MSTed: Sonic the Hedgehog--"Altered Destiny" [ 2 / 4 ]

[Joseph Nebus]

This is, if my server lets it through, a fairly big Mystery Science
Theater 3000 treatment of a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic, "Altered Destiny,"
written by Keith Aksland, a friend of mine who asked me to look over his
story and add lots of cheap jokes and goofy shots at Sonic's expense.
If you take Sonic the Hedgehog very seriously, you should probably skip
my posts. If you don't, please, read on and, hopefully, enjoy. Thank you
very much. Turn off your computer (where applicable).

Joseph Nebus
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ ALL Settle back in ]

>Chapter 3: Realizations

TOM: Clothes left on the floor of the dorm for three months will
*not* suddenly become clean by spraying Right-Guard on them.
JOEL: The snake has ears on its feet.
CROW: "The Jetsons" has a terrifying Orwellian structure lurking
behind its blandly pleasant surface, and George Jetson really
should consider joining a union.
JOEL: Tell me about it.

>
> "Sal, are you sure he went this way?"

TOM: [ As Sally ] "Who? Oh. Oh yeah."

>
> "I don't know, Sonic. This way's just as good as any."

CROW: Yeah, systematic search procedures would probably just find
him efficiently.

>
> "Sssshhh, you two! Listen!" Bookshire waved a hand at
>the other two, and cocked his head.

JOEL: [ As Bookshire ] "I *never* should have invited you to a
surprise party."

>
> "What is it, Bookshire?"
>
> "Listen to that! It sounds like... singing!"

TOM: Could it be? Might Christmas have come down in WhoVille anyway?

>
> And sure enough, it was. As they got closer, they
>could make out words.

CROW: Then they realized it was "The Name Game" song and left,
disgusted.

> It was a sad, haunting melody. They
>paused for a minute to listen.

JOEL: [ As Bookshire ] "What do they exactly mean, 'I'll be there for
you' anyway?"

>
> A question well served,

TOM: With a light, frothy bouillabaisse sauce.

> "Is silence like a fever?
> A voice never heard,

CROW: Huh? What?

> Or a message with no reciever?"
> Pray they won't ask

JOEL: How to use the Chain Rule for derivatives.

> Behind the stained glass,
> There's always one more mask.

TOM: But this is the last one, so make it *extra* special!

>
> Has man been a victim?
> Of his woman? Of his father?
> If he elects not to bother,

CROW: We can all go home now.

> Will he suffocate the faith?
> Desperate to fall

JOEL: Whoops--*trip*--AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

> Behind the great wall
> That separates us all.

TOM: When Area Code growth runs out of control.

>
> When there is reason,
> Tonight I'm awake.
> When there's no answer,

CROW: I go to the kitchen and make a fluffernutter.

> Arrive the Silent Man.
> If there is balance,

TOM: The editorial page will still get complaints from annoying
people.

> Tonight he's awake.
> But if they have to suffer,
> There lies the Silent Man.

JOEL: Let Silent Men lie.

>
> Sin without decievers,
> A god with no believers.

CROW: Bob Costas?

> I could sail by on the winds of Silence,

TOM: No I couldn't. What was I thinking?

> And maybe they won't notice,
> But this time I think
> It'd be better if I swim.

JOEL: Especially considering he's in the water and all.

>
> When there is reason,
> Tonight I'm awake.

CROW: He can't help but wonder if there are more Stallone brothers.

> When there's no answer,
> Arrive the Silent Man.

TOM: Would his arrival be announced?

> If there is balance,
> Tonight he's awake.
> But if they have to suffer,

CROW: They'll be just like everyone else in history.

> There lies the Silent Man,
> There lies the Silent Man.

JOEL: [ As Sally ] "The human's skipping. Go nudge him out."

>
>
> They quietly walked in the direction of his voice, and

TOM: Were surprised to find that he was there, too.

>finally saw him sitting on a rock that was overlooking
>Starlight Pond.

CROW: Why is everything on this planet named after Prom settings?

> As they crept closer, they could see that
>his eyes were closed.

TOM: "Yes, even I'm bored with our pacing."

>A single tear leaked out from behind his eyelid, and he
>bowed his head. Sally felt a wave of pity wash over her.

JOEL: "How could we have come to this, letting humans bow their
heads by the sides of ponds?"

>"He looks so sad," she whispered to Bookshire, "I wonder why
>he's crying?"

CROW: Well, he's been told the life he knew back home would result
in his pointless, meaningless, empty death with no useful
impact on the world at all; he's been transported abruptly
without the chance to even say goodbye to his family and
friends to a bizarre and wholly different world; he's lost
in a strange society surrounded by animal-people of every
species but his own, all of whom hate *him* as a symbol for
the massive world war of which he's just been dropped into
the middle, which has already lead him to be assaulted and
put on trial for his life when he'd not been there more
than three hours. Whatever *could* be bothering him?

>
> "I'm crying because I left my home in order to escape
>the raging hatred that permeated it, and came here to find
>the same damn thing.

TOM: [ As Sally ] Well, you should be proud you were so successful,
then...oh, you mean...never mind...

> It makes me wonder how any sentient
>race can survive when they seem to want to bring all their
>problems down on someone else."

CROW: Ideally, we'd like to blame them all on the Microsoft
corporation.

> Sally started as she heard
>him speak. She didn't think he could hear them.

JOEL: Sally flunked biology all through high school and so never
knew that other species had ears.

> He turned
>around and regarded the three. "I'm glad you came by. I

TOM: ...was in need of more rejection and bitterness.

>was getting kinda starved for company. Please," he patted
>the rock he was sitting on, "come sit with me. There are
>some things we need to discuss."

JOEL: "Have you ever considered term life insurance? Also, is
there a bathroom in this dimension?"

>
> After they had gotten situated, he looked at the water.
>"This is a beautiful place. There was never anything like
>it back home."

CROW: I'm pretty sure they had water back on Earth, Keith.

> Bookshire looked up at him. "Just where
>exactly is your home?

TOM: "I live in a Primestar Network display promotion. It's been
affecting my dreams."

> Is it somewhere in the Great
>Unknown?" Keith turned to look at the aging raccoon, then
>gazed up at the stars.

JOEL: I've seen this anime before, it's a comedy, "Project Mee-ko."

> "Yes, but not the Great Unknown you
>may be thinking of." He swept his arm, indicating the night
>sky. "My home may be spinning around one of those stars out
>there.

CROW: [ As Bookshire ] It's okay to say 'I don't know' around here.

> It makes me feel kinda funny, knowing that I'll
>never see my family again."

JOEL: "Finally the stress and repression has drained out of my life
enough that I can eat normal food."

> He shook his head. "But what
>am I saying? I'm here now, and that's all that matters."
>
> Sally took it upon herself to ask the million-dollar
>question. "Just how did you get here, anyway?"

TOM: You know, some counter-revolutionary organizations would
have asked that of a stranger who appeared in their midst
before accepting him into their society and giving him free
roam of the village.

> Keith bowed
>his head, and took a deep breath. "That, Princess, is a
>long story."

ALL: Tell us about it!
TOM: Ba-dum bum!

> He proceeded to tell them of his world, his
>life in it, and his fateful dream.
>
> "Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it!"

CROW: "Especially that stuff about the tub full of Gold Bond
Medicated Powder, the blue cellophane tape, and Mary Tyler Moore
in a bunny costume!"

>
> "Believe it, Princess. It's the only story I have, and
>it's the only truth."

TOM: You will never need any other truth once you have been exposed
to my massive intellect.
CROW: That's one!
TOM: Don't count them.

>
> Sonic was still confused. "But why'd ya wanna come
>here? I mean, life here's a major drag, with Robuttnik and
>all."

JOEL: And our faltering health-care system.
TOM: Not to mention declining auto safety standards.
CROW: Plus "The Straight Dope," the TV show, got cancelled.

>
> "That may be, Sonic, but at least here I can do
>something with my life, other than just lie down and wait to
>die. Here, at least, I can

JOEL: Be put on trial and executed.

> find purpose in my life. Here,
>I can make a difference.

ALL: [ Begin humming "Let There Be Peace On Earth" ]

> There, I was just another face in
>the crowd. I'd rather be fighting against a tyrant than
>fighting against my own inner demons."

TOM: Well, except for Xendrana, she's the one with the long,
flowing hair and the...uh...well, this is a public place...
uhm...

>
> "Well, you'll always have a home with us. Please, come
>back to Knothole."

JOEL: A planned community for the best years of your life.

>
> Keith shook his head. "Not yet. There are still some
>things I need to work out.

TOM: Change of address cards still. What ZIP code is this
spacetime continuum, anyway? Or are you on Canada Post?

> If you don't mind, I'd like to
>stay out here for a while. See you in the morning." With
>that, he turned back to the pond.

JOEL: You have become tiresome and I wish to see you no more.
Begone, now, or I shall summon the guard.

> Sally laid her hand on
>his

CROW: Oh, here comes the good part...

> shoulder,

CROW: Oh, pootertoots.
JOEL: What?

> then got up and left. The others followed
>suit. Soon, there was just the one human gazing out over
>the crystal waters.

TOM: He and Keith would fight it out at dawn.

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Oh, no. Not again."

CROW: Oh, now a cute little 'Alien' is going to pop out of his
chest and sing the 'Michigan Rag.'

> With one look, Keith knew where
>he was. He was back on the same featureless, barren plain

TOM: Oh, Wisconsin.

>that he was at when the Voice (It had already achieved
>proper noun status in Keith's mind)

CROW: Of course, in Keith's mind, packaged meat has proper noun
status.

> sent him to Mobius.
>
> "You handled that incident well. I am proud of you.

TOM: Now just remember to give them your lunch money the *rest*
of the week too.

>You managed to show them that things aren't always what they
>seem.

JOEL: Since even though they're fully-grown, responsible adults in
their own society, they can't possibly figure this out without
some kid wandering in and yelling at them.

> But, I fear, your greatest task lies ahead, and you
>may not live to see the end result." The Voice seemed
>almost sad at this prospect.

TOM: Alas, odds are you'll make it out alive. Oh well.

>
> "What are you talking about? And just who the hell are
>you?! I'm tired of talking to nothing, and I know you have

CROW: A something.

>a face to go with that voice. So why don't you just show
>yourself and get it over with?"

JOEL: Pay no attention to the spirit behind the curtain.

>
> "Hell has nothing to do with it. There is no such
>place on Mobius.

TOM: All we have is a 16-Cineplex.

> Still, I think I'll answer your last
>question first." And out of nowhere in particular stepped a
>beautiful silver-haired woman, dressed in robes of blue and
>white.

JOEL: Aw, look, Vanna White's pregnant.
CROW: Again?

> There was an amused smile on her face. "Next, I go
>by many guises,

TOM: "I've been arrested for guising in seven states and two
Canadian provinces."

> but here I am known as Destiny.

ALL: [ Snicker ]
TOM: Destiny turns on a radio, pops the clutch, plugs in a video
game, and tells the world to EAT HER DUST!

> On your
>planet, I went by many names, but the one I am most partial
>to is Gaia.

CROW: Aw, criminey, it's a crossover with "Captain Planet."

> And as for your first question, take a look."
>With a wave of her hand, more of the images sprang up. Some

JOEL: Were technical drawings of the starship Enterprise. Who'd have
guessed, Destiny was a nerd too?

>did indeed show his death, but not like on Earth. Here, he
>either died in battle, fighting to protect his friends. But

TOM: Shouldn't there be an "or" in there somewhere?

>some of the images were fuzzy and indistinct. "What's going
>on there?"
>
> Destiny frowned. "I'm not sure.

CROW: I have this lousy cable company.

> Fate is rather
>fickle.

JOEL: I hate her.

> Even I don't know all of the things that can happen
>to you while you're here. Anyway," she waved again,

TOM: I don't know why I'm telling you all this. You're the writer.

> and the
>images disappeared, "what I brought you here for was to
>congratulate you on your achievements,

CROW: Because, Keith Aksland, THIS IS YOUR FANFIC!

> which I did,

JOEL: Oh, great celebration. Thanks.

> and to
>give you a little something to aid you here on Mobius.
>Here." A silver aura lit up Keith's left forearm for a
>second.

TOM: Your very own special effect!

> When it faded, there was what looked like a
>microcomputer strapped to his arm.

CROW: Tragically, it was a Commodore Plus/4.

>
> "What is this?" Keith's eyes lit up. (Author's note:

JOEL: E flat.

>Keith loves technological achievements, and will drop
>whatever he's doing to get a "new toy.") He ran his hands
>across the top of the computer with an almost reverent awe.

CROW: I'm glad the author explained that to us, rather than making
let us infer it from clear writing.

>
> Destiny smiled. "Not what.

JOEL: Huh?
TOM: Which?

> Who.

CROW: When?
JOEL: Why?

> Her

CROW: She?
TOM: Who?

> name is Sasha,
>and I'd best leave the rest to her. Sasha, introduce
>yourself."

JOEL: Good Sasha! Here's some pudding.

>
> The small monitor on the front of the computer lit up.
>"HELLO, KEITH,"

ALL: Ow! Ow!
TOM: Not so loud!

> it said,

CROW: Not it! She!

> in a slightly high-pitched,
>pleasant female voice. "MY NAME IS SASHA, AND I HAVE BEEN
>GIVEN TO YOU AS A...

JOEL: Means of getting the story going again, *please*?

> SORT OF GUIDE TO YOUR NEW HOME.

TOM: Yeah, wouldn't want him to blindly stumble into some
life-threatening situation, now, would we?

> I HAVE
>DETAILED ARCHIVES ON THE WORLD OF MOBIUS, FROM ANCIENT LORE
>TO DETAILED MAPS OF 'INTEREST AREAS.'

CROW: You suppose Mobius has strip malls?

> I ALSO HAVE A FULL
>SELECTION OF MUSIC FROM YOUR WORLD, JUST IN CASE YOU FEEL
>HOMESICK."

JOEL: "I know nothing will make you feel more at home than
this fine selection of traditional chants from the Tupi and
early Mayan cultures."

>
> "Hmm, I doubt that I'll be too homesick, but I think
>that archive might get quite a bit of use."

TOM: Now, does he really need an archive of Sonic the Hedgehog
fanfics?

>
> "Sasha is fully self-aware, and, if you like, can jack
>you into cyberspace like any other good system here.

JOEL: Because even when you are stranded in alien universes, you still
want to keep up with "Dilbert."

> If you
>wish, I can put a 'cyberjack', as you call it,

CROW: "Uh, Des, actually, you're the only one calling it that.
Can I call you Des?"

> on your arm
>so you can mentally connect with Sasha, and basically any
>other machine that supports an interface cable. It may
>cause some discomfort, though."

JOEL: For example, it may make you think you're on "The Super
Powers Team: Galactic Guardians" for some reason.

>
> "Hey, sounds great. Go ahead."

CROW: Our topic for tonight: Does Keith place too much simple
trust in powerful yet inexplicable beings of vast power and
unclear agendas?

> Hs steeled himself for
>the pain he knew would come.
>
> He expected pain. What he didn't expect was to feel a
>hole dig itself into his arm.

TOM: I guess he was expecting the cyberjack to go through the little
door in his side.

> When the hole was deep
>enough, he felt a white-hot jet of fire streak up his arm,
>and directly into his brain, where it seemed to get hotter,
>and then disappear altogether.

CROW: This all *sounds* dirty, but we can't actually prove it.

> When he looked down, he saw
>a small hole, which resembled a headphone jack, just past
>his elbow.

JOEL: Donating blood marrow is a good thing, though.

> Annoyed, he glared at Destiny. "Some
>discomfort?! Felt like someone'd lit my brain on fire!!
>Jeez!!! Okay, what now?"

TOM: "We try again, until it catches."

>
> "Now, you wake up.

CROW: What? This entire thing was a dream sequence? The whole
story? Let me out! Let me out!
JOEL: I think just this happened in the dream.
CROW: Gyp! Gyp!

> I think you'll find the people of
>Knothole to be a bit less judgmental."

JOEL: Now some of them will show signs of remorse after having you
executed.

>
> "What'd you do?" Keith was rather suspicious. He was
>sure that Destiny had messed with their heads.

CROW: Suddenly this story's become Country/Western music.

> Much as the
>thought appealed to him, he still didn't like the idea.

TOM: I give him credit for trying to convey emotional ambiguity,
but the sentence still doesn't scan.

>
> "I did nothing. You, however, gave them one serious
>wakeup call.

JOEL: But they've got a snooze bar called "Nemesis," so it's
hard to call.

> You'll see.

CROW: Maybe.

> Now, it's time for you to go."

JOEL: I'm so glad we had this quiet time together. Wanna make out?

>
>Chapter 4: A New Player

TOM: Five civilizations...play the Americans...President Abe
Lincoln...difficulty 'easy.'

>
> "...And that's it. So," Keith said, standing up, "what
>shall we do next?"

CROW: I'm up for grilled cheese sandwiches, myself.

> He had just spent the past half hour
>relating to Sally, Sonic, and Bunnie

ALL: [ Snickering ]

> just what had happened
>the previous night. Bunnie, who

JOEL: Was really bitter at the lack of effort given to naming her.

> had no idea what happened
>after he walked away from the trial, was quickly filled in
>by Sonic.

CROW: With 10W40 oil.

> "So that's it? Y'all come here, ya give us that
>there dressin'-down, an' now y'expect us ta jus' trust ya
>like nuthin' happened?" Keith gazed at Bunnie solemnly.

TOM: [ As Keith ] "You're German, aren't you?"

>"No. I don't expect you to go on as if it were nothing.

CROW: I expect you to *die*, Ms. Rabbot.

> It
>was a big thing, I know. But, you have to understand. One
>of the reasons I came here in the first place was to escape

JOEL: This 'Destiny' freak. What is with her, anyway?

>all the stereotypes, the judgment, all that 'sins of the
>father' [ bleep ]

TOM: Aw, great, Joe Don Baker gets into the cartoons.

> that has become a way of life on my planet.
>The other, to do exactly what I'm doing now, offering

CROW: This exclusive licensing deal.

> my
>services in order to help win back your world. Now, do you
>understand?"

TOM: Uh...Joel?
JOEL: Go ahead, this one deserves it.
TOM: Thanks. "If your puny brains don't understand I could use
even smaller words."

>
> "Ah understand. It'll take some time to get used ta

CROW: Mah eksent.

>it, but ah understand." Bunnie did. The first few weeks
>after her partial roboticization were worse than any torture
>that she could have conceived.

JOEL: Except for dealings with her Student Loans Officer.

> She knew how it was, to bear
>the sorrow and frustration on her shoulders. Over time,
>they accepted her, and realized

TOM: She had a built-in percolator, too.

> that there was still a
>living heart in her chest.

JOEL: It belonged to the space metal-parasite that had infested
her.

> But she never forgot the lessons
>those weeks taught her.

CROW: One. Never call someone "Bob" if he introduced himself to you
as "Robert."
JOEL: Two. The Chain Rule and Integration by Parts are equivalent
mathematical operations.
TOM: Three. Having lots of incidents doesn't make for a plot.

>
> Keith smiled. "Good. I am glad to meet you, Bunnie,
>and I hope I can be as good a friend as these two." He
>offered his hand.

TOM: [ As Bunnie ] "Oh, you're friends with your hands...well,
that's special, I guess."

> Bunnie was surprised at the sudden
>gesture of friendship, but then she grinned and took it.

CROW: "OW! OW! MINE DOESN'T COME OFF! LET GO! OW!"

>"Well, all right then, sugah. Let's go get that fat boy!"

JOEL: John Goodman, you're goin' down!

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Remember the plan?

TOM: "Right. I'm to be captured and be a distraction, then you
come get me in the end, right?"

> Bunnie and Sonic, set the charges.
>Keith you and... Sasha cut the alarms. Two minutes, and

CROW: Then another two minutes.

>I'll fire. Ready? Go!" Sonic dashed off, with Bunnie in

JOEL: His trunk. Who knows why?

>tow. Keith hooked Sasha into the security alarms via a
>small comm terminal that was nearby.

TOM: Artoo! What have I told you about talking with strange
computers?

> When he got the signal
>from Sasha, he flashed the thumbs-up to Sally.

CROW: Unfortunately, on Mobius, this is the equivalent of giving
"the finger" several times over, and a fight erupted and they
all were killed. The end.

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Sir,

CROW: Oh, pootertoots. We almost had a way out of this story.

> the security system in sector Alpha-3 has been
>shut down.

JOEL: "Wonder who'd want to shut down a useful system like that?"

> It may be a power surge, but... ack!"

TOM: One of the hazards of this planet, he's now got a hairball.

> This last
>part was said as Dr. Robotnik yanked Snively up by his

JOEL: Cringe.

>collar. With a look that had the penetration power of a

CROW: Gadget for slicing plastic foam sheets.

>cutting laser, Robotnik whispered. "But it's probably the

TOM: Guys to clean the pool.

>hedgehog. I hope you're right, though, Snively. If the
>hedgehog gets to that communications relay, you will be

JOEL: Shouting a lot more.

>delivering those messages on foot. Do I make myself
>perfectly clear?"

CROW: "Everything but that stuff after 'Right, Snively.'"

>
> "<gakk> C-crystal clear, sir!" Robotnik tossed
>Snively into a chair -- hard.

JOEL: When Ikea is used for evil purposes.

> "Now, Snively," Robotnik
>said in a voice that made Snively wish he was in the
>Roboticizer, "get to it!"

TOM: What's so bad about a Roboticizer anyway?
CROW: Yeah. It's a cool idea.

>
> "Y-y-yes, sir!" He keyed the intercom. "All SWATbots,
>proceed to Sector Alpha-3.

JOEL: Alpha Trion? I remember that episode of "Transformers."

> Priority alert hedgehog!
>Repeat, Priority hedgehog!"

ALL: [ Snicker ]
CROW: Doesn't exactly intimidate the audience, does it?

>
> Robotnik grabbed Snively's arm. "Snively,

TOM: "Don't you understand, I'm trying to tell you I love you!"

> who is
>that?" He was staring at one of the monitor screens. There
>was a large figure hunched over one of the computer
>terminals.

JOEL: It's the Incredible Hulk!

> It looked almost... "Human? But, that can't be!

CROW: Oh wait...my mistake...it's a local TV News Anchor. Nothing
human.

>We took care of all... the..." Snively faltered as Robotnik
>fixed him with a withering glare. "It appears not, Snively.

TOM: I guess it doesn't really matter who says what, here.

>Now, would you be so kind as to go GET him, hmm?" Without a
>word, Snively dashed out the door.

JOEL: [ As Snively ] *Sniff* My agent of evil...I think I'll keep
him.

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Oh, now THIS is neat!" For the past few minutes,
>Keith had been hunched over the terminal,

TOM: Well, Keith is at the age when he should be...'exploring'
himself...

> giggling and
>muttering to himself. Sally was beginning to think

JOEL: About the joys of abdication.

> he'd
>lost it, when a yellow energy bolt whizzed past her head.

CROW: Oh, now that's just dirty!

>She looked up, and saw Snively leading a group of SWATbots
>right towards Keith!

TOM: [ As Sally ] "Ha-ha! My plan worked!"

> His head snapped up at the sound.
>Sally barely heard him mutter, "Aw, [ bleep ]!" right before he
>dashed off around the corner.

CROW: Huh. Fighting a war is easy when you've seen lots of Tex
Avery cartoons.

> The SWATbots followed suit,
>their blasters drilling away the the ground at his feet.

JOEL: Hey look, it's an untapped gold deposit!...and there's
oil...and dilithium...and blue sparkly special effects!

>Snively stayed where he was. No sense getting dirty running
>after one strange, unarmed human.

TOM: Snively's not highly motivated.

> Suddenly, an arm slipped
>around his neck, trapping him in a choke hold! Snively had
>barely enough time to think before he was whirled around.

CROW: Man, I bet that shows up on his next employee review.

>What he saw froze his heart. The SWATbots were carrying out
>their orders, but the problem was,

JOEL: They're just not very good at all this.

> Snively was now right in
>front of the human! "Stop! Halt! That is an order!"

TOM: "Obey or I'll cry!"

>
> "Good move, little man. Now, if you want to keep on
>enjoying the feeling of a beating heart,

CROW: "Or my tender embrace..."
JOEL: "Our gentle kisses in the morning..."

> I suggest you call
>off the patrol, before I take your little neck and turn it
>until you can see what your heels look like!"

TOM: The most aggressive "Buster Brown" salesman ever.

> Snively,
>being the craven little freak he was, followed instructions.

JOEL: "I've got the macaroni and cheese boiling, but I don't have
a quarter-cup of milk!"

>"Very, good, little man! Now, since you seem to like being
>alive, do not even move until I am only a really bad memory.

TOM: What is he now?

>Ta!" The arm left Snively's throat, and as he turned, he

JOEL: Found his tie was now tied!
CROW: Neat.

>cought the human's feet disappearing around a corner.

TOM: The Invisible Fanfic, by Ralph "Harlan" Ellison.

>Shaking with rage, he screamed (though it came out as a
>rather pathetic little squeak),

CROW: Oh, great, a human with the characteristics of a gerbil.

> "Get him! Kill the human!!

CROW, TOM: [ Singing ] Kill da hu-man! Kill da hu-man!
JOEL: Stop that!

>Do not let him leave!!!"
>
> "<Huff, huff> I thought... that he... would know

JOEL: That the Capital of Minneapolis is not Saint Paul.

>better than that!" Keith quipped as he and Sally ran
>headlong down the dark corridors and alleyways of

TOM: Their own minds, in this, The Twilight Zone.

>Robotropolis. Sally, exhausted as she was, managed to glare
>up at the human. "Just... keep <puff> quiet and <pant,
>pant>

CROW: Oh, *another* dirty part!

> RUN!" They did. They had gotten about another
>hundred yards or so when Keith screeched to a halt.

TOM: "I can't run anymore. I had soft-boiled eggs this morning."

> Sally
>stopped as soon as she could, and looked to see why he had
>stopped.

CROW: Oh, they were in a No-Fleeing zone.

> All she saw was Keith staring, jaw slack, eyes
>glittering, at a

JOEL: Gigantic creamsicle.

> hovercycle that a SWATbot had left in order
>to carry out some order or other.

TOM: Plot point borrowed from 'The Superfriends.'

> He was gazing at it like
>he was in love.

CROW: Oh, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable now.
TOM: Joel, please tell me you've never had thoughts like that
about us.

> "That," he said in a dreamy voice, "is the
>single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life!"

JOEL: I think Sasha's been taking over Keith's nervous system
here...

>He shook himself out of his reverie, and slowly an evil grin
>spread across his face.

CROW: Yet another story ruined by a viewing of "Death Cycle."

> Sally did not like the look of that
>grin. Not one bit.

TOM: [ As Sally ] "I bet he's imagining what I'd look like naked,
if I wore clothes in the first place."
JOEL: Oh, it's time to go, guys.
CROW: Awww...

[ BREAK ]