MiSTed: "MIA #3: Red Dawn" 3/6

[Clo...@my-dejanews.com]

Continued from Part 2 of 6...

>causing the Doctor to flinch and stumble
>several yards away from the Osiran. Ka'rel seemed just as startled as
>the Doctor, but traveled in the opposite direction, her strides
>bringing her to Kohentan's feet in a few moments.
>
>"Yes, Lord" she said, kneeling hastily.
>
>"Is there any truth to this story?"

Tom: Well, there's certainly no entertainment value...

>Ka'rel seemed completely confused. "Lord, I did send out a group of
>servitors, and the readings from one did report an artifact that
>appears to be neither a natural formation or a product of the native
>culture, but.... Lord, are you feeling all right?"

Crow: [Ka'rel] You look short, and female...

>"Recall the servitor."
>
>**************
>
>Miles away, a solitary figure lumbered away from the tall blue box it
>had been guarding.

Mike: Which was kinda insignificant, because they had a bathroom right
in the ship.

>
>**************
>
>Kohentan turned away from Ka'rel, and once again addressed the Doctor.

Crow: How much postage would you need for someone his size?

>"I apologize for any inconvenience, couriers. It has been a long time
>since we have heard word from home, and apparently, protocols have
>changed.

Mike: [Kohentan] That whole "not looking like us at all" thing really
threw us off.

>If you will merely give your credentials to my servant , we
>will grant you aid of any sort."
>
>"Erm... credentials?" the Doctor asked, looking about.

Tom: I feel another "pockets" scene coming on...

>
>"They're in the TARDIS as well," Jamie chimed in helpfully. Kohentan's
>face returned to its initial scowl of disapproval, and she turned back
>towards Ka'rel.
>
>"Kill them." Ka'rel concentrated for an instant, and the servitors
>once again advanced towards the Doctor and Jamie.

Tom: Get fooled by a fake Fed-Ex driver once, and they get really
strict about security around here.

>**************
>
>When control of the Osiran ship had been handed over from Ka'bob to
>Ka'rel, a few duties had gone unfinished.

Mike: Awright, who forgot to refill the toilet paper roll?

>Ka'bob had not quite
>completed them, and Ka'rel believed that they'd already been done.
>Among these forgotten duties was the shutdown of the Hostile Boarder
>Repeller function. It was designed to initiate a transmat sequence
>when activated, which would quickly and efficiently remove any members
>of a species other than Osiran or Ka'baa from the ship and deposit them
>in the vacuum of space. Ordinarily, it was turned off when the ship
>made planetfall, since the exterior environment was usually more
>accommodating to any boarders.

Tom: Also known as the "convenient plot hole" device!
Crow: No kidding! What next, Bat Shark-Repellent?

>In any event, it hadn't been shut down when Ssturn inadvertently
>activated it.

Mike: Wouldn't that mean he shut it off?

>
>**************
>
>Jamie closed his eyes as the robots closed in. A bizarre humming noise
>filled his ears, and when he opened his eyes he found himself, the
>Doctor, and a pair of lizard-like aliens

Crow: ...Surrounded by other victims of the "Big Hum."

>standing on one of Mars' red
>mountains. On the horizon, he could just barely make out the pyramidal
>shape of the alien ship.
>
>"Wha- Wha' happened?" he asked the Doctor. The Doctor was already
>staring off into the distance, trying to figure out how close they were
>to both the ship and the TARDIS.

Mike: Or possibly just working out how to get past the flying octopus
on Super Mario Brothers 3.

>"I'm not quite sure. Are you all right, Jamie? No broken bones?"
>
>"I think I'm all right. But what about Victoria? What happened to
>her?"
>
>"It looks like she's been taken over by one of the Osirans."

Crow: Ooh, he's a sharp one!

>"She didn't even recognize us."
>
>"Actually, that's a good sign. It means that Kohentan has left her
>mind alone so far, and is only using her body. It means that we can
>still get her back."

Tom: [Doctor] Or ditch her! Why not make the aliens' lives
miserable too!

>Jamie rubbed his side, wincing as he came across a band of bruising.
>"How did we get all the way out here?"
>
>The Doctor paced across the red rock. A look of uncertainty crossed
>his face, and he said "It might have been a transmat beam. Perhaps
>these two know something about it." He turned to the two Martians.
>"Ah... Hello there! Would you care for a jelly baby?" He produced a
>crumpled bag of sweets from inside one of his pockets and proffered it
>to the aliens.

Crow: -- who turned out to be diabetic. After inadvertently
slaughtering them...

>Sskrantz took the entire bag. "Thank you. Are you the High Ones?"
>
>Jamie's brows knitted. "High Ones? Who're they?"
>
>Ssturn looked at his friend. "Evidently, they're not." He faced the
>Doctor and Jamie. "I'm.... He's.... We are Sskrantz and Ssturn.

Crow: ...Of Borg.

>Who
>are you?"
>
>"Well, I'm the Doctor, and these are my friends, Jamie and ...
>actually, our other friend is acting a little unfriendly at the
>moment."

Tom: Heck, who wouldn't, after having to live with these two
refugees from the Three Stooges!

>**************
>
>"Lord, I most humbly suggest that you rest for another period."

Tom: Comma.
Mike: Colon.
Crow: Question mark.

>Ka'rel was shaking as she bowed before her god. "Your telepathic
>abilities have not yet manifested themselves, and perhaps some time to
>recuperate from sleep would be beneficial."

Mike: [Yawning] Right now, sleep would be nothing but healthy for me.

>Kohentan considered the suggestion for a moment, and then lifted Ka'rel
>from her subservient position.

Tom: Remember to return your servant to a full and upright position.
Crow: And thank you for flying Freaky Godlike Being Airways.

>Her face (or at least the face of her current body) crinkled for a moment.
>Frustrated, she stopped trying to initiate telepathic contact. She put
>her hands against Ka'rel's neck and swiftly broke it.

Crow: You know, her massaging technique needs a little work.

>The body crumpled to the ground, and a Ka'baa attendant quickly removed
>it. A new pilot, Ka'fek, stepped forward and knelt. "Lord, we await your
>orders."

Mike: [Motioning to the 'Bots] No Deli jokes here, guys.
Tom: Wouldn't dream of it.
Crow: You never sausage a quieter 'Bot than me.
[Mike and Tom stare at Crow]
Crow: [Looking at them] What?!

>Ka'fek thought it prudent for him to relay each message verbally, since
>the Lord had not yet chosen to manifest his telepathic abilities.
>
>"Determine why the captives escaped, and execute those responsible.
>Deploy a complement of servitors to search for them. Continue
>processing the natives. Inform me if any other ship enters the system.

Crow: Set the clocks back, and put the cat out!

>I will be recuperating." Kohentan strode out of the auditorium,

Tom: Kohentan has left the building!
Mike: [As Elvis] Thank you! Thank you very much!

>and returned to his sleep chamber. He had come extremely close to panic
>when he'd heard that the strangers were from Phaester Osiris.

[Crow turns to the others]
Crow: Where's Phaester Osiris?
Tom: Isn't it just outside Circle Pines?
Mike: No, no. It's twinned with Circle Pines.
Crow and Tom: Aaah.

>It was quite a relief to know that Horus was probably still unaware
>of his plans.

Tom: So are we.

>**************
>
>"So you were going to try to talk to the High Ones?"

[Crow begins to say something, but Mike stops him.]
Mike: No drug humor, Crow. This is family fanfic.

>The Doctor asked the pair of Martians. The four of them had quickly
>hidden behind a rock outcropping,

Crow: Not a crop out rocking?
Tom: If you see this crop out rockin', don't come a knockin'.

>in the hopes that it would make any searches for them harder.
>
>"Yes. The rest of our race worships them, but we thought that we could
>learn more by speaking with them as equals."

Mike: How do you get more out of equals?

>Sskrantz was talking with the Doctor, while Ssturn made measurements
>of the Osiran ship from a distance.

Crow: [Dumb guy voice] Hey look! From here it fits in my claw!

>"Ordinarily, it sounds like a good idea. But with these particular
>High Ones, I wouldn't advise it." The Doctor had taken out his
>recorder and was tootling away on it at odd intervals, claiming it
>helped him think. "As a matter of fact, I'd probably stay as far away
>from *these* High Ones as possible."
>
>"Doctor, shouldna we being doing something?" Jamie had been
>impatiently throwing rocks at one of the nearby boulders, waiting for
>something to happen.

Tom: Something will happen if he keeps that up.

>A few bars of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" came from the Doctor's
>instrument, followed by "But we are doing something, Jamie.

Mike: It's got a good beat, but I can't dance to it. I give it a 7.

>We're waiting for Deimos to rise. It's quite beautiful, and you'll
>thank me when you see it."
>
>"Doctor, they've got Victoria! We canna just sit around looking at
>stars!"
>
>The Doctor put down his recorder for a moment. "I know, Jamie. I'm
>doing my best to come up with a plan to get her back. But first things
>first. We need to get back to the TARDIS first, and to do that, we
>have to cross the surface.

All: First!

>Now they're bound to have their sensors trained for any sign of us,

Mike: [Whistling] Here, sensors! Fetch! Roll over! Play dead!
[Tom and Crow make barking noises]
Mike: Good sensors!

>and I happen to know that the moon should interfere with their equipment.
>It'll only be about five minutes before it comes over the horizon, and
>then we can go." Jamie turned away, still a little disappointed.
>"Have a little faith, Jamie. I've gotten us out of tighter spots
>than this." Jamie nodded.
>
>The Doctor picked up his recorder, clambered off his rocky perch and
>sat down next to his friend. "Here, I'll cheer you up. Make any
>request, and I'll play it for you." He checked his posture, put his
>recorder in his lips and prepared to blow.
>
>"Any request?"
>
>The Doctor nodded, still trying to retain his position.

Tom: What, is the Doctor up for re-election?

>"Stop playing."
>
>The Doctor frowned in mock frustration.

Mike: Oh, bet you didn't see THAT one coming.

>"You're right, Doctor. Tha' did cheer me up." He smiled. "Doctor?"
>
>"Yes, Jamie?"
>
>"There's one thing I dinna understand."

Crow: Only one?

>"Such as?"
>
>"Why did Victoria - I mean, this Kohentan character - treat us all
>nicely when ye told her ye had the message in the TARDIS, but tried
>to have us killed when I said our ... uh ... credentials were there,
>too."

Tom: Umm, because you're the good guys and she's the bad guy?
Crow: Nah, too obvious.

>The Doctor smiled. "Osiran messengers carry their messages on hard
>copy,

Mike: Man, I love that show!

>usually on real parchment, but their credentials are kept
>telepathically in their minds. So, when you said our credentials
>were in the TARDIS, she knew we were lying."
>
>"Oh. Sorry."
>
>"Don't worry about it. Actually, I think you may have been
>telling the truth."
>
>"Eh?"
>
>"How many times has Ben asked you if you left your brain in the
>TARDIS?"

All: Oh, ha ha. VERY funny.

>Now it was Jamie's turn to frown in mock frustration.
>"Actually, it may have given us an important piece of information.
>Kohentan told us to give the credentials to one of the Ka'baa -"
>
>"Those blue fellas, right."
>
>"Yes. Now since she didn't ask us to give them to her personally,

Mike: Then she knew the credentials weren't Hallmark credentials.
Tom: Hallmark. When you have to think the very best.

>I think that may mean that her telepathy is faulty in some way.
>Or at least, she isn't able to use it yet. Something to think
>about."
>
>**************
>
>Twenty minutes later....

Crow: For them, maybe. Seems a lot longer to me.

>"I thought you said this moon would be up fifteen minutes ago." Jamie
>said through a mouthful of jelly-babies.
>
>"I thought it would be. Sskrantz? Do you know when moonrise is?"
>
>"No, but perhaps Ssturn does." Sskrantz turned to Ssturn, who had
>evidently overheard the discussion.
>
>"Moonrise will not be for another fourteen hours."
>
>"Fourteen hours! Ye got your sums wrong, Doctor."
>
>"No, not Phobos. I mean Deimos, the other moon." The Doctor looked at
>the sky expectantly.
>
>"*Other* moon?" Sskrantz and Ssturn chorused.

Tom: Oh, that song is so lame! I can't dance to it at all. I give it a 0.
[Mike looks at Tom]
Mike: Uh, Tom, you can't dance to it because you don't have any legs.
Tom: Oh yeah! In that case, I give it a 10!

>"We have only the one moon, Doctor. And it won't be up for another
>fourteen hours." Ssturn resumed his measurements.
>
>"What? That's odd. I've always known Mars to have two moons. I
>wonder what happened to the other one." The Doctor tapped his mouth
>thoughtfully. "Or rather, what will happen."

Mike: Do you think this is what they mean by 'foreshadowing'?
Crow: Nah, too obvious.
[Mike looks at Crow, then back at Tom]
Tom: [Whispering to Mike] Everything's too obvious to him.

>"Doctor" called Ssturn. "I see something." The martian scholar's gaze
>was now turned toward a spot about 500 meters from their current
>location.
>
>"What is it?"
>
>Ssturn considered for a moment, squinting his black eyes. "Heads,
>heads, heads.

Tom: [Singing] The boys are marching!

>A bunch of them, all in a row, coming toward us."
>
>The Doctor scrambled up to Ssturn's level and looked at what he was
>talking about. A low ridge covered most of the terrain nearby, but the
>Doctor could see eight heads peeking out over the top. They were
>marching directly toward the Doctor's position.
>
>"Oh dear."
>
>The heads were all green, with a ridge of vertebra-like bumps running
>across their tops. Their eyes were hidden behind red visors, and their
>cruel, thin-lipped mouths betrayed no emotion to the outside world.
>The lead head

Mike: You know, I was a Dead Head once...

>brought one of his hands (a huge armored clamp the same
>shade of green as his head) into view, causing the heads behind him to
>stop. They each brought their left hands into view, and aimed them at
>the Doctor's position.

Crow: Here's the wind up, and the pitch...

>"Get down!" the Doctor yelled, pushing Ssturn to the ground. A second
>later, the rock next to where they'd been watching exploded.

Crow: ...And the 1st Annual "Lousy Aim Championship" is underway!
[Everybody begins cheering]

>"What is it, Doctor?" Jamie asked, making sure that Sskrantz kept his
>head down.
>
>"Ice Warriors. Eight of them. They were either transmatted with us,
>or sent out looking for us afterward. Either way, we can't let them
>capture us." The Doctor looked across the landscape for some better
>cover, and his gaze came upon the base of a cliff a few hundred feet
>away. "Jamie, I think it's time for Plan B."

Mike: I didn't even know there was a Plan A.

>He pointed to the cliff, and Jamie nodded.
>
>The rock outcropping they'd taken shelter behind was pulverized a
>little more by the Warriors' sonic weapons.

Mike: Oh! The outcrop is taking a tremendous beating! Can anyone help it?
Crow: [As Burgess Meredith from "Rocky"] Get back inta that firefight, ya
no-talent bum! You're the poorest excuse for an outcropping I've ever
seen!

>Jamie whispered something in Sskrantz's ear spots, and the Doctor did
>the same for Ssturn.
>
>"Now!" the Doctor yelled a few moments later, and the four of them took
>off at a run for the cliff.
>
>**************
>
>An Osiran Battle Barge is an incredible piece of machinery.

Crow: What are we? Chopped liver?!
Tom: Yeah!

>While scout ships - like the one Kohentan arrived in - usually have a
>great deal of aesthetic value invested in them,

Mike: I always heard that aesthetic values were good investments.

>a Battle Barge doesn't take such things into account. It's formidability
>comes instead from its sheer size.
>
>An average Barge tends to be about ten miles in diameter, and has
>enough firepower to destroy a star cluster in less than ten days.

Tom: If not completely satisfied with the levels of destruction, please
return for a full refund.

>Its complement is over 650 Million Ka'baa and 17 Osirans. It can quite
>literally fly through a medium-sized star with only cosmetic damage (to
>the Barge, that is. The star itself is a different matter).

Crow: Stellar matter.
[Mike and Tom look at Crow, who looks back.]
Crow: What?!

>But it was not an average Barge that emerged from hyperspace into a
>position between Jupiter and the Fendahl asteroid belt. It was one of
>Horus' personal guard Barges,

Mike: Barges? We don't need no stinkin' barges!

>commanded by Ra himself.
>
>
>Red Dawn - Chapter 6
>The Story of Kohentan
>by Louise Dennis
>
>
>The fugitives were running as fast as they could away from the native
>martians. Around them blocks of stone and boulders were flattened by
>the sonic rays emitted by the Ice Warrior guns. The platoon wasn't so
>much searching for them as flattening everything in sight.

Tom: Like Mike Tyson when he's drunk.

>"This way!" Jamie felt one of the martians, Sskrantz or Ssturn, grab
>his arm and pull him down into a cleft in the ground.

Mike: Montgomery Cleft?
[Sounds of disapproval from Tom and Crow]
Tom: Oh, Mike!
Crow: Bad human! Bad, bad, bad human! [He nips Mike on the elbow]
Mike: Ouch! [He rubs his arm] OK, OK! Sorry.

>The other martian and the Doctor were already sheltering there.
>Realization dawned on Jamie. If the Ice warriors missed the cleft
>they would just see a flattened area and assume that everything in it
>had been killed.

Crow: Ooh, good plan! I know I'd fall for it.
Mike: Don't be sarcastic.
Tom: Uh, Mike. He's not being sarcastic.
Mike: He isn't?
Crow: Nope. I'd really fall for it.

>"This is not a bad idea," he complimented the martian.

Tom: I'm sure he wouldn't be saying that if he had fallen into it.
Crow: Like I would have.
[Mike shakes his head]

>"We should probably stay in the gully for a while though," mentioned
>the Doctor. He began pulling out his recorder.
>
>"Wait a minute," said Jamie hurriedly, "why don't we follow the gully?
>Get further away from them Ice warriors."
>
>He was relieved to see the Doctor put the recorder back in his
>pocket, "You're right, we'd better press on for a bit."

Tom: Another ancient Chinese secret?

>
>------------------
>
>The thing to bear in mind about Osirans is their longevity. When one
>has centuries by which to measure a lifetime there is a tendency to
>plan long and carefully before undertaking any action.

Mike: That's just what this story needs.

>As a result Osirian plans tend to be intricate and detailed with every
>contingency covered. They also tend to take a very long time. In fact
>its a bit like watching chess, played by two extremely fast computers.

Tom: Obviously they've never watched Crow play chess.
Crow: Right. [Looks over at Tom] Hey!

>Most plans are never carried out since each opponent makes one move,
>thinks for a long time, and then one of them capitulates.
>
>As a result very few Osirans ever get anything done, which by and
>large is considered a good thing by the other inhabitants of the
>Universe.

Mike: But not by us!
Tom and Crow: Yeah!

>The problem is that when an Osiran decides to carry on regardless,
>his plans are just as carefully laid as any other Osiran,
>and the rest are often too slow and too careful to do anything to stop
>them. If they can be bothered that is, the Osirans have a fairly low
>opinion of other lifeforms. Something else the rest of the universe
>is, on the whole, grateful for, since the chances are that an Osiran
>is more likely to ignore you than eradicate you.
>
>Ra set a few Ka'baa to monitor instruments, replace the pilot who had
>just burnt out.

Mike: Its warranty had just expired.
Tom: Isn't that always the way?

>He had been considering his moves in this contingency for some time
>and his plans were already laid.
>
>-------------------
>
>The Doctor, Jamie, Sskrantz and Ssturn sheltered in a small gully.
>While the platoon of Ice Warriors marched past overhead.
>
>"Well, that's good, we appear to have lost them!" said the Doctor
>brightly.
>
>"Aye, and ourselves in the process," complained Jamie.

All: And us!

>"I don't know, I have an unerring sense of direction you know. I'm
>sure we're retracing our steps towards the TARDIS."
>
>"And how's that supposed to help Victoria."
>
>"Osirians are highly sophisticated beings, and extremely powerful. As
>a race they don't have anything one could realistically term a
>weakness. Individually, on the other hand, you never know."
>
>"That's all very well, but how are we supposed to discover this
>Kohenten's weaknesses."

Tom: Skip to later chapters!
Mike: Try asking *real* questions with punctuation and stuff.

>"Well, he's not an Osirian I've heard of before, and
>the more active ones had a way of leaving a trail in the mythology of
>every sentient race they encountered. However, even a fairly minor
>Osirian, should have left some sort of story behind them."
>
>"So you're going to check the databanks for stories about Kohenten."
>
>"That's the general idea."
>
>"And you think this will help Victoria ? Come on Doctor, myths and
>legends! They're not really going to help much."

Crow: Couldn't be less help than you've been.

>"Until I think of something better they're going to have to do. Come
>on this way!!"
>
>The Doctor picked himself up and headed down the gully.

Mike: Towards the Ice Warriors.
Tom and Crow: D'oh!

>Sskrantz tapped Jamie on the shoulder as he set off after him.
>
>"If you're looking for the spot where we encountered your friend it's
>up there."

Tom: By the sign that says "This is the spot."

>The other martian nodded, "we definitely remember meeting her, and it
>was near that rock formation that looks a bit like a Yad doing a
>handstand, you can see it just there," And he too pointed up the
>gully, in the opposite direction to where the Doctor was headed.
>
>"Hey Doctor!" called Jamie, "you're going in the wrong direction."
>
>"That's right," remarked the Doctor cheerfully, stopping in his
>tracks, doing an about turn and coming back towards them, "it's up
>here."

[Mike and the 'Bots get up and leave]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

[The final door closes, and we're back in the main area of the Satellite of
Love. Crow and Tom are quickly writing words down on pieces of paper.
They're snickering to themselves.]
Crow: Ha, ha! This is going to be great!
Tom: Yeah! I can't wait to see Mike's face!
[Mike walks on.]
Mike: You can't wait to see my what, Tom?
Tom: [Startled] Oh hi, Mike! I was just saying I couldn't wait to see
your face when we showed you these.
[Mike picks up the pieces of paper.]
Mike: What are these for, guys?
Tom: Well, to make it easier to follow which Osiran is which in this
fanfic, Crow and I decided to put together a series of Phaester
Osiran flash cards!
Crow: Yeah, Mike! They're very good!
Tom: Yeah! Crow and I are finding them indispensable. Would you like to
try them, Mike?
Crow: [Overly eager] Yeah, yeah, Mike! Try them! Try them!
Tom: [Quietly to Crow] Hey, Crow, take it easy! He'll get suspicious!
[Mike makes a puzzled face.]
Mike: Suspicious of what, Tom?
Tom: Nothing, Mike, nothing. So do you want to try them?
Mike: [Taps the paper against his hand] Sure, why not?
Tom: Great! We'll show you the cards, and you call out the names when
they appear, OK?
Mike: [Look of determination on his face] Got it! Let's go. I'm ready.
Tom: OK. [Props the cards up against Crow] Here's the first one.
Mike: Horus!
Tom: Good. [Lets the first one drop] And this one?
Mike: Sutekh!
Tom: You're doing fine, Mike! [Drops the second one] This one?
Mike: Ra! [Getting a little cocky now] Come on, guys. Don't you have
anything tougher?
Tom: OK, Mike. What's this one? [Shows the next one]
Mike: [Squinting] Boy, that's a long one. O...wat...an...as...siam.
[Crow begins snickering.]
Tom: You have to say it faster, Mike. Otherwise it doesn't count.
Crow: Yeah, Mike. Faster!
Mike: Owat...an...ass...iam.
Tom & Crow: Faster!
Mike: Owatan...assiam.
Tom: Faster, Mike! You've almost got it!
Mike: Owatanassiam.
[Both Tom and Crow burst out laughing. Mike suddenly realizes what
he just said.]
Mike: [Angry] Owatanassiam. Ha ha! Very funny!
Crow: [Laughing hysterically] It sure was! Ha ha!
Tom: Yeah, Mike! It was hilarious! Come on, laugh a little!
[Mike doesn't say anything. Instead, he looks angry and hurt.]
Crow: [Laughing] Awww. What's the matter, Mike? Did we hurt your
feelings?
Mike: Yes.
Crow: [Laughing less] And did we damage your precious little ego?
Mike: Yes.
[Crow stops laughing]
Crow: I was right? [Looks at Tom] How the heck did I guess that?
Tom: I don't know. [He looks at Mike] C'mon Mike, it was only a joke!
Crow: Sure! We were only tryin' to fun ya!
Tom: Yeah, Mike! You're the relatively new guy on the satellite, and
we were just having a little fun! It's not like we meant to
emotionally scar you!
Crow: Yeah! [Looks at Tom] Well, not permanently, anyway.
Tom: No, not permanently. I mean, we were sure that after a few years
of intensive therapy to recover from the joke, you'd become a
productive member of society again.
Crow: [To Tom] Again?
Tom: [To Crow] Sssh!
[Mike is quiet for a few seconds.]
Mike: [rubbing his eyes] OK, guys. I'm sorry I blew up at you. It's
just that...
Crow: You're insecure as the new guy, and you figure that we've all
got to get along as long as we're trapped together up here.
Mike: [Looking puzzled] Yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking.
Crow: Boy, I'm really starting to scare myself.
[Tom and Crow don't say anything for a few moments.]
Tom: OK, Mike. We're sorry.
Crow: Yeah, Mike. We're sorry. [He looks up at Mike] You have to
admit, though, that it was a good joke.
Tom: Yeah! You've got to give us that, Mike.
Mike: [Thinking it over, begins to chuckle] Yeah, it was good.
[Mike looks at the pieces of paper for a moment, then he writes something
down. Crow and Tom watch him write.]
Crow: What'cha writin', Mike?
[Mike finishes writing]
Mike: I'll show you in a minute. Where's the Inter-spatial Fax?
[He rummages around for a minute, and then pulls out a Fax Machine.]
Mike: Here we go. [He punches in some numbers, and he inserts the paper
into the machine.] Hey Gypsy, can you activate the viewer into
Deep 13?
Gypsy: [Off-screen] Affirmative. [Few seconds silence] There you go,
Mike.
Mike: Thanks, Gypsy. [He puts his arms around Tom and Crow]
Watch this, guys.

[In Deep 13, TV's Clay is working on his Juxtaposition Jumper Cables. Dr.
Frank is standing by the console, eating a Twinkie. A siren goes off, and
lights begin flashing. Frank turns around.]
Frank: Hey, Clay! There's a message coming in on the Fax.
Clay: [Voice muffled] Who's it from, Frank?
Frank: [Reading the sheet] It doesn't say. It just says one thing, over
and over.
Clay: Well, what does it say, Frank?
Frank: [Reading slowly] O...wat...an...as...syouare.
Clay: What?
Frank: Owat...anas...syouare.
[Clay stops working on the machine.]
Clay: [Annoyed] What?!
Frank: [Yelling] O...WAT...AN...ASS...YOU...ARE!
[Clay drops his wrench, and turns to look at Frank. Frank gulps.]
Clay: [Rolling up his sleeves] So I'm an ass, am I, Frank? [He grabs
Frank by the elbow] Well, speaking of asses, guess who's is going
to test my experimental multi-spank machine?
[Frank says nothing, just whimpers.]

[Back on the Satellite of Love.]
Mike: [Laughing] What do you think of that, guys?
Crow: Well, as a joke it wasn't bad, Mike.
Tom: Yeah, Mike. But it lacked the emotional impact a good joke should
have.
Crow: [Nods] Our joke was funny 'cause we like you, Mike. To be perfectly
honest, your joke was just cruel.
Tom: Yeah. Frank just can't defend himself the way you can, no matter
who's body he's in. Watching you pull that joke on him was like
watching someone torture kittens, Mike! [Looks at Mike] You don't
condone torturing kittens, do you?
[Mike begins to say no, but the alarms interrupt him.]
All: Oh no! We got FANFIC SIGN again!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...*]

[They enter, sit, and weep openly.]

>------------------------------------------------
>
>The Myth of Kahentan
>--------------------

Tom: Couldn't we just give this segment a myth?
Crow: What, and myth all the scintillating action?
Mike: You know, a myth is as good as a mile.
[Tom and Crow look at Mike]
Tom: Thank you, Mike. Don't call us, we'll call you.

>Kahentan was the messenger of Harendotes. He joined Harendotes when he
>led his army against his evil uncle Seth. His most important task was
>to run
>ahead of the army and prepare lodging for his lord.
>
>One day, they returned from the great battle triumphantly carrying
>Sutekh with them in chains, Kahentan came upon a small village. He
>banged on the door of the headsman and shouted

Crow: Is your refrigerator running?

>"Let me in, I must prepare lodging for the lord Harendotes."

Tom: As it is my most important task!

>Now the headsman had two sons Roisen and Gil. They were both young
>and strong and he feared that they would be taken to join Harendotes'
>army to avenge the death of his father. Quickly he ordered them into
>the serving quarters and instructed them to dress as wenches.

Mike: Men forced to dress as female servants, on the next Jerry Springer.

>Then he let Kahentan in. Kahentan prepared the lodgings and he took
>good care to see if there were any suitable young men for Harendotes'
>army,

Tom: By checking their oil and kicking their tires.

>but he found none.
>
>When Harendotes arrived for the night Roisen and Gil were among the
>wenches who waited on him.

Crow: They must have stuck out like East German women at the Olympics.
[Mike looks over at Crow]
Tom: Ha! He finally got one by ya, Mike!

>All through the meal Seth sat and sulked at his imprisonment as he had
>many times before.
>
>However Gil noticed that Gernitha, the household maid, was spending a
>great deal of time pouring wine for Seth and waiting upon him.

Mike: That is suspicious! A maid actually doing her job.

>Fearing that malice was afoot Gil found her in the kitchen and took to
>questionning her about Seth. He learned that Seth had cast a spell on
>her so she fell in love with him. Further questioning revealed that
>he had given her a filter of some potion to put in Harendotes' wine.
>
>Gil immediately informed Harendotes who determined that the wine was
>drugged. He was puzzled that a wench should have had the intelligence
>to notice Gerintha's behaviour and the boldness to speak to him on
>such a matter and Roisen and Gill were revealed and executed for
>trying to avoid military service.

Tom: They were young, they were strong, but they weren't very smart.

>However, because of the good deed they had rendered, Harendotes
>forgave their father and continued on his way,

Crow: Oh hey! That makes it all better!

>guarding his uncle ever more carefully. The moral of this story is that
>God's do not have a good sense of humour.

Mike: Right now, neither do we.

>-------------------------------------------------
>
>"You're going to save Victoria, using stories like that?"
>
>"Patience Jamie, every little helps, besides the Nimbi are a
>remarkably whimsical species. You know every culture on the planet
>has a folk hero who won the hand of the princess by singing the rudest
>song whilst making the silliest face.

Tom: So that's why Marilyn Manson's the way he is!

>You can't expect a serious legend from them, anyway we now know
>Kohenten works for Horus."
>
>"We do ?"
>
>"Oh yes, Harendotes,

Mike: ...and Does eat oats.
Crow: ...and little lambs say "bite me"!
[Mike looks at Crow]
Crow: What?!

>is one of Horus' names."
>
>"Oh aye, I recall that now."
>
>"Anyway the databanks have turned up another reference, this one may
>be more informative."
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>The Myth of Kohenten
>--------------------

Mike: Will our mythtery guest please sign in?"
[Tom and Crow look at Mike]
Tom: Good one!
Crow: Not bad.

>For long years Kohentan had travelled the known world with his master
>and in that time he had gathered much strange lore and knowledge. He
>began to experiment with this knowledge and his way was strewn with
>deformed and defective creatures who he had twisted.

Crow: He called them lawyers.

>And everywhere the name of Harmakhis was reviled because of the deeds
>of his servant.
>
>Finally the burden became too great for the people and they choose the
>two finest young men of their generation, Ra and Den, to go before
>Harmakhis and plead with him to desist.

Mike: This should go over real well.

>Ra and Den arrayed themselves in their finest apparel. The gems on
>their robes were sewn so thickly that it was impossible to see the
>material and as they walked the stones clittered together quietly so
>it sounded like the chirruping of far off birds. They were anointed
>with sweet smelling oils so to be near them was like standing in a
>beautiful garden. The walked up to the gates of heaven and
>proclaimed.

Tom: Is this where we sign up for the Liberace look-alike contest?

>"We are Den and Ra, the noblest of the warriors of this world and we
>crave audience with Harmakhis for we would ask a boon."

Crow: Daniel Boone?
[Mike hits Crow's arm]
Crow: Hey!
Mike: Fair's fair.

>Harmakhis looked upon them and found them pleasing to his eye and they
>were admitted. They prostrated themselves before his throne.

Mike: I know prostrated is the right word, but this sentence just
disturbs me.

>"Oh Harmakhis," they said, "we plead with you to desist from using
>your great power upon the people, our bodies are weak and it is too
>great for us.

Tom: For it is a great power.

>It twists our form into such monstrosities that the women weep to see
>them and grown men turn pale with fright at their approach."
>
>Harmakhis frowned for he knew not what they spoke of, and angered at
>the suggestion he smite both young men and killed them. But after he
>had calmed down and thought about things.

Crow: Oh, those wacky gods are at it again!

>He ordered the palace guard out to the villages and towns to see for
>themselves if their was any truth in the words of Ra and Den.
>
>Hearing of this Kohenten fled the palace and was never heard of
>again. Great was the rejoicing among the people when this revealed
>and his treachery made known, for they no longer crouched in terror of
>the gods but praised them as they had before.

Mike: Despite the fact their gods showed homicidal tendencies.

>-----------------------------------------------
>
>"You know-" Sskrantz and Ssturn were examining the TARDIS console
>while the Doctor and Jamie poured over the Data banks, "I could swear
>this is some kind of independent dimensional pocket."

Tom: Eight ball in the dimensional pocket!

>"You're only saying that because he," Sskrantz waved a hand at the
>Doctor, "spouted all that nonsense about relativity and
>transcendence."

Crow: Pouring? Spouting? I think the Doctor's sprung a leak.

>"No, no, it all makes sense, if you look at these controls. This one
>will run the dimensional stabilisers, and this one... "

Mike: Sets the wipers on "intermittent."

Continued in Part 4 of 6...

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