[MSTing] FFFFFF! (Part 1 of 6)
Shay_...@letterbox.com
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The Final Fantasy Fan-Fiction Fun Fest!
MSTing by Shay Caron
Part 1 of 6: Part of "MSTing: MSTing: MSTing: Final Fantasy 7", by
Cedric Henry/Jamie Jeans/Cedric Henry/Square
This MSTing has been rated:
ANIME for the Final Fantasy and Chrono Trigger content (I don't quite
get that, but all the other FF MSTings on WS#9 are listed there),
XOVER for the mixing of Final Fantasy 3 and Chrono Trigger, and
MST for the meta-meta-meta-MSTing of a Final Fantasy 7 transcript.
Note: I lost the e-mail address of whoever wrote "New Returners", so I
couldn't get permission. I even asked alt.games.final-fantasy, to no
avail. Sorry.
[ In the not too distant future... Introduction theme music (Season 9). ]
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ Satellite of Love. Mike is standing in the middle of the room, leaning
toward Cambot. ]
MIKE: [ quickly ] Hi, everyone. No time to chat. Seems *someone* uploaded a
virus into Crow, and--
CROW: [ rushes across the screen, from the left side to the right, flailing
his arms around and bouncing up and down; there's a pair of underwear
on his net ] Noogies! Noogies for all!!
MIKE: Well, you get the picture. Tom and Gypsy are hiding in the theater, and
I'm trying to figure out--
CROW: [ rushes by, from right to left ] Spank the monkey!
MIKE: --how to save his mind.
CROW: [ rushes on-screen from the left, jabs at Mike with a spork ] En guard!
MIKE: I'm guessing it's too late.
CROW: [ waving his arms like a rap star ] C'mon, stick yo' hand in the ham!!
[ He runs off-screen to the right. ]
[ The Commercial Sign flashes. ]
MIKE: Pardon me; [ Mike picks up a large crow bar. ] I have to apply severe
disciplinary measures. [ He walks after Crow. ]
CROW: [ o-s ] Aaah!! The football is attacking me!!
[ MST3K planet bumper. ]
<BANG>
[ Commercials ensue. ]
[ SOL. Crow's net is severely dented. ]
CROW: Thanks, Mike. I needed that.
MIKE: No problem.
TOM: Next time, let me hit him, okay?
MIKE: I'll... think about it.
[ The Mads Sign flashes; Mike taps it. ]
TOM: What's the news, Huey Lewis?
[ Castle Forrester. A huge banner, turned so that we can't see what's written
on it, is hanging from the ceiling. Balloons and streamers and confetti (oh
my) are strewn across the scene. Pearl's wearing a party hat; Observer has
one on under his hood, which looks really silly. Pause here for a second to
take in this scenery. ]
[ SOL ]
MIKE: Whoa, what's the occasion, Mrs. F?
[ CF ]
PEARL: Well, guinea pig, today is a very special occasion. It was partly
Observer's idea; I'll let him explain. Brain Guy?
OBSERVER: Yes, well, after Bobo played through Final Fantasy VII for 74 hours
straight, I realized that the aforementioned Square RPG series is
very popular to you who are as amoebas to us. Therefore we have
declared this to be--the Final Fantasy Fan-Fiction Fun Fest!
[ The banner falls, revealing its words to be just that--FFFFFF for short.
Trumpet fanfare. ]
PEARL: And in celebration of this momentous day, we've got two absolutely
gigantic Final Fantasy-related servings for you to see. Our first load
of RPG mayhem is entitled "MST: MST: MST: Final Fantasy VII".
Basically, Cedric Henry MSTed FF7, Jamie Jeans got mad and MSTed that,
and then Cedric MSTed Jamie's MSTing of his MSTing. After that is the
even bigger "Final Fantasy III: The New Returners", which is a
crossover between FF3 and something I won't tell you. Enjoy!
OBSERVER: By the way, where is Bobo?
PEARL: He just got Final Fantasy Tactics.
OBSERVER: Uh-oh.
BOBO: [ off-screen ] Which button do you press to make the thing do things?
[ SOL ]
CROW: So, Final Fantasy.
TOM: I guess so.
[ The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]
MIKE: Here we go. It's FFFFFF Sign!
[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> (6...5...4...3...2...@...)
TOM: Deja vu!
CROW: @biteme.com?
MIKE: "WWW.dotcom.COM".
>
> (Mike and the 'designers
TOM: Is that like "'bots"?
MIKE: Only we say it just "bots".
> walk into the theater)
> Mike: So why are we watching this?
MIKE: That's still what I want to know.
> Joel:
CROW: So, you *and* the other guy. Not you. Not him. Both.
MIKE: Great.
> I think this person is riffing us riffing Final Fantasy 7.
ALL: And we're riffing you!
TOM: Isn't that "riffing on"?
MIKE: Either way...
> Mike: I guess they were right. Our jokes really sucked.
MIKE: At least he's honest.
CROW: And probably correct.
TOM: At least he's not talking about how great his MSTings are.
> (The author drops in)
ALL: Waaaugh!
TOM: Self-insertion, ho!
> Bill:
TOM: Bill?
CROW: I've got a fuzzy feeling.
TOM: Is this like Chad?
> Cedric! What are you doing here?
MIKE: No, *that's* like Chad.
> Cedric: I heard that I was being riffed on. I can't wait to MiST this!
> Kevin:
TOM: Now I feel woozy.
> Sweet!
TOM: Hey! My pain is nothing to laugh at!
>
> Hello everyone!
ALL: Hi, Doctor Nick!
>
> Cedric: Welcome to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood!
CROW: Mr. Rogers scares me.
>
> This is the seventh fan fic that I have MSTied and
>
> Joel: I still haven't gotten it right.
MIKE: We're going to be saying "speak for yourself" often throughout this,
aren't we?
TOM: Probably.
MIKE: And we'll be commenting, "pot, meet kettle", won't we?
CROW: I'd say so.
MIKE: Just checking.
>
> all I
> have gotten so far are
>
> Kevin: Letter bombs, hate mail, and human feces.
TOM: I like him.
> Mike (with Joel): KEVIN!
MIKE: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell hole" when he could have
said "peepee-soaked heck hole".
TOM: Cheerfully withdrawn.
>
> compliments so I must be doing something right.
MIKE: So? If you got a lot of compliments for destroying every Congressman on
Earth, would that make it right?
CROW: Uh, Mike, that *would* be right.
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
>
> Cedric: Only in your opinion. And a lot of people who didn't read the
> disclaimer.
CROW: "Disclaimer: if you don't like it, tough."
>
> A
> friend told me about this and, after reading it, decided that this MST
> must be MSTied
TOM: MSTinks vill be MSTed ovah!
> simply because the person is dissing FF7.
CROW: You have a different opinion than I do, so I must insult you.
MIKE: Yes, this's a case of the pot and the kettle getting into an all-out
slugfest.
TOM: Well, what does that make us?
MIKE, CROW: Um...
>
> Cedric: HEY! I just thought FF7 would be fun to MiST! It was my first
> one!
> Don't be too hard on Chrono Trigger!
TOM: When did he say anything about Chrono Trigger?
CROW: Which "he"?
TOM: The "he" that's writing the second MSTing.
CROW: Pardon?
TOM: You know! The MSTing that's MSTing the MSTing of FF7!
CROW: Aaaargh!!
>
> Dear Cedric,
> please have a good sense of humor
TOM: WAAAAAH, HAH HA HAH HAH... hee hee... HAR HAR!!
MIKE: Not *that* good!
>
> Bill: Um.... Cedric, why is your letter in the same paragraph as your
> insult?
> Cedric: I dunno. And look! I'm supposed to TRY to have a good sense of
> humor! Okay, Sam!
TOM: I thought someone said it was Jamie that was MSTing the first MSTing.
MIKE: Danged if I know.
>
> when you read this for I am only MSTing
> your MST.
CROW: So, in review, we're doing a MST of a MST of a MST of a MST of a
Playstation RPG.
MIKE: It's on the PC now, too.
CROW: Please kill me.
> Someone did it to me and all I did was laugh at it
CROW: [ Krankor ] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
> since it
> was
> pretty funny.
>
> Anyhow, the legal stuff:
>
MIKE: Thefollowingisbasedonan800yearleaseanddoesnotincludetaxtagsinsuranceor-
anactualcarwegetyourhouseandyourchildrenandyourkidneys--
> Mike: Batteries not included.
CROW: Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
> Bill: No Canadian coins.
TOM: Offer valid in 49 out of 50 states. Sorry, Tennessee!
> Kevin: This is a Ratliff story.....
ALL: AAAAAAAAH--
TOM: Heeey, he almost tricked us!
> Cedric: ..... All spelling errors are to be ignored.
ALL: You misspelled "ingored"!
> Joel: Tax and gratuity not included.
>
> Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all of it's characters
> and concepts belongs to Best Brains INC.
MIKE: Hey! I belong to myself, thank you very much.
TOM: I am not a concept!! I am a HUMAN BEING!!
MIKE: You're a robot, Tom.
TOM: Never let facts get in the way of a joke.
> Please don't sue
MIKE: Sic the lawyers on her! Him. Her. What is Jamie, exactly?
CROW: Beats the heck out of me.
TOM: I think they're--
> for I am
TOM: Yeek!
CROW: Feeling a bit philosophical?
> merely
> using your characters and not making any claim to them. Samantha Jones,
> however, is a character of my own design and thus belongs to me.
TOM: Aha! Jamie's a girl!
MIKE: How do you know?
CROW: C'mon, Mike! It's obviously a self-insertion MSTing!
>
> Cedric: Wow! So she's not Samantha Jones? She was born acting like her!
> Talk about living your part!
CROW: Looks like he's got the same idea.
>
> Let the show begin!
MIKE: Oh, no need.
TOM: We'll be fine just sitting in the theater for 15 minutes.
> ________________________________________________________________________
CROW: ------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MIKE: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
BOTS: Hey!
MIKE: I've been practicing.
>
> "Hey Samantha! You almost done in the shower," Mike called out.
CROW: I'm gonna like this!
MIKE: That sounds like a command. "You are done in the shower! Done, I say!"
TOM: [ Mike ] Can I join you?
MIKE: Hey!
>
> Kevin w/Bill: Eegah-chuckah, Eegah-chuckah...
CROW: Dancing baby! Duck and cover!
> Joel: I can't stop this feeling!
MIKE: Was the other guy always like this?
BOTS: No.
>
> The temp, dressed up in his housecoat,
CROW: What's a housecoat?
MIKE: Maybe one of those big sweaters you put over your home.
TOM: Saves on heating costs!
>
> Joel: No, "Jumpsuit." Mike always wears a jumpsuit.
MIKE: So does he have cameras in my underwear drawer or something?
>
> is holding a spare set of clean
TOM: Underwear.
>
> Mike: Jumpsuits.
CROW: Suspenders.
>
> clothes
MIKE: Accordions.
>
> Mike: D'OH!
TOM: Homers.
MIKE: What's wrong with accordions?
CROW: What *isn't*?
>
> in his left hand and a bottle of shampoo in the other. Behind him
> stands
>
> Kevin: The five Mrs. Buchanans....
CROW: I have no idea what that meant.
>
> Tom Servo and Crow,
MIKE: Now, not to be picky, but that should be "stand". Plural subject,
plural verb.
CROW: You are being picky.
MIKE: I know.
> both dressed in similar housecoats.
>
> Cedric: And the robots are usually nude.
CROW: And how does Cedric presume to know everything about our clothing
habits?
TOM: Is he stalking us?
>
> The sound of
> running water being tapered off to a stop can be heard from the
> bathroom.
TOM: Oh, it *can*, can it?
> The sound of someone moving about could then be heard.
>
> Joel: Flag on the moon. A woman's purse. A man murdered.
MIKE: A shot rang out! A woman screamed!
>
> After that, Samantha
> Jones,
BOTS: Woo-hoo!
> dressed in a thick housecoat,
BOTS: D'oh!
>
> Bill: Apparently, the author likes housecoats.
CROW: Yeah.
TOM: Say, Mike, as long as nothing's happening right now, I've got something
to ask you.
MIKE: OK, shoot.
>
> stepped out of the bathroom.
TOM: How come, all of a sudden, so many MSTing authors are switching from
script formatting to prose in the host segments?
MIKE: I don't know. I suppose it's better for expressing the feelings and
thoughts of the characters.
>
> "All yours Mike. I hope you can get that last fan fic off as good as I
> did.
TOM: When done right.
MIKE: Not in this case, though.
> Although for some
>
> Cedric: people, this isn't all that funny.
MIKE: There's one now!
>
> reason, I still feel dirty," the redhead said.
TOM: When Dr. Seuss writes MSTings.
CROW: "I do not like green eggs and bread; no, not at all," the redhead said.
>
> Joel: So she's not Sam Jones?
CROW: And what relation does that comment have to *anything* we've seen so
far?
> I thought so!
>
> "Me and Crow felt the same after watching Eegah
TOM: Eegah! Eegah bundalo!
> with Joel. Luckily, a
> shower does help," Tom said.
>
> "I know. It's just that...that lemon...."
CROW: [ Sam ] It was... sour!
TOM: [ Sam ] It was... yellow!
MIKE: [ Sam ] It was... a fruit!
> Samantha shuddered at the
> vague
MIKE: Shudder.
> reference to
>
> Mike: Helping paws?
MIKE: Ouch.
> Games?
BOTS: Ouch.
>
> A-ko: The College Years Part 2.
ALL: Ou-u-uch.
CROW: Cut it out!
>
> Cedric: Wait till you get to Tenchi and Oh my Goddess!
TOM: I just hope we'll have to do a *lot* of waiting.
CROW: Waiting is okay in my book!
MIKE: Don't hurry on our accounts!
>
> "Well we have a while left before the next experiment
>
> Kevin: So she was in that shower for a week?
CROW: Shouldn't she be wrinkled up one side and down the other by now?
MIKE: Giant pink prune emerges from shower! Woman missing, presumed...
missing!
>
> so you can take a
> second
MIKE: Helping of slaw.
TOM: [ LeChuck ] Curse the villains! They never give you enough slaw with
these value meals!
>
> Joel: (Crow) To read my fanfiction.
CROW: Hey!
> It's called "Dear Isabella IV."
CROW: HEY!!
TOM: Does this count as defamation of character?
>
> shower after we're done," Crow said.
>
> "Thanks. Hey guys, aren't you afraid of rusting?"
MIKE: Let's find out. [ points to the left ] Look! Zap Rust-dower!
BOTS: AAAAAAAA!! [ duck down ]
MIKE: It's true!
>
> Bill: Well, Crow and Tom are made from non-rusting metalloids.
CROW: [ gets back up ] What's a metalloid?
TOM: Sounds like one of the characters on "Transformers".
>
> "Nah. There's an oil bath in the bathroom that we use.
MIKE: We have an oil bath?
TOM: We have a bathroom?
> Got the
CROW: Thing with a "Buy 46 Get One Free" coupon.
> inspiration
> to get one installed after watching Star Wars," Tom explained.
>
> Mike: I think Samantha must be blind, not
CROW: [ Mike ] Noticing my hot bod!
MIKE: Thank you, that will be quite enough mockery of this alternate me.
> seeing that entire oil bath!
>
> "Oh." Samantha then noticed the red light flashing. "Looks like the
> Bleeding Brothers
MIKE: 2000.
CROW: Do y'think that movie was any good?
TOM: Not a chance in the world.
>
> Joel: Hey! That's not a cultural reference!
>
> are calling." She tapped the flashing red light.
CROW: Is the Mads Sign red? I thought it was yellow.
TOM: That's Movie Sign.
CROW: No, Movie Sign is all of them.
MIKE: Commercial Sign is the yellow one, you guys.
TOM: Commercial and Mads? What's the middle one for, then?
MIKE: *THERE* *ARE* *FOUR* *LIGHTS*!!!
>
> "You're getting good at that," Crow said.
MIKE: Shouting "there are four lights"?
>
> Kevin: Tapping the button?
TOM: Oh, so that's what they're calling it nowada*SLAP* Ow.
>
> DEEP 13
>
> Bleeding is exactly the word to use to describe both Frank's and Dr.
> Forrestor's
CROW: And seven Franks ago.
>
> Cedric: No, it's "ForrestER." There's a difference.
MIKE: Cedric here could be compared to Dr. Thinker.
TOM: How so?
MIKE: Well, he's putting in plenty of comments, but he forgot the humor.
>
> condition. Their noses are broken and covered in blood
> stained gauze, plus both each supported a cast on their arm arms and
CROW: Department of Redundancy Department.
MIKE: You know, in the DNRC, there are at least 20 Ministers of Redundancy
Ministers.
TOM: Hey, you need all that you can get that you need.
>
> Cedric: No comment. Just a bad typo.
TOM: Sneezed while they were typing.
>
> legs. Frank had a broken left arm and right leg while Dr. Forrester had
> a
> broken right arm and left leg.
CROW: So combined, they're a quadriplegic?
>
> Mike: YAY!
MIKE: Gee, I never realized how much I enjoy the pain of others. Perhaps I
should seek therapy.
>
> In the background, it appears as if the laboratory that is Deep 13 has
> survived the rampage of the Irishmen
CROW: That'd be a cool rock band name. Rampage of the Irishmen.
TOM: It's a Rampage of the Irishmen-load of savings at Menard's!
> as well as the doctor and his
> assistant.
>
> Joel: Were we supposed to read something before this?
> Bill: No, it's like Leonard Part 6 or The Mob Frog Saga (Duckman Comics
> #1.)
>
> Various scientific
CROW: Doohickeys.
TOM: Thingies.
MIKE: Doodads.
CROW: Thingamabobs.
>
> Cedric: Stuff. You know. The stuff over there? Yeah. Scientific stuff.
>
> equipment and several pieces of furniture
> are
TOM: In the description, but when you look at them, it just says "I don't
know the word 'furniture'."
>
> Kevin: Unstylish without an insurance warranty. That's what you get for
>
> buying it at Schniderman's.
CROW: Schniderman's. Ooo-kay.
>
> laying in a broken heap upon the floor to the left of the camera's
> view. Even the camera itself had been damaged in the rampage,
CROW: Cambot! Nooo!
>
> Mike: Oh, it's that fun Xatrix game!
> Cedric: I like Duke Nukem 3d better.
>
> listing to
> the right by about thirty degrees.
>
> "Oh very funny Canadian,"
MIKE: You mean, "Oh very funny Canadian, eh?"
CROW: Yeah, those Canadians are just laugh riots.
>
> Cedric: No, Wisconsinian.
> Joel: He's reffering to Samantha.
TOM: Wow! A self-insertion character is *wrong*!
CROW: What are the odds?
>
> the doctor said for lack of a better retort.
CROW: [ Beavis ] Butt-munch!
TOM: [ Butt-head ] Dillweed!
MIKE: OK, I'm cutting off your MTV access.
CROW: Can't, Mikey-boy. I get 47 channels through my skull.
> "When I get Deep 13 up and running again, I'll be sure to send *you* the
>
> rest of that A-ko lemon."
>
> Joel: So you sent it to them before, Mike?
> Mike: I dunno..... Pretty bad grammar here.....
TOM: Isn't the standard ellipse only three periods?
MIKE: Kids today... Always using five periods where three'll do...
CROW: Maybe he's a Monty Python fan. "Five periods--"
MIKE: "Three, sir."
CROW: "Three, three periods."
>
> SATELLITE OF LOVE
>
> "That threat won't work against me Doc! I survived that lemon which
> means
> that I can survive *anything* you send up here!" she said defiantly.
>
> Cedric: I suspect a bad Megane 6.7 imitator here.
CROW: Never heard of him.
> Joel: Hey! Maybe that's Megane 6.7 acting like Sam Jones!
TOM: Or maybe it's Sam Jones acting like Megane 6.7 acting like Sam Jones!
MIKE: Or maybe it's Jamie Jeans, not Sam Jones!
CROW: Or maybe no one here could care less!
MIKE: I'm changing my answer to that.
TOM: Me too.
CROW: Copycats.
>
> To her side, Crow and Tom are shaking their heads and mouthing
>
> Mike: the words to the play. Samantha had forgotten her lines *again!*
MIKE: Where art fore you, Romeo?
TOM: Et tu, Bluto?
CROW: Four score and seven pickles ago...
>
> for her to stop.
>
> Kevin: That joke isn't funny anymore. Too many people are using it.
TOM: Mike just never learns.
MIKE: Hey, now! I haven't done that in ages!
> Cedric: Glad I didn't.
>
> DEEP 13
>
> As Dr. Forrester started speaking into the camera,
CROW: [ Dr. F ] What TV's Frank doesn't know is that we've hidden a nuclear
detonator inside his pants. Let's watch the fun!
MIKE: That does sound like something Dr. F would do.
> Frank lurched over
TOM: Uhhhh... you rang?
> to
> the
> smashed remains of a file cabinet. Bending over,
ALL: Noooo!
> a difficult task that
> made
> him say "OW" every ten seconds,
[ Everyone flinches. ]
>
> Bill: So we're watching a crippled guy trying to open a file cabinet in
> at
> least 20 seconds.
MIKE: Sad, isn't it?
>
> he searched through the remains of the cabinet
> for a minute before bringing out a very small pile of paper.
>
> Mike: It's "papers."
MIKE: Papers, papers, papers.
CROW: Papers, papers, and more papers.
TOM: Papers, papers, bacon, papers, eggs, papers and SPAM.
> Cedric: No, it might be "paper."
> Mike: Just one sheet? This should be short!
>
> "Anything? Well then, prepare yourself for the slandering of a great RPG
CROW: One that sucks, that is.
MIKE: Is that sarcasm? I can never tell with you.
CROW: Just trying to stir up the flame bait a bit.
>
> Cedric: Well, not as great as Chrono Trigger.
> Joel: You just can't beat 16 endings!
TOM: Even if you have a really big stick?
MIKE: There's only 10.
CROW: No, he's right. There's 16.
MIKE: The official strategy guide only mentions ten.
CROW: So you find it inconceivable that they could have made a mistake?
TOM: Now then, getting back to things that actually matter...
>
> game. I don't know about the rest of you but I especially liked that one
TOM: OK, so I was wrong.
>
> part near the beginning.
CROW: You know, the thing, with the part, at the beginning that was really
neat...
> Frank! Send the fan fic up!"
>
> Kevin: Hey! I just realized something!
> Bill: What?
MIKE: [ Kevin ] Dogs don't sweat!
CROW: [ Bill ] No!
MIKE: [ Kevin ] Seriously!
> Kevin: This is a fanfic itself!
> Joel: So?
> Kevin: So we might actually have a chance at being "RaTLIFFed."
CROW: What the heck does that mean?
TOM: Any relation to MSTed?
> All: (gasp in mortal terror)
>
> Frank tried to carry out his order
>
> Mike: in a plastic bag. The bottom broke and the milk burst open.
>
> at top speed but
TOM: Idled and crashed into the Frank ahead of him, halting the race.
CROW: The Frankanapolis 500.
MIKE: Frankazoid!
> tripped and fall on
> his face. A low moaning "ow" could be heard in the air.
>
> "Oh you dummy!
MIKE: You poopy-head!
TOM: You ugly-face!
CROW: You booger-brain!
>
> Joel: I guess Forrester's brain was damaged as well. He's repeating
> insults
> from first grade.
CROW: So how does this change things?
TOM: Hee hee, good one!
>
> Do I have to do everything myself?"
MIKE: If you want everything done right.
>
> Frustrated, the doctor picked up the fan fic and tossed it into the
> umbilicus, sending the fan fic up to the satellite.
TOM: When are we going to get to Final Fantasy VII?!
>
> Mike: That only leads up to Gypsy! She would just try to spit it out
> into space!
>
> SATELLITE OF LOVE
CROW: Look on the bright side. They spelled Satellite right.
>
> "You just had to do it, didn't you?" Crow snarled.
>
> "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to," Samantha replied.
>
> "Didn't mean to do what," Mike asked, coming onscreen, dressed in
MIKE: Absolutely nothing.
BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHH!!! [ twitch, twitch ]
MIKE: That was kind of fun.
> a blue
>
> Joel: Jumpsuit.
>
> housecoat
>
> Joel: Aaarrgggh....
>
> and drying his head with a big pink towel.
MIKE: I don't have pink towels.
TOM: I still don't remember us having a bathroom.
>
> Cedric: Get one of the GOOD fanfics up to the sattelite.
TOM: Were you saying something about 29 lines ago, Crow?
CROW: I favor the death penalty for any MSTie who can't be bothered to spell
"satellite" correctly.
MIKE: You'd think *our* fans would remember to spell-check.
>
> "Samantha riled Dr. F up enough to send us another fan fic. Something
> about the slandering of a great RPG," Tom explained.
>
> Cedric: You mean Chrono Trigger?
CROW: OK, he officially has an obsession. I'm making that official now.
>
> Before Mike could comment, the lights and sirens went off, causing the
> usual pandemonium.
>
> Joel: I...... am General Chaos.
MIKE: I am here... to ensue.
>
> "OH WE'VE GOT RPG SIGN!!!!"
TOM: Who said that?
CROW: We've got Ventriloquist Sign!
MIKE: And General Chaos ensues.
>
> (DOOR SEQUENCE) 7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
CROW: This is, what, the third door sequence since we began?
TOM: If you count the real one, yeah.
>
> Cedric: There is no seventh door! I should know!
TOM: [ Cedric ] I am lord and master of all knowledge pertaining to MST3K!
>
> Mike
MIKE: What?
>
> Joel: Stepped over the air grate that prevented Tom Servo from entering
> on his own.
MIKE: OK, thanks for that useless and unfunny trivia.
CROW: We all appreciate it.
>
> took the second seat and placed Tom in the third while Crow took the
> first and Samantha sat in the fourth.
>
> SAMANTHA: Look guys, I promise never to say anything when Dr. F calls,
> okay?
TOM: [ Sam ] In fact, I'll never ever speak again, ever.
> TOM: Well all right. Just please don't let it happen again! We've been
> taking a beating from the last few fan fics he's been sending up lately.
>
> >MISTing: Final Fantasy 7
CROW: And we have FF7, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you!
TOM: Finally!!
> CROW: Well at least we know this fan fic is about Final Fantasy 7, but
> what
> is with that MISTing?
CROW: Oh, come on, even I know what "MSTing" means!
TOM: Even Mike knows what "MSTing" means!
MIKE: Yeah--hey!
> MIKE: Maybe the computer screen misted over
TOM: I repeat: MSTinks vill be MSTed ovah!
> and the guy could not finish
>
> the fan fic.
> SAMANTHA: Very bad joke Mike.
>
> Cedric: I agree!
>
> >By Cedric Henry (henr...@northernnet.com)
CROW: "Henryfam"?
TOM: At least it's not "Lobsterboy".
>
> Cedric: That is a real server. Look it up.
>
> TOM: (Cliché Canadian accent) Check out the Great White Net eh. You're a
>
> hoser if you don't eh.
CROW: Good one, Tom! They are so dumb!
>
> Joel: No, he's Minnesotan. That's not a canadian accent. Minnesotans
> talk
> Norwegianish.
MIKE: Whatever you say, other guy.
CROW: He's really not usually like this.
>
> SAMANTHA: Please don't do that again. You know that Canadians don't talk
>
> like that.
ALL: They don't?
>
> Mike: Hey! I think Joel can communicate to this fanfic!
>
> MIKE AND BOTS: (Surprised) They don't?
ALL: Aaack!
>
> Joel: I think..... Sam is going to make fun of Cedric's fanfic without
> reading
> the disclaimer.
>
> SAMANTHA: (Sighs heavily)
CROW: [ Sam ] You are so right. I hate it when you're right.
>
> >Okay, now for the legal crap that everyone tosses away:
TOM: OK, more stuff before we get to Final Fantasy VII.
MIKE: My head may explode.
BOTS: Wait in line.
> >Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
> >situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All
> >rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
> >entertainment
> >purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
>
> >held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
TOM: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know that!! Geez!
CROW: Getting impatient?
MIKE: Personally, I can wait.
TOM: Yeah, well, the sooner we get to FF7, the sooner we get to the end of
FF7, and the sooner we get to the end of this meta-meta-meta-MSTing!
MIKE, CROW: Good point.
> > So don't
> >get all
> >riled up over nothing, er, until I finish this!
> >Oh yeah, and the same goes for Final Fantasy 7 by Squaresoft....
> MIKE: What the heck? What's going on here!?
MIKE: I am not that dumb. We've seen fan MSTings before. Please don't make me
look that dumb.
CROW: You might as well be walking on the sun, Mike.
>
> >Any and all comments toward Squaresoft and Final Fantasy 7 are all
> meant
> >all in fun, so don't get mad or flame me.
TOM: Bite me, in other words.
>
> Cedric: Yeah, Sam! Listen! I'm not really riffing the game!
>
> You'll notice, if you look closely,
> >that
CROW: A backward message stating "SATAN EATS CHEEZ WHIZ" is hidden somewhere
in this MSTing.
TOM: Can *you* find it?
> no comments are made toward the game itself. Also, Joel, Mike and
> the
> >'bots HAVE,
> TOM: Why is he writing about us?
MIKE: Because we're so happy and lovable.
>
> Bill: For the same reason we're writing about YOU, Sam!
CROW: Because someone can't take a joke?
>
> SAMANTHA: I don't know. I'm only the guess here.
TOM: [ Sam ] I guess. I'm not sure.
>
> Mike: The role of the guess IS a serious role for any actor.
>
> >contrary to popular belief, made fun of decent movies (a la
> >"Day the Earth Froze, Sinbad, and Hercules." They just made fun of the
> >CHARACTERS and the SETS,
MIKE: And the PIE.
TOM: And the SLEEEEEP!!
> TOM: And just how does this guy know all this stuff? Does he have
> someone on
> board to monitor us? (Looks at Samantha)
TOM: "And they'll monitor his mind!" Sound familiar, Tom?
>
> Joel: Nope! Cambot reccords everything that happens!
>
> SAMANTHA: Oh don't go looking at me! I have as much an idea about what's
> going
> on as the rest of you guys do!
> CROW: Something strange is going on.
> MIKE: You can say that again.
CROW: Cliched joke ahead.
> CROW: Something strange is....
> MIKE: You know what I mean.
CROW: [ Mike ] Not that I do.
>
> >not the writing and directing itself.
> >"Day the Earth Froze" was actually Universal-International's only good
> >movie! Just because it's old doesn't mean it isn't good!) Also, I have
> >played the game full and through, contrary to even MORE popular belief,
MIKE: If you've never heard it before in your life, is it popular belief?
CROW: I don't know, Mike.
MIKE: 'Cause I never have.
CROW: I know, Mike.
>
> >so don't flame me at ALL! I know what I'm talking about! And I don't
> even
> >OWN Tobal No.1! ;)
MIKE: Huh?
>
> Cedric: That was based on a flame that I got saying that I based my
> opinions
> on the demo disc.
MIKE: Uh, thank you, Cedric.
>
> SAMANTHA: Uh...Okay.
MIKE: My thoughts exactly.
>
> Cedric: Hey! I can talk to this too!
>
> >(Season 8...or 9? theme)
TOM: I forget which.
>
> Cedric: I keep hearing.............. this melody in myyyyy
> earrrrrrrsssssss........
TOM: Somebody get it out! It's stuck!!
> Joel: Shameless South Park 'Net Short film reference!
> Kevin: Visit mrhat.simplenet.com!
MIKE: Unless your school or workplace has banned that site.
CROW: Death to Net Nanny!
> Mike: Furious Frosty!
>
> >(SoL)
> MIKE: (Thoughtful) SOL?
CROW: [ Mike ] I know that the OL stands for Outta Luck, but what's the S?
> (Shocked)
CROW: [ Mike ] I just figured it out!
> Satellite of Love!
>
> >(Crow and Tom Servo are playing Final Fantasy 7 on the desk)
> ALL: (Everyone looks at the screen, absolutely dumbfounded for a few
> moments,
MIKE: [ groans ] This is nothing new, Jamie. "MST Adventures"?
TOM: Dr. Thinker?
CROW: "The Project"? We're used to it, pal.
> especially Samantha. She looks at Tom and Crow beside her and then at
> them
> up on the screen).
>
> Cedric: ALL RIGHT! I WAS DESPERATE FOR A HOST SEGMENT!
>
> SAMANTHA: All right!
MIKE: [ Sam ] I was desperate for a reaction to that host segment!
> I smell something pod people-like about all this.
> TOM: Please don't mention that movie. Brings back nightmares.
>
> >Crow: No, Tom, you should have gone with Tifa! You could have gotten
> >an Elixir and risked less than what you chose!
TOM: Pffft, right.
CROW: It's true!
TOM: Like I would accept advice from you!
CROW: Well, I am the better Final Fantasy VII player here.
TOM: Ha! In yer dreams.
> TOM: Like I would accept advice from you!
> CROW: well I am the better Final Fantasy 7 player here.
BOTS: Aaaack!!
MIKE: It's exactly like us, only less grammatically correct!
> MIKE: Shouldn't a paradox or the collapse of the Universe be happening
> about
> now from us being in two places at the same time?
MIKE: I don't know, I try to stay away from that kind of Star Trek stuff--
> SAMANTHA: I don't know. I tried to stay away from that kind of Star Trek
> stuff
MIKE: Aaaaagh!!
> as much as possible.
>
> Mike: You know, that apocolypse-paradox thing might happen now that I'm
> in three
> places at the same time.
MIKE: OK, that's a total of four now. If an apocalypse/paradox isn't happening
now, it probably isn't going to.
CROW: The Shadowrama's getting pretty strained, isn't it?
>
> >Tom: But Crow, this way I could reach the Turtle's Paradise flier early
>
> >in the game, get more Experience points, and see the Shinra car ad!
TOM: [ Tom ] Plus I just don't like you.
> CROW: That part of the game was cool. Plus it was more exciting!
CROW: Than what?
>
> Bill: Than what?
CROW: Yeeeek!
>
> >Besides, those stairs go on practically forever....
ALL: Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
> > just cuz' you're
> two
> >discs further, you've got all the materia you could get at master, all
> the
> >limit breaks, ultimate weapons, level 99 for every character, AND 27
> All materia!
CROW: So there!
> CROW: Yup, yup yup!
>
> Cedric: The land before time 6: Extinction.
>
> I'm the best! I'm the best.
CROW: I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!!
> TOM: In a pigs eye!
>
> Joel: You mean "in a St. Paul."
MIKE: Is he mocking St. Paul?
>
> >Mike: Hi everyone! Mike Nelson here reporting from the SOL and...
> SAMANTHA: Who are you saying hello to?
> MIKE: I don't know? Us maybe?
MIKE: Try the viewers.
TOM: So how long has Jamie been watching our show?
CROW: Aren't we not supposed to know about that?
MIKE: We're in a meta-MSTing. The rules are different now.
>
> >Crow: Clam up flesh breath!
MIKE: That's a new one.
CROW: I'll have to add that to my repertoire!
> > We're discussing TOM's
TOM: I thought Cedric didn't capitalize our names.
> > feeble attempt at
> >getting as far as I am!
> CROW: For as we all know, Tom is nowhere
>
> Kevin: Man!
TOM: [ Brak ] Where am I? I don't know! It's all a blur.
>
> as good as me!
> TOM: HEY!!!
>
> Joel: Kevin has ESP!
MIKE: Gesundheit!
>
> >Tom: Hey! My save file got screwed up when I got the red submarine!
CROW: [ singing ] We all live in a red submarine...
> > LAY
>
> >OFF!
>
> Cedric: That's what really happened to me. But it turned out my brothers
>
> put their hands all over the second CD.
ALL: Eeeeeew...
> My file sucked anyways.
TOM: Heh heh, he said "sucked".
>
> >Mike: We'll be right back.
> SAMANTHA: Who are you speaking to?
>
> >(Suddenly, 20 Mentos, Psychics, and Jockey ads appear!)
CROW: Out of thin air!
> MIKE: I hate Mentos!
>
> Mike: Amen!
ALL: [ at the same time as Mike ] Amen! [ then ] Dah!
>
> SAMANTHA: Yeah! What kind of sci-fi channel would have those dumb
>
> Bill: Original movies....
>
> commercials on?
CROW: Sci-fi? OK, let's review this outside the lines. Sam's in the season on
CC, but she knows Cedric's is on Sci-Fi, even though there's been no
mention of this.
MIKE: I hate meta-MSTings.
>
> >Mike:So, tell me what's happened so far in the game, Tom.
> >Tom:
> Wellthere'sthisguycloudwhousedtoworkforadivisionofShinracalledSoldierbut
MIKE: Offervalidin3outofthe50statesandifyougiveusyourmoneyyouwillneverseeit--
>
> >thenrealizedthattheywereevilsohejoinedthisonegroupofrebelsthatiscomprisedof
MIKE: --againandwehateyouandgetoutofhereandourproductmayexplodewhenyouuseit--
>
> >wedgevicksjessietifaandbarretandtheyjustblewupamakoreactorandthey...
MIKE: --butdon'tblameuswedon'tmakethethingsweonlymakethelovelydesignercase!
Whew!
CROW: Looks like Tom got a few nanites installed in his voice circuits.
> SAMANTHA: I didn't know you could speak like that Tom.
> TOM: You never asked.
>
> >Mike:Shorter version, Crow?
CROW: [ Crow ] Uh, stuff blew up and a lot of people died.
> >Crow:Okay. Cloud, Tifa, Barret, Aeris, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid,
> >Vincent,
> >and Yuffie have just kicked major corporation ass. Any questions?
MIKE: Where do babies come from?
TOM: Why is the sky blue?
> CROW: How come my voice sounds different?
> MIKE: How can you tell your voice sounds different? This is in text!
> CROW: It's a gift....
TOM: [ Crow ] Some might say a curse.
CROW: [ Crow ] I am Voice-Text-Volume-Guessing-Man!
>
> >Mike: yes. Who are these people?
> >Crow: Well, Cloud is a guy with some big sword,
CROW: Note the hidden innuendo in that remark, and the fact that this other
me did not in fact make an actual sexual remark.
> > Tifa is a girl with big
>
> >breasts,
CROW: Ooo-kay, scratch that.
MIKE: No comment.
> MIKE: CROW!!!!
MIKE: OK, one comment.
TOM: Crow Syndrome strikes again. No one is safe!
> CROW: What! I didn't say anything! It was the other me!
CROW: The me over there, next to the other Tom, the other *other* me, and
Torgo.
> SAMANTHA: Please refrain from saying anything more like that. Makes me
> feel
> like I'm in a clones storyline or something.
>
> Mike: Parts: The MiSTing horror.
>
> >Barret is Mr. T with his head shaved further,
MIKE: Right down to the bone.
TOM: I actually named him Mr. T in my game.
CROW: Are you kidding?
TOM: Nope.
> Aeris is some next-door
> >neighbor girl who Cloud somehow hasn't met even though she sells
> flowers
> >next to where he lives,
CROW: When did they ever show where Cloud lives? It wasn't that cafe where
Tifa works, was it?
> > Cait Sith is some spy idiot, Red 13 is a
> talking
> >bear or something, Cid and Vincent are like Jay and Silent Bob, and
> >Yuffie is a 16-year-old Madonna, basically.
TOM: That about wraps things up. Any protests?
> ALL: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOM: OK, thank you.
> TOM: Yeah right!
> SAMANTHA: I admit that Yuffie is a bit bratty but she means well!
ALL: BOOOOOOOOO!
>
> Cedric: What about "Cloud, sign this contract...." near the end? What
> about
> "Ha ha! I stole your materia!" WHAT ABOUT STEALING YOUR MONEY IF YOU SAY
> THE
> WRONG THINGS TO HER!? WHAT ABOUT THE YUFFIE/FATHER SCENE? HUH?
BOTS: Whoa!
MIKE: Pass the sedatives, please.
>
> >Mike: And so the plot is like something you'd find on Friends or
> >something?
> >Crow: Yup!
> MIKE: How could you agree with me?
MIKE: Yeah, Crow, never agree with me again.
CROW: No!
MIKE: Good.
CROW: Wait a minute.
>
> Joel: He does sometimes....
> Cedric: How do you know?
CROW: [ Joel ] I'm psychic.
TOM: I think I'm psychotic. I have ESPN.
> Joel: (shrugs)
>
> And besides, I would never say anything
> like that!
> SAMANTHA: Well you just did! Ow, my head.
TOM: Sorry, my axe slipped.
>
> >Mike: But from the commercials I've seen, it's more, isn't it?
> >Crow: Nope! Oh, and a meteor strikes the earth in the end, too.
> >Mike: Oh.
> >(Rome light flashes on and off)
CROW: When in Rome, do as the Rome light does.
TOM: Flash on and off?
CROW: Precisely.
> >Mike: Oh, Dante, Randall, and Caitlyn are calling.
> CROW: Three people? I wonder who they are?
MIKE: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse!
TOM: There's *four* Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
MIKE: Death got himself.
>
> Bill: Clerks actors.
>
> >(Winged Microbus of Doom)
CROW: I like that.
TOM: "Widowmaker" is cooler.
> ALL: Huh?
>
> >Observer: HURRY! START THE ENGINE!
> >Pearl: I CAN'T!
> >Bobo: Hey look, they're carrying torches and rakes!
TOM: [ Bobo ] Neato! They're tearing my flesh!
MIKE: [ Bobo ] Rake, Lawgiver?
> >Pearl: Mike, these Roman guys have us in a bind! Bobo burned down the
> >empire and these gauls are EXTREMELY steamed! Here's the deal: Make a
> >distraction for us and we will be extemely
> >grateful.
> SAMANTHA: Who are these people?
> MIKE: I've never heard of them.
MIKE: What a coincidence. We wish we hadn't.
> TOM: Could this be the future?
TOM: Lucky guess or secret knowledge? You make the call.
>
> Kevin: No Schick, Sherlock.
CROW: Schick out of shape?
>
> >(SoL)
>
> >Mike: Well, there's been these two levers that've been bugging me
> >lately....
> >(pulls a lever from offscreen)
> >Mike: And there you are!
CROW: And a cage lands on all of them.
>
> Cedric: FF7 players would get the joke.
CROW: I got the joke.
MIKE: Good for you.
TOM: We're all so proud.
>
> >(Shot of Earth: It explodes just as the WMOD leaves the planet.)
> ALL BUT MIKE: GREAT ONE MIKE!!!
>
> Mike: But you don't even know if those people are evil yet!
TOM: This just keeps getting more and more surreal.
>
> MIKE: But I didn't do it, Mike did!
>
> Mike: And they suddenly know who these people are!
MIKE: I think they're referring to the fact that Mike, oh, *blew* *up* *the*
*earth*!
> Besides, I did it
> 'cause
> Pearl promised us no more crappy movies!
CROW: And you believed her?!
>
> SAMANTHA: (Holds her head and mumbles something about scarlet and spider
>
> clones).
>
> Joel: And ceiling wax and kings!
>
> >(WMOD)
> >Observer: Good, the planet has been shattered,
TOM: That'll save Observer and Observer the trouble.
CROW: [ Observer ] I never liked that stupid planet anyway.
> > and... hey, where's
> >Pearl... and Bobo?
MIKE: OK, there's the paradox they were talking.
> >Quick, I'd better put a space-time shield around your ship so you won't
>
> >be affected!
> >(He does that vibrating thing with his head)
ALL: Eeeew!!
> MIKE: Don't even think about it young man!
> CROW: What?
> TOM: At least now we know why Dr. Forrestor liked this part. His mom got
>
> blown up!
CROW: And then they know who Pearl is. Sheesh.
>
> Mike: And then they know who Pearl is,
CROW: Yeeeek!
TOM: Stop it, all of you!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!
> though right now she's only known
> as
> Jan in the Pan in THIS episode.
> Cedric: Hey! Mike! It's just a show! You should really just relax!
MIKE: Thanks, I'll keep that in--wait a minute.
>
> >(SoL)
> >
> >Tom: Wow, that was close!
> >Mike: Yeah, I thought it would suck not existing...
> >Crow: Yeah, thanks a pantload, brainguy!
CROW: I have never in my life used the term "pantload".
TOM: What about that time when--
CROW: Shut up.
MIKE: Yeah, and the point where--
CROW: Shut UP.
TOM: And also that one time--
CROW: Shut up shut up SHUT UP!!
> TOM: Something should be said but I feel we're pretty close to some kind
> of
> time warp, bad plot device, Ratliffian scene here.
> SAMANTHA: Huh?
MIKE: Sammy doesn't have that much on the ball, does she?
CROW: She's kind of a less coherent Droopy.
> TOM: Something bad's gonna happen.
>
> >(WMOD)
> >
> >Observer: Still, for damning all earthly life as we know it you deserve
>
> >to be punished,so I'm sending you a transcript. It's a real piece of
> >cheese called
TOM: Brie.
> > Final Fantasy 7.
> ALL: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> CROW: (Grim Reaper) Time to die!
> MIKE: (King's voice) Off with their heads!
CROW: That's the Queen, Mike.
MIKE: Sorry.
> TOM: (Priest) Heathens!
> SAMANTHA: You could have said that you merely disagree with what he
> said.
> CROW: Naw. This is more fun.
TOM: YOU STINK!! ALL OF YOU BITE!! Hey, he's right.
>
> Cedric: It didn't just grab me
MIKE: Well, we're glad!
> the way Chrono Trigger did!
CROW: Not CT again!
> Shameless
> plug here!
>
> >(SoL)
> >Tom: Hey, I may have seen most of this!
> >(All look at Tom, stop screaming)
CROW: [ 'All' ] You are so stupid, Tom.
MIKE: Let's head out, guys. [ Mike stands and picks up Tom. ]
> >Tom: What? WHAT?
> >(Movie sign, all the usual commotion)
> ALL: Tell us about it!
MIKE: Well, you see, it all started about 7 years ago, when a young stand-up
comic...
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 1 of 6
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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