MiSTing: [Ratliff's] Dear Isabella II/The Only Constant [2/3]

[Jamas Enright]

>
>
>
>Chapter Three

ALL: (singing) A-B-C! 1-2-3! Baby, you and me!

>
> The starship Stargazer held at station keeping just above Deep
>Space Nine. Below them Captain Sisko was about to attempt to close the
>wormhole. The crew of the Stargazer hoped they would be successful.

CROW: The Paramount executives hoped they would fail.

>They had heard what had happened to the listening stations, the Sarajevo
>and other starships, and Bajor's colony in the Gamma Quadrant. They did
>not want it to happen here.

TOM: (as crew of Stargazer) We don't want to be plot devices made up by
Ratliff!

> Deep Space Nine opened fire. A beam shot out at the wormhole.
>It opened and the fire continued. Then Deep Space Nine ceased, but the
>wormhole didn't close. Instead a fleet of Jem'Hadar warships emerged.

MIKE: (as Sisko) Whoops! That was the "Make a Jem'Hadar Fleet" button, not
the "Close the Wormhole" button! Sorry, guys! Our bad!

> "Hold your fire, Duvek," Captain Washington ordered.
> The Jem'Hadar ships turned, but that wasn't the only ship
>moving. A Klingon Bird of Prey moved from the Alpha Quadrant lines.
>"What is Dad doing," Dukat Mikor wondered.

CROW: Attempting to fix the blatant discontinuity between the regular Star
Trek universe and the Ratliffverse.

> "Captain, the Defiant is hailing the Klingon ship," Lieutenant
>Lavelle said from Ops. "Tight beam response from the Klingon ship."
>There was a long pause. "Transmission has ended. Defiant reports
>Cardassians have joined the Dominion."

TOM: (as Defiant) Just take our word for it.

> Captain Washington and Lieutenant Commander Picard turned to
>face the ship's Cardassian First Officer. "I haven't been informed of
>such an action. Not even a hint of one," Glinn Gusat responded.
>"Lieutenant, can you open a channel to Cardassian Central Command. I
>wonder if they know about this." As he spoke, the Jem'Hadar ships and
>Gul Dukat's ship warped toward Cardassia.

MIKE: (as Lavelle) That's a pretty stupid order...

> "You heard him, Lieutenant," Washington confirmed.

MIKE: (as Lavelle) But, OK!

> "Aye sir," Lavelle responded. And after a moment spoke up
>again. "Legate Dudar, commanding Central Command on screen."

CROW: Ah! Babar's nephew in California!

> "Glinn Gusat, what is this nonsense about the Dominion," Dudar
>inquired.
> "It seems Gul Dukat has been very busy. He says he's been
>negotiating with the Dominion in order to merge with them," Gusat
>responded.

(All clear their throats)

> "Ridiculous," Dudar responded.
> "I don't know Legate, but that fleet I just saw warping your way
>didn't look like it was coming for a vacation," Marrissa spoke up.
>"Lavelle, transmit our readings on that fleet."
> Dudar looked down at his console, then quickly back up at them.
>"I had no idea, and I can be pretty sure that my government had none as
>well," Dudar pleaded. "Can you do anything to help. My fleet can't do
>anything against that."

TOM: (as Dudar) But I'm sure your one ship with Marrissa aboard can take
care of them easily!

> "I'll see what I can do," Washington promised. "Meanwhile I
>suggest you set up a resistance." The channel closed. "Lavelle, I want
>continuous monitoring of Cardassian Space. Gusat, come with me.
>Picard, deal with our visitors from the past. Lochard, you have the
>bridge."

MIKE: (as Washington) Let's avoid a Ratliff battle scene if we can help it,
ladies and gentlemen.

>
> Marrissa Picard entered the Fighter Conference lounge of the
>Stargazer. The room was designed so that she could debrief all 49 of
>the ship's fighter pilots at once. Today it seemed vacant with only the
>dozen crew members of the spaceship Stargazer seated around the second
>table. "Sorry it took so long for me to get to you," she apologized.
> "That's OK, Commander," Chelsea Clinton responded. "I'm sure
>this ship puts a lot of demands on your time."

CROW: (as Marrissa) No, I'm just inconsiderate.

> "You don't know the half of it," Picard responded. "I've talked
>with Starfleet, and we don't think that returning you to the
>twenty-first century would be a good idea or even possible. Especially
>since your disappearance was a primary force in the formation of the
>United Earth Space Probe Organization, from which Starfleet comes from."
> "How can that be Commander?" Ensign Deigo asked.

TOM: Plot convenience for an author who wants Chelsea to marry Wesley. Ick.

> "Ten days after your ship's disappearance, it was discovered
>that the Chinese had a ship that was just entering Saturn orbit when you
>disappeared," Marrissa explained. "It was felt that if the Chinese had
>known, perhaps they could have saved you. Coupled with an earlier
>disappearance of the Yorkshire from Jupiter orbit and the destruction of
>the Osaka in route to Mars, it lead to the formation of the UESPO. The
>disappearances showed the dangers and the rescue of the Osaka's crew by
>the crew of the Apollo showed that cooperation could save lives."

MIKE: So, if it weren't for Americans dying, no one would have cared?

> "OK, so what is going to happen to us?" Lieutenant Commander
>Shoemate asked.
> "Well, you do have the option to join Starfleet at your current
>rank," Marrissa stated. "You'd have to go though a couple years of
>training, probably, with some of you that may be on the job training,
>like I have gotten. If not, then the Office of Displaced Persons and
>Colonization will help you adjust to modern times and assist you in
>finding a home."

CROW: (as Marrissa) Right after we have another preachy episode telling
us not to discriminate against those whose sexual orientation is
"footwear".

> "That's all well and good for long range, but what about
>immediate plans?" Deigo asked.
> "We will be transferring you to Deep Space Nine and then taking
>you to Earth when the next Starship departs for there." Marrissa
>responded. "Your ship has been docked at Deep Space Nine's upper pylon
>two, not an easy job. You can retrieve your stuff from her at any time.

TOM: (as Marrissa) You know, your bermuda shorts, your CD Player, your
underwear collection. Stuff.
(Mike and Crow shake their heads.)

>She will be taken with you to the Fleet museum orbiting Neptune."
> "Commander, I'd like to make a request concerning my ship's
>return," Clinton asked. "I'd like to return her to Earth orbit on her
>own power and then take her to the museum myself."
> "I'll pass it along," Marrissa stated. "But I see no reason why
>your request can't be granted."

MIKE: (as Marrissa) Other than the fact that it should take you a few
million years...

> "Thank you Commander," Clinton thanked. "I assume you have
>quarters assigned for us on Deep Space Nine?"

CROW: (as Marrissa): Slave quarters, yes.

> "Yes, and I've also convinced the Fleet to pay you the current
>rates for your service since you launched from Earth," Marrissa stated.
>"Since NASA had a pay on return policy, I figured it was due to you. So
>you all have two years worth of pay at your current ranks in the
>accounts I set up for you."

TOM: Which is fairly meaningless, since they don't use money anymore.

> "Thank you commander," Clinton responded. "How you pulled that
>one off, I don't know."
> "Simple," Marrissa said.

MIKE: (as Marrissa) Rabidly American author.

> "I have a very good Yeoman assigned to
>me. I asked her to find out any way to get you some starting cash,
>because despite what most of the Federation claims, money is still
>something one needs.

CROW: Only if Chelsea and company plan to deal with a lot of Ferengis.

> She found the clause that merged the UESPO into
>Starfleet, and a similar clause for the NASA merger into UESPO. And
>then she discovered that you hadn't been paid for two years. I just
>convinced Starfleet Payroll to pay up. They're still calculating the
>hazard pay for temporal travel."

TOM: You know you're pretty well off when Starfleet computers can't calculate
your pay.

>
> A hundred or so Cardassians who had been stationed on the
>Stargazer gathered in her fighter bay. Captains Washington and Sisko,
>and Glinn Gusat stood before them. "Gentlemen, Cardassia is now a part
>of the Dominion," Glinn Gusat announced. "As such, they are now
>withdrawing us from the Stargazer. Joint operations are now ended. A
>warship will be picking us up at 0700 hours tomorrow morning. Now
>Captain Sisko has an offer for you."

MIKE: (Italian) It's an offer you can't refuse.

> "Gentlemen, we have reason to believe that the take over by the
>Dominion was not peaceful," Sisko began. "Several executions of
>Cardassian leadership have been broadcast including the head of the
>Detapa Council and Legate Dudar. Therefore, the Federation is offering
>Political asylum to any one who believes that their life may be in
>danger upon their return. Now Captain Washington would like to have a
>word with you."

CROW: (as TV announcer) Don't answer yet! Look at what else you get! Now
how much would you pay?

> "Gentlemen, I've found you all almost without exception to be
>some of the best officers that I've had the honor of commanding,"

TOM: (as Washington) The one exception is Marrissa.

>Captain T'Gwen Washington responded, without showing a sign of emotion.
>"I have made such notations on your records for the personal review
>which Glinn Gusat just completed with the assistance of Commander
>Picard. Commander Picard has a gift for her fighter pilots before they
>leave. Please stop by her quarters.

CROW: (as Washington) She's gonna put on a dashiki and blow your mind!
MIKE: Crow! Think about who we're talking about!
CROW: Oh yeah. Whoops! Sorry about that, Mike.

> It's been an honor commanding you.
>Dismissed."
>
>
>
>Chapter Four

ALL: ...on the floor.

>
> Mekor stood nervously in front of a door in the habitat ring.

TOM: First date.

>He'd never met his half sister Ziyal. He'd been at the Cardassian Space
>Academy when she'd come home with his father, and his mother had
>promptly thrown both his father and Ziyal out. He pressed the button.

CROW: (as you-know-who) Press the button, Frank!
MIKE: I don't know, Crow. In five hundred years, I think that impression has
lost something...

>"Coming," a voice called from within. Moments later the door opened.
>The young Cardassian woman who answered it had less defined ridges and
>her noise was almost Bajoran, but that was to be expected of a half
>Cardassian half Bajoran.

TOM: She's Cardassian-lite!

> She was wearing a dark gray and maroon dress.

MIKE: (as Bugs Bunny) Watta maroon.

>"Who are you?" she inquired.

CROW: (as Ziyal) *What* are you?

> "I'm Dukat Mikor, and I'm your half-brother," he responded.
> "Did father send you?" Ziyal replied, hostile in tone. "Because
>if he did you can go right now."

TOM: (as Ziyal) I'm not paying the postage!

> "No, and I'm not sure if I want to see him again," Mekor
>responded. "Can I come in?"
> "All right, but I'd advise not telling father," Ziyal responded,

MIKE: How is he going to tell their father if he never sees him again?

>moving aside so her brother could enter. "He's not happy with me right
>now."
> "Oh?" Mekor asked, entering the room.
> "He doesn't like the fact that I spend time with Garek,"

CROW: No one does, dear.

> Ziyal
>replied as they walked over to her couch and sat down. "It's not like
>there are a lot of other Cardassians round to talk to. That and the fact
>that I don't approve of what he's been doing to Cardassia."

TOM: (as Ziyal) That mauve shade will *never* do!

> "I'm not happy with him either," Mekor stated. "I've been
>enjoying my post on the Stargazer. I've just been promoted to wing
>commander, and

MIKE: (as Mekor) I'm getting along great with Mark Hamill.

> become the first Cardassian to receive the Star Fleet
>Medal of Honor. And now all of that is gone."

CROW: I call no way! How did a first officer of a ship that was never in a
significant or dangerous battle receive Star Fleet's highest honor?

> "Father seems to love ruining his children's lives," Ziyal
>responded.

TOM: Well, Ratliff loves ruining his readers' lives.

> "It's his way or no way," Mekor responded. "And Cardassia comes
>before all."
> "I only know one person who can get her way with him," Ziyal
>said. "No one messes with Major Kira, but Dad isn't listening to anyone
>now."
> "Do you think I should return to Cardassia?" Mekor asked. "Sisko
>says I don't have to. But I don't know what I want to do."
> "This may sound kind of selfish, but stay here,"

MIKE: (singing) Just a little bit longer...

> Ziyal
>responded.
> "What would I do, and how would I support myself," Mekor asked.
> "You're a pilot with a Starfleet Medal of Honor, it shouldn't be
>too hard for you to find a job," Ziyal responded. "After all I have
>one."
> "Where?" Mekor asked.

CROW: (as Ziyal) Token minority!

> "I work and Garek's Taylor shop as a seamstress and saleswoman,"
>Ziyal responded. "I'm in charge while he is away."

TOM: Oh, now Ratliff's just giving us the Torgo jokes! He's not even trying
anymore!

> "So it's strictly a professional relationship," Mekor stated.
> "Currently," Ziyal responded. "That and he tells me a lot about
>Cardassia."
> "You sound like you'd like more," Mekor responded.

MIKE: The first one's free...

> "Yes, but it's none of your business," Ziyal stated defensively.
> "Hey, I'm your brother," Mekor replied. "Younger, but still I'm
>supposed to make sure all your dates are enough good for you."

CROW: Mekor and Garak are going to go have a fight behind the soccer field!

> "I assume that means you're staying," Ziyal asked.
> "I guess I am," Mekor said. "I better go talk to Captain Sisko."
>
> Jon Shoemate walked into Quarks. Quark noted the young man as
>he proceeded over to the bar. Quark had heard about the crew of the
>Stargazer from a conversation between Dax and Sisko earlier in the
>evening. He figured that they'd be easy marks.

TOM: (as Quark) I've got a new holosuite program involving a pair of Nike's!
High tops!

>
> Jon looked over the large eared alien, boy things were strange
>in the future. "Well since I'm off duty and likely to stay that way,
>I'll have a Budwieser."
> "I'm afraid I don't know what that is," Quark responded.
> "A beer," Jon said, wondering how the alien had missed that ad
>campaign, then realized that it had been some time since the Stargazer
>had last been seen.

MIKE: Brand names have disappeared, while money has not?

> "No that I can handle," Quark said. "They're are plenty of
>openings at the daubo tables."

CROW: 500 years of time travel, and what does this guy get? Liquor and
gambling.

> Shoemate figured that was the name of the gambling game he'd
>seen on the way in. "No thanks. I'm still getting use to this time. I
>don't need to get use to being in debt too." "I also have
>holosuites available," Quark replied.
> "What are those?" Shoemate inquired as Quark placed the beer in
>front of him.
> Quark smelled an easy mark. "With a holosuite you can go where
>ever you want if you have a program to do so," Quark explained.

TOM: Or if you can just give a vague description.

> "How about a Atlanta Braves game, from about 1990," Shoemate
>asked. "As a fan."
> "You're in luck," Quark responded. "Captain Sisko is a big
>baseball fan, although his team is called the London Kings. I happen to
>have all 6 games of the 1992 World Series."
> "How much for one game," Shoemate asked. "In federation
>credits."
> "10 thousand," Quark responded.
> Shoemate knew that was ridiculous, that was a sixth of what
>Star Fleet had given him for his two years as first officer on the
>spaceship Stargazer. Judging from the fact that this station, which
>he'd been informed use to be an ore processing station, had them,
>holosuites had to be something that took less than four months pay of a
>Lieutenant Commander. "1 credit," Shoemate responded, hoping to let
>Quark know that he wasn't buying it.

MIKE: Sir, you offend me!

> "You must be joking, 2 thousand," Quark responded. "And I'm
>losing on it."

CROW: Quark must be descended from those same people that make video games
that take four quarters to play.

> "You're joking, I could by a bar for that," Shoemate replied.
>He knew from Quarks counter that he was changing way over cost. "2
>credits."

TOM: (as Count Von Count) TWO GLORIOUS CREDITS!!!! Ah ah ah ah ah ah!!!!!

> "5 hundred," Quark responded. "And you couldn't buy my bar for
>four times my original offer for the baseball game."
> "5 credits... and I'll take two games, the winning ones,"
>Shoemate replied.
> "10 credits each, and a credit if you want popcorn," Quark said,
>abandoning his attempt at over charging for the holosuite as he saw Odo
>approaching.

MIKE: (as Odo) No free enterprise allowed here, Quark!

> "7 credits each," Shoemate stated.
> "9 credits and popcorn included," Quark stated.
> "Add another beer and you have a deal," Shoemate said.
> "Agreed, you drive a hard bargain..."

CROW: Not a very good businessman, is he? Talked down to less than one
one-thousandth of his original price...

> "Jon Shoemate."
>
> Marrissa Picard and Chelsea Clinton where walking down the
>Promenade. Marrissa had changed into one of her conformable jumpsuits,

TOM: Marrissa just has to dominate everything!

>and Chelsea was wearing one of her NASA uniforms as that was all she
>had. "So you say this Garek makes good clothes," Chelsea asked.
> "Well he made the dress that got me on the best dressed list
>this year," Marrissa responded.

MIKE: How can someone who normally goes around in a military uniform make a
best dressed list?

> "And he's the only one who I know that
>makes comfortable dresses. His shirts and pants aren't that bad either.

CROW: (as Marrissa) I sneak into his closet when he's not around.

>As for his conversations ... well he use to be a member of the Obsidian
>Order before they kicked him out, so he'll try to get every last bit of
>info from you."

TOM: (as Marrissa) Like your *real* sizes! Can you believe it?

> "You mean he's a spy?" Chelsea asked.
> "Former, the Obsidian Order exiled him," Marrissa confirmed.
>"And that order is gone as a result of an attack on the Dominion home
>world by them and the Romulan Tal'shiar. Now Garek is just a witty
>tailor."
> They reach Garek's shop. Beside the door was a sign in English,
>Bajoran, Cardassian, and Klingon stating Garek's Tailor Shop,
>alterations, and special orders available. Garek Elim owner. Next to
>it was a picture of Marrissa in a stunning navy blue evening gown.

MIKE: It reminded his customers on credit to "pay or else".

>Below the picture words read proud tailor of this year's best dressed in
>the Federation winner Princess Marrissa of Essex. (According to People
>Magazine).

CROW: I refuse to believe that People has survived for nearly four hundred
years, including a nuclear holocaust.

> "Nice dress," Chelsea commented.
> "I had to wear something to the ball that Victoria had for my
>fifteen birthday," Marrissa responded.

TOM: (as Marrissa) I was going to go in my birthday suit, but Victoria
insisted otherwise.

> "Lets go in."
> Inside Ziyal was sitting by a display table, hand sewing a
>ruffle onto the collar of a man's dress shirt. She looked up. "Good
>afternoon Ziyal," Marrissa stated. "Is Garek in?"
> "He's still in the Gamma Quadrant, Marrissa," Ziyal responded
>with a touch of sadness. "How may I help you?"

MIKE: That's a long lunch.

> "My friend Chelsea needs a whole wardrobe," Marrissa stated.
>"All she's got are these NASA uniforms and they're not exactly stylish."

CROW: But, apparently Starfleet uniforms are.

> "Agreed," Ziyal replied. "Let's see you'll need something to
>relax in, some daily wear, and something formal.

TOM: (as Ziyal) Something borrowed, something blue...

> Let's start with the
>daily wear..."

MIKE: Oh, please no. I don't want to see the fascinating "Chelsea tries on
new clothes" scene.

>
> A couple hours later Chelsea and Marrissa left Garek's.

MIKE: Thanks, Ratliff!

> Chelsea
>was wearing a new dark green polo shirt (Ziyal had pulled the design
>form some archives Garek had purchased) and black slacks. Marrissa had
>a new hat to go with the spring dress that she'd got for the diplomatic
>reception on Bajor next week. She may have not liked dresses, but she
>knew that she couldn't get away with wearing the uniform to all of
>functions she had to attend. Besides, dresses from Garek's fit right.
>Suddenly Deep Space Nine's Red Alert Siren went off.

CROW: Marrissa liked *those* sort of dresses.

> Marrissa tapped
>her communicator. "Picard to Stargazer, Deep Space Nine's alarms just
>went off, what's going on."
> "This is Captain Washington. We've detected warp signatures
>approaching from Cardassia. Report aboard immediately."
> "Aye sir, Picard out. Chelsea, I'd return to your quarters,
>and pray that we stop this. Stargazer, one to beam up."

TOM: (as transporter officer making fake "static noises") What was that?
Kkuuuuhhhh! We can't hear you! Kkuuuuhhhhh!!!!
MIKE: Why don't we leave while they get these transmission problems ironed
out?

(*...1...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Control Room. Complete Darkness.)

MIKE: Crow? Tom? Gypsy? Cambot? Where are you guys?
TOM: We're all here, Mike!
MIKE: Crow, can you get us some power?
CROW: Oh, give me a minute, Mike. I think we can blame this on Servo. His
foot seems to have knocked the Power Supply Controller out of its
socket.
TOM: Crow, I don't *have* feet!
GYPSY: Mike, I'm detecting a large vessel outside!
MIKE: Alright. Calm down, everyone. Gypsy, give me Rocket number nine, try
to find some identifying markings.

[The hexfield opens up to reveal an obvious model of a Nebula-class starship
with the words "USS Stargaser" upon it.]

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shimmering lights flash, and angelic music is heard as Marrissa {actually
Bridget Jones} appears in a Starfleet uniform.]

MARRISSA: Hello, mortals! I'm here to rescue you!
MIKE: Oh no, you're not! Somebody contact the planet!

[CP. Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are telling stories.]

BOBO: ...and that's when I knew that it was my destiny to be a great mountain
gorilla... (breaks down sobbing).
PEARL: Well, isn't that.....
OBSERVER: Uh.... fascinating!
PEARL: Yes, fascinating is a good word.
BOBO: Then, after that tick bath, I decided to...
PEARL: Check on how the boys upstairs are doing! How goes it, Nellbell?

[SoL. Mike and the 'bots {Gypsy too!} come running on screen from left to
right and back off, screaming.]

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Marrissa glides by in the same direction.]

MARRISSA: Wait, mortals! We must get back to Deep Space Nine at warp five!

[CP. Pearl, Bobo and the Observer seem shocked.]

BOBO: Yikes.
PEARL: Brain-guy, while I love to watch Nelson, the red nosed temp, suffer,
that omnipotent wonder-brat is going to ruin the experiments!
OBSERVER: I'll see what I can do.

[SoL. Our heroes come on to the screen running in the opposite direction and
back off again.]

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Marrissa glides back in. Her communicator beeps. Marrissa taps
communicator.]

MARRISSA: Marrissa here.
VOICE: [Paul Chaplin] Goddess, we have just learned of a party.
MARRISSA: You mean, I'll have another chance to win a best-dressed award.
Prepare to set course, warp nine.
VOICE: But your magnificence, the speed limit!
MARRISSA: Quiet, mortal! This is another award we're talking about!

[Marrissa disappears. Our heroes run back in from the left, and stop midway.]

CROW: She's gone!

[CP]

PEARL: You can thank Brain-guy for that one.

[SoL]

ALL: (make various expressions of profound gratitude)
MIKE: Thanks, guys! We owe you one! Anytime you need a favor, you let us
know!

[CP]

PEARL: Well, right now, you can go back to this (sarcasm) thrilling literary
masterpiece!

[SoL]

MIKE: We've got fanfic sign again!