[MiSTied] "#1, YOUR SEXUAL PSYCHE & Corporape"

[Melvin Harry Pollack]

(Author's Note: This is my first MiSTing. I've got 2 pieces, one of which
is probably the smallest post ever misted. Please send comments to me
at mpol...@glue.umd.edu. Here goes....)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Opening sequence and fade in. 1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SOL. Crow and Tom are huddled around a computer. Crow is holding a
thick book and is reading from it.]

Crow: All right. Now we have to toggle the dip switches while activating
the CD-Rom drive....
Mike: (walks in) Hey guys. Haven't you gotten the new game installed
yet?
Tom: Oh, we got it installed 3 days ago. But we haven't gotten past
the opening sequence yet. Maybe with the hint book....
Crow: I told you that Myst2 would be hard. If you had bothered to pay
attention to the game reviews....
Mike: (looks at panel) You'll have to get past that opening sequence
later. Looks like Colonel Clink and Sergeant Shultz are calling.

[D13]

Dr. F: Good afternoon, Hogan. I hope that you and your buddies enjoyed
the game that I sent. I couldn't believe that they could make the
sequel harder than the original, but they did it. Ready for the
invention exchange?

[SOL. Mike and Tom are wearing hats in similar shape to Crow's
headpiece.]

Mike: Today's invention was designed by Crow. Let's say that
you want to play lacrosse, but can't handle carrying those bulky
rackets.
Crow: Well, now you can, thanks to the Crow-ket. In addition to being a
great fashion statement, you can know play lacrosse at any time.
Watch.
[All three pass the ball around, lacrosse style, with their heads.]
Tom: As a special bonus, you can use it to pump cable channels directly
into your brain.
Crow: Hey!
Mike: Tom, that wasn't very nice. Besides, we can only get the major
networks.
Crow: Thanks.... HEY!!

[D13]

Frank: As you know, this experiment suffers from inefficiency. In order
to actually perform the experiment, we must first wait for someone
to post something truly awful. This causes massive gaps in
when an experiment can be held....
Dr F.: But now, we can perform experiments on schedule, thanks to our new
invention - the Ratliffier. (points to a computer with a bunch of
boxes attached to it.) Just hit a button and, viola', instant
Ratliff scripts. Watch. Frank, hit the button.

(Frank almost hits the button to turn off the show, but is stopped just in
time by Dr F.)

Dr F.: On the Ratliffier, stupid!

(Frank activates the Ratliffier. The boxes bleep and flash, and then they
explode.)

Dr F.: What happened?
Frank: I'm not sure. It produced a fanfic.... Here's the problem. You
left the spell checker on.
Dr F.: Damn. It must have scanned the fanfic, and committed suicide.
Well, my young friends, you're not getting out of today's
experiment *that* easily. Today, you get to preview a conspiracy
rant from the latest net.loon, John Dinardo. But first, I want
you to look at a piece of homophobia that's short and painful.

[SOL]

Mike: We've got *posting* sign....

[6...5...4...3...2...1...]

> > > Date: 16 Aug 1996 22:37:48 GMT
> From: Eisen Chao<ec...@thymaster.interaccess.com>

Crow: That's what I always say about thighmasters. Eech - Ow!

> Newsgroups: alt.apocalypse,alt.atheism, alt.bible.prophecy, alt.blasphemy,
> alt.christnet,alt.christnet.second-coming.real-soon-now,

Tom: alt.christnet.second-coming.real-soon-now.because-I-said-so.dammit.

> alt.drugs.culture,alt.drugs.pot.cultivation, alt.evil,

Mike: I've got a *bad* feeling about this.

> alt.individualism, alt.pagan,alt.psychoactives, alt.punk, alt.rave,
> alt.religi
> Subject: Re:GAY-CHRISTIAN-REPUBLICAN-GOD LOVES ME!...
>
>on.asatru,

Tom: Looks like someone's news reader is screwing up *big* time.

>alt.religion.wicca,alt.satanism,alt.zen,fidonet.bible,

Crow: Isn't fidonet what a dogcatcher uses?

>fidonet.church.state,rec.drugs.cannabis,talk.atheism,alt.spam,

Mike: I guess alt.spam needed an example.

>alt.life.sucks,soc.culture.african.american,alt.captain.sarcastic,

Tom: It's Captain Sarcastic, new from DC comics.
Crow: With his sidekick Bite Mi, he makes the world safe for wisecracks
everywhere.

>alt.angst,alt.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.bible.prophecy,alt. ra
>

All: Ra, ra. Sis, koom, bah!

> ve,alt.fashion,alt.censorship,alt.culture.internet,alt.culture.usenet,
>alt.magick,alt.mindcontrol,alt.nuke.the.USA,alt.parents-teens,alt.psy,
>alt.anonymous,alt.anonymous.messages,alt.anybody,

All: Anybody? ANYBODY??!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!

>alt.current-events.net-abuse.spam,alt.current-events.net-abuse,alt
>
> .internet.talk.bizarre,alt.hi.are.you.cute,

Crow: alt.hi.are.you.naive
Tom: alt.hi.are.you.ugly
Crow: alt.hi.do.you.have.a.life
Tom: alt.hi.I.donthave.alifeso.I.do.MiSTings-of.stupid-articles.
Mike: Guys, don't make fun. Those are probably real newsgroups.
Tom: Don't be silly. He would have crossposted to those groups if they
existed.

>alt.current-events.usa,alt.stupidity

Tom: Finally, a newsgroup that this post belongs to.
Mike: Quiet. I think the post is starting.
>
> Organization: InterAcces, Chicagolands best Internet Provider
> Reply-To: ec...@interaccess.com
> Distribution:
>
> Mot Yerachairam (t...@wam.umd.edu) wrote:

Crow [as Mot]: I *really* hate the name Yerachairam.
Tom [as Mot]: It took me ten years to learn how to spell it.
Mike [naturally as Mot]: And I also hate the name Mot. It sounds like
that company that makes applesauce.

> : God loves me because I am gay. God hates all christians who beleive
> : in hating gay lifestyle and gay love.

Tom: If you don't believe in my God, you go to "h - e - double hockey
sticks".
Crow: Hey, at least it isn't an "All Gay People Must Die" Christian
Coalition post.
Mike: No, but it will be. Brace yourself guys. Here comes the
response....

>
> "Silence is Death" so will you now please shut-up ?

Tom: Now that was short and stupid.

>

Tom: That's it?
Mike: Look's like it.
Tom: After taking the time to crosspost to every group on the web?
THAT'S IT?
Crow: Did you want it to be longer?
Tom: NO!!!! No, the length is good. Forget I said anything.
Mike: We will. Now lets get out of here.

>
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SOL main area. Mike, Tom and Crow are dressed up in lawyer - type
suits.]

Mike: Good evening, and welcome to another edition of MST Debates. I'm
the moderator, Mike Nelson. Today's topic is the desirability of
dropping spammers into volcanos. Tom Servo will take the
pro-drop side, while Crow T. Robot will defend spammers rights.
Tom: I think that spammers should be thrown into lava lakes. Spamming
creates major bandwidth problems, and the messages are usually stupid
and annoying.
Crow: Wait a second. We have a constitutional right to be stupid and
annoying. Besides, by following that logic, we'd have to throw
all the Congressmen into lava lakes.
Tom: That's not such a bad idea. I think the reason that Crow is
defending stupidity is because he belongs to the group.
Crow: Oh, yeah! Well silence is death, so shut up.
Tom: Well silence is golden, so become 24 carrots.
Mike: Uh, guys....
Crow: Yeah, well an apple a day keeps the doctor away, so get a disease
and a year's supply of apples.
Tom: Hey Crow, a fool and his money are soon parted, so where's my five
bucks?
Mike: *Guys*....
Crow: Oh, bite me. A watched pot never boils, so stick your head in a
pot and throw your watch out the window.
Tom: Yeah, well all that glitters is not gold....
Mike: GUYS! That's enough of the meanness. Now stop it, or I'll make
you watch the last three Republican conventions.
Tom: Noooo! Not that! I'll be good, I promise. It was just the
meanness of the last post.
Crow: Yeah, I'll be good. I swear.
Mike: That's good, because we have another *posting* sign.....

[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>
> Date: 20 Aug 1996 16:41:13 GMT
> From: John DiNardo <j...@etext.org>

Tom: What a great name. John The-Nerd-o.
Crow: Isn't he the guy who plays the messed-up holographic doctor?
Mike: No, you're thinking of Robert Picardo.

> Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.activism, alt.society.civil-liberty,
> alt.individualism, talk.politics.misc, misc.headlines, soc.rights.human,
> alt.censorship, alt.journalism, talk.politics.guns,
> alt.politics.radical-left, soc.veterans, soc.culture.usa
> Subject: #1, YOUR SEXUAL PSYCHE & Corporape

Crow: I have more than one sexual psyche?
Tom: Mike, what's Corporape?
Mike: I think that's what Microsoft and Intel try to do to their
competitors.

>
> ____ ____
> --____ ____---- ----____ ____---- ----____ ____--
> ---- ---- ----
> T H E P E O P L E'S S P E L L B R E A K E R
> ____ ____ ____
> __---- ----____ ____---- ----____ ____---- ----__
> ---- ----
> News They Never Told You .... News They'll Never Tell You

Tom: News that's not supposed to be told....
Crow: News that isn't news....

>
> DATE: _________ __, ____ PRICE: __ CENTS

Mike: This paper obviously has no cents.

>
>
> THE NEWSPAPER FOR THE PEOPLE OF
> NEVADA
>

Crow: That explains the obvious level of sophistication.

>
> * * * * * MORNING EDITION * * * * *
>

Tom: Hey, wasn't the date stamped as a quarter to five in the afternoon?
All: You're late.

>
> EDITOR: John DiNardo
>
> Part 1, YOUR SEXUAL PSYCHE & Corporape
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crow: Help. My sexual psyche is being attacked by worms.

>
> BOOK: "Subliminal AD-Ventures in Erotic Art"
> (formerly "The Clam-Plate Orgy")
> by Wilson Bryan Key

Crow: Do you want a great AD-Venture story?
Tom: Do you want to know more about clam plates?
Mike: Do you want to see why Francis Scott Key is rolling in his grave?
All: Read the book.

>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> "Several students and I dined at a nearby [Howard Johnson's]
> restaurant. Four of the six of us -- including myself -- ordered
> clam plates. I incredulously realized that I loathe clams in any
> form.

Tom: Does he always order what he doesn't like?
Mike: Only when he needs something to talk about.

> Only were I near starvation would I seriously consider eating
> fried clams. `It's entirely possible,' I remarked, `that someone
> has put something into our heads since we entered the restaurant.'"

Crow: It's too bad it wasn't a brain. He could really use one.

> "Each placemat was titled, `Dig Into Our Clam Plate,' but no one had
> consciously perceived the mat before placing their orders.

Tom: Nor did we realize that we had a napkin and silverware....
Crow: Nor did we consciously perceive that we were in a Howard Johnson's
until it was too late.
Mike: Why doesn't he just shut up and eat the clams like other people?
Bots: People actually eat clams? Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!

> At first glance, none of us could find anything which might have been so
> persuasive ...."
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////

Mike: But then we noticed that some strange slants were following us.

>
> Could subliminal imagery influence behavior so dramatically? For on
> closer examination, the placemat's illustration of fried clams
> actually depicts a number of caricatured figures engaged in an orgy!

Crow: And this is a bad thing?
Mike [warningly]: Crow....
Tom: Wait a minute. He was able to recognize this arrangement on a
placemat he didn't notice.
Mike: I guess so.
Tom: And what does this have to do about ordering clams?
Mike: Try not to apply any logic, Tom. You're head will just explode
again.

>
> Now, Wilson Bryan Key, author of the best-selling "Subliminal
> Seduction" and "Media Sexploitation",

Mike [as Beavis]: Heh, heh. He said "media".
Tom [as ButtHead]: Heh, heh.

> documents the devastating
> effects of subliminal stimuli on our individual and collective
> mental health.

Crow: They finally proved that commercials drive people nuts.
Tom: Your tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen.
Mike: Quiet. By saying the word ladies, we are obviously participating
in a plot to make the world a raunchier place just to sell a product.

> By dissecting advertisements and graphics from
> national magazines,

Crow [snotty soprano]: Now *class*. Today we will dissect an
advertisement and study the media oblongata.

> Key shows exactly how the media methodically,
> PURPOSELY shape our values with hidden images, usually perceived
> only by the unconscious mind

Tom: Until we go to enough orgies to be able to recognize one on a clam
plate.
Crow: I think someone's values have already been shaped.

> -- and against which we are powerless
> to defend ourselves.

Mike: Obviously, he's never heard of the term 'remote control'.

>
> From liquor advertisements strewn with grotesque death heads, to
> margarine illustrations concealing phallic imagery,

Crow: Really? Hey guys, do you mind if I get a snack?
Mike: Sit down, Crow.
Tom: Nice try, though.

> to five-dollar
> bills with "SEX" imbedded in the engraving,

Tom: Oh, those wacky government agents.
Mike: So that's their new method of spotting forgeries. If you don't
feel good after seeing a five dollar bill, it must be a phony.

> subliminals appeal to
> our two strongest taboos --

Mike: School prayer and racism?
Tom: Murder and drug dealing?
Crow: Gingrich and Dole?

> sex and death --

All: Doh, we should have guessed that.

> solely to promote
> products.

Mike [southern accent]: We shouldn't have to put up with no talk about
sex or death. Those damn advertising yankees....

>
> Citing new research, Wilson Key offers frightening evidence that
> subliminals are not just a dirty joke.

Crow: No, but this post is.
Tom: What's dirty about it?

> Subliminals act as
> psychological triggers

Mike: Obviously, they couldn't get the Supremes.

> whose coercive, indoctinating effects can
> occur months, even years after the original exposure.

Tom: Yes, just one thought of sex in adolescence could scar you for life.
Crow: You might even want to have children....

> Subliminals
> may well reinforce our ever-increasing addiction to alcohol

Tom: I'm Tom, and I'm alcoholic thanks to a car ad.
Crow: I'm Crow, and I'm an alcoholic thanks to a political ad.
Mike: I'm Mike, and I'd just like to point out that political ads can
cause anyone to drink.

> and
> tobacco, blur our ability to tell fantasy from reality,

Tom [as Dinardo]: I saw an Infinity ad, and the next thing I know, I'm
writing this post. If this doesn't prove it, nothing will.

> and bend our
> entire society toward overconsumption and self-indulgence.

Mike: Instead of letting us do it, ourselves.

>
> For the first time, Wilson Key documents his personal battles with

Tom: The tobacco, alcohol and sex addictions caused by Pepsi.

> the advertising and government establishments -- [constituting]
> strong evidence that industry will NOT control itself,

Mike: Crow, don't say a word.

> and that
> government won't enforce its own regulations. What, then can be done?

Crow: We can enforce the government regulations instead. With force.
Mike: Keep talking like that and you'll have to move to Montana.

> Wilson Bryan Key outlines a bold but practical scenario to eliminate
> subliminals from our daily lives -- possibly by restricting the use
> of advertising itself!

Tom: Boy, what some people will do to not bother with ads.
Mike: I like the way that he's *so* specific about what's needed.

>
> "Dr. Lloyd Silverman and his colleagues, in New York University's
> Department of Mental Health, subjected mental patients to high-
> speed flashes of light in which pictures or verbal instructions
> were imbedded.

Crow: Fun with crazy people, on the next Geraldo.

> Silverman and his group were able to both
> increase and decrease psychopathological symptoms ...."

Mike: Defined as "How many malpractice suits we received."

>
> Provocative, enlightening, and often grimly funny,
> "THE CLAM-PLATE ORGY" bears a message that no person in this
> media-dominated age can afford to ignore.

All [Darth Vader]: Do not underestimate the power of the stupid post.

>
> ////////////////////////////////////////

Mike: Oh, look. More slants.
Tom [Reagan]: Well, there he goes again.

>
> Wilson Bryan Key's "SUBLIMINAL SEDUCTION" and "MEDIA SEXPLOITATION"
> first exposed the widespread use of subliminals in mass media.
> Dr. Key received his Ph.D. in Communication from the University of
> Denver,

Crow: Well, that explains why he knows so much about psychology.
Tom: And just look at the Ivy League education that he received.
Mike: Everyone knows that Liberal Arts majors from Denver are geniuses.
No need for any of them to offer proof.

> has served as professor of journalism at four different
> universities,

Crow: In four months.

> and is a lecturer widely sought by colleges
> throughout the U.S.A. and Canada.

Mike: Not to mention government officials, police, mental hospitals....

> President of MEDIAPROBE: The Center for the Study of Media, Inc.,
> Dr. Key currently lives in Reno, Nevada.

Tom: Where he is fighting a gambling addiction brought on by Dick Clark.

> ~~ TO BE CONTINUED ~~

All: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> To receive an episode of these many series in your e-mail box
> each weekday,

Tom: He can think of stupid things to write about every day?
Crow: Now that's a skill no college can teach you.

> just send an e-mail message with the word
> "SUBSCRIBE" in the "Subject" line, to j...@locust.cic.net .

Mike: We send it to locusts?

>
> I urge you to post the episodes of

Tom: the Starship Enterprise....
Mike: Tom....
Tom: Well, *someone* had to say it.

> this ongoing series

Crow: It definitely feels ongoing. As in forever.

> to other
> newsgroups, networks, computer bulletin boards and mailing lists.
> It is also important to post hardcopies on the bulletin boards
> in campus halls, churches, supermarkets, laundromats, etc. --
> any place where concerned citizens can read this vital information.

Tom: Then watch as the concerned citizens take you to a mental hospital.

> Our people's need for Paul Reveres and Ben Franklins is as
> urgent today as it was 220 years ago.

Crow: Help. The perverts are coming. The perverts are coming.
Mike: Quick. We need to do something useful. Dinardo, you fly the kite
during the storm....

>
> John DiNardo j...@locust.cic.net
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Tom [Scotty]: I cannot take much more of this.
Mike: Relax, we're almost done. This is the .sig file.
Crow: Thank goodness.

> | If we seriously listen to this God within us [conscience, if you will], |
> | we usually find ourselves being urged to take the more difficult path, |
> | the path of more effort rather than less. |

Tom: You mean like reading this post.
Crow: It certainly takes a lot of effort.
Mike: Yeah, but only a cruel God would make us do it.

> | .... Each and every one of us, more or less frequently, will hold |
> | back from this work

Tom: After all that work, I need someone to hold my back.
Crow: Hold your own back. I wouldn't touch it if you paid me.

.... Like every one of our ancestors before us, |
> | we are all lazy. So

Mike: ...lets just accept it and call it a night.

original sin does exist; it is our laziness.|
> | |
> | M. Scott Peck |
> | THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED |
> /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>

Tom: Ow. Even his quotes are painful.
Crow: And long winded. Doesn't anyone appreciate brevity anymore?
Mike: Relax. It's over.

>
>
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[Mike and Tom are reading. Crow comes in holding a container of
margarine.]

Crow: They gypped us. There aren't any dirty pictures on the tub.
Mike: No, no. They're subliminal. You're not supposed to see them.
Tom: It's impossible to perceive the pictures, including the corn picture
on the label.
[Mike and Tom turn to address the camera. Crow gets behind them.]
Mike: All in all, we would just like to say
Crow [whispering]: Send us 50 dollars.
Mike: that our show does not
contain any subliminal messages.
Crow: Send us 50 dollars.
Tom: That's right. While our competitors take every opportunity to
Crow: Send us 50 dollars.
Tom: do so, we feel that such a practice would be unethical
Crow: Send us 50 dollars.
Tom: and would
only add to the sexual depravity seen today.
Crow: Send us some hot babes, too.
Mike: As a result, we give our guarantee. We will *not* use subliminal
messages in any way
Crow: Send us 50 dollars.
Mike: just to make a quick buck. What do you think,
sirs?

[D13. Dr F. is looking at a margarine tub and is clearly getting excited.
He sees that the cameras are on him, drops the tub, and struggles to
compose himself.]

Dr F.: Er... Ummm.... That's fine. Excellent job. Frank!

Frank: Hang on. I'm writing a check to the SOL for 50 dollars.

Dr F.: Just push the button, Frank.

Frank: All right. I'm producing fanfics now.

[Dr F. shruggs his shoulders and turns off the show.]

Dr F.: Hey Frank. DEEP HURTING!!!!

[Credits and Fade Out.]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all characters are trademarks of
and copyright (c) 1994 by Best Brains, inc. Best Brains have absolutely
no idea about this post, so don't call them up and complain.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks by Best
Brains, inc., is intended or should be inferred.

This post is copyrighted (c) 1996 by Melvin Pollack. Use of this article
or parts of this article for any purpose other than entertainment requires
my express permission.

This post is for entertainment purposes, and was not designed to insult
any particular person or group. Any and all offensive remarks are
completely accidental. To any people or groups that are offended, I
sincerely apologize and wish to stress that the offense was not
intentional.

This post was written without causing pain to any animals. Void where
prohibited. Post no bills.