MSTed - "Down the Drain" [1/2]

[Bonnie S Walling]

I've been trying to post this several times without success (my internet
service provider has a rather balky news server). I apologize if this ends
up appearing on the net multiple times.

MSTied ‹ łDown the Drain˛

This is my first time, so please be gentle. (Hmmm, I seem to recall having
said that before. . .) Itąs based on yet another flaming sack of dog
poopie from alt.startrek.creative.

Extra special super fudgy thanks go to Jamas Enright, who read over the
story and offered suggestions and a few extra riffs. Torgo the White has
prepared an extra-special place in Second Banana Heaven for this man.

Well, here goes nothing. . .

[Season 2-5.5 theme song]

(Scene opens on Satellite of Love bridge. Tom Servo and Crow are eating
bowls of cereal).

CROW: Nope, donąt taste any difference.

TOM: Me neither. Itąs like eating two bowls of sugared cardboard.

(Joel enters left and addresses Cambot)

JOEL: Hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. You know, I kinda
got nostalgic for those classic Quaker Oats cereals, Quisp and Quake. So
with a little searching on the Internet, I ‹

CROW: Hey, wait a minute, pink boy! I was the one slaving over a hot modem
for hours while you sat with your feet up watching old łBattlestar
Galactica˛ episodes!

JOEL: I did not. I was right next to you the whole time.

CROW: Looking over my shoulder at the TV!

JOEL: Anyway, WE managed to find a warehouse in Minneapolis which had a
treasure trove of both cereals. So we ordered some.

TOM: And found out it wasnąt worth the effort! Joel, both of these cereals
taste exactly the same ‹ like King Vitamin!

JOEL: What do you mean? Quisp is bright and brilliant, with subtle flavors
of honey, fresh bread, cinnamon, and new-mown hay, while Quake is crisp
and tightly focused, with a hearty center of wheat and malt flavors, and a
whimsical overlay of brown sugar. . .

TOM: (hesitantly) Uh-huh. Yeah. (He and Crow slowly start moving away from
him, as if he were demented. Mads light starts flashing).

JOEL: Uh-oh, Franken Berry and Count Chocula are calling. (Hits button)

[Deep 13]

(Dr. Forrester is fiddling with something that looks like a Walkman with
earmuffs instead of headphones).

DR. F.: Hello, there, Captain Crunch. My invention this week will
revolutionize modern psychiatric science. I came up with it when Frank
started moping around Deep 13 all the time. This, of course, was no fun
for me ‹ how could I mercilessly break his spirit when his spirit was
already broken? So, necessity being the mother of invention, I came up
with this: the Frank Zapper! (Holds it up). Otherwise known as the Sony
Shockman. Simply attach the terminals here to the frontal lobes, push the
button, and. . .instant electroshock therapy! Itąs cheaper than Prozac®,
and wonąt upset your stomach!

(In the background, we see Frank pirouetting around like a demented Nancy
Kerrigan, laughing and singing strings of off-key łLa la la las!˛)

DR. F.: Viva the result! Sure, thereąs some brain damage involved, but
whatąs a few synapses if you can have happy feet!

(Frank pirouettes up to Dr. Forrester, stops suddenly, and says in a
dumb-sounding voice:)

FRANK: I had Jello today. (He resumes his cavorting, then dances back to
Dr. F.) Steve, youąve got to try this!

DR. F.: (nervously) Um, no, thatąs okay, Frank. . .

FRANK: Aw, cąmon! (He grabs the earmuffs, slaps them on Dr. F.ąs head so
the muffs are on his temples, and pushes the button before Dr. F. can get
away. Dr. F. goes into convulsions, then drops to the floor. Suddenly,
Frank isnąt so happy anymore. He looks into the camera, and says in a very
small voice:) Poopie!

[SOL]

(Everyone is looking on in shock)

CROW: Well, guys, I think our lives just got a whole lot easier.

[Deep 13]

(Frank is pacing around frantically, speaking in a stream of gibberish)

FRANK: My God. . .my God. . .what am I gonna do? Heąll kill me. . .doom. .
.disaster. . .floods. . .fire. . . (He shakes Dr. F.) Wake up Steve! Wake
up! MY GOD, YOUąVE NEVER GIVEN UP ON ANYTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE, DONąT
GIVE UP NOW!!! (He drops him, slumps in defeat).

[SOL]

TOM: Oh Frank. . .I think we can help you. (He nudges Joel).

JOEL: Um, yeah, Frank, I think I can figure out an antidote to Dr.
Forresterąs invention.

[Deep 13]

(Frank, who has been sobbing with his head down, looks up hopefully).

FRANK: You can? Tell me!

CROW: Oh, no. We canąt tell you what the antidote is without examining Dr.
Forrester in person. Youąre just going to have to bring us down.

TOM: Just push that łBring Satellite of Love Down˛ button on your little
console. . .

[Deep 13]

FRANK: Okay. (He reaches over to console, pushes button, recoils in
horror). Oh no ‹ I pushed the wrong button! That was the łSend Bad Star
Trek Voyager Fanfic˛ button!

[SOL]

(Buzzers, flashing lights, etc.)

TOM: Bad Star Trek Voyager fanfic?

CROW: I am NOT going into that theater.

JOEL: Donąt worry, guys, this isnąt an official experiment. Thereąs no way
we can have fanfic sign against our will.

(There is a series of zapping noises, and all three jump around in pain).

ALL: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH! WEąVE GOT FANFIC SIGN AGAINST OUR WILL!!!

{G. . .2. . .3. . .4. . .5. . .0}

TOM: Well, that plan really worked.

CROW: Since Dr. Forresterąs not watching, do we *have* to riff on this?

JOEL: If you want to hold on to your sanity, yes. This is Star Trek
fanfic, remember?

>Path:
news1.exit109.com!www.nntp.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!su-news->hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!cpk-news-

TOM: From Planet Hollywood.com.

>hub1.bbnplanet.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!bill.gnatnet.net!usenet
>From: "Susan Thompson" <thom...@gnatnet.net>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

ALL: NOOOOO!

>Subject: NEW:VOY:"Down the Drain"

CROW: Call Roto-Rooter, thatąs the name, and away go fanfics down the drain.

>Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 22:13:31 -0500
>Organization: Compaq
>Lines: 266
>Message-ID: <01bc0a6d.be2a7da0$66c6...@thompson.gnatnet.net>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: dialup02.gnatnet.net
>X-Newsreader: Microsoft Internet News 4.70.1085
>Xref: news1.exit109.com alt.startrek.creative:45968

TOM: X Files: Sunday night on Fox.

>Ha! I think I finally got it!

TOM: Lyme disease?
JOEL: Bubonic plague?
CROW: The clap?

>Special thanks to Beth!

TOM: (sarcastic) Oh thank you so very bloody much, Beth!

>Disclaimer: Paramount is God,

ALL: ALL HAIL PARAMOUNT!
TOM: Tithe half of your money to Paramount!
CROW: Sacrifice your firstborn to Paramount at the church of your choice!

>they own everything to Voyager except for what I add to it. Like the pool.

JOEL: (little kid voice) I added it and you canąt have it! Nyahhh!

> Star Trek: Voyager =/\= : The Happy Face Generation

TOM: Have a nice fanfic!
CROW: No, Tom, there is no such thing as a *nice* fanfic.

> Episode 6: Down the Drain
> By: Sforzie

> Cast O' Characters:

JOEL: Oh, theąre all Irish.

> &:) Janeway
> ":) Chakotay
> $:) Paris
> V:) Kim
> *:) Kes
> #:| Neelix
> ^:) Markos
> >:| Tuvok
> (:| Doc
. }:) Torres

CROW: What the ‹ the characters are all emoticons?

> Scene 1

> The Senior staff is on the holodeck, in a giant swimming pool. Most are
>situated on one end, with Janeway and Chakotay at the other.

> ":) Isn't this relaxing? ~~ Chakotay

TOM: Well, it would be if you didnąt keep stabbing me with your big, ugly
toenails.

> ~&:) Yep ~~ Janeway, goes underwater, then resurfaces, a chain in her
>hands

CROW: (as Chakotay) Yesss! Oh, baby, thatąs what I like!
JOEL: (putting hand on Crowąs shoulder) No, honey, no.

> ":o What did you find? ~~ Chakotay
> ~&:| I'm not sure ~~ Janeway. <Gives chain a yank. There is a popping
noise,

CROW: (as Janeway) Darn these implants!

>and then the water level of the pool begins to go down>

ALL: (Toilet flushing noises)

> $:O Hey! Who pulled the plug? ~~ Paris
> V:O Aaah! ~~ Kim
> }:O Everybody out of the pool! ~~ Torres

TOM: What the hell is it with these emoticons?
JOEL: Maybe the author wanted to add a little more expression to her dialogue
CROW: Dialogue like this needs all the help it can get.

> <but they're too late. Everyone is sucked down the drain..>

ALL: Yaaaayyy!
CROW: Well, that was mercifully short. Letąs go. (They start to leave).

>Scene 2

ALL: Damn! (They go back to their seats)

> <They are all lying on a big, muddy plain. There is nothing to see in
>all directions>

TOM: (singing) Is there anybody OUT THERE?

> ~&:( Uh oh.. ~~ Janeway
> }:O Now look at what you did! ~~ Torres

CROW: Bad dog! You messed up my new rug!

>V:o Where are we? ~~ Kim
> $:O Are we still on the holodeck? ~~ Paris
> ~&:| I dunno, somebody check ~~ Janeway
> ":O Computer, end program ~~ Chakotay

TOM: Yes! Yes! Itąs ending, itąs ending. . .

> <Nothing happens>

ALL: Damn.

> >:| This doesn't look too good ~~ Tuvok

TOM: Youąre telling us. This is like trying to read a third-graderąs
rejected łZoom˛ script.

> ~&:( Damn. I hate getting stuck in the mud in a plain in the middle of
>nowhere! ~~
> Janeway

CROW: (as Janeway) Now Iąm gonna miss łER!˛

> }:O This mud is really gross.. ~~ Torres
> $:P Stinky too ~~ Paris

JOEL: (Vidal Sassoon announcer voice). Now, now, beauty IS discomfort!
Wait till you see how gorgeous you are when you come out of that mud bath!

> V:O So what are we gonna do? ~~ Kim
> }:o Um, lets like, um, look for something. Dammit. ~~ Torres

TOM: . . .Janet, I love you!
CROW: (Deep, gruff voice) I love you too, sweet cheeks.

> &:o For what, exactly? ~~ Janeway (fixes her hair)

CROW: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking hair-fixing scene.
TOM: Whoa! Iąm going to have to have a minute to come down from that one.
What a nerve-wracking bit of action!

> }:| I dunno, you're the captain, you think up something! ~~ Torres
> &:O It was you idea! ~~ Janeway

JOEL: Sheąs speaking Ebonics!

> }:( So? ~~ Torres (Janeway sighs)
> ":O Why don't we look for some sort of civilization? ~~ Chakotay
> <Janeway turns around in a full circle>

ALL: (singing) You do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around, thatąs
what itąs all about!
TOM: (as Janeway) No civilization here, and Iąm including the lot of you.

> &:O Well, I don't exactly see anything at the moment, do you?
> ~~ Janeway
> ":| Hmm, no. ~~ Chakotay
> $:\ I think looking for something usually requires movement of some
>kind ~~ Paris

CROW: Well, swallow some Metamucil!
JOEL: Youąre looking at a time-out, Crow. . .

> V:( He has a point ~~ Kim

TOM: And itąs on top of his head.

> &:@ Shut up, both of you! ~~ Janeway
> }:o Why don't we go that way ~~ Torres, points in any old direction

TOM: Nope, theyąre too afraid to take a new direction, they have to follow
any old direction. . .

> ":| Why? ~~ Chakotay
> }:O Do you have any better suggestions? ~~ Torres
> >:| I'm not going to lower myself to including myself in this idiotic
conversation. ~~
> Tuvok

CROW: You already did.

> V:o You already did. ~~ Kim

CROW: DąOH!

> >;O Doh! ~~ Tuvok, who gives Kim a good thrashing

CROW: And Iąm about to give this writer a good thrashing.

> &:O Boys, will you please behave!? ~~ Janeway
> $:o I agree with B'Elanna's suggestion ~~ Paris

TOM: The Judgement of Paris, ladies and gentlemen.

> &:@ I don't care who you all agree with, we're going this way! ~~
>Janeway, points in the
> same
> direction that Torres pointed in.
> ":) Let's get moving then ~~ Chakotay

CROW: (as Arsenio Hall) Letąs get busy!
(Tom and Joel make woofing noises, Joel pumps his fist in the air)

[continued in part 2]

--
"Stock footage is hell!"--Crow T. Robot, MST3K ("Amazing Colossal Man")