MiSTing: Who Q? Where Q? [3/8]
Chris Mayfield
[Mike and the bots enter the theatre. Tom is missing his dome.]
Tom: Ok. I'm sorry. Now give me my head back.
[Mike sticks Tom's head on.]
Crow: By the way, I was right.
Mike: Don't even start.
>
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>First Officer's Log
>Lieutenant Commander Jay Gordon recording
>
> I have welcomed the negoitators on board the Enterprise. I
>found them disgusting.
Crow: They had cooties and girl germs.
> Sel Rahc Selaw of Bresa and his aids tried to
>sneak weapons on board. Sel Rahc Ekael of Troac brought an
>archaeological treasure to try to bribe the Captain.
Tom: Wow! A chunk of dirt! Just what I always wanted!
> And finally Sel
>Rahc Akros of Sobnia came aboard equiped to seduce the Captain.
Tom: Fortunately, through Q's interference, the world was saved from a
Stephen Ratliff love scene.
Mike: [shudders]
> All of these have or will fail as soon as they see Captain
>Picard. The weapons were picked out during transport by Chief of
>Security, Patterson Supra and Assistant Chief Engineer Shayna Sachs.
Crow: Shayna Sachs: high-tech pickpocket.
>The remaining plots will be foiled by the nature of
Crow: This lame fanfic.
Mike: Get yer fancy, new-fangled plots outta this here fanfic!
> the Captain Picard
>they are dealing with. I'd give almost anything to see the looks on
>those ambassador's faces when they find out that the Captain Picard
>that will be medaiting their dispute is not Jean-Luc Picard, a man in
>his fifties, but Marrissa Picard, his 12 1/2 year-old adopted
>daughter-- but I have to be on the bridge.
Crow: Thank you Ensign Compound.
> I am not hopeful as to our sucessfully completing this mission.
>The deck seems to be stacked against us.
Mike: What? Are they on a raked stage?
Tom: Card deck, not floor deck, Mike.
> I'm not sure that the regular
>crew could pull this off, let alone a ship load of kids, but then again
>we have been in more impossible situations then this.
Crow: Impossible? Maybe. Implausible? No.
>
> The sounds of arguing were already coming from the conferance
>room when Marrissa entered.
Crow: Stuffing!
Tom: Potatoes!
Mike: Wild rice!
Bots: Huh?
> The Bres negotator was asserting his
>position with a quiet drone. Ignoring that, the Troac negotiator was
>bellowing his position at the top of his lungs.
Tom: QUEEN'S KNIGHT 3, DO YOU HEAR ME! QUEEN'S KNIGHT 3!!!
> The Sobnian mediator
>was trying to 'charm' her way into an agreement with soft coo-ing
>tones.
> "Good Moring, everyone," Marrissa said. "Sorry I'm late."
> "WHO ARE YOU?"
Mike: [singing] TWO-FOUR-SIX-OH-ONE!
> bellowed the chubby Troac negotiator, Sel Rahc
>Ekael.
> "Wheren't you the pianist at last nights concert?" Sel Rahc
>Selaw said.
Tom: Your form stank and you took the third movement far too slowly.
> "Yes I was," Marrissa replied. "I am also Captain of this
>vessel, Captain Marrissa Amber Picard at your service."]
Crow: I'll be your captain tonight. Today's special is the chicken con
pollo and the soup is mushroom broccoli.
> The tall negotiator from Bresa got up and walked toward the
>door.
Mike: Uh, where's the little ambassador's room?
> Sel Rahc Ekael blew up and said, "GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M NOT LETTING
>A LITTLE GIRL MEDIATE THIS DISPUTE AS LONG AS I AM A NEGOTIATOR."
All: [applauding] Yeah!! Bravo!! Wonderful!!
> Marrissa said softly, "No one walks out of this room without my
>permission."
> "You can't stop me," Selaw said turning.
Tom: [Marrissa] Security, get the nipple clamps.
Mike: [winces] Oooh!
> "Don't be so sure," Marrisssa said as Selaw turned to rush out
>the door. He hit the door which refused to open.
Mike: [whining] Stupid old door. I hate you! I hate you!
> "I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME CHILD ORDER ME AROUND," Sel Rahc
>Ekael said.
Crow: I believe Ratliff has finally written a likable character.
> "I agree, at least the other mediators had the sense to treat
>us with respect," Sel Rahc Selaw said, approaching Marrissa.
> "Perhaps to much," Marrissa commented,
Tom: Our comments are funnier.
> "but as for respect from
>me -- you will find that you get as much respect as you show for me and
>you fellow negotiators. At that you haven't shown much yet."
> "RESPECT A HUMAN CHILD," Ekael sneared. "WHO HASN'T FOUGHT IN
>ANY BATTLES OR VANQUISHED ENEMIES. NEVER!"
Mike: Here's the setup...
> "Don't be so sure," Marrissa said, calmly. "I've commanded
>starships against Cardassians and Romulans.
Mike: And it's a hit!
> I was in command of the
>Maine when she destoryed the Romulan Warbirds at Vulcan and Neptune. I
>commanded the Enterprise saucer at the Battle of Bajor.
Crow: Available at a fine FTP site near you.
> Before you
>make another accusation do a little research. It saves you some
>embarisment."
Tom: I suggest you get a spell checker. It saves you some embarrassment.
> The wind was taken out of Ekael's sails but not Selaw's.
> "That Troacain slob may allow you to mediate this dispute but I
>will not," Sel Rahc Selaw said, throwing a punch.
All: YES!!!!!
Crow: I can't express how immensely satisfying this is.
> She side stepped it.
>A second punch impacted her left shoulder sending a flash of pain
>accross her face.
All: HURT HER! HURT HER! HURT HER!
Mike: Is this wrong?
Crow: [without a second thought] No.
> Marrissa replied with a quick kick to Selaw's
>ankles. A muffled crack was heard a Selaw fell to the floor.
Mike: [bone crunching noises]
Tom: My spine!!
> "Now if you would return to your seat we can get on with the
>negotiations," Marrissa said rubbing her shoulder.
Tom: Good thinking, Marrissa. Jiggle it about.
> "But my legs hurt," Selaw whined. "I need medical attention."
Crow: [Shatner] A diplomat is down--on Star Trek 911.
Mike: Uh-oh, his legs are broken. They'll have to shoot him now.
> "So does my shoulder," Marrissa replied, "But you should have
>thought about that before you attacked me."
Crow: I'm sure denying them medical attention will really help win them
to your side.
> Selaw crawled back to his seat and into it. "Why are you
>smiling?" he asked Sel Rahc Akros of Sobnia.
Tom: [Sel Rahc Akros] I get turned on by that kind of thing.
> "Because all of our plans have been neatly squashed by this
>young girl," Akros replied. "I planned to seduce the Captain, Ekael
>bribe, and you bully.
Mike: Now we'll have to kill her.
> I won't seduce a young girl and I doubt Ekael's
>archaeological treasure will get him far.
Tom: Not past second base, anyway.
> As for bullying, you've
>already failed once."
> Selaw grumbled and moaned.
Crow: Ohh, the pain...the pain...
> "Now perhaps we can get down to business," Marrissa said.
>"We'll begin with your statements
Tom: Proceed to questions, and end with exclamations.
> of what you want and don't want from
>these negotiations. The order will be alphabetical by planet name.
Crow: [Marrissa] Will the ambassador from Zzzyndor please stop whining?
>Bresa."
> "My planet simply wants Sobnia as part of a Greater Bresa,"
Tom: Resistance is futile. Sobnia will be assimilated.
>Sel Rahc Selaw moaned. "As for want we don't want, that is simplicity
>itself.
Mike: How very Zen of you.
> We want no one else controling Sobnia."
> "UNEXCEPTABLE," Ekael yelled standing up.
> "Sit down, be quiet
All: [singing] Sit down, John! Sit down, John! For God sakes, John, sit
down!
> and have some respect from your neighbors,"
>Marrissa said. "If you are done Selaw we can go one to Sel Rahc Akros
>statement of Sobnia's position." Selaw indicated he was done with a
>nodd.
Tom: And a winkin and a blinkin.
> "Sobnia wishes complete independence," Sel Rahc Akros said.
>"We do not want anyone else controling any part of Sobnia."
> "Troac," Marrissa prompted after a moment's silence.
> "TROAC WANTS A COMPLETE BRES WITHDRAWAL FROM SOBNIA," Sel Rahc
>Ekael said.
Crow: Whoa! Dude! Ease up on the caps lock!
> "FURTHERMORE WE WISH TO CONTROL IT AND NO ONE ELSE."
All: SHUT UP!!
> "Do to the fact not one of your positions even remotely match
>and the fact it is nearing lunch time," Marrissa said,
Tom: Lunch is more important to Marrissa than a lasting peace.
> "we will break
>for lunch. This afternoon at 1400 hours we will each propose how we
>would go about peacefully achiving your objectives.
Crow: Uh...by not killing each other?
> We will continue
>in that fashion until a solution which all of you can agree on is
>found. Even if it takes until my hair turns gray."
Mike: Even if it takes Ratliff a thousand pages.
Tom: I hope not...
> Marrissa exited
>the conference room, leaving the Sel Rahcs amazed at her determination
>and Selaw moaning in pain.
Tom: Then he started coughing up blood.
>
> Marrissa entered Sickbay with a tight expression of pain on her
>face. "Doctor Johnson," she called.
Mike: [Marrissa] Break out the morphine.
> "What can I do for you?" he asked turning and picking up his
>tricorder.
Crow: [Marrissa] The contractions are two minutes apart!
> "I think my shoulder is shattered," Marrissa moaned.
> "Sit up here and I'll have a little look," Doctor Johnson said
>he ran the tricorder over the shoulder.
Mike: Mario says you're doing fine--oh wait. That's my Game Boy.
> "It's just a hairline
>fracture. How did you come by this injury?" A nurse handed him a
>piece of equipment and proceded to run it back and forth over her
>shoulder.
Tom: [Johnson] It's just a prop, but act as if it's really working.
Mike: Ratliff has captured the true essence of Star Trek; that pure
mediocrity that only comes to the divinely inept.
> "I started the Naklab Negotiation today," Marrissa replied.
>"Sel Rahc Selaw decided that he'd rather I visit Sickbay.
Crow: I'd prefer the morgue.
> He threw a
>couple punches and I sent him to the floor. He crawled back to his
>seat and we continued."
> At that moment Sel Rahc Selaw entered suported by his two aids.
Mike: We're not _aids,_ were _paraprofessionals!_
>"Doctor fix my legs," He moaned. "NOW!"
> "As soon as I am finished withe the Captain," Doctor Johnson
>said, "I'll be glad to treat you all. Nurse get him on a bed."
All: Helloooooooo Nurse!
> "Now, Doctor," Selaw moaned loudly as he was laid
Crow: [moaning] Oh doctor, ohhh, ohhh, doctor...
Mike: Stop that.
> up on the
>bed.
> "Yelling ain't gonna speed me up one bit," Jackson Johnson
>said.
Tom: [Johnson] Doan y'all mind my spontanee-us aquisishun of an accent.
> "Done Captain, be sure to eat a large dinner with lots of fruit
>tonight."
Mike: Yeah, _that's_ what cures a shattered collarbone.
> "Thanks Doctor," Marrissa said. "Inform me if the Sel Rahc
>will not be able to attend the afternoon session so I can cancel it."
>
>Captain's Log Supplemental
> The afternoon session of mediation has been canceled due to Sel
>Rahc Selaw's
Crow: Death.
Mike: [Marrissa] Hmm. Maybe I should have let him get medical attention
earlier. Nah...
> medical treatment.
> In other news, four Miranda class starships have been found
>adrift and crewless. The Hood has been sent to retrieve them.
Tom: Da Hood's in da hood!
> The
>cause of the disappearance is unknown. Captain De Soto of the Hood
>believes that at least the Hemingway's crew are the guests of Q.
Mike: Guests of Q stay at the Sheraton Hotel.
>Starfleet has put all its vessels in the sector on yellow alert until
>the cause is known.
>
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>
> The sun dawned on the castle tower. Captain Jean-Luc Picard
>was standing at a window looking over the town.
Crow: [Picard] Hmm, I wonder if I could hock a luger on Riker from up
here.
> Directly below him was
>the newer of the two castles in the town. Toward his right stood Saint
>Peter's, North Bridge, Saint Paul's, and the older castle.
Mike: And the Great Gate of Kiev.
> In front of
>him some distance away stood South Gate and the Harbor and its keep.
>To his left stood West Bridge. Breakfast smoke
Tom: Want a tasty breakfast that's low in tar? Try new Breakfast Smokes!
> rose from inns near
>South Gate, North Bridge, West Bridge, and in the middle of the town
>near the Market.
> Suddenly a flare shot up in the west from a ship down river...
Mike: Ah! Ah! It's the Jolly Roger!
Tom: No, no, no Mike! That's all over. This is Ratliff now.
Mike: [uncertain] Are you sure?
>The enemy had been sighted. The sails of the two ships in the Harbor
>rose as the moved to join it.
>
> From up on top of one of the Tian Nan Men's masts, the lookout
Tom: Why don't they lookout?
>shouted down to Captain Yoshida, "Five three-masters flying the Romulan
>Warbird on white."
Crow: Or was that three five-masters? Or maybe it was seven two-masters.
Then again...
> "Run up the signal flags for the town, Ensign," Captain Yoshida
>said. "Five Romulans-s." The enemy ship's closed.
Mike: Business hours: 8:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.
> "Helm hard to
>port. Run out the guns and prepare to fire."
> "Captain Washington is doing the same but towards the
>starboard," Commander Earnheart reported.
Tom: [Earnheart] Captain Washington is complaining about having to
quarter her troops at Bunker Hill for the winter.
> "Two points to starboard," Yoshida ordered. "This is not going
>to be easy." The Romulan ships came closer. "Ready Archers-s."
>Archers lined the starboard deck.
Mike: Like so much cannon fodder.
> Still closer, cannons boomed, they
>fell short. "Light arrows." Closer still. "Fire arrows and starboard
>cannons-s."
Tom: [Yoshida] And get me a mouthful of pebbles-s.
> Fire spat out of the side of the Tian Nan Men. Seconds later
>the Miranda followed suit.
Crow: Three no-trump.
> Two of the Romulan ships faltered as cannon
>balls impacted their
Tom: Molars.
> sides. Then the other ships faltered as thier
>crews noticed flames on their sails and sides.
Crow: Hmm. I'm on fire. [pause] AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
> "Reload and fire at will," Yoshida ordered. "We can do
>better."
Mike: Actually, sir, we can't.
> Cannon balls once again left the Tian Nan Men's sides. The
>lead enemy ship
Tom: How's it float if it's lead?
> was hit and began leaning to port. The masts on the
>ship closest to the northern bank of the river's masts were blown off.
> Three ships continued to close.
Mike: But two were held over for return engagements.
> "Forty degrees to starboard,"
>Captain Yosida ordered. "Hold all fire
Crow: Ooh! Ouch! Hot! Burny! Oh! Stingy! Ow!
> and reload all cannons." An
>enemy ship drew allong side the Tian Nan Men. "Fire all portside
>cannons, archers fire at will."
> The cannon balls flew out. Three of them took the masts right
>off.
Tom: Mighty precision shooting there.
> Five holed the ship below the waterline. The ship sank like a
>rock.
Crow: Being lead and all.
> However another ship fired at the Tian Nan Men from behind. A
>ship had gotten by the Tian Nan Men and the Miranda and taken a parting
>shot.
Mike: Parting shots are such sweet sorrow...
> They made a hole just above the waterline.
> "Captain we are taking on water," an engsign yelled from the
>hold.
Tom: We're feeling really bloated and cramped.
> "Helm set a coarse for the Harbor," Captain Yoshida ordered.
>"Start bailing.
Crow: F. Lee Bailing?
> Lighten the load. Raise sails." He motioned for
>Commander Earnheart to join him.
Mike: Strangely enough, Commander Earnheart had disappeared, though it
was frequently rumored that he was writing for "The Simpsons."
Tom: You do realize that there's an "n" in there, don't you?
Mike: Oh. That kind of blows that joke to hell, doesn't it?
Tom: Yep.
> "Number One, put the six portside
>cannons which didn't fire on bailing duty and when they get back they
>can scrap the baricales off the hull."
> "Message from the Miranda," the lookout shouted from the mast.
Tom: They just happened to have a person on their starship who can
decipher semaphore flags.
>"One got by. Will persue. All systems Normal. Nice Shot."
>
> Lieutenant Commander Data, Master Archer, was up on the wall
>between Old Castle
Mike: And McCormick.
> and Saint Paul's on the north side of town. Below
>him about 16 meters was the Deep Blue River.
Crow: Spanned by Big Bridge which connected with Road St.
> It was 11:06:43 according
>to Data's internal clock. Cook fires were sending plumes of smoke from
>the inns in town. However that was not the only sorce of smoke.
Tom: Riker had been passing around some weed.
> Down
>river about a mile smoke rose from the remains of 4 sailing ships.
Mike: I'm feeling a sudden urge to play Rampart.
> Suddenly Data noticed out of the corner of his eye a out of
>place sail. Data turned to get a better look.
Tom: [Data] I spy, with my little eye...
> It was a three masted
>affair with singed white sails. Data's android vision allowed him to
>pick out the Romulan warbird flag flying from the middle mast.
> Data quickly quickly
Crow: Redundantly redundantly.
> said to a patroling soldier on the wall,
>"Ensign Spenser, inform Commander Riker at the Market Inn
Tom: Oh come on, Ratliff! You can come up with a better name like that!
What about "The One-Eyed Cabin Boy," or "The Drunken Ogre," or...
Mike: "The Vulgar Unicorn?"
Crow: Nah, that's just stupid.
> that his
>forces will be needed at North Bridge in a half in hour. An enemy
>flying the Romulan Warbird has passed the Miranda
Crow: The Warbird has broken a tackle! It's only open field between it
and the goal line!
> and the Tian Nan Men.
>The Brittain and the Hemingway are not in a possition to block there
>progress up the Blue yet. Now go."
Tom: Fly my monkeys! Fly! Fly!
> The soldier ran off. Data turned hid attention to the rivers.
>The Brattain and the Hemingway were nearing the conflunce
Mike: Ooh, so close, Stephen.
Tom: At least he tries.
> of the Green
>and Blue from the Blue. The Hemingway positioned itself to block the
>way up the Green. The Brattain attempted to do the same in the Blue
>but the enemy ship sailed passed before it could do so.
Mike: Was that supposed to be an action sequence?
> The Romulan ship made for the fishersman's wharf on the other
>side of the river, but first the ship had to pass Data.
Crow: [Data] Red rover, red rover, send Romulans right over.
> He drew back
>his bow and took aim. The Man at the tiller slumped over. A second
>arrow shot out. The Lookout fell to the deck. A third. The Captain
>slumped over.
Tom: O Captain! My Captain!
Mike: Looks like he's fallen cold and dead.
> A fourth. Down went an archer. He drew back another
>arrow but the ship was now out of range so he let it back and proceeded
>to North Bridge Gate.
>
> The noon sun beat down hard on Commander Riekr's Black Armour.
>He wished Q had chosen a lighter color bad enuogh that the armour
>weighed a ton,
Mike: Uh, Stephen, a lighter color won't make the armor weigh less.
> but the heat it absorbs makes it unbearable.
> Commander Riker arrived at North Bridge Gate on his black
>horse.
Crow: [Riker] A horse! A horse! My kingdom for--oh. Nevermind.
> "What's going on Data?" he asked.
> "The Romulans have unloaded eighty men from their ship at the
>old fisherman's wharf," Data said. "Barclay has hidden two dozen men
Tom: And he won't tell us where. It's really frustrating.
>in the woods behind the cottage."
> "Your idea?"
> "Yes, Commander," Data said. I estimate a thrid of them will
>parish
Mike: This guy named Luther has got them setting up their own church
counties.
> in the first assult before a retreat is ordered. Then you can
>come out and pin the remaining romulans
Crow: On the donkey.
> between yourself and Barclay."
> "Then we better get ready."
>
> The Romulans charged over the bridge. toward the gate at its
>far end.
Tom: In little fragments.
> A battering ram lead the way. Data's archers felled a dozen
>men and tookout all of the battering ram bearers on one side causing it
>to roll off the bridge.
Crow: But it completely missed the coda.
> When all the men were on the bridge, Data put down his bow
Tom: And beat it into a plowshare.
> and
>picked up a rope attached to the tops of the bridge supporting towers.
Mike: The Two Towers?
Tom: Barchester Towers?
Crow: Fawlty Towers?
>The ropw ran to the farside of pots mounted on pivots over fires. Data
>pulled on the rope. Hot oil poured down on the romulans below.
Mike: We're treating their hair whether they like it or not!
> Mass
>confusion reined on the bridge.
Tom: In fact, it poured.
Mike and Crow: Booo!
> Romulans jumped off the bridge into
>the deep Blue River to cool off, only to discover that swimming in
>armour is not advisable.
Crow: Yes, the Romulans are _that_ stupid.
> Commander Riker formed up this troops, two dozen mounted
>knights and fifty foot soldiers. "Open the gates," came Commander
>Riker's call.
Mike: "No," came the gates' reply.
> The gates opened pushing enemy soldiers into the water.
>They joined there downing companions, sinking under the weight of their
>armour. Commander Riker and his troop
Crow: All one of them.
> moved forward accross the
>bridge.
Tom: Wholesale slaughter is fun!
> The Romulans beat a retreat towards their ship. Unfortunately,
>Barclay and his men were waiting. After their numbers decended to two
>and a half dozen they surrendered.
Crow: Who? Barclay's men or the Romulans?
Tom: Oh, like it matters.
> Meanwhile the Miranda had arrived. She stooped alongside the
>Romulan ship and T'Gwen Washington and thirty sailors boarded. The
>resistance was light. In fact it didn't exist.
Mike: The storyline was light. In fact, it didn't exist.
> Being out numbered six
>to one left the Romulans little choice but to jion their breathern in
>the Old Castle dungeons.
>
>
[Continued in part 4]
Chris Mayfield
things mixed up.
Chris (blushing furiously)