MiSTed: SCA BOD Letter
Steve Brinich
author's access to the Net is limited (specifically, it's AOL, and has
chosen to permit general distribution:
Here is the BoD Mysting. Background for the non-SCA. The Board of Directors
recently voted to require mandatory membership and to stop publishing the BoD
minutes. There was a great uproar. The then Chairman (he has since resigned)
decided that he could sooth things down with a letter to the populace. For
your enjoyment......
Note: Stock-Clerk= The arm of SCA, Inc. that sells stuff.
BoD=Board of Directors
Unto all who read these words, greetings from Yaakov.
For your amusement and mystification...
(Note: There is a t.v. show on cable called Mystery Science Theater 3000, aka
MST3K. The heroes sit around watching bad movies and making comments. On
other nets, folks have taken to 'mystifying' posts. I have done this with
the BoD's letter.)
Scene: The Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson, Crow and Tom Servo are facing the
screen.
Mike Nelson: Welcome everyone to the Satellite of Love. As usual I'm Mike
Nelson.
Tom Servo: And I'm Tom Selleck.
Crow: No fair! He always gets to be Tom Selleck!
MN: Guys, stop it, we're getting message sign!
[Dr. Forrester and T.V's Frank appear. T.V.'s Frank is wearing a pair of
very tight fitting and uncomfortable shorts and a tiny T-shirt with a laurel
wreath that barely covers his midriff
Dr. Forrester: Hello Mike. Well, we have an exciting invention for you this
week. Don't we Frank.
Frank: [In falsetto] Dr. Forrester, I think its a little tight....
Dr. F: Nonsense Frank. We got it from the Stock Clerk, so its perfect. [to
Mike] Its the 'One Size Fits All' SCA suit. All Real Official SCAdians
(tm)(sm)(s&m) wear it and purchase it only from the stock clerk. Remember,
anyone who wears anything else is a freeloading leach.
T.V. F: Dr Forester, I can't breathe...[faints]
Dr. F.: Don't worry if it feels too constricting Frank, you'll get used to
it.
Well Mike? What do you have for us?
Mike: [picks up a small paring knife wrapped in ten layers of duct tape]
It's the officially approved knife for SCA feast cooking. First, you have to
have it inspected by the Kitchen marshall, who spray paints it orange. The
way it works is you hit the food hard enough so that if it had been a real
knife, it would have sliced it. As you know, most SCA injuries occur in the
kitchen, so this is necessary for us to get site insurance.
Dr. F: Very nice Mike. [Notices that Frank has apparently been choked and
castrated by his 'SCA Suit'] Frank get up, you're getting your new suit
dirty! [Back to Mike] Well, we have a special treat for you this week Mike.
Mike: You're letting me go?
Dr. F: No, but now you and the Robots will have to pay dues for staying in
the Satellite of Love.
[General commotion]
TS: Dues, I paid my dues, I been in prison..
Crow: [blues rif] Da da Dah da!
TS: [More blues like] And done hard time...
Crow: Da dah da dah!
Mike: Stop it guys! [Back to Dr. F] Dues? But why? What do I get from being
here? I don't even *want* to be here!
Dr. F: I know it comes as shock, but you can rest assured that Frank and I
have been discussing it for a long time and we think its best for you. Isn't
that right Frank. [Frank makes gurgling noise from floor and claws at his
T-shirt However, we figured you might have some hard feelings, so we
prepared a little something to make it better.
Crow: Free beer?
TS: Free nachos?
Dr. F: We asked the best publicist we know to explain it to you. Here it
comes.
Mike: BoD sign! We've got BoD sign! [usual pandemonium occurs. Mike, Crow,
and TS rush to their seats]
>> Dear Society for Creative Anachronism Supporter:
TS: And if you can't be an anachronism, be an anachronism supporter!
>>I write to you with mixed feelings of sadness and eagerness
Mike: Nausea and dizziness
Crow: Shortness of breath..
>> of nostalgia and hope.
Mike: Isn't that the corporate counsel? Sadness, eagerness, nostalgia and
hope?
TS: No, that's the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse.
>> these feelings are caused by
Crow: acid indigestion
>>action taken at the recent Board of Director's meeting held January 22
TS: On the planet Nebulon
>> in Milpitas
TS: Close enough
>> home of the SCA headquarters
Crow: and many fine shopping establishments!
>> and close to the SCA's birthplace of Berkeley California.
Mike: See what happens when you take drugs while you're pregnant.
>> At that meeting, the Board made many policy decisions that will be pivotal
>>to the Society's future.
TS: From now on, everyone will wear their undergarments on the outside!
>> Each decision, though, also represents a break
Mike: for commercial messages
>> with the SCA's past customs and ways of thinking
TS: Thinking? Since when did we start doing that?
>> about itself.
Crow: Must it always think about itself? That's so selfish.
>> One was to require all participants in SCA activities
TS: To wear their undergarments on the outside!
>> to be members
Mike: I am not now, nor have I ever been...
Crow: A member of the SCA party?
>> and to increase fees.
TS: Now, less for your money and you pay more!
Crow: Sounds like a winning marketing strategy to me.
>> Another was to provide all members
TS: With undergarments to wear on the outside!
Mike: Will you knock it off with the undergarments.
Crow: He's mad with power!
TS: [raving] I am the Great and Powerful BoD! Ignore that King behind the
curtain!
>> with a report
All [in Colonel Klink voice]: Reeeepoooorrrrrt!
>> from the Board on actions taken
Crow: Against enemy positions
>> at each Board meeting, ceasing to offer the official meeting minutes of
>> Board of Directors meetings on a paid subscription basis.
Mike: How about unpaid subscriptions?
>> Instead, all sustaining members will get the information through an
article
>> in *Tournaments Illuminated* or,
Crow: While supplies last...
>> when necessary, through a separate mailing. The minutes of Board
>>meetings are the official record of the SCA
All: Ba bum ba bum ba bum ba bum (Olympic hymn)
>> and will be much briefer in the future.
TS: I get it. Minutes Lite! Half the information and all the flavor!
Mike: Less filling!
TS & Crow: Tastes great!
>> However, each member is entitled to receive
Crow: At no additional charge.
>> information behind the Board's actions and deliberations
TS: Now how much would you pay?
>> and we are taking this step to increase our communications.
Mike: All frequencies open sir!
>>In a matter of weeks, the Board expects to have implementation plans
>>presented to it so that the policy decisions may be followed up with
action.
TS: Which speak louder than words
>>In passing the motions which make the changes, the Board
Crow: Also managed to pass an annoying kidney stone.
Mike & TS: Yea!
>>did so with the intent that they be implemented during this calendar year -
as >>soon as practicable.
Mike: Well, which is it?
>> Meanwhile, though, the directors knew that you,
TS: Me?
>> the loyal supporters and builders of the SCA
Crow: Obviously not.
TS: Liar! You take that back!
>>and its true reason for existence,
TS: See he is talking about me.
>>needed to know why these momentous decisions had been made.
>>Many people have cherished the statement
Mike: 'You may already have won 10 Million dollars'
>>"You don't have to be a 'member' to play."
TS: But it helps.
>> It has been one of the SCA's coziest ideas about itself,
Crow: and snuggliest.
Mike: Yeah, I often sat by the fire and snuggled up with "You don't have to
be a member to play."
>> that it was somehow a better,
TS: Stronger,
Mike: Faster [all break into 6 Million $ Man theme]
>> purer and more honorable organization because nobody had to join to
>>participate.
Mike: You just had to offer up a human sacrifice.
Crow: No, that's the Shriners.
>>And for a time our cherished openness may have been one of our best
>>recruiting tools.
Mike: Well, closedness has never been a particularly good recruiting tool.
TS: 'You want to join? Go away!' Nope, your right, it doesn't work.
>>An important thing to remember,
Crow: Is just how fast the Earth revolves around the sun. Forget that, and
you're history.
>>however, is that our SCA has grown at an amazing rate in the past 28 years
TS: At least 6 inches.
Mike: Please! This is a family post!
>>from a back yard organization to one that now has 23,000 members. Its
>>participants have grown to expect increasingly sophisticated levels of
>>service, without
Crow: getting it.
>>stopping to think about what that service might be -- or might cost.
All: Dah Da!
>>Why is it, for instance, that you as an SCA participant won't be called on
to >>bear the risk of your house, car and other personal assets being
absorbed
>>by a judgement against the local medieval group if something truly hideous
>>happens at an event?
Mike: Because I'm not a named party to a suit?
TS: Because the modern justice system works?
Crow: Because no one knows my mundane name?
>>One service of the SCA is to bear the liability and the risk - an immensely
>>complex service in the litigation-happy 1990's.
All: Ooooohhhhhh.......
Crow: But I thought the insurance didn't cover individuals.
Mike: Shhhh.....
>>Why is it that your SCA experience can be had nationwide and in many
>>foreign countries, in a format that is mostly understandable and familiar?
TS: Subtitles?
>>In part it is because dedicated SCA participants carried the culture
Mike: and many exciting STDs
>>to those areas and that hard-working volunteer hands painstakingly built
>>the SCA "settlements" far afield.
TS: And defended them from attacks by the natives. Then the drought hit...
Crow: Those were hard years, but those pioneers had spirit!
>>But it is also because those dedicated people adhered to a national
standard
Mike: Metric?
TS: Scsi ports?
>>of reporting, publishing, combat rules, banking, heraldry and other
>>expectations.
Crow: Standardized expectations?
Mike: I don't think he's heard of parallel structure.
Crow & TS: Oooooohhhhhh.
>>It is in part because the creative energy of sovereign kingdoms,
TS: Generated in these nuclear laboratories....
Crow: By evil Kingdom scientists
>> so important to growth and enjoyment within a region, has been tempered
TS: Like hardened steel! Ha ha!
>>with an over-arching support structure allowing for diversity while
>>keeping the potential for hurtful damage in check.
TS: But now, that potential has escaped! To wreak havoc on innocent
villagers! Ha Ha!
Mike: O.K., that's enough from you. I think we'd better take a little break
while you calm down.
TS: No! I am the great and powerful BoD! No one can tell me what to do! Ha
ha!
[exit through doors]
Cambot: Commercial sign....now.
I, Harold Feld, put this in the public domain. reproduce as you will.
Harold Feld
Yaakov HaMizrachi