MSTed: "A New Generation" [9/10] (Ratliff)

[Jamie Plummer]

> Chapter Eight
>
> Across the Neutral Zone, the Enterprise shot. Six Warbirds
> pursued, bloody yet unrelenting in their pursuit.

Mike: You know, the Romulans should really test their battleships for
hemophilia before they enter battle.

> Torpedoes had done
> nothing to slow their pursuit. The Enterprise moved at warp 8, warp 9 ...
> faster now. Still they followed ... warp 10, warp 11. The border drew
> closer ... warp 12, warp 13. Suddenly the Enterprise dropped out of

Tom: Be cool. Stay in school. Thank you.

> warp. Her pursuers shot over her as she drew up

Crow: I'm about to drow up, myself.

> beside the Endeavor
> and the Pasteur. Now in Federation space, the Romulans were the
> invaders.

Mike: You can tell because they have those weird pinkies.

>
> "Hail the Romulans, Alexander," Captain Marrissa Picard
> ordered her Operations Officer.

Crow: Hail King Romulus!

> "Admiral Jerick responding," Alexander replied.
> "On Screen,"

Tom: Hey! They're watching Sci-Fi Buzz!

> Marrissa replied. A young Romulan female
> appeared on the screen. "This is Captain Marrissa A. Picard of
> the Federation Starship Enterprise. I am giving you one chance
> to withdraw."

Mike: It will show up on your transcript, though.

> "Admiral Saavik Jerick of the Romulan Warbird Bloodfire. It's
> so nice to finally met my federation counterpart," the Romulan
> replied.

Tom: "Can I interest you in any of our fine Amway products?"

> "I've been hoping to met you for quite some time. I had
> hoped it would be under more pleasant circumstances. I'm sorry that
> I can't take up your offer Captain."

Mike: "I don't do time-shares."

> "I'm sorry to hear that Admiral," Captain Picard responded.
> "I guess it's time to find out which girl Captain its the best."

Crow: And which one has a better command of English.

> "Nothing like friendly competition to begin one's day," the
> Romulan Admiral concluded. "On guard, Captain." The channel closed.

Mike: In space, everyone's on the same calendar.

> "Alexander, rate the Warbirds as to strength," Marrissa
> ordered,

Tom: "Jay, you're in charge of the talent competition."

> returning to her chair. "Assign us numbers 1 and 2. Give
> the Endeavor 3 and 4 and the Pasteur 5 and 6.

Tom: "You won't be served without a number."

> Conn set a course to
> take us down the line.

Crow: Promenade!

> Shayna, fire when ready. Engage full impluse."
>
> The Enterprise arched

Mike: It's a new defense mechanism based on feline organics.

> around to the left edge of the line of
> Romulan Warbirds and began its run. As it ran past one, two, three
> Warbirds the fourth turned to parallel it.

Crow: Women just *can't* parallel park.

> As the Enterprise reached
> it, it began an artful dodge of the Enterprise's phasers and photons,

Mike: The crew has a lot of experience from playing dodge ball in gym class.

> even tractoring one to arch back towards the Enterprise. The
> Enterprise neatly side stepped it and fired on the fifth bird. It
> exploded,

Tom: Hey -- they fed the birds some Alka-Seltzer!

> but now the fourth was on the Enterprise's tail.
>
> "Evasive pattern Mozart Forty," Captain Picard ordered. This
> was not

Crow: Doesn't he mean "Nacht"? Ha!

> going to be easy.
> "I think we've found Jerick's ship," Jay commented.

Mike: "He's been bumped off CNBC by reruns of Conan."

> "Agreed," Marrissa stated. "Let's see if we can give her a
> few surprises. Clara,

Tom: "... turn out the lights and hide behind the curtains."

> give me a little more power

Crow: Another recurring motif for Marrissa...

> to maneuvering
> thrusters, then divert secondary warp power to the deflector."

Tom: "And see if you can't hustle me up some coffee."

> "Ready on your mark," Lieutenant Commander Sutter-Rozhenko
> replied.
> "Conn, rotate fore to aft,

Tom: "... execute rectal-cranial inversion maneuver."
Crow: For more information on Star Trek and rectal-cranial inversion, visit a
Bryan Lambert near you.

> " Marrissa replied. "Lets see how
> the Enterprise moves backwards."

Mike: Kinda like a crab, actually.

>
> The Enterprise turned, her back replacing her front. She
> still moved forward however.

Tom: Um, okay...

> The Romulan at first moved to turn, but
> corrected herself returning to true center behind the Enterprise.
> Then the Enterprise's deflector beam began shooting out at her
> opponent, who neatly dodged.

Mike: Uhhh....
Crow: Don't explode now, Tom.

>
> "Cease firing," Captain Picard ordered. "Maximum power to
> forward shields. Conn, ram her."
>

Crow: Ram her?! I don't even know her!

> Suddenly the Enterprise switched directions and surged
> toward the Bloodfire. The Bloodfire dived down and evaded the
> Enterprise's ram, but received a heavy dose of

Tom: ... goofy juice. This is the dumbest fight sequence I've seen since...,
well, the last Ratliff one.

> the Enterprise's
> phaser fire. Away from each other they went,

Mike: It's a trial separation.

> momentarily giving
> up their game for more easy targets.

Tom: They're firing at Dan Quayle?

> For the Bloodfire it was a
> firing pass on the Endeavor, Marrissa's former ship.

Crow: Even though they didn't get Marrissa, they gave it their best *try*.
[Tom groans.]

> For the
> Enterprise it was two quick and destructive volleys on two Warbirds.

Tom: Ouch. Federation, 30-Love.

> With the Endeavor and Pasteur having cleared a Warbird each, this
> left just the Bloodfire.
> The odds reversed, the Bloodfire did the sensible thing

Mike: ... and went to the blackjack table.

> and turned and cloaked. Her message was clear to the crew of the
> Enterprise, you won today but I will return, for he who flees,

Crow: Is chicken. Ba-cawk-kawk!

> lives to fight again.
>
> "Stand down to yellow alert," Captain Picard ordered,
> getting up. "Inform Starfleet of the results of our battle. Alex,
> you have the bridge. Jay, call in Beta shift early.

Tom: That beta software is always being recalled.

> Clara, I want
> the Enterprise ship shape in Bristol fashion by tomorrow morning."

Mike: "But, sir, to reach Connecticut by tomorrow, we'd need to go warp 19."

> "Aye sir," came the chorus from Lieutenant Commander
> Alexander Rozhenko, Commander Jay Gordon, and Lieutenant Commander
> Clara Sutter-Rozhenko.

Crow: At least "Sister Act" had better space battles.

> "I'll be in the Ready Room," Marrissa commented, heading
> toward the door.
>

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[Concluded in part 10]

Jamie Plummer jc...@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak