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MiSTed: AutoNet

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Steve Brinich

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Dec 19, 1994, 9:56:15 PM12/19/94

[We join Mystery Usenet Theater 3000, already in progress]

Dr F: --and I've taken the profits from selling my new SuperPrecision
Clocks to cable TV stations and invested them in my new project, which
is a revolutionary new GUI operating shell -- er, operating *system*.
It looks easier to use than anything on the market, but actually has
twice the potential for irreversable data-destroying mistakes!

Tom: Ah... you might have some copyright infringement problems on that....
Crow: Yeah -- Bill Gates has some of the most ferocious lawyers to be
found outside the jungles of Borneo.

Dr F: Oh, piffle! True, Windows is evil, but it can't begin to compare
to this. For instance, look at Frank here [camera pulls back to show
TV's Frank working at a computer]. He's getting ready to send you
today's experiment -- but, look here, he just accidentally performed a
DOD-spec Wipe Delete on it!

[DEEP 13 -- Frank cringes. Dr F just stands there, grinning.]

[SOL -- Mike and the bots watch and look more and more puzzled, as if
expecting something that has inexplicably failed to occur.]

Mike: Well?

Dr F: [still grinning] "Well", what?

Tom: Aren't you going to get mad at Frank and hit him with a cattle prod
or something?

Dr F: [still grinning] Why should I do that?

Mike: Because now you don't have an experiment to send us.

Dr F: [laughs] Mike, Mike, Mike... you should *know* better by now.
You're still getting today's experiment; the Net has *lots* of copies.

Crow: Uh-oh....

Dr F: You guessed it, my little 7-10 split -- a heaping helping of
CANNED SPAM! And now, before Frank *does* manage to cancel every one...

[Dr F moves over to the keyboard and types in a few arcane commands.]

[SOL -- Usual alarms and pandemonium as experiment begins.]

[OPENING DOOR SEQUENCE]

>alt.censorship #32880 (1 + 226 more) [1]--[1]

Tom: So are they pro or con when it comes to censorship?
Crow: I have a feeling this post is going to make converts for the
"pro" side...

>From: jean.m...@lunatic.com (Jean Merrick)

Mike: Hey, it's the Elephant Man's sister!
Tom: Yeah -- the "Buffalo Gal"....
All: [hum "Buffalo Gal, Won't You Come Out Tonight?...."]

>[1] GREAT NEWS !

Crow: I have been permanently disconnected from the Net.

>Date: Mon Dec 12 18:21:00 EST 1994
>Distribution: world
>Organization: The Lunatic Fringe BBS -

Mike: Truth in advertising!

> Richardson, Tx - (214) 235-5288
>Lines: 83
>

>............................................................
>... ...
>.... Auto-Net Internet Automation v3.0 ....
>... ...
>............................................................
>

Tom; [pitchman voice] Yes, folks, with new Internet *Automation*, there's
no longer any need to manually copy posts to hundreds, if not thousands,
of sites....

>AutoNet will be appearing in an Upcoming Internet BOOK

Crow: A book about the Internet? What a concept!

>from Que Publishing.

Tom: [Q voice] My publications are beyond the scope of your pitiful minds.

> Make sure and look for it!
>

>=-=-=-=-=-= NEW! =-=-=-=-=-=-
>

>*** New graphical, colorful interface! ***
>

>Added ability to specify PORT, PROVIDER, and SPEED inside Autonet.cfg
>Current command sent to modem is now displayed on the title bar

Mike: [Sally Struthers voice] Would you like to see the current modem
command on the title bar?
Tom: Sure! We all would!

>Now has DIRECT CONNECT option for people with direct TcpIp access.
>Main menu added.

Tom: [cheesy French accent] Garcon, ze main menu, si vous plait!

>Converted some windows to explosion-style windows.

Mike: I hope they include safety goggles with this thing....

>Add graphical effects to some menus when they close.
>Enhanced UQWK support for both personal and USENET group reading
>Added UPLOAD capability

Crow: Is there *no end* to their revolutionary new advances??

>Added GETMAIL.1 and SENDMAIL.1 agendas, showing how to use UQWK for offline
>mail reading/responding.
>

>AUTONET OFFERS:

Tom: To bring meaning into your drab, wretched, existence.

>Download TERABYTES of Internet files without forcing you to sit in front of
>your computer for hours.

Crow: Forget the software -- tell us about this modem that will download
*terabytes* of files in a couple hours!

> FREE new file leeching.

Mike: Yuck! Who wants to download files after everybody leeched them?

>Perform ARCHIE searches for files, at a variety of archie sites.
>

>Mail your letters automatically, even to hundreds of recipients.

Crow: Annoy people wholesale!

>Allows super-advanced Internet access using a SHELL account.

Mike: How about a Mobil or Exxon account?

> No expensive
>SLIP/PPP accounts required.
>

>Does FINGER searches quick and easy, and captures them into a
>file of your choice.
>

>Upload/Download files, FAX your associates across the Internet,
>FINGER, .QWK packets, USENET mail, LEECH Internet sites, all without
>being home!
>

>Full mouse support, hammers at Internet sites

Tom: I'd like to take a hammer to *his* site....

> that are busy, obtain the
>latest sports, weather, and daily info, uses personal "signature file",

Mike: I don't think I want some computer signing my name to things.

>Download Usenet BINARY files, post Usenet messages - up to 1,000 of them

Tom: Alienate and offend thousands of people automagically!

>Fax people from the Internet, has "enhanced" terminal mode, complete with
>hotkeys and menus.
>

>Find the latest new files and games..

Crow: Like "PC Politician"!

> WHILE YOU'RE NOT HOME!

Tom: Oh, great, now your hard disk fills up with crap all by itself!

>Learn how to navigate the Internet with AutoNet's TEACH mode.

Mike: [HAL voice] "Good morning, Doctor Chandra, I'm ready for my first
lesson now...."
Tom: Hey! Good one!

>Use an advanced scripting language to complete all your tasks.
>

>Get updates to your favorite programs automatically - direct
>from their support Internet site.

Crow: And pay for them automatically by electronically diverting funds
from secret CIA accounts!

>Access the Internet with super-speed.

Mike: I think I saw the Flash do that once.
Crow: Fanboy.

> You cannot type as fast
>as AutoNet can stuff the keys for you!
>

>Get a free TRIAL

Tom: ["Dragnet" announcer voice] Jean Merrick was found guilty of spamming
the Net, and sentenced to 25 megs of flaming.

> copy from local bulletin boards (filename AUTONT30.ZIP):
>

>FREQ: AUTONET from 1:124/7017
>or mail: SEND AUTONET to aut...@unicomp.net
>

>AVRock - no login needed!

Crow: Or desired.

> (214) 606-1485
>Hogard Software Solutions (214) 641-6292
>Blues Cafe

All: [hum a few blues riffs]

> (214) 638-1181
>MindLink

Tom: [Spock voice] Our minds are merging... our minds are one...

> (214) 221-9672
>TechLine (214) 317-4345
>

>Internet: wuarchive.wustl.edu /pub/MSDOS_UPLOADS/utils
>

>The author may be contacted: aut...@unicomp.net CompuServe: 71441,2723
>

>___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
>

>----
>-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>The Lunatic Fringe BBS * 214-235-5288 * 3 nodes * Richardson, TX*
>UseNet,ILink,RIME,FIDO,Intelec,LuciferNet,PlanoNet,U'NI-net and more!
>Free 30 Day Trial Subscription * Upload/Download on First Call!!

[CLOSING DOOR SEQUENCE]

[SOL -- Crow is sitting at the computer, typing and chuckling evilly.
Gypsy enters from stage right.]

Gypsy: [reading over Crow's shoulder] "Hello, my name is Dave Rhodes...."
Why are you impersonating this Dave Rhodes?
Crow: I'm not impersonating Dave Rhodes! I'm impersonating Dr. Forrester!
Gypsy: Then why aren't you using Dr. Forrester's name?
Crow: I am -- when I forge a header for this puppy!

[Tom Servo enters from stage right.]

Tom: What's this about forging headers? [reads over Crow's shoulder]
MAKE.MONEY.FAST?!? What are you trying to do, get our site e-mailbombed
out of existence??
Crow: Nope -- I'm trying to get Deep 13 e-mailbombed out of existence.
This is going out with a forged header from Dr. Forrester!
Gypsy: I think Dr. Forrester's evil is rubbing off on you, Crow.
Tom: Yeah! Besides, that won't work, anyway.
Crow: How can it not work? If Deep 13's Net access is clogged, they
won't get any incoming posts for a while. No posts, no Usenet
experiments. QED.
Tom: How about e-mail experiments from the hate mail they'll get?

[All pause for a beat. Crow's jaw drops.]

Crow: [laughs nervously] Of course, it was just a thought experiment.
Of course, I would never actually *do* anything like this....

[Crow turns off the computer. Immediately after he does so, the screen
shrinks to black in the usual manner.]

Dr F: [voiceover] Frank! You've wired The Button to the Umbilicus again!

\ | / Mystery Science Theater 3000 and associated characters
\ | / are the property of Best Brains, Inc. and used here
\|/ for satirical purposes only.
----O----
/|\ This post is not meant as a personal attack upon
/ | \ the original author (but rather as an impersonal
/ | \ attack upon his ideas and level of logical argument).

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