MST3Kd: Happy New Year 1994
Lisa D. Jenkins
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright
1994 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
rights or beliefs held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, or their employees.
This post is subject to being unfunny. Happy New Year 1994 is free to
distribute as long as this notice and the post's contents remain intact.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 1994
MiSTied by Lisa Jenkins
[Satellite of Love]
[Everyone is dressed in party attire including tuxes for the guys and a
glittering party dress for Gypsy. They are wearing new year's hats with
banners surrounding the control room with "Happy New Year" on them.]
MIKE: Hey! You're just in time! We're about to count down to the New Year's
ball drop LIVE from New York's Time Square!
MAGIC VOICE: Five seconds to new year!
ALL: Five...four...three...two...one! Happy New Year!
[Stringers and confetti fall. Everyone blows ticklers, shakes noise rattlers,
or just plain hoots and hollers. The red light flashes from the Mads.]
MIKE: Look, guys. The mad scientists are going to wish us a happy new year,
too.
GYPSY: Uh oh.
CROW: I got a bad feeling about this.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Well, it's a new year. Congratulations. Frank, why don't you bring in
the new year for us?
FRANK: [Off-screen.] Do I have to wear this?
DR. F: Yes, of course you-- [Reaches off screen to grab Frank's ear.] Come
here, Frank!
[Frank comes on screen pulled by his ear by Dr. Forrester, dressed in baby
diapers.]
[Satellite of Love]
[Everyone's laughing. Mike points as though he wants to say something, but
he's laughing so hard he can't say it.]
[Deep 13]
FRANK: Hey! Give a guy a little respect! [Frank straightens his diaper.]
DR. F: [Pats Frank on the shoulder.] That's right, Frank. Hold on to that
last shred of human dignity you've got left. [Looks at camera and shakes his
head.]
FRANK: Well, I'm here to tell you that what better time to start out a new
post experiment than right after the new year?
DR. F: That's right, Frank. We thought why wait? So let's get right into it,
shall we? Why don't you go with your invention first?
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Well, sir, that's mighty generous of you. To start off the new year
right, we've come up with an invention exchange that will put the guess work
out of trying to find that right new year's resolution for you.
TOM: That's right. It's called the Resolu-solver. Believe it or not, your
past year's unfinished projects and unfulfilled dreams are recorded in every
nerve ending of your body. Just pass your palm print over the sensor, and the
Resolu-solver reads your nerve endings to pick just the right resolution for
you!
MIKE: [Passes hand over Resolu-solver.] Wow, look! I resolve to get off this
stinking satellite! What a surprise, hu?
CROW: Yeah! And you don't even have to worry if you'll succeed in your
resolution or not because you're guaranteed to forget about making the
resolution in a week!
MIKE: Oh, I'm not likely to forget THIS one.
[Deep 13]
FRANK: Come on. Nobody keeps their new year's resolution.
DR. F: And nobody goes home from a new year's party without a hangover in the
morning. So our invention is made especially for all those "designated
drivers" out there who want to experience the true new year's experience even
without the alcohol.
FRANK: Just imagine to your surprise, waking up to simple sounds like the
neighbor's door slamming ten times more louder than usual.
DR. F: Or an excruciating headache.
FRANK: This, too, can be all yours with the amazing--
DR. F: --Instant Hangover. Take one swallow before going to bed after the
party, and you are guaranteed any one of these pleasing signs of partying FAR
too hard the night before. You might even find yourself with--
FRANK: --Our personal favorite--
DR. F: --kneeling before the porcelain god himself!
FRANK: Um, hm. The sweet smell of bile!
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: That's disgusting.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: That's life, Mike. And this is a posting we found only hours ago on
alt.alien.visitors by Steven Johnson. Agreed, not quite as horrifying as a
real alien encounter, but his fantasy will leave you just as nauseated as a
hangover. Happy New Year, boobie!
[Satellite of Love]
ALL: We got posting sign!
[Door sequence.]
[Satellite of Love Theater]
> Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
CROW: Uh oh. Bad sign.
> Subject: A Holiday Transmission Tale from ORION
> Message-ID: <SVJ.93De...@arx.adp.wisc.edu>
> From: s...@arx.adp.wisc.edu (Steven Johnson)
> Date: 31 Dec 1993 19:44:13 GMT
> Distribution: world
MIKE: You'd imagine with an intelligent alien being visitor, he could possibly
distribute all over the Universe.
TOM: Even USENET only reaches so far, Mike.
> Organization: Division of Information Technology
> Lines: 326
>
> INTRODUCTION:
>
> In my personal fantasies I've wondered what it might be like
CROW: To be covered in peanut butter and dipped in chocolate.
> to communicate with advanced beings sufficiently
MIKE: As opposed to inefficiently, of course.
> removed from
> our frame of reference that it might be difficult to perceive
> their presence.
MIKE: So you're saying they're really good at hide and seek?
TOM: Something like that, yeah.
> Several years ago, in my fantasies,
MIKE: [singing] In my wildest dreams.
> I came up
> with a character named Orion.
CROW: She was green and sleek, just like the Orion babe on Star Trek's "The
Cage"!
> I should mention here that my
> character, Orion, bares no relation to
TOM: Me, employees of Orion Pictures, or to the executives of Comedy Central.
> the evil ORION empire
> as has been allegedly construed by certain contemporary
> stories related to the mysterious Grays.
MIKE: Who may allegedly be related to somebody, although no one wants to take
credit for it.
> And now, without
> further adieu, and in the name of the New Year holiday spirit
> and good cheer,
MIKE: Yes, he had LOTS of good cheer before posting this, if you know what I
mean.
> I give you ORION's story:
TOM: Not to be confused with his character of Orion or his personal fantasy.
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
CROW: Help me, Mike! I see stars!
MIKE: Those are asterisks, Crow.
> A SPECIAL HOLIDAY TRANSMISSION FROM ORION
TOM: Mike, change the channel. I hear there's a New Year's Bash on FOX.
MIKE: What? You'd rather watch funny man Carrot Top?
CROW: No, I wanna see Penn and Teller drive forklifts and shuffle big cards!
> A Personal Fantasy
MIKE: So personal, in fact, I just HAD to share it with you!
> (c) 1993, Steven Vincent Johnson
TOM: New copyright law -- all copyrights expire in a year.
CROW: Happy 1994, everybody!
> GREETINGS to all of you literary oriented life vortices
> living within the vast web work of the INTERNET.
TOM: And to you net geeks, a hearty hello to you, too.
> We have been
> reminded of the cyclical seasons of your present existence.
CROW: Because we forgot about that tubular existence we had back in the '70s.
MIKE: Thank God.
> We are aware that those in the northern hemisphere are
> entering into a colder phase of the orbital period of your
> planet.
CROW: Yeah, it's called an Alberta Clipper, Steve.
TOM: It's only five degrees Fahrenheit, but with that wind chill, it feels
like minus 47 degrees!
> In what you would perceive as in the past we also
TOM: --perceive as the past. Amazing, isn't it?
> experienced a variety of three dimensional life forms and
> environments, just as you are doing so now.
MIKE: At least I presume you are doing so. Of course, I could be wrong.
CROW: You could be watching Baywatch. That's pretty two-dimensional.
> For instance, we
> lived on fractured planetoids that circled malevolent gas
> giants. On those planetoids we experimented with hearty
> chitin based life-forms that thrived deep within the protected
> fissures of asteroids.
MIKE: We fished them out, stuck them into tiny pods, and made them orbit in a
satellite watching cheesy movies.
> On other planets we thrived in vast
> oceans hundreds of kilometers deep.
TOM: And were mistaken as fish.
CROW: But we were really mammals.
> Also, like yourselves, we
> have experimented with a variety of gas breathing life forms
TOM: Like Godzilla, but all we came up with was Gamera.
> thriving on the fragile planetary surfaces on a variety of
> solar systems.
>
> Many of my integrated memory cells
CROW: Which I like to call my "gray matter."
TOM: Uh, Crow, Orion is in no relation to the Grays.
CROW: Oh. Sorry.
> can choose to access the
> experience of planetary seasons, like winter, through
> manipulated electromagnetic interference patterns.
MIKE: Although it's easier just to remember it.
> It is the
> equivalent of what you might call a past-memory
> reconstruction.
MIKE: Sometimes known as a flash-back in films.
> On one particular planet where we
> experimented with gas breathing based life forms several of
> our three dimensional experiences recall sliding down between
> the fissures of a glacier using cured animal skins stretched
> over the rib cage of a large aquatic animal.
MIKE: Wow! How 'bout that? I remember tobogganing, too!
> The trick was to
> get to the bottom of the glacier in one piece.
MIKE: Actually, I just had a hard time staying on the inner tube....
> If successful
> we could claim the trophy which meant obtaining exclusive
> reproductive rights to the egg chamber sack belonging to an
> unclaimed glanokk.
ALL: Eeeew!
MIKE: Just imagine -- your chances to reproduce all rides on your ability to
stay on a sled!
TOM: Yeah, think about it, Mike.
MIKE: Ooo. Ouch.
> Glanokks were symbiotic creatures
> essential to our reproductive cycle.
TOM: That's because they were...SYMBIOTIC!
MIKE: Meaning they couldn't live without you, and you without them.
CROW: Glanokk -- can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
> They looked somewhat
> like large foul smelling slugs -
MIKE: Quite appealing, really. Just the type of creature you'd want to ask --
"Would you reproduce with me?"
> that is, when their sex
> pheromones weren't active.
TOM: But, oh boy! When those pheromones kicked in -- hubba hubba!
> After a glanokk was impregnated it
CROW: Swore off all men and vowed never to date again.
MIKE: Hey, now.
> would become the internal food host for our fertilized eggs.
ALL: Yuck!
MIKE: You mean, just like the creatures did in Alien?
> Our juvenile offspring would gestate within the creature as
> tiny grubs.
MIKE: Which really made you wonder what the father looked like!
> At other times we would hold a big celebration,
TOM: Have a cigar! It's a slug!
> invite our friends over and eat a gravid glanokk,
TOM: Honey, there's something in the glanokk.
CROW: [Peering into the glanokk dish.] Yep, there's something in the glanokk.
> especially
> on the winter solstice. We realize that this might sound
> disgusting to you
ALL: It is!
> but long ago
TOM: --And far away--
> we came to the realization that
MIKE: We were really pretty disgusting after all.
> beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Actually, on that
> planet we had the equivalent of what you would call three
> triangularly positioned eyes in front (one which was compound
> and sensitive to infrared) and two vertical ones in back, so
> we would say we had a few more perspectives on this matter
> than you might think.
CROW: Oh ho ho! I get it! Five eyes! Perspective!
TOM: It was so funny, I forgot to laugh.
> It might help you to understand that it
> was biologically imperative that we eat a gravid glanokk every
> year or risk sterility followed by agonizing death due to
> hormonal deficiencies.
MIKE: So you'd better believe I got a taste for it REAL quick!
TOM: No gravid glanokk for me, thank you. I'm not going to have children.
And who wants to live without children?
> In any case, glanokk-communion was
> always a beautiful and moving ceremony... but we digress here.
CROW: Doesn't he mean DIGEST?
> Some of you INTERNET participants are probably wondering
> who WE are,
MIKE: Well, WE were wondering when you might get to that!
> or more precisely, what the hell we are.
TOM: Yeah -- what the hell ARE you?!
> When we
> were at your level of development we were often guilty of
> expressing profanity.
CROW: Dammit!
> We see no reason to stop using this
> time honored tradition if the mood strikes us.
TOM: The hell you say!
> A pinch of
> foul language sprinkled within our transmissions
MIKE: Makes any meal a light, tasty dish.
> helps keep
> you from perceiving us as deities, a perception that some of
> you creatures have acquired especially in the past. We do not
> wish to promote such an opinion of ourselves.
TOM: Unless, of course, you wish to worship us. Then it's okay.
> Creatures, like yourselves, appear to us as non-integrated
> energy patterns or energy cells. You, in turn, would perceive
> us as
MIKE: Little tiny specks of dust on the dark Sargasso Sea of your soul.
> a stormy collection of integrated energy cells. In a
> sense, it would be like looking into the eye of a vast cosmic
> hurricane.
CROW: Or would that be five totally separate eyes? Three in front and two in
back?
> Our energy cells make up the "bodies" of vast
> multidimensional creatures that would be difficult for your
> senses to comprehend.
MIKE: Yeah, we don't look like much, but we smell pretty bad.
> We are collectively on the order of
> several magnitudes more intelligent than your individual
> selves.
MIKE: But much less intelligent than a think tank or even one of those large
mob mentalities.
> Because we are, in a sense, distant relatives we keep an
> unobtrusive eye
CROW: Yet another eye?!
> on your growth patterns tilling your universe
> in subtle ways.
CROW: [In Norwegian accent.] Oh, yah. We tilled the corn stalks in to the
field after the harvest.
> You might call us farmers and administrators.
MIKE: Although we just call ourselves "party poopers."
> We are explorers and theoreticians too. We are your guardians
> in the same sense that we ourselves are presently and
> unobtrusively tended by those far more advanced than us.
CROW: Our daddy said we could have planet of our very own!
> We
> are aware that some of you are beginning to suspect our
> presence.
TOM: Oops!
MIKE: Next time I'll have to remember to wear a red suit and a beard when I
put presents under the tree.
CROW: Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me something about Santa Claus,
Mike?
> We do not prefer to manifest within your time and space
> continuum in gross and visually perceptual ways.
ALL: Gross!
> External
> visual and audio manifestations tend to scare the biological
> excrement out of those who are not yet comfortable
MIKE: I was so scared, I wet my pants.
'BOTS: We KNOW!
MIKE: Oh, come on guys. Not again.
> with
> accepting the possibility of intelligences far superior to
> their own casually living in their backyard.
TOM: We set up tents. I hope you don't mind.
> Who are we to
> deny any three dimensional creature at your stage of
> development both the fantasy
CROW: Not much unlike this one.
> as well as the dubious lesson of
> believing they are at the top of the food chain.
MIKE: But when the gigantic dog ate the whole alien fleet in one swallow, the
dog proved them wrong.
> We must
> remind you that we also fought to be at the top of the pyramid
> when we experienced your frame of existence.
TOM: And to prove it, we ate EVERYTHING in sight!
CROW: And with five eyes, that's a LOT!
> We would prefer communicating to you through what is called
> the "inner senses", through what you would call your
> imagination, impressions, and inspirational feelings.
TOM: Oh, no. Are you telling me that God as we know it is a multi-dimensional
being with five eyes?
MIKE: 'Fraid so.
CROW: I'm converting to atheism!
> We have
> found that this method of transmission is easier to assimilate
> by those who find it a disquieting concept to believe in our
> proximity.
TOM: Belief is futile! You will be assimilated!
> Our influences can be dismissed as mere fantasy
ALL: Whew!
MIKE: Boy, that was close.
> harmlessly gestating within idle minds.
CROW: Like the one which gestated this one!
> In a sense they are
> correct. It is perfectly fine as far as we are concerned to
> be completely dismissed this way.
MIKE: Aliens? No, they're just swamp gas.
> We are more interested in
> assisting the development of your imaginations and fantasies.
TOM: BRUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
MIKE: We will control every creative thought in your mind.
> We would like to add that your imaginations are developing
> nicely!
CROW: And soon you'll create even more senseless television shows and movies
which display even more sex and violence!
MIKE: Not if Janet Reno is really an alien is disguise.
CROW: Never thought of that.
> It is important to stress here
TOM: Because if you put a stress over THERE, well, it would sound quite
different and mean something else entirely.
> that we do not promise
> anyone a rose garden
MIKE: But you promised me a rose garden!
TOM: Guess we'll just have to settle for the moon.
> of easily digestible "externalized data"
> - as if our transmissions originated directly from the gods!
TOM: Pretty clever of us, eh? Not like we want you to worship us or
anything....
MIKE: Oh no.
CROW: Nope.
> From our own experience we have noted that creatures at your
> level of development living
CROW: --pay FAR too much for property taxes.
MIKE: --or continual increases in rent.
> within technologically growing
> cultures can run the risk of relying too heavily upon a
> concept we will call
MIKE: "Letting it go to your head."
> "THE NON-LIVING GOD OF EXTERNAL
> MEASUREMENT".
MIKE: That, too.
> This belief can become the only politically
> sanctioned means of determining the structure of reality,
CROW: Oh, so it's politically correct.
> both
> internal as well as external. We do not wish to contribute to
> this imbalance of perception.
TOM: Unless, of course, you wish to see it that way.
> Though we have been perceived in your past as gods
MIKE: We're really wimpy guys who get sand kicked in our face when we go out
on the beach.
> we
> hasten to add that "divine intervention", as you understand
> the term, is easier said than done.
CROW: Being a god takes a lot out of an extraterrestrial, you know!
> Focusing our energy into
> a physically perceived external 3-D Space/Time manifestation
> takes a great deal of concentration and skill.
TOM: Like Jenga! Fun for the whole family!
> Far less
> qualitative information can be conveyed through gross
> manifestations as perceived by your physical senses.
ALL: Gross!
MIKE: Didn't we cover this ground already?
> Even we
> are not perfect.
TOM: Pobody's nerfect.
> Another difficulty is that from our point of
> view we can perceive the entirety of your past, future, and
> parallel time-line realities as if they were happening NOW.
CROW: So when does NOW happen?
TOM: Right now.
CROW: Now?
MIKE: No, now.
> There's quite a bit to sort through! There are more
> productive ways in which to communicate especially when you
> are willing to meet us half-way, so to speak.
MIKE: So, if you'd like, let's meet at the restaurant at the end of the
Universe and talk it over.
> Of course we break our own code of ethics, so to speak, and
> "cheat" every now and then.
CROW: Tisk!
TOM: BAD aliens!
> We were once guilty of performing
> practical jokes
CROW: Yeah. I called a pizza place once and had them deliver -- to ANOTHER
pizza place! I kill me, sometimes.
> and we see no reason to stop doing so now.
MIKE: Oh, look. There's a spot of mustard on your tie. Oop! Made you look!
> Do
> you remember the Time/Life television commercial that
> described a person who skydived to the ground - with a failed
> parachute?
TOM: Well, forget it. This has nothing to do with it.
> It is alleged that he bounced twice off the ground
> and eventually managed to walk away from his little adventure.
CROW: We LIED! Hahahahaha!
> It's the little things in life that we enjoy meddling in.
MIKE: So if you ever wonder where your missing socks go after they've been in
your washer or drier, they do that, too.
CROW: Do you suppose they move things just as you go to look for them?
MIKE: Sure. They do that, too.
> We would like to add
TOM: But we lost our calculators and don't have any digits to speak of, so
it's been really tough.
> that we can be perceived by your
> physical senses, though we find ourselves amused at that word,
> "senses".
TOM: Oh, ho ho! Yes, that's a funny word, "senses."
> When we were three dimensional creatures operating
> at your level
CROW: We were really not much different than we are now!
> of reality we manipulated anywhere from three to
> seventeen physical senses depending on the life form and
> planet we inhabited. The trick in perceiving our "physical"
> manifestations is in learning how to sense the entirety of
> your environment rather than focusing on it's specific parts.
MIKE: So next time you're watching a magic act, don't just focus on the
magician's hands.
CROW: Yeah, he could be doing something tricky with his feet, too.
> It is a little like the concept of gestalt psychology - all of
> the parts working together can manifest a new level of
> perception that is greater than the sum of the parts. Most of
> you have pondered at some time in your life
MIKE: Would you like to make more money?
'BOTS: Sure! We all do!
> the idea that you
> yourselves might belong to something that is greater than the
> awareness you presently have of yourself.
TOM: I was not aware of that!
> We will leave you
> with the vague hint that, yes indeed, you are "on to
> something"
CROW: What? You're leaving? Now? Right now?
MIKE: No such luck yet, Crow.
> but it is important that you discover the
> significance behind that revelation at your own pace.
MIKE: As slow and plodding as it might be.
> We recall that most creatures at your level of development
> preoccupy themselves with the concept of death at one time or
> another. Incidently, we are aware of a delightful creature
> who shimmered brightly in your historical past who wanted to
> add the endurance of TAXES to the list.
CROW: We killed him.
TOM: That explains death and taxes.
> We can sympathize
> with those who have attempted to manage large bureaucratic
> institutions,
MIKE: Because, in the end, accountants really have no idea what they're doing.
> an unfortunate byproduct of technologically
> developing civilizations. When we existed at your level of
> reality
TOM: We couldn't balance our checkbooks, either.
> a few of our own conscious configurations were
> unceremoniously assassinated by those who took exception to
> our pet theories on the redistribution of wealth... but we
> digress here.
TOM: Wait a minute! Their not gods -- their POLITICIANS!
MIKE: Worse, their Marxists.
CROW: Really kind of shakes your faith, doesn't it?
> We are aware of your philosophies, religions,
> rationalizations, and belief systems that have been created in
> order to reconcile yourselves to the experience of death. You
> will continue to evolve more sophisticated modes of perception
> in order to deal with this inevitable experience.
CROW: You're going to die. Why? Because I'm going to kill you.
> In our
> opinion ALL of these viewpoints whether it is that of an
> atheist, a satanist, an agnostic pagan,
CROW: Hey! I believe in pagans!
> or that of a born-
> again fundamental christian are perfectly valid expressions
> that clothe the myriad interpretations of your universe. Of
> course, based on our own experience, we will grant you that
> certain belief systems when compared to others would appear to
> be more pleasantly experienced as are the consequences of
> accepting their ideological parameters.
TOM: Believe in us or die.
> We would like to
> state here that we are always delighted when someone is having
> a good time
TOM: Whooho!
CROW: Yeah!
MIKE: Party time!
> with the belief system they have created! You
> really DO have a choice
TOM: That's what free will is all about.
> as to what is the most appropriate
> system of belief for you. We would also like to commend many
> of you have come to the disquieting realization that what is
> perceived as an "appropriate" belief system for you is not
> necessarily perceived in the same light by others.
CROW: I believe we're going to hell in a handbasket.
TOM: Not that you have to believe me.
CROW: But don't come crying when I take away all your property and worldly
goods because I told you so!
> Coming to
> terms with this realization is, indeed, what we would call
> Good Work on your part!
MIKE: Oh, look. It says here on Steve's report card that he got an A in
Politically Correctiveness. Good work, Steve!
> We will not insult your intelligence by spoon feeding you
> drivel
CROW: Instead, we'll just shovel you cra--
MIKE: Hey, Crow. Stop.
> pertaining to proof of life after death, or even worse,
> urge you to have faith.
TOM: Have faith, dammit!
MIKE: That'll convince them, alright.
> Verification through one's own inner
> perceptions is the only truth we know. We also struggled
> through similar experiences when we experimented with your
> level of reality.
TOM: But playing with the Game Genie made it SO much easier.
> Back then we also were instinctively
> suspicious of those who claimed they knew the TRUE WAY.
CROW: Now they're evangelists. Great.
> To
> gain enlightenment we would suggest that it is not necessary
> for you to sell the house, move to higher ground, prepare for
> the Second Coming, kill infidels, or immerse yourselves in a
> number of other ideological ordeals
ALL: But it helps!
> unless that is truly what
> you believe you must do. In that case, we understand your
> need to do so as we were guilty of doing the very same things
> ourselves.
TOM: But now I'm a millionaire!
MIKE: And for a mere three easy installments of $19.95, I can teach you, too,
how to become rich.
> For those of you who are curious about the possibility of
> life after death,
TOM: Well, we're not telling! Ha!
> and we suspect most of you have pondered
> this puzzle on more than one occasion, we will leave you with
> the following suggestions. Don't expect us to give you proof.
CROW: I could tell you anything -- ANYTHING! -- and you'd have to believe us.
MIKE: Why?
CROW: Because I said so.
MIKE: Oh, that's good reason.
> Don't expect the most highly respected guru, in whatever
> clothing you have dressed him in, to give you proof.
TOM: Unless he's wearing overalls and owns a still out back, then he can give
you 100 percent proof.
> We would
> suggest you search your most intimately guarded imaginations
> and fantasies for answers.
MIKE: Hmm.
TOM: Oh, great. If Mike's imagination and fantasies held the key, we'd all be
lounging on a tropical isle with dancing hula girls.
CROW: And what's wrong with that?
> We would especially like to add
> the following suggestion to you INTERNET members:
TOM: GET A LIFE! No, I'm kidding...really.
> Why do many
> of you seem to take an interest in reading science, astronomy,
> philosophy, as well as science fiction and fantasy?
CROW: Because those are the only newsgroups my system admin will put on the
site.
> Ask
> yourselves why you "network" within the growing global nervous
> system of the INTERNET reacquainting yourselves with other
> "extended family" creatures, some who live on opposite sides
> of your planet.
CROW: I have no life? I need to get out more?
> Ask yourselves why you enjoy celebrating the
> creative explorations of alternative life styles while
> speculating on the psychologies of different life forms.
TOM: Because our inner children are sick little bastards.
> We
> celebrate the legitimacy you are beginning to extend to your
> maturing imaginations.
MIKE: And let me tell you, it's a really hip and happening party.
> Just having a blast is one of the best
> reasons we can think of for doing what you do.
TOM: Any excuse for a party.
> We would like
> to hint that within the joy of your created fantasies you may
> begin to remember.
CROW: Remember what? I made it up!
> Before leaving you to your holiday eggnog floats
CROW: He IS serious about leaving this time, right?
MIKE: Well, not quite yet....
> we would
> like to make one more comment.
ALL: No more! No more!
> We realize that what we are
> about to suggest may sound patronizing
MIKE: Because it is.
> but we hope that you
> will humor us.
MIKE: Oh, ha ha. You're so funny, Orion.
> Consider us in the role of parental guardians
> who feel obliged to give out a bit of advice before handing
> over the keys to the ground-based transport vehicle. (We know
> you are not listening!)
CROW: So why even bother saying it?
MIKE: I always wondered that myself.
> None of you can progress unless you
> are willing to admit your mistakes to yourselves and to
> others.
MIKE: This is true enough.
> Mistakes come in all forms and shapes.
CROW: Big ones, little ones.
MIKE: Even the ones that start nuclear wars. Boy, were our faces red over
THAT one!
> You may find
> yourselves making a clerical error in your savings account.
TOM: Whoops! Carried one too many zeros to the end of my total!
MIKE: Are you saying we DIDN'T earn $4,000,000 this past year?
> You may slip on an icy path and break an appendage.
MIKE: And I would laugh at your expense.
> You may
> collide with a law enforcement vehicle while intoxicated and
> kill yourself along with your mate and offspring.
TOM: Boy, were OUR faces red when THAT happened!
> You may
> even during a moment of irrational panic push the button that
> eventually transforms your planet into a pretty asteroid belt
> - as perceived through a powerful telescope by courting lovers
> on a balmy summer evening light years away.
CROW: [Country hick voice.] Oh, gee, that is ser purty.
MIKE: Yah.
> Sure, it is easy
> for us to say, but every creature is entitled to a bad day.
MIKE: So don't mind me if I play a little Galactic pool and sink a few
inhabited planets in some black holes.
> After all the accusatory tentacle waving and pointing is done,
TOM: We'd just realize it was all our fault in the first place. Oops!
> we would suggest you ask yourself what lesson can be learned
> from the mistake.
TOM: Let's see...next time, I'll try not to die when a nuclear bomb goes off
in my back yard!
MIKE: Now THERE'S a lesson.
> Incidently, this might be an appropriate
> time to ask yourselves why so many of you on your planet have
> recently become preoccupied with environmental and political
> concerns.
MIKE: Hey, Tom, why do you think so many people back on Earth are preoccupied
with environmental and political issues right now?
TOM: It's an election year?
> Again, we will remind you of the hint that within
> your created fantasies (as well as concerns) you may begin to
> remember.
CROW: But of course I can't remember! I made it all up!
> We leave you now to your marvelously growing global nervous
> system. We would like to say: "Job well done!" Even we have
> found ourselves surprised at the growing conscious power of
> your marvelous INTERNET.
TOM: The growing number of strange posts just like this one!
CROW: I'm not surprised.
> We will now travel back to our back
> yard, so to speak, encouraged by the creative energies of your
> literary efforts.
CROW: So keep those posts comin'!
> You have stimulated our own potentials for
> creating new dimensions to explore and experience.
MIKE: Generating more replies in regards to posts--
TOM: --just like THIS one!
> As we
> reach out to those of you who seek our presence, we also learn
> from you. We will meet again. We have never left.
TOM: Now wait. We'll meet again even though they've never left?
CROW: Hey! He said he would be going back to his own yard!
> Seasons Greeting,
>
> ORION
TOM: Not to be confused with Orion pictures or the ORION empire.
MIKE: Nor to be confused with the song "Arms of Orion."
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
CROW: Oooh! I'm seeing stars again!
> Remember kids! This story is was a created myth based on a
> personal fantasy of my own,
CROW: This was this man's FANTASY?
MIKE: [sings] It's just a fantasy.
'BOTS: [sing] Wo-oo-oo-oo.
MIKE: [sings] It's not the real thing.
> so please treat it as such!
ALL: We will!
> Again
> I must stress that my character, ORION, bares no affiliation
> whatsoever with the alleged evil ORION empire as has been
> hinted by certain UFO stories concerning the Grays.
TOM: And neither of which has any affiliation with any song with the name of
Orion in it, or any bloke who's name might coincidentally be named Orion.
> I wish to express my warmest holiday greetings (in no
> particular order) to: Glenda Stocks, Don Showen, Laura K.
> Watson, John Winston, Rich Payne, Dirk John Fischer, James M.
> Farlen II, Mathew Williams, Vidar Lund, Doug Webbr, Jack
> Donovan, Richard D. Butler, Raj Sharma, Patrick Walsh, Dave
> Alexander, John Emery, Jeremy Konopka. No doubt, there are
> countless others on the INTERNET I've missed nameing.
MIKE: Including the god of misspellings.
> A warm
> and pleasant holidaly to all of you too. To paraphrase
> Shakespeare "We are all actors upon a stage with scripts we
> must act out."
TOM: Oh! He was SO close!
> So, speak clearly and try not to bump into
> each others posts too hard!
>
> Keep posting!
>
>
> ---------------------------------------------
> Respectfully, Steven Vincent Johnson
> INTERNET: steven....@ccmail.adp.wisc.edu
> ---------------------------------------------
[Door sequence.]
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: You know, guys, that really wasn't all that bad.
TOM: You're right. In fact, I feel all warm and tingly inside!
MIKE: Hey, everybody, how 'bout a great big group hug, hu?
CROW: Yeah!
MIKE: Come on, Cambot. You, too, Gypsy. Come on.
[Cambot comes closer. Mike puts his arms around everyone.]
MIKE: Aw. Now doesn't that just give you the warm fuzzies all over, sirs?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [Holding box of talcum powder and wearing rubber gloves.] Well, I'm
glad you feel you've started out the year on a good foot. My new year's baby
idea back fired, and now Frank's got diaper rash and I've got to change him.
Eik.
[Dr. Forrester pushes button.]
--
Lisa Jenkins "Just having a blast is one of the best
jen...@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu reasons we can think of for doing what you
do." --Steven Johnson's "Orion"