[MSTied] SAILOR MOON: Past, Present, and Future [1/9]
Tv's Weretorgo
*much* of a cheesy fanfic for tonight, that we decided to split it up into *two*
managable slices. So, before you go off in search of the Golden Turkey, stay
with us. You just might lose the need for food.
[SOL.]
[MIKE and the bots (GYPSY also) are behind the desk.]
MIKE: Hello, welcome, et cetra. No time to talk - we're in the midst of a heated
debate. See, it's the day before Thanksgiving, and the bots and I are having a
bit of a conflict. "Which Marathon Should We Watch on Our Single Bigscreen TV?"
CROW: I am *going* to watch that Sliders marathon, even if I have to transform
into pure matter again!
SERVO: No no no. We are all going to sit around and watch my collection of
Columbo tapes.
MIKE: Hey, but what about the M*A*S*H* marathon on Tv Land? [to camera] That
Alan Alda sure cracks me up.
CROW: But that ugly guy's duplicate on Sliders is going to do a very funny
thing, maybe.
GYPSY: Is there anything with, ooh, say... a certain British actor I dearly
love?
SERVO: [to GYPSY] If you vote for me, babe, I'll show the Richard Baseheart
episode *twice.*
GYPSY: SOLD! [yellow light begins flashing]
CROW: Hey, no fair, Tom!
SERVO: Ha-ha, Majority rules.
[commercials, over which the bickering goes on]
[SOL.]
[Theater. SERVO and GYPSY are inside, GYPSY taking the fourth seat, watching
episode 13 of Columbo - Dagger of the Mind, starring Peter Falk and Richard
Basehart.]
> COLUMBO: Richard Basehart is wearing Shakespearean clothing and
> makeup. His wife, Nora, and a
> man named Roger are in his dressing room.
>
> ROGER: [an old man in his 60's] --Taken by a liar and a *tart*
> NORA: [going over to Roger] Roger, I'll forgive your nasty language--
> ROGER: [throws Nora off of his shoulder. To BASEHART] YOU just helped
> me decide. There won't *be* a Macbeth. I'm going out to tell the whole
> company. [walks towards door. Stops, turns] The play is not only
> cancelled, but I'll see to it that neither one of you ever works again
> on ANY stage--
> NORA: [to BASEHART] Stop him!
> BASEHART: [rushing over to Roger] Roger!
GYPSY: Kill him, Richie!
SERVO: Shhh!
> [Scuffle ensues, Basehart trying to stop Roger.]
>
> ROGER: Let go of me!
> NORA: Stop it! Both of you!
>
> [Nora suddenly, in a panic, grabs a jar of cold cream and hurls it at
> Roger. Basehart ducks out of the way just in time. Roger is down and
> dead.]
GYPSY: That's for messing with the 'Hart.
> [Basehart and Nora exchange worried looks. Music lets loose with one
> of those patented Columbo "rikka"'s... like a stick going against a
> ribbed surface]
[Suddenly picture stops. Deep 13 appears in place, live action shot. DR. F and
FRANK are looking in as if they can see SERVO and GYPSY.]
DR. F: What in the *world* is this?
FRANK: [shaking his head] Unauthorized use of the theater... I guess we'll have
to report it to us.
DR. F: Yep, I guess we-- [realizes what FRANK said. Produces football, ala Naked
Gun.] Frank, go short. [Throws football into camera, FRANK follows, smashes his
head against camera and is down for the count.] [now to robots] Well, I guess
I'll need to set a punishment... [falsely] hmm, I have an idea. How about if I
send you a crappy fanfic? Yes, that is a very good idea. [back to normal] This
one's called, "Sailor Moon: Past, Present, and Future." And of course, have a
helping of the crappy serial, to compliment your crappy fanfic. [mothering tone]
I'm doing this for your own good. You'll thank me for this. [laughs evilly,
pushes button.]
[Distant sound of sirens, then the "Fanfic Sign!" scream from the SOL. Deep 13
vanishes, leaving a blank screen. For only a merciful second, though... then the
story fades in]
[MIKE and CROW enter.]
MIKE: Hey guys... [to CROW, referring to the MADS] I hate it when they don't
fill us in.
SERVO: Oh, *I'll* fill you in: Crappy serial, crappy story.
CROW: Surprise, surprise!
> PRETTY SOLDIER SAILOR MOON:CRYSTAL SAILORS
> Episode:04 [PG-13]
> "The Return of Kunzite and Zoicite!"
CROW: Oh boy! Another Kunzite and Zoicite episode! These are my favorite!
SERVO: Another? There haven't been any others.
CROW: My point, exactly.
>
> Today on Sailor Moon:Crystal Sailors: "The Ice Titan brings back my
> worst enemy.
MIKE: [as Crystal Knight] The comma.
> What will they do? Stay there and find out!"
> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
GYPSY: Oooh, pretty.
SERVO: [as if talking to an infant] Yes, Gypsy.
> Usagi stood by her bedroom window, she was deeply in thought. This
> concerned Luna.
CROW: [as Luna] I hope she doesn't strain anything!
> Luna asked Usagi,
> Luna: "Usagi are you alright?" Usagi wasn't listening.
MIKE: Oooh, the silent treatment.
> She was thinking about
> the last few fights and what happened in each fight.
CROW: Just to sum up: She got the crap beaten out of her, she died, she was
reincarnated, and she got her ass kicked again. Makes you wonder about the
current "superhero" situation in Japan.
> Usagi's mother came up to
> Usagi's room and asked her,
> Mrs. Tsukino: "Usagi dear are you okay?"
MIKE: Oh, so this entire "episode" is just a parade of characters asking Usagi
if she's all right.
> Usagi turned around and said,
> Usagi: "Mother I didn't hear you come in. I am fine. Just thinking
> about my friends. I am worried about them." Usagi answered very
> softly.
SERVO: Wow. "Answered" her own statement, which wasn't even a question, without
saying anything.
> Mrs. Tsukino: "If you need to talk, I'll be here for you!"
CROW: [as Mrs. Tsukino] I'm emotionally frigid and distant, as always!
> Usagi's mother told
> her daughter.
GYPSY: Wow, this isn't very good. I'm not understanding any of this. [to MIKE]
Can you fill me in on the previous details?
MIKE: Remember what Crow said about the battles?
GYPSY: Yeah...
MIKE: That's pretty much it.
[stunned silence from GYPSY.]
> This made Usagi very happy that her mother would be there
> for her.
GYPSY: Wow, this fanfic sucks. I'm leaving.
SERVO: [to GYPSY, his new friend thanks to the Columbo vote] Aww, stay!
GYPSY: No way, Serv. When the 'Hart leaves, you can count the 'Gyps out.
[GYPSY goes screen left and crosses out the right side, going "behind" the
seats.]
> Usagi: "Thanks mom!" Usagi answered back with tears in her eyes.
MIKE: [as Usagi] You'll be there for me and everything! It's almost like you're
my mother!
> Usagi's
> mother went back down stairs. Usagi returned to the window thinking.
CROW: Does the Crystal Knight understand the concept of emotive flow? Or is his
idea of emotions just "on" and "off?"
>
> Meanwhile at the Ice Titan's palace...
> The Ice Titan said that he needed more henchmen.
SERVO: [sarcastically] As previously UN-seen.
> The Ice Titan mentioned
> Kunzite(Malachite) and Zoicite.
> Ice Titan: "I want those two henchmen found brought here!" Ordered the
> Ice Titan.
MIKE: [sarcastic] Oh, he has such a authoritative sentence structure.
> Morgoth: "How?" Answered Morgoth.
> Ice Titan: "Take these life discs. These discs will bring Kunzite
> and Zoicite back to life."
CROW: [confused] Did we skip a chapter here? [slowly getting carried away] Who
are these men? Why am I reading about them? [whining] I'm confus-s-s-ed... Mike,
hold me.
[MIKE obliges, patting CROW affectionately]
> Briskly ordered the Ice Titan.
> Morgoth: "Yes master!" Morgoth answered the ice Titan's order. Morgoth left
> suddenly for the land of Dark Kingdom dead.
SERVO: Am I going slowly and methodically insane, or did the Crystal Knight skip
a chapter?
MIKE: Yes and yes.
>
> Usagi had fallen asleep at the park.
CROW: Am I gradually turning into a raving psychotic, or was she previously in
her *room?*
MIKE: Yes and yes.
> Mamoru walked by and noticed that Usagi
> was asleep on a park bench. This was not like Usagi.
MIKE: [repetitively] --To fall asleep on a park bench, not like Usagi at all to
fall asleep at the park bench.
> Mamoru woke her up and
> asked her,
> Mamoru: "Are you okay?" Usagi woke up and saw Mamoru.
SERVO: [as Usagi] I *was* okay.
> Usagi: "Yes, Mamoru I am fine. I was thinking about about my friends when I
> felt tired and fell asleep." Usagi answered.
CROW: [as Usagi] I thank you for wakening me, as I was not being productive in
my studies.
> So Mamoru went on his way. Usagi
> started out towards Rei's temple.
MIKE: [sarcastically and in monotone] Because that is the logical thing to do of
course.
>
> In the Dark Kingdom of the dead, Morgoth searched and found Kunzite and
> Zoicite.
> Morgoth: "Come with me." Commanded Morgoth. Kunzite and Zoicite followed
SERVO: Wow, it sure took effort to convince them, didn't it?
> Morgoth put the Life Discs on Kunzite and Zoicite. They appeared in the throne
> of the ice Titan.
> The Ice Titan was pleased to see them. He commanded them and Morgoth and
> Robosniperdown
CROW: Oh, come on, the Megamen villians had more creative names!
> to destroy Crystal Sailor Moon.
>
> Usagi never made it to the temple. Morgoth, Kunzite, Zoicite and Robosniper
SERVO: Whoops, lost a word already.
> appeared. Usagi was surprised to see her old enemy had returned.
> Usagi: "I am not in a cheerful mood! I am taking it out on you!
MIKE: The authors' feelings shine through.
> Moon Crystal Enchantment Power! Make Up!" Cried Usagi. Usagi transformed into
> Crystal Sailor Moon.
> Kunzite and Zoicite was shocked to see Tsukino Usagi transform into Sailor
> Moon.
CROW: [sarcastic as hell] After all, it's not like the Ice Moron told them who
they were fighting.
>
> Crystal Sailor Moon was attacked by Robosniper and the others.
SERVO: Has all the oxygen I've been inhaling since my creation suddenly turned
into glue, or did we just read this scene?
MIKE: Yes and yes.
> Usagi got her
> communicator and called the others she had needed their help quickly. Sailor
> mars was the first to appear.
> Sailor Mars: "Mars Fires...Ignite!" Mars used her Fire soul attack. The others
> appeared. Each of them used their powers on all the monsters.
CROW: [sarcastic] Since to type in all of their pathetic dialogue would be too
time consuming, the Crystal Knight just decides to give the general
*impression.*
> Crystal Sailor
> Moon called for her Moon Crystal Staff and said...
MIKE: [as Sailor Moon] YOUR WEAPONS HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME!
> Crystal Sailor Moon: "Moon Crystal Staff Elimination!" Robosniper died.
> Morgoth, Kunzite and Zoicite disappeared.
CROW: Yet another pointless battle scene draws to an abrupt close. [sarcastic]
*Thank* you, Crystal Knight.
>
> Later Luna told Usagi that she was proud of her because Usagi fought very
> bravely.
SERVO: Yep, called her friends to her side and grabbed a stupid staff. What
courage.
> Usagi: "Luna I am sorry for ignoring you. I won't ignore you again. I
> promise!" Answered Usagi.
CROW: IS IT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT!?
MIKE: Evidently the Crystal Knight had some abandonment issues or something.
> Luna: "It's okay. I know you been pressured lately. I am very proud of you."
> Rei: "I am very proud of you. I look up to you more."
> Usagi: "Thanks. I am glad I have friends like you."
SERVO: [as Usagi] --Talking kittens, Japanese people with Caucasian features and
weird senile grandmothers who speak in monotone... I'm *so* happy!
>
> Usagi was not hurt. Her friends was still on her mind....
MIKE: ...Giving her immense inner pain.
>
> NEXT EPISODE: "WARNING OF DOOM TO USAGI!"
CROW: If only *we* were so lucky. At least *they* get a warning.
> Sailor Moon: The Past, Present and Future
> book 1 : prologue
>
> Okay Minna!
> This is my first fanfic. It will be long and take me along time to write
> it.
MIKE: Since it is long.
> I will really want to hear what you think so send comments and flames
> to
> jani...@nfld.com
CROW: So she works with the National and Federal League of Defenses?
MIKE: Umm, sure, Crow, whatever.
> I do not own sailor moon but I did recreate the outers because I have only
> seen Sailor Pluto.
SERVO: So, someone with incomplete knowledge of Sailor Moon writes a Sailor Moon
fanfic?
CROW: Hey, it worked for Tipper Gore's censorship committee.
> But they will be in it once i introduce them. If you
> want to use one of them let me know so I can read of their adventures.
> This starts in the past but will go to the present in part one but this is
> important so do not skip it.
MIKE: [soothingly] Don't worry, Janice, nobody was even *thinking* of skipping
the prologue.
CROW: Until you SHOWED them the possibility.
> bye Janice
>
> Prologue
>
> "Attack! Attack! The moon is under attack" yelled Sailor Earth as she ran
> into the training cental.
>
> "What??" yelled the others
SERVO: [as Sailor Earth] I said [falsetto] ATTACK! ATTACK! THE MOON IS UNDER
ATTACK!
>
> " how did you find this out?" asked Sailor Sun
MIKE: Well, how about if we all sit down and have a nice, long meeting to
discuss this policy.
>
> " You know that Beryl girl at the palace"the others nodded"well i didn't
> trust her so I spied on her. I heard her talking to Jedite about having a
> full attack tonight."
CROW: As opposed to a partial attack.
> said Earth
>
> " Jedite" said comet " boy is Mars going to be mad about this.Jedite a
> traitor.
SERVO: Hunker down, guys. We're in for a *real* doozy.
>
> "All the generals,are I don't even know if Darien is on our side so much
> of earth is not, I was attacked on my way to the portal and only got away
> because a still sane guard helped. I tellaported him to the moon
MIKE: When you *really* want to thank someone, say it with oxygen starvation on
a barren, dusty rock.
> and came
> here , we have to go now this war is ending tonight."said Earth.
>
> "Come on lets go" said Saturn.
>
> " no,go tellaports down " said Star
>
> " No one can fix it in time for us to get there" said Neptune.
CROW: [as Neptune] So let's just stay here and *talk* about it.
>
> " Lets take the old carriage then its fast we might get there e on it "
> suggested Uranus
SERVO: [as Uranus] Of course, all the horses turned back into mice...
>
> " Come on" said Saturn as she an the girls climbed in and speed away.
> ****************************************************************************
> *******
> " We're here everyone out qui"
MIKE: Dialogue edited by a pair of rusty hedge clippers.
> said Saturn as she hopped out.
>
>
> " what's wrong " asked Sun
>
> " Everything is destroyed,everyone's dead oh my God we're to late. said
> Saturn as she started to cry "what are we goanna do guys?"
CROW: [helpfully] How about if you *talk* about it?
>
> " They are not dead " said a voice.
> "Crystal" thought Star.
MIKE: [as Star] *That's* the type of chandelier I was trying to think of.
>
> " Where are they then? asked Earth
>
> " Serenity waned everyone to have a chance at life so she sent everyone
> good and evil alike to the future on earth" said Crystal
SERVO: So, one minute she mercifully sends all the evil guys to Earth, then she
turns around and kills them all? Isn't that sorta a waste of time?
>
> " What about the planet stones and the crystal" asked Comet
> " on earth, all planets will die
CROW: Are rabid chiggers pulling at my cranial nerve endings, or is Janice
implying that there are planets within Earth that contain life?
MIKE: Yes and yes.
> but earth for its stone is still safe and
> I will guard it from the enemy" said Crystal.
SERVO: [referring to his last statement] See!? See!? Couldn't Serenity have at
*least* sent them to a barren wasteland?
>
> " What about us ?asked Earth" I have the power to send you to earth like
> the others with no memory of this time but if I do this for you in the
> future you must do something for me. "said Crystal
CROW: Gone are the days when superheroes helped each other for Virtue and Good.
These days it's all "me me me." [sarcastically] God, I love the ninties.
>
> " Agreed" said Saturn
> " Very well"said Crystal
MIKE: [as Saturn] I agree.
SERVO: [as Crystal] Very well.
CROW: [as a USENET "Meower"] Me too!
> She then sent a blast of energy at them trapping them in moonbeam crystals.
> Since they were awake the could feel the oxygen level dropping and dropping
> until nothing else was noticeable. Just death and new life.
SERVO: "Death," Janice. Let's go with that.
>
> to be continued.......
CROW: Whoop-dee-sh--
[MIKE coughs loudly over the last.]
>
> Sailor moon and the girls will be in part one
SERVO: [falsely concerned] Gee, I was really worried that they wouldn't be!
> did the outers get to earth
> will they be found
CROW: Does anyone care?
> read part one for answers
MIKE: Or skip to part twenty for more questions.
> bye
> Janice
[commercials]
>
>
> Hi Minna
CROW: [as if he's typing] Did... not... appriciate... comments... regarding...
my story... repent immediately... yours... Janice.
> This is the first chapter of book one. My prologue was part of my second
> book
SERVO: Are Satans' foaming hellhounds playing frisbee with my central processor,
or did this mean that "book two" ended up coming *first?*
MIKE: Yes and yes, Serv.
> and is just to explain that the outers got to earth in a different way
> then the inners, it is important to remember this because it will be
> important later on.
MIKE: [comforting and sarcastic] Oh, we believe you, Janice.
> Oh and Crystal will be back later on then I will tell
> you just who she is but you won't see her for awhile.
CROW: Janice seems to think we *give* a crap about which characters she'll
introduce. Amazing.
> I do not own Sailor
> Moon I only change some of their personalities to suit me thank you.Send
> comments and flames to jani...@nfld.com
MIKE: So is this the end? My faithful friend - the end?
CROW: I think we'll be better off just taking that highway to the end of the
night.
>
> I know that at the beginning of this there is no action
SERVO: Well, on the bright side, at least she *acknowledges* the complete lack
of action, plot, and the rest.
> but I have not even
> brought the enemy in but don't worry there is action in this chapter
SERVO: I may have spoken too quickly.
> and
> most others so stick with it and read the conversations
MIKE: Do we *have* to?
> Okay here is chapter one
CROW: Wow. Just... wow.