MSTed: "Introduction To Blacknet"
Steve Brinich
that resembles a snow shoe with lots of suction cups, pitons,
ice blades, Velcro pads, etc. stuck to it in various ways. Gypsy,
Tom Servo, and Crow watch.]
Gypsy: Is it finished yet?
Mike: Almost.
Crow: Come on -- you've been working on that thing all week....
Mike: Hey, I seem to recall you giving me a hard time over throwing
together an invention exchange at the last minute.
Crow: Yeah, but don't you think this is going too far in the other
direction?
[Incoming call light flashes]
Mike: No, and I'm about to prove it, as soon as the call comes in
from Mr. Burns and Smithers-- [notices the light] --well, speak
of the devil.... [hits button].
[DEEP 13 -- Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are dressed in stereotypical
tourist outfits: Bermuda shorts, loud Hawaiian shirts, 35mm cameras
with every known attachment hanging around their necks, etc.]
Dr F: Sorry I'm not here to torment you in person, but we have more
important business right now.
Frank: The 57th American Association for the Advancement of Mad
Science in Oahu.
Dr F: Yes, that. I had Frank here set up this recording to play at
the usual time, so if you're seeing this, he got it right for once.
Tom: Actually, they weren't supposed to call for hours yet....
Dr F: Of course, this means we'll have to postpone the invention
exchange again.
Crow: [to Mike] See, I told you not to spend so much time on it.
Dr F: Actually, it even occurred to me that I should cancel this
week's experiment altogether--
Mike, Tom, Crow: YAY!!
Dr F: --but that would leave you out of shape for running the maze
when I did get back.
Mike, Tom, Crow: BOO!!
Dr F: And so I set up this week's post to automatically upload to
the satellite right after the end of this message. Enjoy!
[SOL -- Lights and alarm go off]
Mike: We got post sign!
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
>alt.privacy #8678 (0 + 132 more) [1]
>From: nob...@shell.portal.com
Crow: Nobody accepts responsibility for this.
Tom: This is a *very* bad sign....
>[1] Introduction to Blacknet
>Date: Mon Feb 14 16:33:50 EST 1994
>Introduction to BlackNet
>
Mike: Blacknet, these are my robot friends Tom Servo and Crow. Tom,
Crow, this is Blacknet.
>
>Your name has come to our attention.
Tom: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
> We have reason to believe you may be
>interested in the products and services our new organization, BlackNet,
>has to offer.
Crow: What is this? More junk e-mail?
>
>BlackNet is in the business of buying, selling, trading,
Mike: I'd say those possibilities pretty much have it covered.
> and otherwise
>dealing with *information*
Tom: [LeoMcKern Number Two voice] We want information....
information... information....
> in all its many forms.
>
>We buy and sell information using public key cryptosystems with essentially
>perfect security for our customers. Unless you tell us who you are (please
>don't!)
Tom: But... didn't they just say they already *have* my name...?
> or inadvertently reveal information which provides clues,
Mike: I don't want you to know what I look like, though I *have* been
mistaken for Tom Cruise....
Tom: Oh, PUH-leeze!
> we have
>no way of identifying you, nor you us.
>
>Our location in physical space is unimportant.
Mike: That's easy for *you* to say: you're back on Earth!
Crow: Actually, I'm not so sure *what* planet he's on.
> Our location in cyberspace
>is all that matters. Our primary address is the PGP key location:
>"BlackNet<now...@cyberspace.nil>"
Tom: [sings] He's a real nowhere man....
> and we can be contacted (preferably
>through a chain of anonymous remailers)
Crow: Or by leaving a floppy disk at the secret drop point next to
the secret tree house.
> by encrypting a message to our
>public key (contained below) and depositing this message in one of the
>several locations in cyberspace we monitor. Currently, we monitor the
>following locations:
Tom: alt.conspiracy
Crow: alt.fan.james-bond
> alt.extropians, alt.fan.david-sternlight, and the
>"Cypherpunks" mailing list.
Mike: What, no "alt.tv.mst3k"?
Crow: I'm insulted.
>
>BlackNet is nominally nondideological, but considers nation-states, export
>laws, patent laws, national security considerations and the like to be
>relics of the pre-cyberspace era.
Tom: [Dragnet announcer voice] Mr. "Nowhere" is currently serving a
five-year sentence for violating "a relic of the pre-cyberspace era".
> Export and patent laws are often used to
>explicity project national power and imperialist, colonialist state
>fascism.
Tom: [laughing] "Imperialist, colonialist state fascism"??
Crow: Genuine Marxist rhetoric. Sort of takes you back, doesn't it?
> BlackNet believes it is solely the responsibility of a secret
>holder to keep that secret--not the responsibilty of the State, or of us,
>or of anyone else who may come into possession of that secret.
Mike: If anybody else comes into possession of the secret, isn't the
whole thing a moot issue?
> If a
>secret's worth having, it's worth protecting.
>
>BlackNet is currently building its information inventory. We are interested
>in information in the following areas, though any other juicy stuff is
>always welcome.
Crow: Did you hear about Sharon Stone and Bill Clinton?
Mike: I don't think they'll pay for just any old story you make up....
Crow: Well, in that case, I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Tom: [sarcastic] Oh, where? The Weekly World News??
> "If you think it's valuable, offer it to us first."
>
>- trade secrets, processes, production methods (esp. in semiconductors)
Crow: Yeah, I'm *sure* these guys will pay more for valuable trade secrets
than the competition will. Bite me!
>- nanotechnology and related techniques (esp. the Merkle sleeve bearing)
>- chemical manufacturing and rational drug design (esp. fullerines and
>protein folding)
Mike: Protein origami?
>- new product plans, from children's toys to cruise missiles
Tom: [announcer voice] But wait! The new "Destructor 2000" is
a children's toy AND a cruise missile!
> (anything on
>"3DO"?)
Mike: Who's on 3DO?
Tom: Ida Know.
>- business intelligence, mergers, buyouts, rumors
Crow: See! They want rumors! They *would*, too, take my story about
Sharon Stone and Bill Clinton!
>
>BlackNet can make anonymous deposits to the bank account of your choice,
Mike: Preferably mine.
>where local banking laws permit,
Tom: [snooty voice] Oh, aren't *those* laws "relics of the
pre-cyberspace era", too?
> can mail cash directly (you assume the
>risk of theft or seizure), or can credit you in "CryptoCredits," the
>internal currency of BlackNet (which you then might use to buy _other_
>information and have it encrypted to your special public key and posted in
>public place).
Crow: Or, if none of that works, we can pay you in Monopoly money.
>
>If you are interested, do NOT attempt to contact us directly (you'll be
>wasting your time),
Tom: If you read this, you already *are* wasting your time.
> and do NOT post anything that contains your name, your
>e-mail address, etc. Rather, compose your message, encrypt it with the
>public key of BlackNet (included below), and use an anonymous remailer
>chain of one or more links to post this encrypted, anonymized message in
>one of the locations listed
Mike: Make sure you aren't followed.
> (more will be added later).
Tom: So, maybe they *will* spread to alt.tv.mst3k.
Crow: Isn't enough junk from the rest of the Net being dumped there
already?
> Be sure to describe
>what you are selling, what value you think it has, your payment terms, and,
>of course, a special public key (NOT the one you use in your ordinary
>business, of course!) that we can use to get back in touch with you. Then
>watch
All: THE SKIES!
> the same public spaces for a reply.
>
>(With these remailers, local PGP encryption within the remailers, the use
>of special public keys, and the public postings of the encrypted messages,
>a secure, two-way, untraceable, and fully anonymous channel has been opened
>between the customer and BlackNet. This is the key to BlackNet.)
>
>A more complete tutorial on using BlackNet will soon appear, in plaintext
>form, in certain locations in cyberspace.
>
>Join us in this revolutionary--and profitable--venture.
Crow: Fun for the whole family!
>
>
>BlackNet<now...@cyberspace.nil>
>
>
> -----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK-----
>Version: 2.2
>
>mQA9Ai1bN6oAAAEBgM98haqmu+pqkoqkr95iMmBTNgb+iL54kUJCoBSOrT0Rqsmz
>KHcVaQ+p4vLIWlrRawAFEbQgQmxhY2tOZXQ8bm93aGVyZUBjeWJlcnNwYWNlLm5p
>bD4=
>=yOMI
> -----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK-----
Crow: Now *those* are the weirdest end credits I ever saw!
Mike: Let's go, guys....
[DOOR SEQUENCE]
[SOL -- Crow is sitting at the computer. Tom walks in]
Tom: What are you doing?
Crow: I decided to see if I could use this Blacknet thing to get
around the Mads and tell everybody on Earth about us being stranded
up here.
Tom: Any luck?
Crow: Not yet. [looks at keyboard] Wait... I'm getting some kind of
response.
Tom: What's it say? [leans closer to look]
At la$t I can EXPOSE the con$piracie$ and EXPLAIN the
true fact$ about FREE ENERGY $y$tem$ and the real cau$e$
of war$!! The PEOPLE who want to $uppre$$ the truth CANT
take away my acce$$ ANY MORE. Becau$e they don't even KNOW
who I am!!
I will $ELL all this INFORMATION to BLACKNET if you will
$END ME a full $ET OF PLANS to build a TE$LA DEATH RAY
generator....
Crow, Tom: AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
[FADE OUT]
MiSTing by Steve Brinich
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