MiSTing: TimeLapse 1/8
Chris Mayfield
bad, it's TimeLapse. Truly a fanfic for our generation. I hope you
enjoy it and, as always, comments are welcome. Chris Mayfield,
camf...@iastate.edu
[General opening antics]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Mike is right in front of the camera, obscuring the scene
behind him.]
Mike: Hi, everybody, I'm Mike Nelson and I'm trapped up here on
the Sat-o-Love. My buddies here read the other day in a film
trivia book that the movie "Forbidden Planet" was based on
Shakespeare's "The Tempest." So we've decided to see what would
happen if you mixed other playwrights and sci-fi shows and
movies. Today: what if Sam Beckett, the time-traveling scientist,
was the same person as Sam Beckett, the avant guarde-theatre of
the absurd author? Let's watch.
[Mike moves out of the way. Behind him are Tom and Crow at the
desk. A single, cheaply made cardboard tree is pasted over the
doors.]
Crow: Do you think Ziggy will come up with the solution, Al?
Tom: Yes. I think so. Ziggy will come through, Sam.
Crow: Then again, maybe we will die here, alone and forgotten.
Tom: No. You are wrong. Ziggy will come.
[Off screen Gypsy is heard. As she comes on she says:]
Gypsy: La, la, la. I am the evil leaper, I am the bourgeoisie.
Today I am master, tomorrow I am slave. [turns to leave] La, la,
la.
Crow: I am sure I shall die here.
[Mike's head pops up.]
Mike: We'll be right back.
[Commercials.]
[Back on the SOL. Everything is back to normal, relatively
speaking. The bots are arguing with Mike.]
Mike: I'm sorry, but that's all we've got time for.
Crow: But what about my role in "Lapis Lazuli and Lorelei Lee are
Dead?"
Tom: I was just getting ready for my monologue from "War of the
Worlds."
Gypsy: What about my aria from Douglas Adams' "Nixon in Alpha
Centauri?"
All: What?
[Light flashes]
Mike: Oh, Isaac Ibsen is calling.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Ah, my little science fiction-theatre buffs, I have a treat
for you today. It's a fanfic. And not just any fanfic, but a Star
Trek fanfic. And not just any Star Trek fanfic, but an
exceptionally long, poorly written Star Trek fanfic.
[SOL]
Tom: Are there any other kind?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: [is about to say something, then stops, thinks, then says:]
Actually...[thinks some more] I...[thinks some more] Well,
there's...[thinks some more]
Your experiment today is TimeLapse. It's like Enterprized, except
without the charm and wit. But first, a little rambling from our
friends at alt.destroy.the.earth. And bite me, Tom Servo. It's
fun.
[SOL. Chaos.]
All: We've got usenet sign!!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>From: Green...@neonate.org (Green Ghost)
>Newsgroups: alt.devilbunnies,alt.destroy.the.earth,
>alt.alien.visitors
>Subject: What God wants God gets
Mike: [singing] What ever God wants, God gets. And little man,
little God wants you...
>Date: Fri, 28 Apr 95 05:48:37 EST
>Organization: The Village
Tom: Idiot.
> BBS
Crow: The Village BBS?
Mike: I am not a IP number, I am a free modem!
>Message-ID: <Green_Gh...@neonate.org>
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
>
> A few years back all the animals went away.
Mike: Police have a man in custody for questioning. They identify
him only as "Noah."
>
> We woke up one morning, and they just weren't there any
>more.
Crow: Just this glass bowl that said "So long, and thanks for all
the fish."
> They didn't even leave us a note, or say good-bye.
Tom: Possibly because they're *animals?*
> We never
>figured out quite where they'd gone.
>
> We missed them.
Mike: Come back, Shane's horse, come back!
>
> Some of us thought that the world had ended, but it hadn't.
Crow: It was just indefinitely postponed.
>There just weren't any more animals. No cats or rabbits, no dogs
>or whales, no fish in the seas, no birds in the skies.
>
> We were all alone.
Tom: Now is he talking animals as strictly those in the kingdom
Animalia, or does this include Protista and Monera? And how do
viruses figure in?
Mike: My little plastic friend, you are working too hard.
>
> We didn't know what to do.
>
> We wandered around lost,
Crow: Because when they left, the animals took all our maps with
them.
> for a time, and then someone
>pointed out
Tom: Jim Carey really isn't that funny.
> that just because we didn't have animals any more,
Crow: There's no reason to disband alt.sex.bestiality.
>that was no reason to change our lives. No reason to change our
>diets,
Mike: Except that all meat products had ceased to exist, there
were no bees to help pollinate plants, and the entire ecosphere
had undergone irreparable damage.
> or to cease testing products that might cause us harm.
Crow: Nope, wouldn't want to cease our ever-vigilant effort to
find new ways of killing ourselves.
>
> Babies can't talk. They can hardly move. A baby is not a
>rational, thinking creature.
Tom: Neither is the author.
>
> We made babies.
Crow: Out of plastic.
>
> And we used them.
Mike: It's a long fairway, curving to the right. You're gonna want
to use a 4 month old for this shot.
>
> Some of them we ate.
Crow: Soylent Green is made from little people!
> Baby flesh is tender, and succulent.
Mike: But Irish ones are the best. Just a modest proposal there.
>
> We flayed their skin, and decorated ourselves in it. Baby
>leather is soft, and comfortable.
Tom: But it's a bitch to keep clean.
>
> Some of them we tested.
Mike: Ralph Nadir demanded that all babies be installed with seat
belts.
>
> We taped open their eyes,
Crow: And forced them to watch marathons of Benny Hill and "Full
House."
Tom: You monster!
> dripped detergents and shampoos
>in, a drop at a time.
Mike: The horrible truth behind Johnson and Johnson's Baby
Shampoo.
>
> We scarred them, and scalded them. We burnt them. We clamped
>them and planted electrodes into their brains. We grafted, and we
>froze, and we irradiated.
Crow: [Dr. Strangelove] Babies will be bred and slaughtered!
>
> The babies breathed our smoke, and the babies' veins flowed
>with our medicines and drugs, until they stopped breathing, or
>until their blood ceased to flow.
Mike: It's Jim Henson's Lab Rat Babies!
>
> It was hard, of course, but it was necessary.
Tom: The human race has to prove its superiority over something.
>
> No-one could deny that.
Mike: Except, of course, for those people with *souls.*
>
> With the animals gone, what else could we do?
Crow: You toddler-hugging environmentalists seem to think that
babies are more important than jobs. You make me sick.
>
> Some people complained, of course. But then, they always do.
>
> And everything went back to normal.
Tom: Except for 90% of the ecosystem having disappeared.
>
> Only...
>
> Yesterday, all the babies were gone.
Crow: Honest! I put them right here!
Mike: Well if you put your babies back where you got them, this
wouldn't happen.
>
> We don't know where they went. We didn't even see them go.
>
> We don't know what we're going to do without them.
Tom: But there are lawyers and politicians and...
>
> But we'll think of something. Humans are smart. It's what
>makes us superior to the animals and the babies.
Tom: And lawyers and politicians and...
>
> We'll figure something out.
Crow: Uh, Mike, what does this have to do with God wanting and God
getting?
Mike: God knows...
[Massively annoying and unfunny 79 line sig clipped (yes, 79
lines)]
Tom: And now, our feature presentation.
>From: j...@tivoli.com (Joseph Young)
All: [singing] Joseph Young, Joseph Young, he's the source of all
our pain.
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Followup-To: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: AUTOPOST: TimeLapse.zip (part 01/02)
>Date: 3 May 1995 05:30:05 GMT
>Organization: Tivoli Systems Inc., Austin, TX
Mike: Tivoli Systems--it's BOLD!
>Message-ID: <3o74ct$2...@tivoli.tivoli.com>
>This is an automated reposting of fiction from the
>alt.startrek.creative archives.
>This is archive file: story/tng/Demetrius
Tom: Now is he the illegitimate son or the priest?
> _Pietz/TimeLapse.zip
>Any comments, questions, etc. about the archives may be
>addressed to j...@tivoli.com.
>============================CUT HERE=============================
>Exploding: story/tng/TimeLapse
>Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!udel!
>darwin.sura.net!haven.umd.edu!umbc3.umbc.edu!gmuvax2!dpietz
>From: dpi...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu (Demetrius Pietz)
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
>Subject: REPOST of "Time Lapse" part 1/5
Crow: One of five? Noooo!
Mike: Relax. It's probably five forty-line posts. It'll probably
be shorter than a single Ratliff chapter.
>Keywords: story
>Message-ID: <1991Sep16.2...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu>
>Date: 16 Sep 91 21:17:35 GMT
>Distribution: usa
Mike: Spamming the world, one country at a time.
>Organization: George Mason University, Fairfax Va.
>Lines: 254
Crow: Five posts of 254 lines each! Damn you Dr. Forrester!
Tom: Pardon me while I throw myself into the trash compactor.
>
>I appoligise for the delay in posting this. It was put off due to
>hardwear failures.
Crow: My computer kept vomiting my story up.
> The story has been legthened to 5 chapters to
>make posting easyer.
Mike: And reading harder.
Crow: [quietly, to himself] Five chapters...why?
> Again all typos and mistakes are not of my
>consern.
Tom: I can't be held responsible for my own inadequacies.
Mike: The legacy of Stephen Ratliff lives on.
Crow: All spelling errors are to be ingored.
>
>
> _______________
> /Due to recent /
> / events this /
>[][][][]/sig has been /[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
>The abo/censored for / been [] Demetrius Pietz
>Federa/the duration / [] dpi...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu
> - V /of the season / Command []
>[][]/ /[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
> /Romulan / Peace through superior Firepower!!
> / Command /
> /______________/
>
Mike: Ha, ha. It's Star Trek humor. Kill me now, please.
>
>
>Captian's log. Stardate 9358.7.
Crow: This fanfic is closed captian-ed for the intellect impaired.
>The Enterprise has suffered dammage
Tom: Our spel chekkur was irreveresely dammaged.
> after pasing throught a worm
>hole like rift we were investigating.
Mike: It's similar to a wormhole. It's called a plot hole.
> The ship has lost most of
>it's systems.
Tom: Though Geordi says we'll be getting life support sometime
next week.
> Picard stood at the window in the meeting room.
Mike: No! He's gonna jump!
Crow: Good.
> The heads of
>the department
Crow: Were impaled on spikes surrounding the entrance.
> sat around the table actionsly awaiting any word.
Mike: And now a word from our sponsor.
Tom: Sasquatch.
Mike: Hi, we're back.
>Picard sipped some tea, nibbled a nail
Mike: What?
Tom: Mmmm, bolts.
> and turned.
Crow: And coughed.
> "O.K What's our situation?", he fianaly asked.
> "Well, sir," Geordi started,
Mike: [Geordi] Ever hear of the Donners?
> "The ship has sustained dammage
>to the warp drive, sensor arrays, communitactions, and various
>other minor systems.
Tom: Like life support.
> We're looking at several weeks work to
>repair it, If it can be repaired."
Crow: And if it can't be repaired, it'll take even longer.
Mike: That's a mighty big "if" there.
> "Understood,"replied Picard."Mister Data, have you yet
>determined where it is we are?"
Mike: [Data] I do not think we are in Kansas any more, sir.
> "Not at this monent, sir. With all the sensors down I can
>only give a crude estimation.
Mike: He's going to belch the coordinates.
> My best asomption
Crow: That's his best assumption?
Tom: We're in deep, deep trouble.
> would be that we
>are 1.5 lightyears past the far point of the Klingon Empire."
Tom: Oh no! It's Encounter at Farpoint all over again!
> "Time to Federation space?"
Crow: ETA 369,197,847 years and six minutes.
> "Currently with only impuse power it would take a little
>over a year."
> "A year?" Riker interjected
All: Ewww!
> quite shocked.
> "Yes, sir. That is assuming we have no interuptions at full
>impulse power."
Mike: We're going to drive straight to grandma's without stopping
for gas, food, or to go the bathroom.
> "Well then," Picard noted,"A jorney of a thousand miles
>begins with the first step.
Tom: Ooooh, deep.
Mike: It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read a book of
quotes.
Crow: And just where did you get that one, Mike?
Mike: Um, from a book of quotes.
> We'll star back as soon as you are
>ready LaForge."
Crow: Ready LaForge? Is that anything like Heddy LaRue?
> "Yes, sir."
> The group got up to leave. After exchangige
Tom: Ouch. That is aggressively bad spelling.
> a few looks of
>disbelief they trickeled out the door.
Crow: [Hums Maxwell Coffee theme] Bada-bada-bump-bump, badada-
bump-bump.
> Several hours latter Geordi re-appered on the bridge.
Mike: Ah! Stop bi-locating like that!
> Picard
>and Riker were sitting, staring almost mindlessly at the view
>screen.
Tom: I can't. It's just too easy.
> Geordi walked up to them and after a few moments spoke
>up.
Crow: [Geordi] Hi. Watcha doin'? Can I play, too? Am I your friend
now?
> "Sir, I've looked at the dammage. And what I saw was not
>good."
Mike: So what does good damage look like?
> "Oh?,"asked Riker.
Crow: Why does Riker always respond with a question?
> "The dammage to the warp engines is unreapirable.
Mike: Yes, but is it repairable?
Tom: Un Reapirable. Isn't that the great novel by Victor Hugo?
> At least
>not out here. There is structual dammage inside the warp
>nacelles."
Tom: We got hit with a Selective Damage Ray, sir.
Crow: You mean the Plot Device?
> "Are you saying we have to go back all the way on impulse
>power?", Riker seemed rather shaken.
Tom: Not stirred.
Crow: See what I mean? Questions, questions, questions!
Mike: Flooding into the mind of the concerned youth of today.
Bots: What?
Mike: Never mind.
> "Yes, sir. I am sorry."
Crow: What is Geordi apologizing for? The wormhole?
Mike: Maybe Geordi's the cause of all those space-time
disturbances.
Tom: [Geordi] Sorry for all those black holes and singularities I
caused. I guess I was on a roll.
> "It's alright, Geordi," remarked Picard, "What of everything
>else?"
Mike: Life?
Tom: The universe?
Crow: Everything!
> "Well, shields will be back up
Tom: After these messages.
> in a little while. The sensers
>are being
Mike: Misspelled.
> recalibrated, they suffered no actual dammage, just
>over loaded.
Crow: So what he's saying is that while the sensors were damaged,
they weren't damaged.
Mike: That's the drift.
> The communications is another problem though."
> Picard and Riker didn't like the sound of that.
Tom: Possibly because the *communications* had been damaged.
> "It would seem that we can send but are unable to recieve."
Mike: Love.
> "Well," Picard said,"transmit our location to Starfleet
>Command. Maybe they can send a ship."
Crow: And maybe you'll die in the vast nothingness of space.
> "Yes sir."
>
>Captain's log. Stardate 9452.6.
Tom: [Picard] Dear Diary, you'll never guess who asked me to go to
the junior prom...
> We are now within 2 weeks of reaching Klingon Territory.
>Hopefully after a quick stop
Mike: They're going to let all 1400 crewmembers get out and
stretch for a couple of minutes.
> to repair the engines we can
>continue our return to Federation space.
Crow: Hmm. A Star Fleet ship is tossed across the galaxy by a
space anomaly, is severely damaged, and has to make the long
journey back to Federation space. Where have I seen this before?
> The closer we get the
>more actious the crew is becoming.
Tom: I'm waiting for this fanfic to become more actious.
Mike: I think he meant anxious.
> I too find myself antisipating
>a chance to get off
Crow: Hello.
Mike: No! No! Bad robot!
> the ship if only for a few hours. I also find
>it very strange that
Tom: e^(¼*i)=-1. Weird, huh?
> no ship was ever sent. It is posable however
>that the dammage to comunications was unrepareable.
Mike: Maybe Star Fleet got their message, but they couldn't read
it.
Tom: Peas send hell? Were tripped in ouder sapce?
>
> "Sir," Data exlaimed, "Sensors are picking up something."
Tom: Hey, I think we're getting free HBO!
> "Way out here?" Riker asked.
> "Mister Worf, what is it?"
Crow: Is it animal, vegetable, or asynchronous sub-spatial anti-
gravitonic?
> "Catptain, It appears to be a Klingon science station.
Crow: Right next to the Nazi chapter of the B'nai B'rith.
Mike: What does a Klingon scientist look like?
Tom: They're the invalids.
> I am
>reading no life signs. It has what appears to be,"Worf paused,
Mike: Dramatically.
>"battle dammage."
> "Battle dammage?
Tom: Yeah, those stickers that came with the X-wing.
> On a science station? Out here?" With each
>inquiery Picard became a little more disbelieving.
Mike: I know I have a hard time believing him.
> "Mister Data, do you have any
Tom: Grey Poupon?
> expemation
All: Ewww!
> for why we are
>encountering a science station weeks before reaching Klingon
>space."
Crow: Do you have any explanation where my question mark went.
> "No sir. It would appear that I had misjudged our position."
> "Well then, It's here, we're here
Tom: Wow, that Picard is amazingly perceptive.
> and are in need of parts.
Crow: We need things to make us go.
>Number One, I want you to lead
Mike: [Picard] I'll sing back up, and Worf can play the drums.
> an away team over there. Aquire as
>much as possable to help retore our ship.
Crow: But I thought they were trying to repair their ship. Why do
they want to tear it apart again?
> I don't think the
>Klingons would mind."
Mike: No, it's always been my experience that Klingons are very
understanding.
> "Yes, sir. Data, Worf."
> "Mister LaForge" Picard said.
> "Yes, sir?"
> "Commander Riker is beaming over to the science station.
Tom: [Geordi] I *know* that. I was right here. I'm blind, not
deaf.
Mike: You're pushing it, Tom.
> I
>want you to join him in trasporter room three."
> "On my way ,sir."
Crow: Mike, what's deja vu?
Mike: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before.
[Commercials]
[Continued in part 2]