MiSTing: Katira's Tale, part 3
Amanda Van Rhyn
> “You’re a very good player,” he commented. Katira just blushed a
> little and shrugged one shoulder.
(M&TB all attempt to shrug one shoulder. As a group effort, it’s
highly spastic-looking.)
> “It’s a part-god thing,” she said.
TOM: Do I have to say it again?
> Herc and Katira exchanged smiles over their common ground.
CROW: Yeah, yeah, we know, they’re part-immortals. Can we have a plot
now?
> Katira ran her fingers through her long, loose hair. She felt she and
> Hercules would become very good friends. Herc, too, felt that there
> would always be a special bond between him and his new-found comrade.
MIKE: Remember, kids: If they’re not your soulmate within an hour,
it’s a waste of time!
> “Exactly how are you part-god?” asked Herc. He was “whole god,” but
> his love for Meg had kept him mortal.
CROW: Nice. Did he buy her a ‘My Love for You Has Kept Me Mortal’
Hallmark card?
TOM: Crow, it’s ancient Greece.
CROW: All right, a Hallmarkius card.
> He was perfectly happy with that choice, though, and knew he and Meg
> would be together just about forever.
TOM: Well, until they *die*, because they’re both *mortal* and all
that...
MIKE: I’m impressed, Mr. Darkness.
> “If what I was told is correct, my mother was Erato, and-”
> she began.
MIKE: Ohgod. Don’t tell me we’re starting to deal with a really
twisted self-insertion angle here...
ALL: Augghh!
> “The Muse Erato?” asked Herc, interrupting her.
CROW: <Katira> No, the author Erato. She writes really crummy fanfic
about... oh, never mind.
> “Yeah. Anyway, so Erato was my mother, and some half-god dude
MIKE: There's no Greek word for 'dude', is there?
TOM: No, but I think we already did a joke about the whole anachronism
thing.
> was my father. I forget who he was. Maybe some relative of Orpheus, or
> something.
TOM: So, she said she had no idea who her parents were, but know she
suddenly knows, and her mother and the author person have the same
name and AAAGHHH! (Tom’s head begins shooting sparks) Oh no!! Mike,
can you put me out... and did I just lose all my RAMchips??
(Mike digs a fire extinguisher out from under his seat
(hey, it comes in handy at times like this) and sprays Tom’s head.
Tom begins cleaning up his dome.)
MIKE: Weelll... technically, that should forfeit your RAMchips,
but since I’ve given Crow so much leeway, it’s forgivable.
TOM: Woowoo!
MIKE: But keep in mind... one more mistake for either of you and
Gypsy and Cambot are going to end up with all those ‘chips...
BOTS: Aaagh!
> I don’t know, but I sure want to. I just wish there was some way I
> could become a real goddess, instead of just mostly goddess.
MIKE: <Miracle Max from _The Princess Bride_ > She’s only *mostly*
goddess!
> On Olympus I wouldn’t have to worry about money, food, clothing, or
> anything else, like I do now,”
ALL: <singing> It’s always Christmas in Olympus...
> she said, with a soft sigh.
TOM: si... de of Sears!
CROW: Laaaaame.
> She looked over her ragged dress and other possessions that were
> equally tattered,
MIKE: How do you tatter a flute? Isn’t that physically impossible?
> and shook her head. One of the saddest looks that can be put on a
> person came into her eyes.
MIKE: Quickfire!!
CROW: ='( ?
TOM: :~( ?
CROW: =(((((((( ?
TOM: =’@ ?
MIKE: Nice emoticons... although how you pronounce those, I’ll never
know.
> Herc just looked at her. The poor girl was totally broke and penniless,
TOM: This message brought to you by the Dept. of Redundancy
Department!
CROW: Ah, the old jokes are the best.
> and she didn’t deserve it.
MIKE: Well, we all know that nearly all the other homeless and poor
people deserve their fate! Right?
(Bots glare at Mike.)
MIKE: Um, joke... lame one, but a joke...
> He reached into his pocket,
CROW: <Hercules> Yessss, Precioussss.... Yess....
> and pulled out his own purse of money. He gave another look at Katira,
> and tossed it to her. She looked up, surprised, and
TOM: Had a heart attack and died! The End!!
MIKE: Tom, that gag has never worked. You even told Crow that earlier.
Give it up already.
> picked up the pouch. The coins inside tinkled, a sound Katira hadn’t
> heard for a long time. She opened the bag, and poured the coins out at
> her feet.
CROW: <Katira> Wow, 20 pieces of silver! Where’d you get this?
> She’d never seen, nor touched, this much money before in her whole
> life. She felt torn. She wanted to keep it all for herself, but felt
> her friend should be able to keep some too. So she took out the very few
> coins, which were battered to being nearly worthless, she had in her
> pouch with the pita bread,
TOM: Wow, that’s *hard* pita bread if it can batter coins like that.
> and divided all the money in half. She put one half in her pouch, and
> tried to give the rest back to Hercules. He smiled and shook his head.
> “You keep it, Katira. Believe me, I have plenty back home,” he
> said, laughing. Katira giggled a little as well.
MIKE: <Katira> Tee hee! The concept of personal wealth is funny!
> “No one’s ever given me a gift like this before. I don’t know how to
> thank you,” she said, gratefully planting a kiss on his cheek. She
> thought for a while, and then took her bread out from her pouch, split it
> in half, and offered one piece to her friend.
TOM: Wait, isn't there mildew in that pouch?
MIKE: Well, if her possession are "equally tattered", then yes.
> Since it had been a while since he’d eaten himself,
CROW: Eeeewwwww, self-cannibalism?
MIKE: Gross, yes, and dark, but not dirty. Go on.
> he graciously accepted it. Katira went to her largest bag, containing
> all the possessions she owned, and she drew out a small wineskin.
TOM: <Katira> Now, let us commence the Dionysian rites!
> She herself had made the juice,
CROW: Wait, don’t grapes make grape juice?
> while the sun and her travels had made it into wine. From the tree, she
> pulled off two pieces of bark,
MIKE: <Entish voice> Hoom! You’ll pay for that, hooman!
> and after folding them a few times, fashioned them into two cups.
> She divided the wine, and gave one to Herc, and kept the other for
> herself.
CROW: <Westley from _Princess Bride_> One of these cups contains
iocaine poison...
> He was sort of surprised at Katira’s skills with nature, since she was
> the only girl he knew who could do that. In fact, he’d never known how
> either.
TOM: Crow... I believe that was your cue...
CROW: No! You can’t trick me into surrendering my RAMchips!
MIKE: C’mon, guys, can’t we all just get along?
> -Wow. She’s so much like Meg, and yet, she’s definitely different.
> Meg was on her own for a while. I wonder if she can make little cups out
> of bark.- thought Herc, even though he never said it. A rather cold
> breeze blew, and he realized it was already nightfall.
TOM: You see, it was a *dark* and *stormy* night...
> Katira knelt, and started up the campfire. Another surprise.
MIKE: <Hercules caveman voice> Haha! Women no make fire!
> Then Katira took her bread and held it over the fire.
CROW: <Katira> Ow ow ow!! Maybe I should put this bread on a stick or
something and toast it that way!
> Soon, it was lightly toasted and warm.
(M&TB hum the After Dark Flying Toasters Song.)
> It seemed like an interesting idea, so Herc tried it too.
TOM: This is starting to remind me of Torgo's last scene from
_Manos_.
CROW: Oooooh... I'd take Torgo over this Hercules any day.
> Unfortunately, he wasn’t as skilled as Katira, and accidentally
ignited
> the bread. Katira laughed, and took it from him.
MIKE: <Katira> Burnt bread?! Gimme! Mine!
> She blew gently on the bread, and when it had stopped burning, took her
> knife and carefully scraped away the charred parts until there was only
> pita bread left. Then she gave it back to Herc.
> “You never learned to cook, did you?” she asked slyly.
CROW: Y’know, slyly is like banana... you can spell it, but you have
to know when to stop...
TOM: Yeah! One bad circuit and it’s slylylylylylylylylylylylylyly.....
> Trying not to laugh, Herc shook his head. All the same, they shared a
> round of laughter. Herc thought she had such a pretty laugh.
> Pretty looks, pretty voice, and a pretty laugh,
CROW: But a cruddy personality and a tendency towards kleptomania...
> or so he felt.
MIKE: Wow, Hercules is synaesthetic! He can feel laughter!
> Another gust of wind blew, and Katira put her things away, and sat right
> by Herc. She leaned against him, and let her head rest on his shoulder.
TOM: Mike, hold me.
MIKE: What??
TOM... then pick me up and take me out of the theater.
It’s break time.
MIKE: Ah. OK.
(M&TB file out of the theater)
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[Scene: SoL Bridge. A TV monitor has dropped from out of nowhere
and is now sitting on the bridge. Crow and Tom are in their usual
places, with bowls of popcorn, when Mike walks in.]
MIKE: Whoa! What happened to the psychic hotline?
CROW: We moved it to the load pan bay, and there’s a tape of me on
constant loop for the poor suckers. Heh... they’ll never know the
dif. Anyway, come watch with us!
MIKE: Ummm... watch what?
TOM: Well... after watching all this Disneyfication of an ancient
myth, we decided we wanted to see what would happen if that same
approach was added to our travails on the satellite! So we had Cambot
work up something...
MIKE: And let me guess... you’re just about to watch the resulting
clip, right?
CROW: Ooh, you’re batting a thousand, Mike. C’mon, just watch.
Cambot, roll the clip!
[Our attention moves to the TV monitor, which quickly takes up the
entire frame. The film begins rolling... we see the typical MST3K
planet intro, except now it’s “Happy Fun Disney Theater 3000”. From
now on, the characters in the film will be referred to by “Disney
<name>”, while the actual characters watching will be “Real <name>”.]
[The HFDT3K scene is vaguely like the Satellite of Love, except that
it’s a lot brighter and more pastel. Needless to say, this is all
jerkily and cheesily animated. Our Disneyfied heroes enter... Crow
and Tom are very similar to their normal selves, albeit with
rounded-off edges and a pastel color scheme. Mike, however, looks
very much like Hercules in a jumpsuit.]
REAL MIKE: <offstage> Now that’s something I can live with.
DISNEY MIKE: Hi, everyone! It looks like it’s gonna be another lovely
day on the Satellite of Love! Isn’t it, Crowie and Tommy?
DISNEY CROW: <in a higher, ‘cuter’ voice than real Crow> Oh, yes
indeedly doodly, Mike! I wonder what wonderful movie our friends on
the planet will send us today!
DISNEY TOM: <again, in a higher, cuter voice> Oh, golly yes! It’s a
world of laughter and fun up here, etting to watch all of those
wonderful Disney classics with my dear friends!
DISNEY MIKE: Speaking of dear friends, where’s Gypsy? It can’t be a
nice day without Gypsy!
[Disney Gypsy enters. She basically looks like someone mounted the
Gypsy head on the body of any other Disney heroine. If you’ve ever
seen a Disney film, you get the idea.]
DISNEY GYPSY: <unbelievably high> Hello there, boys! I’m sorry, I had
to make myself all pretty. Tee hee. Have the nice planet people
called us yet?
[The Mad Light flashes. It’s pink this time. Disney Mike gets it.]
DISNEY MIKE: Hello, planetbound friends?
[Scene: Disney Castle Forrester. It’s scarily like the Cinderella
Castle. The Mads are there: Pearl looks a lot more Disney-heroine-ish,
Bobo most closely resembles King Louie from _The Jungle Book_,
and Brain Guy is... Brain Guy. Not much you can do to make him
Disneyfied.]
DISNEY PEARL: <high voice> Hello, snugglebunnies! Tee hee. Is
everything just scrumdiddlyumptious up there? It sure is here!
[Disney SoL]
DISNEY MIKE: You bet, Mrs. F!
[Disney Castle Forrester]
DISNEY PEARL: Oh, that’s just fabulous! Anyway, we have a
*wonderful* all-time Disney classic for you today! It’s called
_Hercules_, and I’m sure you’ll just eat it up! Tee hee. Have fun!
[Movie Sign goes off]
DISNEY MIKE: Look! We have Disney-classic sign! Let’s go; we can’t
miss a minute of the wonder!
[The Disney Door Sequence. Very bright and sparkly and happy and
vaguely nauseating.]
[We see DM&TB settling into their theater. The Disney castle logo is
already on the screen.]
DISNEY CROW: Oh boy! Another magical movie to make thoughtful and
complimentary comments about! I never get sick of this!
DISNEY TOM: Me neither, Crowie!
REAL CROW: <offstage> All right, Cambot, we’ve seen enough. Turn it
off.
[The Disney scene stops. We return to our real heroes. They all look
vaguely disgusted.]
MIKE: That was... disturbing.
TOM: I feel ill.
CROW: Cambot, why?
[The Fanfic Sign goes off.]
MIKE: Never mind, we’ve got DISNEY SIGN!!
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(The Theater. M&TB get settled.)
> Despite his love for Meg, Herc made no effort to change her position.
> A long lock of Katira’s hair slipped out
TOM: Sounds like a job for Rogaine!
>and fell over his shoulder. As he began to replace it, he discovered
> Katira had fallen asleep.
MIKE: So, just to add to all of the personal problems suffered by
this character, she’s also a narcoleptic?
> She stirred slightly,
CROW: Although the recipe called for frappe.
> and put one hand on his arm, while pillowing her head
MIKE: It happened that day she picked some strange pussy willow.
Her head swelled up white, and soft as a pillow!
BOTS: Foul! Illegally geeky Tim Burton ref!
MIKE: Awwwwwww...
> on his shoulder. Very carefully, so as not to disturb her very much,
> he gently picked her up, and carried Katira over to the pile of skins
> and the blanket, putting her down on them. He spread the threadbare,
> tattered blanket over her, and she smiled contentedly in her sleep once
> she was in her rather crude bed. After a while, he too, fell asleep.
MIKE: Now there's a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am for you.
> The next morning, Katira awoke a little earlier than usual.
TOM: Ah, so today she woke up *before* noon?
> She sat up, and at first was a little surprised to see Hercules sleeping
> nearby, until she remembered the day before. She smiled at him, and then
> climbed the tree she was under, bringing down two apples for breakfast.
TOM: <Hercules> Oh, good. I was just about to ask if you were gonna
make some breakfast now...
CROW: <in an unusually preachy tone of voice> You sick, dirty-minded
little bot.
TOM: Oh, look who’s taking the moral high road now that your
RAMchips are at stake!
> She did her usual morning rituals,
MIKE: The Reading of the Sacred Newspaper, the Sugaring and
Creaming of the Venerable Coffee, the Application of Lox and Cream
Cheese to the Most Holy Bagel...
> and yet, when she returned, Herc was still asleep. She knelt down beside
> him,
CROW: <to Tom, in the same preachy tone> Don’t say *anything*,
you perv.
MIKE: Wow... are you all right, Crow?
> and nudged him gently, saying his name. After several efforts, he
> finally woke up.
> “Ah, the Sleeping Eros awakes at last,” she said, jokingly sarcastic.
MIKE: The real Eros, not getting the joke, impales both of them on a
barbed arrow.
> Not quite fully awake, he at first thought he was back at Thebes,
> and Meg had come in to wake him up.
CROW: <preachy voice> We’re not going to say anything about that,
right, right??
TOM: I worry about you, dude.
> Then he got a better look at his companion, and remembered he was in
> Katira’s camp instead. He smiled, and Katira reached out a hand to help
> him up. Unfortunately, she didn’t know about his godly strength,
> and was instead pulled to the ground.
MIKE: Godly strength? More like godly gravity problem...
> “Sorry,” he apologized.
TOM: <sarcasm sequencer> Oh, no! I thought that if he’d be saying
‘Sorry!’, he’d be laughing sarcastically or something! He apologized
instead; what a shock!
> “It’s okay, but come on, it’s time for breakfast,” said Katira,
> climbing to her feet, and brushing off her torn skirt. She tossed Herc
> his apple, while taking a bite out of hers.
MIKE: <Katira> This snake got me a great deal on these...
> She ate quickly, and then put on her frayed cloak, also gathering up her
> purse and flute.
> “What are you doing?” he asked.
> “Getting ready to go to town. Are you coming along?” she asked, with
> a hint of eagerness in her voice.
> “Sure, as long as you’ll help protect me from screaming fans,” he
> said, teasingly.
CROW: <his normal voice> Wow, all two of them? Oh, that’s better...
MIKE: What?
CROW: Some circuitry the other guy programmed. It makes me act
over-moralizing for a certain period of time after duct tape is
applied/removed from my beak. There *is* a really good reason,
though. Please don’t ask.
MIKE: I won’t.
> “Aw, cut it out! Come on, hurry up,” she said, giggling. In two
> steps, about eight of Katira’s, he was at her side. Together, they
> walked into town, trying to stick to the back roads so as not to be too
> obvious. Using Katira’s usual routes, they slipped into the agora,
> with Katira having to step quickly in order to keep up with her friend.
> They walked by the bread stand, and as usual, Katira stole a loaf of pita.
MIKE: I'm having flashbacks. This thing's on a continuous
loop.
BOTS: AIEE!
> She didn’t think anyone noticed, for the moment.
TOM: I enjoy the challenge of trying to sympathize with a
recently- rich-klepto-and-completely-unashamed protagonist,
don't you?
(Mike and Crow groan)
> “Put it back, Katira,” said Herc. She looked up at him, and he didn’t
> look too happy. She tried putting on her charming smile. It didn’t
> work on him.
> “Oy vay,” mumbled Katira under her breath.
CROW: I’d say something clever here, but I think all the
anachronistic-and-culturally-inappropriate-epithets and
completely-bastardized-mythology jokes have been done in this fic
already.
MIKE: I feel your pain.
> “Put it back, Katira. Either that or pay for it. I won’t have you
> stealing anymore,” said Herc, a little more insistent.
TOM: Hercules portrayed by Hugh Beaumont!
> “Okay, okay. Fine. I’ll pay for it. Sheesh,” she grumbled.
> Katira obediently paid, and put the bread in her purse.
MIKE: <Katira> There, if we get lost in the woods again, we can
sprinkle a trail of bread crumbs.
> Unfortunately, Herc’s scolding had attracted the attention of some of
> the nearby shoppers,
CROW: <as over an intercom> Attention Agora shoppers! Blue-light
Hercules special on Aisle 5!
> and it wasn’t long before the mob of screaming teenage girls came running
> up to Herc.
ALL: <very high falsetto> JOEY!!!!!!!!!