MSTed (Animaniacs): Click your heels... (2/3)
Petrea Mitchell
WB...6...5...4...3...2...o...
>
> From cmcl2!newsjunkie.ans.net!hera.csdco.com!swiss.ans.net!news.pic.
> net!usenet Mon Apr 3 15:24:03 1995
> Path: cmcl2!newsjunkie.ans.net!hera.csdco.com!swiss.
Dot: Something tells me this is going to be really cheesy.
Yakko: And full of plot holes.
> ans.net!news.pic.net!usenet
> From: rac...@pic.net (Rachel Loss-Cutler)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Dot: Oh, there's a good sign....
> Subject: New Voy story: Click your heels three times...
Yakko: And say, "There's no fanfic being written..."
> Date: 30 Mar 1995 20:19:40 GMT
> Organization: Starfleet, Rihannsu Star Empire
Wakko: Is that near Anvilania?
> Lines: 9
> Message-ID: <3lf3os$m...@gandalf.pic.net>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: dal69.pic.net
Yakko: Goodnight, everybody!
> X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.90.4
>
> Hi!
All: Hi!
> I have just finished a Voyager story that I am posting
> now.
All: Say WHAT?!
> All comments are needed,
All: She *asked* for it!!
> I really need feedback (sp?)!
[Wakko pulls out a microphone, taps it, and is rewarded with a screech
of feedback.]
Yakko: No, you spelled it correctly.
Dot: Too bad it won't last....
> I also would like it if people wrote and gave me a better
> idea for a title,
Wakko: How 'bout "Bores in Space"?
Dot: The Henson Estate would sue us.
> or if you don't mind this one.
Yakko: We have no problem with the title. The story, on the other
hand...
> Also, sorry Ratlif,
Wakko: There's irony for you-- someone misspelling Ratliff's name.
> i finished it quicker then I thought I
> would.
Dot: A Ratliff protege? I think I'm gonna die...
> Thank's,
All: <scream>
> Rachel
>
> From cmcl2!panix!bloom-beacon
Yakko: Lock phasers on Bloom County.
> .mit.edu!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!
> uunet!in1.uu.net!solaris
Wakko: But I don't play _BattleTech_...
> .cc.vt.edu!swiss
Yakko: Great. This thing is neutrally boring.
> .ans.net!news.
> pic.net!usenet Mon Apr 3 15:24:22 1995
> Path: cmcl2!panix!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.
> ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!uunet!in1.uu.net!solaris.cc.vt.edu!swiss.
> ans.net!news.pic.net!usenet
Wakko: Second verse, same as the first.
> From: rac...@pic.net (Rachel Loss-Cutler)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: New Voy story: Click your heels three times...
> 01/04 - clickyo1.voy [1/1]
Yakko: Well, if she's condemned to MS-DOS, that makes me feel better.
> Date: 30 Mar 1995 20:21:57 GMT
> Organization: Starfleet, Rihannsu Star Empire
Dot: Another ship secedes from the Klingon Empire.
> Lines: 99
> Message-ID: <3lf3t5$m...@gandalf.pic.net>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: dal69.pic.net
Yakko: You should be ashamed of yourself, pic.net!
> Mime-Version: 1.0
Wakko: It's Mime Time.
Yakko: We did that one already.
> Content-Type: multipart/mixed;
Yakko: Story-Type: Boredom/Terminal.
> X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.90.4
>
> I am sorry
Dot: Great, even the author regrets this story.
> to have to post this in such small parts.
Dot: But it's the only way to prolong the agony.
>
>
>
> Click your heels three times...
All: There's no place like the Alpha Quadrant. There's no place like the
Alpha Quadrant. There's no place like the Alpha Quadrant.
> a Voyager story by Rachel Loss-Cutler
>
> Notes: There is probably no way that this will actually take place,
All: WE CAN HOPE!
> it is written purely for enjoyment.
Dot: Of those whose who worship the Marquis de Sade.
Wakko: I think the only ones who are going to enjoy this are Pinky and
The Brain.
> This is my first try at a Voyager story.
Dot: If at first you don't succeed-- quit.
>
>
> Everyone on the bridge was tense.
Wakko: Including the adjectives?
Dot: Sure, they're Japanese adjectives.
> Especially the captain, But she didn't show it.
Yakko: She wanted to know what comedian fiddled with her comma and peri-
od keys.
> Infront of the Voyager was an unidentified
> ship, and to their side was an M-class planet.
Dot: Clowns to the left of her, jokers to the right of her...
Wakko: CLOWN!
> They had just gone into the system
Yakko: With a stolen password.
> identified by Neelix as the Li'karn system, or the
> system of lost
Dot: Plots.
> souls,
Wakko: Full of those who have read Ratliff fanfics.
> to investigate strange power readings emanating somewhere near there.
Yakko: [old man] Turn that stereo down!
> Neelix had said that he had stayed
> far away from there, but hadn't given a reason.
Dot: Rumors involving him, four young ladies, and a goat...
Yakko: I wonder if Neelix ever feels lonely, being the only one on the
ship with a survival instinct.
> He had identified the planet as K*bj*Yi,
Yakko: Hey, there are kids watching!
> parts of the name were totally unpronounceable for Terrans,
Wakko: And equally uninteresting.
> K'BijYe is as close as they could get. The ship, was an
> unknown design as far as he knew.
Yakko: But Chakotay had seen something like it in a vision, so it was okay.
> "Hailling the ship, Captain." Ensign Kim said.
Dot: Stop playing with the weather machine!
> Captain Janeway stood up and spoke:
> "This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship
> Voyager, please respond."
Wakko: [as recorded message] If you would like to make a call...
> Suddenly the console beeped. "We have a response!" Ensign Kim
> grinned.
Dot: [as Kim] Wow! I did something right today!
Yakko: It's in Morse Code. "U-P-Y-O-U-R-S". Huh?
> "Audio only. Putting it on speakers."
All: [singing] All we hear is-- Radio Ga-ga, Radio Goo-goo, Radio Ga-ga!
Wakko: Freddie, you are missed.
> "Who ARE you?
Dot: Who are *you*? Could we have some exposition, author?
Yakko: Clint Eastwood's character from _High Plains Drifter_.
> I must see you for myself!"
> "Getting a visual...on screen."
Dot: Eww! Close your robe!
> The woman on the screen was striking.
Yakko: Striking what?
Dot: Rachel Loss-Cutler, I hope.
> She looked like someone who wouldn't waste her time on the
> unimportant.
Wakko: Like baths and stuff.
> She spoke:
Yakko: Hey, she acknowledged the _Voyager_! That's wasting time on the
unimportant!
> "I know the people here...you are not one of them.
Wakko: [Southern goober-drawl] You ain't from around here, are ya, boy?
> Did my foolish Relative bring you here?"
Yakko: Oh, sure, insult the guests. Miss Manners will hear about this!
> "Relative" the captain said, almost reverently, this being might
> be
> able to bring them home!
Yakko: She thinks they can get home just because the lady has in-laws?
> "We were brought here against our will
Wakko: Oh, you brought Riker with you?
> from the Alpha quadrant by a being who called himself a caretaker...
Dot: 'Cause his social life was dead.
> He said that there was another one of your race here...are you that
> person?"
> "Yes."
Yakko: Same dull conversation, same excessively high technology-- yep,
we're related, all right.
> The Captain had been pacing back and fourth,
Wakko: Wishing she could get her hands on a fifth.
> locking her hands
Yakko: She's way too KEYED up!
> and gesturing with them,
> speaking faster and faster.
Yakko: [as auctioneer] 5, 5, do I hear 10? 10, do I hear 15? 15, any for
20?
> Now she stood still,
All: [sound of tires screeching]
> her motions
Dot: Or lack of them.
> a plea. "Could you bring us home?"
Wakko: [as woman] Well, it would be easier to SEND you home, but, what-
ever.
> The being smiled.
Dot: [sweetly] In your dreams, human scum.
> "The answers you seek are on K*bj*Yi.
All: GASP!
> I give you permission to beam as many people as you wish, as long as
> none
> of you harm a sentenant being there."
Wakko: Carlos Sentenant? No, wait, that's Santana....
Yakko: For those of you playing at home, this is what's called a "plot
point".
> Janeway smiled "That won't be a problem, our scans show no
> sentenant
> life on the planet."
Yakko: Or on this ship.
Wakko: Or in the writer.
Dot: What about sentient life in this fanfic?
> The being just smiled.
Dot: Displaying row upon row of needle-sharp teeth.
Wakko: [as woman] Schmucks.
> It was a pleasant one. but Tuvok was the only one who noticed it, the
> rest
> of the bridge crew were too busy trying to contain their glee,
All: Bad glee! Back to your cage!
> until the viewscrean
Dot: AIEEEE!
Yakko: I think she meant "screen", not "scream".
> went back to still stars.
Wakko: I prefer the Flying Toaster screensaver myself.
> Then they cheered, thumped each other on the back,
Dot: Kim's choking on a fishbone! Heimlich, somebody!
Wakko: Why bother?
> and let out some of the
> loudest screams of glee ever heard on Voyager before.
Yakko: Excepting, of course, those heard from Paris's quarters on
"party" nights...
Dot: They're torturing Thom Merrilin like there's no tomorrow.
> The weights were lifted off their shoulders,
Wakko: When did they convert the bridge to a gymnasium?
Dot: The He's Dead Gym?
[Wakko does a rimshot]
Dot: It's an old one, Wakko.
> there was a chance to go home.
Dot: And find out who'd been altering semicolons into commas.
> After things quieted down, Janeway said "Chakotay, Ensign Kim,
> Lieutenant Pairis and Ensign Bron,
Yakko: Uh-oh. Faceless Security type.
Dot: "PAIRIS"?! [gags]
> report to transporter room one."
Dot: Bring a llama.
Yakko: NO LLAMA REFS!
> Tuvok said "Captain, I would like to go instead of Ensign Bron."
Yakko: [as Tuvok] Captain, how dare you send a secondary character in my
place.
> Janeway took a long look at him,
Dot: Ohh... yellow just isn't your color.
> and replied "Alright Tuvok."
Dot: [as Janeway] We still have to conserve our faceless phaser-fodder.
> "I also suggest that Kes would make a good choice, in case we
> should
> need Medical assistance, and she could learn from the experience."
Wakko: Besides, she's a proven organ donor.
Yakko: And learn to use semi-colons.
> "I doubt that you will need Medical assistance, but she can go, do
> you
> think that she's ready?"
Wakko: To use semicolons? I doubt it.
> "That would be a question that our Doctor is better equipped to
> answer."
Dot: Oh-- he controls the semicolon supplies?
> "Yes, of course you're right. I'll go ask him immediately."
Yakko: Silly me! I can't go around making decisions, that's for the men!
> *************
> The Doctor
Dot: Who?
Wakko: Exactly.
> and Kes looked up as Janeway entered sickbay.
Yakko and Wakko: Hello, nurse!
Dot: [sotto voce] Literally.
> "I'll come right to the point." Janeway said.
Yakko: Hey-- this is a network show!
Dot: [Janeway] I think I'm actually a male Ferengi.
Wakko: She looks it.
> "Good, Kes and I have work to do."
Dot: Gotta love that military respect for superiors.
> "This is about Kes, do you think she is qualified to perform
Yakko: Ohh, yes...
> in a medical capacity on an away team yet?"
Yakko: I draw the line at THAT!
> The Doctor gave Kes an appraising look,
Wakko: I hate depreciation.
> and replied
Dot: That depends. How badly are you planning to get injured?
> "Yes. I think she is. But Captain, you will need to ask her
> whether SHE is ready."
> Before Janeway could do so Kes said
Dot: [as Kes] Hey, lady-- you lost a comma!
> "I am, I heard about our mission,
Wakko: You know, the Alpha Quadrant and all that jazz...
> I think that I could help."
Yakko: Find those missing semicolons and commas?
> "Well then, report to transporter room one. I'll inform Neelix."
Dot: That we're sending you to die.
Wakko: Thanks, nice nameless person!
> "Thank you Captain."
> Janeway nodded, and Kes walked out of the door, with an extra
> bounce
> in her step.
Dot: Nike Air?
Wakko: No-- the gravity-control units were acting up.
> *************
> The away team beamed down to the planet, and saw an unexpected sight.
Wakko: The Rockettes!
Yakko: A decent plot?
> They were surrounded by
Dot: Annoyed B5 fans.
> atleast half of the races from the
Yakko: NASCAR Winston Cup Series; the noise was unbelievable.
> Beta and Alpha
> quadrants, with shuttle crafts and small ships all around them.
Wakko: And a stack of commas and semi-colons about a mile high.
> There were buildings with a patched together look,
Yakko: The Village of _Voyager_ plots.
> some people just slept in their ships. Everyone was fighting.
Dot: To keep from falling asleep while reading this.
Wakko: Pies, anvils, forklifts-- they've beamed into the DigiVerse!
> Chakotay grimly said
> "Now we know what happened to the people the Caretaker brought."
Wakko: They became British soccer fans.
> Just then a Norsican
Yakko: That's a Nausicaan from Alabama.
> jumped out of the fray, and tripped
Dot: Out, screaming, "The dwarf!"
> Harry. Pairis gasped, ran over and tripped the Norsican back.
Wakko: To The Future.
Yakko: Thank you for the gratuitous Spielberg reference.
> He fell flat on his face,
Dot: Not unlike this fanfic.
> with an obviously.
Yakko: That's a unique sound effect.
Wakko: An "obviously"? Hey, I need one for my Gag Bag.
> Chakotay decided that they would have to
Dot: Trip on a plot point here.
> beam over into another area, and tried to tap his communicator.
Yakko: It was empty.
> It was gone, along with everyone else's.
Dot: Good common sense?
Wakko: [as Chakotay] D'oh! I must've dropped it in the soup again.
>
> The End of part one.
> Copyright 1995 by Rachel Loss-Cutler
> You may copy this story as many times as you want, as long as
> my name stays on it, and so does this notice.
Dot: Heaven forbid someone else would want to take responsibility for
this.
> If you want to
> sell it make me an offer (I'd be flattered) Otherwise don't even
> THINK about it!
>
>
> Click your heels three times...
All: There's no place like Hain. There's no place like Hain. There's no
place like Hain.
> a Voyager story by Rachel Loss-Cutler
>
>
> Part 2
>
> B'elanna swore and banged on a console.
Yakko: They'd scrambled the Playboy Channel!
> One of the Starfleet officers smirked and whispered to his partner
Wakko: She looks like a fanboy!
> "This is more educational then the academy!"
Yakko: Goodnight, everybody!
> One look from B'elanna quieted the would-be smart aleck.
Wakko: [as B'elanna] I won't stop with your nose this time.
Dot: [glares at screen] Darn. It doesn't work on fanfics.
> "Torres to Janeway," A beeping flashing console
Yakko: Blinking and beeping and flashing and flashing and they're beep-
ing and blinking-- I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! THEY'RE BLINKING AND
BEEPING-- [Dot whomps him on the head] Sorry-- Shatner flashback.
> caught her attention, and she spit out another curse.
Dot: Ptooi!
> This time in Klingon.
Dot: Something about sentence fragments.
> Everyone except her Bajoran friend found something else to do quickly.
Yakko: Oh, come on, this is _Voyager_! No one does anything quickly!
> Seska came closer, to listen to the conversation, and put in her two
> credits.
Wakko: Visa and Mastercard.
> "Torres, this is Janeway, is there something wrong Lieutenant?"
> The Captain's voice was harsh, she still hadn't forgiven Torres for
Yakko: Not using semicolons.
> disobeying a direct order,
Wakko: What order? "Do not swear in Klingon"?
> and endangering the ship.
Dot: Of course, boring the audience was perfectly all right.
> "Yes Captain! Our sensors just showed
Yakko: Yet another missing comma!
> something similar to a cloaking device on the planet, it has enough
> power
> to
Wakko: Annihilate semicolons from 1000 kilometers away!
> keep a complete shield over the planet for one solar week, our sensors
> now
> show a civilization as advanced as we are on K*bj*Yi,
All: Gesundheit.
> in some ways more advanced!"
Dot: Wow! It's been colonized by cheela!
> "Can you beam the away team back if necessary?"
Yakko: "If necessary"?! OH, COME ON!
> "Yes..." The console blurped
Wakko: Excuse me. Had a lot of Coors.
> and B'elanna looked frustrated.
Dot: That danged cauliflower and root-beer lunch.
> "No Captain.
Yakko: Call ambulance. Keep warm.
> I'm showing Terrans, Vulcans, Romulans, Ferangi, Cardassians,
> Klingons Norsicans and...
Dot: Semicolons?
> Packled on the surface.
Wakko: They're pickled on the surface?
> We can't distinguish the Away team from anyone else."
Wakko: Neither can the author.
Dot: Look for Mr. T-- he's pretty distinctive.
> "What about their communicators?"
> "Gone. I can't find a trace."
Yakko: Or a Kevin, or a Mike, or a-- oh, sorry.
> "What about Kes? Are there any Okampa?"
> "No Captain.
Dot: [as Janeway] I don't care about Captains. What about Okampa?
> There aren't any Okampa on the planet."
Dot: [as Janeway] Thank you.
> "B'elanna, I want you to work on a way to get them back, make it
> top
> priority,
Yakko: Well, top priority after my coffee.
> They might know more of what is going on then we do."
Dot: They'd certainly know more than *we* do!
Yakko: They might also have a proofreader.
> "Aye aye, Captain. Torres out." As soon as the communication link
> terminated B'elanna
Dot: Oh, joy-- now the ship is killing off annoying secondary charac-
ters.
> started barking out orders,
Yakko: Considering her looks, I'm not surprised.
> if the Captain wanted the away team back on the ship, they were going
> to be
> there.
Wakko: If she wanted proper punctuation and grammar, well...
> *************
> Neelix came in with a slight frown on his face.
Yakko: [as Neelix] Rats. I thought I wasn't going to be in this.
> "Captain, where is Kes?"
Wakko: In the Village.
Dot: Wasn't that disembodied voice going to tell him?
> Janeway looked up from the PADD she had been studying
Dot: Not one word, you two.
> and replied "She's on the planet."
Wakko: Of The Dolls?
Yakko: Ohh, yeah...
Dot: She's toast. Go away.
> "bbbbut why?"
Wakko: [Roger Rabbit voice] B-b-b-but why?
> "I put her on the away team.
Dot: [as Janeway] Unfortunately, your pet quote mark was standing too
close to the transporter....
> "You did WHAT?"
> "Neelix, I gave Kes me permission to go down with the away team."
Yakko: With ears like that, you should be able to hear me from a mile
off!
> "Where is she now?"
Yakko: On the planet! Don't you listen?
> "Neelix I...I don't know."
Dot: And frankly, I don't care.
> "You LOST HER??!!"
Wakko: Uhh, Neelix, stop me if I'm wrong, but that is the CAPTAIN you're
talking to...
> "Like I lost all the rest.
Yakko: Oh, right, she's PROUD of it!
> Look Neelix, you aren't her keeper,
Dot: She's *your* keeper, dog-face!
> and you aren't responsible for something..."
> "That I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT!
Dot: Thank you, Mr. Nuremburg Defendant.
> And may I remind you that you ARE responsible for what happens to her,
Yakko: No-- actually, the writer is, but that's another area altogether.
> and if something bad does...
Wakko: Pat, I'd like to buy a verb.
> then I don't know what I'll do...
Yakko: Neither does the author.
> but I guaranty that YOU WON'T LIKE IT!"
Dot: [as Neelix] Maybe I'll start misspelling YOUR lines!
Wakko: Or I could start COOKING again!
> And Neelix stormed out. Janeway sighed,
Yakko: He'd rained on the rug.
> and once again sifted through
Dot: The hair he'd left on the carpet.
> the possible solutions for getting the away team back on the ship,
Wakko: Number 1: Shuttlecraft. Nah. Too easy.
> none of them likely to work. She thought to herself
Yakko: Cursed plot contrivances.
> *I wish I knew what that...
Dot: Careful, missy.
> Trickster
Dot: Thank you.
> is up to...*
Yakko: Which, the Riddler or the Joker?
> *************
B'elanna swore again.
Yakko: They'd pre-empted _90210_.
> It was becoming a natural occurrence,
Dot: Like sleep.
> and Seska was becoming sick of it.
> "B'elanna, tone it down!"
Dot: FarSide may be reading this!
> B'elanna looked sheepish
Dot: SAY NOTHING! NOTHING!
> and said "I'm sorry, it's the Klingon half of me."
Yakko: Isn't that a country song?
Wakko: The Klingon half of her is a sheep?
> "Bull."
Wakko: Oh! I thought she said it was a sheep.
Yakko: At that moment, the Schlitz Malt Liquor advertisement came burs-
ting through a wall. Several faceless extras were trampled.
> Torres looked startled, "What?"
> "I said Bull!
Dot: You know, the guy on Night Court.
> I'm getting sick and tired of you blaming all your temper
> outbursts on your
Yakko: Lunch.
> Klingon side. Klingons know how to control it,
Yakko: And the less said about that the better.
> so why can't you?
Wakko: Those blood worms are a natural laxative.
> You are becoming better about it,
Yakko: We no longer have to lay down newspaper...
> but every time you have a temper tantrum you blame it on your Klingon
> side!"
Yakko: [as Col. Erhardt] SHIFT, SHIFT SHIFT! DAT'S ALL YOU DO!
> "You may be right, Seska."
Dot: But, more likely, you aren't.
> "What do you mean May Be?"
Wakko: Don't they have dictionaries in the 24th century?
> B'elanna smiled,
Dot: I think I'm more worried about these sudden mood swings.
> and the two of them walked out for an unidentifiable drink
Yakko: It was yellow, and it smelled, but it wasn't beer...
> at Neelix's "Restaurant".
Wakko: [sings] Get anything you want, at Neelix's Restaurant...
Yakko: Yeah-- food poisoning, ringworm, The Evacuation Of Corinth...
Dot: [as B'elanna] I think some booze could help solve our life-threat-
ening situation, don't you?
> ***************
> Copyright 1995 by Rachel Loss-Cutler
> You may copy this story as many times as you want, as long as
> my name stays on it, and so does this notice. If you want to
> sell it make me an offer
Yakko: I think I know someone who'd make a good offer on your soul.
> (I'd be flattered) Otherwise don't even
> THINK about it!
...o...2...3...4...5...6...WB
[Wakko wanders out, still very depressed. He picks up a 12-string guitar,
plays a few notes, then launches into a song:]
[Song: "Kill Me" (to the tune of Queen's "Save Me")]
This fanfic's writing smells
Makes me want to pull my hair
Bored to death by a story from England
How I loathe it --
Wanna cry.
The character are all boring
Naught but shadows, it seems
The plot's so dull, I want to cry
"Please end it, or I'll die!"
Kill me, kill me, kill me
I can't stand this 'fic no more
Kill me, kill me, kill me
This 'fic is such a bloomin' *bore*!
My fate is all too clear
I'll be dead before Part 3
I feel so bad, I want to spew
Clear a pathway -- to the loo
I hang my head, I heave a sigh
A message must be sent
To this 'fic's author, R. Loss-Cutler
Two small words: "GET BENT!"
Kill me, kill me, kill me
I can't stand this 'fic no more
Kill me, kill me, kill me
Readin' it 's become a chore
[slow acoustic guitar and keyboard solo]
Each line I cry, "Why'd you believe the lie
Someone told you, that you could write!"
[patent Brian May guitar solo]
Kill me, kill me, kill me
Don't let face this 'fic no more
Kill me, kill me, kill me
This 'fic's causin' me to snore...
[ending piano solo]
[ObLightsandSirens]
WB...6...5...4...3...2...o...
[continued in part 3]
Petrea Mitchell
WB...6...5...4...3...2...o...
> From cmcl2!panix!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.
> net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!solaris.cc.vt.edu!swiss.ans.net!news.pic.net!
> usenet Mon Apr 3 15:24:44 1995
> Path: cmcl2!panix!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.
> ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!solaris.cc.vt.edu!swiss.ans.net!news.pic.
> net!usenet
> From: rac...@pic.net (Rachel Loss-Cutler)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: New Voy story: Click your heels three times...03/04 -
> clickyo3.voy [1/1]
> Date: 30 Mar 1995 20:23:42 GMT
> Organization: Starfleet, Rihannsu Star Empire
> > Lines: 82
> Message-ID: <3lf40e$m...@gandalf.pic.net>
Yakko: Uh-oh. [covering Wakko's and Dot's eyes] Sorry, sibs-- I can't
let you read the posting host.
> NNTP-Posting-Host: dal69.pic.net
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-Type: X-Other
> X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.90.4
>
> Click your heels three times...
All: There's no place like Burbank. There's no place like Burbank.
There's no place like Burbank.
> a Voyager story by Rachel Loss-Cutler
>
> Part 3
>
> "We aren't smart." a Packled said sadly.
Dot: One of the writers, folks.
> "We aren't strong." His companion soberly agreed.
Yakko: [as Pakled] I hate it when he gets drunk.
Wakko: Those two just spoke for everyone in this story.
> "You are strong? You are smart?" The first Packled hopefully
> asked.
> Lt. Pairis looked at the strange sentenant and said, "I'm not so
> sure
> about either of those."
Dot: Dot looked at the strange sentence and said, "I don't think I can
take much more of this."
> "Oh PLEASE don't do the poor me thing again..."
Dot: Aaah! The disembodied voice is back!
Yakko: What? You gonna cry? Cry!
> "Be quiet Harry. You do have to admit it was pretty stupid
> tripping
> that Norsican."
Wakko: Well, *you* tripped him.
Yakko: Why did you bring those mushrooms anyway?!
> "I think it was brave actually, but you CAN be quite stupid, can't
> you."
Dot: But, then again, I'm here, so how bright can I be?
> "Considering it was YOUR but I saved..."
Yakko: Yeah, don't forget he saved your conjunction!
Wakko: Sorry I wasn't fast enough to save the other "t".
> "OK, OK, knock it off."
Yakko: He saved it and now you want him to knock it off?
Wakko: Too late-- someone already did.
> "Now why should I when I'm finally getting the upper hand and-"
Dot: Because it will shorten this fanfic?
> "In case you were unaware of our situation Lt.,
Yakko: Situation Lite-- 1/3 less interesting that your usual fanfic.
> we do not have time for bickering. May I suggest that you settle this
> POINTLESS discussion another time?"
Dot: Or, better yet, don't restart it at all?
> Tuvok interrupted before it could get worse.
All: TOO LATE, AERIAL EARS!
> "You may, but do we have to listen to you?"
Wakko: Yeah! Just 'cause Tuvok's the superior officer doesn't mean he
can order everyone around!
Yakko: Well, WE have to! Why should you be spared?
> Tuvok gave Lt. Pairis the Vulcan I-am-logical-so-I-won't-indulge-
> in-
> pointless-backstabbing-like-you-when-I-have work-to-do look.
Dot: Cue Stock Trekkie Moment Number 897.
Yakko: Hey, Rachel's a Retief fan.
> "Did any of you have crewpeople taken away?" Kim asked the
> multitude.
Yakko: And who ordered the large pizza?
> "We hope they died well." A Klingon affirmed.
> "We tried to rescue them, but we had no idea where they were!"
> An enigmatic Terran pleaded.
> "Do you think that we would endanger ourselves by going after two
> measly personnel?" A Romulan sneered.
Wakko: What about two personnel with chicken pox?
Yakko: Wait! WE'RE THE TWO CREWMEMBERS!
> "Why do you want to know?" A cautious Cardassian questioned.
> "It's none of your business, bug off." A Mad Norsican growled.
Dot: A mad Norsican? It's DalNor! Prep the anvils!
> "How much will you pay me to tell you?" A Ferangi Business person
> inquired.
> "It was illogical to risk the many for the few." A Vulcan stated.
Yakko: I see someone got a thesaurus for Christmas.
> "We aren't smart. We aren't strong." A Packled mournfully sobbed.
Dot: [as phone operator] Welcome to Cliched Character Catchphrase Col-
lection Center. May I take your order?
Yakko: Aaaaaaah-- maybe I'm wrong, but I thought Star Trek was AGAINST
racial stereotyping...
> "OK, I get the idea.
All: FINALLY!
> Now, would you mind telling us how you got here?
Wakko: Ask the writer.
> My payment for that, is a promise that I'll get you all off this
> planet
> with us in your ship if I can, and if you want to go."
Yakko: Of course, you'll still be 75 years from home, but...
> Everyone started talking at once.
Dot: It's the McLaughlin Group!
> "How about if you take turns? in the order that you spoke last
> time?"
Wakko: Good idea, Mr. Non-Person!
Yakko: Like they'll be able to remember?
> "A Spiteful woman promised that the answer for going home was on
> this planet, and that all we had to do was get it! And also not to
> harm a
> sentenant creature here. Then a group of Romulans beamed down..."
Dot: Who are you again?
> "It was the same for us! Only we saw a group of Romulans and
> Klingons
> fighting so we ran out of the way, in time to see a group of
> Cardassians
> beam down right infront of us! This man's wife was killed by the
> slime..."
Yakko: It was Colonel Mustard in the billiard room with the pistol!
> "Our experience was the same. Except we beamed down right infront
> of a
> group of damned Klingons..."
Dot: They smelled like brimstone, anyway.
Yakko: The voices! Get the voices out of my head!
> "We had the same thing happen to us. Only we beamed down right
> infront
> of a group of filthy Marquis,
Yakko: Lincoln owners have no pride.
Dot: They were escapees from the French Revolution.
> they attacked us and we had to defend ourselves..."
> "We beamed down in the middle of a fight.
Wakko: Oh, they have hockey on this planet.
Dot: Careful-- Hikeeba may be reading this.
> We fought back!"
> "You are going to pay us? Those nitbrain children had refused to
> pay
> us our dues in the past, we tried to capture a few for ransom..."
All: [speaking simultaneously] Which? Huh? Are we in the same fanfic?
> "We are looking at the planet for the same reasons.
Dot: And the asking price is decent too.
> We have no
> quarrel with anyone here, and we are still free to leave."
Yakko: Then try it, Aerial Ears!
> "Bad people tried to hurt us.
Wakko: [childish voice] BAD MANS!
> We a little strong. We fought back! we
> can't leave anymore..." and the Packled all started crying. All the
> people
> there, were obviously driven to their wits end by the boo hooing
> toddlers.
Yakko: Guys, I hate Star Trek, and I'm offended by this!
> *****************
> Kes found herself in a strange place.
Dot: Deep 8?
Yakko: Telegraph Avenue?
> This ship was not the planet,
Wakko: The planet was the ship!
> and there wasn't a sign of the rest of the away team.
Dot: Except some taped silhouettes.
> She wasn't frightened,
Yakko: In fact, she was relieved to be away from those Federation bozos.
> but the emptiness of the place was a bit unnerving.
Dot: As was the complete lack of a setting.
> "Hello...is anyone there...my name is Kes, and I have no idea what
> I'm
> doing here..."
Yakko: Whoa. BIG surprise there, folks.
Wakko: And neither does the author...
> *I am here. You are an Okampa?*
Dot: No, but I play one on TV.
> "Yes..." *I am* Kes slid into Telepathic contact,
Wakko: The bodywork damage wasn't serious.
> talking with the mind instead of the voice.
Dot: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
> *What do you want?
Wakko: Information.
> Where is everyone else?*
Yakko: With their dates? What're YOU doing? Heh heh.
> *On the planet. I brought you here because you are different.
Dot: Ignore the burning cross, please.
> I would like you to tell me, how my friend is.
Wakko: And how that comma got in there.
> The one who brought your friends so far away.*
Wakko: [sings] Over there...
Dot: Wakko, there are no Level 42 fans out there!
> *He is dead.*
> *Ohhhh.....
Yakko: Boy, did you all screw up!
> Then the time is now.*
> *The time for WHAT?*
Dot: For the story to END?!
Wakko: No, time for the Who.
Yakko: Third base!
> *You will see...*
Yakko: And, sadly, so will we.
> *****************
> Copyright 1995 by Rachel Loss-Cutler
> You may copy this story as many times as you want, as long as
> my name stays on it, and so does this notice. If you want to
> sell it
Wakko: As what, anti-Prozac?
> make me an offer (I'd be flattered) Otherwise don't even
> THINK about it!
>
>
> Click your heels three times...
> a Voyager story by Rachel Loss-Cutler
>
>
> Part 4
Dot: It feels like part 40.
> "The...Yes!
Yakko: Yes is here too?
Wakko: Strange name for a ship.
> The ship is definitely hailing us Captain."
Dot: But we're called _Voyager_...
> "Thank you Mr. Ulan.
Yakko: Bator.
> Audio or Visual?"
Yakko: Actually, it's a Smell-O-Gram.
> "Visual. On screen." Once again the Holographic projection
Dot: The "H" on her forehead gave it away.
Wakko: So her relative is the emergency medical program!
> of the Caretakers relative
Wakko: Didn't Hegel theorize that all Caretakers are relative?
> came on the screen.
Yakko: Goodnight, everybody!
> "It is time, whoever wishes to go home must do so now."
Wakko: You vill get on ze transporter NOW!
> "What do you mean?
Dot: Is this Janeway a blonde?
> I think that you owe us an explanation!"
Yakko: And you owe us an apology!
> "I owe you nothing,
Dot: I pay my taxes.
> but an explanation you will get anyway. I am cleaning up after my
> friend.
Dot: With a heavy-duty Pooper Scooper.
> Everyone that he brings here, I bring back.
Wakko: Then he brings them here again. It's fun!
Yakko: My name is Deus Ex Machina.
> If he can't use the supposedly compatible people, I disinfect them,
Yakko: Exsqueeze me?! Do I dare wonder what she meant by THAT?!
> and send them home. I have been keeping the rest of the people on the
> Planet-ship,
Dot: Run by some guy named "Vader".
> until he is done bringing others here. Then I will send them to their
> homes,
Yakko: [as cop with bullhorn] PLEASE DISPERSE! THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE
HERE!
> and that will be the last I'll see of them.
Wakko: I guess Proposition 187 is Constitutional here.
> If you wish to go home, you need to place your ship on the World-ship
> now.
Dot: That puts me in Checkmate.
> I will come with you to push it."
> "Push it?"
Yakko: Yeah-- the snow was heavy last night.
Wakko: I'd say shove it.
> "It is big, it requires Teleportation as well as fuel drive."
Dot: Darn. And me without my Magic deck.
> "Why on EARTH did you deceive us?"
Dot: [as woman] Because I WANTED to. So THERE. Besides, you weren't ON
Earth, you nob!
> "It was the only way to get you on the world-ship, and keep you
> there
> by binding oath and not by force."
Wakko: Oh-- the Contract With The _Voyager_.
> "You could have asked!" Janeway said,
Dot: Sheesh. Just volunteer me, why don't you?!
> knowing that the lady was right, but still needing to know her answer.
Wakko: 42.
> "The Romulans, Cardassians, Norsicans, and Ferangi would have
> thought
> that it was a trap, or not believed me.
Yakko. Yeah-- like anyone with a brain would...
> The Klingons would have excepted it on oath, but I had to get the
> others
> off too!
All: GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!
> Putting conditions on it
Dot: Would give it split-ends.
> convinced everyone that the offer was genuine, and gave me the right
> to
> keep them there."
Yakko: I have seen some poor excuses for imprisoning people...
> "Why are you doing this?" Janeway was almost convinced.
> "Because I hate a mess. Kind of like picking up your children's
> socks."
All: HEY!
Dot: Well, more like caging their cats.
> "I'm not sure that I like the comparison,
Dot: I'd rather be the socks-- they smell better.
> but you most certainly have yourself a deal! May we beam Lt. Pairis on
> our
> ship, for navigation?"
Yakko: 'Cause we can't have any secondary characters on the bridge.
Wakko: Why don't you beam him where he is-- it'll take less time.
> "Yes." and the communication terminated.
Yakko: That chick makes Francis Pumphandle sound reticent.
Dot: This story makes Francis Pumphandle sound interesting.
> Everyone was in shock.
All: THEY KILLED BRANNON BRAGA?! HOORAY!
> Captain Janeway was mumbling "Oh my, oh my,oh my..." over and over.
Yakko: Hey, what are you doing over there?!
Wakko and Dot: EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
> She shock herself
Wakko: [sings] Shock the moron!
> out of it
Yakko: Lit a cigarette.
> and announced over the intercom:
> <<<This is Janeway.
Dot: That is an intercom.
Wakko: <<<DOES GOD LOVE YOU?>>>
> I have wonderful news for you...we are going home!>>>
All: [as crew] YAY! NO MORE STUPID SHOWS!
> After that Pairis came out of the 'lift and said:
Yakko: [as Paris] After that display of racial stereotyping, I need to
spend about a month in the shower....
> "What happened?"
> "Mr. Pairis, plot a corse
All: Ow-hoo-hoo...
> to the planet, and land us there."
Dot: Preferably near a "U".
> "Um...Aye Captain..." Lt. Pairis said, bewildered.
Yakko: [as Janeway] No, I Captain. You Lieutenant Paris.
Wakko: Not Pairis?
Yakko and Dot: NO!
> "Engage."
Wakko: [as Paris] But I don't want to get married.
Dot: [as Janeway] Oh, stop acting like Eightball!
> And the Voyager landed on the planet, which set off for the Alpha
> quadrant, at warp twelve.
Wakko: That must have been one nasty landing bounce.
Yakko: [as airline pilot] Take that, Burbank!
Dot: Oh, they landed on He.
> ***********************
> After hearing that announcement B'elanna and Seska threw their drinks
> at one another in celebration, they were more fun to wear then to
> drink.
Yakko: [heaves a sigh] Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you out there
who feel that comments directed exclusively at grammar and spel-
ling erors are cheap and unneeded, we present-- this sentence.
> Neelix saw the waste of a perfectly good drink, sighed, and replaced
> the
> liquid in the glasses.
Dot: It would be best if you did not ask from whence the liquid came...
> B'elanna and Seska gave each other looks of terror,
Dot: We warned you...
> and when Neelix wasn't looking emptied their glasses
Wakko: Not to mention their stomachs.
> under the table, and made a hasty exit.
Wakko: Neelix's Ex-Lax Spritzers were NOT popular.
> ***********************
> When the Voyager appeared at Space dock one,
Yakko: Wow. All this time, and they still find a spot near the door!
> needless to say everyone was surprised.
All: RATS! THEY CAME BACK!
> A World-ship like that was unknown technology.
Wakko: A World-Ship like the Death Star-- that was old hat.
Dot: And when Space Dock One was pulled into its gravity well and
crashed, they had to do some quick explaining.
> Everything was straightened out,
Wakko: [feigning panic] The Hounds come through the ANGLES of space!
Dot: Wakko, no one reads H. P. Lovecraft anymore.
> and Janeway beamed down to talk to Admiral Nicheive (sp?)
Yakko: [sighing] NOW she starts indicating typing errors!
> "It is good to see you here, Captain."
> "It is good to be here sir."
Dot: It would be nice to think of some less-stilted dialogue.
> "I will come straight to the point,
Wakko: [as Janeway] Sorry-- did that all the way back in Part 1.
> I want you to explore the Delta quadrant."
Dot: [as Admiral] The farther away you are, the better I feel.
> "How will we get back? How will we even get there sir?"
Yakko: We don't want their sirs. You just explore.
> "Starfleet command has worked out a deal with
Yakko: Paramount.
> the being piloting the
> World-ship, she will take you there, and back in five years,
All: A period! We need a period!
> and send a
> message back and fourth between the Alpha and Delta quadrants every
> two
> months.
Dot: The message'll take 70 years to reach us, but it's the thought that
counts.
> We have many Captains clamoring for the chance to explore the Delta
> quadrant, but I think that you are right for the job. What do you
> say?"
Yakko: I just got back home! Drop dead!
Wakko: Can I have a more lifelike crew this time?
> "I ask that we all have a month of shore leave before doing this
> sir."
Yakko: And another month before doing THAT sir!
> "Done."
> "And who will
> condition that the only time they attack Cardassians is when they are
All: Huh?
Wakko: Looks like a wormhole ate part of Rachel's file.
> defending their homes, no more and no less. Hearing that, half of
> those
> people have asked to go with you, as there are many qualified for that
> task, and seeing their dedicated service I have granted them all
> atleast
> the rank of Ensign, they are going with you.
All: [puzzled looks]
Yakko: That made so little sense, it defies being wisecracked.
Wakko: Another advert for grammar and spelling comments.
[a period of stunned silence]
Dot: [as Admiral] Did I mention they'll be accompanying you?
Yakko: Whooah-- nice save. Thanks, Dot.
> Chakotay and B'elanna are among them, along with Seska, who's
> dedicated
> service has earned her the rank of Lt. (jg).
Dot: WHO'S service?
Yakko: That's what she said.
> Seska's brother is coming with her. That was a condition of her
> coming.
All: [cough discreetly]
Dot: So you can have twice as many Cardassian spies on your ship.
> B'elanna's rank of Lieutenant Commander is still standing.
Dot: Unlike her person, who collapsed several hours ago from sheer borei-
dom.
> It seems that this trip has awakened something inside them, the dream
> of
> exploring
Yakko: Hopelessly dull storylines.
> that Starfleet is about. I wish you luck on your journey."
Dot: Just like I did last time-- oops.
> Janeway was still curious. She asked "Sir, what reasons did
> Chakotay
> give for coming with us ?"
> "He said something about
Yakko: Being gullible and desperate.
> protecting your crew, and a life debt."
Wakko: And... llamas.
Dot: Oh-- he subscribed to Compu$erve too?
> Janeway smiled at the thought of the two, together to quarrel for
> the
> rest of their days and said
Yakko: [Janeway voice] Bite me. I'm going over to Babylon 5.
> "Thank you sir, I will take this opportunity."
Dot: To bolt like Ted Kennedy at Chappaquiddick!
> And Janeway walked out of the door, and into
Dot: The path of a semi!
> a dream of exploration.
Wakko: And a long career of soft-core porn flicks.
Yakko: Speaking of bolting, let us do so-- NOW!
>
>
> The End
> Copyright 1995 by Rachel Loss-Cutler
> You may copy this story as many times as you want, as long as
> my name stays on it, and so does this notice. If you want to
> sell it make me an offer (I'd be flattered) Otherwise don't even
> THINK about it!
All: TOO LATE!
...o...2...3...4...5...6...WB
[The Warners wander out. Wakko walks up to a blender, stares at it for a
few seconds, then removes his cap and sticks his head inside. Yakko and
Dot yank him out seconds before he pushes "frappe'"]
Yakko: Wakko, you've been particularly moody this whole episode. What's
the problem?
Wakko: <*SIGH*> I dunno, Yakko. It's just <SNIFF> I don't know.
Dot: Something happen to you?
Wakko: No. <SNIFF>
Dot: To something of yours?
Wakko: Well <SNIFF> sorta <SNIFF> I <SNIFF> lost my copy of "Classic
Queen"... <*SOB!*>
Yakko: Oh, really? That explains all those musical refs. [to audience]
Funny how these things tie off so neatly. [to Wakko] Well,
where'd you last see it?
Wakko: <*SOB!*> It was in my CD player...
Yakko: Well, I didn't take it.
Dot: I didn't either.
[Yakko and Dot look pointedly at Rita]
Rita: What? [pause] Oh, that! [disappears offstage; returns with porta-
ble CD player] Hey, I needed to practice my singing-- never know
when the writers might want me to *do* *something*. [glares at au-
dience] Hint, hint, hint...
[Wakko runs to Rita, takes the CD from the player, then bear-hugs Rita.
Rita's eyes suddenly become the size of monster truck tires]
Wakko: Oh, thank you!
[Wakko rushes off]
Rita: [dazed] Don't mention it...
[There is a brief silence. Then, with no warning, "Radio Ga-Ga" is heard
at ungodly decibels. Furniture sails through the frame]
Yakko: Another crisis averted.
Dot: Too bad that fanfic couldn't have been averted. What hackery.
Yakko: True enough, sister sibling. But nothing we can't handle.
Dot: Yep. No problem at all.
Yakko: [to TV] Next time send us a *hard* one.
Brain: [sign] Curses. [flip, to Pinky] I wonder why it didn't work.
Pinky: Well, maybe because they knew it wasn't real -- that nothing like
that could ever *really* happen <POIT!>
Brain: [sign] Ridiculous, Pinky. [flip] How could something so basic
even you could figure it out have any effect?
[Brain flips on a nearby TV-- just in time to catch the "Voyager lan-
ding" sequence from "The '37s". Brain holds his composure-- for all of
one second. Then his jaw drops, his eyes bulge, his ears droop. He be-
gins gibbering {via sign}, then passes out.]
[Pinky watches this, then turns to the Warners, and shrugs. Fade to black]
MSTed by Chris French & Petrea Mitchell ("The Runt & Rita of r/a.t.m/m")
(<cfre...@s-cwis.unomaha.edu> & <pr...@mvp.com>)
Host segments by Chris French
"Love Theme from MWT3K" by Petrea Mitchell
(with apologies to the usual people)
"Kill Me" based on "Save Me", performed by Queen, written by Brian May,
copyright 1979 Queen Music Ltd./Beechwood Music Corp. BMI
Parody lyrics by Chris French
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copy-
right Best Brains, Inc. Animaniacs, its characters and situations are
copyright Amblin. No copyrights were intentionally infringed in the mak-
ing of this MSTing.
If you'd like to MSTify some deserving piece, please join the MSTing
dibs list by mailing <mne...@engin.umich.edu> with a subject of
"DIBS-SUB".
For Those Who Wish To Follow In The Footsteps Of Ratliff -- TURN BACK WHILE
YOU STILL CAN!
> "And who will
> condition that the only time they attack Cardassians is when they are
> defending their homes, no more and no less.