[MSTing] Jedi Lover, by Clare Mosely
DStalker
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The name just reeks of.. well, you can figure it out..
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Zach 'DStalker' Wilson
ro_...@hotmail.com
http://sqx.simplenet.com/mstings/ 'Get Your MSTings Here!'
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(SOL)
MIKE: Hi everybody, welcome to the SOL, for a change of pace today, I think we should
consider the lowly waffle.
CROW: Been there.
TOM: Done that.
MIKE: Okay, how about we make up silly inventions and show them Dr. Forrester.
TOM: Done that.
CROW: Been there.
MIKE: Okay, how about a guest host?
CROW: Been- Hey, we've never done that.
TOM: Be kinda different, but it does just sound like a writer's fantasy.
MIKE: What do you think, he is writing us as we speak.
CROW: I never thought about that, but, I suppose it's true.
MIKE: Well, I've just been written off, so bye. (Walks off set)
TOM: Hmm. Guest host, any bets upon his personal appearance?
CROW: I'm guessing single male between the ages of fourteen and twenty-four.
TOM: Good guess. (ZACH (In a really cheesy and self indulgent piece of writing, but you
realize you don't have to read this, you could just stop, but if you want to read on
thank you.) appears on the SOL in purple jump suit.)
ZACH: Hello. I'm the writer.
CROW: Duh.
TOM: You know Crow, you were exactly right.
CROW: Pay up.
TOM: We didn't bet any money, ha!
ZACH: So, how does it feel realizing I'm just writing you?
CROW: Kinda tingly, like a thousand beings just cried out in pain. So, what have you written
us in?
ZACH: Well, I started out with a couple of anime fan fics.
TOM: I somewhat remember those, they were bad, but not that bad.
ZACH: Exactly, that's why I never published them. Then I started pumping out Clare Mosely
fan fictions....
CROW: That was you?
TOM: That was you?!?
ZACH: Yup. Just me.
CROW: Huh, you realize we'll have to kill you now.
ZACH: Perfectly.. what?!? (Crow and Servo attack Zach) Ow. Ow! OW!! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!
(Mad light starts flashing)
ZACH: Mad light flashing.....
TOM: Oh..
(D13)
DR F: Hello Nelso- No, your not Nelson, who are you?
(SOL)
ZACH: The names Wilson, Zach Wilson. Shaken, not stirred.
CROW: Was that supposed to be humorous?
ZACH: Well, yeah.
CROW: We're doomed!
ZACH: It's not that bad. How about this one, a priest a duck and a rabbi-
TOM: Ahh!!!!
(D13)
DR F: Anywho, I assume your our writer. In that case your experiment this week is a gem of a
bad fan fiction called 'Jedi Lover' written by your old friend, Clare Mosely.
(SOL)
TOM: This is your doing isn't it.
ZACH: (Shakes head) Yup.
CROW: You realize this will cause further beatings.
ZACH: (Shakes head) Yup.
CROW: (Movie sign) We've got movie sign!!!
ZACH: (Shakes head) Yup.
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6..
CROW: Well, we'll just have to test you out here, you get the first crack.
>Star Wars: Jedi Lover Book One of the Skywalker Family Trilogy
ZACH: I'd rate this Trilogy with the Moore Trilogy.
TOM: You mean Roger Moore as James Bond?
ZACH: No, the Demi Moore crap-fest, you know, 'The Juror', 'The Scarlet Letter' and
'Striptease'.
CROW: Let's see if 'G.I. Jane' makes it a... whatever four movies is...
> The houses will have fallen.The universe changed. They will fall in love.
>Son of a Sith Lord and Daughter of the Jedi Princess.They will be together. And
>they will be happy. - The Jedi Monolith Prophecy
TOM: The Jedi Monolith Prophecy? Those apes didn't panic!! They were watching the
Star Wars trilogy and having fun!!
>Part One: The Courtship (or A Prophecy fulfilled)
CROW: Nostradomas predicted that.
> Yavin Four, Nineteen years after the Battle of Endor, Luke Skywalker, Jedi
>knight stood in the dense jungles of Yavin 4,the planet on which he had constructed
>his Jedi academy.
ZACH: Until a lone gunman suddenly...
> Luke could see the great gas ball of Yavin clearly from here.
CROW: Hey Tom, did you know that Uranus is big as gassy also.
TOM: I thought we dropped that a long time ago.
ZACH: Not while I'm writing.
>Not only did Luke feel completely at peace but he also felt incredibly lonely. His
>loneliness increased after his droid, See- Threepio ran out of the great temple.
TOM: So when in the company of others, he gets lonely. Crazy Jedi.
> He
>said Master Luke, you have an incoming transmission from the planet Gailia. It seems
>rather urgent.
CROW: Not urgent enough for quotation marks.
> Luke turned and headed towards the Great Temple. It was a transmission
>Luke had not expected today. But one he knew would have come sooner of later.
ZACH: Sooner of later? Isn't that an oxymoron like Military Intelligence?
CROW: Or hit UPN sitcom?
ZACH: Exactly.
> Luke was surprised to hear from Callista. Callista had been his love for a
>while, but had left Yavin Four. It had hurt Luke deeply.
TOM: But not as deeply as the nails she shot at him had gone.
> Maybe Callista felt it
>was time to come back. Thought on the outside the thought of him and Callista
>marrying was pleasing, inside the thought made Luke feel empty, almost hollow.
ZACH: Maybe he should eat every once and awhile.
>He had loved Callista, at least, he thought he had, but now it was different. He
>just did not love her enough to marry. There was only one.
CROW: Only one what? Girl? Emotion? Plot point?
TOM: Well, one is the loneliest number that you ever saw.
> "Hello Luke." Callista said. Luke could see the draw out look in her eyes,
ZACH: Draw out look? What, was she playing a paper free game of Pictionary?
> the
>haunting of a dark power taking over her. He tried to ignore it. And his doubts about
>it all.
TOM: He seriously doubted that Diet Dr. Pepper tasted as good as regular.
> He answered cheerfully "Callista, I'm glad to hear from you. Surprised, but
>glad." Callista shook her head and said "Luke, I'm afraid I have not contacted you
>for a good reason."
CROW: (Callista) I have contacted you for absolutely no reason at all. (raspberries screen)
> Luke knew what was coming. He just knew it. Like he had known
>about Yoda, and Ben's spirit, but didn't admit.
ZACH: Luke didn't admit minorities? He's as bad as those golf clubs.
> Callista was going to leave Luke for
>good. No coming back. She said "It's been nearly twelve years since my essence was
>transferred into Cray's body.
TOM: Twelve years? By this time Luke's got to be sixty!
> When my essence was transferred into I was aware
>that it might not be permanent. That time has come." Luke, not wanting to know the
>truth asked "What do you mean, Callista?"
CROW: He didn't want to know the truth, yet he asked a question.
> Callista's computer generated imaged wavered, Luke could see Callista's eyes well with
tears. She said "I'm dying,Luke." Luke yelled
TOM: And screamed, and jumped and declared that he loved his Toyota!
> "Dying, you can't be dying. You were supposed to be able to survive in
>Cray's body."
> Callista stayed stern. She said
> "Luke, my spirit is old, it's weak and it's tired.
CROW: (Callista) But my body is young Tiger, if you get my drift.
> Letting myself die is the
>only way. Even inside a human body my time on this realm was limited. I am going to
>where I am supposed to go."
TOM: (Luke) Don't go there! That's the Soylent Green factory!!
> Luke choked back a tear
TOM: Then hacked up a hair ball.
> "Goodbye, Callista."
> Callista said to Luke
> "Luke, you would have never been happy with me. You would have settled with me,
ZACH: (Luke) Aw c'mon, the Prozac would of made me happy.
>but only because she had hurt you. You even fell in love with your own sister because
>she was gone.
CROW: He didn't know that it was her sister, did he?
ZACH: I don't think that's a question that should ever be answered.
> But finding the girl who left you twenty four years ago is the only way
>you'll be happy."
> Callista began to fade away. She said in a watery, fading out
>voice
TOM: She's drowning in her own saliva!!
> "You must find the last Kenobi, that is the only way you'll be happy."
> Finally, Callista was gone. Her spirit was where it belong after so many years.
CROW: Out of this fan fic.
> The last Kenobi. Luke had no idea where to look for her. But he did know what
>Callista meant. Luke had to find Leyta Kenobi or his dreams would never cease. Luke
ZACH: Has something seriously wrong with him.
>thought he had finally come to terms with the fact he would never get married or have
>children.
ZACH: Thank god, they canceled that series for a reason.
> But lately he was being haunted by dreams. Horrible, terrifying dreams about
>a woman. A woman he had know a long time ago. He was eighteen again.
TOM: Ancient Chinese secret huh?
> Far away from him
>he saw a beautiful brunette. Luke reached out to her. She yelled at him to come back.
CROW: (Leyta) Yes, come on, come into the fiery trap that I've- oops, I've said to much.
>It was her. The only woman Luke had ever loved. Really loved. Even after so many year
TOM: To easy, next.
>Luke still loved her. Leyta Kenobi. Luke tried to run to her, but something, or someone
>pulled him back. Luke looked to see who it was. It was a tall man dressed from head to
>toe in jet black armour.
ZACH: Armour? Oh, yeah, Clare's a hoser don't ya know.
> Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. Luke tried to yelled for
>help. Pleading for Vader to stop. Pleading to his Father to stop. But it wasn't Anakin
>Skywalker beneath that armour. It was someone else. Vader would take off his helmet. But
>Luke would always wake up before he saw who it was.
ZACH: Any bets that it's him?
CROW: Naw, she'd never be that cheesy.
ZACH: This is Clare we're talking about.
>
> Until the night before. When Vader took off his helmet Luke saw who it was. It
>was a young girl, probably about fourteen or fifteen. She had shoulder length, curly
>blond hair and pale blue eyes. The girl said
TOM: (Girl) Luke I am your fath- er, mother.
> "I'm sorry, father, it can't be this way."
> Luke knew what this girl symbolised. She was the daughter he would never have.
CROW: It couldn't be a complete stranger, or that girl your always talking about.
> Luke
>shook his head, as if flinging off this bad memory. Maybe talking to Leia or Han would
>help him. Even getting Threepio to ramble on about nothing would be better than living
>with these nightmare. As if they had heard him, the droids See-Threepio and Artoo-Deetoo
>came running out of the great temple.
ZACH: (3PO) We read the script! So, what do you need?
> "Master Luke! Oh Master Luke!"
> Threepio, the large gold protocol droid yelled at the top of his vocal circuits
TOM: (Irish) Top 'o the vocal chord to you!
> "I have found a new candidate for your academy."
> Luke looked at Threepio. Sure, Luke had many students now and Threepio would get
>excited if it snowed on Hoth, but Luke was always glad when a new candidate was found
>for his Jedi academy.
CROW: This could quite easily go into some strange area.
> So Luke allowed himself a small smile. Artoo beeped a happy noise
>that meant he had found the new Jedi. Luke asked Threepio
> "What is his name?"
ZACH: (3PO) Sir, they call him Mr. Tibbs.
> Threepio started to tell Luke the new candidate's name.
> "Her name is..."
TOM: Uh oh, I feel a song coming on!
ALL: Aaaahh!
> but Threepio always seemed to be cut off. It was the same now because he was cut
TOM: In half by a wave of a rouge lightsaber.
>off by the yells of Luke's brother in law Han Solo. He yelled
> "Goldenrod, would you mind Shutting up!"
> Threepio coward behind Luke, the concept of bravery was lost on him.
CROW: He's afraid of one of his closest friends? They might as well call him 'Wimpio'.
> Threepio
>started to apologise to the tall Corellian
> "I apologise Master Han. I was just telling Master Luke the name of a new Jedi
>candidate."
ZACH: (3PO) Your new Jedi Candidate is Bob Dole!!
CROW: (Han) Great, we're doomed.
> Luke said to Threepio
> "Tell me again. What is the new candidates name?"
> But before Threepio could start he vocabulator a pretty woman with her brown hair
TOM: Say again? I think there's some punctuation missing here.
>twisted into a unique hairstyle ran out. It Leia Organa Solo, Luke's sister, Han's wife
>and the leader of the New Republic. She was yelling
CROW: (Leia) What's with the introduction? I think everybody reading this knows who I am!
> "Han, you yelling at Threepio is even worse than him!"
ALL: Who?
> But before Han could respond to his angry sounding wife Luke said in his calm,
>passive voice
> "Would you guys stop yelling so Threepio can finish telling me the name of the
>new candidate."
ZACH: (Luke) The new candidate has all my question marks!
> Threepio shook his head, humans are so complicated some times, he thought. But,
>it was Threepio's duty to tell Master Luke about any new students.
> "It's a she. One of Obi- Wan Kenobi's relations I think."
CROW: Grrrowl.
> Luke's eyes darkened under his Jedi hood. He knew who Threepio's candidate
>was........
CROW: Oh, '.........' I know him!!
ZACH: Let's go guys.
6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
ZACH: So, what'd you think at my MSTifing abilities?
CROW: Not bad, although some times your jokes went to an unexpected direction.
TOM: Yeah, why is that?
ZACH: Because I brought in a co-writer.
CROW: Huh.
TOM: Oh.
CROW: You brought in a co-writer for a story with you in it.
ZACH: Well, yeah.
TOM: Somebody has self-esteem problems.
CROW: Yeah.
ZACH: Okay. Alright. I think I've had enough.
CROW: Your going?
ZACH: Yeah, you can whip out your party hats out as soon as I leave. But as punishment
for beating me up, I'm going to......
TOM: Going to... what?
ZACH: How about I.... Send you the rest of the Jedi Lover chronology. Which I was going to do
anyway.
CROW: Great, we've doomed ourselves to an eternity of bad Clare Mosely fan fictions.
TOM: Which we were anyway.
CROW: So we didn't change much, did we?
TOM: Doesn't appear that way.
ZACH: Yeah, well, I'll figure out something different... Oh, yeah, here's Mike. (ZACH
disappears MIKE reappears.)
MIKE: Whoa. I'm back.
TOM: So, where'd you go?
MIKE: It's hard to explain... I somehow kept appearing as all these different people and was
talking to you guys, but I wasn't there, Joel was with you. I remembered you guys but
said that stuff anyway.
CROW: (Movie sign) MOVIE SIGN!!!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6..
> Jacen Solo sat cross legged in his quarters at his Uncle Luke's Jedi academy.
>He was playing with his Anilinian Spider Monkey. All of the sudden Jacen's sister, Jaina
>burst in. She was out of breath. She said
MIKE: Brass monkeys! Brass monkeys!
> "Did you hear Mom and Dad yell at Threepio?"
> Jacen was annoyed, Jaina really bothered him sometimes. His twin sister had just
>scared his spider monkey under his bed.
TOM: (Jania) Is that a spider monkey in your sheets or are you happy to see me?
> He worked on coaxing it out as he said
> "Who couldn't hear them, it reminded me of a certain sister of mine.
CROW: (Jacen) She has my questions marks!!
> Sure Jacen loved his twin sister, but when she got excited she got loud.
> "But what's the big deal? So dad got mad at Threepio, what's new about that. Dad
>yells at Threepio all the time."
TOM: (Jania) He abuses Threepio, we really out to call Robot Protective Services.
> Jaina didn't think that Jacen really heard what was going on. She heard Threepio
>talking to Uncle Luke about a new candidate for the Jedi Academy. Jacen got his Spider
>Monkey out of its small hiding spot under his bed and plunked it back in its climatically
>controlled cage, courtesy of Jaina's mechanical genius.
MIKE: So Jania invented the hand?
> Jacen turned to his sister.
TOM: Then turned on his sister snapping her neck with a flick of his wrist.
> "So why did you come here. There has to be a better reason than just telling me Dad
>yelled at Threepio."
> Jaina smacked her forehead, as if just remembering the reason she had come. She
>reached into the pocket of her jumpsuit and produced a small picture.
CROW: (Jania) It came with my wallet.
> "I was looking through some of Uncle Luke's old files, I found one that is really
>interesting."
MIKE: (Jania) It was marked with an X and had all this stuff about Area 51, whatever that is.
> Jaina handed the picture to her twin brother. Jacen exclaimed
> " You're not suppose to go through Uncle Luke's files!"
> But Jaina quickly came to her own defence.
MIKE: She fortified herself by building a series of trenches in front of her.
> "It was in the Great Library, I don't think he knows it's there."
> Jacen's brandy brown eyes surveyed the photograph.
CROW: Brandy brown? Clare, you've got some serious problems...
> Jacen could tell it was from
>Uncle Luke's private files. Because scrawled on the back of the photo, in messy handwriting
>was "Love You Forever, Skywalker. Love Leyta Kenobi".
TOM: That proved that it was from Luke's files and not to another Skywalker.
MIKE: Well, how many Lukes do you think there is on this island.
> Jacen looked at the front of the photo.
>It was their Uncle Luke, about twenty odd years ago. He looked young and innocent. He had
>his arms around the waist of a very beautiful woman, about the same age.
TOM: That's not very innocent.
MIKE: Well, you see, in Clare's world, killing thousands of people is innocent.
> She had long,
>brown hair, down to her waist. Leyta Kenobi, Jacen guessed. But who exactly was she.
CROW: Leyta Kenobi! Jeez, read the script Jacen.
> He only
>knew of one Kenobi. That had been Obi- Wan Kenobi, Uncle Luke's first teacher. Jaina
>understood Jacen's quizzical look . She questioned the picture out loud.
MIKE: (Jania) I'M QUESTOINING THE PICTURE LOUDLY!!
CROW: No, that was out loud.
MIKE: SORRY!!!
> "What I want to know is who is that woman and why is Uncle Luke hanging off her?"
> Jacen raised one eyebrow, a look he had seen his mother give his father, when she
>didn't believe him.
TOM: What's not to believe?
> "It could be anybody. I mean this picture looks like it is a least twenty five
>years old. And I know what your thinking, this woman is probably married by now."
MIKE: (Jacen) Aw, c'mon, you've been through half these novels, you know there's no chance of
that..
> Jaina gave Jacen the same look. She then shook her head, which made her brown hair
>shake from side to side.
CROW: This is where Clare hits her mark, hair description...
> "I know Uncle Luke. He wouldn't keep something that wasn't important. I don't know,
>I have a weird feeling, Like finding this picture will mean something very soon..........."
>
>
> Luke, Leia and Han stood with Threepio and Artoo, Luke said with a tense tone in his
>voice, worried to find out the name of the candidate
> "But what is her name?".
TOM: Oo, you could cut the tension with a spork.
> Threepio replied, in his a matter-of-fact voice
MIKE (Threepio) As a matter-of-fact, I don't speak matter-of-factly..
> "Her name is Leyta Kenobi. She used to live on Tatooine. Do you know her sir?"
> Luke knew her all right. He had only asked her to marry him.
CROW: He had *only* asked him to marry her..
> But he wasn't about to
>tell Threepio, or Han, or Leia that right now. Threepio didn't give Luke a chance to answer
>him he said
> "I think she would be a excellent candidate because..."
TOM: She takes a stance on taxes, and free beer for everyone!
> Threepio was cut off again by Luke. He wouldn't let Leyta come here. Not now. He was
>doing so well without her. At least, he thought he was doing well without her.
MIKE: Thought being the key word in that last sentence..
> "But I don't think she would be a good candidate. I don't think she should come here."
CROW: (Luke) This has nothing to do with the fact that she's a jerk who shattered my heart..
> Everyone was surprised with Luke's answer. He was usually glad to check out a new
>Jedi. Threepio said
TOM: Luke-o checking out that Jedi.. Great curves on the Jedis...
> "Are you sure Master Luke? She..."
> But before he could finish Luke sharply said
> "I said I do not want Leyta Kenobi to come to my academy!"
CROW: (Threepio) Master Luke, could you please get your statement out of my arm? (Tom and Mike
look) Sharply? Piercing? Aw never mind..
> Luke stalked off before anybody could said anything. Leia asked Threepio
> "Please go and make sure......
MIKE: (Leia) Be sure that those robot's kill him, other wise finish him off..
> just, you better go."
> Threepio obligingly left to the Solo's quarters while Han and Leia ran after Luke.
>They went deep into the jungle looking for him. They even check to see if he had gone back
>into his quarters but they could find him nowhere.
TOM: I ain't found Luke nowhere George, I looked everywhere, honest I did...
> They were about to give up when Leia
>heard a voice. It was Luke's. It came from behind her. Luke said
> "I'm right here, you can stop looking for me now."
CROW: (British) The International hide and seek competition has ended and Luke is the looser..
> Han yelled at Luke
> "Where have you been. We've been worried sick about you."
> Leia couldn't help laughing at the way Han reacted to Luke running away.
MIKE: Han's about as funny as Pauly Shore..
> But Han looked
>into Luke's face. It was blotchy and wet. As if Luke had be crying. He said
TOM: (Luke) You've been mean to me! Go away, I'll tell mom on you!
> "Luke, is there something wrong with that Leyta Kenobi girl? because she doesn't have
>to come here. Threepio was just trying to help."
CROW: (Han) It's not his fault, he was just poorly written.
> Han stop talking. He realised he was talking to Luke as if he was a two year old.
> Leia said
> "Please Luke tell us what's wrong. We're your family, we want to know."
MIKE: (Leia) We're just curious, ignore the camera sounds coming from my lapel..
> Luke looked into Leia's face, he saw lines of worry form all around her eyes. Han
>looked equally worried. Luke said
> "I know who Leyta Kenobi is. She is Ben Kenobi's niece. I knew her when I lived on
>Tatooine.She was my fiancee."
TOM: Tattoine.she, the most unread news group in all of existence..
>
>
> Leia and Han looked shocked. Luke's fiancee? Leia never thought Luke was ever really
>serious about a girl enough to marry her. Obi- Wan's niece? She must have been a Jedi.
CROW: Oh, of course, that's a given.
> And
>Luke had asked her to marry him. Leia could only guess Leyta had left Luke.
(General laughing)
TOM: The most obvious thing said ever.
CROW: That's even worse than (Lando) That things operational!
> That was why he
>had been so upset about the prospect of Leyta coming to the academy. Because she had hurt
>him. Leia was confused, she asked Luke in a soft voice
MIKE: Why is she confused? She just explained everything!
> "Start from the beginning, Luke I'm confused."
CROW: (Luke) Hello Confused you look allot like my sister Leia, have you met her?
> Yavin Four was in twilight now.
TOM: (Sterling) You are entering a dimension, not of sight and sound but of crap.
> The sky was orange and it magnified the glistening
>water on Luke cheeks. Luke sat down on a rock. His boots dug into the sand. More wet tears
>formed in his eyes. He cupped his head in his hands. He said
MIKE: (Luke) Why did I invest in Waterworld? Why? WHY!?
> "When I was 13 I lived on Tatooine with my Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen. One day I was
>hanging out with Fixer, Camie and Biggs. We decided to have a race in Beggar's canyon, but
>my speeder malfunctioned and shorted out. I was knock unconscious.
CROW: (Bond) The names Unconscious, Knock Unconscious.
> Ben saw us and tried to
>revive me. Leyta ran over to the accident with her uncle. Camie and Fixer said she never took
>her eyes off of me. I woke up to the most beautiful face in the world,
TOM: (Luke) Then I stopped looking in the mirror, boom!
> it was Leyta's. She
>was my age, and she was beautiful. I fell instantly in love with her. She told us that she
>was Ben Kenobi's niece and that she was going to live with him because her parents had been
>killed in an accident.
MIKE: An (makes quotation marks with hands) "accident".. the car exploded on it's own...
That's the ticket..
> Camie and Fixer hated her. They thought that she would be just a
>weird as Ben was. But I still loved her no matter what my friends said.
> "One day I saw her and started to talk to her. Then she kissed me. It was the most
>incredible kiss I have ever felt.
CROW: Also the only...
> She said she had been in love with me since she had first
>seen me. We both knew we had to be together. We were 17 when I knew we were totally and
>utterly in love with each other.
TOM: Boy, this is very.. Arkanawian...
> We even got engaged, kind of. One day, actually, the day
>after we got engaged I went to find here, I never actually knew where she lived. I found a
>note in my landspeeder from her.
MIKE: (Luke) I also found that she had stripped the car for parts better than a Jawa!
> It said she had gone to the academy. She didn't even say
>good-bye. I was crushed,
CROW: (Luke) She lobbed me into a trash compactor..
> I felt as if she had taken my heart with her. I was totally miserable
>for the year, until I met you guys.
TOM: (Luke) Then I was even more miserable!
> I wanted to go to the Academy so I could find her again,
>but my Uncle would not let me go. He had forbidden me to ever talk to a Kenobi. When he found
>out was in love with her when Fixer let it slip one day I knew he would never let me leave.
>I'm afraid that if I see her again it will bring back my feelings about her."
MIKE: Let's hope he goes postal when he sees her..
TOM: How do you know he will?
MIKE: Didn't Zach say that this was only the beginning?
TOM: Oh, yeah.. I'll get you Zach, if it's the last thing I ever do!!
> Han and Leia shifted uncomfortably. Han knew something had to be wrong with Luke
>when he wouldn't flirt with the woman on their adventures. His solitude had always worried
>Han.
CROW: You know, the more I think about it, the more Luke seems like the type that goes and
eats people...
> Leia didn't have to look far to find Luke still had feelings for Leyta. Leia felt sorry
>for Luke, he had it so hard already. Han said
> "What do you mean got engaged, kind of?"
MIKE: (Luke) Well, we were still in final negotiations.. Her agent talked to mine, my agent
talked to hers, then she ran off.
> Luke smiled at the thought. Engaged. It was a foreign concept to him. He had never
>really been serious about anybody enough to even call her his lover, except Leyta, but
>engaged. An old memory assaulted Luke
TOM: The memory was arigned in the fifth superior court for assault, in a moment, the results
of that trial..
> Luke laid inside of the landspeeder.
CROW: I'm getting a laser blast flashback...
MIKE: Laserblast?
CROW: Oh, wait, the writer screw up what little continuity we had... Good one Zach!
> His feet went up onto the second seat. Leyta laid
>on top of him. She was asleep.
TOM: Insert snoring sounds here..
> His hands were wrapped around her. They were covered with the
>sheet Luke used to cover the supplies he kept in the backrest.
MIKE: A sheet, yeah, that's going to protect you against freezing desert nights...
> Other than that they wore no
>clothing.
CROW: Eww.. He's got to be covered with cooties!
> Luke looked up into the sky. The stars twinkled bright. Leyta stirred, he could feel
>Leyta's warm skin against his. Luke did not worry about Sand people, or Jawas, or anybody
>finding them. For some reason he felt no one would find them.
TOM: Just then everybody he knew jumped out of the sand with a surprise birthday party!
> Leyta woke up. Luke smiled at
>her, she smiled back.
> "What are you looking at?"
MIKE: (Falsetto) Well.... there's something green in your teeth..
> She asked. He replied
> "The stars."
> She shifted to looked. She said
> "They are beautiful."
> Luke added
CROW: Boy, you can predict this dialogue like clockwork.. He's going to say she's more
beautiful...
> "But only half as beautiful as you. You know I love you, Don't you?"
TOM: Yup.
> Leyta nodded and said
> "I love you too, Luke."
> "Leyta, promise me you will always be with me."
MIKE: (Whitney Houston) And I-I-I-I WILL ALWAYS L-
CROW: That's enough Mike.
> Luke asked. But Leyta answered
> "I can't promise you that Luke."
> Luke's pale blue eyes met Leyta's soft brown ones.
CROW: Ow..
> He asked, with a slight quiver in his
>voice
> "Why not Leyta, I love you."
TOM: (Leyta) Well, love will make the world go round but it won't make the world go round!
> Leyta closed her eyes. They now sat up in the landspeeder. The cover felt cold now. She
>shivered. Luke slipped his own shirt on top of her. She said
> "Luke, you know about the Rebellion, right?"
MIKE: The South will rise again!
> He nodded
> "Well, I have a feeling that one of us will end up joining the Rebellion and the other
>will stay behind. It will not be by choice, but we will be apart."
CROW: She's Nostradomas-ette...
> Luke didn't think anything could ever bring Leyta and him apart. They were made for
>each other. He said
> "I can't be without you Leyta, you know that."
TOM: (Luke) No, I really, I can't be without you, I think it's called co-dependency..
> Leyta took a deep breath, trying to hold back her tears.
> "I know you love me Luke. But it will be this way no matter what we do."
> Luke didn't understand. He and Leyta would be together forever. Wouldn't they?
MIKE: If he's thinking this in the present, wouldn't he already know that?
CROW: I think it's called a flashback...
> But if
>Leyta was really afraid, then he knew what he had to do. Luke did something he longed to do
>since the day he had met Leyta.
CROW: He ripped her open and crawled inside her body for warmth...
> "But if we do get separated because of the Rebellion, then after it is over. After the
>Empire if defeated promise you will look for me, so we can get married."
> Leyta giggled, she said
> "Luke, is this a proposal?!"
TOM: Well, sort of, but that was explained earlier..
> Luke said
> "I guess it is. Leyta, will you marry me after the wars are over."
MIKE: (Lounge singer) Those wars in the stars those crazy star wars!
> He handed her a golden bracelet.
> "It was my mother's, at least that's what Aunt Beru said. When you show it to me, I'll
>know it's you."
CROW: (Luke) I won't recognize you when your withered and old...
> Leyta tenderly kissed Luke on the lips. She whispered in his ear
> "Of course I'll marry you."
> Leyta snuggled up close to Luke, and under the stars that shone on Tatooine he fell
>asleep.
MIKE: And froze to death!
>
> Luke replied to Han
> "One day, when we were together, everything was going great, I mean.."
TOM: (Luke) Until she said that she hated my guts and slit my wrists..
MIKE: Boy we've gotten dark.
TOM: Well, the more Mosely, the more dark, it's scientific fact..
> Han stopped Luke quickly, I mean, this was Luke he never had a serious girl. At least,
>not that he knew of.
CROW: His girls were all funny girls, stand up comedians..
> "We don't need all the details, kid."
MIKE: But if you sell them to Penthouse you'll make alot of money..
> Luke continued, he felt sadder as he told Han and Leia about Leyta, but felt good that
>he finally told someone.
> "Well, I told Leyta that I loved her and wanted to be with her forever.
TOM: (Luke) She didn't believe me so I slapped her around a-
MIKE: That's enough..
> But she said
>that one of us would be swept up into the Rebellion, and the other one wouldn't. And we would
>be separated, so I told her, once the Rebellion was over and the Empire was hopefully gone,
>that I would look for Leyta so I could marry her.
CROW: This was explained earlier, what was the point of that flashback if they're just going
to repeat it?
> Leyta asked me if I was proposing to her,
>I guess it was, so we became engaged. I gave her the bracelet my Aunt Beru gave me, she told
>me it had been my mothers. It was priceless.
MIKE: (Luke) I found it in a pawn shop years later for 400$, so I guess it wasn't priceless..
> Then, so was Leyta's love. I never saw her again
>after that."
> Leia contemplated what Luke had just said.
TOM: Loading document, having memory problems, process aborted.
> It sounded as if Leyta had planed the promise,
>like she knew that she would be leaving Luke. She wanted to say that Luke had broke his
>promise, but Leia could look at Luke and see he wanted to be alone.
CROW: Of course, the fact that he was pushing her out of the door might of been another
inclination...
> "We better go, are you going to be all right Luke?"
> Luke looked up at his sister. She was so worried about him.
> "I'll be fine, Leia, just go on. I kind of want to be alone."
MIKE: Alone in the Dark 17: Luke's Adventures..
> Han turned to leave
> "I'll see you later, Kid."
TOM: He's like fifty! I think it's a little too old to call him kid..
> Leia and Han left, Luke looked up into the sky, he said
> "Leyta, I know I haven't really kept my promise to you. But I promise I'll find you,
CROW: I'll find you if it's the last thing I ever do! Burn in hell Leyta!
>then maybe we can see if we can work things out. Because I still love you. Even twenty four
>years later."
>
>
> "Mistress Leyta! Do wake up!"
MIKE: (6EA) The plot is leaving without you..
> See- Sixea, a silver protocol droid yelled as she shook her mistress awake.
TOM: I guess interspecies relationships can be worked out..
> Her mistress,
>Leyta Kenobi woke up with a jolt.
CROW: And then with a Mountain Dew..
> Her long, brown hair was in a tangled mess around her
>shoulders.
MIKE: If you don't look good, we don't look good.
> Leyta was wearing the crumpled robes of a Jedi knight. Leyta never found out if
>her training had been complete. But it gave her a great satisfaction when her uncle had given
>her the robes of a Jedi on her last night on Tatooine. Ben had always said that Leyta's only
>way to be come a Jedi was to make the ultimate sacrifice.
CROW: She must sacrifice her winnings for what's in the box!
> At first Leyta thought he had meant
>death.
TOM: Not a great way to get more members.. To join, die!
> But death did not scare Leyta.
CROW: Clowns scared Leyta..
> It had to be something else. She only learned what that
>something else was a month ago. Leyta got up and rubbed her shoulder.
MIKE: Wow, Clare actually brought out something then completely ignored it in the next
sentence.. She just might be improving..
> She had fallen asleep
>in the pilot seat of her ship, the Corellian stock light freighter, the Silver Phoenix.Leyta
>turned to Sixea
CROW: Any resemblance between the characters or names in this scene and the rest of the Star
Wars universe are completely obvious and evident and crappy!
> and asked
> "What happened?"
TOM: (6EA) We hit the plot!
> The droid shook her head and started to dust Leyta's dirty robes. The droid replied
> "You had fallen asleep and started to yell in your sleep again. These dreams about Master
>Skywalker must stop soon, Mistress."
MIKE: Clare's got some issues...
> Leyta shook her head. The same dream had been haunting her since she had gotten back from
>Gailia. It was the dream that convinced her death was not the ultimate sacrifice for her.
>Leaving Luke was. He meant so much to her. Now being a Jedi was at the cost of her happiness,
CROW: Boy, first Luke looks like he's going to go postal, now her too! This story is just full
of lonely, lonely characters...
>their happiness. Now she thought she had lost him forever. On Gailia she had met a woman named
>Callista.
BOTS: Catfight! Catfight!
> Callista had met Luke years before. Leyta was horrified to find out that Luke had
>told Callista he loved her. Thought Callista had left Luke,
TOM: We're switching perspectives like there's no tomorrow!
> she was still scared to find out
>what had happened to Luke. No; fear was part of the dark side. Leyta closed her eyes and took
>a deep breath.
MIKE: (Corn Nut) BREATH IT IN! GOOD!! NOW LET THE TENTION LEAVE YOUR BODY!!
> She cleared her mind of all thought. It was clear what she had to do. Sixea
>continued
CROW: ... gnawing on Leyta's arm...
> "Mistress Leyta, do you think it's wise to not be running from General Millimen's ship?
TOM: Or General Micro Machine..
>Here we are not safe. Prince Serio's
MIKE: Drawings are all over Mad magazines..
> protection does not work outside of his domain. Plus,
>General Millimen did seemed quite intent on getting the schematics back."
> Leyta shook her head to make her long, brown hair shake from side to side.
CROW: Clare's got a hair obsession...
TOM: Clare's got a lot of obsessions..
> Carolyn
>Millimen was not going to threaten her right now. And Prince Serio had no idea where she was.
>She hoped it stayed that way. And maybe, if she went to the famous Jedi Academy she could win
>back her fiance.
MIKE: She'd win back her fiancee in a Martial Arts Tea Ceremony!
> With a smile on her face Leyta replied
> "No, Sixea, first tell Mari to set a course for Yavin 4. I have an old friend to visit."
CROW: (Leyta) Yes, visit... "visit".. heheh
>
>
> Luke hadn't gotten a lot of sleep that night. He could tell Leia hadn't either. He
>couldn't tell if it was from Han and Threepio fighting, or him.
TOM: I'm just guessing... him..
> But Luke was too tired to
>think about it. All last night he thought about Leyta.
MIKE: Clare's been watching a little too much late night HBO...
> He had lost his virginity to her. And
>he had been faithful to her all these years.
CROW: Not by his choise but he had..
> Everytime he thought about sleeping with another
>woman he thought about Leyta, then felt guilty.
TOM: Wow, he's got some real issues..
> So he didn't. Luke walked into the main
>audience chamber. He was already thirty minutes late.
CROW: And here's our host, Billy Chrystal!
> He remember twenty four years ago being
>in the same place getting a medal for saving Leia's life and destroying the Death Star. He had
>been a boy then, he did not known the truth.
MIKE: (Mulder) The truth is out there.. under my bed....
> Leaving Tatooine to serve the Rebellion had not
>only been his dream, but it was a way to forget about the pain Leyta had left him with.
CROW: I need a break.
TOM: Hey, guys, I want to show you something I made..
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(SOL)
(Servo is the only one there, he has a suit on and is standing next to the umbilicus)
TOM: Hello everyone out there in America. On today's 'On the Umbilicus' I've visited a charming
little man by the name of Clayton Forrester.. Dr. Forrester for those of you who care
about such things.. (A picture of Dr F appears on a screen behind Servo..) Dr Forrester
is a strange little man that has done what no other person has ever done, but many would
say that nobody would want to do what he's done, but don't tell that to Dr Forrester,
because he just might shoot you into space. See Clayton is a self described mad scientist.
(A picture of Dr Earnheart and Dr F appear) Clayton started his experiment from his
basement in the late eighties.. His assistant, one Larry Earnheart helped him as he shot
his janitor, Joel Robinson into space. Well, things change, as they always do, eventually,
Larry left, and so did Joel. I wish I had left, but I was forced to stay here. (picture
of Dr F yelling) See, Clayton is a mean little man, full of spite and hate. Who only does
things if they are evil. He deserves to be slapped with trout in front of a large audi-
(lasers zap servo from the walls)
DR F: (Hexfield) I heard that Servo! You'll pay for this, you will pay for this! (movie sign)
TOM: We've got movie sign!!
(Charles Kuralt 1935-1997)
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
>
> Luke looked at the many Jedi gathered in the chamber.
TOM: (Luke) What a bunch of freaks.
> He recognised a few right away.
>Jacen, Jaina and Anakin, Leia and Han's wonderful kids,
CROW: And the stupidest characters in the entire Star Wars universe..
> Tenel Ka, heir to the Hapes throne and
>Lowbacca,
MIKE: Lowbacca's low backed chairs are on sale at Target this week..
> Chewie's nephew. He saw Kyp Durron and Tionne, two Jedi who had graduated his
>academy years ago. Tionne told of Jedi history and sung songs about the great deeds of Jedi
>from a time long ago.
CROW: In a galaxy far, far away..
>
> Kyp was merely a shadow of the young man he had been when Han had saved him from the
>dark mines of Kessel and when he had started training. Kyp's experiences in the force were a
>great lesson to all the student.
TOM: Well, 75% of the student, the rest of the students did get it at all..
> He had been on the Dark side. He had become a Sith Lord.
>But Han helped bring him back. Not only did he learn more than many students, but he had become
>a man.
CROW: Previously he was Ru Paul..
> As Luke had when he faced Darth Vader for the last time. Now Kyp was a Jedi Knight, one
>of the greatest ones at that.
>
> Luke smiled at his niece and nephews and their friends.
MIKE: And then smote down the rest of the students who he didn't like.
> Luke was happy he had a reason
>to be around his wonderful niece and nephews right now.
TOM: Boy, Clare's full of praise for those guys, wonder if she's ever read the Young Jedi
Chronicles..
CROW: Yup, she even reviewed them on her page.. She surprise surprise, loved them..
> But Leia's children also reminded him
>of the children he would never have. Jaina looked fearfully like the girl from Luke's dreams.
MIKE: And the creepy chronicles continue..
>Luke's daughter he would never have. Luke smiled again. Luke could tell that the kids could
>see right though his fake smile.
TOM: Maybe the fact that he had no teeth before he put on the smile had given things away..
> Luke then saw Leia and Han. They were visiting Yavin Four
>now.
CROW: That requires a big DUH.
> Leia usually had to be on Coruscant, to act as head of state. Luke stepped onto the
>stage. He said
MIKE: (Irish) Break it up! Nothing to see here! Break it up!
> "Welcome, my Students. I am sorry I am late.
ALL: We want refunds!
> Today I want you to work on the abilities
>you already have. Practise is the only way to strengthen your skills. And you do need to
>strengthen your skills."
CROW: I'm here to pump, you up!
> A blond student in the front row stuck his hand up in the air. The student's name was
>Raynar and he always had something to say. He yelled
TOM: ..out as the alien spike emerged from his chest spewing blood everywhere..
> "How can we learn anything if we just practice what we know."
MIKE: (Luke) Look, I just work here.
> Before Luke could open his mouth someone from behind the crowd said
> "Young Man, you must learn that your powers need to strengthen. Moving on to something
>harder can damage you.
CROW: Or it can give you new challenges!
> Your Master is right to make you do simple exercises. Thought I do not
>agree with everything your Master says. Remember, Raynar, a Jedi must learn patience. You must
>learn to wait for new skills."
TOM: Sounds like she's talking about a RPG..
> Out from behind the crowd walked a person wearing a dark Jedi robe. The stranger
>reached into there robes to take something out.
CROW: SHE'S GOT A GUN!! (Crow ducks behind the seats..)
> Kyp thought they were attacking so he drew
>his lightsaber and ignited it with a SNAP-HISS.
MIKE: Lightsabers make Don Martin sound effects..
> He tried to strike the person. The person had
>dropped what they had taken out of their pocket and pull out and ignited their lightsaber and
>Kyp was met with a long purple blade. Kyp tried to strike again but the stranger put out their
>hand and Kyp was flung backwards.
ALL: GO GO POWER RANGERS!! Do do do do do..
> Luke stepped forward with his lightsaber inviting the
>stranger to strike. The dark Stranger deactivated their lightsaber. Luke saw what the stranger
>had dropped.
TOM: Eww...
> He picked up the small, dainty bracelet. Luke gulped, he recognized the bracelet.
MIKE: (Luke) Your, your, epileptic..
>The stranger removed their hood. Underneath it was a beautiful brunette. She said
> "I know Master Skywalker believes in giving second chances. I hope he will give me one.
>Even thought I do not deserve it."
CROW: We now return to low self esteem theater..
> The woman licked her lips and took a deep breath and said
> "I'm sorry I took so long, Luke."
TOM: (Woman) If it wasn't for Phillips Gel Caps, I'd still be there..
> Luke gasped, then whispered in a barely audible voice
> "Leyta."
>
> Leyta looked exactly how Luke remembered her.
MIKE: Except about fifty years older..
> Without her hood she wore a long, black
>dress. Han could only guess it was the outfit of a female Jedi.
(Chuckling)
CROW: He's a Jedi expert, and he's guessing?
> The long robes flowed free
>from her waist down.
TOM: The modern Jedi looks smashing in her robe by Beverly of Hollywood..
> The tight top of her dress showed off her almost dangerous looking curves.
MIKE: Her curves we so dangerous that they sliced Luke to shreds..
>She looked incredible. Han could see why Luke liked her. No, Luke said he LOVED her. Leia
>was wide eyed when she saw Leyta.
BOTS: Catfight!! Woo!
> She looked like a Jedi, she fought like a Jedi and she
>threw Kyp back with the wave of her hand. Luke couldn't think clearly. Here was the girl that
>had broke his heart so many years ago. Leyta smiled at Luke
> "Hello Luke, it's been a long time."
CROW: You ruined my career! (think Tia Carre at the end of Wayne's World..)
> Luke was stunned.
TOM: Leyta had hit him with a tazer..
> He didn't know what to say. He finally did the most logical thing he
>could think of.
MIKE: He tore up the script.
> Luke Skywalker, greatest Jedi knight in the galaxy ran away.
CROW: Apparently Jedi Master = wimp.
> Kyp turned to the
>students and said
> "Please go and start you exercises for today."
TOM: Kyp speaks in ebonics..
> as all of the students left, except for the Solo kids, Tenet Ka and Low. Leia said
> "You're Leyta. Leyta Kenobi."
CROW: (Leyta) No, I just play her in bad fan fics..
> Leyta smiled, so Luke had told people about her. She was surprised
> "I guess Luke's probably told you about me. It's an honor to meet you Madame Head of
>State.
MIKE: Madeline Albright is here?
> And you Captain Solo, you are quiet famous in almost every quadrant of this galaxy."
CROW: (Leyta) As being a complete boob.
> Kyp was still stunned from this beauty's danger. But he finally got up. He said
> "Where did you learn such a good trick?"
TOM: (Leyta) Pen and Teller special..
> Leia looked at Kyp, as a Jedi he should know that wasn't a trick. But Leia could only
>sense Leyta's force powers through her actions, not through the force.
MIKE: Say again?
> Leyta must have put a
>well- guarded barrier around her mind. That was not a trick of a mere trainee. Could Obi- Wan
>have taught Leyta the ways of the force when she lived with him?
CROW: Um.. yeah.
> Leyta replied to Kyp
> "A Jedi does not use tricks.
MIKE: Jedi's prefer treats.
> A Jedi uses the force to help them protect them self and
>others. And you, Kyp Durron, could of hurt somebody with that thing."
> From outside a silver protocol droid and a large grey Wookiee emerged.
TOM:" I feel sorry for that poor droid, having a wookie emerge from it..
> The droids
>silver feet clinked against the hard floor as she ran across. The droid yelled
> "Mistress Leyta! I still highly object to you meeting this Master Skywalker. Marianna
CROW: Oh, great, a wookie, just what we need..
>expresses the same distress."
> Leyta shook her head. Sixea had the great ability to always interrupt at the wrong time.
MIKE: Just like Threepio...
>Leyta said
> "Sixea, Mari, I'm kind of busy."
> Leyta turned to Leia and Han
> "Friends of mine."
TOM: Seems like she's always stuck in second gear...
> She explained, almost apologizing to them. Leyta turn to where Luke had run off to
> "I guess I didn't make a very good second impression on Luke?"
CROW: That's an understatement if I've ever heard one..
> Han was fuming, who did this girl think she was? he said
> "Of course you didn't make a good second impression on Luke. You broke is heart.
MIKE: And ate it with some fava beans in a nice kiante sauce...
> Make
>promises and then break them. Wasn't Luke really lucky to have a great girl like you. NO."
TOM: Clare, I think you need to proof read..
> Leyta's eyes widened. Everything was going wrong. Leyta scrutinised Han's facial
>expression. Of course, Luke was upset at her for leaving. She hated herself for it. So why
>wouldn't Luke hate her.
CROW: Understatement after understatement after understatement..
> She said
> "Is that what Luke thinks I did? I have to go find him."
> Leyta ran off leaving everybody confused and speechless.
MIKE: Confused is a copyrighted name by Zach Wilson enterprises, all rights reserved, etc, etc.
>
>
> Leia and Han walked back to their quarters in confusion. Jaina ran up behind her mother.
>She asked Leia
> "Mom, who is that? Is that Uncle Luke's girlfriend?"
CROW: (Leia) If you count Ru-Paul as a girl...
> Leia looked at her daughter, even Jaina, a fourteen year old could sense Luke's strong
>feelings for Leyta.
TOM: Keep in mind this was written by a fourteen year old..
> Jaina left with Tenel Ka and Jacen, to find Luke, they said, leaving
>Leia and Han alone. Leia smacked Han in the back of the head and said
MIKE: Then she bit him on the ear, she can't foxy box any more..
> "Why did you say that to her, Han!"
TOM: Um.. because she deserved it?
> Han could see Leia was serious about this. He couldn't blame her. Han had acted like a
>jerk to Leyta.
CROW: Leyta had acted like a jerk to Luke, it's a vicious cycle..
> And Han knew that Leyta had to have something important to tell Luke, or she
>would not have come back. He moved towards her and said
> "Listen, Sweetheart, Luke is my best friend. I don't want to see him get hurt."
MIKE: (Han) Unless it's at my hands.. heheh
> Leia wrapped her arms around Han's waist. Luke's happiness was all she was interested in.
TOM: Apparently not.. GRR..
> "I just want Luke to be happy. I think deep down inside the only way he'll be happy is
>with Leyta Kenobi."
CROW: So in other words, he'll never be happy at all..
> Han couldn't disagree with Leia. She was right, as usual.
TOM: She should go on Jeopardy.
> Luke had never gotten close
>to any woman in all of the time he had know him. Han kissed Leia tenderly on her forehead.
>All of the sudden the door burst open.
MIKE: Luke Skywalker! This is your life!!
> Standing there was Luke, his clothes had been torn and
>covered with dirt. His face looked the same.
> "Where have you been, Luke?" asked Leia in a surprised voice.
CROW: (Luke) Action movie set.. dang special effects..
> It was a pretty damn good question too. It looked like Luke had just been eaten and spat
>up by a rancor.
TOM: We can only hope...
> Luke didn't answer Leia, he just looked at himself and started to pace back
>and forth. Han recognised it.
MIKE: He finally figured out what that growth on his neck was..
> He had acted the exact same way when Leia almost married Prince
>Isolder of Hapes. Han had never seen his friend so nervous. Luke stopped pacing. He said
>"Dammit,
CROW: Don't you mean 'blazing banthas'?
> Why now, why did Leyta come back now. It's frightening to see her again. I just can't
>believe after twenty- five years she thinks that she can just come back into my life.
TOM: Well, she did, deal with it pink boy!
> I mean
>she left me. She left for the academy, breaking her promise to wait for me. She thought of no
>one but herself."
> Luke suddenly heard an angry voice from behind him.
MIKE: It's George Lucas! Run!!
> But the voice was also full of
>despair and hopelessness. It said
> "That's not true, Luke Skywalker. I left because of you."
CROW: That makes about as much sense as Mission Impossible..
> Behind Luke in the doorway was Leyta Kenobi, behind her stepped out Jacen and Jaina
> "We brought her here Uncle Luke, I hope you don't mind."
> Said Jaina.
(Mike and the bots applaud)
MIKE: Finally, instead of Jania said, enter. It's enter, said Jania!
> she knew that this girl and Luke were made for each other. She could feel
>it the second she stepped foot on Yavin Four.
TOM: Clare sure repeats her self alot..
> Leyta's eyes met Luke's and she said
> "That note I left you at the Tosche station, none of it is true. In fact, I didn't leave
>that note, my uncle left it. I didn't go to the academy, you know I hated the academy.
CROW: He doesn't know bat pucky! Remember, you haven't seen him in years?
> The
>only reason I wanted to go is because you wanted to go. It time I tell you the truth.
MIKE: (Leyta) It time I tell you truth. Leyta smash!
> For the
>last twenty five years of my life I have been running from Imperial troops. I didn't want to
>leave you............"
> Leyta trailed off, her voice quivered. Her brown eyes pooled with tears.
TOM: This is our ool, notice there's no p in it!
> Luke moved next
>to Leyta and wiped her tears with his hand. He whispered to her
> "Stop it Leyta, I hate it when you cry........"
> Luke always said that when he saw Leyta cry, which was not that often.
CROW: Clare just rolls out the understatements one after the other!
> But when she
>did it tore Luke's heart in half to see her upset. It struck Luke HE WAS STILL DEEPLY IN LOVE
>WITH Leyta.
MIKE: Of course people don't change in thirty years.. At least not in Clare's little universe..
> It made sense, she still loved him, too, or she wouldn't have come back.
TOM: She could of come back to return some mail, or borrow a cup of sugar, but you didn't
think of that, did you Luke?
> Luke
>moved away from Leyta, not wanting to get to close yet. Jaina smiled at her brother and her
>brother smiled back. Leia asked
> "What happened if you did not go to the academy?"
MIKE: You know, everytime I hear the word academy, Steve Gutenburg flashes into my head..
> Leyta bit her lip, it was not the time to tell all of Luke's friends. First she needed
>to tell Luke. She said
> "I kind of want to tell Luke about that alone."
> Luke nodded his head
> "Come on, I'll show you around."
CROW: (British) The students enter here, are brushed along the corridor twords the rotating
knives.. the blood comes out of these spouts and the mangled flesh..
> He took Leyta's hand and they left the Solo's quarters. Leia smiled at Han and Han
>smiled back at her while the twins exchanged excited glances. Leyta would be a great Aunt,
>if Uncle Luke would marry her.
TOM: *If* being the key word...
>
>
> "It's very beautiful here Luke."
> Said Leyta in a small voice. Leyta probably did love the dense jungles, but to Luke,
>Leyta seemed lightyears away.
MIKE: In fact, she was, there was no Leyta, no monster..
> "Please Leyta, tell me why you left."
> Luke pleaded. Leyta frowned
> "Okay Luke. But it's a long story."
CROW: Don't we know it!
> Luke whispered
> "It's okay, I've got time to hear it."
> Leyta took a deep breath
> "Before I met you I lived on the planet, Willion. But when I was thirteen Darth Vader,
TOM: Thirteen Darth Vaders? Isn't one bad enough?
>who used to be my father's best friend came and killed my parents in the middle of the night.
>This was the second time he did this to me.
MIKE: How many parents did she have?
> Because a year earlier he killed my brother, in a
>battle. On Willion Vader didn't kill me, but he tried to turn me to the Dark Side of the force.
>He thought that I was too young to have started training, but I knew enough to get me out of
>there.
CROW: (Leyta) The lightning round was hell, but I did know the capital of Bulgaria..
> "I hitched rides across the galaxy to Tatooine. My first day there I met you. I fell
>in love with you right away. I felt truly happy when I was with you.
MIKE: (Leyta) No, wait, I'm thinking of someone else.
> But when I was there Ben
>taught me the ways of the force. But over the years Vader learned where I had gone. He came
>after me. Luckily, I was able to fight the stormtroopers he send after me.
TOM: (Leyta) I was able to fight them.. But they won and roasted me over an open flame..
> Uncle Ben knew that
>Vader had found me and he told me all about Anakin Skywalker. I knew that if I ever got caught
>by the Empire you would come after me. Then Vader would turn you to the Dark side. I saw it.
>It killed me inside, but I left Tatooine.
CROW: Good now that's finally over..
> "I flew to the planet Dathomir where I would be safe.
CROW: Do'h!
> My Uncle told me that Vader was
>afraid of the Nightsisters, so I was safe. I masqueraded as a long lost clan sister. I became
>friends with one of the witches, her name was Teneniel Djo.
MIKE: The only one that's a known character..
> We spent lots of time together.
>But one of the witches left Dathomir looking for her lost child and she came back later
>with the child and news.
TOM: FLASH! Pearl Harbor bombed, Roosevelt declares war!
> The Dark Lord and the Emperor had been killed by Vader's son, Luke
>Skywalker. But she had gotten her fact mixed up and said that the hero had been killed when
>the Death Star was destroyed. I now could leave.
MIKE: Um.. no you couldn't, you see most of the plot in "Courtship of Princess Leia" revolves
around the fact that there were no ships on Dathomir..
CROW: Fan boy...
MIKE: This coming from the guy that has Cpt Kirk pajamas?
> But I had nothing out there if you were
>dead.
> "But two years later you came to Dathomir to save Leia from Han with Prince Isolder.
>One night Teneniel came to me and said she had fallen in love with a Jai named Luke Skywalker.
>I knew it was you because I felt your presence.
CROW: If you felt his presence why did you think it was- It's no use.. sigh.
> But when I told her it was my Luke she had
>strong feelings for. After she had become engaged to Prince Isolder. She told me to see if
>it was my Luke.
TOM: (Leyta) It turns out it was an imitation Luke, with not as good production values..
> But I knew it was you. But you left before I could find you. It took me so
>many years to find you again, but I have, and Luke, now that I have see you I know I still
>love you and that's why I kept the bracelet you gave me.
MIKE: Long Sentences 'R' Us we provide commas by the dozens..
> Our promises to each other. About
>that we would get married after the Empire was defeated. Our bracelet is my most treasured
>possession. Other than your love."
> Luke turned away from Leyta after she finished. This all was coming to him way to fast.
CROW: ERROR: EMS Memory problem, (A)bort, (R)etry, Re(W)rite. No chance of that..
>It ripped through his heart like a knife.
TOM: (Luke) Oh, wait, that is a knife.. Owie..
> His father, Darth Vader killed her parents, her
>uncles, her brother. How could his father hurt this wonderful girl?
MIKE: He is the dark lord of the sith y'know..
> The girl he loved. Luke
>couldn't deny it anymore. He was still in love with Leyta and it would never change. Luke
>squeezed Leyta's hand, to show that he was there for her.
CROW: I hope they don't break out into song..
> Leyta said
> "Luke, I'm glad I'm with you right now."
> Luke embraced Leyta, he could feel her small body tremble.Luke whispered in her ear
TOM: (Leyta) Here? Now? In front of the woodland creatures?
> "I've always been here for you."
> Then, he kissed her. Luke had longed to do that since the moment Leyta came back. Now
>he had. Leyta pulled away
> "Luke this doesn't feel right,"
MIKE: (Leyta) It feels left..
> Luke looked at her.
> "Why Leyta?"
> But Leyta didn't have time to answer as the Unidentified Spacecraft Alarm went off.
CROW: Finally, the plot.. We're about a War and Pease length in, and boom, he's the plot.
>
>
> General Carolyn Millimen hated Leyta Kenobi with a passion. The beautiful Jedi had
>caused her trouble too many times.
TOM: (Millimen) Dang kids, what with their rock music and their Jedi powers..
> Leyta started giving her trouble during the time the
>second Death Star was built. Leyta was just a young brat back then. Darth Vader had wanted
>Leyta because of her strength in the force. Carolyn was afraid that Leyta would replace
>Carolyn as Vader's protegee. Carolyn was Vader's own creation. Carolyn was a HRD.
(All groan)
MIKE: Oh great, a cyborg, just what we need!
> A Human
>Replica Droid. Carolyn only knew of a few others like her. Guri, a HRD owned by Xizor,
>Vader's main competition for a place at the Emperor's side. But Carolyn had no idea what had
>happened to her. She might have died when Xizor's palace blew up.
TOM: Perhaps..
> Then there were several
>other scattered around the galaxy. There was one in a nearby galaxy. By the name of Data.
ALL: No!
CROW: This keeps getting worse and worse..
> And
>Data's cute and evil twin brother, Lore. Data worked in Star fleet. Thought that Star fleet
>had no Affiliation with the New Republic they were horribly similar. They both believe in
>equality for all.
MIKE: And guess what, so does the good old US of A you commie!
CROW: Mike let's go, I need a snack!
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(SOL)
(Crow has a box of pop tarts (strawberry, non-frosted) infront of him, one package is open with
a pop tart lying on the table)
CROW: Ah.. Pop tarts, the second best breakfast food, next to waffles, of course.
(Suddenly the lone pop tart lights on fire and starts floating in the air)
CROW: Mike! Mike! It's happening again!
TART: (With Aussie accent) 'e can't help you know! I'm 'ere to tell you about something.
CROW: Um.. pop tart demon, tell me about what?
TART: About the movie Congo.
CROW: I loved that movie!
TART: That's why I've come to haunt you! Congo was a horrible movie!
CROW: No it wasn't! It had lava and monkeys and guns and stuff..
TART: Yeah, but the presence of Tim Curry makes me want to puke my Smuckers out. Plus the
horrible acting by Ernie Hudson makes the movie horrible.
CROW: Yeah but.
TART: Hey! I'm the flaming talking Australian pop tart demon! Listen to me!
CROW: I really don't have a choice, do I?
TART: No, you don't.. Anywho, every single copy of that movie should get destroyed in a big
public bonfire. I mean, they still used guys in suits for cripes sake! (movie sign)
What the 'ell is that?
CROW: It's the movie sign.
TART: Not Congo right?
CROW: No, it's much much worse..
TART: 'Righty then.. go on with your movie..
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5..
CROW: Mike, remind me that if a flaming pop tart ever starts dissing a movie at me..
MIKE: Yeah?
CROW: Remind me to eat him..
MIKE: Okay.. I'll remember.
> Ha! Carolyn believed in equality only if you deserved it. Carolyn worked
>damn hard to get where she was. Vader had crafted her himself. With something extra as well.
>She didn't know how he did it, but Vader managed to give her force power.
TOM: Of course, it wouldn't be a Star Wars story if there weren't eighty billion new Jedi
discovered at every turn.. I'm beginning to think there's more Jedi in the SW 'verse
than normal people..
> She was strong and
>lethal. And most importantly Carolyn had no conscience for what she did. Now, about a decade
>ago an imperial admiral turned up.
CROW: Dead in the Hudson river... (Insert Law and Order theme here)
> By the name of Daala. Now, Carolyn thought that Jena McKern,
>her friend, was the only female Imperial admiral. But she must have been wrong. Anyway, Daala
>had a scientist named Qwi Xux with her.
MIKE: And this all leads too...
> Qwi Xux had designed the Death Star and the Sun Crusher.
>But a spy for Carolyn and the New Empire got a copy of the schematics for the dreaded Sun
>Crusher, Carolyn had them right in her hand.
CROW: No, really?
> Right there.
CROW: I guess so.
> But Leyta Kenobi's Wookiee struck
>Carolyn so hard she shut down. Then that Leyta Kenobi stole the plans. But Carolyn would get
>them back. Yes, Carolyn would get that Jedi. And her little Wookiee too.
TOM: Mike can I ask you a favor? Just disintegrate me right now, put me out of my misery..
MIKE: If I did that too you, I'd have to fill out to many insurance forms.. No Tom..
> Luke ran to the docking bay. Leyta was running right behind him. Leyta's dress flapped
>wildly around her legs. Luke wore a comfortable flight suit and wasn't bothered. There in the
>grey light stood an immense Gailian Star Crusher.
MIKE: Star Crusher, Star Destroyer, Death Star, Sun Crusher.. I'm sensing a theme here..
> Leyta ran up behind him she gasped. "He followed me!"
CROW: You you you! Everything's about you!
> A very handsome man stepped out on to the platform. He wore red Gailian robes. His
>ebony hair fell in cascades down shoulders.
TOM: (Singing) Tap the Rockies dandruff light!
> Leia, Han and many trainees ran to see what had
>happened. Luke started to walk up to the man.
> But Leyta ran up before him and yelled "Serio! I told you not to follow me!"
CROW: (Leyta) And did you have to bring Al Jaffee with you?
> Her face was filled with anger and disgust as she talk to the man.
> Leyta's droid, Sixea ran up to Serio, she yelled "Prince Serio, how glad I am to see
>you here. We are being followed!"
MIKE: Well I can see tha- WHAT?
> Leyta's friend, the Wookiee Marianna just gave Serio a dirty look. She growled.
CROW: In wookie she was saying "Nice day today, do you want to go to the park and spend this
pleasant day with a picnic?"
> Luke approached Serio, he said "I'm Luke Skywalker, I run this academy, what are you
>doing here?"
> Serio laughed and pushed Luke out of the way He walked up to Leyta and pushed her.
TOM: Boy, he's very Pushy. Get it? Pushy.. Never mind.
> "So I'm not good enough for you, but this twerp is? I guess he must have some incredible,
>wonderful and special Jedi tricks to make you want him more that me."
> Leyta pushed the Gailian Prince away from her. She said, her venomous tone to the man
>did not cease
MIKE: Neither did the venomous tone of this whole fan fic..
> "Leave Luke out of this, why are you here?"
> Prince Serio took Leyta's hands, he said "I'm not going to leave my fiancee with
>these people."
CROW: Yet another stupid and unnecessary plot twist..
> With a venomous tone towards Luke and the others. Leyta pulled her hands out of Serio's
>grasp.
> She yelled "I am engaged to Luke, not you."
> at the same time Luke said "This guy is your fiancee?"
TOM: Luke maybe a Jedi master, but he's as thick as a brick..
> Prince Serio put his arm around Leyta, she wriggled free of his grasp, she stood between
>Luke and Prince Serio.
> Luke said "What is going on Leyta?"
> Leyta flustered "Luke I need to talk to you."
> Luke started to walk away with Leyta, Serio tried to follow, but Leyta turned.
> "Alone."
CROW: In the Dark 18 this is the last one, we swear.
>
>
> "Who is this guy Leyta?"Luke asked Leyta.
MIKE: Boy, Luke is stupid, Leyta's not a guy..
> His eyes were filled with hurt. She could sense what he was feeling.
> "Luke, I lived on Gailia for a while. When Prince Serio's father died he needed a wife
>to bear his children."
TOM: So the dead guy needed a wife?
> Luke finished what Leyta was saying "On Gailia the Prince can choose any woman he wants
>as long as she lives on Gailia. And he chose you, right."
> "Right Luke, except since I was already betrothed to you...."
CROW: (Leyta) I immediately married him, had eight kids, divorced him and took half his stuff..
> ".....his wedding plans cold not take place if we got married."
> It was just like old times when Luke would finish Leyta's sentences for her.
MIKE: In fact he wouldn't let her complete a sentence at all..
> "Yes that's right,but...."
> "You're afraid of him, aren't you Leyta?"
> Leyta tried to hide her fear from Luke with a mask of bravery.
CROW: He's not Braveheart, he's more like Bravespleen.
> But it did not work. Luke infolded Leyta in his arms.
TOM: Leyta's foldable so she stacks better.
> She said, in a small voice "He's going to try and kill me, I can feel it."
MIKE: (Leyta) Speaking of feel, get your hand from there Luke.
> But Luke didn't hear her. And Leyta was glad about that.
>
> "Prince Serio, I'm so glad you're here! Sixea! Serio is the enemy!" Leyta yelled at the
>silver droid "You know for a protocol droid you don't know a lot about protocol!"
CROW: What exactly does sixea stand for? SEA?
> The droid covered her head with her metallic arms, she said "Mistress Leyta! I think you
>are becoming delusional! Are you so in love with Master Skywalker that you would make Prince
>Serio look like a member of the New Empire!"
TOM: New Empire? I think I'm going to be sick..
> The Wookiee next to Sixea growled at the droid to make her stop yelling at her best
>friend.
MIKE: I think it would be alot easier for every Star Wars writer to just translate Wookie.
> Leyta shook her head "I don't know you two, maybe I am doing this just because I want
>Luke. But I'm sure it's more than that. Serio is dangerous, and I'm going to tell Luke about
>it."
CROW: (Leyta) I'm going to tell him on Luke..
> Sixea jumped up in alarm "Mistress Leyta! I've known you for your whole life! You are
>independent! You don't need Master Skywalker's help!"
TOM: Cause she's southern and she's sassy.
> Leyta shook her head, in dismay
> "I know I don't need Luke's help, but I want it. I've been alone for too long. It's
>time I get realistic.
MIKE: We can only hope the story follows her example.
> Luke is the only guy I've ever loved, if I don't end up with him I'll
>be miserable forever. And I'm not getting any younger, I want to have a family. But only if
>it's with Luke. We already had a good start."
TOM: *Had* being the key word there..
> Leyta stood up straight. She clipped her lightsaber on her belt and looked at her two
>best friends. As if it was the last time she would see them.
> "I have to see Luke, I'm going to tell him everything. But if..........."
CROW: It's.
MIKE: What?
CROW: Just wanted to squeeze a Python reference in, for no bloody reason.
> Leyta trailed off, she didn't want to finish, she left the ship. Sixea look at Marianna
>and shook her head
> "Sometimes I just can't help but worry about that girl."
MIKE: Boy, droids are suddenly supporting characters from southern women movies.
>
>
> Serio sat in the dark. He sipped his spiced Gailia brandy. He liked the dark. It was not
>as emotional as the light (The Light Side of the Force).
CROW: Well, if you can't write subtly, do it bluntly.
> It gave him freedom (The freedom to
>be a killer, Night's silent stalker). Serio sat there. A group of New Imperial Stormtroopers
>around him.
TOM: The communists were just a red herring.
> They were waiting for just the right time to attack Luke Skywalker's academy (and
>Luke Skywalker himself). Serio waited for information from General Carolyn Millimen. She would
>tell him when to strike.
CROW: Jackie Chan's First strike.
> After he had Leyta. Leyta was the target. Serio's orders was to
>impregnate Leyta so she would have a child
MIKE: All of a sudden this has turned into a late night HBO movie!
> (A Jedi child, a spoon bending child). It was true,
>Serio hadn't bed Leyta yet (he wasn't sure anybody had bed Leyta yet). There was a rumour.
>That Leyta had been pregnant with Luke Skywalker's child when she was sixteen,
TOM: Ben smash!
> but nobody had
>ever proven it. The child could be somewhere unknown, or Leyta could have miscarried. Or maybe
>it was false. Maybe both Leyta and Luke were virgins.
CROW: Don't tell us either way you sicko!
> It's not that Serio cared. As long as
>he completed the job now. So that Carolyn Millimen would not have his position (or his life).
>
> Luke stood in fighting stance, his lightsaber was ignited and sweat poured down his
>face.
MIKE: Not the prettiest picture.
> A small remote was in front of him, a small blast shot out from the remote, Luke
>deflected it. He was so confused.
TOM: The appeal of Chris Farely.
> The door opened and Leia walked in, Luke deactivated his
>lightsaber
> "Leia, I'm glad you're here. This makes no sense, this Serio guy can't be trusted, he
>wants to marry my fiancee, plus he wants to hurt Leyta, I can feel it."
CROW: Feel feel feel! If you guys feel stuff and it comes to be true, act on it before it
happens!
> Leia said
> "Calm down, Luke. You're talking so fast I can hardly understand you."
MIKE: He's talking at Lint Speed!
> Leia then thought a minute and added
> "You called her you're fiancee, are you going to marry her?"
TOM: (Luke) No, I'm going to throw her in a chipper shredder what the hell do you think?
> Luke dug in his pocket, he pulled out a small gold ring, with what looked like a small
>crystal on it. He held it between his thumb and fore finger. He then said something that
>shocked Leia
> "I want you to marry Leyta and I tonight."
CROW: (Leia) Kinky, but okay, what about Han?
> Leia gasped
> "Married, tonight? Why Luke?"
TOM: (Luke) Because tomorrow is another day.
> Luke looked at his sister
> "You're the Head of State, you can marry us, in private. Please, Leia, we can't tell
>anybody, not even Han. Prince Serio wants to marry Leyta, if I marry her first, then she'll
>be safe."
MIKE: Oh, yeah, marriage means she'll never be unfaithful.. tell that to the army!
> Leia thought Luke just might be crazy for a second. She then said
> "Luke, I know you. You would not just marry somebody to keep them safe. Plus, Leyta is
>a Jedi, she can keep herself safe. You must have another reason?"
CROW: (Luke) I plan on feeding off her bodily fluids..
> Luke gave Leia a weak smile. He had to make her understand. He said
> "Leia, I've loved her for years. All the girls I've said I've loved, I mean really loved.
>I couldn't have. You, Callista, Gaeriel, Teneniel Djo, I fell in love with you guys because
>I knew that it would never work.
TOM: Wow! Leyta scared Luke for life!
> Because Leyta is my one, true love. She used to be everything
>to me. And she is still."
> Leia hugged her brother, Leyta would make him happy. She was sure.
> "Luke, if Leyta will marry you, I'll do it. I'll marry you two."
MIKE: (Announcer) Will Serio take Leyta? Will Leia, Luke, and Leyta get married together? And
what about Han? What about Threepio? Same bat station, same bat time..
> Luke kissed his sister's cheek
> "Thank you Leia."
> Leia left, without saying another word.
>
>
> Soon after Leia left Leyta walked in, Luke let out a deep breath. Leyta looked stunning.
CROW: Of course she did.. She's a writer's fantasy.
>She wore the same black dress she had worn this afternoon. Her brown hair hung off her left
>shoulder.
TOM: Clare's hairstyle at the time, presumably.
> Her lightsaber hung at her side. The light illuminated her beauty even more
> "Luke, what are you staring at?"
MIKE: (Leyta) Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
> she asked him. Luke replied
> "You."
> Leyta's look did not change
> "Luke, please don't. There is something important I have to tell you about."
CROW: I have a bad feeling about this, as if a thousand readers cried out in pain.
> Luke looked at Leyta, her brown eyes were filled with so much emotion, the same haunted
>look in her eyes plagued himself. The price of being a Jedi, he thought.
MIKE:(British) Thought he? Oh, a nudge is as good as a wink to a blind man eh?
> But then, Luke knew
>something else was bothering Leyta. And it had nothing to do with him. He asked
> "What is it Leyta?"
> "It's Serio, there is something I haven't told you about him.He's a member of the New
>Empire"
TOM: (Leyta) And also a Elk, a Mason, the president of the gay and lesbian committee, and a
stone cutter.
> Luke looked puzzled,
> "What is the New Empire?"
CROW: (Leyta) The stupidest plot development in Star Wars history.
> Leyta bit her lip. She said
> "The New Empire is what is left of the Galactic Empire, Serio is part of it. I can feel
>it.
MIKE: (Leyta) Your hand is on my butt, I can feel it.
> I've been fighting against the New Empire for a long time. It was Serio's orders to marry
>and kill me."
> Luke didn't understand. Marry, then kill. Almost like a black widow spider
TOM: Which he shouldn't know about.. Galaxy far far away? Long time ago? Ring a bell Clare?
> "Why would he marry you if he was just going to kill you?"
> Leyta didn't want to tell Luke, but he had to know
> "He wants me to have a child before he kills me. A Jedi Child that he and the New Empire
>can use against the New Republic."
CROW: Of course... They couldn't just use their military?
> Leyta could feel Luke's anger rise, just a little bit, he tried to hide it. Even the
>greatest Jedi did not have control over their emotions all the time, she though. Luke
>whispered to Leyta
> "But Serio can't hurt you if you marry someone else."
TOM: He's as thick as lead..
> Leyta shook her head
> "But there is nobody I can ........"
TOM: She's even thicker.
> Leyta stopped as Luke slipped the ring on her finger. Luke got on one knee
> "Leyta Kenobi, will you marry me?"
> Leyta was stunned, then she smiled
> "I already told you I would."
MIKE: (Leyta) But I've changed my mind, go to hell scarecrow boy.
> Luke wrapped his arms around Leyta, he would never let her go again.
> Luke and Leyta stood in front of Leia, Leia said
CROW: Leia can appear out of nowhere! She's mother mushroom!
> "I'm sorry if I mess this up, I've haven't done it before. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker,
>son of Anakin Skywalker, do you take Leyta Kenobi to be your wedded wife in sickness and in
>health in the bonds of love and the force for as long as you shall live?"
TOM: (Luke) Sickness? That was part of it?
> Luke smiled at Leia and then at Leyta
> "I do."
> Leia continued
> "Jedi Mistress Leyta Kenobi, daughter of Eric Kenobi and Alana Blake Kenobi,
MIKE: Eric Kenobi? (Minnesotan) Oh, yeah Eric Kenobi, is he one of the Brainard Kenobis?
> do you take
>Luke Skywalker to be your wedded husband in sickness and in health in the the bonds of love
>and the force for as long as you shall live?"
> Leyta look far away, as if something was watching her
> "I do."
TOM: Big surprise.
> Luke just kept smiling even after Leia said
> "In the name of the New Republic and the Planet of Yavin Four I now pronounce you husband
>and wife."
CROW: Apparently, the planets are part of the arrangement.
> Leyta cracked a grin, she whispered to her new husband
> "Aren't you going to kiss me,Luke?"
> He snapped back into reality
> "Oh yeah!"
MIKE: Don't watch this guys (covers their eyes)
CROW: Wait, didn't we see that speeder scene earlier?
MIKE: You have a point. (takes his hands away)
> He grabbed his new wife and gave her a long, deep, passionate kiss. She was now his.
>Now and forever.
>
>
> "Luke, I don't understand, why won't you and Leyta tell anybody about your marriage?
>You won't even tell Han."
> Leia asked her brother. Luke held Leyta's hand. He said
> "Leia, with Serio here we can't take any chances. If he finds out....."
TOM: He'd what? Try and kill you? Like he's going to anyway?
> Luke didn't finish, he didn't have to, Leia and Leyta both understood.
CROW: Hello? Readers? Let us in occasionally.
> Leia kissed her
>brother on the cheek and gave Leyta a friendly hug
> "If you decide to tell Han tell me. Okay?"
MIKE: (Leia) Well I can- WHAT?
> Leia left Luke quarters.
TOM: Luke Skywalker collectors coins..
> When she was gone Luke embraced Leyta. Leyta did not resist
>Luke, his touch felt nice, very protective of her. She knew that with Luke she would be safe.
CROW: Just keep telling your self that..
>Luke may be a great Jedi knight now, Leyta thought But he'll always be the farm boy I fell
>in love with. Leyta smiled at Luke "I love you."
> Luke then replied "I love you too."
> As Luke kissed Leyta she knew she would always be safe.
MIKE: Boy she's delusional..
>
>
> Leyta woke up to the howling of a Wookiee,
TOM: (Leyta) How drunk was I last night?
> she thought that Chewie was fighting with
>Han. She heard the Wookiee again. She understood what the Wookiee was saying now. It was Mari.
>She was yelling for Leyta. Then Leyta realised what was wrong. Marianna didn't know where
>Leyta was.
CROW: Gripping person finding action.
> Marianna had sworn to keep Leyta safe after she had saved the Wookiee from
>drowning. Leyta heard Sixea yell
> "Marianna this will not bring Mistress Leyta back!"
MIKE: Um.. yes, it might..
> Then she heard Serio yell
> "You stupid tin can! Get that hairball to shut up!"
TOM: Uh oh, he's talking to hairballs... Everybody's insane in this story..
> Leyta got up quickly, Luke was gone, she got dress and ran outside. She notices Leia
>and Han trying to assure the grey Wookiee that Leyta was around. Leyta yelled
> "Marianna! I'm right here. I told you not worry about me."
CROW: That crazy wookie, hy'uk.
> Serio ran up to Leyta, he roughly grabbed her arm, Han tried to stop him, Leyta was
>hurt, as Serio's grab made her arm turn a deep crimson colour.
MIKE: Oh, yeah, Clare's a Canadian eh? She's a hoser.
> Serio yelled
> "Where were you Leyta? I was looking all over for you."
TOM: Why don't you ask people?
> Leyta tried to look him straight in the face
> "I shouldn't think I need to tell you where I go all the time?"
CROW: Leyta needs an accent, I'm thinking Brooklynesqe..
> Serio sneered
> "Well I would think the future Queen of the Gailian throne should tell her husband
>where she is."
> Leyta hissed
MIKE: Leyta's a cat-like creature.
CROW: She'd still be better than Michele Phiffer..
> "I'm not going to marry you. You disgusting pig."
CROW: Filthy piiiig.
> Serio picked Leyta up and threw her across the docking bay. Leyta hit the wall, she
>winced from the pain.
TOM: Wow, that's some arm!
> Serio sneered
> "What? Did you spend the night with you Jedi? You disgust me, Leyta. Do you really
>think the Jedi is going to marry you? You have to realise he doesn't love you anymore. I'm
>the only one who would ever consider marrying a spoon bender like you. Not even a pathetic
>farm boy will love you."
MIKE: Wow! This guy hit the nail on the head, not!
> Serio walked closer to Leyta. The smile on his face grew larger and more gruesome.
CROW: He's going to blow!
>Leyta's hand dropped to her side, but her lightsaber was not next to her. Serio got ready to
>hit Leyta again when his fist was met with another. It was Luke.
TOM: Then Luke and Serio punched Leyta in unison!
> Serio looked Luke in the eye
> "So, what are you going to do Jedi? Maybe you do still care about Leyta. But that
>doesn't make any difference. You can't love a dead woman."
MIKE: Killing her is pretty counter productive when you want to.. mate with her.
> Serio grabbed on to his blaster. Serio pointed it at Leyta, he said
> "You should be sorry, Leyta. But then, aborting my plan will have to do as your tin
>can,"
CROW: I think Clare is purposely not making sense anymore.
> he gestured towards Sixea
> "Told me what you think of me. And your right. Your were always able to see through me.
TOM: She's transparent!
>It doesn't matter now, as long as I finish you off."
MIKE: I will destroy you Speed Racer! Ha ha, ha ha ha haha. Ha ha haha ha ha haha ha!
> Luke's anger swelled, he tried to stop it. But it didn't work. The usually calm, passive
>Jedi raised his fist and swung at the Prince. Serio was flung across the docking bay.
CROW: This is just like Power Rangers! When do they call for their robots?
> He
>dropped his blaster. Luke walked up to Serio
> "If you ever try to come near Leyta again I swear I will kill you."
TOM: Wow, Luke's actually acting like a real person..
> Serio wiped some blood off his lip
> "Okay, Skywalker, you can have her. Alive, for now. But not before you meet my friends."
CROW: (Serio) Luke, I'd like you to meet Harvey...
> Serio snapped his fingers and Luke and the others met his "friends"
MIKE: Courtney Cox no!
> from Serio's Star
>Crusher hundreds of stormtroopers ran out. Leia yelled
> "We got to get out of here!"
> Luke got Leyta off the ground and they all ran. Leyta yelled
> "It's because of me. Serio would not be after your academy if I wasn't here."
TOM: (Luke) You you you, everythings about you!
> Han yelled back
> "This is no time to blame yourself, Girl!"
CROW: (Leia) You go girlfriend!
> Leyta said
> "I know Serio's orders, he'll ransack the academy, he'll kill all of the students."
MIKE: I don't think stormtroopers could kill flies, even if they tried.
> Luke replied
> "I've got emergency transports to Coruscant. I can get the students to Coruscant safely,
>we can get everyone out of here safe."
TOM: (Luke) Well, I'm glad that's over..
>
>
> Once the students had been rounded up,
MIKE: They were herded out to the pasture and branded.
> with several casualties, all stormtroopers killed
CROW: Wow! They finished them off fast.
>by Leia and Han's accurate blasts. Luke rushed to get Leyta to the Falcon, their usual saviour.
>Leyta yelled, over top of blasts
> "What about the Phoenix?"
TOM: (Leyta) Oh, y'know, it will rise from it's ashes..
> Then she heard Jaina yell
> "Jacen and I got it Mistress Kenobi!"
MIKE: Those wacky kids!
> The group quickly got on the Falcon and went into hyperdrive. It would at least take a
>while for Serio to collect his stormtroopers. Han cocked his head as he flew the Falcon into
>Hyperdrive
> "Where did Jaina and Jacen learn to fly a ship?"
CROW: They went to Horrible Writing Flight Academy.
>
>
>
> "That was a close call Master Luke!"
TOM: No, not really.
> said Threepio to his master. Han and Chewbacca worked to get out of Hyperdrive now that
>they had gotten away from the Gailian Star Crusher. Luke helped Leyta with her bruises and
>cuts from Serio.
MIKE: He had even put a tattoo of Groo on her..
> Luke could that it had not been the first time Serio had done this, little
>bruises stood out on her pale skin. Luke felt like hitting himself, for not noticing the
>bruises before. Leyta said
> "I feel like such a pathetic Jedi. I can't even hold off ."
CROW: He must have short term memory problems, you not only held him off, you kicked his arse!
> Luke looked Leyta in the eye
> "When I said I would kill Serio if he ever tried to hurt you again I meant it. I love
>you Leyta, I don't want you to get hurt."
> Leyta looked uncomfortable
> "Luke, maybe you don't want to say that."
TOM: (Leyta) Maybe you really meant to say 'slap her around'
> If on cue the ship jolted, Han yelled
> "I know I lost that Gailian Star Crusher!"
MIKE: Incoming cliché in 5.. 4..
> He looked at Leia and added
> "This is not my fault!"
MIKE: Boom! There we go!
> Leyta and Luke ran into cockpit
> "I know, it's my fault!"
TOM: There it is again..
> Leyta said. Han yelled, over the blast sounds
> "Well, now may be a good time to tell us why it's your fault, Girl! Because that isn't a
>Gailian Star Crusher, that's an Imperial Star Destroyer!"
CROW: There's a difference?
> Leyta had to tell them the truth now
> "It seems Serio was not the only one to follow me. That's General Carolyn Millimen's
>ship. I've kind of got something she wants."
MIKE: (Luke) Boy, you've just pissed everybody off haven't you!
> Luke said in a nervous voice
> "Do you mind telling us what that something is!"
> "I kind of stole some plans for a new Sun Crusher from her! She wants to use it to
>destroy the New Republic Palace on Coruscant!
TOM: Is it possible for there to be a Star Wars story without some sort of planetary destroyer?
> But I've got the only copy of the plans."
> Luke yelled at Leyta
> "What do you mean "kind of stole?'"
> Leyta turned to Luke
> "I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to save the butts of every single person in this
>galaxy!"
CROW: (Luke) That's no excuse, you will be executed..
> Luke and Leyta started arguing until Han yelled
> "Shut up the both of you! You sound like an old married couple!"
MIKE: This is finally over...
> Luke and Leyta looked at each other and smiled. Just like a married couple.
>Maybe Han knew more than he thought.
CROW: Yay! It's over!!
5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
CROW: Well, now that that's finally over...
MIKE: I think Clare needs some serious physiological help..
TOM: That's why we want you to pledge money too the support a bad writer foundation.
MIKE: At the support a bad writer foundation, we hire proofreaders for bad writers.
CROW: We help them, by using those proofreaders to humiliate those writers so much, that they
never get it in their feral little minds to ever write again..
TOM: Send all your money to us, courtesy of us.
CROW: What do you think Dr F?
(D13)
DR F: You guys have finally gone off the deep end, with out bad writers, where would I be?
Working at Noah's Bagel more than likely, and you wouldn't want that, would you?
(SOL)
MIKE: Actually we'd love that.
(D13)
DR F: Shut up, just shut up. Until next time...
Insert button ASCII here.
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All characters belong to whomever they belong too.. No harm intended, don't sue me.
> "Wasn't Luke really lucky to have a great girl like you. NO."
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