[MSTied] SAILOR MOON: Past, Present, and Future [6/9]

[Tv's Weretorgo]

>
> " If I'm right we will have to research vampires to find a way to kill
> them without getting ourselves killed. " said Janet

MIKE: Sodium! [quick beat] I mean garlic!

>
> " Okay. I think we are going to have to be careful> I don't want any of
> you guys getting hurt" said Serena
>
> " Don't worry Serena we'll be fine." said Raye
>
> " She's right. Now I have to go and meet my new step family got go. See
> you at the wedding tomorrow." said Janet
>
> ****************************************************************************
> *****************

CROW: You know, cheesy plots, bad dialogue, stupid subplots involving lame
affairs like weddings, and Sailor Moon just *go* together.

>
> " Serena do you have the invitation?" asked Lita
>
> " We need it to get in." said Mina
>
> " I got it and don't worry this wedding will be a great dat off for us."
> said Serena

MIKE: [jive] What dat be?
SERVO: [jive] Whucha talkin' bout, Michael!?
MIKE: [jive] Dat, off dare in da distance!
CROW: [jive] Dat be Serena. Dat Serena is one *smooth...*
MIKE: [jive] Shut yo' mouth!
CROW: [jive] I wuz only talkin' bout Serena! Can you dig!?

>
> " Right. Dancing, talking with people and maybe meeting the guy of your
> dreams" said Raye
>
> " I already got mine " said Serena as she grabbed on to Dariens arm.

CROW: If she'd waited, she could have gotten a two for one sale.

>
> " Invitation please" said a usher
>
> " Here you go" said Serena
>
> " Right side of the church, to the back 5 seats on the end. Next" said
> the usher

SERVO: So, according to Janice, weddings are conducted much like pro hockey
games?

>
> " Boy he sure is not friendly" said Lita
>
> " I'm glad we had an invitation. Imagine trying to sneak past him" said
> Amy
>
> ` " Scary thought " said Janet
>
> "Hi. Your dress is so nice" said Lita

MIKE: GAGGH! Where did she come from!?
CROW: [as Lita] I am the all present Lita. I am everywhere and nowhere, all at
once.

>
> " My mom made me a bridesmaid" said Janet " well got to go and get ready"
>
> " Wait. Is your step dad nice" asked Mina

SERVO: [as Janet] Nope. Mean as hell. Gotta go!

>
> " Real nice. When I met him he told me right away to call him Paul and to
> not worry about him being strick. Angelica gets away with every thing"said
> Janet
>
> " Was the girl right?" asked Amy

CROW: [as Janet] Right as rain.

>
> " I do not know by the time I got home Angelica was locked in her room
and
> she was there until her ride came. I do not know what she looks like even'
> said Janet" well I HAVE to go now. Talk to ya later."

MIKE: [as Janet] I'll throw some more incoherant and confusing dialogue at you
later!

>
> " Bye" said everyone as she ran off.
>
> " Ladies and gentlemen will you please take your seats the wedding will
> begin in just a minute" said a man on the alter

SERVO: [as man] First, we would like to announce the raffling of a new Jeep
Cherokee, during halftime. Also, the owner of a blue Chevy, license number 728-
BGL has left their lights on.

>
> " Wow, there are so many people here. I do not see anyone I know at all."
> said Serena

CROW: It's because her eyes are closed.

>
> Just then the wedding march started. Everyone stood up.

MIKE: [as guest] Zeig halt! Heil Hitler!

> In came the brides
> maids, in came the maid of honour and the came the bride." oh she looks so
> pretty" said Mina
>
> " I wish I could have a wedding this big someday" said Raye
>
> " Muffin, think of it one day it will be us walking down the isle hand in
> hand" whispered Serena
>
> " I can't wait. That will be one of the best days in my life" said Darien
>
> ' I am so lucky to have such a great guy' thought Serena

SERVO: Plot? Pah! I'd much rather read *this* drivel for hours on end!

>
> The ceremony went quick and some everyone was headed to the embassy for
> dinner. " Everyone my I have your attention. I would like to drink a toast
> to my lovely wife, my darling daughter and to my new step-daughter. May our
> lives together be grand until the end" said Paul

MIKE: [as Paul] --Which is coming this Saturday, so I've heard.

>
> " Oh I wish we we're closer. I want to see but there are just too many
> people here" said Mina

CROW: [as Amy] DOWN IN FRONT!

>
> " We can see them during the dance guys" said Amy
>
> " Darien their playing the first song come on we had our first dance
> here. I want to have another when I know it is you" said Serena

SERVO: I dunno, I think the story is beginning to suck less... or maybe the
inital shock has worn off...

>
> " As you wish my princess" said Darien as Serena pulled him across the
> dance floor.

MIKE: --To a grisly death.

>
> " Hi guys" said Janet
>
> " Hi. So how is it way up there" said Raye

CROW: See, Janet waited too long, all she could get was a nosebleed seat.

>
> " Boring. All i've done all day is say cheese. At this rate I'll hate the
> stuff in no time."said Janet

SERVO: [as Raye] Then say "antidisestablishmentarianism!"

>
> " Sounds like you do not like the spot light"said Amy
>
> " Nope" said Janet" I like things nice and quiet"

MIKE: [as Janet, screaming] So will everyone SHUT THE HECK UP!?

>
> " Me too" said Amy
>
> **************************

CROW: As long as she's giving us abrupt endings and transitions, why can't we
cut to the last line in the story?

[sudden jumpcut in story]

> "I..........

CROW: Hey, thanks! Can we go now, Magic Voice?
MAGIC VOICE: Heck no. Wait until daylight.

[cut back to normal]

> " Darien I never want this dance to end I love being in your arms." said
> Serena
>
> " and I love having you in my arms" said Darien

SERVO: [singing] When I... held a cow... in my arms...

>
> " Hey. Honey what you doing with a baby like her when you could be with a
> woman like me" said Mandy

MIKE: Grandma, no!

>
> " Lay off he's mine" said Serena
>
> " Let the guy speck for himself, kid" said Mandy" so what do you say to
> you and me on the dance floor"

CROW: [as Darien] I'd say... "whoa, out-of-body experience!"

>
> " No thanks. Serena is right I am with her." said Darien
>
> " Oh. That's right your friends of Janet's. Gee I piety you" said Mandy
>
> " Why because they don't have to pay people to hang out with them" said
> Angelica

SERVO: Huh? Angelica? Are you in this scene now?

>
> " Hi Angie, what gutter did you pop up from" said Mandy

MIKE: The deep sewer of Janice's mind.

>
> " I was getting punch and avoiding a camera. After all who needs more
then
> one camera hog" said Angelica
>
> " I am not" said Mandy as she stormed away

CROW: [as Mandy] I am *not* a camera hog, and if you call me one again I'll
begin modelling!

>
> " How did you get rid of her. " asked Serena

SERVO: [as Angelica] My powerful bodily funk can work wonders!

>
> " Practice. I've know Meranda for years. I know how to survive her. I'm
> Angelica by the way."
>
> " Serena and this is Darien. Hey you must be Janet's step sister. Nice to
> meet you said Serena
>
> " I met Janet on the way here she is not a bimbo like I expected. So you
> were one of her friends at the airport" said Angelica
>
>
> " Yap. You did I good acting job. You did not get one picture done.
That's
> what you wanted" said Serena

MIKE: Huh? What?
CROW: I vaguely remember a scene like that... but... maybe not.

>
> " Thanks, acting runs in the family. See you guys around said Angelica as
> she walked off.
>
>
> "Serena, I want to talk to you a moment. Alone" said Darien
>
> " Okay, let's go out on the balcony" said Serena
>
> " That's good we can have privacy there" said Darien
>
> They walked out to the balcony in total silence." Darien, this night has
> brought back so many memories." said Serena

MIKE: [as Serena] ...So many incoherant monolgues...

>
> " How so" asked Darien

CROW: [as Serena] Well, see, it triggered a subconscious mental
association with previous experiences, thus...

>
> " Well when we fought Neflite. He attacked Princess Diamond and we ran
> into each other and spent the time together instead of with the princess"
> said Serena

SERVO: [as Serena] Resulting in her brutal, violent death... come to think of
it, maybe we were supposed to be protecting her or something...

>
> " Oh yah. It was not long after that when I found out that you were my
> princess, the girl of my dreams. The one person who could change my life"
> said Darien
>
> " and then after we had our memories back we started to date. We had one
> break up but you only did it because you cared" said Serena

MIKE: [as Serena] --About that damn blond...

>
> " I didn't do it because I care about you" said Darien
> Serena looked at him." why then" she asked
>
> " Because I lo" said Darien

CROW: Because he's a LOW-down dirty bastard?

> but before he could finish a scream came from
> inside the ball room. A scream of pure fear and terror. A scream that could
> kill

SERVO: A scream that could result in an exciting cliffhanger, a scream that
could backfire and just seem pretentious and stupid...

>
> to be continued

[MIKE hums the Dragnet/Mathnet theme...]
MIKE: Dun-dundundun... dun-da-dundunDUN....

>
> Wow. I finished this part. I did not think I could by the dead line. Sorry
> I could not say who screamed but

CROW: --That would have required figuring out whose line it was, anyway.

> I will have part 8 out next week. Scouts
> Honour.Bye Minna
> Janice
>
>

SERVO: Well, now to return to the Land of Confusion.
CROW: We're already *in* the Land of Confusion.
SERVO: The *other* Land of Confusion, then.

[exeunt]

[commercials]

[SOL. More eccentrics.]

MIKE: [sarcastically] Well. Who else would like to say hello?

[On cue, ODDITY5 pops up. Average looking, wearing thick glasses and Crow's
"Bite me" t-shirt (remember the wall.)]

ODDITY5: Hello. Have I told you how much morality bites?
MIKE: [offguard] Huh?
ODDITY5: Never mind, pardon me my quirks.
MIKE: They're... pardoned...
ODDITY5: I can't think of a thing to say, can you?
MIKE: Umm...
CROW: [popping in] Are you the antichrist?
[MIKE gives CROW a look]
ODDITY5: Nope... but I've always thought Reagan might be...
[ODDITY5 fades out. ODDITY6 comes in, and stands there, twiddling her thumbs.
She's short, wearing a t-shirt that says "Bite me... literally!" Hair dyed
black, ragged jeans.]
MIKE: [reading tshirt] Bite me... literally. Huh.
ODDITY6: Minor vampire fetish, what's your excuse?
MIKE: My excuse... for what?
ODDITY6: For not wearing my t-shirt.
MIKE: [freaked out somewhat] I didn't know that I needed one...
ODDITY6: Well. Now you do.
MIKE: [to SERVO] And I thought Doctor F. was screwy...
ODDITY6: [to CROW, shaking his hand] How do you do? I'm a homocidal maniac...
they look *just*
like everybody else!
MIKE: GAGGH! [twitches]

[ODDITY6 leaves]

CROW: [to MIKE] Don't panic, the worst is over... don't worry...
SERVO: Really, Mike, how much worse can it get?

[ODDITY7 comes up. He's a heavy guy, with curly black hair and a look of a true
MSTie about
him.]

ODDITY7: Well, it seems like I just smashed Fiona Apple's head in with a rake.
MIKE: [beginning to truly freak out] [mumbles something inaubible]
ODDITY7: Miss Hayek? That would be a lot easier if I removed my pants...
[CROW and SERVO rush to speak, panicked]
CROW: That won't be necessary, partner!
SERVO: Please, please, move on!
MIKE: [mumbles something]
SERVO: [to CROW] I told you it was a dumb idea to rent that stupid bulldozer!
[lights go off]
CROW: It doesn't matter! WE HAVE CRAPPY STORY SIGN!!!! Come on, Mike!

[MIKE slowly stumbles offscreen.]

[6...5...4...3...2...1... THEATER]