MiSTing--"2000-X" Pt. 1

[Omega]

Alright, this is the first try of the Starbase Omega crew...we lost
two writers, lots of sleep, and what we laughably call our sanity, but
we hope you'll enjoy this one...it is (insert ominous music) our first
MiSTing, but everyone's got to have a first one some time.

So here comes...2000-X!

...insert la-la-la's at various points, end with guitar twang and door
sequence, and go into the bridge of the Satellite of Love, with:

Crow: Yeah, and so then it turned out that Moira MacTaggert had
experimented on Magneto back when Alpha, The Ultimate Mutant had
turned him into an infant, and...

Mike: Oh, hi, everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. We've
gotten word that today's fanfiction is about comic books--

Tom: They're _graphic_ _novels_, Mike.

Mike: Whatever. And so Tom and Crow are explaining X-Men history to
me, since I have a life.

Crow: Hey! Anyways, so the X-Men got brainwashed into fighting for
Magneto's cause, but the reserve team flew up to Asteroid M and--

Mike: Now, wait...how did they brainwash Superman?

Tom: They didn't brainwash Superman, Mike. He's in a totally different
continuity, like Batman and Robin, or Green Lantern, or any of the
other superheroes you've mentioned!

Mike: Well, then what about the Wonder Twins?

Tom: AARGH!

[Tom's head explodes. A yellow light begins to flash on the console.]

Magic Voice: Commercial sign in five seconds. Is Tom alright?

Crow: Oh, way to go, you've just detonated Servo, and now we've got
commercial sign!

Mike: Oh, that's OK, we can [leans over and whispers in Crow's, um,
ear-thingy.]

Crow: Ooooh...

Magic Voice: Commercial sign now.

[ Man needs to cross busy street in heavy traffic. He pops a Mentos,
darts out into the street, and is crushed by a semi. The Mentos rolls
into a gutter, and a narrator goes, "Mentos. The flesh-taker." ]

[Back in SOL, Tom and Mike are missing, Crow is looking at something
off-screen to his right.]

Crow: Almost done?

Mike (off-screen): I think so. Now explain again the differences
between Professor X and Lex Luthor?

[A red light flashes on the console.]

Crow: No time, Starsky and Hutch are calling. [Hits button.]

Dr. Forrester: Greetings, flatscans, and welcome to this week's
Invention Exchange! We'll let your pathetic effort go first, Michael
J. Fox.

[Back on SOL. Mike is supporting Tom, who now has a fishbowl where his
old head was.]

Mike: Well, sirs, what with Tom's head exploding all the time, I
thought that he could use an upgrade. So we replaced his old tiny head
with this new SuperHead!

Tom: Fascinating, Mike, all the para-cosmological mysteries of the
enigmatic universe are mine to comprehend. I understand everything:
The Unified Field Theory, the Single Bullet Theory, the Theory of
Evolution, how to get the cap off of child-proof bottles, how to get
cable without paying for it...

Crow: Do you understand why Costner's still popular after "Waterworld"
and "Wyatt Earp"?

Tom: Well, geez, Crow, I'm only omniscient.

Mike: Well, what do you think, sirs? [He lets go of Tom, who keels
over backwards and falls off of the bridge due to the weight of his
new head. A loud crash of shattered glass can be heard.]

Dr. F: Sounds like it's back to the drawing board, Tom Swift. Now put
away your Amazing Broken Robot and watch my brilliance! My invention
this week is inspired by the ranks of no-name losers who die on a
weekly basis in the "Star Trek" TV series. It's called the Redshirt.
All you need is someone eminently expendable...oh, Frank!

[Frank enters.] Yeah, Steve?

Dr. F: Here. [Holds up a large red shirt, like the top half of a pair
of pajamas.] Put this on.

Frank: Sure thing, Cap'n. [Puts shirt on over normal outfit.] Hey--
[wanders off-screen, but voice can still be heard] I think I found
something over here! [Suddenly, a horrendous scream comes from his
last location. Frank races across the screen, pursued madly by a
wild-eyed, fanged monstrosity of some sort.]

Dr. F: As you can see, the Redshirt induces instant bad karma! [Frank
runs across the screen in the other direction, this time with
lightning bolts cracking down behind him as he goes.] So, now that
that's taken care of-- [a huge explosion sound is heard from Frank's
last location] it's time to send you today's fanfiction, a little
piece of self-published vapidity called "2000-X". Enjoy...if you dare.
Push the button, Frank.

[Frank runs on screen, smouldering slightly. He just manages to push
the button before a tentacle lashes out and drags him off screen
again.]

Mike: Oh, no, we've got _FANFIC SIGN!_

[Flashing lights, sirens, buzzers, door sequence, etc.]

[Mike walks into the theatre, tightening another one of Tomıs spare
heads into place as he does so.]

Mike: Howıs that?
Tom: A little to the left...perfect!
Crow: Shh, guys, the fanficıs starting!

> **All characters and places except 2000-X students and Atlanis
> Base

Tom: Atlanis Morrisette Base? Agent action figure with money-grubbing
action and kung-fu grip sold seperately! Some assembly required,
enthusiasm not included.

> belaong to Marvel Comics. Everything that doesn't belong to
> Marvel Comics belongs to Adam McPartlin.

Mike: Oh my God, that means everything in existence except for the
Marvel comics characters belong to this guy!
Tom: Does that mean he owns us?
Crow: Can he cancel our show?
Tom: I am not going to stand for this! I will not be pushed, stamped,
filed, debriefed or numbered!

> All characters and
> stories belonging to Adam McPartlin may be distributed/used

Tom: As kindling.

> freely. If archived on the 'net, please inform me of the URL

Crow: And the location of the mental asylum you're in

>at ma...@awod.com
>
> 2000-X
> Introduction
>
> On December 18, 1999, the mutant children collectively known
> as Generation X graduated. In the time since Xavier's School for
> Gifted Youngsters was transferred from Greymalkin Lane to Snow
> Valley.

Crow: Yeah? What happened in that time?
Tom: I dunno...
Crow: No, I was asking the author.

> Dr.'s Henry McCoy and Moira Cassidy

Tom: Are Banshee and Moira married?
Crow: I don't think so...hey, maybe she married Siryn!
Tom: Shut up, Crow.

> had found a cure for the mutant plague called the Legacy Virus. All
> the members of the United Nations signed the Mutant Liberation
> Act. Giving mutants the same rights as all humans, legally.

Tom: Does what? Is what?
Mike: I think this author uses the period as an extended comma, Tom.

> With the revelation that Professor Charles Xavier was a mutant,
> Operation: Zero Tolerance attacked Xavier's School for Higher
> Learning and forced the X- Men to transfer to Magneto's hidden
> Atlantis Base.

Crow: Wait, I thought mutants had rights now!
Mike: Sure, the right to be beaten savagely and assaulted by military
organizations...the same rights as everyone else.

>Sean Cassidy had been replaced by Dr. Robert Drake

Mike: In a hostile takeover.
Tom: Hey, wait a second...what did Iceman get a doctorate in?
Crow: Belching?
Tom: Drinking?
Mike: I know! Staying cool...because, you know, the whole "ice" thing,
kinda...heh, heh.........
Tom: Shut up, Mike.

> as headmaster of the Massachusetts Academy. On January 10,
> 2000, the new generation began classes at Xavier's. Here is 2000-
> X

Crow: Is that a toilet bowl cleaner?
Mike: No, it's the new Mazda 2000-X! It looks like a fish, moves like
a fish, steers like a cow.

>
>
> Anubis
>
> Real Name- Alec Mac Lennon

Crow: What kind of a middle name is "Mac"?
Tom: You know, it's a sort of Scottish, Russian, Egyptian thing.
Crow: Oh, so he'd be played by Sean Connery in the movie version.
Mike: Don't give him any ideas, Crow.

> Age- 15
> Height- Variable
> Weight- Variable
> I.Q.- 200+(as a telepath unmeasurable)

Tom: Negative 200+? So does this mean he sucks the intelligence out of
people around him?
Crow: Well, he certainly seems to have sucked the intelligence out of
this story.
Mike: Didn't take long, though.

> Place of Birth- Lennon Isle (Dimensionally displaced)

Mike: Boy, I knew John and Yoko were smoking stuff, but...

> Powers- Alec has a wide variety of mutant powers as a
> fourth generation mutant. His powers include the ability to drain
> any life form of it's life force. He has the ability to resurrect the
> recently dead under his control. He also uses the life force energy
> to sustain biological functions.

Tom: Boy, imagine him in a belching contest!
Crow: Boy, imagine him on a date! With those powers, he could--
Mike: That's enough, Crow.

> He has near absolute control of organic matter as long as it doesn't
> contain life energy. He is a class 7 (Professor X was a class 7)
> telepath. A teleporter with a maximum known range of 100 miles.

Mike: Is available for only sixteen easy payments of $19.99! Call now,
supplies are limited!

> Because he feeds off external
> life energy he cannot die as long as one life form remains on Earth.
> He can control his own matter despite his life force.

Mike: Don't even think about it, Crow.

> History- Alec's great- grandfather had the mutant ability to
> create dimensions and control them.

Tom: Yeah, like height, length, width...
Crow: Is that why he's variable?

> He teleported over a hundred people to a dimension he called
> Lennon Isle.

Crow: With Gilligan, and Ringo too...the millionaire...and his wife...

> A hundred and fifty years later Alec was born to a mutant who had
> the same powers he did except he couldn't drain life forces.

Crow: He was born to a guy?!?!?
Tom: Well, you know, with modern technology...

> When Alec's power's manifested he unwittingly completely drained
> his mother into true death.

Crow: Unlike the normal six-issue X-Men death.

> As punishment his father banished Alec to Earth until he could
> completely control his powers.

Mike: Bad boy! Bad! Next time you kill your mother, I'm taking away
your dessert! Now go to earth, and think about what you've done.
Crow: Oh, great, he's got a power that causes him to slaughter
innocent beings by the hundreds, so what do they do? Send him to a
major population center!

> Alec started classes on September 19, 1999.

Mike: But I thought classes started on January 10, 2000.
Tom: Maybe he pre-registered.

>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------
> Falcon
>
> Real Name- Andrea Manson
> Age- 14
> Height- 5'4"
> Weight- 112
> I.Q.- 222
> Place of Birth: Salem, Massachusetts
>
> Powers- Creates balls of pure force

Mike: Not another word, Crow.

> that glows a blinding white light called "star bolts."

Tom: Wait, the light is called "star bolts"?
Mike: No, the force is called "star bolts".
Crow: No, the balls are--[Mike grabs Crow's beak.] Mmph!
Mike: I warned you, Crow.

> Psionic hypnosis. Specific metamorphosis into a falcon.

Crow: I never metamorphosis I didn't like.

> Can regenerate the life force of any life form as well as heal it's
> body.
>
> History- The Manson Twins

Tom: You know, Helter and Skelter.

> were born into one of the richest "old money" families in New
> England. When the twins were ten their parents were murdered in
> a mugging while on a business trip to Boston.

Mike: Is this where he becomes Batman?
Tom: I won't dignify that with a response, Mike.

> They were placed under the guardianship of an old friend of the
> family named Professor Charles Xavier.

Crow: His first name was Professor?
Mike: Yeah, you know, like the Professor on Gilligan's Island.

> They lived in the Atlantis base until their powers manifested on
> their fourteenth birthday.
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------
> Megamorph
>
> Real Name- James Stanton
> Age- 16
> Height- Variable
> Weight- Variable

Crow: Wait, is he related to Sean Connery's character?

> I.Q.- 160
> Place of Birth- Sydney, Australia
>
> Powers- Perpetual/genetic metamorphosis.

Crow: I still haven't metamorphosis I didn't like.
Tom: That's about to change, Crow.
Mike: Wait a second, does perpetual metamorphosis mean he's _always_
changing?

> Can morph into anyone/thing.

Crow: He can change into Thing? From The Addams Family?

> Takes on the powers of the people he morphs into.
>
> History- James' parents were killed in a plane wreck when
> he was two. He grew up in foster homes all over southeastern
> Australia.

Tom: Note how no-one ever said he survived.
Mike: Yes, bits of him were spread over half of the continent.

> When he was twelve he started living on the streets.

Tom: After a few days of dodging traffic, he decided to live on the
sidewalks.

> His powers soon surfaced in a fight with some older boys when he
> transformed into a ball of spikes and killed his attackers. Soon he
> began stealing to survive. He only gave up this life style when he
> was contacted by the X- Men

Mike: How'd they get ahold of him?
Tom: Cell phone.
Mike: But I thought he was only stealing to survive.
Tom: Well, he really _needed_ that cell phone...

> ------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------
> Pendragon
>
> Real Name- Arthur de Pendragon?

Crow: Geez, what's with the weird middle names?

> (this was King Arthur's name)

All: It was?
Tom: Oh, now he's just making stuff up.
Mike: It could be worse; this could all be true.

> Age- 17?
> Height- 6'0"
> Weight- 190
> I.Q.- 200+
> Place of Birth- Aberdeen, Scotland?

Crow: Boy, this guy seems remarkably ill-informed about his own life.

> Powers- Full range elemental(weather, volcanism, earth,
> water, etc.). Telepathy class 5. telekinesis.

Tom: Are you sure those are his powers? Are you really sure?

> History- Pendragon appeared on Muir Isle one night.

Tom: Then he went to do Vegas.
Crow: Ladies and gentlement, appearing on Muir Island, for one night
only...

> He apparently has completely repressed his persona

Tom: After reading this story, I'd be repressed too.
Mike: No, that's depressed, Tom.

> and replaced it with King Arthur's. Began classes at the
> Massachusetts October 11, 1998.

Crow: Boy, he must have _really_ pre-registered.

> ------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------
> Psyber
>
> Real Name- Charles Ramesy
> Age- 13
> Height- 5'3"
> Weight- 126
> I.Q.- 200+
> Place of Birth- Long Island, New York
>
> Powers- Telepathy, magnetic manipulation,
> cyberpathy(controls all forms of electronics with a form of
> psionics)
> History- Charles is the younger brother of Douglas Ramesy
> from the New Mutants that went through an age accelerator to
> become twelve years older.

Tom: Now, wait, Douglas went through the age accelerator?
Crow: No, I think Charles went through the age accelerator.
Mike: Xavier?
Crow: No, Ramsey.
Mike: So he became 12 years older, right?
Crow: Yep.
Mike: But I thought he was 13 now...so that means he must have been a
year old when they put him in.
Tom: Great, he's the only member of the team that's not potty-trained.
Crow: Well..........

>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------
> Raven
>
> Real Name- Andrew Manson
> Age- 14
> Height- 5'6"
> Weight- 155
> I.Q.- 222
> Place of Birth: Salem, Massachusetts
>
> Powers- Generates balls of pure force

Crow: Mmmmmph!
Mike: I keep telling you, Crow...

> that absorb light called "dark bolts."

Tom: The light's called "dark bolts"?
Mike: No, the force is called "dark bolts".
Crow: No, the--mmmmmph!
Mike: *sighs exasperatedly*

> Psionic hypnosis. Specific transformation into a raven. Able to
> regenerate the life force of any living being as well as heal their wounds.
>
> History- (see Falcon)

Tom: I'd rather not.

> ------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------

Tom: Boy, am I glad the author picked this way to introduce everyone.
I feel like I'm really getting to know these characters!
Crow: Really?
Tom : No.

> Venus

Crow: Yeah, you know, no arms, nice rack...
Mike and Tom: Crow!

> Real Name- Monique de Arke

Crow: Gee, I didn't think 'de' was that common of a middle name.
Tom: In this story, 'duh' is a common name.

> Age- 18
> Height- 5'6"
> Weight- 117
> I.Q.- 1000+

Tom: OK, now this is just getting silly.

> (Forge level intelligence(unless he's written by whoever writes X-
> Factor))

Mike: Or by Adam McPartlin.

> Place of Birth- Monte Carlo, Monaco.
>
> Powers- Class 7 telepathy.

Crow: Gee, I thought Professor X was supposed to be the best telepath
in the world.
Tom: Or at least above average.

> Low range telekintic field(always on, results are invurnability

Tom (in German accent): Ach, ja, she iss invurnable, and her cigar is
not just a cigar, nein?

> , super strength and flight).
> Planetary teleportation.

Mike: Does this mean she can teleport to planets?
Crow: No, she can teleport on planets.
Tom: No, she can teleport planets.
Crow: But--
Tom: Well, she _is_ Venus...

> Enhanced pheremones.

Crow: NIIIIIIIICE pheremones....

> History- Born to a Moroccan nobleman

Crow: She was born to a man, too?
Tom: Well, what with modern technology...

> , Monique has lived in the greatest luxury money can buy. However
> she has never had any friends.

Tom: Wait, I thought she had enhanced pheremones!
Crow: Yeah, she'd have boys crawling all over her!
Mike: Crow...

> As an only child, Monique lived her life in solitude. As a result ,
> Monique is very withdrawn. She rarely participates with anyone
> else.

Tom: Well, that's a new word for it...
Mike: Now don't you start!

> Monique entered Xavier's school January 6, 1997.

Crow: OK, this pre-registration thing is just getting way out of hand.
Tom: Yeah, what did they do, sit around in a vacant lot until they
built the school?

>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------
> Warrior

Tom and Crow: GUY GARDNER?
Mike: Green Lantern, right?

> Real Name- Michael Kaern
> Age- 15
> Height- 6'11"
> Weight- 302
> I.Q.- 144

Tom: Oh, he's just a regular genius.

> Place of Birth- Los Angeles, California
>
> Powers- can redirect or stop any application of kinetic
> energy. He uses this to make himself invunable

Crow (in Indian accent): Oh he is invunable oh my good golly gosh yes.
I am standing here beside myself.

> and super strong in normal cases.

Mike: Yeah, but take him out of the case, and he breaks in about five
mintues.
Crow: I bet he doesn't even have kung-fu grip.

> History- As a black teenager in South Central, Los Angeles,
> Michael joined a gang at the young age of seven for protection. He
> was arrested several times. Once his mutant powers manifested
> he quickly began a war against different gangs throughout the LA
> area. Once the X- Men showed up to recruit him he jumped at the
> chance

All: Boingy, boingy, boingy!

> to escape the crime ridden streets of LA

Tom (in husky voice): Call me Snake.
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------
> Waverider

Tom: You know, this guy's skirting copyright problems with DC in a big
way.
Mike: How can he have copyright problems when he owns everything?

> Real Name- Tihna Nagoya
> Age- 15
> Height- 5'0"
> Weight- 95
> I.Q.- 159
> Place of Birth- Tokyo, Japan
>
> Powers- Has the ability to transform into H(2)0 and in that
> form she can control it.
>
> History- Tihna was a mediocre student in Japan's public
> schools

Mike: Wait, she has an IQ of 159 and she's still only a mediocre
student?

> so her parents jumped at the chance

All: Boingy, boingy, boingy!

> for her to attend a internationally acclaimed school. Even if it was in America.

[long pause]
Mike: C'mon, guys, looks like it'll be a little bit before the next
segment.
Tom: Yeah, and this gave me an idea!

[Mike picks up Tom, and they leave the theater. Door sequence plays in
reverse, and...]

[SOL bridge. Mike is standing out front, in a mugshot position.]

Tom (off-screen): Mike T. Nelson. Real Name- Gee, figure it out,
doofus. Age-I dunno, heıs in his thirties, isnıt he? Height- Um,
about 6ı, I think. Weight-Way too much, after all those twinkies heıs
been scarfing down. [There is much snickering off-screen. Mike looks
fairly irritated.] I.Q.- 45. [much, much more snickering.] Place of
Birth- Somewhere in Wisconsin or something. Powers- Can bore the heck
out of anyone with his long-winded high-school stories. [Mike turns
and glares off-screen, and thereıs much more snickering.] History-
After his parents kicked him out of his house at age thirteen after
the shameful incident in the ladiesı locker room, Mike--

Mike: Thatıs it! [reaches off-screen, grabs Tom and hauls him out.]
Itıs my turn to do this. [steps off-screen] Tom Servo. Real
Name-The Human Torso.

Tom: Hey!

Mike(off-screen): Oh, you can dish it out, but you canıt take it.
Age-5. Height-2ı4². Weight-Enough that he needs a hoverskirt to move
from place to place. [Crow is heard snickering off-screen.] I.Q.-
Letıs just say you could double it, and itıd still be a single digit
number.

Tom: Thatıs just not fair!

Mike(off-screen): Deal with it, torso-boy. Place of Birth- The
Satellite of Love. Powers-Able to...well, he can...gee, um...

Crow(off-screen): He looks great in a candy striperıs outfit!
[snickers]

Mike(off-screen): Well, thatıs a lot more than I ever wanted to know,
thanks. Where was I?

Gypsy(off-screen): History.

Mike(off-screen): Thanks, Gypsy. History-Wait, he hasnıt done
anything worth talking about!

Tom: Oh, sure, have your little laugh...mock me openly in front of
everyone...spew your bile all over me--

[Crow steps on screen.] Thanks, we will, Tom. [Shoves Tom off-screen,
despite having non-functional arms.] Now, itıs my turn. OK... Crow.
Real Name- Crow T. Robot.

Mike(off-screen): Hey! You canıt do your own!

Crow: Who says! Anyways... Age-5. Height- 4ı8², 9ı3² with legs at full
extension.

Tom(off-screen): Yeah, whatever, doofus.

Crow: Oh, bite me. Weight- A lean, mean, 200 pounds of pure muscle.

Mike(off-screen): Youıre a robot, Crow; you donıt have muscles.

Crow: Well, hydraulics, then. I.Q.-947. [much snickering from
off-screen] Shut up! Place of Birth-The Satellite of Love. Powers-Able
to decide who lives and who dies. History-After saving the universe
from the evil threat of the Zondarg invasion fleets, I--

[Mike comes on-screen.] Youıre starting to sound like Marissa, Crow.
Now shoo, itıs time to do Gypsy. [Gypsy goes on-screen.]

Crow: OK, Gypsy! Real Name: The--[Mike grabs Crowıs beak, shutting him
up.]

Mike: Iıll do this one, Crow. Gypsy. Real Name-Gypsy Rose. Age- 5.
Height- About fifty-odd miles, once the Umbilicus is in place.

Tom(off-screen): The what?

Mike: Nothing, just being metatextual. Weight-Um...[looks at Gypsy]
Weıll just skip that one. I.Q.-10500, but all but 87 of it is taken
up with running the higher functions of the Satellite of Love. Place
of Birth- The Satellite of Love. Powers- Runs all the higher
functions of the Satellite of Love. History- Was created by Joel to
run the higher--guys, this is getting repetitive.

Crow: And redundant.

Tom(moving on-screen): And it just says the same thing over and over.

Mike: Uh, yeah...letıs just move on to Magic Voice, OK?
Well...Powers--tells when thereıs commercial sign, and also

[lights and buzzers begin to go off]

FANFIC SIGN!

More to come...

Omega
******
"Torgo, that's not the way you use your Depends."
--MST3K: Manos: The Hands of Fate