MiSTed: GREAT NEWS
Tick
Leave this place...
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
(Alarms are going off all over the ship. Mike, Crow, Gypsy and Tom are all
holding on for dear life.)
MIKE:(Yelling over the alarms) Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of
Love! Sorry about the noise...it seems that there's an intruder off
the starboard bow--whatever that means.
CROW: Hey, Mike, shouldn't you be shouting "Gimme Rocket #9?"
MIKE: Good idea. Cambot, gimme Rocket #9!
(Rocket #9)
The escape pod from "Mitchell," badly dented but still flying, is hovering
just off the edge of the SOL.
(SOL)
BOTS: JOEL!! Joeljoeljoeljoeljoeljoeljoeljoeljoel
MIKE: Holy smoke...A WAY OUT! GUYS!! WE CAN FINALLY GET OFF THIS SHIP!
GYPSY: There's a message coming in on the hexfield viewscreen!
(The viewscreen opens--Yahoo Serious is sitting there)
TOM: Boy, Joel really did something weird to his hair!
MIKE: That's not Joel, Tom. It's Australian funnyman Yahoo Serious.
What's up, Yahoo?
YAHOO: Does this thing belong to you? The guy I got it from said to bring
it back up here...
CROW: Yeah, that's Joel! How is he? Did he make it back to Earth all
right?
YAHOO: I mean, I'm just walking through the outback, minding my own
business, when this thing plummets out of the sky and nearly
turns me into Yahoo Pancake!
TOM: Yeah, yeah, we burn for your loss. WHAT ABOUT JOEL?!
YAHOO: Him? He's fine. Strangest thing, though, I offered to show him
some of my movies and he just started screaming...
MIKE: Well, you see, we have to watch some really ter--
CROW: Mike, don't annoy the nice man with the escape pod. Listen, Yahoo--
can I call you Yahoo?--any chance of you docking that thing so we
can get off this tub?
YAHOO: Sure thing. Just let me pull it in to--
(Rocket #9)
The escape pod explodes.
(SOL)
MIKE: ARRRRRGGGGH!
TOM: So close! We were so close!
CROW: This must be what it felt like to be on Gilligan's Island.
MIKE: Oh, great, now O.J. and A.C. are calling.
(Deep 13)
FRANK: Nice shot, Dr. F. I didn't know you had self-destruct mechanisms
built into the escape pods!
Dr. F: Yes, well, that's why you're the worthless underling and I'm the
evil mastermind. Well, Movie star and the rest, get on with the
invention exchange!
(SOL)
MIKE: I don't wanna.
TOM: Don't worry, Mike, we'll handle this one. Well, sirs, this time around,
we've come up with a moneymaking bonanza! Say you're wearing your new
jean jacket with the imitation leather collar. And it rains.
CROW: Oh, darn! Now my imitation leather collar will be imitation stained!
TOM: Not anymore, Joe Sixpack! Not with Tom 'n Crow's Imitation Stain
Remover! Just spray it on and remove...those...er...this is really
kind of lame, isn't it?
MIKE: Yes, Tom, it is.
CROW: Jeez, just because your last vestige of hope's been torn away from
you, you don't have to get all huffy.
TOM: Whaddaya think, sirs?
(Deep 13)
FRANK is standing to the right wearing a cowboy outfit.
Dr. F: Well, our invention exchange also deals with imitation leather.
Now, how many times have you asked yourself, "Where does naugahyde
come from?" Well, meet our new genetic crossbreed--the nauga!
Rope 'em in, Frank!
FRANK: Yeeeeeee-ha! (Frank tosses a rope offscreen and tugs a La-Z-Boy into
frame. It has two big eyes and sharp teeth jutting out from under
the footrest.
Dr. F: Yes, now you can sit back in your chair and know that an animal
was forced to surrender its life so your hinder would be comfortable.
Why not try a little steak while you're sitting there?
FRANK: Oh, no! Doctor! This one's gone rogue! AHHHHHH!
FRANK runs off, pursued by the nauga.
Dr. F: Git along, little Frankie. Well, my little la-z-boys, your
experiment this time around is a desperate cry for help. It's
called "GREAT NEWS," and it's _not._ Remember, if a post
is inevitable, just lay back and enjoy it...
(SOL)
ALL: AHHHHHH! WE GOT POST SIGN!
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)
>Path: msuinfo!gmi!zombie.ncsc.mil!news.duke.edu!solaris.cc.vt.edu!uunet!psinntp!interramp.com!usenet
>From: John...@aol.com
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies
>Subject: GREAT NEWS
MIKE: Not just good news, mind you...GREAT NEWS!
>Date: Fri, 07 Oct 94 11:56:54 PDT
>Organization: PSI Public Usenet Link
>Lines: 37
>Message-ID: <373vuu$c...@www.interramp.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: ip99.new-york.ny.interramp.com
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
>X-Newsreader: NEWTNews & Chameleon -- TCP/IP for MS Windows from NetManage
>
>
>Date: Fri, 07 Oct 94 11:34:40 PDT
>From: John...@aol.com
>Subject: IMPORTANT INFORMATION
CROW: So what's the great news!
>X-Newsreader: NEWTNews & Chameleon -- TCP/IP for MS Windows from NetManage
TOM: Newtnews newtnews newtnews newtnews newtnews chameleon...you come and
go...
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
>
>
>
>
> Hello, I am posting this as a tip to all my fellow netters as a favor.
MIKE: I'm going to post my picture so you can avoid me.
> I spend hours crusing the net and don't have any particulary exctiting social
>life.
CROW: Finally, someone speaks the truth!
TOM: Oh, come on, I've met many good friends in cyberspace.
CROW: Like that guy who E-mailed your address to the Postmaster?
TOM: Well, be fair. I did call his mother a--
MIKE: GUYS.
>The time spent crusing the Net has led to a no exercise lifestyle and a
>serious weight gain. I gained over thirty pounds this year and looked
>horrible.
TOM: It's the Rush Limbaugh story!
> Conventional diet programs did not work and tok up too much time. Then
>one day I got an email message for a safe guaranteed, natural weight loss
>prgram.
CROW: Prgram? That's Russian, isn't it?
MIKE: From Oliver Stone...NATURAL BORN WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
>Feeling like garbage and look like garbage I figured with a guaranteee
>I had nothing to lose. Something had to be done.
TOM: So I went to see Doctor Kervorkian!
> I got these herbal diets and powders and wham I have lost 26 pounds and
>have been able to keep it off.
CROW: It's a very funny powder. It's called cocaine...
MIKE: Crow.
CROW: I've lost a lot of weight. Of course, I don't have any money to buy
food...
MIKE: CROW.
CROW: And I've met many new friends! I do things to them to get money...
MIKE & TOM: CROW!!
>I never exercised or changed my diet to eat fat
>free tastless garbage.
TOM: So, what, did you leave a note under your pillow for the Bloated
Idiot Fairy?
> I now look great, and I have unbelivable self confidence, I am no
>longer hiding my weight, instead I am showing off my new body!
CROW: And I've got the pictures to prove it!
ALL: NOOOOOOO!
> I have recentl,
>gotten two girlfriends who I have sex with when I want.
MIKE: Yeah, like this guy had sex when he _didn't_ want...
>My new body has given
>me the ability to be attractive to the oppossite sex. Lets face it when your
>fat you look sick no matter how you hide it and nobody wants to have sex with a
>sick person.
TOM: Oh, I don't know. Look at Roseanne!
CROW: You look at her. I'm bitter.
>Furthermore, I am no longer carrying around extra weight and my
>energy level is finally high, I am no longer tired all the time.
CROW: We're tired...TIRED OF THIS POST!
> My life is
>great and I owe it all to these herbal tablets and powders. If you want to
>lose weight or to just look better to the opposite sex so you can get sex don't
>email me because I do not sell this stuff,
MIKE: Nosirree bob. Not me.
CROW: Nope. No way no how.
TOM: And I certainly don't know the person who sells it! No way, Jose!
>instead email 693...@mcimail.com
>and ask for their diet info. Its 100% guaranteed so you have nothing to lose
>and a new libido to gain.
CROW: Mike, I have this sick feeling inside.
MIKE: It'll pass, little one.
>This is the best thing that I have ever gotten off
>the Net. I feel great, I love life and especialy sex and I hope the same for
>you
MIKE: Oh, gross. Let's get outta here.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
MIKE and the BOTS are slumped over, feeling ill.
MIKE: Oh...I feel so _dirty!_
CROW: I knew it would be bad...but this?
TOM: Herbs and powders?! What kind of imbecile would think he could lose
weight with herbs and powders?!
(Deep 13)
FRANK is typing into a computer.
FRANK: Please...send me...some of....your...product. Sincerely...TV's...
Frank. Hey, wait a minute! Dr. F, this is _our_ address!
Dr. F: Yes indeedy, Frank. I'm branching out. In fact, why don't I
introduce you to the man who wrote "GREAT NEWS"?
Torgo walks in.
TORGO: I loVe LifE anD ESpecIALlY sEx aND i hOPe ThE sAmE fOR yoU.
FRANK: OH, puke!
Dr. F: I concur. Push the button, Frank...
(Fade out.)
Later,
Tick
Vulture
AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i think you've scarred me for life...
--
______________________________________________________________________
| | |
| Brenda Serephina | Kick it down, |
| Olson-Forrester | Mamma jamma! |
| | |
| TW...@isuvax.iastate.edu | Dr. Forrester |
|_____________________________|________________________________________|
Dan Siemens
YAY! YAY! YAY!
Dan "The Yay Sayer" Siemens
Soundwave [MAUi/ASTEK/Revolution]
: Am I the only one who finds Yahoo Serious to be the height of hilarity?
: He is so funny! I can't stop laughing when I think of "Young Einstein"!
: The only person I find funnier is the hilarious Gallagher! Oh, I gotta
: go! These nice men in white coats have come to take me away! ;-)
Come, my child... I've got a few comedians to introduce you to...
--
Chad Gould aka Soundwave(not a Go-Bot)|--Veteran minimalist Crow T.--|
internet: cgo...@net.gate |--Robot on keyboards/ Smile!--|
member MAUi/ASTEK Music! MODS! MTM! S3MS! tHe MaStEr DoEs NoT aPpRoVe.
Oops, too much English/ March,Lola,Penske, but the answer is still 42.
Ralph Castaneda
: Look on the bright side. Yahoo Serious got blown up!
: YAY! YAY! YAY!
Am I the only one who finds Yahoo Serious to be the height of hilarity?
He is so funny! I can't stop laughing when I think of "Young Einstein"!
The only person I find funnier is the hilarious Gallagher! Oh, I gotta
go! These nice men in white coats have come to take me away! ;-)
Ralph
--
*****************************************************************************
<ral...@uclink2.berkeley.edu> | "Smart boy would put his leg up on something
FDC Manager of Fantasyland | like that!"
MiSTie #41293 | -MST3K ("Attack of the Giant Gila Monster")
Homer Simpson's #1 Fan! |
*****************************************************************************
Fred Francis
Ralph Castaneda <ral...@uclink2.berkeley.edu> wrote:
>Dan Siemens (dan...@netcom.com) wrote:
>: Look on the bright side. Yahoo Serious got blown up!
>: YAY! YAY! YAY!
>
>Am I the only one who finds Yahoo Serious to be the height of hilarity?
>He is so funny! I can't stop laughing when I think of "Young Einstein"!
>The only person I find funnier is the hilarious Gallagher! Oh, I gotta
>go! These nice men in white coats have come to take me away! ;-)
>
>
>Ralph
I've been meaning to mention this, as I know we all faithfully follow the
fascinating world that is Gallagher's life, but was anyone aware
of...Gallagher 2? He's the original Gallagher's brother, and he's decided
to milk what questionable fame the melon-smasher has acheived into a
comedy career of his own. I've heard tell that the act is pretty much as
pathetic as it sounds. Brings to mind the short-lived rap music career of "MC
Ciccone," Madonna's brother.
Crap just don't make a good template for success...unless you're Aaron
Spelling.
-= e l p h r e d =-
"It's an intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance."
Soundwave [MAUi/ASTEK/Revolution]
: ...and don't forget the Calgon to take him away with.
Can't we just use dish soap?
: Oops, too much English/ March,Lola,Penske, but the answer is still 42.
: Kyle Petty?
Then it would be Chevrolet, Pontiac, and Ford, wouldn't it? (: