MiSTed: "Cake and Cable Shutdown" (1/1)
Bill Livingston
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - Mike & the bots are all gathered around the console,
staring intently at an ordinary rotary telephone]
MIKE: Oka-a-a-a-a-a-ay, *NOW*
[Nothing happens]
MIKE: Still nothing. Tom, you wanna try again?
SERVO: Sure. Hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm, lalalelelelal - NOW!!!
[More nothing happens]
SERVO: Diddly squat
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: [Sighs] One more time I guess
SERVO: I just don't know what good it's gonna do
MIKE: We need empirical test data.
SERVO: Sure, sure, but I just have a feeling it's not -
CROW: [suddenly] NOW! NOW! NOW! RING, YOU TECHNOLOGICAL RELIC!! NOW!!!!!!!!
[Nothing continues to happen]
MIKE: Well, I guess that tears it - 174 tries and nothing doing.
SERVO: Yeah, I guess if those psychic phone friends were really psychic,
they'd have known to call us first, instead of waiting for *someone*
to call them !
CROW: Hey, the first ten minutes were free!
MIKE: Yeah, but the next 33 hours weren't!!
CROW: We haven't gotten Gypsy to try it yet!
MIKE: Sure, why not. Gyps?
[Gypsy Enters]
GYPSY: Yes?
MIKE: Crow wants you to try it.
GYPSY: [sighs] Okay. Ummmmmm, now.
[The phone rings!]
ALL: YAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
GYPSY: Oh my stars!
CROW: Gypsy! You - you - you -
SERVO: MY MIND!!! GET OUT OF MY MIND!!! YAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
MIKE: What do we do now?
GYPSY: Um, maybe you should answer it.
MIKE: [picks up] Hello? Yes. Who? Yes, he is. [To Crow] It's for you
CROW: [gasps] Is it my - is it my psychic friend?!?
SERVO: It didn't sound like a bill collector, did it?
MIKE: Worse, it's Mrs. Forrester.
CROW: Oh, well, I'll take it. [Mike hold the phone up to his "ear"]. Hiya,
Pearl, how's it hangin' today?
SERVO, MIKE & GYPSY: Ugh!
CROW: Uh-huh. Sure. Huh? Oh, okay. [To Mike] She says to go ahead and put
her on screen.
[Mike shrugs and punches the control]
[VAN - Pearl is talking on a cell phone. Observer riding shotgun, reading
a copy of "Brainwear Monthly". Bobo is in the back, eating something on a
stick, with his big hairy feet propped up beside Observer]
PEARL: Thanks, Art. Say, No-Stones, I was just motoring along casually, with
the wondertwins here in tow, when a thought occurred to me. I'd've
already had you in my clutches if you weren't getting outside help
from Art and Senor Fireplug and the Great Grapette there, y'know?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, yeah, that's probably true.
[VAN]
PEARL: Face facts, Whitebread - you can't even change a light bulb without
spraining a major joint somewhere. Without your hired hands, you'd
be helpless. That's why I'm abou-
OBSERVER: [To Bobo] Will you please move those disgustingly large appendages
of yours elsewhere? The funk is incredibly annoying!
BOBO: Sorry, I gotta keep the old dogs elevated, otherwise they swell up
like sponges.
OBSERVER: But there are, are, are *things* falling off of them! And they're
getting in my brain pan!!
BOBO: Hey, it's a free system, pal! Suck it up! [Offers stick to Observer]
Mango Mushcicle?
OBSERVER: Absolutely not!
PEARL: HEY!!! [both shut up] Do I have to get the "thingy" out again? [both
shake their head, looking terrified] Good. Anyway, Mike, I'm sending
you a little piece of lunacy I found in the archives. It's called
"Cake and Cable Shutdown", and it's all about how *bad* robots are.
By the time I'm through, you won't even let your little darlings
*near* you!!! And once I've divided - I'll CONQUER! MUAHAHAHA-
[Observer hits Bobo's feet with the magazine]
BOBO: OWW!!! That smarts!
OBSERVER: Smarter than *you*, I'll wager - you big *simian*!
BOBO: Hey, Powder, you wanna piece of me?! I can -
PEARL: THINGY!!!!!
[both hush, cowering]
[SOL]
ALL: Thingy?!?
[lights flash]
ALL: YAAAAH!!! WE GOT NET.KOOK SIGN!!!!!
[6] {5} (4) -3- +2+ o
>From: jo...@nine7.demon.co.uk
SERVO: Begone, foul demon!
>Newsgroups: hsv.general
CROW: But I need a very specific hsv!
>Subject: Cake and Cable Shutdown.
>Date: Sun, 11 May 1997 00:21:46 GMT
>Message-ID:
MIKE: Yeah, let's see some message ID, pal!
> <863310106.9876.1...@news.demon.co.uk>
>References: <I have posted this note before but its neater and has more>
CROW: Huh? More what? More X-35 for fast cleansing action? More thrills
than any other movie before or since? More bang for the buck?
MIKE: Probably just more bandwidth wasted
>NNTP-Posting-Host: nine7.demon.co.uk
>X-NNTP-Posting-Host: nine7.demon.co.uk [194.222.45.95]
>X-Everything:
SERVO: Boy, he must be a *huge* Marvel Zombie!!
> Net-Tamer V 1.08X
>Lines: 264
[All sigh]
>Status: N
>
>I've made this small note,
MIKE: Yeah, and you made it much too big!
> warning of debt induced war and its causes, 10's
CROW: Starring Dudley Moores and Bo Dereks
MIKE: Once again, the dangers of cloning rear their ugly heads
SERVO: Maybe this is just another Agent Action ad
MIKE: Don't say that, Servo! Not even in jest!
>of years in the future as off shore
MIKE: He wants to off Pauly Shore?
CROW: He may be nuts, but at least he has taste
> economy challenges democratic nations.
>I made it from research after dreams dreamt some years ago,
CROW: He had some dreams
SERVO: He had some *awesome* dreams!
> especially after
>a dream that had:-
MIKE: Flying
SERVO: Dinosaurs
CROW: Kristen Johnson wearing a scuba outfit covered in peanut butter and -
MIKE: Ahem!
CROW: Fine, Nelson, you just keep dreaming about floating serenely over
your little cloudlets and such. I'll stick with Kristen - rrrrowf!
> a 3 man military team
SERVO: General Howard, Colonel Fine, Major Howard!
> doing a mission cutting electronic
>money cables by the side of rail lines
CROW: And pocketing the electronic nickels & dimes as they spilled out
> + robots terrorising military
>listening stations
SERVO: YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTH - I mean, um, golly whillikers!
> where the soldiers showed me terrible robots with radar.
ALL: RADAR!!!!!
>Some robots were as small as Jewellery
SERVO: [singing falsetto] Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
> and could poison the brain like insects.
MIKE: On the other hand, some dreams last much, *much* too long
>I first distributed in the UK here,
CROW: Hey, John's really Rick Pitino
SERVO: So there's an Irish connection here
[Mike & Crow look at him funny]
SERVO: See, 'cuz of the Celtics, and - never mind!
> in paper form, "Cake and Cable Shutdown":-
CROW: Ah, those British and their wacky food names
> DANGER-robotics could destroy democracy for the unemployable.
MIKE: You guys wouldn't do that, would you?
SERVO: Only if we were forced to
> Unions & democracy slow the development of automation in order to
SERVO: Ensure sufficient graft & kickbacks for all
> maintain effective employment training for adaptation to automation
> for everyone.
MIKE: Be the first on your block to own a lovely industrial riveter!
> But eventually remote controlled robotics may
> develop without this slowing in space and at sea.
> -Space-lawless,
ALL: XENA IN SPA-A-A-A-A-A-ACE!!!
CROW: Ah, the possibilities of Lucy Lawless & Zero Gravity
> tactless, rent & mortgage less, wide access
> possibilities, micro gravity & solar watts, corrosion & bug less.
SERVO: And hope less
CROW: And sense less
MIKE: And point less
> -Robots-able to work where man has difficulty doing work
CROW: [muttering] Yeah. like some of 'em won't even touch a load pan bay!
MIKE: What?!?
CROW: Just never you mind, pink boy!
> and still
> evolving with the discoveries of physics.
> -Cabled money-
SERVO: TCI Bonus Bucks?
> replacing cash with credit card sort
CROW: Please sort all credits cards by debt load and height of popularity
> and going
> through all on one metropolitan ring cables that are easy to cut.
MIKE: So call before you dig
> The owners of these new robots in satellites and automated island
> ships, may eventually cut the cables of our cabled money
CROW: [Gangster voice] Okay boys, we hit Western Union tonight, see?
SERVO: [singing] Everybody needs some money sometimes
> to stop
> our democracy or our unemployed interfering with their access to
> (But they always have worst competitors
SERVO: Wouldn't the worst competitor be, oh, I dunno, the *loser*?!?
> who are more dictator like
> so you will have to choose who of the owners your work in total helps.)
> earth resources.
MIKE: And in the category of "Most Awkward Parenthetical Expression", the
award goes to...
> Trouble makers may become
CROW: Guests of the "Ricki Lake" Show
> slaves in the landfills
> gathering shiny metal
MIKE: [dumbly] Shiny. Shiny metal, huh-huh-huh.
> with robot slave drivers.
MIKE: You guys wouldn't do that, would you?
SERVO: Without our driver's licenses? Certainly not!
> All bit
CROW: Yeah, this all bites, all right!
> like the
> American government shutdown of 1995 that was like a bank
> repossessing because of government default on repayment of nat' debt.
MIKE: Cole?
SERVO [singing] Unrepayable, these massive loans...
> how can we be safe?
CROW: Lock yourself in your house!
SERVO: Cut off all contact with others!
MIKE: Threaten anyone who comes within 100 yards of your property!
> -Be aware of incidents of at sea/space and discuss this with
> others.
SERVO: Cite three examples. Remember, this counts as 20% of your grade
> (while average pay grows & robots smarter/cheaper on goes)
CROW: And syntax & language weirder/convoluted more gets
> -Develop our careers for care and assessment jobs that will always
> be needed to guide machines to human interest.
SERVO: Eight and three quarters percent, compounded annually
> -Learn to feed off of nature efficiently in an emergency
CROW: Know what wine to serve with grub worms
> even on
> the move to avoid capture. Learning to eat weeds/trees and ecology
MIKE: [Euell Gibbons] Did you know many parts of a pine tree are edible?
> Is probably the majorities best backup as doubt of the future grows
> with robotics. There is still much room yet to use calories even
> more efficiently for survival emergency method research.
CROW: Lose 10 pounds a week while eluding authorities!
> -Avoid crime as it leads too violent criminals and authorities.
SERVO: Ah, now we see - crime leads to criminals!
CROW: Hah! That's just what they *want* you to think!
> Victors & losers of the future maybe are sending warnings into our
> dreams, so that you might decipher a message too.
MIKE: No, honey, it's just that turkey sausage pizza you had at lunch
CROW: John forgot to wear his tinfoil hat today
>
> ELABORATION ON THIS:-
CROW: ...probably won't help, but let's give it a shot anyway, 'kay?
>To look at a more everyday smaller version of this war
SERVO: Stra-tee-go-o-o-o!!!
> between the rich
>off shore investors and those who have all invested in nations with
>democracy for the common people, look at businesses.
MIKE: Go ahead - look at them! LOOK!! LOOK!!!
>Some get into debt voluntarily or less so,
CROW: Or more so. Or not. Or something.
> but they often for various
>reasons hold onto their employees and explore the employee potential
SERVO: Sa-a-a-a-ay...
> as a
>fundamental part of business.
>But always plans are made for emergency business difficulties
SERVO: Crisis planning is evil, then?
MIKE: Pretty much, yeah
> and these
>plans include downsizing either by selling the business to brokers who like
CROW: ...to be spanked by women wearing pizza delivery uniforms - on the
next "Jerry Springer"!
>repomen ruthlessly take over or the management themselves downsize.
MIKE: Ray Palmer - heartless CEO!
>So often the victims are taken by surprise at events, because they don't
>plan aswell and aren't aswell informed.
ALL: Aswell is coming!
>The security of contracts with employees becomes void more or less
>immediately like a shutdown for reorganisation.
SERVO: Have I mentioned yet that this is painful reading?
CROW: No, you haven't
SERVO: Well, it is!
MIKE: Yes, it is
>This could happen to whole democracies one day that owe enormous moneys
CROW: Such as the giant stone coins of the Lap Islanders
>to banks who have these same business strategies.
>But presently democracies are wealthier than the banks and their off shore
>investments, but for how long?.
SERVO: [Shatner] For... howLONG... misterSPOCK?!? For... HOWLONG?!?!?!?
>
> PERSONALITIES OF THE MOST HIGH?
CROW: The 9 Billion Names of God?
>Over the years ahead you
MIKE: Yes, you, young graduate!
> will decide what sort of people to support with the
>total of your lives work.
>It will be futile
CROW: Resistance?
MIKE: Been there. Assimilated that.
> to use fascist and nazi ways of preventing the democratic
>economies from getting into worse debt
SERVO: And John sounds vaguely disappointed by that fact
CROW: We lost our liberties, but at least the debtors' trains run on time
> as people realise that violence is just
>unacceptable in such a dangerous technological age.
MIKE: [snobbish] Oh, look, that little man over theah is killing people
with an AK-47. How *vulgah!*
SERVO: [snobbish] Yes, poison is *so* much more civilized for murdah!
>People feel today that the buster attitude
CROW: Buster Crabbe's attitude?
SERVO: Buster Brown's attitude?
MIKE: Buster Poindexter's attitude?
> to solve national problems is to
>childish for the unpleasantries violence in a hi-tech world would bring.
SERVO: [Whiny kid] But I wanna go out and hack-kill!
CROW: [falsetto] Not until you clean your room, young man!
>The new machines do not only leave behind only the complex jobs, they
>also leave behind the jobs that require human surveillance due to the
>dangers of leaving a machine in charge to someone.
SERVO: [Tilts sideways] That sentence means *something*, but what?!?
>These critical jobs don't only attend to the old dangers of
>nature
CROW: Watch out for snakes!
> but also to the new dangers of modern life
SERVO: As outlined by some guy named "Rocko"
> plus the ones of just
>living longer and more inherited defects.
MIKE: Warning: Living longer may be hazardous to your health
>So the paying jobs will demand a more considerate type of person,
SERVO: A kinder, gentler person working for a kinder, gentler salary
> but systems
>for guiding and testing people who do them, may occasionally lag the need.
CROW: Somehow, I get the feeling John kinda slept through the "sentence
structure" part of English 101
>
> People would prefer to ignore the off shore competition and just borrow
>more whilst
MIKE: "whilst"?
CROW: Ah, but I see he woke up in time for the chapter on Shakespearean
dialect!
> hoping that democracies will keep on looking out for each other.
SERVO: NATO - the world's largest "neighborhood watch" program!
>The persons in power will have to be aware of these likely conflicts and of
>the need to protect the only real home of life-
SERVO: [Minnewegian] Oh, that'd be the Gershenson's down the block.
MIKE: [Ditto] Yah, they got that biosphere in the back yard next to Herb's
tool shed, ya know?
> this planet, against the growth
>intentions of everyone in the human population.
MIKE: It was necessary to destroy civilization in order to save it
>Indeed to repossess the earth from the common people may have the
>ecological consideration behind it aswell as the economic one.
ALL: Aswell is coming!!
>Putting aside the terrorists and the variety of persons involved it appears
>that growth must continue as common people must adapt to the ceaseless
MIKE: ...flow of unsolicited advertising and rantings on Usenet today.
>growth of machines that continue to make redundant sources of income one
>way or another.
SERVO: Yes, sadly, inflation has numbered the days of the single income
robot
>The question is what sort of people in power of business and democracy
>can help people manage?
CROW: [singing] People, people who manage people...
>It seems to come down to reassuring both human and the ecology life as
>machines change the problems.
MIKE: If you don't like the answer, just change the problem
SERVO: Hey, works for me!
>I guess most are aware of the ecological change, that previously happened
>only over geological time scales
CROW: Remember to set your carbon-14 ahead one hour
> but how aware are people of the genetic
>problems that are being inherited in this cushy tech served lifestyle?
SERVO: Like when you can't find the remote, and "Living Single" is about
to come on, but the TV's stuck on "The Single Guy", so you just sit
there and watch it 'cuz the clicker's lost and you don't remember
you can even change channels any other way? Is that what he means?
MIKE: Um, no.
>Unless we approach these new problems with openness, both opportunity of
>work to cope with them and the prevention of victims of the problems will
>get missed.
CROW: Man, this is the weirdest syntax I've seen since I tried to cold-read
a UNIX program.
>A hitech world demands a respect for hitech understanding of the
>problems such as inherited learning difficulty troubles.
MIKE: For example, an inability to understand that "hitech" is actually
two separate words
>But some have little faith in human personalities adapting to hitech
>demands, such is human nature.
SERVO: Ah, the quiet, philosophical side of the post, ladies & gentlemen
>And who are the big investors that change our work chances?
>
> DON'T MISUNDERSTAND HOW BAD ROBOTS WILL BE>
MIKE: Oh, I understand all too well, my friend
SERVO: HEY!
CROW: Cut us some slack, Jack!
>I'm an electronics repair specialist and being in the trade I feel I
>understand how robots will come to be in our lives.
MIKE: It begins by some evil scientist shooting you into space!
CROW: Not still bitter, are ya Nelson?
MIKE: Bitter?!? Moi?!?
>They are built with many of the same discoveries that made the discovery of
>atomic explosions possible.
SERVO: We *are* the children of the atom!!
>The principal milestone to watch for is that robots in car
>factories will be able to make different models of car from the same
>production line and be able to make prototypes off of it too.
MIKE: See?!? Didn't I say giving Buicks and Chevies interchangeable
engines specs was a sign of the apocalypse?!?
>There after the factory mainframes which control the robots will take
SERVO: A coffee break
>about 10 years to be cheap & small enough for anything involving labour.
>Robots being key change to the new military and economy.
CROW: Understanding being difficult bad to the old reader and public
>On the moon the Japanese will have robots drilling for resources and even
>building some things, whilst the Americans consider robotic satellites to
>cut costs of manned missions.
SERVO: The Belgians will use robots to manufacture hordes of tiny miniature
snowglobes that say "Souvenir of Brussels"
CROW: The Ecuadorians are training robots to tape "As the World Turns" for
them, 'cause it's on during lunch.
MIKE: The Azerbaijanis have a secret and powerful robot that lets them
figure out to spell "Azerbaijan"
>It seems the possibilities for artificial life are not only really becoming
>possible
SERVO: Hey, possibilities are now possible!
CROW: Phew! I was worried about all those impossible possibilities!
> but will have very very attractive abilities compared to life itself
CROW: As well as the universe and everything
>and thus be likely to be unstoppable like a river that can only be
>redirected at best (see "MARCH OF THE MACHINES" Kevin Warwick
>www.cyber.reading.ac.uk/).
MIKE: [singing] ac.uk/ooo.ahh.ahh/ting.tang/walla.walla.bing.bang
>
>Military robots aren't seen often but aren't to be ignored.
CROW: Military robots should be seen & not heard
>The pattern of supply equipment of oil etc. being guarded by guards
SERVO: As opposed to being guarded by, say, dentists!
> with hitech
>military equipment against trespassers is a growing trend.
MIKE: As evidenced by this lovely Giorgio Armani B-1 Bomber
>Robotics is being used militarily by the Israeli's in the form of forward
>observers and drones.
ALL: [Buzz like bees]
>I expect by now surgery performing robots is becoming common to surgical
>theatres
CROW: "Chicago Hope"?
> as well as war theatres
SERVO: "M*A*S*H"?
> as in 1989 I saw a prototype on TV.
MIKE: And if it was on TV, it *must* be true!
>Nano
SERVO: Visitor?
MIKE: Sadly, no
> robots are being researched but bugs and small remote controlled
>devices like the toy cars are probably used by security forces as
>microsoldiers.
CROW: [gasps] He's exposed Tyco's secret connection to the Military!
>Intelligent moving mines at sea are available for use, by most hi-tech
>countries and some say some already sit on the sea bed awaiting orders.
MIKE: Some say some sit on the sea bed selling sea shells by the sea shore
>The US have smart bombs that can see the difference between a tank and a
>tent for themselves.
>The British have controlled explosion robots.
MIKE: The Costa Ricans have a robot that can fry bologna and bend paper
clips
CROW: New Zealand has a robot that can play the guitar chords to over 75
songs, including "Inna Gadda Davida" and "Stand By Me"
SERVO: The French have a robot that smokes smelly cigarettes and considers
Jerry Lewis a genius
>That have an arm, on a pair of caterpillar tracks and managed by a man in
>another van.
CROW: A managed man, a plan, another van - Panama
>It is armed with a rifle and a pile of explosive.
ALL: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!
>I saw it on the news, shoot a car window, then enter the car through the
>hole,
MIKE: Then it stole the stereo and cell phone, and scored a quick fence!
> then blow up the car and the car bomb, whilst it was still inside.
>The car collapsed like a party balloon,
CROW: Waitasec - it blew up the car and the car collapsed?
SERVO: Must have overinflated
> but the robot looked ungrazed even.
SERVO: [Snagglepuss] Heavens to Murgatroyd! Exit, stage left!
>Needless to say this was northern Ireland.
CROW: Then why did you say it?
>Note the recent book that elucidates the tide of Robotics and the likely
>abilities of them - "March of the Machines" by Warrick, Kevin who is
SERVO: Not writing these posts himself!
MIKE: Definitely not!
CROW: Nope! John is absolutely *not* Kevin!
SERVO: He's William Blair
MIKE & CROW: NO-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!!
> the top
>professor of Cybernetics at the University of Reading
MIKE: Which is fundamental
> in the south of England.
>He says a computer as inteligant as a human
SERVO: Could probably spell "intelligent"
CROW: Could this be Stephen Ratliff writing under an assumed name?
MIKE: I'd rather read "Premier Marquis" again than this!
SERVO: I - It - [thinks for a second] it'd be a close call.
> is likly in a decade but may
>develop unpredicted behaviours more easily than the non neural net types
>like our PC's.
SERVO: [Data] I'm sorry, captain, I have a general protection fault. Please
press my nose to reboot
>
>THE PREDICTION BRIEF:-
CROW: By John Grisham
>The scenario is where society is maintained by a surplus of
SERVO: Wacky Sitcoms?
CROW: AOL start-up disks?
MIKE: Gold-Pressed Latinum?
>workers, some willing to volunteer even.
>The signs of government borrowing and economic decline having sneaked
>slowly into everyday life,
SERVO: Like when we missed a payment, and Clinton woke up the next morning
to find the Statue of Liberty's head in his bed
> with many types of crime being patched over with
MIKE: Cyberspit and virtual baling wire
>new security gadgets such as cameras and secure enclaves.
>Occasionally the tv will show the rich on temporary islands and cruise
>ships
SERVO: [Robin Leech] Here we see Sheik Adnan Kashogi and his beautiful
temporary island! To build it cost billions and billions of
dollaaaaaaaaaaaas!
> but otherwise little sign of the tremendous growth of off shore
>economies deliberately.
>
>Then a mixture of events causes markets to crash as they have before
CROW: As always, in the event of a market crash, your AT&T Preferred
can be used as a floatation device
> and
>as society is no longer the bread maker of the economy by this time,
SERVO: Hey! I got Society a breadmaker last Christmas!
MIKE: Society took it back and traded it in for a set of Revereware
> repo'
>organisations are called in with no warning to recycle the government
>maintained infrastructure of the masses.
MIKE: Be sure to separate your Democrats and Republicans for the recycling
truck each Wednesday
>Like a fuse blowing on an expendable but recyclable part of a machine
>system
SERVO: Like a candle that had been blown out, like a cosmic switch that had
been thrown...
> rather than one that can never be allowed to go wrong.
>By cutting the cables of electronic money, that run along the railways
CROW: Cashspotting?
SERVO: [Ewan MacGregor] Choose a currency!
> and
>leaving the rich in their well guarded homes with satellite links for
>their electronic money.
MIKE: Apparently, once you cut a cable, it can never be fixed
SERVO: You may have to wait at home for the electronic money repairman to
show up, but it *can* be fixed!
>Plus guards are used to protect pipelines and hunt any
>organised refugees like in Chetchnia and with the Kurds
CROW: And whey
> in Iraq.
>
> SURVIVAL ON THE RUN
CROW: [singing] And the repo man...
MIKE: [singing] And Robot Sam...
ALL: [singing] Were guarding everyone...
> (see misc.survivalism + alt.survival)
CROW: misc.survivalism + alt.survival = alt.misc.ssuurrvviivvaallism
>If you are not protected by the new satellite managed new world order then
SERVO: Sign up now, and receive two free months of Cinemax and HBO
>the question is how best to survive with guard robots hunting every sign
>of organised and sick refugees?
MIKE: You guys wouldn't do that, would you?
CROW: Well, not *anymore*, no
>Their priority being to prevent terrorism and epidemics of disease.
SERVO: Ah, now the true evil in their plan becomes evident!
>I expect that a repossession organisation
MIKE: It sounds like they're turning the government over to Emilio Estevez
CROW: Now *that's* evil!
MIKE: Nah, just ill-considered. Now if it was Charlie Sheen...
> would wish to prevent disease
>and the old and young may be given preventative medical treatment but
>may be impounded
MIKE: Y'know, this is how my HMO actually works!
> and given work recycling rubbish from landfills with
>little social segregation from hard criminals.
SERVO: Gramma's going to the ice cream supper tonight with that Arthur
Bremer fella
CROW: Does she have a sitter lined up for Baby Joey?
SERVO: Yeah, Squeaky Fromme's gonna come over & read some bedtime stories
>
>No settling down to grow crops, no livestock or hunting
SERVO: No disco! No fooling around!
> as any sign of
>developing technologies of resistance would attract attention.
>Living off things that one passes is the way left.
CROW: To the left! *The Left!!!* DICKWEED!!!!
>Carrying seeds like the old sages or using modern biology somehow to
>utilise what nature provides but with little tools.
MIKE: The ancient primitive art of Hydroponics saves the day!
SERVO: So if we don't grow crops, what do we need seeds for?
CROW: Arts and crafts
>
>Most of the land would become overgrown again as biodiverstity is more
>beneficial than bothering to cutdown everything to catch refugees.
CROW: But much less fun!
>Possibly experimenting on refugees may be legal also.
SERVO: This refugee was washed in new Gain, while this refugee was washed
using another leading brand. Let's see which one *smells* cleaner!
>So the sooner we steer medicine from having to test stuff on animals the
>better.
MIKE: The preceding was sponsored by PETA. Visit their new headquarters
in Fishsave, New York
>I think already the guards of pipelines in Iraq probably watch
CROW: ..."The Glorious Revolutionary Council Hour", "Saddam's Cruelest Home
Videos", and "Blossom"
> the sick
>unemployable Iraqi's with gulf war syndromes from the bio/chem/radioactive
MIKE: ...singing/dancing/acting/directing
>weapons of the gulf war and other events as a big experiment on the human
>biology.
>Making the abductions of the X-files look small feed,
SERVO: I thought it was "Small Potatoes"
MIKE: You can name that episode?
SERVO: I can name most of 'em, actually
CROW: If you can name more than 10 X-Files episodes without looking them
up, you probably need to get out more
> though the conspiracy
>seems real today, after the way the gulf war vet syndromes sufferers have
>been turned away for so long after the war.
SERVO: Nah, that's just bureaucratic indifference and cold-heartedness -
we've *always* had that
>For some couples avoiding capture the ability to suck juice from river
>reeds and even tree resin,
CROW: [Homer] Mmmmm - tree juice!
> whilst using a canoe as both tent and sledge,
MIKE: [Sledge Hammer] Trust me - I know what I'm doing!
>is the sort of skills to search for.
>Like Eskimos and Aborigines of the desert have had but with science aswell.
ALL: Aswell is coming! Aswell is coming!!
>Even if you never use your survival knowledge, it is good heritage for
>your own folks, so keep on learning.
CROW: Okay, Susie, enough playing with your Pound Puppies! C'mon over here
and let Daddy show you how to make a canoe out of Scruffy's doots!
>
> FICTIONAL MEDIA ON THESE IDEAS
CROW: Because the real media's never heard of them
>I have also noted relevant productions Bladerunner,
MIKE: [Bladerunner guy] I've seen things you wouldn't believe...
CROW: Like this posting, for example
> Neuromancer, Space
>above & beyond,
SERVO: & around & about & back & forth & over & under & then up for air
> Alien, Independence day,
MIKE: [Jeff Goldblum] Time's up!
> and numerous 1984 productions such as
>Repoman & Terminator in film & music such as Eliminator by ZZtop.
SERVO: In other words, the anthem of the rich guys' techno-revolution is
gonna be "Legs"?!?
>I reckon
MIKE: [southern] Yep, Ah shore do reckon
> Total Recall and Dune say lots about resourses between planets.
CROW: Inspect your spice thoroughly, and always declare any exploding heads
you bring onto the surface
>Tricky, White Zombie, massive attack and possibly M people seem to have
>similar ideas in recent music.
SERVO: So what did any of that mean, exactly?
MIKE: Maybe he lost his train of thought and just vamped for a few minutes
SERVO: That would imply he had a train of thought to begin with
MIKE: Oh, yeah, you're right
>
> THE 4 PROBLEMS ON THE ROAD TO SPACE:-
CROW & SERVO: [singing, a la Hope & Crosby] We're off on the road to Outer
Space, this shuttle is tough on the spine!
>-Who to trust with the growing power of technology.(i.e. in medicine.)
SERVO: [Dr.McCoy] Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electronic off-shore
repo money robot terrorist!
>-Who to employ with redundancy catching out people so often.(i.e. in
>robots.)
CROW: "Redundancy"?
MIKE: I think it's British for "unemployment"
CROW: Oh. Well, before you ask, *no*, I wouldn't do that!
>-How to protect the earth as the only known reliable arc of life,
CROW: I think he thinks we live in a semi-circle
SERVO: Or maybe he means a story arc.
CROW: Which means John may be either Ratliff or J. Mike Straczinski
> whilst
>requiring space for jobs from growth.(i.e. in costly outer space access.)
SERVO: Hey, this might actually wind up being your next good temp job, Mike
MIKE: Yeah, but it still won't be as good as that other one. I still think
I know who it was that... [starts muttering to himself]
CROW: Oh, way to go, Servo! [Bites Mike]
MIKE: YOWCH!! Oh, sorry.
>-How to quell peoples aggressive drive in all sorts of competition
CROW: i.e. in sports
MIKE: Superbowl, World Series, NBA Finals and World Cup called off as all
teams agree to just call the season a draw
> until we
>can choose our own way in space entirely individually.(i.e. in mating
>race.)
CROW: Only astronauts will be allowed to marry
MIKE: Hey, that might increase my chances with the girls back on Earth!
CROW: Providing you ever make it back
MIKE: You just love pouring lemon juice in my emotional paper cuts, don't
you?
>
> IDEAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SERVO: Not necessarily *good* ideas, mind you...
>IDEAS that are useful, profitable and don't have side effects that hurt
>life, needed to employ as many as possible, including the handy capped,
[All snicker]
CROW: Along with those capped inconveniently!
> the old
>and those with learning difficulty.
MIKE: Or the ones with learning handy caps.
>If old people can have children later and later then they should work
>later and later in age.
SERVO: Sure, I can see - tha hey?!?
>Schools milling out "finished workers" not only able to work but able to
>adapt to new competition and machines in the trade.
MIKE: Yes, the class of 2012 will be upgradable via plug-ins!
>Obviously a few are unfinished but how should be more elucidated on.
CROW: And why should be extremely explained to
>MIT should advize industry workers as to likely changes as well as
>industry in general as some workers don't seem to adapt adequately whilst
SERVO: Verily, whilst!
>others perpetually worry and create an anxious ambience (oh for the quite
>of space or the moon).
MIKE: Yeah, it's real "quite" out here, what with starships flashin' by at
warp speeds
CROW: Huge motherships shakin' up the moon as they invade
SERVO: Giant asteroids hurtling towards scale models of Kansas City
CROW: Flying vans chock fulla screamin' mamas, red-butted apes, and albino
brainiacs
>So there is an Incept date
MIKE: Any ideas, guys?
CROW & SERVO: "Intercept"? "Inception"? "Accept"? "Exception"? "Anti-
septic"?
> for a new machine and one for the on going of work
>lifetime which is just one aspect of this maze of hatchery.
CROW: Teri Hatchery?
>OR else democracy may not compete with offshore economy's with
>lower overheads-VIVA LA DEMOCRACY.
MIKE: Paper Towels for Freedom!
>
> YES Questions!!!!
CROW: Just who *is* the owner of a lonely heart?
> It will be important to explain these frequently asked questions:-
MIKE: Posted every Monday
>1. How can a consumer less society, still mean an economy can exist?
MIKE: He's wondering how they buy & sell, and other money facts
SERVO: Where did *that* come from?
MIKE: [hesitates] I - I have no idea!
>This assumes a minority consumer group can't be nearly all the power
CROW: You gotta fight the power!
SERVO: I refuse to say anything about the repo man holdin' us back
> and
>economy again as before under kings of history,
CROW: [Peter Graves] Here on A&E "Biography"
> so history has the
>experience even for a robot affected world.
>
>2. How can cutting cables make a difference when there are so many
>communication cables that could be used to maintain electronic commerce?
SERVO: It's just fun, is all
>But I point out that only a few need be cut to cut the electric power and
>that oneday electric power companies
ALL: HEEEEYYY YOUUUUUU GUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
> that have comm's cables aswell
ALL: TO ARMS! ASWELL IS COMING!!
> like Energis will
>have most of the trunk lines next to these few crucial power cables and
>leaving only satellite connection as a real option.
SERVO: Subscribe to DSS and RULE THE WORLD!!!
>Plus when Energis
CROW: The battery company?
MIKE: The bunny and the Puttermans battle for world domination!
> and other power companies start laying ground cables of the
>frozen superconducting type there costs will go down as the weather
>elements are removed from the costs.
MIKE: Yeah, it costs much less to maintain a cable at near-absolute zero
than to just slag it down and leave!
>These would probably run along
SERVO: I wish they *would* just run along!
> the train lines as the cost of digging and
>accessing the cable tunnels and pipes would be less plus the trains use
>allot of electricity aswell.
ALL: HE'S ARRIVED!!! ASWELL IS HERE!!!!!
>--
>Dr Biosicfix (Medicine tinker)
MIKE: Starring Jane Seymour
> (Survivalist)
CROW: Building an H-bomb in the outhouse
> (Robot tamer)
[Crow & Servo snarl and yowl]
> (A road to space)
SERVO: Go down Gordon Drive, turn left on 6th, go 4 blocks, then turn and
go up about 23,000 miles - can't miss it
> *?*?*?*?Us neurons, don't KNOW that much, period?*?*?*
CROW: Oh, if he only knew just how much of an understatement that is!
>
>Net-Tamer V 1.08X - Test Drive
MIKE: Test Drive the NEW 1998 Net-Tamer, and get a free dinner for two at
Brangus Steak House
SERVO: I think we gotta split
MIKE: About time
CROW: Hey, I got an idea [whispers to the others on the way out...]
o +2+ -3- (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Mike's standing alone at the console]
MIKE: Hey, Pearl, guess what? That posting you sent really convinced me
robots are evil, so I tossed all the little monsters into the brig.
[VAN - Pearl is still driving. Bobo's now up front, doing a crossword puzzle
and sipping a "Kong Kola". Observer is in the back adding something to his
brain dish]
PEARL: Hah! You fell for it! I can't - hey, where'd you get a brig?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, it's really just a hastily padlocked tool crib, but it serves
the same purpose. Anyway, I'm running the whole ship by myself now.
[VAN]
[Pearl is cackling evilly now. Bobo continues his quest for 24-across.
Observer comes to the front, gently sloshing the solution around his brain.
He sets the little bottle he was pouring from next to Bobo's drink]
OBSERVER: Really, Mike, I gave you credit for more brains than that. Not
*much* more, mind you, but still...
PEARL: I've got you now, Nelson! You're gonna suffer slowly, painfully,
exquisitely!!!
[SOL]
MIKE: [chuckling] Oh, yeah? Watch this - [speaks into the air, a la' "Next
Generation"] Ship, cut a few doughnuts for the woman
[EXTERIOR SOL - We see the ship suddenly start to spin madly on its axis,
just like a '79 Camaro on your neighbor's front lawn]
[VAN - Pearl and Brain Guy are awestruck. Bobo is scratching his head with
his pencil, stumped again]
[SOL]
MIKE: [Standing triumphantly] Now watch this - Doors, hexfield, alarms,
oxygen mask, fountain - GO!
[The doors to the theater start to open and close. The Movie Sign alarm
goes off, The Hexfield Viewscreen opens and shuts onto a test pattern, an
emergency oxygen mask begins lowering from the ceiling, and a soothing
fountain of Agua! begin prancing up from behind the console]
[VAN]
PEARL: How?!? HOW?!? C'mon, pink boy, you've got less technological
expertise than a bottle of catsup! How did you do it?!?!?!?
[SOL - Everything is back to normal, except the oxygen mask is still hanging
low. Mike is surrounded by all the bots and the Nanite viewer]
CROW: Ah, we were just having a little fun with you there, Pearl.
SERVO: Yeah, you didn't think he was going to lock us up on the basis of
*that* stinkbomb, did you?
MIKE: That's right, I even got the Nanites to pitch in on this one. Thanks
for the help, fellas.
NED: [voice] Noproblem,guys,itwasourcoffeebreakanyway
CROW: Ah, we do have our fun, don't we?
MIKE: Yeah, we're just a bunch of kookoo nutballs. Hey, Magic Voice, you've
been kind of shy, lately. Why don't you give out the info this time?
MV: Certainly, Mike. To sign up on the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail message to majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the
message "subscribe dibslist [<your e-mail address>]" in the
message body. Confirmed?
MIKE: Righto. Oh, and just so nobody worries, none of these little rugrats
are plotting to take over anything. I mean, You guys wouldn't do
that, would you?
SERVO: Nope!
CROW: Indeedly not!
GYPSY: Uh-uh!
MV: Not Me!©
NED: [Voice] Notasfarasyouknow,no.
MIKE: Thanks, I - huh? [All look at the viewer a bit warily]
[VAN]
PEARL: Go ahead and have your little joke, Nelsburger, because one day,
and that day is coming soon, your number's coming up, and when it
does, Pearl Forrester is going to be there to call it for you! Mark
my words, you're gonna get yours! MUAHAHAHAHAH-
BOBO: Excuse me, Lawgiver.
PEARL: Booboo, haven't I told you not to interrupt while I'm laughing
maniacally?
BOBO: Oh, a thousand pardons Lawgiver, but I just wanted to know if
Gillian Anderson spells her name with a "J" or a "G"?
PEARL: [Long pause]. A "G", you nit!
BOBO: Oh, good. Let's see, then - 19 Down, 6 letters, starts with "G".
"Small, slender, long-armed ape". Hmmmm.
[Without looking, Bobo reaches for his cola, but accidentally drinks Brain
Guy's stuff]
BOBO: PTAHH!!!! RARK!! What is that?
OBSERVER: Why, it's my dechlorinator agent.
BOBO: You did that on purpose!!
OBSERVER: I most certainly did not!
BOBO: You albino ape! You babboon-de-blanco! You ghostly gibbon! You - hey!
OBSERVER: I don't have to stand here and be insulted like this!
BOBO: No, you can go back there and be insulted, Talcum-boy!
OBSERVER: Now look here...
[Pearl's had all she can stands, and she can't stands no more. She reaches
under the seat and pulls out what looks like a huge eggbeater with a couple
of hands attached to the end]
PEARL: [twirling it gleefully] That's it, fellas. It's *thingy* time!
BOBO & OBSERVER: *Gasp* [they draw away fearfully].
PEARL: Works every time. Until later, Mikey-bo! MUAHAHAHAHAHA...
[Fade out to the sound of maniacal laughter, interspersed with a "whappity-
whappity sound and various cries of "Yeowch! Ooooh! Owieowieowie!!"]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"CAKE AND CABLE SHUTDOWN": by "jo...@nine7.demon.co.uk" (Dr Biosicfix)
MiSTING: by Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED: by Michael K. Neylon
EXECUTIVE ORDERS: by Tom Clancy
HEARTACHES: by the number
PARTS: The Clonus Horror
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Gene Roddenberry,
Huey Lewis, The News, and whoever invented peanut butter.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and © Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of
copyrighted and trademarked material and characters is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held
by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. So put that little thought right out of your mind!
Soundtrack available on Decca Records, Tapes, and 8-Tracks
Keep circulating the posts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
> such is human nature.
Bill L.
#57776
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bi...@Traveller.COM
Best if Used by Date on Label