MiSTied: A Tale of Magic

[Dan Thompson]

NOTE: Just a quick response to something that appeared on
rec.games.deckmaster, so no invention exchange, etc. Sorry.

BTW: Would some kind soul who knows how to cross-post please email me?
Thanks!

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6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1

> From: grs...@vmsb.is.csupomona.edu

CROW: [ singing ] My-my-my-my-my csupomona . . .

> Newsgroups: rec.games.deckmaster
> Subject: A Tale of Magic
> Date: 4 Mar 94 14:35:44 PST
> Organization: California State Polytechnic University, Pomona
> Lines: 76
> Message-ID: <1994Mar4.143544.1@clstac>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: vmsb.is.csupomona.edu
>
> A smile cracked his weathered lips

CROW: Eew! Gross!

MIKE: He outta try some lip balm on those.

> and his eyes like glass glinted in the
> firelight. He held my gaze and refused to release it, judging me with his
> withering stare. When his verdict was delivered he lowered the gnarled
> pipestem from his lips, still cracked into a smile that never touched his
> eyes,and his story began.

TOM: Story? What about the verdict?

CROW: Guilty . . . of failure to complete a thought.

> I found my mind filled with the images of battle..

MIKE: -Star Galactica! Look, there's Starbuck and that dog-food guy, and
that other guy whose name I could never remember . . . .

> ...It had been a long afternoon. On the broken plain below us lay the
> carcasses of the mighty beasts and great heroes that we had sent to their
> deaths. Most had fought well, willingly sacrificing themselves in the name of
> the wizard that had pulled them out of their lives in their own lands and
> thrust them into a maelstrom of magic that they knew the may not survive.

CROW: Gee, who wouldn't be willing to fight for that?

MIKE: I hear the UN is investigating this story for human rights violations.

TOM: For killing all those creatures?

MIKE: No, for making us read it.

> My
> gaze swept over the bodies of the heroes from Benlal twisted in perpetual
> battle with the corpses of the goblin hordes they had been sent to face.
> Futher away, isolated on a lonley hill, the snowy white coats and brilliant
> golden horns of a herd of unicorns lay scattered amongst their bones and
> charred flesh.

MIKE: OK, kids, the barbecue's ready!

> They had stood their ground. At the base of the hill lay piled
> the rotting remains the zombies they had defended me from. The vultures would
> feast well on this day.

CROW: Hallmark. When you care enough to send the very worst.

> Taking a deep breath

TOM: [ George Carlin voice ] Well don't take one of mine!

> and ignoring the pains of my own wounds I looked far
> to the south and smiled.

MIKE: Scenes of mass graves always make me happy, especially in spring.

> There, deep in the mires and scums of the swamps,

TOM: [ Monty Python voice ] I built a castle. It sunk into the swamp, so
I built another.

> stood my adversary. About him he had gathered a most frightful horde of
> creatures. Skeletons of ancient heroes lost to the swamps wet clutches

MIKE: Yeah, you gotta look out for those swamps. Get ya every time.

CROW: Maybe they were quick-swamps.

> strode
> through the swamps and onto the plain. Even from where I stood I could here

TOM: Well of course you were "here." Anyplace you stand is "here." Don't
you get it?

> the chilling clacking of their bones as they marched to kill me. At their
> forfront was a creature that turned my blood to ice. Floating lazily above
> the ground it swept out of the fens. Its cloak blown by an invisible wind, the
> shade advanced. A nimbus of darkness enveloped it,

CROW: [ sniffs ] Pee-yew!

> seemingly negating the
> sunlight falling on it. Its eyes glowed bright with the color of fresh blood
> deep in the dark hood. Its nimbus was powerful,

CROW: You're telling me! Geez, light a match or something.

> a dank stillness fell across
> the land as this unholy creature swept forward. From where I stood I could
> feel its desire to drink my soul and crush my body in its clammy grip. My
> opponent had filled this creature with his foul power, a vertually unstopable
> piece of

CROW: Nimbus.

> hatred and death.
>
> Beyond this horific army that comes to claim my body for its master rose a
> creature from the swamp that made my body quiver in terror. A gargantuan
> monster of steel and stone and wood, it lumbered out of the mist.

TOM: [ Monty Python voice ] Now, Lancelot and I jump out of the rabbit. . .

MIKE: That's enough Python, Tom.

> The Juggernaut. I had no time. Around me the forests stood silent. And
> the terrible horde crept forward. With a bloodcurling howl that sounded like
> the screams of a thousand dieing children

CROW: Blue! No--make it purple!

TOM: This is going to be the best Easter egg hunt ever!

MIKE: Uh, guys, I think he means "dying."

TOM: That's OK--so do we.

> the horde charged at me.

ALL: [ sing "Chariots of Fire" theme ]

> I knew that running was futile, but I did anyway. At my back I could feel
> the shade's claws grasping for my throat. I ran, and it was all I could do
> not to laugh.

MIKE: Ha-ha! I still couldn't get over those hillarious corpses!

> Into a clearing I sped wit

TOM: Oh, that was a mistake. I'm not so sure you have a lot to spare.

> only a few moments to spare.

TOM: Them, too.

> There, in the
> depths of the forest waited the lone creature that stood between me and
> eternal damnation at the hands of my foes beasts.

CROW: I got a good chuckle just thinking about that.

> It mewled at me quietly,
> purring almost affectionately, and lumbered

MIKE: Sure is a lot of lumbering going on in this story.

TOM: That's 'cause they're in the forest.

MIKE: Oh . . . Huh?

> out from under the deep canopy to
> meet me. I carressed the scales of her nose for a moment,

CROW: [ goofy pet-owner voice ] You're a *good* little hell-beast, aren't
you? Yes you are! Good hell-beast!

> and wished that
> there were another way. My reverie broken by the sound of the Juggernaut
> penetrating the edge of my pristine

CROW: Lab--

MIKE: Stop it, Crow; this is a family post.

> raparian domain, I quickly gathered my
> power. Feeling the power of the land infuse me I could not help but laugh with
> joy

TOM: Why, did something else die?

> before I formed it and released it. I lay a hand on the rough scales of
> my Craw Wurm pet and released the power into her...
>
> ...and she grew. Again I did it and again she grew. Once more and my pet
> towered over the land, unfathomly large. Forests were crushed under her bulk,

MIKE: Ha-ha! Even dying trees make me laugh!

> she rose to over a league

CROW: So what's that, about ten teams?

> to her nose. The paw at which I stood was at least a
> quarter of a mile long. Godzilla had arrived.

ALL: [ singing ] Oh, no! There goes Tokyo! Go-go Godzilla!

> I infused her with a fury that
> made the world tremble, and then did it again. Her berserker rage bested her
> and she lept for the Juggernaut. It was crushed, splintered into a thousand
> tiny shards upon impact and then ground into the earth.

ALL: [ laugh uncontrollably ]

> My pet did not stop
> there. Her leap took her into the swamp where she lashed her awesome bulk in
> a fury. When she was done the lands lay still. Of the swamps there lay
> nothing but a muddy mess of deep gouges made by the claws of my dead pet.

ALL: [ more hysterical laughter ]

> Nothing else moved.
>
>
> In fascination I gazed at the old mage. With wonder and awe I asked him.

MIKE: Are you as turned-on as I am right now?

> "Yep," he answered in his gravelly voice, the smile broud on his
> face,"that Craw Wurm was a 60/10 creature with trample. That's what happens
> when you toss three Giant Growths and two Berserks on one."

TOM: Actually, the Craw Wurm's 6/4 isn't it? Three Giant Growths would
make it 15/13, and then two Berserks would make it 60/13.

CROW: Tom?

TOM: Yeah?

CROW: Shut up.

> My mind started working the numbers agian in disbelief, but it came out
> the same.
> "But what about the Frozen Shade and those Drudge Skeletons??!" I asked.
> His smile faded and his face darkened. He again held me entranced in his
> gaze. Slowly he stood and lifted his tunic and showed me the burn marks in
> the shape of the hands of a Shade and the scars of old sword wounds.

CROW: Hey, dude, nice body art!

MIKE: Wait a minute--I don't understand. Why didn't he use those other
creatures? How does that answer the question?

TOM: Well, I have an answer.

MIKE: What?

TOM: We can go now.

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DISCLAIMER:

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and images
are the property of Best Brains, Inc. This was an unauthorized MiSTing, and was
meant in the spirit of fun. No personal offense was intended to the author, the
creators of the characters, or the reader. Complaints regarding this posting
should be addressed to one of your friends who complains that they don't get
enough mail. This disclaimer was stolen from Harlan Feilicher, author of the
great MiSTing of "Mother+Daughters."

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> the rotting remains the zombies they had defended me from. The vultures would
> feast well on this day.
> Taking a deep breath and ignoring the pains of my own wounds I looked far
> to the south and smiled.

--
"Big Dan" Thompson | "Do you ever get the feeling that the story's too
da...@austin.ibm.com | damn real and in the present tense?" --Jethro Tull