MiSTing: Who Q? Where Q? [8/8]
Chris Mayfield
>
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>
>Fleet Commander's Log
>STARDATE 48135.46
>Captain Marrissa Picard recoarding
>
> We are entering day three of our evaucuation of Bres and Troac
>troops from Sobnia. Aprroxamently 60 % of the 3 million soldiers
Tom: Account for around half of the 3 million soldiers.
> have
>been transported from the planets surface. Under the terms of the
>tready all soldiers and property of teh respective goverments must be
>of Sobnia within the next 4 days.
Crow: Or they'll have to pay an extra half month's worth of rent.
> Personnel Note :
Mike: C sharp.
> Lieutenant Helms, Chief of security on the
>Hood has been relieved of duty, pending court-martial, for failure to
>obey the orders of a commanding officer.
Crow: And calling me a "chick."
> The courtmarial will be held
>tomarrow afternoon, Luietenant Worf, Lt. Commander La Forge and
>Luietenant Ogawa will serve on the board.
> I am beaming over to the Independence to assist my former first
>officer and his family in moving in.
Tom: [Marrissa] I just hope they don't expect me to do any heavy
lifting.
>
> Marrissa was helping Jay organize is new room on the
>Independence,
Crow: [Marrissa] Have you no taste? Put the lamp on the end table by the
sofa and the potted plant over there.
> when her communicator. chirped, "Lieutenant Sutter to
>Captain Marrissa Picard."
> "Marrissa here, go ahead Clara."
> "The Bres Overjaras position you had trouble with is refusing
>to leave," Clara replied. "The Independence is the ship in orbit for
>the next 15 minutes until the Enterprise arrives."
> "I'll lead an away team down," Marrissa said. "Marrissa out.
>Computer location of Chief of Security?"
> "Luietenant Stover is in the Armoury, deck 5 section 12."
> "Captain Marrissa Picard to Bridge, delay departure untill I
>transport down." Marrissa ordered. "Jay meet me in transporter room
>3."
> Marrissa exited the room followed by the 10 year-old acting
>Luientenant Commander. She turned left, he right.
Crow: Marrissa joined a radical feminist underground while Jay hooked up
with the Christian Coalition.
>
> The door to the armoury was locked but that was not a problem
>for the 12 and half year old Captain. "Computer reconize Picard,
Mike: [computer] Hey, I know you!
>Captain Marrissa Amber, Mission Commander; code Tchychosky one eight
>one two,"
Crow: How pathetique.
> Marrissa said, " and open armoury doors."
> "Indentity of Captain Marrissa Picard confirmed," the Computer
>intoned. Marrissa entered. The Chief of Security was checking the
>phasers
Tom: Hmm. Yep, it's a phaser. Next. Hmm. Yep, it's a phaser. Next...
> with the assistance of two ensigns.
> "Luietenant Stover," Marrissa said. She got nothing more out
>ans Stover quickly pinned her to the wall knocking her breath out.
Mike: [Stover] Now for the frisking!
> "You are under arrest for entering a restricked area without
>authorization," Stover said.
> "Lieutenant," Marrissa wheezed,
Tom: [Marrissa] I need my...pant...inhaler...now!
> getting her breath back, "If
>you don't want to be court-martialed for assulting your commanding
>officer you better ease off." Stover roughly turned Marrissa aroung
>pinning her face up against the wall.
Mike: [Stover] So, young lady...ever read Justine?
> "Oh well, don't say I didn't
>warn you at your court-martial. Computer note in log, as Fleet
>Commander, Captian Marrissa Amber Picard has relieved Lieutenant Stover
>of the Independence of duty pending court-martial.
Crow: [computer] Okie-doke.
> Notify the
>assistant Security chief of his possition as acting security chief and
>have him report with three other security officers to transporter room
>three."
Tom: So, if she could have contacted him by communicator, why'd she have
to go down to the armory for this fellow?
> "Notation is made as follows," the Computer responded.
>"Lieutenant Stover is relieved of duty pending courtmarial. Lieutenant
>junior grade Stockton has been informed of his new possition and
>orders."
> "Ensigns take the Lieutenant to his quarters and confine him
>there," Marrissa ordered, still pinned to the wall.
Crow: Strangely enough, Marrissa found that she _liked_ having men rough
her up.
Mike: Watch it, Crow.
> At first Stover yielded to the Ensigns allowing them to pull
>him off Marrissa.
Tom: Oh wow.
Mike: That goes for you too.
> However has they neared the door he knocked the
>ensigns into Marrissa behind them, creating a pile of tangled bodies on
>the floor.
Crow: Like a Twister game of the damned.
> While they were impeded he shot off down the cooridor.
Mike: My name's Wally West. I'm the fastest man alive.
> When Marrrissa had freed herself Lieutenant Stover was no where
>to be seen. "Captain Marrissa Picard to Captain Morris," She said.
Crow: [singing] She said, "I know what it's like to be dead..."
> "Morris here."
> "Lieutenant Stover has assulted me and has been relieved of
>duty," Marrissa said.
Mike: [Marrissa] He beat me up and snicker snagged on me.
> "He has escaped arrest. Please handle his
>confinement to the brig."
> "Aye, sir. Morris out."
>
Tom: Well, that was an utterly pointless interlude.
> Marrissa Picard entered the transporter room to find Jay
Mike: Sprawled on the floor, victim of a twisted sacrificial rite.
>recording a reprimand on the transporter cheif's record. "objected to
>the orders of a ranking officer."
> "Doesn't anyone look at the rank pins on the uniform?" Marrissa
>asked.
Crow: Most people have the sense to realize that twelve year olds
shouldn't be commanding a starship.
> "I assume your trip was eventful," Jay said. "The transporter
>chief refused to set my coordinates. In fact he said, 'Why don't you
>do it yourself.'"
Mike: [Jay] So I shot the punk.
> "We will have to talk to Captain Morris concerning this
>officer's fitness to be on a Galaxy Class starship," Marrissa said.
Tom: I'd be more interested in questioning the author's fitness.
>"In any case he will be reporting to Lieutenant Commander Morgan Gordon
>for disciplinary action."
Mike: [Gordon] Now where'd I put my cane?
> "I hope Dad doesn't think Jefferies tub 53 needs cleaning," Jay
>replied.
Crow: Not Jefferies tube 53! You monster!
Mike: What's Jefferies tube 53?
Crow: I don't know.
> "You gave yor disciplinary list to your father!" Marrissa
>exclaimed. "You will have the whole ship hating your father."
Tom: [Jay] Yes. I'm using him as a puppet to hide my control of the
ship.
Mike: Marrissa has quite an underground developed.
> "Yes but the Independence will have the cleanest jefferies
>tubes in the fleet," Jay replied. Four security officers entered the
>room. "It looks like the rest of our team has arrived."
> "Gentlemen, I am Captain Marrissa Picard, Mission Commmander,"
>the blond haired girl with the captain's pips said.
Mike: After six fanfics, Ratliff tries "show don't tell."
> "In order to avoid
>confusion please refer to me as Marrissa.
Tom: Or Cap'n Hotlips.
> We will be beaming down in
>order to convice a Bres officer to allow himself and his command to
>leave Sobnia. Colonel Elbourt and I have had a previous encounter,
Crow: But that was a long time ago, and I'm not the naive young girl I
once was.
> but
>has yet to figure out my rank. The Enterprise will be providing back
>up. Set phasers on stun and be perpared to use them."
All: [singing] We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to
kill...
>
> The away team beamed down a short way from the camp. Marrissa
>took a deep breath of the cool mountain air.
Mike: [inhales] Aaaah! Smells like Pittsburgh!
> She took in the view of
>the red roofed town of Overjaras and the snowcapped mountains beyond
>it. Then she lead the team into the camp.
> Colonel Elbourt emerged from a tent as the away team arrived.
>"What are you doing here," he asked.
Tom: Why didn't you tell me you were coming! This place is a mess!
> "You aren't making me happy again," Marrissa stated.
>"According to my schedule you should have left an hour ago on th Hood."
> "Why should I make you happy?" Elbourt said.
Mike: Everybody's got the right to be happy.
> "You are just a
>little girl. Why does Starfleet persist in sending junior officers
>down to me?"
> "Would you rather Admiral Okie deal with you?" Marrissa asked.
>"He is my direct superior,
Crow: What's that make Marrissa?
Tom: Erie.
> but I don't think he can get here so quickly
>so you just have to put up with me, a measly Captain."
> Elbourt was suprised. "So that was the reason for number one,"
>he said.
Tom: What? I--it--number one what? I'm so confused...
Mike: Join the author.
> "Now will you leave Sobnia now?" Marrissa asked.
> "NO."
> "Marrisssa," Jay said from where he had wander over by the
>cliff's edge.
> "What is it Jay?" Marrissa asked.
Crow: [Jay] I'm going to jump. This fanfic's been too much for me.
> "I believe the Colonel will be in trouble wif he doesn't leave
>by the evaucaution's end," Jay said.
> "Why is that?" Marrissa returned.
Tom: Like a bad penny, Marrissa keeps showing up.
> "There are about ten thousand Sobnian troops down there," Jay
>replied.
Crow: Definitely. Definitely ten thousand soldiers. I'm a very good
driver.
> "Oh, yes, anyone left behind may be dealt with as the Sobnian
>Government pleases," Marrissa quoted the tready.
Mike: No fair! You're making it up again!
Tom: Am not!
Mike: Are too!
> "And they won't even have weapons to use," Jay said. "All Bres
>Government material wukk
All: WUKK?!
> be removed."
> "That includes there clothing doesn't it," Marrissa said.
>Marrissa to Enterprise. "
Mike: Uh...
Tom: I'm not sure I want to see this.
Crow: I do.
> "Enterprise here," Captain Picard said.
> "Dad have the transproter room start removing all Bres
>Government materail from this camp," Marrissa said. "Start with the
>weapons and work your way down to the Colonel's underwear."
Crow: Man, that Marrissa has a mean streak a galaxy wide.
Mike: Absolute power...
> "We can't transport them against thier will," Captain Jean-Luc
>Picard reminded Marrissa.
Mike: The transporters work off of free volition, I see.
> "We aren't, we are following th Bres Government's request to
>retrieve their propertity from Sobnia," Marrissa said. "You have your
>orders."
Tom: [Marrissa] Disagree with me again, pops, and you'll be running
garbage scows along the Neutral Zone for the next millennium.
> As Marrissa closed the channel the Bres weapons began
>disapearing. "You will not stop us," Elbourt said. Then the tent
>disappeared. "We will fight with our fists if necessary," he continued
>a little less sure.
Mike: It is better to die on one's feet than live on one's knees!
> "Will you fight nude in 2 degree C weather?" Jay asked as
>Elbourt's coat disappeared.
> As his pants disappeared Elbourt finally caved in,
All: Ewww!
> "All right,
>I give up, take me away from this planet."
Crow: Calgon, take me away!
> "Marrissa to Enterprise. Elbourt finally gave in. Beam him up
>and have his clothes ready," the young Captain ordered.
>
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Mike: It's almost over, fellas.
>
> Captain Picard was in his ready room when Commander Riker
>entered. "You called, Captain," Riker said.
> "Yes Will, sit down," Captain Picard said. "I jsut recieved an
>order from Admiral Okie.
Crow: [Picard] He wants Marrissa "taken care of."
> He has given me a week to promote Marrissa."
> "And?" Riker prompted after a moment.
> "I am thinking of loging
Tom: An icepick in her skull.
> an objection," Captain Picard stated.
> "Why?"
> "It's too soon," Captain Picard said. "She is too young. She
>lacks expeince."
Mike: This _after_ they promote her to Queen of the Universe.
> "All those are subjective, Captain. She has served the minumum
>time as Ensign."
Crow: She's up for parole.
> "By God Will, if this goes on she will meet the goal on that
>rediculous T-shirt she wears off-duty."
Mike: I'm with Baldy?
> "'Captain by 25.' It's good to have goals.
Tom: An injured animal of that size is not good.
> I think she will
>make a great one."
> "Someday, I agree. but not if whe promote her too fast."
Mike: Quit protecting Marrissa. You need to let her go. If she comes
back, she's yours. If she dies in a freak plasma vent accident, so much
the better.
> "Then may I suggest an evaluation by Data, and a 24-hour wait
>before any further action."
> "That sounds like a good idea, but Marrissa better not find out
>about any of this."
Crow: [Picard] Or she'll have me eliminated.
>
> Later that day, Data entered the Ready Room with his evauation.
> "Data your results please," Picard said.
Tom: [Data] She did ok in the bathing suit competition, but didn't fare
so well in the talent portion.
> "Ensign Marrissa Amber Picard," Data began, "Has never been
>late to duty. She holds more commendations than any other ensign on
>board.
Crow: She has a secret police force that is feared on both sides of the
former iron curtain.
> Her peers are of the opinon that she should have more.
>Counselor Troi is of the opinon that Marrissa doesn't share this view.
>She holds the record time in both the Kobayshi Maru and Sulu's Space
>Cadet
Mike: Sulu's Space Cadet, now for Macintosh!
> for helm training. Is their any thing else you wish to know?"
> "No, Data," Captain Picard said. "You are dismissed.
>
> As soon as Data left a limping Klingon entered. "Captain,"
>Worf said collapsing into the chair in front of the Captain.
Tom: [Worf] I broke both my legs. I figured the doctor would be here.
> Ingrossed in his work Captain Picard did not look up as he
>said," Yes Worf."
> "I request that a certain young Ensign be assigned to
>security," Worf said. "She just beat me in a bat'leth match."
Crow: Gosh. I wonder if it is Marrissa?
> "Doctor Crusher to Captain Picard."
Mike: [Picard] I told you never to call me at work!!
> "Go ahead, Doctor."
> "Is Worf up there?"
> "Yes, he is," Picard replied.
> "Don't let him leave," Crusher responed. "I'm on my way up."
> Captain Picard finallu took a good look at grimacing Klingon.
>"Worf what happened to you?" he asked slowly.
Tom: [Worf] I didn't have the money I owed Riker from poker, and he sent
some goons to collect in blood.
> "A young ensign challenged me to a bat'leth match after beating
>several other officers,"
Mike: With a sledge hammer.
> Worf said. "She made me over extend myself
>and I twisted my ankle. Continueing, She made me do it agian with my
>other ankle, forcing me to the ground."
Crow: [Worf] I'm real stupid that way.
> The door chimed. "Come," Picard said.
> Doctor Crusher entered. "So this is Marrissa's fourth victim,"
>she said scaning him with a tricorder.
Tom: [Crusher] I found two others in the cargo bay with butterflies in
their mouths.
> "Broken right ankle, twisted
>left. both aggravated by use -- just like the others.
Crow: It's official. She's a serial killer.
> Next time come
>directly to Sickbay instead of going by way of your office, your
>quarters and the Captain's ready room."
> "Worf why didn't you tell me it was Marrissa?" the Captain
>asked.
Tom: [Worf] It was supposed to be a secret.
> "Commander Riker has issued orders to all ranking below him not
>to say her name to you in less prompted," Worf replied.
Crow: I--but--it's just that--why? Why, why, why? It doesn't make any
sense... [begins to weep openly]
Mike: Hang in there, Crow. Just a few more pages.
> "The Doctor
>has senority."
Mike: Over Riker? Since when?
>
> Later that night Captain Picard arrived at the Poker Game in
>Riker's Quarters. Counselor Troi, Geordi LaForge and of coarse
>Commander Riker were already there.
> "So Commander, who is the young lady you are hiding in your
>bedroom," LaForge asked.
All: AAAAAAHHH!
Tom: Ratliff's fantasies bubble up out of his unconscious in the most
disturbing way possible.
> "Shame on you for insunuating such a thing," Commander Riker
>said. "You know It's just the Junior Officeer's champ. She asked to
>use my termail while awaiting your arrival. Come in Ensign."
> Marrissa Picard entered the room in her red duty uniform. This
>was unsual for her as she usaully wore a T-shirt and skirt when off-
>duty.
Mike: A short skirt which showed off her well-formed calves; her skin
tanned to a deep bronze, almost the color of her long, flowing hair.
Tom: This fanfic has finally snapped your mind, hasn't it, Nelson?
> "Hello Couselor, Commanders, Dad," She said.
> "Marrissa what are you doing here," Captain Picard, her adopted
>father
Mike: Thanks for reminding us, Stephen. I almost forgot.
> asked, turning toward her.
> "You suggested that I should learn poker," Marrissa said.
>"It's been quite profitable."
Crow: [Marrissa] Today I learned everything there is to know about poker
and the day before, Klingon martial arts. Tomorrow I'm going to learn
brain surgery.
> "How profitable?" Geordi asked, trying to size up Marrissa.
All: Boo!!
Tom: So, somewhere between Cadet Cruise and this fanfic did Ratliff
finally hit puberty?
> "You will have to find out that for youself," Marrissa replied.
> "If you are ready the game is ..." Riker began.
Mike: Third prime card poker. One eyed jacks and perfect squares wild.
Tom: Where'd you learn to play?
Mike: At Math Club.
> At the end of the evening Marrissa had split the take between
>herself and her father.
>
> The next morning Commander Riker found Captain Picard in the
>Observation Lounge.
Tom: He was drinking in the sights.
> "Have you made a decision on Marrissa's
>promotion?" Riker asked.
> Motioning toward a pip in front of a chair with a smaller that
>usaul Class C uniform drapped over it, he said, "I have Number One."
Mike: By John Dos Passos.
Crow: You know, it took me forever to find all of the USA trilogy.
> "You are promoting her and transfering her to security," Riker
>guessed.
> "No the uniform is for Clara Sutter," Captain Picard said.
Tom: Then why did you motion towards it?
> "LaForge wanted her to assist him in engineering on a regular
>basis after seeing her work. In order to do so she needs access we
>can't give her without a rank. Besides Commander, the uniform is much
>to small for Marrissa."
Mike: Says Ratliff, who has her dimensions memorized.
Crow: This fanfic makes me feel dirty all over.
> "Then lets call them in," Riker said.
> "Marrissa is bringing Clara here any minute now on the pretense
>of a birthday present,"
Crow: When she comes through the door, we jump her and take her lunch
money.
> Captain Picard said. "I'm sure Clara doesn't
>expect a position in Starfleet for her eleventh birthday."
Tom: Oh, so ranks aren't given out due to skill, but as presents. That's
one step above nepotism.
> The door
>chimed. "Come."
> Marrissa entered in uniform followed by Clara Sutter in a pale
>peach dress. "Reporting as ordered, Captain, Commander."
> "Ensign Marrissa Amber Picard, Clarrissa Sutter, your deads on
>this ship have been brought to my attention
Mike: [Picard] I'm arresting you for the murders of 27 crew members.
> by varoius Starfleet
>Officers and members of the crew," Captain Jean-Luc Picard began.
>"Therefore the following rewards are dispensed on you."
> "Clarrissa Sutter, you are hereby given the rank of acting-
>ensign and assigned as a consultant
Tom: A color consultant?
> to Commander LaForge," Picard
>continuted. "As Starfleet has ordered that all personnell,
Crow: The extra l is for extra Lame.
> acting or
>otherwise have a uniform here is yours, Commander."
Mike: [Riker] Uh, sir, I already have one.
> Commander Riker handed the blushing dark haired girl her
>uniform. "Thank you, Captain," she said.
> "Report to LaForge at 1000 hours," Picard replied. "Ensign
>Marrissa Amber Picard, you are hereby promoted to Lieutenant junior
>grade." The Captain picked up the pip and pinned it to his daughter's
>collar.
Tom: [Marrissa] Aaaaaaaooooouuuch! My neck!
Mike: [Picard] Sorry. I didn't--oh man, there's blood. Geez--it's all
over! What'd I do? Hit an artery?
> "Congraduations."
> Marrissa then proceeded to hug her expressionless adopted
>father.
Tom: [Picard] Must not emote. Must not emote.
> "Thank you Dad," she said.
>
> And so the Enterprise warped off to its next distination with
>young Lieutenant junoir grade Marrissa Picard at the helm. As for what
>the future holds for her only the stars knew.
Crow: Call the Psychic Friends Network at 1-900-CRAKPOT.
>
> T H E E N D
Tom: Thank God.
Crow: Hey! I thought she was supposed to die or something!
Mike: [exiting] Maybe next time.
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
Mike: Well boys, we made it through another Ratliff fanfic in one piece.
What do you boys think?
Tom: You remember my Ratliff Admiration Society?
Mike: Yes.
Tom: You remember Crow's and my Marrissa cult?
Mike: Yes.
Tom: We were wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Four as an approximation
of pi wrong. The earth is flat wrong. The rationale behind a second Ace
Ventura movie wrong.
Crow: Whoa there, Tommy. Not _that_ wrong.
Tom: Well, almost.
Mike: What do you think, sir?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: [smug] What did you think of _that,_ mother?
Mrs. F: That was truly evil, Clayton. Maybe you're not the pathetic
failure I thought you were.
Dr. F: Why, thank you...mother...uh...I think.
[Looks confused for a moment, then pushes the button]
\ | /
\|/
---0---
/|\
/ | \
fwshhhh
Dr. F: Hey!
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and
merchandise are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. Ode to Ratliff, whose
first verse was quoted above (a little bit), was penned (typed?) by
ikaros. This MSTing is not authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone.
It is not intended as an attack on anyone's beliefs. This article may be
freely distributed as long as this notice remains intact.
MiSTed by Chris Mayfield, camf...@iastate.edu. Comments welcome.
>I personally will be medaite the dispute between the parties of Bresa,
>Troac, and Sobnia."
> "They must be really despurt," Dr. Johnson said.
Mark Mark
That was dreadful. Not just rock-bottom quality like his early stuff, but
soul-searingly bad. The pointless deaths, the inane self-reference,
the weird innuendoes, and the awful spreading cancer of Marrissa's
cabal of underage Starfleet officers, extending their unholy influence
throughout Starfleet... I feel _dirty_ after reading it.
My sincere condolences, Chris.
I shudder in fear as I contemplate the prospect of Ratliff's next,
"Timespeeder"...
--
I've gone to build the Supercollider.
<*> mbs...@psuvm.psu.edu: Mark Sachs, Itinerant Graphicist and Webmaster <*>
The Pennsylvania State Data Center Home Page! http://www.hbg.psu.edu/psdc/
Mike Barklage
>That was dreadful. Not just rock-bottom quality like his early stuff, but
>soul-searingly bad. The pointless deaths, the inane self-reference,
>the weird innuendoes, and the awful spreading cancer of Marrissa's
>cabal of underage Starfleet officers, extending their unholy influence
>throughout Starfleet... I feel _dirty_ after reading it.
Yep, it was awful... but also extremely funny!
Mike Barklage... Good job, Chris!
bark...@ucsu.Colorado.edu ------ Chir...@aol.com ------ MSTie #19634
For Ed Wood and MiSTing stuff, http://rtt.colorado.edu/~barklage/EdWood.html
"Wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which piles up first." -701
ADAM CADRE
get dibs on the one where Marrissa loses her virginity.
Adam.
PS: Has Ratliff ever explained Marrissa's obsession with strawberries?
Katherine Harris
: One would think that Ratliff couldn't get any worse. But... Oh my God.
: That was dreadful. Not just rock-bottom quality like his early stuff, but
: soul-searingly bad. The pointless deaths, the inane self-reference,
: the weird innuendoes, and the awful spreading cancer of Marrissa's
: cabal of underage Starfleet officers, extending their unholy influence
: throughout Starfleet... I feel _dirty_ after reading it.
Okay, I have to subject myself to this... Where can I get a copy of this
nightmare? (Yes, I am new and clueless!)
Katie Harris
"Now this movie is Cluless!"
"Yeah, cause... he... died..."
-Tom/Crow, Master Ninja I