MSTed: "A New Generation" [2/10] (Ratliff)

[Jamie Plummer]

> Chapter One

Tom: And now, Stephen Ratliff reads from the Book of Marrissa; Chapter 1 ,
Verse 1.

>
> Captain's Log
> USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E
> Rear Admiral William T Riker recording

Mike [Riker]: Is this thing on?

> This is my final mission as Captain of the Enterprise. While
> I'd prefer another final mission

Mike [Riker]: ... what I'd really like is a final mission.

> than patrolling the Romulan Neutral
> Zone,

Crow: Did you hear they picked a new chairman for the RNZ?

> it's certainly preferable to my other choice. I certainly hope
> Captain Marrissa Picard of the Endeavor enjoys Laxwana Troi.
>

Mike: Always serve Betazoid with a nice Chianti.

> As Riker finished recording his log, he noticed a smile
> gracing his Klingon First Officer's face.

Mike [Riker]: Are Klingons ticklish there?

> "Something funny, Mister
> Worf?" he asked.

Tom: Zero Mostel stars! In "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Worf's Room."

> "I'm just remembering some of the times Miss Troi has given us
> on the Enterprise," Worf responded.
> "I have to admit, Worf, that if Laxwana had taken the Enterprise,

Mike: "... we'd all be on milk cartons!"

> I'd be following Picard's example and retreat to the holodeck." Riker
> remarked.
> "I do not blame you, the Vice President is annoying," Worf replied.

Crow: What with uninformed environmental doomsaying, his technoblather, his
censor-happy wife...
Tom: Yeah, but don't forget the Gore Daughters!
Crow: Ah, they couldn't even take the Lubbock Babes.

> "I'm just tired of her asking when Deanna and I are having another
> child," Riker replied. "As if Andrew wasn't enough."

Tom [Worf]: "Will, this may not be the best time for this, but have you
noticed Andrew's dark complexion and raised forehead?"

> "Speaking of Deanna, I want to know why she suddenly decided to
> go to Command School," Worf inquired.
> Riker never answered. The tactical officer interrupted, announcing,
> "Romulan Warbirds decloaking."

Tom: Wock-a-chicka!

> "RED ALERT, raise shield, ready weapons," Worf ordered. "How many
> tactical?" Riker inquired.
> "Six, sir," Lieutenant Ross Lochard replied. "That's too many,"
> Riker replied.

Mike [Riker]: They promised no more than four!

> "Send out a distress call on subspace 2." The Romulans
> opened fire.
> "Return fire," Worf ordered.
> "Worf, I don't think we

Mike: "... have enough postage."

> stand much of a chance of not being
> captured," Riker said. "So how would you like to take a Romulan Starbase?

Tom: I think it would be FUN to run a Romulan Starbase!

> Helm evasive pattern Marrissa

Crow: Run! Marrissa's coming!

> Mozart twenty-one"
> "I'd enjoy it," Worf replied. "Tactical firing pattern Alex One
> Oh One."
> "In that case, I believe a change in footwear is recommend," Riker
> responded.

Mike: Oh, great. They're in a "Cathy" comic strip now.

> "Helm hard to port." A Romulan plasma torpedo exploded off the
> starboard bow.

Tom: o/~ ... starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow. There's Klingons
off the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim! o/~

> "May I suggest we start making ourselves look hurt?" Worf replied,
> changing his boots.

Tom [Worf]: o/~ It's a beautiful day in the Alpha Quadrant,
a beautiful day in the Alpha Quandrant. o/~

> "Tactical, firing pattern Alex Two, center on the
> warbird at one five mark six oh."
> "Agreed, Engineering, I want you to make it look like every hit
> has ten percent more effectiveness than it really does," Riker ordered.

Tom: Hey guys, let's pretend like this fanfic is ten percent more interesting
than it really is.

> "If this wasn't the Flagship, I'd order twenty.

Crow: This way, they'll shoot at us some more.

> Helm, evasive pattern
> Omega."
> "Can't make it too easy," Worf said, as the Romulans increased
> their fire, noticing their apparent success.

Mike: Why don't they just let them destroy the Enterprise and then keep it all
a secret? It's apparently been working for years.

> "May I suggest we set Omega
> destruct?"

Crow: May I suggest you bite me?

> "That will cause the Enterprise to blow up when the last crew
> member is safely away," Riker noted. "I like the idea, who was it that
> came up with that idea?"
> "Marrissa, I believe," Worf replied.

Mike [televangelist]: Do you *BELIEVE* in Marrissa, brothers and sisters?!
Tom & Crow: NO!

> "Computer, set Destruct, Omega, Authorization Riker, Omega Two
> Alpha Destruct," Riker ordered.
> "Does the First Officer concur?" the Computer replied. "Yes,
> Authorization Worf Alpha One Beta Destruct Omega," Worf concurred.

Tom [Mom]: Would you jump off a cliff if the computer asked you, Worf?

> "Destruct set for two minutes after last crew person leaves or
> dies," the Computer informed.
> Then Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard broke in, "Shields have
> failed,

Tom: They've replaced her with Tea Leoni.

> the Romulans are hailing us."
> "On screen," Riker ordered. The Romulan Admiral Soovik appeared,
> his grin wide. "Admiral Soovik, I see the Preator is getting desperate.

Crow: And the Consul is at his wits' end!

> You do know that this attack on my ship is an act of war, and right now
> the Federation is not inclined to ignore one."

Mike [Riker]: "Unless we decide to cover it up again."

> "Yes I know and I also know that you are in no condition to be
> demanding anything," Soovik replied. "I demand your unconditional
> surrender. My prize crew will beam aboard and

Tom: She will win the blue ribbon in the milking contest.

> we will tow your ship
> back to our side of the zone.

Crow: Does that make them Repomulans?
Tom: Crow?
Crow: Yes, Tommy?
Tom: Flip you, you flippin' melonfarmer!

> No one will know what happened to the
> Enterprise."

Tom [Shatner]: What... ever happened to... Saturn... Three?!

> "Perhaps, perhaps,

Mike: Of course, of course.
Tom: And no one will talk to his horse, of course.
Crow: That is of course, unless the horse is the famous William Riker!

> however you may have just made the biggest
> mistake in your career," Riker responded.

Mike: He's gonna strike it out on his own in the McLean Stevenson Show?

> "I don't think so," Soovik smiled.

Crow: "I'm no Shelley Long."

> "The capture of the
> Enterprise will do much to further my career."
> "You have my surrender," Riker responded. "However your career
> will be over in less than a month."

Tom: Billy Ray Cyrus used to destroy starships, too.

> The Romulan Admiral laughed and closed the channel. Moments
> later a prize crew beamed on to the Enterprise's bridge and

Mike: ... handed out the ribbons for the milking contest.

> took over.
>
> Personal Log
> Lieutenant Commander Clara Stutter-Rozhenko

Crow: Ro-Ro-Ro-Ro.... um, Rose-Ro-Rozhenko!

> Chief Engineer, USS Endeavor
> Stardate 61573.69
> I never thought that being pregnant would cause me to be so
> annoyed.

Tom [Clara]: "Marrissa's fetus has a better Kobayashi Maru time than mine!"

> Then I met Laxwana Troi. Seeing my condition, she quickly went
> into mother hen mode.

Mike: But doctor, the eggs taste great!

> She tries to get me to sit down, interferes with
> my duties, annoys my staff, and more importantly my husband, Alex.
> I'm sure Marrissa is targeted as well, after all she's

Crow: ... first against the wall when the revolution comes.

> only a
> month behind me. However she can retreat to her ready room and gets to
> sit down on the job, whereas I have to move around and fix things.
> I have decided that if Mrs. Troi continues to annoy me and my
> staff, she will be thrown out of Engineering.

Tom: You know, this is exactly the kind of quick-thinking command decision
that enabled Clara to ascend rapidly up the ranks.

> Meanwhile, warp efficiency is up by point oh five percent. On
> the fleet wide efficiency scale,

Tom [Cosell]: Ali is weighing in...

> the Endeavor is at 98.95 percent, point
> 4 above the nearest, the Defiant. The Nova is moving up, now at 97.01.

Mike: Hey guys, write this down. I bet it's important later.
[All snicker]

> This week's low ship on the scale is the Clinton at 72.01 due to a warp
> core malfunction.
>

Crow: Is that the identifying mark Paula Jones has been talking about?

> Clara Stutter-Rozhenko was under a console with a

Crow: ... Ferengi.

> large number
> of parts arrayed around her, when Laxwana Troi caught up with her in
> Main Engineering. "Is it really necessary for you to do that?" Laxwana
> asked.

Mike: Yes! The fresh-ground Oregano is the key to the whole thing!

> "Do you want the VIP and Senior Officer's Quarters to suddenly
> freeze?" Clara asked.

Tom [Clara]: This isn't the Letterman show, you know.

> "I mean do you have to do it?" Laxwana responded.

Tom: o/~ Birds do it, bees do it o/~

> "Its called keeping one's hand in," Clara replied.
> "You must learn to delegate," Laxwana commented.

Mike: Join the NEA, dance the Macarena.

> "Do you see anyone standing around doing nothing?" Clara asked,
> beginning to lose her cool.
> "No, but surely there are more suitable jobs for a woman in your
> condition," Laxwana replied.
> "Madam Vice President, I'm Chief Engineer, not an invalid," Clara
> responded, finishing the repair and sliding out from under

Crow: ... her iron lung.

> the console.
> Tapping her communicator, she continued. "Ensign Dekcep, how is your part
> coming?"

Tom: "Have you mastered the role of self-help guru and infomercial fraud?"

> "Commander, its going to take a little more time," was Dekcep's
> reply.
> "How much time?"

Tom: A whole lot of precious time.

> "Quite a bit actually."
> "Explain."

Crow: When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...

> "I was working on the conduit when someone tapped my shoulder,
> startling me. I kind of put my hand though the ODN control panel."
> "Understood, who was this person?"

Mike: Well, there was a devil on one shoulder, and -- this is where it gets
weird -- a bear on the other.

> "Mrs. Troi."

Mike: Mr. Quatre
Tom: Ms. Cinq
Crow: Dr. Six

> "Thank you, Ensign," Clara closed the channel staring at the
> annoying Betazoid.

Mike: "Annoying Betazoid." Isn't that Newt Gingrich's Secret Service code
name?
Tom: I think so...

> "Clara to Shayna."
> "Shayna here."

Crow: ... Shayna there. I shayn that ras-cule everywhere.

> "Shayna, how far are you from Engineering?"
> "I'm just entering it on my daily tour," Shayna replied,

Mike: ... piloting a tourist trolley.

> coming
> up behind Vice President Troi.
> "Shayna, this woman here has been causing my engineers problems,"
> Clara stated.

Mike: I used to have to watch films in health class about "engineer's
problem."

> "I'd like her escorted out of Engineering, and see that

Tom: ... her escort takes her to play with an intermission and dances to the
"Alley Cat" song.

> she doesn't enter any of my domain during the rest of her stay."
> "You mean you are throwing me out?" Laxwana replied, enraged.

Crow: Not so much as throwing you up. And feeding the regurgitated remains to
my young.

> "This is an insult, no one has ever kicked me out of anywhere."

Mike: Yeah, that Clara is a regular Don Rickles.

> "Then it is about time, Mrs. Troi," Clara responded, getting
> back to work.
> "This way, Madam Vice President," Shayna said, gesturing at the
> door.

Crow: So he says, he says, "If I could walk *this way*, I would be *Madam*
Vice President."

> Laxwana began to follow Lieutenant Sachs, saying, "I've never
> been treated like that before. How can she get away with that type of
> behavior."

Tom [scary redneck]: How? I'll tell you how, man! She's *Sachs*. As in
Goldman-Sachs? She's part of ZOG, man. She's just waiting to seize
power through the UN, man.
Mike: So, they have ZOG in the 24th century, Tom?
Tom: Sure. It's... ummm... Zionist-Occupied Galaxy.
Crow [to Mike]: Kill him.
Mike: Gladly.

> "That's any easy question to answer," Shayna replied. "She's

[Mike lunges for Tom, but Tom ducks]

> six months pregnant, runs Engineering on the fastest and most efficient

[Tom pops up by Crow.]
Crow: Mike! Over here!

> ship in the fleet, and is second officer. She is also a Princess of

[Mike gets up and grabs Tom.]

> Essex, and a good friend of the Captain, like the rest of the command
> crew."

Tom: Wait just a minute, Nelson!
Mike: What?!
Tom: Commercials.
Mike: Oh.

[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 3]

Jamie Plummer jc...@virginia.edu http://faraday.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j
"It's merely symptomatic of our postmodern ennui. There are no
absolutes unless you perceive our world as meaningless when it's
really your own freedom you detest. I like pork." -- Brak