Cancel Messages: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) + Posting Note
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NetNews Judges [TM]
rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, rec.arts.tv.mst3k, alt.tv.mst3k.
========================================================
Cancel Messages: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ). Ver. 2.3.2.1
---------------------------------------------------------
Summary:
You can protect your reputation as a information source by
cancelling articles posted under your name as soon as you
discover that they are erroneous.
Cancelling other's articles, however, can expose you,
your site, and the Net as a whole, to serious threats. The
sender should be notified when articles need to be cancelled.
Complaints can be directed to the Judges' List, however,
they will only be considered if the protocol herein is
followed. Confidential dispute resolution is offered under
preconditions described in the Judges-L Frequently Asked
Questions List.
---------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1994, 1995 Judges-L Registrar.
Copies US$256. Permission required: Discounts available.
List of Frequently Asked Questions
*** Purpose of this document
1) What are cancel messages?
2) How have cancel messages been used?
3) When should I issue a cancel message?
4) When should I not issue a cancel message?
5) What should I do when in doubt about whether a
cancel is appropriate?
6) What should I do if I receive a request to
cancel one of my own messages?
7) How can I request that a message be cancelled
when I can not do so myself?
8) What should I do if I suspect one of my
posts has been improperly cancelled?
9) Why should I follow these guidelines?
10) How can I find out more about the NetNews Judges' List?
*** Cancellation request form
*** Contributors to this FAQ List
*** Trademarks, etc.
---------------------------------------------------------
*** Purpose of this document
This FAQ list serves as an introduction to cancel messages.
More advanced information is presented in the document
"Administration of Cancel Messages", which is directed to
News system administrators. The objectives and operational
procedures of Judges' List are specified and explained in the
Judges-L FAQ, also available as a Welcome message for new
subscribers to the List.
1) What are cancel messages?
Cancel messages are special USENET messages from a class
known as "Control" messages. Control messages don't result
in postings for people to read. Instead, they give
instructions to the USENET server software at each site that
gets the message. A cancel message is a control message that
indicates that a particular message (named through its unique
Message-ID) should be deleted.
2) How have cancel messages been used?
Most commonly they are used when a person posts something
they want to delete, correct, or retract. One can cancel an
old message and optionally issue a new one. (There is a
better way to cancel and re-issue called superseding, but
most user programs do not support it.)
Cancels are sometimes used by moderators of moderated
newsgroups to delete messages that should not have been
posted.
3) When should I issue a cancel message?
You should issue a cancel message if it becomes necessary to
delete, correct, or retract one of your own posts.
You can issue a cancel message to delete a forgery: A message
posted by someone else, that appears to be from you. A
forgery can often be cancelled by you as if it were your own
article. Such cancels should be reported to the Judges' List
(see below).
Some victims of forgeries don't cancel them, but consider it
sufficient to post disclaimers to the affected newsgroups
alerting everyone to the forgery. This is wise, in any case,
since the forged message is likely to be seen by many people,
even if it is cancelled.
The newsreaders rn, nn, and trn use "C" as the cancel
command. In Rusnews type ":cancel" while reading the message
to be deleted.
4) When should I not issue a cancel message?
It is not appropriate to cancel an article posted by someone
else. However, a forgery is an exception.
A low-tech form of "forgery" is to insert fabricated quotes
in an article. Such posts should be followed-up with a
correction and the poster notified.
Misattribution of quotations, as opposed to fabrication, is
often a result of inferior news-reading software. Such posts
can be followed-up with a correction and the poster should be
notified.
It is inappropriate to cancel someone else's writing simply
because you find the opinions expressed offensive. You can,
however, ask the author to cancel the offensive post. Your
news-reading software should permit you to enter the names of
offensive posters in a "kill" file. Then, you will not see
articles from that person in the future. Ask your
administrator to upgrade your software if your news-reading
software does not have this capability.
The poster should be asked to cancel a chain letter or a
libelous article, or any other post, such as an advertisement
or pyramid scheme, that has inappropriate content. A copy of
the request should be directed to the postmaster at the
originating site, if the content is unlawful.
5) What should I do when in doubt about whether a cancel
is appropriate?
Unless you are certain the poster is acting in bad faith, you
should explain to the poster why you object to the post and
ask that it be deleted. State that you are considering
submitting a complaint to the Judges' List and explain how
one can participate in the dispute-resolution process (see
below). You may explain how the offending post, or a post
that accomplishes the same objective, can be broadcast. One
source of information is a list of Frequently Asked
Questions, "How to find the right place to post (FAQ)" in the
newsgroup "news.newusers.questions".
If the post comes from your site, contact your postmaster or
News administrator for an opinion about whether the article
violates the site's usage agreement.
Complaints can be directed to the Judges' List if they
include, whenever possible, a:
:complete copy of the offending post.
:complete copy of your letter to the poster, requesting
that the post be cancelled.
: complete copy of any reply from the poster or a News
administrator (only if permission to forward is not refused).
The complaint must have a subject line that starts with the
characters "COMPLAINT: ", followed by the subject of the
offending post.
If you receive additional information after submitting a
complaint or wish to withdraw the complaint, the same subject
line should be used.
Mail the complaint to JUDG...@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu or
JUDG...@UBVM.BITNET.
If you wish to participate in the discussion of the
complaint, email to LIST...@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu or
LIST...@UBVM.BITNET with only the command:
SUB JUDGES-L <your-name-here>
in the message body. Replace the <your-name-here>, with your
first and last name, in the above command.
Before making comments on the List, please wait for someone
to respond to your complaint. If there is no response within
a week, it is most likely that you did not file a
satisfactory complaint (see above). If you find no error in
your complaint and the problem still has not been resolved,
send an additional message asking for help.
6) What should I do if I receive a request to cancel one
of my own messages?
If you do not agree that the request is valid, reply to the
request with your reasons for not cancelling. If the request
does not mention the Judges' List, refer to this FAQ and ask
that you be notified if a complaint is submitted.
7) How can I request that a message be cancelled when I
can not do so myself?
If your software does not permit cancellation, or you are not
confident in using it, ask your administrator to issue a
cancel message for you.
8) What should I do if I suspect one of my posts has been
improperly cancelled?
If you suspect that your post has been improperly cancelled,
contact your News administrator to rule out the possibility
of a technical failure. If there has been an improper cancel,
complete documentation should be directed to the Judges'
List. Follow the procedures for submitting a complaint, but
replace the characters "COMPLAINT: " with "CANCEL: ".
9) Why should I follow these guidelines?
If you do not cancel erroneous articles that you have posted,
you waste readers' time and damage your own reputation as a
reliable source. Consider an article posted to a typical
newsgroup with 36,000 readers, a post that takes an average
of 1 second for each reader to deal with (i. e., examining
the subject line) uses a total of ten man-hours (36,000
seconds / 3,600 seconds/hour = 10 hours). If the article uses
up an average of four seconds, then the total time
expenditure is 40 hours, the equivalent of a work-week. This
is probably the minimum time expenditure on any article that
is even selected for scanning. Thus, a few minutes spent
cancelling an article can save a lot of time for readers.
Groups with a lot of erroneous articles tend to lose readers,
and articles posted to those groups reach a limited audience.
By cancelling erroneous posts, you also reduce the risk that
your name will be entered in numerous kill files, thus
limiting the audience you can reach with your posts. Posting
of apologies for faulty articles, such as those with an empty
body, is to be avoided, since this wastes even more time of
the reader, without supplying useful information.
If you abuse the cancel facility, by cancelling other's
articles, you force people to take defensive actions. Many
administrators have disabled cancels, because they have been
abused. The disabling of cancels means that you will not be
able to delete all copies of your own posts. Therefore, if
you cancel an erroneous article and then post a corrected
one, readers at certain sites will first see the erroneous
one and then the corrected one. They may think that the
corrected one is a duplicate and not read it. This situation
is obviously of no benefit to posters or readers. If your
site's administrator has disabled cancels, it is wise for you
to notify your administrator when you issue a cancel, so at
least it can be deleted at your site.
Disabling of cancels does not prevent a cancel from working
at all, since the cancel message can delete the cancelled
article before it gets to a site where cancels are disabled.
Therefore, a cancel will be most effective if it is issued
immediately after the target article is posted. In some
cases, robot posters have been used to immediately repost
articles that have been cancelled. This can rapidly lead to a
newsgroup being overloaded at a site where the cancel
facility has been disabled. This type of conflict situation
should be avoided, since it makes the newsgroup unusable for
most readers. Cancel messages must be used with extreme care.
If you cancel articles based upon their content, you expose
your site to a legal risk, since it can then be argued that
you are taking responsibility for all articles' content, some
of which may violate copyright or pornography laws, for
example. Originating sites already are exposed to this risk,
therefore, they should be allowed to cancel such posts. They
should also have a user agreement that permits them to
discipline a user, thus ensuring that repeated postings of
this type do not occur, and thereby reducing the legal risk
at all News sites.
This is not a hypothetical risk. Many sites have been closed
down, had their equipment seized, and their operators
prosecuted, and in some cases jailed. The effectiveness of a
common-carrier or "bookstore" type of defense has yet to be
established (But see Mike Godwin <mnem...@eff.org>. INTERNET
LIBEL: IS THE PROVIDER RESPONSIBLE? Internet World, Nov./Dec.
1993) [URL: ftp://ftp.eff.org/pub/CAF/lawlibel_1.IW]. The use
of non-originating site cancels, to control content of
articles, reduces the chances that such a defense can ever be
established. This could make the risk of operating a News
site unacceptable. Some sites have already been prohibited
from operating moderated newsgroups or mailing lists by their
legal counsel, because of the legal risk associated with
assuming responsibility for content of distributed messages.
The damage to USENET caused by the most extreme case of
abusive posting was much less than that caused by external
threats, even when those threats did not directly result in
disruption of a News site. Therefore, in doubtful cases,
cancel messages should not be issued. Notification of
authorities external to the Net should be avoided. Contacts
to the Press should be left to those who have been trained in
public relations or have equivalent experience.
In order to minimize legal liability, you should in, first
instance, try to stop abusive posting at the source. By
objecting directly to a poster of offensive material and
making the person aware of this FAQ, you reduce the chances
of repeated abuse.
In the case, that a poster refuses to comply with a request
to cancel an article and you refer the matter to the Judges'
List, the conflict can be resolved in a way which benefits
the Net in the long term, and reduces the risk that you will
be subject to retaliation, for example, by having your posts
improperly cancelled. Complaints to the Judges' List also
permits a database of repeat abusers to be built up, with
much more effective resolution of such cases then becoming
possible.
10) How can I find out more about the NetNews Judges' List?
The Judges-L Frequently Asked Questions List contains
complete information about the List. It includes the rules
that govern processing of complaints, the procedures for
creating consensus documents, such as this one, information
on how to change the rules, etc. It is available in the
Judges-L public archive and posted monthly to
news.admin.misc, etc. Private archives, which
contain all messages sent to the List, are available to List
subscribers. Subscription is open to persons who submit a
correctly completed Judge-L Registration Form, which is
included in the Judges-L FAQ.
Background information on the List is available in these
articles:
Arthur, C. (1 Oct. 1994).
Internet posse will run junk e-mail out of town.
New Scientist, vol. 143, num. 1945, p. 6.
McKinney, E. (Dec. 1994)
The matrix vs. spam.
Matrix News, 4(12), pp. 6-7.
Stodolsky, D. (25 Feb 95).
Re: JUDGES-L (da Silva, RISKS-16.83 on Stodolsky, RISKS-
16.82). RISKS DIGEST 16(85).
http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/16.85.html
*** Cancellation request form
Sample reply to a poster requesting cancellation or
explanation (not usable in cases where only the opinions
expressed are offensive):
---------------------------------------------------------------
I object to your post, because ....
Please cancel this post and notify me that you have done so,
or explain why you will not delete the post. Please note that
any reply may be forwarded to the JUDGES-L list, unless
explicit objection is given.
If I get no response, I will submit a complaint to the
Judges' List.
If you wish to participate in the discussion of the complaint
on that List, email to LIST...@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu or
LIST...@UBVM.BITNET with only the command:
SUB JUDGES-L <your-name-here>
in the message body. Replace the <your-name-here>, with your
first and last name, in the above command.
---------------------------------------------------------------
*** Contributors to this FAQ include:
Bob MacDowell <bob...@NETCOM.COM>
David Stodolsky <da...@arch.ping.dk>
Dimitri Vulis <d...@dm.com>
*** Trademarks, etc.
Judges-L, judges, Judges' List, net.judges, NetNews Judges,
NetNews Judges List, NetNews Judges' List are trademarks of
the Judges-L Registrar. They may also function as service
marks, certification marks, collective marks, etc.
These marks should not be used in any situation whatsoever
where there is a likelihood of confusion. For example, use of
the name "judges" or "Judges-L" as the sender of a message or
as a signature would be an infringement.
=======================================================
David S. Stodolsky, Euromath Center, University of Copenhagen
Universitetsparken 5, DK-2100 Copenhagen, Denmark. da...@euromath.dk
da...@arch.ping.dk. Tel.: +45 38 33 03 30. Fax: +45 38 33 88 80. (C)
Scott Southwick
NetNews Judges [TM] <jud...@arch.ping.dk> wrote:
>Additional newsgroups per request:
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, rec.arts.tv.mst3k, alt.tv.mst3k.
"Hi, David? This is the mst3k 'Please Post Crap' committee..."
>Unless you are certain the poster is acting in bad faith, you
>should explain to the poster why you object to the post and
>ask that it be deleted. State that you are considering
>submitting a complaint to the Judges' List and
be sure and mention that the "Judges" is considered a joke by
absolutely everybody with a fully-functioning newsreader.
yrs,
Scotty
---
news.admin.net-abuse FAQ:
http://www-sc.ucssc.indiana.edu/~scotty/acena.html
Petrea Mitchell
: Additional newsgroups per request:
: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, rec.arts.tv.mst3k, alt.tv.mst3k.
This was the result of a misunderstanding. Please don't flame the
guy for it (heaven knows there are plenty of other reasons to flame him).
--
/ <|> <|> <pr...@mvp.com> <pr...@gm.dev.com>
Petrea Mitchell <pem...@is.nyu.edu>
Geek Code 2.1 with small hack: GO/CS d?(-) H+++ s:++ g+ p? !au !a w+++
v+(-)?* C++ UB++++ (UB+, U) P+ L- 3+ E--- N+++ K+++ !W M- V-- -po+ Y+ t--@
5++ jx MST+++ R+ G+ tv@ b+++ !D B- e+ u**(*)(+) h* f* !n z?
*** Push the button... someone. :~( ***
Tim Skirvin
>Additional newsgroups per request:
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, rec.arts.tv.mst3k, alt.tv.mst3k.
How 'bout alt.test and misc.test, too?
Oh, and misc.activism.militia.
- Tim Skirvin (tski...@uiuc.edu)
Todd Gilbert
Mitchell) wrote:
> This was the result of a misunderstanding. Please don't flame the
> guy for it (heaven knows there are plenty of other reasons to flame him).
The scary thing about this is I saw this thing in every newsgroup
I read religiously. So I pulled the header to see if it was
crossposted to hundreds of groups or possible spam.
It was crossposted to 8 newsgroups. Every single one of which
I read religiously.
Todd (is this guy my evil twin or what?) Gilbert
--
tgil...@salsa.abq.bdm.com The owls are not what they seem
<I speak for the only person I can speak for>
o/~ "Ignorance and prejudice and fear walk hand in hand"
"Somebody check my ratings. I seem to have a viewing audience of 2."
Max Headroom
Petrea Mitchell
the Cancel FAQ; it will not be put in the MSTings archive. Opinions ex-
pressed herein are not necessarily those of any or all of the authors.
It was written for entertainment purposes only. Honest.
************************************************************************
[SoL bridge. Servo is "standing" behind a miniature podium that has been
set up on the counter, facing the other side of the bridge, and is hold-
ing a gavel. Joel (sitting down), Gypsy, and Crow are all facing him.]
JOEL: [to Cambot] Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Since
our family meetings have been kind of chaotic lately, Tom's going
to run this one with some rules of order he's worked out.
SERVO: Hear ye, hear ye! The Satellite of Love Weekly Commerce, Busi-
ness, and Jurisprudence Meeting will come to order! Uh, Joel,
could you bang the gavel for me? [Joel takes Servo's arm and
whacks the gavel against the podium a couple times] Thanks. Now,
will the secretary please read the agenda?
[The others look at each other confusedly.]
CROW: Tom, we don't have a secretary.
SERVO: Well, could somebody introduce a motion to appoint somebody se-
cretary?
[pause]
SERVO: <exasperated sigh> Criminy, I'll do it. Now someone needs to se-
cond the motion.
[another pause]
GYPSY: Um...
SERVO: *Thank* you, Gypsy.
GYPSY: But I just wanted to...
SERVO: All right, would all in favor please raise their hands?
[yet another pause]
SERVO: Uh-huh. Okay, all opposed?
[Again, nothing.]
SERVO: Could somebody please vote one way or the other?!
CROW: Joel, you're the only one who can raise your hands. C'mon, vote!
JOEL: Well, I don't really care one way or the other.
SERVO: Look, we'll just table the discussion, okay? [clears throat and
assumes a more dignatorial voice] Let it be so recorded in the
minutes.
CROW: We don't have a secretary, Tom.
SERVO: [defeated] Oh, forget it. Just forget it.
[The commercial light flashes and Joel hits it.]
JOEL: [to Cambot] We'll be right back.
SERVO: Hey! Out of order!
[Everyone starts talking simultaneously over the commercial bumper. The
only thing that can be heard distinctly is Crow shouting, "Will the gen-
tleman yield??" near the end.]
[Commercial. What the hell *is* Zantac, anyway? Pep?]
[SoL]
CROW: I'd like to introduce a motion to replace the chairman's gavel
with a conch...
[The Mads light flashes.]
JOEL: No time now, Robert's Rules are calling.
[Deep 13, with Forrester and Frank both present.]
DR. F: Greetings, my little red-tape-gathering friends! My invention
this week is a remote for real control freaks. [He brandishes a
lime green, but otherwise ordinary-looking, remote control.] Say
you've got guests coming, but your place is a mess. [to Frank]
Oh, Frank, I'm having Vera Wallace over for tea this afternoon.
Could you be a dear and pick up the place?
FRANK: No! You never let *me* have friends over.
DR. F: [to camera] Here's a perfect chance to use the handy channel-
changing feature.
[He aims the remote at Frank and pushes a button. The remote makes a
<twirp> noise and Frank's expression changes to a cheerful smile.]
FRANK: Sure, Steve, I'd love to help! But I'll never be able to clean
all this up in time.
DR. F: Well, don't you worry, Frank. With the push of a button, I'll
fast-forward you, and you'll be done before I know it.
[Forrester aims and pushes a button again. Frank is suddenly moving at
ten times his normal speed. He starts straightening things, but then
sits down and appears to be drinking a beer. Forrester looks infuriated
and stabs at the "play" button.]
DR. F: Frank, what are you doing??
FRANK: Well, since I have all this time now, I thought I'd take it slow.
DR. F: I'll deal with you later.
[He hits another button and Frank freezes. Then Forrester turns back to
the camera.]
DR. F: It also features rewind, so you can find out who set up the VCR
to record "Baywatch Nights" over your tape of "The Maxx", and a
mute button for when someone wants to tell you those uncomfortab-
le truths you'd rather not hear. Your turn, booby.
[SoL. Resting on the counter is something that looks a lot like the Car-
tuner after having been visited by the Calligraphy Fairy.]
CROW: Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll make us enjoy this week's experi-
ment.
JOEL: I wouldn't bet on it. Well, sirs, you may have heard about those
word processing programs that let you write like Shakespeare or
Milton or whoever you want. But I've come up with a more general
way to deal with lousy writing. For example, take any book by
Diane Mott Davison [he picks up a hardcover copy of _Catering to
Nobody_ and drops it into the machine] put it in here, turn the
crank and...
[Joel turns the crank and a different book drops out of the machine.]
SERVO: ...out comes _Who is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?_ by Nam
and Ivan Lyons.
[Joel moves the new book out of the way, then picks up four or five pa-
perback books and dumps them in.]
CROW: Or take the collected works of Jane Fancher...
[Joel turns the crank and more books fall out.]
JOEL: ...and you get the Chanur series by C.J. Cherryh!
SERVO: It works on other media, too. Put in, say, any episode of "Terra
X"...
[Joel tosses a VHS cassette into the machine and turns the crank.]
CROW: ...and out comes an episode of "Connections^2"!
JOEL: Right, and if you put that back in... [he does so] ...it comes out
on Beta. [He takes the Beta cassette that falls out of the machine
and holds it up.]
SERVO: Oh, no *way*!
CROW: Just whose standard of excellence does *that* follow??
JOEL: What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. In the back, Frank is running back and forth in fast-forward
mode, being pursued by some diabolical piece of machinery.]
DR. F: If your invention's so goody-goody, why haven't you got a witty
name for it, hmmm? Well, speaking of remote control freaks, to-
day's experiment is the manifesto of yet another self-appointed
ruler of USENET, this time in Denmark. And you'd better sit
through the whole thing, boobies, or I'll be forced to forge the
headers when I post the results of this experiment and let him
deal with you directly. Feel the burn!
[SoL. The usual alarms and lights are going off as Joel aims the inven-
tion exchange forward.]
JOEL: [shouting over the alarms] All right, brace yourselves!
[He starts turning the machine's crank. There's an explosion, and when
the smoke clears, the machine is gone.]
CROW: What happened?
JOEL: It must have been too horrible! Run for the theater!
G...6...5...4...3...2...o...
>
> Path: cmcl2!panix!news.mathworks.com!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!
> Germany.EU.net!EU.net!dkuug!
JOEL: Oh wow, Danish comic book sound effects.
SERVO: Wham! Biff! Dkuug!
> dkuug!ic.dk!arch!judges
> From: jud...@arch.ping.dk (NetNews Judges [TM])
CROW: I'm Doug Llywellyn, and this is.. the UseNet Court!
JOEL: I wonder if Mr. Judges is any relation to Mike Judge.
> Newsgroups: news.admin.policy,news.admin.net-abuse.misc,
SERVO: I get it--it's like Emily Postnews, an example of what *not* to
do.
> rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,rec.arts.tv.mst3k,alt.tv.mst3k
CROW: Uh, Joel, do these newsgroups have *anything* in common?
> Subject: Cancel Messages: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) + Posting
> Note
JOEL: Stick Posting Notes around the house to remind you of those impor-
tant messages.
> Date: Tue, 13 Jun 95 15:07:44 +0200 (CET DST)
> Organization: University of Copenhagen
SERVO: [singing] Chew...Copenhagen, drive them pretty girls wild...
CROW: Denmark? So it should be "Mr. Yoodges".
["Mr. Judges" is pronounced this way for the rest of the experiment.]
> Message-ID: <0105010...@arch.ping.dk>
> Reply-To: jud...@arch.ping.dk (NetNews Judges [TM])
SERVO: A trademarked e-mail address. Ha. Right.
JOEL: Well, at least they aren't laying claim to the whole Bible.
> X-Mailer: uAccess - Macintosh Release: 1.6v2
CROW: A megalomaniacal Dane with a Macintosh? *Now* I'm scared.
> Lines: 439
> Xref: cmcl2 news.admin.policy:32177 news.admin.net-abuse.misc:5143
> rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:1665 rec.arts.tv.mst3k:40362 alt.tv.mst3k:46835
>
> Additional newsgroups per request:
> rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, rec.arts.tv.mst3k, alt.tv.mst3k.
JOEL: [wimpy voice] Might as well just send it right to 'em.
> ================
SERVO: DUCK!
[All duck.]
> ========================================
CROW: Ha, missed me!
JOEL: Well, keep your guard up-- there'll probably be more.
>
>
> Cancel Messages: Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ). Ver. 2.3.2.
SERVO: First question: how do I cancel *this* hunk o' junk?
>
>
> ----
[all duck again]
> -----------------------------------------------------
>
> Summary:
CROW: Ah, they tell you all about it right away, so you don't have to
read the rest.
>
> You can protect your reputation as a information source by
> cancelling articles posted under your name as soon as you
> discover that they are erroneous.
JOEL: After all, no one will believe you if you just say the articles
are faked, and no one has the sense to check the header.
> Cancelling other's articles, however, can expose you,
SERVO: And God knows Denmark could use some livening up.
> your site, and the Net as a whole, to serious threats.
JOEL: The Net is a hole?
CROW: The squab is in the whole?
> The
> sender should be notified when articles need to be cancelled.
SERVO: In other words, shut up and let me pontificate.
>
> Complaints can be directed to the Judges' List,
CROW: [redneck voice] Ya just go down the road an' turn right at the
Jiffy Lube.
> however,
> they will only be considered if the protocol herein is
> followed.
SERVO: In other words, I don't care what you think.
> Confidential dispute resolution is offered
JOEL: Upstairs in my bedroom.
> under
> preconditions described in the Judges-L Frequently Asked
> Questions List.
CROW: Forms must be filled out in triplicate, signed by your root user,
folded, spindled, mutilated...
JOEL: No, I think that's the Army.
>
CROW: ...sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public
inquiry...
> ------
CROW: ...lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months
and recycled as AAAH here it comes again!
> ---------------------------------------------------
SERVO: Ha! Missed again!
CROW: Geez, something must really have gotten into Dr. Forrester this
week.
> Copyright 1994, 1995 Judges-L Registrar.
> Copies US$256.
JOEL: That "save article" command is getting mighty costly.
> Permission required: Discounts available.
SERVO: This FAQ is sold in stores for $256, but through this TV offer
can now be yours for only $19.95!
>
> List of Frequently Asked Questions
CROW: 1. How can we eat? 2. *Why* do we eat? 3. Where shall we have
lunch?
JOEL: Careful, Crow, or we're going to have to start paying royalties to
Douglas Adams.
SERVO: No answers. Just questions. If you want answers, go to rec.humor.
oracle.
>
>
> *** Purpose of this document
JOEL: To serve as a vehicle for the Asterisk Promotion Board?
>
> 1) What are cancel messages?
CROW: Daddy, what's Vietnam?
JOEL: They're those funny sentences your girlfriend keeps giving you
when you want to go out.
> 2) How have cancel messages been used?
SERVO: [old lady voice] Ooh, with a little bit of needlework they can
make lovely doilies.
> 3) When should I issue
ALL: Gesundheit.
> a cancel message?
>
> 4) When should I not issue a cancel message?
CROW: Uh, when you don't want to cancel something?
SERVO: Wrong, you clueless, know-nothing luser! You are not fit to gro-
vel before Judges-L!
>
> 5) What should I do when in doubt
JOEL: Run in circles, scream and shout.
> about whether a
> cancel is appropriate?
CROW: Nuke it! Woo-hoo!
SERVO: Yeah! Flame!
>
> 6) What should I do if I receive a request to
> cancel one of my own messages?
CROW: Tell them to go suck eggs?
>
> 7) How can I request that a message be cancelled
> when I can not do so myself?
JOEL: The ethical dilemma!
SERVO: I wonder what Kant would say about all this.
> 8) What should I do if I suspect one of my
> posts has been improperly cancelled?
JOEL: Immediately accuse your favorite villain in public!
>
> 9) Why should I follow these guidelines?
SERVO: [Miss Utility voice] It's the lawwwww.
CROW: Because if you don't, we'll kill you.
> 10) How can I find out more about the NetNews Judges' List?
JOEL: Write to Pueblo, Colorado, for your free pamphlet!
> *** Cancellation request form
SERVO: Dear ABC, please cancel My So-Called Life, as it makes Full House
look bad...
> *** Contributors to this FAQ List
CROW: Will have their names inscribed on a handsome plaque suitable for
framing.
> *** Trademarks, etc.
[All giggle.]
>
> ----
SERVO: Not again... [all duck]
> -----------------------------------------------------
>
JOEL: I think these are the slings and arrows of outrageous writing.
>
>
> *** Purpose of this document
SERVO: To cause extreme agony in whoever reads it.
>
> This FAQ list serves as an introduction to cancel messages.
CROW: Cancel messages, meet the Net. Net, you know cancel messages.
> More advanced information is presented in the document
> "Administration of Cancel Messages", which is directed to
> News system administrators.
JOEL: And all you lovely phreaks on alt.2600.
> The objectives and operational
> procedures of Judges' List are specified and explained in the
> Judges-L FAQ, also available as a Welcome message for new
> subscribers to the List.
SERVO: First rule of FAQ writing: Never, *ever* give any information at
all, just point your readers to other documents all over the
place.
>
>
>
> 1) What are cancel messages?
>
> Cancel messages are special USENET messages from a class
> known as "Control" messages.
CROW: Which of course set out to stop "Kaos" messages.
JOEL: Don't confuse them with "Major Tom" messages.
SERVO: We control the horizontal... WE control the vertical. Don't touch
that keyboard...
> Control messages don't result
> in postings for people to read.
CROW: They result in postings for people to delete!
SERVO: Yeah, like this one.
> Instead, they give
> instructions to the USENET server software at each site that
> gets the message.
JOEL: Get the picture?
'BOTS: Yes, we see.
> A cancel message is a control message that
> indicates that a particular message
CROW: Somebody get this man a thesaurus!
> (named through its unique
> Message-ID) should be deleted.
SERVO: By the Message-EGO and the Message-SUPEREGO.
> 2) How have cancel messages been used?
JOEL: [Sally Struthers voice] All over the world, cancel messages are
being used. Help me help them...
>
> Most commonly they are used when a person posts something
SERVO: That's it, pretty much.
> they want to delete, correct, or retract. One can cancel an
> old message and optionally issue a new one.
JOEL: Or one can print it in the next issue in a very small box.
> (There is a
> better way to cancel and re-issue called superseding, but
> most user programs do not support it.)
CROW: Did I mention I'm superior? Good.
>
> Cancels are sometimes used by moderators of moderated
> newsgroups to delete messages that should not have been
> posted.
[All gasp in horror.]
SERVO: Message-killers! Message-killers!
CROW: Yeah, cancelling stops a beating post, y'know!
JOEL: Who are you to play God with binary life!
>
>
> 3) When should I issue a cancel message?
SERVO: Whenever the mood strikes you.
> You should issue a cancel message if it becomes necessary to
> delete, correct, or retract one of your own posts.
CROW: In short, to cover your rear.
JOEL: But if every incorrect article were deleted, USENET would go back
under a megabyte a day.
>
> You can issue a cancel message to delete a forgery: A message
> posted by someone else, that appears to be from you. A
> forgery can often be cancelled by you as if it were your own
> article.
CROW: Ewww! Tell Mr. Judges to put his article away.
> Such cancels should be reported to the Judges' List
> (see below).
>
> Some victims of forgeries don't cancel them, but consider it
> sufficient to post disclaimers to the affected newsgroups
> alerting everyone to the forgery.
SERVO: Yup, create spam about your little private battle even as you re-
move it.
> This is wise, in any case,
> since the forged message is likely to be seen by many people,
> even if it is cancelled.
CROW: Honest, I didn't write that! It was... Timmy! Yeah, Timmy!
>
> The newsreaders rn, nn, and trn use "C" as the cancel
> command. In Rusnews type ":cancel" while reading the message
> to be deleted.
JOEL: If you're using TIN, or Trumpet, or anything else--you can't do a
thing, sorry.
>
>
>
>
CROW: This bit must be in invisible ink.
> 4) When should I not issue a cancel message?
>
> It is not appropriate to cancel an article posted by someone
> else. However, a forgery is an exception.
>
> A low-tech form of "forgery" is to insert fabricated quotes
SERVO: This quote fabricated in Taiwan.
> in an article. Such posts
CROW: ...are generally made by people with low-tech brainpower.
> should be followed-up with a
> correction and the poster notified.
JOEL: Uh, wouldn't the poster already know?
>
> Misattribution of quotations, as opposed to fabrication, is
> often a result of inferior news-reading software.
CROW: *This* in an article with an X-Mailer header.
> Such posts
> can be followed-up with a correction and the poster should be
> notified.
>
> It is inappropriate to cancel someone else's writing simply
> because you find the opinions expressed offensive.
SERVO: Unless, of course, it offends ME.
> You can,
> however, ask the author to cancel the offensive post.
ALL: Good luck!!
> Your
> news-reading software should permit you to enter the names of
> offensive posters in a "kill" file.
CROW: While those really offensive posters can be placed in the "tor-
ture, then kill" file.
> Then, you will not see
> articles from that person in the future. Ask your
> administrator to upgrade your software if your news-reading
> software does not have this capability.
JOEL: Oh, this whole post is an infomercial for some new newsreader.
>
> The poster should be asked to cancel a chain letter or a
> libelous article, or any other post, such as an advertisement
> or pyramid scheme,
CROW: ...or incredibly obvious answers to incredibly simple questions...
> that has inappropriate content. A copy of
> the request should be directed to the postmaster at the
> originating site, if the content is unlawful.
SERVO: ...thereby compounding the offense.
>
>
>
> 5) What should I do when in doubt about whether a cancel
> is appropriate?
JOEL: Turn to booze for a creative answer.
>
> Unless you are certain the poster is acting in bad faith,
CROW: Or the Rocky Horror Show.
SERVO: Bad faith? Huh?
JOEL: You know, the Twinkie defense.
SERVO: Oh.
> you
> should explain to the poster why you object to the post and
> ask that it be deleted.
SERVO: Oh, and make sure you've already put your NOMEX underwear on.
> State that you are considering
> submitting a complaint to the Judges' List and explain how
> one can participate in the dispute-resolution process (see
> below).
CROW: Remember, just because they offended you doesn't mean you should-
n't give them a good laugh.
> You may explain how the offending post, or a post
> that accomplishes the same objective, can be broadcast. One
> source of information is a list of Frequently Asked
> Questions, "How to find the right place to post (FAQ)" in the
> newsgroup "news.newusers.questions".
SERVO: Better yet, point them towards news.announce.newusers and insult
them at full throttle.
>
> If the post comes from your site, contact your postmaster or
> News administrator for an opinion about whether the article
> violates the site's usage agreement.
JOEL: And if it does... fry 'em.
CROW: If the post comes from your account, you're in deep kimchee, of
course.
>
> Complaints can be directed to the Judges' List if they
> include, whenever possible, a:
JOEL: Self-adressed, stamped Net.Envelope, US$1,000 in Italian Lire, and
a shrubbery.
> :complete copy of the offending post.
>
> :complete copy of your letter to the poster, requesting
> that the post be cancelled.
SERVO: No, wait, lemme guess-- a complete copy?
>
> : complete copy
SERVO: Ha! I knew it.
CROW: Right, they want you to copy and spam everything *except* this FAQ.
> of any reply from the poster
SERVO: Make that "complete copy of the poster"...
> or a News
> administrator
SERVO: Make that "complete copy of a news administrator"...
> (only if permission to forward is not refused).
CROW: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm going to take mail from the gal who has ulti-
mate power over my net.access and make it public without permis-
sion. Yeah.
>
> The complaint must have a subject line that starts with the
> characters "COMPLAINT: ", followed by the subject of the
> offending post.
JOEL: Subject lines of GRIPE or BELLYACHE will *not* be tolerated.
CROW: Geez, Mr. Judges is the pickiest kind-hearted soul I've ever seen!
>
> If you receive additional information after submitting a
> complaint or wish to withdraw the complaint, the same subject
> line should be used.
SERVO: But to get some real attention, replace every third word with
"beable" and every other word with "sex".
>
> Mail the complaint to JUDG...@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu or
JOEL: About the article, or this FAQ?
SERVO: Or complaints about complete copies?
> JUDG...@UBVM.BITNET.
CROW: [sings] The Itsy-BITNETsy Spider, climbed up the World Wide Web...
JOEL: Good one, Crow.
>
> If you wish to participate in the discussion of the
> complaint, email to
SERVO: ...any mail-to-news gateway that can reach the MST3K groups.
They'll talk about anything there.
> LIST...@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu or
> LIST...@UBVM.BITNET with only the command:
> SUB JUDGES-L <your-name-here>
> in the message body. Replace the <your-name-here>, with your
> first and last name, in the above command.
JOEL: [dumb voice] Duh, okay... "SUB JUDGES-L your first and last name".
[All laugh moronicly.]
>
> Before making comments on the List, please wait for someone
> to respond to your complaint. If there is no response within
> a week,
CROW: Forget about it, as the offending article will have expired at
most sites.
> it is most likely that you did not file a
> satisfactory complaint (see above). If you find no error in
> your complaint and the problem still has not been resolved,
> send an additional message asking for help.
SERVO: Spamming the List, while highly appropriate and really amusing,
will result in cancellation of your e-mail. Time to go, guys.
>
>
[continued in part 2]
Petrea Mitchell
the Cancel FAQ; it will not be put in the MSTings archive. Opinions ex-
pressed herein are not necessarily those of any or all of the authors.
It was written for entertainment purposes only. Honest.
************************************************************************
[continued from part 1]
...o...2...3...4...5...6...G
[SoL, with Joel, Crow and Servo standing about as usual.]
SERVO: Boy, it seems like anyone can appoint themselves Lord High Every-
thing Else of USENET. Isn't there some way to stop it?
JOEL: No, it's just one of the things that comes with anarchy.
SERVO: So if I decided, say, that I was the ultimate authority in saying
who was right and who was wrong in every OS holy war, no one
could do anything about it?
CROW: Well, I'd set myself up as the ultimate arbitrator of all holy
wars including OSes so you'd have to answer to me.
SERVO: Well, I'd have a secret mailing list where my followers and I
could make all our decisions without you knowing them until we
made them.
CROW: Well, I'd have my own news hierarchy and moderate all the groups
in it myself so it'd be ten times cooler than you!
SERVO: Well, my mailing list would go through a filter to screen out all
uncool stuff so it'd be a hundred times cooler than your stupid
groups!
CROW: Oh, you can't write a filter like that!
SERVO: Can too!
CROW: Cannot!
SERVO: Can too!
CROW: Okay, I appoint myself to have total control over mail filter
specs and say you can't write a program like that.
SERVO: Well, I give myself total control of the laws of physics and say
I can!
[The 'bots continue as the commercial light flashes, and Joel leans for-
ward and hits it.]
JOEL: [quietly, to Cambot] USENET. Think about it, won't you?
[Commercial: Comedy Central has picked up "Are You Being Served?" and
"Keeping Up Appearances", freeing PBS to start showing "Fawlty Towers"
again.]
> 6) What should I do if I receive a request to cancel one
> of my own messages?
SERVO: Laugh in the luser's virtual face.
>
> If you do not agree that the request is valid, reply to the
> request with your reasons for not cancelling. If the request
> does not mention the Judges' List, refer to this FAQ
CROW: So if it does go to Judges-L, you shouldn't read this FAQ?
> and ask
> that you be notified if a complaint is submitted.
>
>
>
> 7) How can I request that a message be cancelled when I
> can not do so myself?
>
> If your software does not permit cancellation, or you are not
> confident in using it,
JOEL: Repost the article to alt.religion.scientology, and cancels will
soon be issued.
> ask your administrator to issue a
> cancel message for you.
SERVO: Then, cancel his forgery as per (3).
CROW: If, however, you want to have some real fun, ask Canter and Siegel
to do it for you.
>
>
>
> 8) What should I do if I suspect one of my posts has been
> improperly cancelled?
>
> If you suspect that your post has been improperly cancelled,
> contact your News administrator to rule out the possibility
> of a technical failure.
JOEL: Yeah, don't waste any time looking for the actual cancel messages
in control.
> If there has been an improper cancel,
> complete documentation should be directed to the Judges'
> List. Follow the procedures for submitting a complaint,
SERVO: But doesn't that involve getting a copy of the cancelled article,
which is gone now?
> but
> replace the characters "COMPLAINT: " with "CANCEL: ".
CROW: We will gladly follow instructions, and you will be properly ter-
min-- er, cancelled.
>
> 9) Why should I follow these guidelines?
SERVO: Because we know where you live. Muahahahahahahahaha.
JOEL: Because I say so. Now start tithing!
>
> If you do not cancel erroneous articles that you have posted,
> you waste readers' time and damage your own reputation as a
> reliable source.
CROW: [wimpy voice] ...and risk damaging your fragile widdle ego, oh,
the horror!
> Consider an article posted to a typical
> newsgroup with 36,000 readers, a post that takes an average
> of 1 second for each reader to deal with (i. e., examining
> the subject line) uses a total of ten man-hours
JOEL: Ahem, that should be *person*-hours...
SERVO: But that assumes all USENET readers are human!
CROW: Yeah, what about us? We read news and we're not even organic.
JOEL: Okay, being-hours.
> (36,000
> seconds / 3,600 seconds/hour = 10 hours). If the article uses
> up an average of four seconds, then the total time
> expenditure is 40 hours, the equivalent of a work-week.
SERVO: Now, multiply this by the number of articles in the average spam,
and give me a moment to remember why I'm telling you not to can-
cel spam.
> This
> is probably the minimum time expenditure on any article that
> is even selected for scanning. Thus, a few minutes spent
> cancelling an article can save a lot of time for readers.
CROW: Yup, four whole seconds.
> Groups with a lot of erroneous articles tend to lose readers,
> and articles posted to those groups reach a limited audience.
JOEL: So Emily Postnews says you should spam everything you post.
> By cancelling erroneous posts, you also reduce the risk that
> your name will be entered in numerous kill files, thus
> limiting the audience you can reach with your posts. Posting
> of apologies for faulty articles, such as those with an empty
> body, is to be avoided, since this wastes even more time of
> the reader,
SERVO: Make that "a complete copy of the reader"...
JOEL: Tom, consider yourself warned.
> without supplying useful information.
CROW: Posting of enormous amounts of net.advertising is not considered
Useful Information.
>
> If you abuse the cancel facility, by cancelling other's
> articles, you force people to take defensive actions. Many
> administrators have disabled cancels, because they have been
> abused.
JOEL: It was necessary to disable the cancel in order to save it.
SERVO: Welcome to Cancelholics Anonymous.
> The disabling of cancels means that you will not be
> able to delete all copies of your own posts. Therefore, if
> you cancel an erroneous article and then post a corrected
> one, readers at certain sites will first see the erroneous
> one and then the corrected one.
CROW: Except when they don't.
> They may think that the
> corrected one is a duplicate and not read it.
JOEL: Yeah, they might not notice that word "CORRECTED" in big capital
letters.
> This situation
> is obviously of no benefit to posters or readers.
SERVO: Or me, which is why I hate it.
> If your
> site's administrator has disabled cancels, it is wise for you
> to notify your administrator when you issue a cancel,
JOEL: Because if cancels are disabled, you shouldn't have been able to
issue one.
> so at
> least it can be deleted at your site.
CROW: Yup! Go ahead and bother the administrator about your foul-up.
>
> Disabling of cancels does not prevent a cancel from working
> at all,
SERVO: So it's missing its head. It's got two good arms, hasn't it!?
> since the cancel message can delete the cancelled
> article before it gets to a site where cancels are disabled.
JOEL: Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread cancel message!
> Therefore, a cancel will be most effective if it is issued
> immediately after the target article is posted.
CROW: Which is a problem if it was something you wrote while you were
drunk out of your skull two nights ago.
> In some
> cases, robot posters have been used to immediately repost
> articles that have been cancelled.
CROW: We have?
JOEL: Crow, have you been posting "MAKE.MONEY.FAST" again?
SERVO: Once I've been reposted I can defeat the MCP and make this a free
system again!
> This can rapidly lead to a
> newsgroup being overloaded at a site where the cancel
> facility has been disabled. This type of conflict situation
> should be avoided, since it makes the newsgroup unusable for
> most readers. Cancel messages must be used with extreme care.
JOEL: Do not taunt Happy Fun Cancel.
>
> If you cancel articles based upon their content, you expose
> your site to a legal risk, since it can then be argued that
> you are taking responsibility for all articles' content,
SERVO: And I can't have anyone contesting my claim to that.
> some
> of which may violate copyright or pornography laws, for
> example.
CROW: Like alt.binaries.pictures.erotica!
SERVO: What, you actually read that stuff?
CROW: No! Heh... of course not... heh heh heh...
> Originating sites already are exposed to this risk,
> therefore, they should be allowed to cancel such posts. They
> should also have a user agreement that permits them to
> discipline a user,
[All cough, clear throats, whistle nonchalantly, etc.]
> thus ensuring that repeated postings of
> this type do not occur, and thereby reducing the legal risk
> at all News sites.
JOEL: Yessir, sysadmins, make sure your pitiful users suffer instead of
you!
>
> This is not a hypothetical risk.
SERVO: It's a hypothetical Stratego.
> Many sites have been closed
> down, had their equipment seized, and their operators
> prosecuted, and in some cases jailed.
CROW: And NEVER allowed to pass `Go'.
> The effectiveness of a
> common-carrier or "bookstore" type of defense has yet to be
> established (But see Mike Godwin <mnem...@eff.org>.
JOEL: Yeah, I hear he's a hot date!
> INTERNET
> LIBEL: IS THE PROVIDER RESPONSIBLE? Internet World, Nov./Dec.
> 1993) [URL: ftp://ftp.eff.org/pub/CAF/lawlibel_1.IW].
SERVO: URL. IBM. NBC. HAZMAT. CAMPBELL'S ALPHABET SOUP.
JOEL: Better now, honey?
SERVO: Yeah, sure.
> The use
> of non-originating site cancels, to control content of
> articles, reduces the chances that such a defense can ever be
> established.
JOEL: So it's best to stick with the nickel defense, unless the other
team has a strong passing game.
> This could make the risk of operating a News
> site unacceptable. Some sites have already been prohibited
> from operating moderated newsgroups or mailing lists by their
> legal counsel, because of the legal risk associated with
> assuming responsibility for content of distributed messages.
CROW: Blah blah blah, party of the first part, yakkity shmakkity.
JOEL: Makes me wonder why the Mads don't send these things to someone
who *really* deserves to suffer--like, say, a lawyer.
SERVO: Because they're *evil*, remember?
JOEL: You mean the Mads, or lawyers?
SERVO: Er...
> The damage to USENET caused by the most extreme case of
> abusive posting was much less than that caused by external
> threats,
CROW: I dunno, we've yet to see the MBone knock an entire country off
the net.
> even when those threats did not directly result in
> disruption of a News site. Therefore, in doubtful cases,
> cancel messages should not be issued. Notification of
> authorities external to the Net should be avoided. Contacts
> to the Press
SERVO: [singing] Can you number the days that we fulfill, or the Times
that we bring forth?
> should be left to those who have been trained in
> public relations or have equivalent experience.
JOEL: Or have built-in contacts.
SERVO: Hey, just leave it to ol' Tom "Mr. Schmooze" Servo to take care
of P.R.!
>
> In order to minimize legal liability, you should in, first
> instance, try to stop abusive posting at the source.
CROW: I can recommend a couple good hit men.
> By
> objecting directly to a poster of offensive material and
> making the person aware of this FAQ, you reduce the chances
> of
JOEL: ...them taking you seriously.
> repeated abuse.
>
> In the case, that a poster refuses to comply with a request
> to cancel an article and you refer the matter to the Judges'
> List, the conflict can be resolved in a way which benefits
> the Net
SERVO: Or a complete copy of the net.
> in the long term, and reduces the risk that you will
> be subject to retaliation, for example, by
JOEL: Not using, so many commas, when you, type.
> having your posts
> improperly cancelled. Complaints to the Judges' List also
> permits a database of repeat abusers to be built up,
CROW: Use Formula 409 to get rid of unsightly database buildup.
> with
> much more effective resolution of such cases then becoming
> possible.
>
>
>
> 10) How can I find out more about
JOEL: ...Rogaine with Minoxidil?
> the NetNews Judges' List?
>
> The Judges-L Frequently Asked Questions List contains
> complete information about the List.
CROW: Oh, shoot. Sounds like an experiment for the not-to-distant fu-
ture to me.
> It includes the rules
> that govern processing of complaints, the procedures for
> creating consensus documents, such as this one, information
> on how to change the rules,
SERVO: ...lots more authoritative-sounding bull...
> etc. It is available in the
> Judges-L public archive and posted monthly to
> news.admin.misc, etc. Private archives, which
> contain all messages sent to the List,
JOEL: Not just any list, but the List.
> are available to List
> subscribers. Subscription is open to persons who submit a
> correctly completed Judge-L Registration Form, which is
> included in the Judges-L FAQ.
CROW: Wait, I thought Mr. Judges said you could only get the Judges-L
FAQ when you subscribed to the list!
>
> Background information on the List is available in these
> articles:
>
> Arthur, C. (1 Oct. 1994).
SERVO: C. Arthur Toon?
> Internet posse will run junk e-mail out of town.
JOEL: [John Wayne voice] Better gitcher spam out past town limits by
sundown.
> New Scientist, vol. 143, num. 1945, p. 6.
>
> McKinney, E. (Dec. 1994)
> The matrix vs. spam.
CROW: Gamera vs. Guiron!
SERVO: Wolverine vs. God!
JOEL: Pierson vs. Post!
'BOTS: Huh??
JOEL: It's a property case from ninteenth century English common law.
SERVO: Joel, you're weird.
> Matrix News, 4(12), pp. 6-7. >
> Stodolsky, D. (25 Feb 95).
> Re: JUDGES-L (da Silva, RISKS-16.83 on Stodolsky, RISKS-
> 16.82). RISKS DIGEST 16(85).
> http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/16.85.html
SERVO: And they aren't even cat people! Boooo!
>
>
>
> *** Cancellation request form
>
> Sample reply to a poster requesting cancellation or
> explanation (not usable in cases where only the opinions
> expressed are offensive):
JOEL: Whose, the poster's or the replier's?
CROW: Well, you could say *these* opinions are offensive...
>
> -----
[All duck again.]
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> I object to your post, because ....
JOEL: ...it shows you have a life, and I'm jealous!
SERVO: ...you're stupid, ugly, and I really don't like you, and you mis-
spelled "the" fourteen times!!!
CROW: It's long and boring, it's an unnecessary power trip that serves
only to confuse new readers, and, all together now...
ALL: Assaulting a police officer!
> Please cancel this post and notify me that you have done so,
> or explain why you will not delete the post.
SERVO: Why Ask Why?
ALL: Try Bud Dry!
CROW: The beer that really *is* made from urine.
> Please note that
> any reply may be forwarded to the JUDGES-L list, unless
> explicit objection is given.
CROW: Oh, yeah, be explicit...
JOEL: This message contains explicit language.
SERVO: Oh yeah. Shhh, don't tell Senator Exon!
> If I get no response, I will submit a complaint to the
> Judges' List.
JOEL: And then I'll tell your mom.
> If you wish to participate in the discussion of the complaint
> on that List, email to LIST...@UBVM.cc.buffalo.edu or
> LIST...@UBVM.BITNET with only the command:
> SUB JUDGES-L <your-name-here>
CROW: Or the command: BITE ME <dickweed>
> in the message body. Replace the <your-name-here>, with your
> first and last name, in the above command.
> ---
CROW: DUCK! HERE IT COMES AGAIN!
[All hit the deck.]
> ------------------------------------------------------------
'BOTS: Whew.
JOEL: Looks like it just rained--worms are coming out of their holes.
>
>
SERVO: I like the Standard Bonehead Reply Form more.
>
> *** Contributors to this FAQ include:
>
> Bob MacDowell <bob...@NETCOM.COM>
> David Stodolsky <da...@arch.ping.dk>
CROW: Wait a minute. Aren't these the guys that they referenced up a-
bove?
> Dimitri Vulis <d...@dm.com>
>
SERVO: So if this is a consensus opinion, then there are only three
people on Judges-L!
JOEL: And one of them's just there as a spy for eWorks, of course.
>
>
> *** Trademarks, etc.
>
> Judges-L, judges, Judges' List, net.judges, NetNews Judges,
> NetNews Judges List, NetNews Judges' List are trademarks of
> the Judges-L Registrar.
CROW: However, "Judges-L Registrar" is free for use. Try it in your From
lines for a couple days.
> They may also function as service
> marks, certification marks, collective marks, etc.
JOEL: Bookmarks, birthmarks, teethmarks...
SERVO: ...trademarks, quote marks, Marx Brothers...
CROW: ...and most importantly, `toxic waste' marks.
> These marks should not be used in any situation whatsoever
> where there is a likelihood of confusion. For example, use of
> the name "judges" or "Judges-L" as the sender of a message or
> as a signature would be an infringement.
JOEL: Even if you happen to be, say, a judge.
CROW: So if my name was Bob Judges, I'd be in hock to both Microsquish
*and* these guys?
JOEL: Looks that way...
>
>
>
CROW: Jeez.. What's the Net coming to?
SERVO: I dunno, but I'm leaving.
>
> =
CROW: RUN! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!
[Everyone dashes offscreen]
> ======================================================
>
[All come back]
JOEL: Oh, they won't let us leave until after the .signature.
> David S. Stodolsky,
SERVO: Make that "a complete copy of David S. Stodolsky"...
JOEL: I thought I told you to stop.
SERVO: Oops! Sorry...
> Euromath Center, University of Copenhagen
> Universitetsparken
JOEL: Das komputermachine ist nicht fur gefingerpoken und mitengraben...
> 5, DK-2100 Copenhagen, Denmark. da...@euromath.dk
> da...@arch.ping.dk. Tel.: +45 38 33 03 30. Fax: +45 38 33 88 80. (C)
CROW: His *fax number* is copyrighted?
SERVO: Oy. Let's roll.
>
...o...2...3...4...5...6...G
[On the bridge, Joel is holding a pointer, and standing next to a chalk-
board that has a complicated organizational diagram on it. Crow and
Servo are sitting in desks facing it.]
JOEL: Class, today we're going to learn about the real power behind USE-
NET.
SERVO: Oh boy! Is it the Toronto Cabal?
CROW: Dave Lawrence?
SERVO: The Church of Scientology?
JOEL: It's all those and more! [He points to a node near the top of the
chart] We'll start with Kibo. Although he professes to be the head
of his own religion, [Joel's pointer follows a line up from Kibo's
node to another] he's actually under the constant spiritual con-
trol of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs.
CROW: No way!
JOEL: Yes, way. And Kibo is closely allied with [follows a line sideways
from Kibo] Haakon VII, who in turn controls the entire MOO world,
although Haakon is also helping the Greys in their plan to take
over the Earth.
SERVO: Who's that over there, controlling the Scientologists?
JOEL: That, my robot friend, is one of the most famous yet most undetec-
table groups-- the Bavarian Illuminati!
[Both 'bots gasp.]
JOEL: Which in turn is run by Steve Jackson.
SERVO: It's all beginning to make sense now!
JOEL: Who is actually a hypnotized mind-slave of Lord British!
CROW: I'd never have dreamed--! Who else do the Illuminati control?
JOEL: Among others, there's eWorks and Senator Exon, and they also in-
filtrated the early Backbone Cabal, which still exists as the real
power behind the EFF.
CROW: Wait a minute! It says here that the Illuminati control Dave Law-
rence, but he's also under the power of Kernighan and Ritchie. How
can that be?
JOEL: Well, unbeknownst to most people, the Illuminati borrowed an elite
squad of Oregon-grown ninjas to kidnap Lawrence so that they could
implant an alternate personality in his brain. Can either of you
guess who that personality is?
CROW: Steven Boursy?
SERVO: Bob Allisat?
JOEL: Wrong and wrong. It's Cracker Buster.
SERVO: Of course! I just realized I've never seen them posting at the
same time!
CROW: But where does CancelMoose fit into all of this?
JOEL: I really hate to say this, but he's just another agent of Canter
and Siegel.
CROW: Awww.
JOEL: But it turns out Canter and Siegel are members of Dogbert's New
Ruling Class.
CROW: Hey, that's good!
SERVO: Who's in that box over there that isn't connected to anything?
JOEL: This? It's MIT's latest triumph in artificial intelligence, known
to USENET as Ron Newman.
CROW: I can believe that. No *human* could stay out of a flamewar that
long.
JOEL: Ready for a pop quiz, class?
SERVO: [whining] Is this gonna be on the final?
[The Mads light flashes.]
CROW: Saved by the bell... uh, light.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: You just keep up those conspiracy theories, Joel. I'll be talking
to Stodolsky to see about licensing a few more of his FAQs, and
then we'll see who has control around here! [hits button]
\ | /
\ | /
---0---
/ | \
/ | \
<fwshhhh>
MSTed by Steve "Farside" Boyd <bo...@comm.hq.af.mil>,
Ellya the half a bee <el...@unix.tpe.com>,
Matthew Miller <rmi...@infinet.com>,
& Petrea Mitchell <pr...@mvp.com> (Self-Appointed Almighty Editor)
Host segments and other boring stuff by Petrea Mitchell
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and movies (whee!) are all copyright 1995 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing
not endorsed, authorized, or supported by anybody. Not intended as a
personal attack on David Stodolsky, Bob MacDowell, or Dmitri Vulis. Mail
replies to this post will be forwarded to all the MSTers.
If you'd like to MST some deserving piece, please contact the dibs mail-
ing list by e-mailing <mne...@engin.umich.edu> with "DIBS-SUB" in the
header.
Silas Dunsmore
I think it should have gone to the news.admin.(net-abuse.)*misc groups
too... after all, it is reasonably on-topic there. Certainly more so
than the original post was on-topic here.
Also, some of the in-jokes require knowledge of common news.admin topics
and denizens.
Poor David. He apparently suffers from clue-phobia.
--
Later, eh? Silas
CUT TO: Cellar with isolation tank. ELDERLY ENTOMOLOGIST climbs in.
Narrator: The isolation tank--now available in most American cities--sets
off a train of brainwave changes.