MiSTed: "Doctor, Samuel Beckett" 3/5

[The Clown]

Continued from Part 2...

> "Er... I've left something behind in the TARDIS" Sam said. "Could I
>just pop back and get it?"
> "By all means, Doctor. But remember that it's Chancellor Flavia that
>is being kept waiting."

Crow: Yeah, spit spot and all that rot, hayseed.

> Sam turned and ran back towards the TARDIS, trying hard not to trip
>over the huge scarf. "It really is hot in here." he thought. "I'll see if
>I can change into something more comfortable."

Crow: This is a family show, Paul!

> He reached that TARDIS and the doors seemed to open automatically.
>He
>walked in, and began to explore the corridors like before. He seemed to
>remember a store-room full of clothes. It took a few minutes to find, but
>he
>managed to rid himself of the thick coat, waistcoats and such. He found a
>pair of thin trousers and an Umpire's overcoat to wear. On an impulse, he
>picked up a recorder which was also in the room. "Not bad, and a bit
>cooler" he thought, looking in a mirror.

Mike: [Announcer's voice] For calling fouls or saving the universe, the
Umpire Super-Fit Deluxe is the coat for the official on the go.

>He left the recorder on top.

Mike: Awww...

> Sam looked again in the mirror: a large, bulky frame with a friendly
>face that looked equally right smiling a toothy grin and also stern,
>serious. Large frizzy hair sprouted from his head.

Crow: While sprouts frizzed under his feet.

> "Hmmm... I could get used to that", he thought.
>
>
> "Doctor...?" Tina said, tapping his cheek lightly.

Tom: [Woman] Honey? Couldn't you get just a little aroused?

>The Doctor seemed
>out cold. Abruptly he sat bolt upright.
> "I'm fine, Sarah. Just watch out for that yeti!" he said, and collapsed
>again.

Mike: [Fake laughter] Ha ha! It's so funny when they make continuity
references like that! Ha ha!

> "What's wrong with him?" Al asked.
> "I'm not sure," Gooshie replied. "He is, after all, alien and so it
>could be anything. I presume that he's suffering from hallucinations
>because
>his mind is in the wrong body. I think he should be given some
>tranquilisers so he can have a good sleep."

Mike: Good one, Gooshie! Dope up the defenseless alien! Jeez, I'd hate for
you guys to meet E.T.

> At that point, Ziggy's alarms went off again. "I have lost contact
>with Doctor Beckett again."

Tom: Damn Bell Atlantic...

> "Has he leaped?" Al asked.
> "Negative."
> "He must be backl in the TARDIS" Al said. "I'll get back into the
>chamber."

Mike: [Doom-laden voice] Welcome to the Chamber of...Doug McClure!
All: [Maniacal laughing]

> The Doctor sat back up again. "Doctor Beckett and I have swapped
>bodies, it is possible he has triggered a regeneration, which is why..." the
>Doctor screamed again, and cluched his chest. "Two hearts... one heart.
>Cold,
>blood temperature too cold. Don't you understand, Brigadier?" he asked Al.
>"I'm suffering from a regeneration crisis which could leave us both
>unconcious..."

All: Oh no!
Tom: The fic'll stop completely if that happens!

>
>
>
> Part Five
> ~~~~~~~~~
>
> The figure stared at his dials, and was confused.

Tom: Regular? I thought I set this thing on Fine Washables.

>He had been following
>his adversary for so long, biding his time, knowing that he only had the
>energy for one last attack.

Crow: So, he's switched to Energizers?

>And yet, before his eyes, the adversary had
>disappeared, as if he had been taken out of time altogether.
> "That can mean only one thing..." he said to himself.

Mike: The BBC's having an anniversary special.

>He began to make plans.
>
>
> "Doctor...?" Tina asked, holding a wet flannel to the Doctor's
>forehead. "Are you okay?"
> "I... I'm fine, thank you. Just a little shaken." The Doctor stood,
>and shook his head as if to clear it. "You must excuse my behaviour, it
>may become a little... erratic from now on. Please don't trouble
>yourselves,
>there isn't anything you can do for me. Now, I need some time on my own
>in order to recouperate." Turning away, the Doctor muttered to himself "I
>wish I had the TARDIS here, I need the zero room..."

Tom: Or even a multiple of four room.

> "Gooshie!" The Doctor exclaimed. "Show me the holographic
>projection room control program!"
> "I better check up on Sam..." Al said.

Crow: Little goober gets all weepy and piddles on the carpet if you
leave him alone for five minutes.

>
>
> Sam had entered the TARDIS some time ago, and was getting a little
>fed up. The Doctor had told him (through Al) to remain inside this strange
>craft, and yet he was keeping Chancellor Flavia waiting by doing so. She
>sounded quite important... perhaps he had better see what she wanted.
>Sam opened the doors of the TARDIS and walked out. He found Al waiting
>for him.

Mike: [Falsetto] Where have you been, young man?

> "Al... what's going on?"
> "The Doctor is suffering from some sort of illness, something to do
>with being in the wrong body. Things aren't going well back there."
> "Things aren't too good here either, Al! What am I supposed to be
>doing?"

Tom: Screwing someone's life up like you always do?

> "I'm not sure. Ziggy just can't figure it out. I guess you'll just have
>to muddle through until..." Al's image crackled once more, and flickered
>on and off.
> "Until _what_, Al?"

Crow: Until the series is cancelled! Jeez, do you have to have everything
explained in intricate detail?

> The image remained silent, then vanished.
>
>
> "...and so this subroutine controls the size of the projection."
>Gooshie said. The Doctor and Gooshie were wading through the Imaging
>Chamber source code

Tom: I hope they remembered to wear their silicon hip waders.

>to attempt to change the view that Sam could see at the other
>end. The Doctor desperately needed the TARDIS to return, so that he could

Crow: ...Get the hell out of Leapland.

>recouperate inside the Zero room.
> "I don't understand any of this" Al said. "Why do you keep on changing
>personality? My third... fourth, no seventh wife was like that..."
> "I have no wish to know about your personal life, young man." the
>Doctor said. "Time Lords have the ability to regenerate, in other words to

Mike: ...Be replaced by another actor.

>be
>reborn, twelve times. Rather like the mythical cat which has nine lives.
>Memories are preserved throughout the changes. Regenerations are not
>always
>successful, for example the Time Lord that is regenerating must be in a

Tom: ...Frilly little pink number.

>complete body and not scattered in pieces. I fear the worst: that since I
>am not in my own body, and as my mind is growing weaker in this Human
>body,
>I will not be able to regenerate again. Certainly, the longer I stay in >Doctor
>Beckett's body the less likely I will be able to regenerate ever again. The
>next regeneration, if it occurs at all, is likely to be weak and partially
>unstable.

Mike: [Sublime sigh] Ahhhhhhhh...
Crow: Mike? You okay?
Tom: Don't worry, Crow. That's just the fanboy endorphin rush.

>And if we do not swap back at all, I will most likely die here and
>Doctor Beckett, if his mind can handle being in a Time Lord's body, will
>die also upon my next Regeneration."

Tom: We seem to be wandering into some very Tolkien-ish regions here.

>
>
> Chancellor Flavia's working quarters in the Capitol on Gallifrey
>were, perhaps, more luxurious than functional, but then Time Lords were
>always strong on ceremony and less so on actually getting things
>done.

Mike: That doesn't help explain the chains, though.

>They preferred
>others to do their dirty work for them, such as when they requested the
>Doctor to destroy the Daleks for them. The Doctor was a special case.

Crow: He got his very own cell with rubber walls and nurses in riot gear.

> The luxury was not lost upon Sam, it is possible for a member of one
>culture to appreciate the luxuries of another, though not necessarily to
>enjoy them. Sam entered the room, accompanied by the Castellan.
> "Leave us, Castellan." Chancellor Flavia said. The Castellan gave her
>a dirty look, but obeyed her wishes.

Mike: [Sing-song] o/~ Meanie, meanie, two-by-four. o/~

>Unseen to both Sam and the
>Chancellor, a new pillar appeared in the corner of the room.

Mike: [Sing-song] o/~ Hm-hm-hm. I don't see you, new pillar, I don't see
you. Hm-hm-hm... o/~

> "Do not stand on ceremony, Doctor. You are, after all, the President
>Elect and it should be you giving me permission to sit."

Tom: But Simon didn't say!

> "But the Castellan said that I wasn't President..."
> "A mere formality, Doctor. And pay no attention to the Castellan,
>he is merely jealous. He is still wary of you since the assasination of the
>President by the Master. Indeed, he has spoken to Cardinal Borusa and
>intends
>to have your invokation of presidency revoked. Nonetheless, the honour
>lies with you unless you intend to decline the opportunity."

Mike: I wonder what it would have been like if Lee Harvey Oswald had
become President after Lincoln?

> "...And I am here now to inform you of my decision."
> "Yes, Doctor. So, how is it to be?"
> "Oh, boy!" said Sam.

Crow: All right! Another chance to screw up some innocent person's life!

>
>
> "Hmmm..." thought the figure, looking though his view-screen. "That
>is
>not the Doctor I know. He is not sure of himself. And why is he dressed so
>differently? A new regeneration, perhaps? Can I exploit this change of
>personality to my advantage?"

Tom: Mmm...no.

> The figure flicked a few switches in front of him, and the pillar
>vanished from Chancellor Flavia's office.
> "Perhaps now is the time to rid myself of that meddling Doctor!"

Tom: And his meddlesome metal mutt too! Adios, Sammy! It's time to
vamoose!
[They exit in various stages of vamoosing.]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

[SOL Bridge. The lights are even dimmer than normal, almost pitch black.
Tom's sitting behind a bank of monitors and various electronic what-not
with their backs to us. His attention is jumping from one to another, the
light flickering sickly on his bubble.]
Tom: Yes...yes...just a little higher in the bandwidth. Adjust the UHF
reception...almost...
[Mike walks in from the right, saying "Lights on" as he enters.]
Mike: Hey, Tom. Whatcha doin'?
Tom: [Outraged] What?! Mike! Turn those lights off! I must have perfect
conditions!
Mike: [Hastily] Lights off! [They do so.] Sorry, Tom. What's so important?
Tom: [Testily] If you'll just wait a minute, I'll explain. The convergence is
almost upon us.
Mike: So where's Babylon 5? [Tom growls] Sorry. But really, what are you
doing with all this stuff? [Double-takes] Hey! This is my entire
entertainment system!
Tom: Relax, Mike, relax! I just needed to borrow it to obtain the clearest
picture possible.
Mike: But of what?
Tom: You see, Mike, thanks to our current position in time and space, we're
at precisely the correct location to receive --
[Gypsy enters from the right, calling out "Lights." They brighten
accordingly.]
Gypsy: Hey, Servo, what's with the lights?
Tom: Lights off! [Lights darken again] Careful, Gyps! I've got some very
important equipment running here.
Gypsy: [Quiet voice] I'm sorry, Tom. [Pause] Can I watch?
Tom: Sure, Gypsy! Always nice to have a few extras on hand to witness my
ascension to godhood. [To Mike] Now, as I was saying, we're at
precisely the correct location to receive --
[Crows enters now from the left, shouting "Lights!" as he does.]
Tom: [Shouting at the top of his little tin lungs] Off! Off off off off off!!!
Magic Voice: [Voice-only, of course] Jeez, Servo, relax. Make up your
minds, why don't you? I'm not just a talking lightswitch you know.
[Lights dim once more.]
Tom: [Tight and threatening] Okay. Now. Will anyone else be joining us?
[All look around and shake their heads.]
Mike: Nope, you're safe, Servo.
Tom: Okay. Now, once more, we're at precisely the correct location for a
once-in-a-lifetime chance receive one of the most important
television transmissions in the history of human civilization.
Mike: I have an uneasy feeling as to what you're talking about...
Tom: -- And I intend to be there ready with a VCR.
Crow: Tom, what you're doing is mad! There are some things man was not
meant to see. This is one of them!
Tom: No way, Crow! This is my epiphany, my apotheosis! After this day,
fanboys everywhere will worship me as the god I deserve to be!
Mike: You mean you'll be worshipped as a god if we ever get back to Earth.
Tom: Details, details. [Looks at the screen] It's time! Ha ha! Get ready
Anorak Hall of Fame! Move over Miss Bjo "I saved 'Star Trek'"
Trimble! Outta the way, Phillip "I'm a fan" Segal! And make room
George "Episodes IV through VI, *then* I through III" Lucas! Tom
Servo's top of the totem pole now!
[A crackling of static, then a reedy announcer's (Paul's) voice in a
snooty British accent.]
Announcer: -- This is BBC1. And now the final installment of the thrilling
science fiction serial "Doctor Who and the Tenth Planet."
Tom: Now! Start the tape!
Mike: [Confused] Which button?!
Tom: The red one!
[That familiar music starts.]
Mike: There are like six of them!
Tom: Hurry, pick one! Any one!
[Too late. The Klaxons of Doom sound. Mike grabs Tom and they and Crow
head out stage left.]
Tom: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Commercials.]
[Tom's cry of anguish continues as the planet logo spins.]

[As they enter the theatre, Tom is literally weeping.]
Tom: How could you? How could you? Just a few seconds more! Just one
second would have been enough! I could have been a god! Oh, damn you
who made me without real hands! Damn you!
Mike: Tom? You all right?
Tom: Go away.

>
>
>
> Part Six
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> "So, Doctor, what is it to be?" Chancellor Flavia asked. Sam was very
>quietly panicking. What should he say? He presumed he should say yes,
>but... where was Al when he needed him?

Crow: With Brenda from Accounting...

> "Can I have a few hours to consider? I've been a little... busy lately
>and haven't had much time to myself to think. I..."

Mike: [Sam] I need my happy place.

>Sam stopped talking and placed his hand against his head.
> "Doctor, are you feeling alright?" the Chancellor asked.
> "Er... no, I fell a little drowsy." he replied. Chancellor Flavia
>placed her gloved hand over his forehead.

Tom: [Flavia] Your forehead seems cool enough -- oh, wait, that's my
glove.

> "Hmmm... you seem alright. I'll have the guard take you to a place of
>rest."

Crow: Why can't these people just say "bedroom"?

> "Thank... you, that would be most... kind." Sam replied. He felt as
>if his head was burning, as though he was coming down with a fever.
>
>
>
> "So, Gooshie, if I were to do this..." said the Doctor,

Tom: ...I'd quickly blow us all to kingdom come.

>fiddling about
>with some loose wires inside Ziggy's circuitry, "then we should be able
>to, ah." A little smoke curled up from Ziggy's control panel, and the
>Doctor swiftly connected the wires back up as they were before.
> "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Al asked.

Crow: Nah!

> "Of course I do, Brigadier."
> "Admiral."

Mike: [Chekov] We hef found the nu-cle-ar wessels, admeeril.

> "Sorry, Admiraaaaaagh!!!" the Doctor said, and clutched the left-hand
>side of his chest again.
> "It's this body...

Mike: It's a 44 waist!

>so much pain!" he managed to say, before passing
>out once more. Two of the on-site nurses rushed over and took the Doctor
>into one of the surgery rooms.
> "I hope he's going to be alright," Tina said.
> "So do I, otherwise we might never get Sam back." Al replied.
>"Gooshie, do you know what he's trying to do?"
> "Sort of," Gooshie replied. "He's trying to create a holographic mock
>up of his so-called central console,

Tom: [Gooshie] But we all know there's no such thing, so that's why
it's so-called.

>so that he can explain to Doctor Beckett how to bring the craft back here.
>The problem is re-writing Ziggy's control
>code and re-wiring the curcuitry so she can display

Crow: ...The Top Hat Channel.

>any object, not just you, Al."
> "Why can't I just go there and show him what to do?" Al asked.
> "Two reasons. One, we cannot project a hologram into the TARDIS,
>because of the

Mike: ...Cheesy plot device.

>energy field protection it has. Two, we can only sustain a
>one-way projection, so although he would be able to see you, you wouldn't
>be able to see anything. The plan is to project the holographic console
>right outside the TARDIS, and show Sam which switches to use etc."
> "I see. Well, do you know enough to continue without the Doctor's
>help?"
> "I can write the software and handle the wiring, I suppose, but only
>the Doctor knows how his console is set out. Without him... I just don't
>know what we can do."

Mike: Forget about it all and go back to bed?
Crow: Find new jobs?
Tom: Find a *good* 'fic writer?

>
>
>
> Sam lay on a comfortable couch, somewhere in the guest quarters in
>the
>Capitol on Gallifrey. His time was split between trying to work out what
>he
>would say to Chancellor Flavia when she returned, where the hell Al had
>got
>to, and why he was feeling so awful. He had removed the large jacket and
>pull-over, and was left in shirt and trousers. But he was still rather too
>warm for his own liking. He was busy going through his physiological
>brain to discover a potential medical reason.

Mike: How many brains does Sam have? The world may never know.
Tom: Or care.

> Some time had passed, and he had learnt a few worrying things about
>the
>body he was in. Most worrying of all was that his skin colour was a little
>redder than usual - high blood pressure? He put his hand to his chest to
>check his heart rate, and nearly stopped them altogether. Them. He had
>two hearts! No wonder he was feeling very odd... he had leapt either into
a >medical marvel,

Crow: Marvel at the man with an extra nostril!

>or into an... alien. And given how bizarre everything had been on this leap...

Tom: ...There's was absolutely no way it could be an alien. Uh-uh. Nada.

> He heard a strange grinding sound, and a tall pillar appeared in the
>room with him. A tall bearded man, dressed in black, seemed to dance
>from behind the pillar and came to greet Sam.

Mike: o/~ With a ho-ho-ho, and a ha-ha-ha, and a couple of tra-la-la's... o/~

> "Doctor, at last I've caught up with you!" he said, almost in a jolly
>mood. "You're _such_ an elusive fellow, we never get time to talk."

Tom: Tell me, honey. How are you? Be honest.

> "Er... hello," Sam said. "It's been... a long time." Al, where the
>_hell_ are you?
> "...and Borusa was only telling me the other day that you had
>returned, and after his regeneration we were looking for a new
>President."
> "Borusa... I don't quite remember. Regeneration, I don't quite
>follow you..." said Sam, realising as he did so that he had said the wrong
>thing.
> "No, I'm sure you don't." said the Master. "Look into my eyes, look
>deep into them."
> Such was the commanding tone of his voice, that Sam was forced to
>look at the newcomer's face...

Crow: Francisco's a good cop!

>
>
>
> "Well, that's about all I can do, I'm afraid." Gooshie stood up, and
>dropped the screwdriver on to Ziggy's control panel. "It's all up to the
>Doctor now."
> As he spoke, there were sounds of movement in the recouperation
>suite, and a few moments later the Doctor came out. He seemed to be in a
>very bad way.

Tom: Bad viaduct! Go lead to Rome or something.

> "Must have TARDIS... need Zero room... Hologram..."
> "Here, Doctor, sit down!" said Gooshie, wheeling a chair underneath
>the
>Doctor and pushing him up to the console. The Doctor began tapping at the
>keyboard quickly, summoning all his energy to enter the design of the
>console into Ziggy.

Mike: I never knew Ziggy came with a keyboard. I mean, where would
he fit it? He's pretty well rounded-out as it is.

>
>
>
> "Who are you?"
> "My name is Samuel Beckett."
> "What are you doing in the body of the Doctor?"
> "I am a traveller in space and time. I swap bodies with people and
>from there I resolve mistakes which were made in the past."
> "That's very noble of you. Where is the Doctor's TARDIS."

Mike: And Who's on first.
Tom: I don't know.
Crow: Third base!

> "I don't know..."
> "TELL ME!" The Master stared harder into Sam's eyes, and shook him
>by the shoulder.
> "I can't explain! I don't know this place very well."
> "Never mind, you can take me to it. I can do without someone else
>wandering around the continuum righting wrongs, destroying my plans."

Tom: Didn't they already do something like this on "Quantum Leap"
for Halloween?

> The Master seemed to summon some strength from within himself,
>sat Sam
>up and stared directly at him. Sam tried feebly for one last time to break
>his gaze, but to no avail. He was caught, and under the Master's will.
> "Here is what I want you to do. You will carry out my instructions to
>the word..."

Tom: Okay, hang on, let me get a pen.

>
>
>
> Part Seven
> ~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Two figures sat in a darkened room, playing chess.

Mike: So John and Henry Lettucehead survived after all!

>A swift glance at
>the board revealed that neither was in a commanding position. Perhaps
>they
>were both master chessplayers, perhaps they both had something on their
>minds, or perhaps both.

Crow: Or maybe they were just a coupla knuckleknobs.

>Certainly, the figure in Black seemed to be a little pre-occupied.
> "You know that the Doctor cannot succeed, my friend," he said to the
>other figure.
> "We shall see," he replied. "I see no interference from you."

Mike: [Announcer] He's at the 30! The 20! He could go all the way!

> "It is not necessary. Your Doctor is as good as dead, his mind cannot
>last much longer trapped in the human frame. He is cold. Similarly the
>human is in a body with far too great a blood temerature and pressure. He
>will not last long, in fact I am surprised that he has lasted this long."

Tom: Tsk, tsk. Too dumb to die.

> "Well, humans have an amazing capacity for change, you know. More
>so than most other creatures." The figure in white considered for a
>moment, and decided that he should play fair. "Your move, and you may be
>interested to keep a more watchful eye on your freelance workers."

Mike: Don't the bad guys have a union or something to stop stuff
like this?

> "What do you mean?" the black figure asked. "No! It cannot be! That
>blunderer will ruin everything!"
> "What are you to do? I dare say it puts you in a rather tricky
>position, wouldn't you say?" The White Guardian took the black queen
>with his bishop.
> "Damn you. Damn all of you!"

Mike: You maniacs! You blew it up!

>
>
> "Listen to my every word, Doctor Beckett. I want you to..." the Master
>began. He felt a strange sensation, akin to dizzyness, come over him. "No,
>sir, anything..." he began, and then stopped. He shook his head slightly, and
>looked around, uncertain of where he was. He looked down at the figure
>below him.

Tom: What? That doesn't look like Worf at all! All right, who stole my Worf
of the Klingon High Council action figure?

> "Hello?" he said, in a voice with seemingly less power than before.
>There was no response from Sam. The Master waved his hand in front of
>Sam's eyes - no response. `He must be hypnotised' he thought. He clapped
>his hands in front of Sam's face, and Sam came out of his trance.
> "Er... I don't think we've met," Sam said. "I'm the Doctor, and you
>are...?" he asked, reaching out and shaking the Master by the hand.

Crow: So, to recap, we have a time-travelling physicist with seven
doctorates who turns into a raving loon when he's hypnotized. Must
be a lot of fun at night clubs.

Continued in Part 4...

--
Tyler Dion E-mail: Clo...@sprynet.com
?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?
"You *are* a fool, aren't you?"
"Only when I get paid. My free-time definition is 'chump.'"
-- from "Doctor Who: Time's Children" on a.dw.c