MST3Kd: "Alive: Part 1"
David G White
Me and my compadres Tom Servo and Crow T Robot are affecting
different regional accents! In case you can't tell, I'm from that
great 'n glorious state of Texas! Yee-hah!
Crow: Yo, I'm from Philly. You can tell because I say the word yo, yo?
Tom: Me, I'm from Canada, eh, and you can tell because I say the word eh
all the time, eh? Understand, eh?
Crow: Adrian! Adrian!
Mike: Oh, cool it you two. Steed and Mrs. Peel are calling.
[Cut to the interior of Deep 13]
Frank:Hey, aren't Avengers references kind of dated by now?
Dr. F:Oh, stuff it, weiner boy. Go ahead with your invention exchange this
week, Nelson!
[Cut back to the S.O.L. An assortment of plastic silverware is spread
across the console's surface.]
Mike: Well, sirs, my invention exchange this week is based on the premise
of the spork! As seen in cafeterias all across the country!
Tom: You see, the combination of fork and spoon really isn't practical,
because most meals require only a fork and knife, and the spoon
doesn't even enter into the picture!
Mike: Right. So that's why we came up with some other, more practical
alternatives to the spork. Like the knork! (hold us up an implement
that looks like a fork at one end and a knife on the other) This
way you don't have to switch utensils all the time to cut something!
Sure, it may make it difficult to hold, but the advantages are
obvious!
Crow: Or how about the spife? (Mike holds up another plastic utensil) It
helps you cut at that tough, yet delicious soup!
Tom: Here's my personal favorite. It's the spoonoon. (Mike brandishes yet
another plastic utensil) It's a combination of every spoon you could
possibly need to use during a meal. So that way, you don't have to
switch spoons!
Mike: What do you think, sirs?
[Back to Deep 13. Frank is hunched over a computer console]
Dr. F:You know, Nelson, that's the most useless invention you've come up
with yet. We, on the other hand, are being far more practical.
Frank:That's right, Clay. We've devised a nice little software virus
that...
Dr. F:I'll take it, Frank. I'm sure you're familiar with the premise of
Kibo numbers, a way of establishing your rank among fellow
Kibologists everywhere. Well, our new virus reduces your Kibo number
by half every time you log in!
Frank:That way, when Leader Kibo gets his way and the world consolidates
into HappyNet, you can have all the privelages that a single-digit
Kibo number brings!
Dr. F:Is it working Frank?
Frank:Let's see...Yes! Yes! I just jumped in line ahead of 3000 other
losers! Nya-hah!
[Return to the S.O.L]
Mike: Hey! That's wrong! I'm telling!
[Deep 13 again]
Dr. F:Oh, get real, Nelson. All your posts have to go through us, and do
you really think we'd let that one out? Anyhow, your experiment
this week is a Quantum Leap fanfic. It's called "Alive," and it
picks up where the TV series left off. Needless to say, it's also
three times more confusing. Enjoy! (presses the button)
[The S.O.L. again]
Tom: Quantum Leap? Oh no, not this again!
Crow: Hey, I wonder if that bomb I mailed to Larry ever got there?
Mike: Aaah! We've got fanfic sign!
G...6...5...4...3...2...1
> Greg Tufaro <Greg_...@bunter.dartmouth.edu> writes:
> Okay, everybody. Here is my first attempt at writing a QL story...
Tom: Noooo! Not a first-timer! Why? Why?
Mike: Maybe they're running out of material from seasoned bad authors.
Crow: Hey, be kind guys, he might be good.
Tom: Hunh?
> well,
> actually, any story for that matter.
Tom: Noooo! It just keeps getting worse!
Mike: Servo, you've got to stop overreacting...
> Sure, I've written things in the
> past,
Crow: Shopping lists, checks...
> but this is the first time I think I'm tackling something so
> large.
Mike: Wow, he can't even remember if he's done something this large
before. Okay, Servo, you can panic now.
> I posted before about how we should continue a story, and I'd
> definitely like to do that, but this one, I'm going to tackle by myself.
Tom: Oh sure, be greedy.
> I've been reading a lot of other people's stories for a while now and
> decided to continue directly where the final episode left off. I'm not
> exactly completely sure where this story is going yet,
Mike: Right to the trash can, pal.
> but I hope
> everybody enjoys it and gives me feedback as to the beginning.
All: (signalling O.K.) It stinks!
> It's sort
> of a mix between an play and a novel.
Crow: But what I'd really like to do is direct.
> Thanks everybody :)
Tom: You're welcome. And wipe that stupid grin off your face!
> The hazy blue light enveloped him before her eyes as he
> disappeared into light.. into eternity.
Mike: Into the hazy void where all cancelled TV series go.
> Sam beckett, a friend.
Crow: And a damn confusing playwright.
> But wait.
> Al... he was alive. Alive.....
Tom: It's alive! My fanfic! It's ALIVE!
> Alive: Part I
Mike: Tuesday: We ran out of food today, and Pedro was looking mighty
good...
Crow: Wow. And you talk about us being tasteless...
> Al (excited nervousness): Ziggy, what happened? Where is he?
>
> Ziggy (weeping): Admiral Calavicci, parting is such sweet sorrow.
Crow: That's nice, Zig, but what the hell does that have to do with
anything?
Mike: It's just another non sequitur. Ziggy's famous for them.
Tom: You're thinking of the wrong Ziggy, Mike.
> Al (mounting annoyance):
Mike: Whoa-ho! Feeling a bit randy, Al?
Tom: What has gotten into you today, Nelson?
> What's that supposed to mean, Ziggy?
>
> Ziggy: I have processed the whole space and time continuum, and am
> unable to locate him...
>
> Al (interrupting): That's not possible.
Tom: Okay, I lied. I only processed half of the space-time continuum.
There, are you happy now?
> Ziggy: But it is Admiral. Dr. Beckett is no longer in Earth's RECORDED
> history...
Crow: So he must be live!
> Al: Ziggy, stop playing semantics you...
>
> Ziggy: I'd stop right there, before you say something you might regret.
Tom: How can you say something that might offend a computer?
Mike: Well, suppose I called you a two-bit Eprom not worth the silicon
you're made out of...
Tom: (starts crying)
Mike: See?
> Al: Then tell me where he is.
>
> Ziggy: I can only postulate with a 10% of certainty that he has leaped
> forward.
Crow: No, no. He forgot to ask "Mother May I." Now he's got to take a
10% leap back.
> Al: Forward? But that means... if the theory of paradox and parallel
> timelines are correct,then Sam can never return to our time...
All: Yaaaaay!
> or
> at least this time, becuase by being there, he's changed here.
Crow: Hunh?
Mike: Wait, I thought by being there, he never was here?
> He's
> not supposed to be there,
Tom: Dammit, Beckett, you're breaking all the rules!
Crow: Beckett's a good cop!
> and by changing something, he'll only
> return on that time-line.
Mike: But by changing something there, is he really there, and if there
is something changed there it isn't really the there he leaped into
from here, so there.
Tom: What?
> A time-line where things a different,
Tom: A time-line where apes evolved from men?
> and
> we'd never know because we don't know where he is.
Mike: I thought we'd established he was definitely here because if he
was there then he wouldn't be here and therefore...
Crow: Geez, Nelson, give it a break!
> Ziggy: No, Admiral... and please stop your raving.
All: Yeah!
Tom: You know, I thought Ziggy was getting too preachy, but this just
turned my whole opinion around!
> Things are different,
> if he DOES change something.
>
> Al: But he already has...
Crow: Has what?
> Ziggy: No, he's leaped into the future, but not the aura of his body,
> and if nobody has filled that aura...
Mike: So he's there, but he's not really there, since no-one from there
is here, and besides, if he went there, no-one here would remember
him since he never really would have been here...
> Al: But wait!! His body disappeared on the last leap.
>
> Ziggy: Admiral, it's returned.
Tom: Apparently, there wasn't enough postage on it or something.
> Al: Then he's not affecting anything. I don't understand... Ziggy, stop
> being so confusing... What do you mean?
>
> Ziggy: His body is here, but he is not.
>
> Al: But how could that happen?
Crow: I believe that the correct term is "vegetable," Al...
> Ziggy: Dr. Beckett is watching the future, but is not affecting it.
Mike: Sort of like everyone at home watching CNN.
> Al: And nobody is 'in' him?
>
> Ziggy: No.
>
> Al: But how? why?
Tom: Who? What? Where? Which?
> Ziggy: Why don't you ask him?
>
> Al: Who?
>
> Ziggy: Dr. Beckett.
All: Third base!
> Al: What?
>
> Ziggy: Dr. Beckett has just leaped into the past.
Mike: Yes, but is that the past there or here? Or quite possibly neither
here nor there. If it's the past there, how do you know? And by
going to the future there, how can he return here?
Tom: Who cares?
> Al: What? Where? Ziggy! Open the imaging chamber....
>
> Ziggy: Yes Admiral.
>
> Al paced forward nervously, pondering the nature of what was
> happening.
Crow: As are we all!
> The Imaging Chamber's door slid open quickly revealing a room
> that he knew.
Tom: Saigon. I can't believe I'm back in Saigon.
> A room he knew too well. In the center, the figure
> continued dancing.
Mike: Disco Inferno!
> Embracing noone, a lone tear rolled down her cheek...
> The emotion flooded back for him as he watched his wife of many years
> glide silently across the floor. Alone and unaware. Beth....
>
> To be continued....
All: Noooooooooooo!
> Greg Tufaro :)
Crow: What's so amusing, boy?
Tom: Come on, guys, let's get out of here.
1...2...3...4...5...6...G
[The interior of the S.O.L.
Mike: You know, sometimes people don't appreciate this job...(the music to
Billy Joel's "The Piano Man" swells in the background and Mike
begins to sing...)
You must help me Al, you're the hologram!
You know the things...
Crow: Nelson! Snap out of it!
Tom: Yeah! Someone posted that song a while ago on alt.ql.creative!
Mike: They did?
Crow: Yes!
Mike: Oh. Well, then, I am plum out of skit ideas. What do you think,
sirs?
[Cut back to Deep 13]
Frank:Hey, what's this message? "TV's Frank has been tried in absentia and
convicted of interfering with HappyNet. Therefore, as punishment,
his Kibo number will be increased to the tenth power and his access
restricted to megabozo groups only." Nooooooooooooooo!
Dr. F:Oh, stop whining and push the button.
Frank:Noooooooooooo!
Dr. F:Push the button, Frank!
Frank:Noooooooooooo!
Dr. F:Frank! (pushes the button)
[Roll credits]
Frank:(voice-over) Noooooooooo...ow!
------
Credits:
MSTified by David White
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of BBI, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.
------
Greg_...@bunter.dartmouth.edu:
> Al: Forward? But that means... if the theory of paradox and parallel
> time-lines are correct, then Sam can never return to our time... or
> at least this time, becuase by being there, he's changed here. He's
> not supposed to be there, and by changing something, he'll only
> return on that time-line. A time-line where things a different, and
> we'd never know because we don't know where he is.
>
> Ziggy: No, Admiral... and please stop your raving.
------
DAVID WHITE, dw...@andrew.cmu.edu
"Those who induce these stressors on you, were individually not your
friends in the first place, for they wish through these stressors to
either brainwash you, transvalue your sex, or even kill you with
alphabet soup."
--Owen W. Gustafson