches! We
shall fight them on the shore!
TOM: Shouldn't we just fight them on Romulus?

> "There conditions?" Picard asked.

CROW: No. There wolf.

>"Safe passage back to Romulus."

TOM: So some hot-shot Romulan admiral just wanders over the neutral
zone and casually appears in front of the most powerful ship in
the Federation, hoping for a random fashion faux pas to distract
the bridge crew with so he can destroy them?
MIKE: C'mon, Tom, you know the only thing dumber than a Ratliff
Federation adult is a Ratliff non-Federation adult!

>"They may have it, if they dump there phaser core,"

CROW: No, there phaser core, there conditions, there wolf...

>Captain Picard said. "And Marrissa, what are you doing in

MIKE: [Picard] ...Charge of the weapons console? You should be in your
9th grade Civics class right now, shouldn't you?

> that ridiculous
>outfit. That skirt is way to short."
> "Yes, Lieutenant, I can almost see..." Commander Riker began.

BOTS: HEY!!!
MIKE: Oh, yuck! I need a shower now!
CROW: I need my eyes ripped out now!
TOM: [Sobbing] Mike, make him stop...
MIKE: Jeez. I never thought that I'd be reading a story where
Ratliff's acting worse than you two.

> "That will be enough, Commander," Picard said. "Well, Lieutenant?"
> "I was taking some recreation on the holodeck, per Counselor
>Troi's recommendation,"

MIKE: So, y'think Troi was hoping for another holodeck malfunction?

> Marrissa said. "This is Sailor Moon's custom

CROW: Great! Let me hit the duty-free shop before we go through the line.

>from the late twentieth century Japanese Animated program of that name.
>I didn't have time to change.

MIKE: [Marrissa] So we couldn't play "Ranma 1/2", and this was the only
other one I knew, and...

> Red Alert requires immediate response."
> "Sailor Moon," Riker said. "I believe I know of the program.
>Any openings?"

TOM: Great, Riker's got a Sailor Moon fetish. There's something I really
wanted to picture.

>"Only as villains," Marrissa replied.

MIKE: ME!
CROW: I'll do it!
TOM: PLEASE! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PICK ME!

> "And that can be totally anonymous. I don't know who's playing Tuxedo
>Mask, but the computer says it's taken."

MIKE: I think it's some penguin.
CROW: [Tennessee Tuxedo] Come along, Chumley!

>
> After things had quieted down, Marrissa was dismissed, leaving
>Commander Riker and Captain Picard to talk. "So Commander, are you
>planning on taking a villainous role."

MIKE: [Riker] Well, I've got this identical twin, and one of us has to
be evil, so I figured, why not me?

> "If Jadeite isn't taken, yes," Riker said. "But you better
>worry about who is playing Tuxedo Mask. He's the man Sailor Moon is
>destined to marry."

BOTS: NOOOOOO!!!!!
TOM: He's going to make us re-read "A Royal Wedding" too!

> "She's too young to be the target of a man's affections," Picard
>responded. "She's only fourteen."

MIKE: It's Steven Ratliff's "Lolita".

> "You must have missed all of the young ensigns staring at her
>when she came back from last week's diplomatic reception on Starbase 47
>for the new Klingon Ambassador," Riker said.

MIKE: [Picard] Yes, I missed them. My sights kept throwing my shots
off to the left.

> "They were almost fighting over who could ask her if she needed
>directions, before she yelled at Ensign Finn

CROW: It's Cadet Finnegan, Commander Finney, and Ensign Finn in "The Star
Fleet Fish Police"!

> for not paying
attention to
>orders. It wasn't until she told him to report to her office at 0800 hours
>that they realized that she was Chief of Security."
>
> "That is worrisome," Picard said,

TOM: [Picard] At the rate she's advancing through the ranks, she'll be
commander of Starfleet by the time that she's 25. Heh. Like that
would ever happen.

>checking something on his console.

CROW: [Picard] Nope. I forgot to install that Tantalus device again.

> "I don't need to worry about Tuxedo Mask though. I just put
>you down for Jadeite though,

MIKE: Jean-Luc Picard. MUD sysop.

>so you better get down to the holodeck.
>You're up in fifteen minutes when they resume."

CROW: Sir! The Borg, the Dominion, and the Klingons are all attacking!
TOM: [Picard] Never mind that, Commander - we have an RPG to get to!

>
> Marrissa, Clara, and T'Luv gathered outside of Holodeck,
>readying to resume their program. They were still dressed in their
>Sailor Scout outfits. T'Luv had her visor down.

CROW: She's trolling for Geordi!

> "How did you design
>this, Clara?" T'Luv asked. "It's more comprehensive than a tricorder."

TOM: It's tricorder EXXXTTTTTTTRRRRREEEEEMMMEEEEE!!!!!

> "I designed it so it could replace the tricorder," Clara said.
>"A no hands device would be an advantage."
> "How did you get the holodeck to change our outfits?" T'Luv asked.

MIKE: [Clara] By running that new program, "ARMANI-1"

> "Transporter effects," Clara said. "I can actually do most of
>the transformation outside the holodeck."
> "Fascinating."

TOM: [T'Luv] I'm a Vulcan, and you've managed to bore even *me*!

> "That's Clara. Give her a challenge and let her go," Marrissa
>began. "I'm beginning to think she's a miracle worker."

MIKE: No, Scotty's a miracle worker. Clara's only got ENGINEERx2 on
her card.

> "That's one definition of a Engineer," Clara responded.

TOM: Another is "Person with no social life."
CROW: Hey! We all brought bananas for lunch again!

>"I'm not that good yet though."
> "I'm willing to give you time," Marrissa said. "Shall we go,
>Ladies."
>
> Commander Riker sauntered into the waiting room inside the
>holodeck.

CROW: Yeah, I think "saunter" is pretty much the right word for Riker.

Wesley Crusher was there, adjusting the bow-tie on his
>tuxedo.

MIKE: Okay, let's get this out of the way.
ALL: SHUT UP WESLEY!

> "Wes, I didn't know you were on board,"Riker said.

TOM: [Riker] Damn proximity alarms failed again.

> "I told my Mom and the Captain," Wes said. "For some reason,
>the Traveler thought that playing this game with Marrissa was important.

CROW: [Wesley] I *think* he said it was this game. It might have been
"Uno" - you can never tell with the Traveler, he mumbles so much!
TOM: HOLD IT! Wesley is playing Tuxedo Mask, who Sailor Moon is
destined to marry? That means that Marrissa is going to marry -
*Wesley*?!? [Tom's head begins to smoke.]
MIKE: Calm down, Tom.
CROW: Think of their kids.
[Tom's head explodes with a BOOM]
MIKE: You did that on purpose.
CROW: Hee hee hee!
[Mike reaches under his seat and begins to replace Tom's head.]

>Who are you playing?"

MIKE: "The Packers, of course."
CROW: Whoo-hoo! PACKERS WIN, PACKERS WIN!!!

> "Jadeite," Riker responded.

CROW: So the number one leisure activity of the 24th Century is "Sailor
Moon" roleplaying?!?
MIKE: Number four, actually. Right after Ballroom Dancing, thinking up
new ways to enforce the Prime Directive, and "Scattergories".

> "You're uniform is over there," Wesley remarked. "I can't wait
>to see how Mom does a Queen Beryl."

MIKE: No comments about Crusher "doing" anyone, okay?
CROW: Spoilsport.
[Mike finishes the reassembly of Tom's head. Tom turns to face Crow.]
TOM: You realize, of course, this means war.
CROW: Hey, you got to miss the story. It's nearly over.
TOM: Really? Oh, well, thank you, Crow!!

> "Some how I can't see the Doctor playing an evil queen," Riker
>responded.

TOM: Yeah. Was Picardo even in "To Wong Foo... ?"

> "She's got the hair," Wesley said. "And she use to tell me that
>the best doctors were also actors."

CROW: [Wes] Then again, she used to tell me that sticking my hand in
boiling water was a quite pleasant experience. She also believed
"Chicago Hope" was a documentary."
TOM: Hey! This isn't even close to over yet! Crow!
CROW: Hee hee hee!

> Sailors Mars, Mercury, and Moon entered the range of the monster

MIKE: It's the Sailor Squad in Hansel and Gretel.

>whose long hair was draining the energy from a large number of people.

CROW: Crystal Gayle, no!

>The Monster looked up at the approaching threesome and asked, "Who are
>you?"

TOM: WHOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU?????????
CROW: We are the Three Amigos!
MIKE: Hello, I'm Herb Patterson, and I'd like to speak to you about
your life insurance needs.

> Sailor Moon began her speech, "I am Sailor Moon,"
> "Sailor Mercury..."
> "and Sailor Mars ..."

MIKE: I'm Sailor Grayson!
CROW: Sailor We-Made-It!
TOM: And Sailor Trantor!

> "We're the Sailor Scouts champions of Love and Justice," Sailor
>Moon continued. "Together we will right wrongs and triumph over evil.

ALL: Huzzah!

>And that means you."

MIKE: [Marrissa] Oh, and Doug Herzog too. But that goes without saying.

> "Oh really," the monster responded, launching her hair towards
>the dodging girls.

TOM: Okay, that's four people with Living Hair. Someone update the
stat.

> After a few minutes of dodging hair, the girls began to tire.
> "Dodging this hair is tough," Mercury remarked.
> "I don't think I can dodge it much longer," Moon moaned.

CROW: Then try the new Dodge!
MIKE: This Changes Everything!

> On cue, a red rose shot by, implanting itself between the scouts
>and the monster. The man who had thrown it was standing on a fruit
>stand,

CROW: ...which was instantly hit by the participants of a car chase.

> his cape blowing in the wind.

TOM: [singing] Come and hear the mu-u-u-usic of the night...

> "Scouts, don't give up," he said.

MIKE: [singing, falsetto] 'Cause you have friends...

> Sailor Moon sighed, "Tuxedo Mask."

TOM: [Jim Carrey] Ooooooh, somebody stop me!!!

> "When hair first gets in your way, you brush it away," he
>continued

CROW: [Tuxedo] But remember, 40 strokes.

> "Eventually, you do have to cut it."

MIKE: Combat advice by Mr. Tuxedo of Beverly Hills.

> "Right," Sailor Mars said. She began calling upon her powers,
>"Mars Fire Ignite." A ball of flame shot out from Mars's hands and hit
>the monster, performing a crude haircut.

CROW: Which she charged $125 for.
TOM: Yeah, and the other sailor scouts had to wait on the runway
until she was done!

> "You're turn Sailor Moon."

CROW: "No, I'm human Sailor Moon. Tern Sailor Moon has wings and a
beak."

> Sailor Moon pulled herself out of her staring at Tuxedo Mask,
>"What, right," she began. She reached up for her tiara and said, "Moon
>Tiara Magic." She tossed her tiara at the beast like a Frisbee.

MIKE: Unfortunately, a small dog caught it and returned it to her.

>It impacted the monster, turning it to dust. "Moon dusted."

CROW: Hence, the name of this piece of luna-cy!
TOM: Hmm. I guess the "It's a Moon-ka-bob" line didn't test well.

> Suddenly a man in a Negaverse General's outfit appeared
>floating.

CROW: Hey, it's that whatsisname guy from "Dune"!

> "I see you defeated my monster. Well there are more where
>they came from." He vanished.

CROW: Lord Zedd?
TOM: Or Witchie-Poo.

> "I must go as well," Tuxedo Mask said. "Remember Scouts, trust
>yourselves and you can win."
> "He's so cute," Sailor Mars said.

TOM: It's Wesley! [His head begins to smoke and shake.]
CROW: Methinks that Mars has a co-dependency problem.

> "I saw him first," Sailor Moon responded. Sailor Mercury looked
>up to the sky, wondering why she put up with them.

MIKE: Cause everybody's crazy about a sharp dressed man?

>That's all folks ...

TOM: Thankfully. Unfortunately, we still have the fan club to deal
with...[They leave.]

[O... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]

[The bridge is empty. After a moment, Mike, Tom and Crow cautiously
peer up from behind the control console.]
CROW: They're not here.
[The three stand up.]
MIKE: Whew. I don't think I could've survived another "Tribute to Ratliff."
I wonder where they went?
TOM: They're probably building a mile high statue of Steve on the ship's
hull.
MIKE: Don't give them any ideas.

[Gypsy wanders in]

MIKE: Hey Gypsy? Where'd the fan club run off to?
GYPSY: Oh, they're burning Tom in effigy down in the cargo bay.
MIKE: Well, as long as they're doing something constructive.
CROW: A Marrissa/ Sailor Moon crossover. Ratliff is sinking to a new low.
TOM: Well, not really. Even in his earliest stories, Stephen has used
characters from a wide variety of sources in his stories.
Enterprized, for example, used Spock in it. And A Gul's Revenge had
Marrissa teaming up with the DS9 people. And Time Speeder had Bill
and Chelsea in it.
MIKE: Don't remind us - brrr!)
TOM: I'm just surprised that it took him this long to crossover with
characters outside of Star Trek.
CROW: Yeah, you're right! Just look at the crossovers that he's missing
out on. He could team Marrissa up with Mulder and Scully. She'd
find out the truth behind the conspiracy, arrest Cancer Man, and
bring Earth into an alliance with the aliens! And that's just before
the first commercial break!
TOM: Or he could team Marrissa up with the Star Wars crew. You think
that you need an X-Wing to blow up a Death Star? Pshaw. Marrissa
could do it with a hairpin and a pencil.
CROW: Heck, he doesn't even need to keep her in science fiction. She could
team up with the cast from Friends. She'd patch up Ross and Rachel's
relationship in a second, and get the other four married off, too.
TOM: I thought that Ross and Marrissa were a couple.
CROW: D'oh!
TOM: Marrissa in Apocalypse Now! "Cardassia. I can't believe I'm back in
Cardassia."
CROW: Her name was Marrissa Flores Kane...
TOM: Who is Keyzer Soze? Marrissa!
CROW: It's the Dread Pirate Marrissa!
MIKE: Um, guys...
TOM: Or he could put her in books too! "Marrissa's Game!" Remember, the
enemy gate is down.
CROW: Marrissa Flores on Basilisk Station!
TOM: Bugs, Ms. Flores! Zillions of them!
CROW: Marrissa in Dune! "My name is a killing word."
MIKE: Guys...
TOM: Marrissa is Maverick in Top Gun 2!
CROW: Her name is Bond. Marrissa Bond.
MIKE: Guys...
TOM: Marrissa is the secret third Summers sibling!
CROW: Marrissa's the twelfth member of the JLA!
MIKE: GUYS! [The bots become quiet.] You do realize that Ratliff will
probably use all of those ideas, and we'll have to read them, right?
[The bots are silent for a moment. Then ...]
BOTS: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
[The fan-fic sign begins to flash.]
MIKE: [staring at the light] Why?!? Why couldn't you have flashed before
they started talking? [He hits the light. The usual panic ensues.]

(cont.)
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bi...@Traveller.COM http://www.hsv.tis.net/~bill
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