[MiSTed] Thinning Hair? Minoxidil Users?
Jamas Enright
[Opening. SOL]
[Mike is sitting around in his dressing down, reading a paper. He looks up
and see Cambot.]
MIKE: Cambot, what are you doing here? It's our day off.
[MADS lights flash.]
MIKE: Wha? But it's our day off! Tom's sorting out his B.B. King records,
and Crow is finally cleaning the old rust off his legs. That isn't fair!
[The lights still flash.]
MIKE: Hang on, we'll be right back.
[Commercials. Ooooh, aren't you riveted already?]
[Back on the SOL. The guys are there, complaining, and the lights still
flash.]
TOM: But I had finally unearthed my copy of "Completely Well".
CROW: And I was just getting into my knee joint.
MIKE: Guys, I don't like it either, but you know how he gets.
[He pushes the button.]
[Deep 13]
DR F: Ah, finally, altar boy. I got a piece of email the other day.
Typically I would treat you to it, but I was feeling uncommonly generous,
so I deleted it. I then got it again. Feeling more mad at them instead of
you, I deleted it again. Then I got it a third time. Finally really
annoyed, I decided to let you share in the misery, and cancel your day off
for this.
[SOL]
ALL: BUT..!
[Deep 13]
DR F: I'm evil. That's why you hate me so.
[He smiles as he sends the spam.]
[SOL]
[Divers alarums.]
ALL: WE GOT SPAM MAIL!!!
<6..5..4..3..2..@..>
> From italivest
ALL: It's alive!
> @pliskinnet.com Wed Feb 12 07:04:08 1997
> Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 17:48:37 +1300 (NZDT)
CROW: So it was received before it was sent?
TOM: It's new Spam from the Future!
> From: ital...@pliskinnet.com
MIKE: Argh! Deja vu.
> Subject: Thinning Hair? Minoxidil Users?
TOM: Minoxidil Hair?
CROW: Thinning Users?
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> To REMOVE yourself from further receiving new announcements and press
> releases for cutting edge, alternative and preventive medicine and
> nutrition products; new film, book, and music CD releases; business
> opportunities strictly limited to Initial Public Offerings(Primary/
> Red Herring), Private Placements, Venture Capital; discounted computer
> software, hardware, consumer goods (clothing, CD's, children's items,
> etc.), REMOVAL INSTRUCTIONS AT END OF MESSAGE.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> WORLD'S LEADING TREATMENTS FOR THINNING HAIR
TOM: People want treatments to thin their hair?
>
> NOW AVAILABLE IN THE US. FABAO GOLD 101 AND PENTADECANOIC ACID
> GLYCERIDE.
CROW: If you can pronounce it, it's free!
> WORLD'S LEADING TREATMENTS FOR STOPPING HAIR LOSS AND
> STIMULATING GROWTH FROM CHINA, JAPAN, AND WEST GERMANY.
CROW: You want to grow hair from West Germany to here? Urgh.
> 100% NATURAL
> ALTERNATIVE TO MINOXIDIL AND OTHER CHEMICALS. DOCTOR RECOMMENDED.
MIKE: Do you have a doctor on standby?
> HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF SATISFIED MEN AND WOMEN WORLDWIDE.
CROW: But none from our product.
> FEATURED ON CNN, NEWSWEEK, NY TIMES, ESPN.
TOM: <as newsreader> If you have seen any of these people, please contact
the police immediately.
> --------------------------
> International Scientific Award Winner: FABAO
CROW: He gets everywhere these days.
MIKE: Crow, that reads 'Fabao' not 'Fabio'.
>
> *80th International Development Exhibition in Paris - 101 SERIES
> wins "Gold Medal"
TOM: But the 666 SERIES was a disappointing second.
>
> *14th Annual International Inventors Exposition in New York City -
> 101 SERIES wins "Gold Prize"
CROW: But at the 14th Annual International Inventors Exposition in
Houston, 101 SERIES was thrown out amid laughter.
>
> *36th Eureka World Inventors Fair in Brussels - 101 SERIES wins
> "First-Class Knight Medal and Certificate"
MIKE: News at Nine - "101 SERIES used in bank raid."
>
> *French Industrial and Commercial Association in Paris - 101 SERIES
> wins "Gold Cup"
TOM: I'm beginning to sense a pattern here.
CROW: It's just your imagination, buddy.
>
> *Pharmacy Cultural Fair in Beijing - 101 SERIES wins prestigious
> "Shen Nang Cup"
TOM: Ah, the classic "Shenanigan Cup".
CROW: "Shen Nang" - Chinese for "Horse Manure".
MIKE: Well, a primary ingrediant in most hair care products is-
BOTS: MIKE!
>
> Clinical Pharmacology And Usage
>
> DESCRIPTION:Fabao is a vasodilatory tincture
TOM: Well, that explains everything.. huh?
> intended for use as a
> topical hair growth stimulant. Each 100 ml contains fixed
CROW: Hey, it's a fix!
> ratios of
> Oleum Persicorum, Carthamus Tinctorius, (Cas 8002-78-6),
CROW: They're just grabbing names at random out of a chemistry dictionary.
MIKE: It's so disappointing when that happens.
> Cortex
> Dictamni, Rhizhoma Gastroidia, Capsicum(counterirritant),
ALL: Spam(irritant).
> Sophera
> Flavescens, and Radix Notopgeri in a water and ethyl alcohol base.
TOM: <singing> And a partridge in a pear treeeeee.
> Also contained are the following Pharmobotanicals harvested from
> Tibet, China, and Mongolia: Panax Ginseng, Purified Dodder Extract,
BOTS: Eeewwww.
MIKE: Well, I said that a primary ingrediant in most hair care products
is-
BOTS: MIKE!
> Notoginseng, and Multiflower Knotwood extract. The solution contains
MIKE: Last nigth's herbal tea, from the sound of it.
> antimicrobial, bacteriostatic, and vasodilatory compounds. No
> harmful teratogenic, mutagenic, or oncogenic effects have been
TOM: Harmed in the making of this product.
> reported, and the tincture is in full accord with GB7916-87, the
> control standard of PR China.
CROW: Which goes to show how much the People's Republic of China cares for
the well-being of its citizens.
>
> CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY:The mechanism of action for vasodilators is an
> increase in both micro and macrocirculatory blood flow to the treated
> tissues (facilitating increased 02 delivery)
TOM: (Does that acutally mean anything?)
MIKE: (I don't think so.)
> as tested with Laser
> Doppler measurements. This increased flow is a direct result of
CROW: Of us faking our results!
> relaxation of circulatory musculature, increasing mean vessel
ALL: <as mean vessels> Grrr!
> diameter and,thus,blood flow. These microcirculatory changes have
> been associated with an increase in hair growth, possibly through
TOM: Makebelieve.
> their effect on follicular capillary expansion. Increased blood
> supply is a direct result of increased vessel dilation,
CROW: And the heart attacks resulting from this increased blood flow is
something we won't dwell on.
MIKE: Actually, heart attacks are caused by restricted blood flow.
CROW: Geez, ruin the riff, why dontcha?
> and some
> studies do suggest that this may be due to increased levels of
> EDRF
TOM: Eddy Drier's Radical Formula?
MIKE: Extra-Direct Ripping Factory?
CROW: Easily Deductiable Repossesed Family?
> (endothelium-derived relaxing factor).
MIKE&CROW: Oh.
TOM: That was going to be my next guess.
> The higher concentration
> of this substance within the follicular microstructure may also be
> responsible for activating pilemetrocytes and stimulating melanin
> cells.
TOM: Although we don't actually know it that's a good thing or not.
>
> CLINICAL EFFECTIVENESS VS. MINOXIDIL:An 8 month study was conducted
> to study
MIKE: The Department of Redundancy Department.
> the effectiveness of Fabao in comparison with a 3% minoxidil
> solution.
CROW: A 4% solution was found to be inadvisable as it gave better results.
> 600 patients (300 male/300 female) were given pre-treatment
> evaluations as to the extent, duration, and severity of their hair
> loss.
TOM: Yep, yer losing hair.
> After the evaluations, they were randomly assigned to Treatment
> Group (T): Fabao, 5ml twice daily; Control Group(C): No treatment of
> any kind; Positive Control Group(PC): 3% minoxidil solution, once
> daily.
CROW: Twice with one hair treatment, but once with another hair treatment?
I'm seeing fairness on all sorts of levels, but not on this one.
MIKE: Fairness? Where?
>
> The patients' relative hair weight(RHW), relative hair density(RHD),
TOM: Relative hair hairiness(RHH).
> and relative hair thickness(RHT) were measured. Percentage change
> (increase) of RHW, RHD, & RHT after the Fabao Treatment were as
> follows:
>
> RHW: 51.8%
CROW: Boston Celtics: 0.
>
> RHD: 48.5%
TOM: <announcer> And the stockmarket crashed today after RHD rose 48.5
points.
>
> RHT: 11.5%
MIKE: He was right, but only 11.5% right.
>
> After minoxidil treatment: RHW(9.7%), RHD(5.9%), RHT(9.5%).
TOM: I demand a recount! They biased the polling booths!
CROW: Hey, what were the figures for the control group?
> It was
> clearly noted that Fabao is a much more effective treatment of hair
> loss and subsequent hair regeneration than minoxidil.
MIKE: Quick, don't perform any other tests or we might lose.
> In another
> multi-center 6 month clinical trial testing the sole efficacy of
MIKE: Ross Perot.
CROWL Ross Perot was found 100% ineffective on hair growth.
> Fabao involving 431 cases of hair loss, the following results were
> shown based on hair counts on day 1 and 180:
TOM: On day 181, all patients' hair fell out.
>
> Hair Regrowth*
CROW: <British voice> Silly Party.
> (62%)
>
> Hair Thickening
CROW: <still British> Very Silly Party.
> (86%)
>
> Decreased Loss Of Hair
CROW: <still British> Incomprehensibly Silly Party.
> (85%)
>
> Percentage depicts subjects that experienced hair growth i.e. 62% of
> cases experienced a significant effect.
TOM: The other 38% died because they didn't give up good results.
>
> FABAO was found to have three effects:
>
> --first,
MIKE: The voice deepened.
> new downy hairs appear
>
> --second,
CROW: Fingernails fell off.
> these downy hairs turn into fine hairs
>
> --third,
TOM: Eyes changed colour and floated out of their sockets.
> these fine hairs turn into terminal, or ordinary, hairs
>
> No variation in effect was found between males and females.
MIKE: In fact, we couldn't tell the difference between the males and
females afterwards.
>
> INDICATIONS AND USAGE:For the treatment of Alopecia Androgenetica
> (Male Pattern Baldness), Alopecia Areata,
CROW: (Male Pattern Stupidity)
> and Alopecia Capitalis
> Totalis (Probable immune etiology). It is also indicated for the
> thickening of existing hair.
>
> Topical administration of this solution should not await
TOM: So don't wait! Call now! Out operators are ready for your calls!
> the
> development of clinical exacerbation of hair loss. As a preventive
> therapy, the topical application of the formula maintains the scalp
> in an optimum hair-growing state.
MIKE: For many years, even after you die.
>
> CONTRAINDICATIONS:Persons exposed to excesive levels of
> vasoconstricting agents, such as those found in cigarette smoke
> and alcohol may not derive as great an effect from using this
> formulation, as these agents are antagonistic to vasodilating
> agents.
TOM: I have to say that I'm impressed by the length of some of those
words. I don't understand them, but I'm impressed by them.
MIKE: Don't worry, they don't understand the words either.
>
> This product should not be used on broken skin. If any adverse
> skin reactions occur,
CROW: Tell your friends so they can laugh at you.
> usage should be immediately discontinued.
> Persons allergic to alcohol or any of the other listed ingredients
> should not use this product.
MIKE: Darn. I knew that adverse reaction to Carthamus Tinctorius would
come back to haunt me.
>
> DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION:Fabao is supplied in 100 ml bottles.
CROW: But you need 125ml for a complete treatment.
> In a topical treatment regimen, studies indicate than an initial
> dosage of 1-2ml should be applied twice per day for 3-5 months
> before there is evidence of regrowth.
TOM: So that's... <he hums for a moment> 600mls. They've grarunteed
themselves six bottles already! Good business. Bad product, but good
business.
> Hair loss usually stops
> after 1 month, with noticeable hair thickness. After this initial
> period, the frequency of application can be decreased to once per
> day.
CROW: But don't, because we want your money.
>
> To achieve maximum effect, the solution should be applied to a clean
> scalp(preferably after shampooing with FABAO SHAMPOO)
MIKE: And FABAO CONDITIONER.
TOM: And don't forget the products in the great FABAO range: FABAO AFTER
SHAVE, FABAO TOOTHPASTE, FABAO TOE NAIL CLIPPER, FABAO TOILET PAPER, and
the ever needed FABAO BELLY BUTTON FLUFF REMOVER!
> and massaged
> thoroughly into the scalp for maximum absorption.
>
> REFERENCES:
CROW: Fer cryin' out loud! This isn't a thesis!
>
> 1. A. G. H. Kessels, R. L. L. M. Cardynaals, R. L. L. Borger,
> M. J. T. H. Go, J. C. C. A.Lambers, J. A. Knottnerus, and P. G.
> Knipschild. University of Limburg; Maastricht, The Netherlands.
TOM: T. H. I. S. B. I. T. E. S.
CROW: W. H. A. T. A. L. O. A. D. O. F. S. H. I. -
MIKE: No, Crow.
>
> 2. Journal of Clinical Epidemiology, Vol. 44, No. 4/5, pp 439-447,
> 1991.
MIKE: Actually, it was Vol. 43, No 3/5, pp 339-447.
>
> 3. Takashi, Anzai. Effectiveness of FABAO for Alopecia
> Androgenetica. Tokyo, Japan. Red Cross Medical Center; 1988.
CROW: This reminds me of the lists of people you get in MAKE MONET FA$T
posts.
TOM: And?
>
> 4. B. C. Qian, J. Chen, and H. J. Xu :Pharmacological Action of
> FABAO. Journal of Traditional and Modern Medicine :Vol. 14, No. 4,
> pp 227-229. China. 1994.
MIKE: But they are now unavailable due to court proceedings.
>
> PENTADECANOIC ACID GLYCERIDE (PDG):
TOM: There's more?
CROW: It'll never end, never end, I tell ya! It'll keep going and going
and going! You can't stop it! You can't stop it!
[Mike puts his hand on Crow's shoulder and Crow stops.]
>
> An unsaturated fatty acid that is the leading hair restorer in
> W. GERMANY and Japan.
TOM: What is?
CROW: Now people should rub fat in their hair?
> PDG decreases levels of scalp DHT
> (di-hydrotestosterone) which is caused by the conversion
MIKE: Air into carbon di-oxide. Neat, huh?
> of an isoenzyme, 5-alpha-reductase-enzyme. The reduced energy
> production that this enzyme causes is a major factor in various
CROW: Processes, including cow milking, sharpening pencils, and writing
this rubbish.
> types of androgen-induced and autoimmune related hair loss. In order
> to promote hair growth,
TOM: Hair growth! Bringing hair to you! Get yours today!
> the most important factor is to reactivate
CROW: The self-destruct mechanism.
> the energy making system of the hair root and increasing this
> surplus of energy with nutrient metabolites and Oxygen delivery,
MIKE: Sir, I'd like you to sign for this delivery of Oxygen.
> as is the case with Fabao.
ALL: You look Fabao!
> When applied to the skin, PDG gives
> energy to the hair roots in the resting phase and changes the hair
> cycle from the resting to the growing phase.
CROW: But you forgot the eating phase!
> When it is put on the
> skin, the ATP (Adenosine Triphosphate)
TOM: Burns like Greek Fire.
> level at the application site
> rises 3.5 times higher than in the untreated area. ATP is the
> substance that provides energy for cells.
MIKE: ATP, everyone, ATP.
[All clap.]
>
> PDG HAS UNRIVALED QUALITIES
CROW: It can go from zero to sixty in three years!
>
> PDG easily supplies energy to the hair roots to switch on hair
> growth.
ALL: Click!
> It works as follows: usually the sugar glucose, which is
> vital for making energy, is carried by the blood stream to the hair
> roots and broken down to generate the energy force known as ATP.
CROW: But, instead, we use Wacky Glue!
>
> However, in the hair roots of those with male pattern baldness or
> other etiological causes of hair loss, an essential part of the
> energy making process is blocked.
TOM: And that's a five yard penalty for unwarrented blocking.
>
> When this happens, glucose cannot be easily broken down and fats
> are used as an energy source.
MIKE: Fats Domino?
> Two sorts of fat may be used for
> energy. One fat is broken down that provides a poor supply of energy
> for hair growth.
CROW: That fat is ridiculed and not allowed to play with the other fats.
> The second fat provides very efficient energy
> production when broken down. PDG is this special sort of fat and is
> a powerful material for energy supply to the hair roots.
TOM: It can also be used as plant fertilazer.
>
> PDG IS A SUCCESS
MIKE: It's good, it's smart, and, gosh darn it, people like it.
>
> In 1986, PDG was launched on the Japanese market and W.
CROW: Causing death numbering in the millions.
TOM: W is now looking for a new population.
> German market and has gained the approval of hundreds of thousands
> of users. This success has been aided by the Japanese Ministry of
> Health in the world's first scientific hair growing trial.
MIKE: And if you don't like it, you have to commit hari-kari.
>
> REFERENCES:
>
> 1. Watanabe et. al, XVI Congressus Internationalis Dermatologiae
> (1982).
>
> 2. Watanabe et. al, J. Perf. Cosm. Soc. Japan 6:(I) 9-14(1982).
TOM: Is Watanabe some kind of wannabe?
>
> 3. Adachi et. al, JSCC 21:901-924(1970).
>
> 4. Oba et al, Frag. J No. 8014(5)109-114(1986).
>
> 5. Sadai et. al, 17th Worl Congress of Dermatology (1987).
CROW: This et. al family is really big.
>
> 6. Adachi K, 17th World Congress of Dermatology (1987).
>
> 7. LKF-A Research team, Nishinihon J. Dermatol. 48:(4) 738-748(1986).
MIKE: I bet if you ring that as a phone number, you get a really dirty
message.
>
> 8. Nagashima et. al, The 634th Tokyo Local Congress of the Japanese
> Dermatological Association (1986).
>
> ORDERING INFORMATION: JUST PRINT OUT AND MAIL!
CROW: Just bite me!
> ____________________________________________________
> Order Form
>
> DESCRIPTION
CROW: Crap.
> PRICE
TOM: Expensive.
> QUANTITY
MIKE: Too much.
> TOTAL
ALL: NOT WORTH ANYTHING!
> ______________________________________________________
> FABAO GOLD
> 6 Week Supply (100 ML)$59.95 _________ ______
CROW: But wait, there's more!
> FABAO GOLD
> 4 Month Supply(300 ML)$159.95 _________ ______
TOM: But wait, there's more!
> FABAO GOLD
> 1 Year Supply (900 ML) $399.95 _________ ______
MIKE: But wait, there's more!
> FABAO SHAMPOO
> 3 Month Supply(325 ML)$39.95 _________ ______
CROW: But wait, there's still more!
> PDG (99% Pure Pharm. Grade)
> 1 Year supply (400ML) $199.95 _________ ______
TOM: But wait, there's still more!
>
> *NEW YEAR SPECIAL:
MIKE: Yours, for the low low price of your soul!
> FABAO GOLD--1 Year Supply PLUS
> PDG--1 YEAR SUPPLY $479.95
> (A $600 VALUE!!!) ________ _______
ALL: <bored> And the crowd goes wild. Yay.
>
> SHIPPING/HANDLING-U.S./CANADA $5.00
> (IL. CUSTOMERS
TOM: Should not contact us as we don't want your sickness.
CROW: We have our own special sickness already.
> PLEASE ADD 8%
> SALES TAX)
MIKE: And your first born child.
>
> SHIPPING/HANDLING OVERSEAS VIA
> NEXT DAY AIR EXPRESS $49.95
> *Overseas/Outside U.S./Canada--minimum $150.00 order
CROW: Void where prohibited. Do not take while driving. Do not mix with
alcohol. See your doctor if symptoms continue.
>
> ALL FUNDS MUST BE IN US DOLLARS
MIKE: Or Albanian secured bonds.
>
> TOTAL $__________
>
> SHIP TO:
TOM: The bottom of the ocean.
>
> NAME_________________________________________________
MIKE: Seymour Butts.
>
> ADDRESS______________________________________________
CROW: <singing> Address, address, a female dress.
>
> CITY,STATE,ZIP,COUNTRY___________________________________
TOM: Rome,inebriated,fastener,Africa. Do I win?
>
> EMAIL___________________
CROW: no-...@no.name.
>
> TEL/FAX__________________
MIKE: What do you tell a fax?
>
> SEND CHECK/MONEY ORDER PAYABLE TO:
CROW: Cocktails And Summer Handbags. Or just use our acronym for eaiser
payment.
> CYBERGEN HEALTH, 6829 N. Lincoln-Suite 135, Lincolnwood, IL,60646
> USA
>
> Do to high volume, please allow 3-5 weeks for delivery. Thank You.
TOM: High volume of hate mail. It takes us a couple of weeks to find any
real letters.
>
> IF FOR ANY REASON YOU DECIDE THAT FABAO IS NOT RIGHT FOR
> YOU, SIMPLY RETURN THE UNUSED PORTION WITHIN 30 DAYS TO
> RECEIVE A REFUND, EXCLUDING S/H COSTS. WE OFFER AN
> UNCONDITIONAL MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE.
MIKE: Except for the times we laugh in your face.
> __________________________________________________
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> To keep up with the respect of internet users
TOM: They have any respect to keep?
> who wish their
> names removed from Italivest Marketing's email list, simply email
> to ital...@cyberpromo.com and type
CROW: "BITE ME"
> "REMOVE" in the subject field,
> leaving the message body empty to expedite your request. Its that
> simple.
MIKE: What could possibly ever go wrong?
>
> If you wish to continue to receive updated, state-of-the-art product
> info, press releases, and business and investment opportunities in
> your email box, stay tuned.
CROW: If you recently lost your brain, we're happy to hear from you.
>
> ADDITIONAL INFO ON FABAO?????(AOL MEMBERS...go to keyword
TOM: Go to keyword, go to Alabama, hell, just go anywhere that isn't here.
> :preferred
> mail or AOL will block the answer to your question
MIKE: In a surprising display of intelligence.
> when you email
> us.) Send email to ital...@cyberpromo.com, put "PDG" in the
> subject header, and your question in the body.
CROW: And a hundred bucks, or you'll never see her again.
>
>
>
>
TOM: Yay! Let's roll!
[All get up and leave.]
<..@..2..3..4..5..6>
TOM: Man, that was so unfair. We did nothing to deserve that.
MIKE: It's not like our hair is needing any treatment.
CROW: We don't even have hair.
[All slowly realise.]
ALL: Dr F. is trying hair care products!
[Deep 13. Dr F. is trying to comb his hair to cover his bald spots, and is
failing.]
DR F: So you finally figured it out. Well, for that, I'm thinking of
cancelling all your days off. What do you think of that, boobies?
[Smiles then pushes the button.]
\ | /
\|/
---0---
/|\
/ | \
fwshhhh
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Also, thanks to Dave Van Domelen for comments and corrections.
> Also contained are the following Pharmobotanicals harvested from
> Tibet, China, and Mongolia: Panax Ginseng, Purified Dodder Extract,
> Notoginseng, and Multiflower Knotwood extract.
Jamas Enright
"Answers answered and questions questioned."
Mick
The script is better than the product!
On 3 Mar 1997 04:09:05 GMT, th...@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (Jamas Enright)
wrote: