[ MiSTed ] Sonic the Hedgehog: Jaded Views ( 2 / 4 )

[Joseph Nebus]

[ ALL file in ]

JOEL: I can't wait to see us on A&E.

>
> "Sacre bleu!" Antoine cried, outraged. "Ze operas were ze peak
> of ze entertainment!"

TOM: You see, it's very funny when French guys like opera and nobody
else does.

>
> "Hey, guys," Sonic said, "what-say we go talk to the others
> about this?"

JOEL: You know, that's a lot of work. What if we just trade those
"Whassup" commercial ripoffs instead?

>
> "Ya, mon," Knuckles said. "They might have gotten some
> development in Kabuki's condition, too, eh?"

CROW: Anything can happen in a cut-away.
>
> Chapter 3 Drawn Blades

TOM: Incense and Peppermints.

>
> The grimy badger,

JOEL: That's really the way you want every sentence to start.

> clad in a shirt with a strange design, holey
> pants,

CROW: Holey pants, Batman!

> and sandals, kicked the contraption again, then checked his
> watch.

JOEL: Wait, wrong hand.

> "I been doin' dis fo' ten minutes now!" he griped in a thick
> New York accent.

ALL: [ Snickering ]
TOM: Ah, he's from Movie Brooklyn.

>
> "Not going too, well, eh ol' buddy?" asked the figure in the
> dark suit and hood in a similar voice, without the New York accent.

JOEL: Golly gosh, you're a big-time newspaper reporter and I'm just
a copy boy. Ya think I can ever be important like you too?

>
> "No, it ain't, Tracks," said the badger.

TOM: We's gonnta be makin' yuh, dat's wut dat is.

> "I never did figure
> out how to woik dis t'ingy."
>
> "Maxl," said the hooded figure,

JOEL: Maxl's getting advice from the jawas.

> "take it from your buddy,
> Tracker

TOM: I mention my name because I know you're likely to forget it.

> -- you're a total klutz when it comes to machines. Anyways,
> it's time for your fencing lesson. You're getting better."

CROW: So, uh, when Robotnik overthrew the government and threw everyone
he could into the roboticizers, what were Maxl and Tracker doing
that he overlooked them?
JOEL: Oh, see, Robotnik conquered all of Mobius except for the junior
high schools.
TOM: Yeah, it turns out you get really incompetent SwatBots out of
Seventh Grade.
CROW: Really incompetent SwatBots? How could you tell?

>
> "Well, okay," said Maxl, kicking the contraption one last time

JOEL: He doesn't even know the Fonzie move.

> before he went into his house to practice fencing with Tracker. On
> his way into the house,

TOM: Work on your machinery in the great outdoors, but go into the
enclosed areas to perform some physical activity.

> Maxl looked at his watch,

JOEL: [ As Maxl ] My life would be empty if I didn't have my watch.

> then mumbled
> something about operas and Jade.

CROW: Can *you* identify the plot point in this scene?

>
> Tracker drew his blade.
>
> "Wow!" said Maxl, "Dat's a good pictcha!"
>
> "Thanks," said Tracker. "Your art lessons really helped."

JOEL: We leave this here for everyone who wants to slap this story.

>
> The two friends were sitting on Maxl's green carpet, the only
> clean thing left in his house.

CROW: Sure, Mobius has been wracked by war for years,
but the rug shampooing services are still first-rate.

> After fencing with Tracker, Maxl had
> agreed to give him an art lesson.

TOM: The average body is two heads tall.
CROW: Eyes are big, misshapen kidney-bean objects.
JOEL: Characters inserted into the series as the author's avatars
should be bright neon colors.

>
> "Well, since you won that last round of fencing,

CROW: I get the next round of carpentry sheds.

> I want to
> take you on again." said Tracker.
>
> "Deal," answered Maxl, "but you pull your Big Blade and I'll
> take ya outta da picture."

TOM: Don't these guys have anything to do?
JOEL: It's probably winter break on Mobius or something.

>
> "Fine by me, just wait and see...." said Tracker, "Just don't
> snap your fingers this time, okay?"

CROW: Last time you snapped your fingers we vanished and
reappeared two weeks later in Jacksonville, Florida.

>
> Maxl nodded. The house floor was all hardwood with no
> furniture or mats, except for the green carpet.

JOEL: You think if this detail keeps up we'll never get back
to the story?

> For some reason,
> Maxl just couldn't stand having any blood on his beautiful carpet.

TOM: And that's all the personality we can afford in this fanfic.

> Some might say that was the only sane thing about him.

CROW: These people were fools, who'd never even suspected
he kept pools of duck sauce.

>
> "To ahms!" yelled Maxl across his living room to Tracker. Both
> drew sizable two-foot long daggers.

JOEL: Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Thrust! Ha!

> Tracker advanced on Maxl, the
> thought of spilling blood on his mind. Maxl advanced on Tracker, the
> thought of meatloaf on his mind.

TOM: See, thinking of meatloaf when you're fighting is very funny.

> Soon, both were in striking
> distance of each-other. Maxl decided to try to trick Tracker.
>
> "Hey! A big meatloaf's behind ya!" he yelled.

CROW: Yeah, and a chicken pot pie is laughing at you!

>
> "Huh??" asked Tracker, looking over his shoulder. Maxl struck
> at Tracker, who pivoted and parried. Tracker tried the same trick
> back on him, which was advantageous.
>
> "Wait!" yelled Tracker, "The meatloaf is behind you now!"

TOM: Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna fall for my own --

>
> "Food!" yelled Maxl. He spun around,

TOM: Never mind.

> and was stabbed in the
> back by Tracker.
>
> "Quick!" yelled Tracker. "Clap your hands!"

CROW: You're happy *and* you know it, and you *really* want
to show it!

>
> Maxl did so, and got up off of the floor. He no longer was
> bleeding, and the hole where he had been stabbed was gone.

JOEL: I hear there's a reward for anyone who can turn this into
something that makes sense.

>
> "Okay," Maxl said, checking his watch.

CROW: [ As Maxl ] I thought my watch was making a break for it,
but I guess I was wrong.

> "We've sparred fo' ten
> minutes. We kin stop now."

TOM: Ten minutes of exercise, five times a year, is enough for anyone.

>
> Meanwhile, a robot was watching everything from the underbrush
> a few hundred yards away.

CROW: The story's all mixed up, it thinks one of us is in it.

>
> Chapter 4 Kabuki Comes To

JOEL: To the south is.

>
> Access granted.

TOM: You may now hate the rest of the story.

> The Freedom Fighters cheered as they saw the
> message displayed on the screen.
>
> "Now we need to send the necessary stimulation signal,"
> Bookshire said. "Computer,

CROW: Commence screaming.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAA!

> run a low-power electric impulse, similar
> to brainwaves."
>
> Kabuki, lying on the floor,

TOM: Shouldn't they have, like, a bed or something?

> gave a slight twitch,

CROW: And got two quivers in change.

> but didn't
> do anything afterwards.

JOEL: Like shooting fish in a barrel... without a barrel...
and without a fish.

>
> "Great," Sally said. "I guess we've only got one choice left

CROW: It's time to Mousercize.

> -- shock treatment."
>

TOM: Like, say, running electric current right into her body?

> Amaroq, who had come in a few minutes before, cracked his
> knuckles.

JOEL: And kicked some Tails.

> "This is gonna be fun!" he proclaimed.
>
> Suddenly, there was a high screeching sound

CROW: The modem finally got an answer at AOL.

> -- the sort a cat
> makes when stepped on -- and Kabuki was up, claws bared. "You just
> try it, wolf!" she hissed.

TOM: That's kind of an awkward hiss, actually.

>
> "I could take you on any day of the week," Amaroq replied.

JOEL: Except for Thworbsday.

>
> "Break it up," came a voice, "Or you'll be dealing with me."

TOM: Me, Al Franken.

> The voice was exactly the same as X's, but it didn't come from X.
>
> "X3!" X shouted.

CROW: So now we have three characters named X in one story.

>
> "In the flesh," X3 replied, "or, rather, the silicon skin
> alloy."

TOM: That's funny because robots don't have flesh.
CROW: Speak for yourself, plastic-head.

>
> Mega Man X3 was an alternate version of X,

JOEL: Oh, of course.

> who had crossed
> paths with the Freedom Fighters on a distant planet.

CROW: Because the Freedom Fighters weren't busy enough on Mobius.
TOM: If the Freedom Fighters were in charge of Canada during the
French and Indian War, they'd have been spending all their
time trying to launch a manned spaceflight to Saturn.

> The fact that
> he existed in the same reality as X had caused them both to
> malfunction, so they had worked hard to become different.

JOEL: One of them decided to become Peter Potamus;
the other, Precious Pupp.

> At this
> point, the weapon systems were different, and X3 had a strange
> morphing capability that allowed him to change shape,

CROW: Just like half the other characters on Mobius nowadays.

> but their
> minds and personalities were still about the same.

TOM: Sure it's kind of cheating to have your characters all
have the same personality, but it does make the story
easier to write.

>
> "See anything on your perimeter scan?" Sally asked.

JOEL: it's the formula for a trapezoid...but what does it mean?

>
> "As a matter of fact, yes," the robot replied.

CROW: But everything's so small and far...
JOEL: You hold the binoculars the other way.

> "I saw a badger

TOM: All nice and pretty, like the 'hind, of Conway Twitty.

> and a -- a something; I couldn't tell what it was because it was
> dressed in a black hood and cloak -- who were fencing in a rather,
> um, unique way.

CROW: And by unique I mean sad and embarassing.

> They said something about meatloaf."
>
> "Get any names?" the princess asked.

TOM: Yes, but they're all of former record-holding baseball players.

>
> "Yeah. One of them called himself..."

JOEL: Doctor Frank-n-furter.

>
> "The Wandering Psycho," Kabuki interrupted.

TOM: Bret Easton Ellis makes an even more pathetic stab at getting
anyone to read his new stuff.

>
> "Uh, actually, the badger called himself something like
> Maxwell,

CROW: Maxwell makes the best VHS videotapes.

> and the shadowy guy said he was the Tracker."

TOM: He keeps your videotapes from getting all staticky.

>
> "Shut up," Kabuki commanded. "He sent me a note..."
>
> "This?" Knuckles inquired, and showed everyone the message
> they'd found in the heap of stuff.

JOEL: Ooooh.
CROW: I knew we'd see that note again.
TOM: The story's just too tight to let it drop.

>
> "Yeah," Kabuki said. "It caused me to lose consciousness."
>

CROW: I've had that feeling with some of the stuff we've seen.

> "Because of its utter stupidity?" Amaroq asked.
>
> "No," Hedgehog X spoke up.

TOM: Because it was wrapped around a brick and thrown at her head.

> "Because it triggered something in
> her memory that had been somehow blocked out...right, Kabuki?"
>
> "How did you..."

JOEL: Happens all the time in these stories.

>
> "Been there, done that," was the only explanation Hedgehog X
> gave.
>
> "Let's just say it's something that you newbies weren't there
> for," X said.

CROW: X and X feel closer to one another. It's something X and X just
don't understand.

> "Newbies" was the term that he used whenever
> referring to Freedom Fighters who were new to the business,

TOM: Because calling them "florbnoxes" would be awkward.

> as
> opposed to veterans such as Sonic and Kate, who were there from the
> start.
>

JOEL: Or at least like Sonic.

> "Nevermind that," Rotor said. "Kabuki, what can you tell us
> about this Maxwell?"

TOM: He strongly believes that various meat products are hilarious.

>
> "To tell you the truth," Kabuki said, "I'd rather show you."
> The jade ring she always wore

CROW: And she always wore it, so don't go thinking the authors
just now thought it up.

> started glowing, and displayed an
> image on the wall.

JOEL: It's the ring of flashbacks!

> It was totally black and green, rather like a
> Game Boy screen, but no-one seemed to mind.

CROW: Because Game Boy screens were known only to the 2038 teenaged
humans who'd been transported there from Earth to take on new
animal bodies and become trusted members of the inner cadre
of Freedom Fighters.

>
> Chapter 5 The Kindness of Strangers

TOM: I have always relied upon this chapter.

>
> The vision appeared blurry at first,

JOEL: [ "Hitting" the screen ] Somebody jiggle the antenna, please.

> but then slowly began to
> resolve,

CROW: The story proudly announces this is the year it's losing
those 15 pounds.

> and then sounds started coming up. Soon, even though it was
> green,

JOEL: It did not reflect the great taste of lymon.

> the Freedom Fighters watching could make out every color
> through some enchantment.

TOM: That is to say, it was not green.

>
> The picture showed a badger, running into a tree repeatedly.

CROW: Discount Sisyphus. When you don't have time to push a rock
up a mountain for *all* eternity.

>
> "Fool!" he screamed in a feminine voice.
> "You're...oof!...going to get ...oof!...us all...oof!...killed!"

JOEL: If you make it angry the tree's going to pull a knife on you!

>
> "Lay off!" he said in another voice, male with a New York
> accent.

TOM: Ooooooh.
JOEL: I get it *now*.
CROW: Yeah... what?

> "I'm...oof!...goin' fo' a new...oof!...record!" He checked
> his watch.

TOM: Nope, nobody stole my wrist while I wasn't looking.

>
> "We've been running...oof!...into the tree
> for...oof!...twenty-five minutes now!"

CROW: Somehow I empathize with him.

> he said triumphantly, this
> time using the same male voice, only without the accent.

TOM: The accent is added for clarity.

> "Excellent!"
>
> The figure of a Siamese cat approached silently from behind.

JOEL: I wonder if she's connected to the other Siamese cat in
the story.

> It was clearly Kabuki. "Ummm...what exactly do you think you're
> doing?" she inquired.

TOM: Practicing for the Presidential election.

>
> "Making...oof!...new...oof!...records!" the New York accent
> replied.

CROW: Dealing with your student loan people, dramatically represented.

>
> "Stop...oof!...this at...oof!...once!" screamed the female
> voice.
>

JOEL: It's like watching a Red Sox fan.

> "We've...oof!...already made a new...oof!...record!" the
> normal male voice pointed out.
>

TOM: I understand being in the military is just like this.

> "Fine. I'll...oof!...stop!" The badger stopped abruptly.
>

JOEL: This is how I felt at every business meeting I ever attended.

> "I want control of the body next!" the normal male voice said.
>

TOM: I wonder if that's Mel Blanc's missing thousandth voice.

> "No!" the female voice replied. "You'll just do something
> stupid like Maxl! I should have control!"

CROW: I think we do have to admit. Guys are just dopey.

> There was a tremendous
> argument.
>
> "Schizophrenia," Kabuki murmured to herself.

TOM: As presented in the movies, anyway.

> "Maybe I should
> put the poor thing out of its misery..." She drew her katana and got
> ready to strike,

CROW: The Rudy Giuliani approach to psychiatric care.

> but just before she would have made the killing
> blow, the ring on her finger started to glow.
>

JOEL: Hey! No fair flashbacking inside the flashback!

> "What the bleep?!" Kabuki gasped (she commonly used the word
> "bleep" when she felt like swearing).

CROW: It's just a little thing she does.

> "It's that gem the fox

TOM: The one whose name I can't think of for no readily
apparent reason.

> gave
> me! It's...it's possessed!"
>
> An eerie green glow emanated from the ring, and shone on the
> badger.

JOEL: I think this badger's a ringer.

> Its eyes grew big,

TOM: And when a Mobian's eyes are big, you know it's big.

> and the green light grew so bright that
> no-one could see a thing.

CROW: The truth behind LASIK surgery.

> When their vision was cleared, they saw
> that there was no longer one badger, but three.

TOM: And this is progress?

>
> One badger looked the same as before, only a bit dirtier, and
> was wearing weird clothing.

CROW: Man, it's like we've known him all his life.

> "What's goin' on?!" he asked in the New
> York accent.

JOEL: We wuz headed fur Canarsie an' dis cabbie pulls up onna curb.

>
> "I think...we're...finally...free," contemplated a dark-clad
> badger with a hood hanging down from his outfit,

TOM: [ Awed ] The birth of Orko!

> in the unaccented
> male voice.
>
> "Finally," sighed the female badger, who was not only wearing
> green, but whose fur was green to match.

CROW: [ Calling out ] Hey, Kabuki! Jiggle the ring again!
TOM: Yeah, any robot babes in there?

> "I've had to put up with
> running into trees and other stupid stuff of the like for years
> now!"

JOEL: It's particularly frustrating because she could have a
meaningful life of sneaking into Robotropolis to commit
vague and pointless minor acts of sabotage or to steal
precious supplies of canned beets.

>
> The green badger contemplated for a moment,

TOM: [ As the green badger ] Why aren't couches named something
tougher?

> then growled, "And
> it's your fault!" She struck at the normally-colored badger.
>
> "Maxl! Get down!"

CROW: Get funkalicious!

> shouted the dark-clad badger, and threw
> himself into Maxl to knock him out of the way.

TOM: Freedom Fighters Moe, Larry and Curly.

>
> "You'll pay for that, Tracker," hissed the green badger, eyes
> narrowing.
>
> "No prob, Jade," said Maxl. "Will you take cash...or credit?!"
> With that, he pulled a credit card out of his pocket,

JOEL: Even armageddon can't stop you from getting pre-approved
credit cards in the mail.

> and threw it
> at Jade, breaking her fingernail. "Don't leave home without it," he
> said.
>
> Jade screamed in outrage.

CROW: *And* peanut brittle.

> "I'll destroy you for that!!!" she
> shouted.

TOM: Jade has some issues with rage to work out.

>
> "Not so fast!" Kabuki said, leaping in Jade's way. "Name's
> Kabuki Ninomiya.

CROW: [ As Kabuki ] No, really! Stop giggling!

> Normally, I'd sympathize with someone who got their
> fingernail broken,

JOEL: A fingernail once saved my life.

> but I'm against the slaughter of dumb animals!"
>
> "Yeah!" Maxl chimed in. "Hey, wait a minute..."

TOM: [ As Maxl ] Goldfish don't retire! My parents lied!

>
> "We're not dumb!" Tracker said. "Listen: Two times three
> is...umm...six!

CROW: Our authors, ladies and gentlemen.

> Four times eighteen is...umm...not six! So there!"

TOM: Maybe we could slaughter them a little?

>
> "Go!" Kabuki commanded. "I'll take care of this bleep!"
>
> Tracker and Maxl started running.

JOEL: Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing!

> "One good turn equals
> another!" Tracker said mathematically.

CROW: Remember, kids, adverbs make sentences longer, but don't mean
anything themselves.

> "You've saved us...we'll save
> you some time in the future!"

TOM: It'd be kind of hard to save her in the past.

>
> After checking his watch,

CROW: Not even half past the story... dang, I gotta stay.

> Maxl shouted, "Kabuki! I'll be back
> for ya!" and blew her a kiss. For some reason, a lightning bolt
> appeared a second later.

JOEL: Can Freakazoid come over? Can Freakazoid come over?

>
> "Hmmmf...must be a storm brewin'," Jade observed. "I hate
> storms! They ruin my hair!"

TOM: Ever since I replaced my hair with paper napkins.

>
> Kabuki ran after Jade, but the badger turned around and
> clicked her tongue.

JOEL: Is she calling the Oompa Loompas?

> "You will forget about me," she said. "In fact,
> you will forget about this whole occurrence!"

TOM: It was the only compassionate way to help Captain Kirk
overcome the pain of losing Rayna.

> Kabuki's jade ring
> glowed again, and Kabuki fainted.

CROW: If Kabuki had gone straight to the police, this would
never have happened.

>
> The vision ended.
>
> Chapter 6 Badger Hunting

TOM: [ As Elmer Fudd ] Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heeeeuh

>
> There was a long period of silence.

JOEL: We now pause to remember those video game systems that have
died before us.

> Tails was the first to
> break it, with one word:

TOM: And for some reason the word was "eolith."

> "Whoa."
>
> "That about summarizes it,"

JOEL: Apart from the stuff about the bagel chips.

> Kabuki said. "I was pretty
> surprised, too, when I got the letter from one of them."
>
> "Hence the catatonic stupor," Bookshire finished.

CROW: For... reasons that might make sense to somebody else.

>
> "Y'know what I think?" Sonic asked rhetorically.

TOM: If they had made a Ghostbusters III, it should've been
a 3-D movie. That's what I think.

>
> Just about everyone in the room replied, "Let's go find those
> badgers!"

CROW: You know where I'd look? The treasure of the Sierra Madre.
TOM: Good answer, good answer.

>
> "Let's set up the away team," Sally said.

CROW: Just as soon as this turns into a Next Generation fanfic.

> "We can't have too
> many gone,

JOEL: You can never have too many gone.

> but we need a sizable amount, in case of trouble."

TOM: Need at least eight hundred. Maybe four.
CROW: But no more than three, so let's say eighteen thousand,
at a minimum.

>
> "I'm going," Kabuki said.

JOEL: I got an offer to be in a "Samurai Pizza Cats" fanfic.

> "After all, it's my past."
>
> "I'll go," Amaroq said.
>
> "Count me in," Knuckles said.

TOM: This could be our chance to get rid of all the characters.

> "This should be fun!"
>
> "In that case, I won't go," Amaroq said in disgust. Knuckles
> was the one Freedom Fighter who he not only needled, but loathed.
>
> "I know where they are," X3 said,

JOEL: So what are you organizing a search party for?

> "so I have to go, too."
>
> "I'll go," Hedgehog X said. "After all, I'm a bit of a schizo
> myself!"

CROW: X, you and X check in the attic. X and X, you go out back and
see if anyone's there. X, X, and X can check the neighbors,
while me and X will call and see if X or X learned anything
from talking with X, X, X, and X.

>
> "Hey!" came Zero's voice. "Just cuz we've got two minds in one
> doesn't make us schizo!"
>
> "It kinda goes without saying that I'm going," Sonic said.

TOM: No search party's complete without glib quotes insulting Robotnik
and whining about chili dogs.

>
> "I think I should go," Sally said.

JOEL: So we can make this more needlessly risky.

> "After all, one
> level-headed individual -- or two, depending on how you look at it
> -- isn't enough.

CROW: This isn't saying a lot for the Mobian brain trust.

> HX could use some help in controlling you four.
> Besides, I'm the only one here who can use Nicole...without messing
> with it, that is."

JOEL: Without getting it all chewey.

>
> "Sounds good to me," said Kate.
>
> "Have a good time!" X said.

CROW: Write if you get subplots!

>
> The group jumped into one of the Warp Rings that were the exit
> of the Hidden Palace

TOM: 'Cause they have warp rings to exit the Hidden Palace, you know.

> (where the Freedom Fighters had been living
> ever since the destruction of their second Knothole),

JOEL: They blew up Knothole!
CROW: Bet it blowed up lame.
TOM: Real lame, or it would've been in the backstory.

> and found
> themselves a mere mile from where the badgers were living.
>
> They came to where X3 had seen Maxl and Tracker.

CROW: Hey, this spot's an optical allusion!

> The hut was
> still there,

JOEL: Huts rarely move more than four feet per day except
at the height of mating season.

> but the badgers weren't! All they found was a note on
> the door:

CROW: [ Reading ] Doorbell out of order, blow trumpet to the right.

>
> Deer Cabookee

TOM: The least popular Pokemon.

>
> Im sory if you came by wile i was goNe.

JOEL: I hear this note was donated by SonicFan.

> i'm at the opra,

CROW: Opra, The Okra Opera, starring Ochre Oprah.

> pleez
> com joyn me n tRacKer.

TOM: [ Elmer Fudd ] In holy matwimony. Eh-heh-heh-hheh-heeeeeh.

> uSe the tikkets I gave u.
>
> Luv, M@)( |_

JOEL: Oh, now that's the smiley representing a carpenter's square.

> (the Wandring SyKKo)
>
> "Yecch," Kabuki muttered.

CROW: She's good at that. She should write the parody names of TV
shows and movies for Mad magazine.

>
> "Hey, wait," X3 said. "There's another note below that!"

JOEL: And... and there's a little *more* dust on it!

>
> Deer Jayd
>
> This wasnt riten by Maxl,

TOM: It's a plant by a power-mad Sid Meier.

> but an eevil fayk Maxl. Pleas do not
> pay any attenshin 2 it! PLEAS! Thanx.
>
> Sined,

JOEL: Two cosine half-theta sine half-theta.

> Not M@)(|_

CROW: Sneezing on the keyboard, dramatically represented.
JOEL: Anyone else get the feeling we're not going to see all the
backstory here?

>

CROW: Like where Maxl and Jade and Tracker came from, why they're in
one body, what that stuff with the rings was?
JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Exactly.
TOM: Get the Super-8 projector, we can do something about that.

[ ALL file out. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]