Misted: FLAME WARRIORS! Read IMMEDIATELY!!!!
Ken Kaufman
the Bots create new alt.groups
GYPSY: Have you created alt.fan.richard.basehart yet?
MIKE: Yes I have, you're all set to post Article 1 to it.
GYPSY: Oh boy.
CROW: And alt.pyramid.scheme?
MIKE: Coming right up.
TOM: Don't forget alt.sex.robotic.
CROW: And alt.ex.president.stroke.stroke.stroke.
MAGIC VOICE: Article 1 (5 more seconds) in alt.commercial.sign.
MIKE: We'll be right back
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MIKE: Let me get this straight, you want to subdivide
alt.combustion.spontaneous into a.c.s.flash and a.c.s.poof? Oops, talk
and misc are calling.
DR. F: Greetings, net.polluters. Don't you think death and destruction
are getting too rampant these days?
FRANK: Then why did you shoot down that plane in Rwanda?
DR. D: Not now, Frank! Seriously, a kill file is just a manifestation
of these tragic circumstances. We thought we would try to develop
something a bit more positive in response.
FRANK: We call it a breed file.
DR. F: Just a simple line such as "Help me get laid:a/b1-300" will cause
random amounts of articles with that header to show up every time you
read news. Perhaps you saw the version we were beta-testing? It produced
articles appropriately enough called "test".
MIKE: Our invention is the Flamemaster 500. You insert even the most
innocuous text and it will come out in form flambe. A setting of 1 will
insult the intellegence of the original poster. On 3 it begins to
insult their ancestry. The word "Nazi" is likely to show up at settings
of 6 or above.
DR. F: Funny you should mention that. Your posting this week is a
juicy piece of flame-bait, designed to bring all the master baiters
together into one jerk circle. Hope it's not too hot for you. Ta ta!
MIKE & BOTS: We've got posting sign!!!!!
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> Article 525 (8 more) in dc.general:
> From: hart...@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu
TOM SERVO: Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.
> Newsgroups: dc.general,misc.headlines,alt.fan.rush-limbaugh
MIKE: Oh no, another convoluted crosspost.
> Subject: FLAME WARRIORS! Read IMMEDIATELY!!!!
CROW: Flame warriors. Is that like Wild Rebels or Hell Cats or
Warriors of the Lost World?
TOM SERVO: I hope so.
> Date: 21 Apr 94 17:59:53 -0400
> X-From: hart...@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu
TOM SERVO: Guvax is Germany's number one car polish.
> X-Newsgroups: alt.shenanigans
MIKE: Is that a former newsgroup?
> Followup-To: dc.general,misc.headlines,alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,alt.shenanigans
> Distribution: world,dc
CROW: Does that mean DC is out of this world?
TOM SERVO: Just extraterrestrial.
> X-Date: 21 Apr 94 17:45:33 -0400
> Distribution: world
ALL: What about DC?
> X-Organization: Georgetown University
MIKE: O-Organization: The Village People.
TOM SERVO: I'll talk Paul Lynde to block.
CROW: What we have here is an excess of Xs.
MIKE: I'm afraid it will soon be an excess of Zs.
> Lines: 49
> Greetings flame warriors.
MIKE: And greetings to you, O brave Hercules.
> Do you cruise the internet from time to time in search of your next
CROW: Piece of roadkill on the information highway?
> victim? Have you ever said to yourself "hmmm, lets look at the list of
MIKE: Hmmmmmmm ... list of doughnuts.
> newsgroups and find a group of people who deserve my wrath." Do you
CROW: If your name is Khan, the group would be rec.arts.startrek.2.
TOM SERVO: If your name is Grapes, try rec.arts.books.steinbeck.
MIKE: No more or you'll both be eating Basil Wrath-bones again!
> enjoy blasting to bits the wills and the self-images
CROW: Last will and testament -- I bequeath my ... *BOOM!*
TOM SERVO: Self Portrait by Pablo ... *KAPOW!!!!*
> of your fellow
MIKE: Fellow the yellow brick road.
> net-surfers
ALL (singing): If everybody had a RAM board across the whole Usenet,
And started posting very often, some folks would be in debt.
They say that it costs millions, but we don't pay it yet.
Everybody's going surfing, surfing the whole net!
> (you know, the fools who stupidly incur your wrath). Are
TOM SERVO: As opposed to the fools who brilliantly do so.
> you armed to the teeth with pointed barbs, quick-witted replies,
CROW: Gold fillings? Little bits of burger meat?
> devastatingly destructive posts, and the like?
TOM SERVO: This post is destroying half a million acres of rainforest
every year.
> Most importantly, do you have the skills of wit, creativity,
> originality, intelligence (or more precisely- brilliance), confidence,
CROW: Twelve-inch vibrator ...
> and the will to use them for your own personal pleasure?
> If you do, then you are a Flame Warrior. Certainly, you may have
> felt that it would be nice if powerful people like yourself could
MIKE: Ook. I flame. I am powerful. Look at my rippling muscles.
> congregate and communicate with each other. Wouldn't it be grand to
CROW: Get into a shouting match with people as pugnacious as yourself?
> forge a "Round Table of Noble Flame Warriors." Certainly there is
MIKE: No thanks. I made the original. No need for a cheap forgery.
BOTS (singing): We're warriors of the round table. We flame whenever
we're able.
> little as noble and as deservedly praiseworthy as the ability to flame
TOM SERVO: Mother Teresa ...
> with unimaginable intensity!
MIKE: If you are so all-powerful, can you make a flame so intense you
can't imagine it?
> Well, it is this person's ardent desire to unite the currently
TOM SERVO: Uh oh, lapsed into third-person-singular!
> fractious cadre of my Flame Warrior brothers and sisters.
CROW: Flatuent padre?
TOM SERVO: Must be talking about Steve Garvey.
> As a united
MIKE: Parcel Service worker once told me ...
> force, we would command even greater respect and honor. We could bear
CROW: Hey, that line's plagiarized form The Empire Strikes Back.
> our stats as Flame Warriors with pride. Our presence would evoke not
TOM SERVO: Stats?
MIKE: Led the league in attempted flames in 1988 and 1992. Caused
prediction of Imminent Death of the Net in 1993. Had .172 career Slugging
percentage. Elected into net.hall.of.fame, 1997.
> only fear, but awe and respect.
TOM SERVO: The last great flamer I respected was Rich Rosen, and you,
sir, are no Rich Rosen.
CROW: But we are all Rich Rosen!
TOM SERVO: Shhhhh.
> If you think you have the skills and the desire to become a Flame
MIKE: Send a video of yourself to The Saddledome, Calgary, Alberta.
> Warrior,
MIKE: Oops, that would be The Coliseum, Oakland, California.
> reply via email. Certainly you can see the potential for fun
CROW: In ripping the wings off of helpless little net.insects.
> and personal fulfillment such an elite organization would provide.
MIKE: Do you really get your jollies that way?
> If
> this organization is suited to you, I am sure you are already
> imagining scenarios which are forming a wide smile across your face.
MIKE: Nope, other organizations have that effect on me.
TOM SERVO: At least until you get Noveena as your singing spokeswoman.
> Note that this organization's purpose is not to overwhelm the
> internet with flames, nor is its purpose to foster flaming over a
CROW: Any relation to Foster Brooks?
> quality debate. It is more of a regulatory body, or a police force. It
TOM SERVO: It is not a flame war, it is a police action.
> flames when the need arises (though, ever now and again, ones skills
MIKE: Like now. Hey bozo, you missed an apostrophe and misspelled a
word!
> must be sharpened in preparation for a time when such skills might be
> vital!).
TOM SERVO: Yes, where would we have been in World War II without Flames?
> Flaming is truly both art and weapon.
CROW: Same with many sculptures.
> Indiscriminate flaming
> is a waste, and a quality Flame Warrior knows that quality always
MIKE: Is found in a line that has quality written twice.
> outweighs quantity (well, almost always <g>).
CROW: Mike, what kind of smiley is that?
MIKE: Looks like someone's gotten their face rearranged pretty badly.
> If you think you have the mettle to become a Flame Warrior, email
TOM SERVO: ... won't do. Post to every bloody newsgroup.
> your desire with haste.
CROW: Makes desire with waste.
> Soon, membership will be allowed only to the chosen.
> Respect and power is what we deserve, my friends. We shall
> have them, and we shall have one helluva a fun time earning them.
CROW: We make respect and power the old fashioned way. We uhhhn them.
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MIKE: Today's lesson is on improbable crossposts. Cambot, can you
bring up line 8?
> Followup-To: dc.general,misc.headlines,alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,alt.shenanigans
MIKE: Note the incongruous combination.
TOM SERVO: I don't know, when I think of Washington, today's headlines
and Rush Limbaugh, it all adds up to shenanigans.
MIKE: But that's exactly the point. If you look at things in the right
way, any crosspost makes sense.
CROW: Like rec.bicycles and talk.abortion?
MIKE: If Greg LeMond's wife terminated a pregnancy, that might very
well happen.
TOM SERVO: How about soc.culture.nordic, misc.test and sci.astro?
CROW: Hi, I'm new on the net, and I'm taking a test on Norwegian
astronomers next Friday. Can any of you help me out?
MIKE: What do you think, Sirs?
DR. F: What I think is Car For Sale in New Jersey that you should Was
Deckard A Replicant? really just Can Someone Post Cindy's Torment? oh
just push Test the button, Frank.
*
disclaimer: this is a work of satire and fiction. any resemblance to
real people in a non-satirical form is coincidental. any use of
characters created by best brains is for parody use only and neither is
for any profit, nor intends to infringe on their rights to them.
nothing here is meant a personal attack on anybody. it just has fun
with the net and certain things on it. so there.