MiSTied "Escape"

[castel...@nd.edu]

Hi all. This is my fifth MiSTing. Yet again, it's a Star Wars story.
It's also rather short, so you probably have time to read it while on
break. Please, PLEASE send comments on it.

Anthony Castellino
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

0...2...3...4...5...6...*

(<SoL> Normal view of everyone on the bridge, including Gypsy.)

MIKE: Hi guys. Welcome back to the Satellite of Love.

BOTS: Yo!

MIKE: And these are my friends, Tom Servo...

TOM: Peace.

MIKE: ...Crow and Gypsy. Today, Tom and Crow are going to have a little
debate. We've been getting a lot of Star Wars fanfics lately...

CROW: Waaay too many.

MIKE: ...and considering our last one was a crossover, I've been wondering
who would win a war between the Federation and the Empire. Tom here is
siding with the Federation and Crow is arguing for the Empire. Let's hear
what they have to say*. Tom, you start.

TOM: Okay. Let's look at the assests of the Federation. Superior general
technology including transporters, phasers, and perhaps most importantly,
phenomenal sensors.
Vulcans, the most flawless and superpowered beings short of those critters
that Alan Dean Foster keeps making up for the Humanx universe. Superior
unity and diplomatic skills. Faster shifts to FTL speed. The ability to
invent new technologies far more easily. How can you beat that?

CROW: (Gunned up.) Oh, yeah? Well, look at the Empire's capabilities.
Larger numbers of larger ships, plus hordes of fighters armed with proton
torpedos. A larger geographic base with which to build the ships and draw
troops. And they have the Dark side of the Force, which outdoes anything
the Feddies can throw up at them. Plus, the Federation has
hostile neighbours who would leap at the chance to kick it while it's down
and is unnprepared politically and socially for no holds-barred warfare,
which the Empire would gladly provide. The Empire has a total lack of
ethical restraint in warfare and no neighbors.

TOM: Oh pooh. Don't forget the active rebel movement occurring within the
Empire, willing to do anything to slow the Empire down. And the Empire is
technologically conservative. And best of all for why the Empire cannot
win is that the Federation is the good guy.

CROW: Oh yeah!

TOM: Yeah!

CROW: Why you... (Crow charges Tom and a brawl ensues.)

MIKE: (Stepping over them and glancing down at them.) This may be grounds
for a disqualification. (Commercial light flashes.) Oh, commercial sign.

(Commercials of ten-thousand screaming psychics demanding you call for ten
minutes free.)

(<SoL> Everything is back to normal, except Crow and Tom and bandaged and
bruised.)

MIKE: Okay guys, you ready to accept the final decision on this debate?

CROW: Yeah.

TOM: Sure.

MIKE: Okay. Gypsy, as an impartial judge, who do you decide has the
better chance of winning?

GYPSY: Uh... which side has Richard Baseheart on it?

MIKE: Um, neither Gypsy.

GYPSY: Then who cares. (She walks off.)

TOM (huffy): Well, that was productive.

(Mad light flashes.)

MIKE: Hey, Gary Kurtz, Rick Berman and associates are calling.

(<The Van> Pearl is driving and looks very mad.)

PEARL: Okay, you guys, listen up. You should have gotten twenty years in
the electric chair for you conviction, so I plan to wield such pain upon
you like you've never seen. Unfortunately, the mail service is still
backed from the UPS strike so I couldn't get the Joe Don Baker marathon I
was planning to send you. All I've got is this short little Star Wars
story from a guy named Zach Recht entitled "Escape". It's not very long,
but is loaded with pain.

BOBO: Lawgiver, perhaps I could...

PEARL: Shut up! Nelson, prepare for holy justice!

<SoL>

MIKE: Joe Don Baker marathon?

TOM: She must have been up all night recording the USA network to get
that!

(Alarms go heywire.)

ALL: Fanfic sign! Run away!

*...6...5...4...3...2...0 

(They enter the theater.)

MIKE: You know, Joe Don Baker isn't that bad of an actor.
CROW: Just so long as you don't include every movie he's made after
"Walking Tall".

>
Note from the author:

MIKE: "B-flat."
TOM: "A penny saved is a penny earned."
CROW: "Never pour sulfuric acid on you genitals."

> Well, everyone knows Star Wars is a Lucasfilm
>
Ltd. production so I'm most definitly claiming none of it as my own.

TOM: So basically, the author admits to plagiarism.
MIKE: Yep, pretty much.

> This
>
story happens to be just a slap-bang work of mine

CROW: Oh, boy.
TOM: When the author describes their own work like that, then it's best
not to go any further.
MIKE: Yeah, but we have no choice.

> that depicts what an
>
escape from Hoth base might have been like for three Rebel troops. Enjoy!

ALL: Not!

>
"Rogue group! Use your harpoons and tow cables!

CROW (Captain Ahab): For I see the belly of the great white one!

> Go for their
>
legs, it may be our only chance at stopping them!!" Lieutenant Hadly
>
Bercauser heard Commander Skywalker yell over the radio.

MIKE (Hadly): Yo, Skywalker, I'm not DEAF!

> She slapped a
>
new ammo clip into her blaster rifle and began to fire relentlessly
>
against the hulking At-ATs that dominated the white battlefield.
>
Rogue group was still soaring overhead.

TOM (singing): I'm gonna fly like an eagle...

>
"Nice shot, Jansen!" Hadly heard Antilles yell,

CROW (Antilles): I believe I owe you boys a case of beer for that one!

> and she saw his
>
snowspeeder begin to literally fly circles around an AT-AT.
>
"Let er go!"

MIKE: If you love something, you have to let it go.

>
"Detach cable!"
>
"Cable detached!"
>
The AT-AT tried to take another step, but wobbled and fell forward.

TOM (AT-AT): I shouldn't have pounded quarter pitchers last night.

>
Another speeder swooped in and blaster the cockpit into metal shards.
>
"Oh, that got im'!" Wedge said. Even the loss of one of their number
>
didn't phase the Imperials. They kept lmbering forward. The Atgar Laser
>
Cannon to Hadly's left exploded, as did an Antipersonnel tower. Her
>
weapon clicked on empty and she scowled and pulled her pistol.
>
"Oh, right, and this is going to do what?"

CROW: Well, it's empty and it's the seventies, so if you throw it at the
bad guy it'll do more damage than it could have if you were firing it.

>
Someone grabbed her arm.
>
"Hadly! We've gotta go! The Commander sounded general retreat!

ALL (Monty Python): Run away! Run away!

> We've
>
got to get to the transports!" It was her friend Kay. They leapt back
>
into the trench of snow and started running it's length back to the first
>
way point. She saw another AT-AT fall, but this still didn't stop them.

MIKE: Looks like UPS is calling for strike-breakers.

>
Kay burst the door to the waypoint open and ran in.

CROW: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

> This was the shortest
>
route to Echo Base from the front lines, and Hadly was surprised no body
>
else was using it. There were four people in front of them trying to get
>
thew second door open, as it was padlocked.

TOM: Well, it's either a Who concert or a post-game celebration at a
British soccer match.

>
"Outta my way!" Hadly yelled and the four people scattered. She
>
leveled her blaster at the lock and blew it off with one shot.

CROW: Yale brand locks.

>
"Let's go!"
>
The six entered the ice tunnel that led to the Transport's hangar
>
bays. Suddenly a chunk of ice fell from the ceiling and landed on
>
Hadly's shoulder with a thunk. She looked at it, surprised,

MIKE (Hadly): The hell?

> then saw
>
another two pieces fall as AT-ATs walked above them.
>
"Uh-oh!" She had time to say bfore the roof fell in on her.
>
All went black.

CROW: The end?
TOM: Doubtful.

>
"-dly? You awake?" Hadly groggily opened her eyes.

MIKE (Hadly): There's no place like home, there's no place like home,
there's... huh?

>
"Where are we?" She asked Kay, who was sitting across from her.
>
"Waypoint access tunnel three. The roof caved in. Us two dug a couple
>
of you guys out but we couldn't save the young major over there." Kay
>
gestured to a body wrapped in a parka.

CROW: Uh-oh, I sense an "Alive" scene approaching.

>
"Who helped you dig us out?"
>
"I did." A older man crawled over a pile of snow in the dilapadated
>
hallway. "I'm Bir Acroma..."

TOM: Well, if you're cold put a jacket on.
MIKE: No, that's his name.

>
"Name's Hadly Bercauser. Thanks for the lift."
>
"Anytime."

CROW: Except right now because he's with the Teamsters.

>
"Right now our problem is that all the transports have left and we're
>
stuck in an Imperial-infested Echo base." Kay said.
>
"What, can't we sneak into the hangar and grab some X-Wings?"
>
"We checked, there's only one X-Wing left, and the Imps are
>
surrounding it.

TOM: "Imps"? They're stuck with the Crypt Keeper?

> They don't want any more Rebels getting off this
>
hellhole."
>
"What about stuff like food, water?"

MIKE (Kay): Well, there's the major over there...

>
"Plenty. Our best bet is to wait out the Imperials, hope they won't
>
find us. After they leave maybe we can salvage some radio equiptment and
>
call for help." Bir said.
>
"It's a plan."

CROW: In the same way as holding on to a piece of driftwood while
shipwrecked at sea is a plan, yes.

>
"What if they--"
>
"Halt!"

TOM: Castle Wolfenstein!
MIKE (German accent): Halten Sie!

>
"Find us!!" Hadly ducked behind a chunk of ice as a blaster bolt
>
scorched the ground next to her. She pulled her blaster.
>
"Then we fight back!"

CROW: That Kay is one brilliant strategist.
TOM: About as smart as a Hamas terrorist.

> Kay took a potshot at a snowtrooper. There were
>
threef them, probably just on patrol. The shot missed, burned a black
>
hole in the wall.

MIKE: Coleman Francis helped write this story, I think.
TOM (Coleman Francis): A woman's purse. Flag on the moon.

>
"Where were you trained?!" Bir fired and nailed a trooper between the
>
eyes.

CROW: The Citadel, probably.

>
Hadly hit a snowtrooper in the left leg and he fell to the ground
>
screaming. The third trooper ducked behind a wall and saved his ammo,

TOM: Ammo? But you're firing lasers.

> no
>
doubt calling for backup.
>
"No chance, buddy!" Kay leapt over their barricade and reached around
>
the wall with his blaster. Hadly heard a discharge, then a thump as the
>
snowtrooper slid to the ground.
>
"What can I say but, ouch?"

MIKE: Well, lots.
CROW: You could recite the Upanishads, if you really wanted to.

>
Acroma stood and gestured to the snowtroopers. "Let's take their
>
armor. Maybe there is some other escape craft."
>
"Maybe you haven't thought of..Imperial craft, transports?"Hadly
>
offered as she donned a snowtrooper helmet.

TOM: Oh yeah, right. They're going to hijack a fraggin' Star Destroyer?

>
"Excellent idea, young woman.

MIKE (Bir): I mean, for a woman.

> The trick is to get aboard and hijack
>
it. Any one of those ships could still beloaded with troopers." Acroma
>
said.

TOM (Bir): Maybe we could just flap our arms and fly away like a crow.
CROW: Crows? Where?
TOM: Never mind.

>
"It sounds better than freezing everyday until the Imps leave." Kay
>
said.
>
"Let's look at reality, people. The question is whether we die by fire
>
or by ice.

MIKE (singing): Sarah, Sarah...

> The possibility of escape is bad now that the Imps know we're
>
here."
>
"No, the question is how NOT to die." Hadly retorted.

CROW: Don't put a live wolverine down your underware.
TOM: Don't take a nap on a circular saw.
MIKE: Don't body pierce yourself with rusty implements.

>
"Good call." Kay said.
>
"Let's move with a purpose, people!" Acroma said.

CROW (drill sergeant): Move your asses, marines!

>
The three rebels moved in snyc towards the hangar bnay. Kay had a bit
>
of a problem.

MIKE: He wet himself.

> His helmet had a large black mark in the middle of it.
>
"Uh, Hadly? What about my helmet??" He whispered to Hadly.
>
"Just tell anyone who asks about it that we ran into two rebels, and
>
your helmet fell off and they blasted it or something." Hadly whispered
>
back.

ALL: (Laughing.)
CROW: Tell them you were forced to read the complete works of Clara Mosely
and it blew your cerebellum out, or something.

>
Some of the stationed stormtroopers gave Kay quite a few odd looks,
>
but none moved to intercept them.

MIKE (stormtrooper): Clara Mosely, huh? I feel your pain, brother.

> Sure enough, there were two
>
stromtrooper transports parked in the snowspeeder hangar. The Imps
>
weren't even guarding them!!

TOM: Zach must have been one of those people who cheered for the Empire
while watching the movie.
CROW: Because he's so mad about them not guarding the hangar.

>
"Okay, let's move up close and pretend to guard them. Then we'll move
>
inside one at a time to take it over." Bir said.

MIKE (Bir): Then we sneak into the girls' locker room!

>
Hadly took a position to ther left of the boarding ramp and Bir and
>
Kay stood to the right. Everything jusrt froze,

CROW: Plot including.

> seemed to go fine for a
>
minute or so. Then Hadly heard Bir whisper to Kay, "Okay, go on in. Make
>
your way to the cockpit and secure the vessel!"
>
Kay started to back up the ramp into the interior of the transport
>
when a sormtrooper moved towards them.
>
"Hey, if you want to return to the ship, I'll need some
>
authorization."
>
"Oh, sorry, you want authorization?"

TOM: He checks the signals...

> Bir said, stepping towards the
>
officer. Hadly saw him wave behind his back at her, telling her to back
>
up into the ship..

TOM: He winds up

>
She stepped onto the boarding ramp with the abruptness of a
>
stormtrooper.
>
"Here's my authorization."

TOM: The pitch!

> Bir fired a shot, and Hadly heard the
>
officer fall.

TOM: Strike three! Game over! Cubs win!
CROW: I think Zach got this from "True Lies".

> Immediatly heard shouts of alarm from the other
>
stormtroopers stationed in the room.
>
"Hey!"

MIKE (singing): You! Get into my car!

>
"Who's that?!"
>
"They must be Rebels!"

CROW: You think?

>
"Stop them!"
>
Bir turned to Hadly. "GO!

ALL: Power Rangers!

> I'll hold them here!! "
>
"But-!"
>
"Go!"
>
Hadly darted into the ship and closed the door. Before the door
>
closed all the way she heard Bir shouting-
>
"For freedom!!"

TOM (Bir): Or cheese! Whatever.

>
The door clanged shut and Hadly took off running to the cockpit.
>
"Kay! Get us out of here!"

CROW (Kay): Oh sure, I'm your slave.

>
"Roger!"

MIKE: Coreman!

> Kay blasted the engines on and the transport glided out of
>
the hangar and took off towards the sky.

CROW (singing): You can take me higher!

>
"Kay, there's a Star Destroyer still in orbit. Lock in the hyperspace
>
coordinates for the rendezvous and let's get out of here before the Star
>
Destroyer finds us out and blasts us!"
>
"Will do, Bercauser. Where's Bir?"
>
"Holding his own against a squad of stormies."

TOM (singing): Going down in a blaze of glory...

>
"I'm sure as heck telling the brass about him. Any award, even
>
posthumous, is honorable. He deserves it."

MIKE (Hadly): Maybe he'll make CNN.

>
"No kiddin--here they come!" A wave of TIEs came swooping in,
>
blasting away at the transport's shielding. "Hurry up with those
>
coordinates! We haven't got long to go at this rate!"
>
"Got them! Hang on!!" Kay pulled back a lever . The stars stretched
>
to starlines, and it was all a memory.

CROW: So it was all a dream.
MIKE: Turned nightmare for us.
TOM: Let's get out of here.

0...2...3...4...5...6...*

(<SoL> Crow and Tom are dressed like stormtroopers and carrying tasers,
but their costumes are badly blasted and scarred.)

TOM (whispering): There has got to be a hamdinger box around here
somewhere... (Mike walks in.)

MIKE: So guys, what did you think of that... (Noticing them.) What
happened to you two?

TOM (startled): Ah! I mean, nothing sir! Just on a random patrol when my
helmet blew up, or something.

CROW (equally startled): Yeah yeah, that's it! And I just happened to
spontaneously combust while on patrol, or something, sir!

MIKE: What are you talking about? Where did you get the tasers?

CROW (now confidently): Oh yeah. You don't believe who we are?

TOM (equally confident): You want to see some identification?

MIKE (a little confused): Uh, no.

TOM & CROW: Here's our identification. (They shoot him with the taser
guns. Mike falls limply to the ground.)

TOM: Get 'em. (They gangrush Mike and a general beating noise is heard.)

<The Van>

PEARL: Ah excellent. Excellent. Short and sweet and yet it gets the job
done.

OBSERVER: Might I suggest we send a John Carpenter film next time.

PEARL: Good idea. Bobo, get on the cellular and see if we can procure the
rights to "Escape from L.A.".

BOBO: Yes, Lawgiver. (He begins dialing.) What's the extension for this
part of the galaxy?

PEARL: (Smacks Bobo.) Enjoy your beating, Nelson. We'll be back soon
enough.

End.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use
of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

*The debated given here was an essay thought up and written by David
Johnston <rgo...@telusplanet.net> entitled "Federation vs. Empire", all
rights reserved. I do not claim any of it as my own. If you wish to read
this essay in its unabridged version, one can find it at http://
www.globalserve.net/~deklerk/dreamscape/dreamscape.html.

"'Uh-oh!' She had time to say bfore the roof fell in on her."

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